Cherry thinks I put hearts in blenders. Naw, I just puree 'em and add ice.
Mia has turned into Dimples from Cadillac and needs an intervention.
Readers- Y'all love y'all some Jessie. She's cute, isn't she? :)
Chapter Eighteen: Parts & Pieces
Harley Gene Masen was supposed to be a boy, through and through.
Carlisle said he won't changing it, Ma said it won't fitting for a girl and Esme told everybody to mind their own damn business.
That's as far as they got into yelling until Papa tells everyone Rowdy's been admitted into the hospital "from one of them shaking fits."
It wasn't even that type of seizure.
Carlisle weeps, Ma cries, and Esme has to hand the red faced baby back to the nurse 'cause she's sobbing so hard.
"He's fine," I say, trying to calm everyone down. "The doctor just wants to run some tests, that's all."
Esme insists she's going down to see him, but the nurse tells her she needs to rest. Ma tries to comfort Esme, so I tell Carlisle I'll walk him down to the second floor.
"One minute, Cotton," Papa says sternly. "We need to talk."
I follow Papa out to the hallway where he crosses his arms, his gator shoes tapping on the pale, tiled floor. I focus on the speckled design instead of looking Papa in the eye.
"I saw you hugging and kissing that Masen boy. How long has it been? How long you been lying to me?"
"I haven't been lying," I snap back, crossing my arms just like him. "We've just been keeping it a secret."
"Not telling is the same thing as fibbing, AnnaBella." Fiddlesticks. Now I know Papa is as angry as can be when he calls me by my name. "Do you know how much I've sacrificed for you and your sisters? How hard I work to give you a good life?"
Papa always drawls out his words when he's mad and all I can hear is that his r's turn into slow-hissing w's.
"I'm sorry you've worked so hawd, but that's your own business. I ain't got nothing to do with you working overtime or them gators. And they ain't got nothing to do with me and Rowdy! Why can't you just let me be happy?"
"'Cause that boy ain't no good for you, Cotton! He's at the bottom of them waters and folks like him don't float to the top. They struggle their whole damn lives, grabbing other people's floats 'cause they're too damn lazy to swim on their own. I want better for you. I want a boy that will treat you right and give you a life you can be proud of. That Edward is both lazy and sick! Why Jake is a strong, healthy fellow-"
"Stop!" I argue, my voice rising. "I don't want to hear another thing about Jacob Black! I've got a boy who loves me and who I love back. So just stop it, Papa!"
I storm back to Esme's room, trying not to let my voice quiver when I peek through the door. "Carlisle? Rowdy's in room 202."
.
.
.
"Rowdy?"
Carlisle runs to Rowdy's bedside, kissing his son on his forehead and grasping his hand. "You feelin' all right, son? You need anything?"
It's the first time I've seen it for myself, but everything Carlisle has ever done is for his son. From accepting money from the church despite his pride, to giving Rowdy his shots, to building a wheelchair, it's all for his eldest boy. Men folk ain't supposed to hug and kiss other men, but Carlisle don't give a hoot about no mannerisms.
"I'm good, Pop."
But I can tell Rowdy's lying. In fact, he ain't good at all- his spirit is almost as broken as his body. I walk to the right side of the bed and wrap his hand in mine. The IV in his wrist scares me and I'm frightened I'll accidentally pull it out. I don't know what it is about this room, but Rowdy's hand is ice cold. Carlisle notices it too and wraps the blanket tighter around Rowdy's body.
"I'm here, okay Rowdy? I'll spend every minute with you if I have to. No matter what the doctor says, I'm not going anywhere."
Rowdy snatches his hand from mine so quickly I'm shocked he's able to move that fast. I reckon his upper half hasn't been affected.
Yet.
"I don't need you here, Cotton," Rowdy says, staring out of the window. "I don't need you to see me like this."
"Like what?" I ask innocently. "We knew this might happen, right? Nothing changes. It's the same-"
Rowdy tosses the blanket and thin sheet off of his body, revealing the worn gown the hospital makes all of the patients wear.
"Nothing changes?" he yells. "Nothing changes? Look at me! Look at my fucking legs! I can't feel 'em Cotton! I can't move 'em a single inch! Do you know what that feels like? I'd rather be in pain! I can take the hurting and the tingling and all of the bullshit, but it's the numbness that's killing me! I'd rather die than live like this!"
"No," I whimper, as tears fall from my eyes. "Don't say that! You can beat this! You'll get better, you'll see. Yeah, the doctor's going to come in and say it was just an episode and you'll feel fine in no time and you'll be walking again real soon. I just know it!"
I don't know who I'm trying to convince more-him or myself.
Carlisle gives me a weary sigh. "Cotton, don't."
"It's true!" I protest, grasping back Rowdy's hand. "I know it 'cause you told me you loved me so much it was more than I could see. You told me I give you so much happiness that you forget to breathe. You told me you'd fight for me no matter what and that the sun don't rise until you whisper my name! You told me all of that Rowdy Edward Masen so don't you go taking that away from me!
"I have to," he says quietly. "I have to now before you find out the truth from someone else."
"The truth?"
Rowdy looks at Carlisle who nods his head.
"This isn't my first seizure, Cotton. I'm getting worse."
His words hit me over and over again. The knock me into dark places I can't see and into nightmares I can't wake up from.
"H-how many?" I'm unable to get the question out clearly. My mind is racing faster than my tongue and I'm not sure the latter is going to ever catch up.
"Seven."
"Seven?" It's not that I don't hear him, it's just that I can't believe it. How did he have that many and I not know about it?
"Cotton, maybe not isn't the best time…"
Carlisle is at it again, trying to tell me what's best for us. In some ways, he's worse than Papa.
"I'd hate for a girl like you to get hurt." Carlisle's warning came back, haunting me to the core.
He was right.
I was hurting but it wasn't the type of pain Rowdy had. It was gut-wrenching, darkness-closing, I'm-dying-of-heartache pain.
This couldn't be healed.
"Why did you lie to me?"
"I didn't lie, Cotton. I just…kept it a secret."
My own words are a double sword, stabbing me in some sort of karma. I don't believe in karma, exactly, but I believe God makes you pay for your sins.
I couldn't afford mine and not even Baby Jesus could redeem me from this.
"It's okay," I say, nodding and trying to calm down. Just breathe, Cotton. This isn't about you. "It's all right. I forgive you. We'll move on. Let's just focus on getting you better. Carlisle built that wheelchair, right? I'll take you wherever you need to go. You won't even need to push yourself. I'll be your legs, Rowdy. I'll be whatever you need."
It's quiet in the room, just me, my begging, and pride that stands in between us all.
Rowdy swallows and I can see the lump travel down his throat.
"If I did that Cotton, then what could I be?"
"My heart," I whisper through my tears. "You'll be my heart and I'll be your legs and together we'll be whole."
"Then we'd waste away, Cottonseed." Rowdy's voice is so low I can barely hear him above the hum of his machine. "We'd be so busy trying to piece ourselves together that neither one of us would smile. I don't have the energy to pretend to be happy."
"I don't have the energy to pretend I'm not."
My words fall on deaf ears as Rowdy reaches out for Carlisle. Carlisle helps roll Rowdy over, facing the small sink on the other side of the room.
"Goodbye, Cotton."
Rowdy is a coward as he allows his father to dismiss me from the room.
"Fuck you, Rowdy!" I scream, my sins washing over and through me. I fumble with the thin chain around my neck and it gets caught in my hair, refusing to be pulled off. I yank hard enough until the links break and I throw the necklace on the bed.
"I hate you! I hate you and I wish I had never met you! I wish you had stayed in Rosedale and never came here! One day, Rowdy, I hope you meet a girl who you loves you as much as I do. I hope she's everything you've ever wished for. I hope she's all funnel cakes-church cursing-water fountain kisses and I hope she breaks your heart into a million and one pieces. You may not be able to move, but you sure as hell don't have a problem walking away!"
If I had listened close enough I would be able to hear the slightest of whimpers coming from Rowdy's bed, but my hatred is pounding drums in my ear.
I steal one last glance at the boy I love and I leave.
I leave my heart and my future and everything that makes me happy in this world.
Ma once told me I was so beautiful all the cotton just a'bloomed when I was born.
But when they're not tended to and left to wither, eventually, they die.
Ma never told me that part.
But at 15 years-old, I learned that lesson the hard way.