Thanks guys for letting me rest. Wasn't feeling good yesterday, but I sure missed you!

Cherry & Mia- I ship you guise. Hard core.

Remember: There's an outtake tomorrow for my old lady Granma Dee, so check it out. Will post it separately as a new story.

Have a great weekend, my little cupcakes!

Chapter Nineteen: Bikes & Beginnings

Reverend Weber always preaches in church that God has a plan.

I knew it was true when Jessie Grace came a month too early, but she came kicking out with a smile on her face.

I knew it was true when the great flood hit Mississippi and so many folks lost their home, but not us. We survived both the waters and death.

Now, I'm not so sure.

There's no higher plan when your heart is in your throat and it hurts to even breathe.

There's no plan in that.

No damn plan at all.

"Cotton?" Ma knocks on my door twice and then walks in without my welcome. "Oh, baby!"

I try to muffle my sobs in the center of my pillow, but Ma hears them all. She sits on the bed, cradling me in her arms and rocking me back and forth.

"Cotton, sweetie. Look at you." I feel like a child, burrowed in the safety of my mother, weeping tears for a boy who doesn't deserve them. "It's been over a week. Don't you feel any better?"

Her words only make me cry harder. "Better?" I ask, glancing up at her through my tear-streaked cloudy vision. "How am I supposed to feel better? He doesn't want me anymore! He doesn't even care! I love him, Ma! I love him with my whole heart and he doesn't care not a bit!"

I try to bury my head again but Ma won't let me. She hoists me up by my shoulders, forcing me to look at her. "Baby, I can't say I'm completely happy you were with Edward behind our backs. Your father and I are disappointed with the secrets you've been hiding."

I glance away, ashamed and not wanting to hear her yelling at me.

"But…" she continues. "I want you to understand something. Sometimes when people suffer, it's not always meant for them."

"What do you mean?" I ask, puzzled.

"What's going on with Edward, his sickness and all, maybe it's not meant for him. Maybe it's for you. Maybe it's supposed to teach you about sacrifice and selflessness and life. Maybe him not walking is supposed to be something greater."

"I'm the reason Rowdy can't walk?" I ask in an offended voice.

"No, no, sweetie. I'm saying you've always had it easy. You've never wanted for anything. Anything you've ever asked for, you've gotten. For once, God is giving you the opportunity to learn patience. And prayer.'

"I always pray, Ma."

"For someone besides yourself, Cotton." Ma smiles, brushing back my hair. "Edward pushed you away because he's having trouble accepting his condition. Instead of wondering how he hurt you, perhaps you can wonder how you can make him not hurt. He's suffering, baby. Sacrifice what you want for what he wants. And right now, maybe he just needs a friend."

"How am I supposed to be his friend when I've got all this love bottled up inside of me?"

"You'll find a way, honey. I did." Ma winks at me and stands up. "Trust me, honey. Before there's love, there's friendship. You two acted just like teenagers do, falling hard and falling fast. Get to know each other first. If you would have done that, you would have known Edward would react the way he did."

I nod, wiping away my tears as Ma walks towards the door.

"Hey Ma?"

"Yes Cotton?"

"Were you and Papa friends first? I mean, before you fell in love?"

Ma laughs and throws her head back.

"Lord, no! I couldn't stand your father when we first met. I was talking about Billy Black."

Ma laughs again and leaves me in a state of bewilderment.

And disgust.

Ew.

Maybe Ma is right.

I can be there for Rowdy and just be his friend.

But I secretly wonder how long I can pretend before that bottle eventually explodes.

.

.

.

As soon as breakfast is over the next morning, I decide to ride my bike all the way to the hospital. I tell AJ and Jessie they aren't going and even though they beg and fuss, I refuse. It's just something I need to do. I pick a bunch of flowers from the backyard and stick them inside the basket. I push on those pedals faster than I ever have before. It's a long ways away when you're not in the car, and I have to travel by long dirt roads and through town. I wave to the butcher along the way and to Miss Tanya, who's fixing the outside sign on her studio.

By the time I arrive, I'm sweating bullets and I take a moment to wipe my face with the sleeve of the sweater I've pulled off. I park my bike near the entrance against the brick wall and try to navigate the faded signs posts in the corridors. Forks County Hospital isn't too large and I quickly find room 202, despite coming from a different location a week and a half earlier.

I hear laughter through the closed door and I hesitate on walking in. Eventually, I take a deep breath and enter.

No one sees me at first, because the dividing curtain is closed, but I notice everything. Rowdy is holding little Harley Gene with the biggest smile on his face. Esme is sitting beside him as he coos over her. He kisses her little cheek and her little hands and her little feet.

It's the sweetest thing and the joy she brings to his face is unrecognizable. Harley Gene gurgles and it causes Rowdy to laugh again.

"Look at her, Ma. She's a tiny thing. Not like Emmett. Remember when I dropped him?"

Esme giggles. "I sure do, Son. That boy was bigger than a cow. All those cherry pies I kept eating."

I hate to interrupt a moment like this so I turn, twisting on my heels. Esme hears me and calls out.

"Cotton?"

How did she-? I glance down and answer my own question.

Damn rain boots.

I peek around the curtain innocently and give a small wave. "Hey. I was just dropping by, but I can…"

"No, no, no. You stay," Esme says, standing up. "It's time for Harley's feeding anyway. I've got to get back to the house. Rowdy, your daddy will be back this evening, all right honey?"

"Okay, Mama."

Esme kisses Rowdy on the cheeks and reaches out for Harley. Rowdy kisses his baby sister and reluctantly hands her back. Esme holds Harley and manages to pick up her bag at the same time. She walks by me and kisses my forehead.

"Good to see you, Cotton. Rowdy was 'bout in tears 'cause you didn't come sooner!" She winks at Rowdy, who frowns, and then shuts the door behind her.

"Hey," I say first.

"Hey."

Rowdy looks uncomfortable by my presence and I debate leaving. I should have called; it wasn't right of me to barge in here like this.

He looks like he's lost a few pounds, but it's probably from the hospital food. They do their best to kill their patients, one by one.

People can't survive on jell-o alone.

Well, Jessie could, but that's a whole 'nother story.

"How do you feel?" I ask cautiously.

"Like shit," he answers honestly. "They keep feeding me all this different medicine to see if anything works, but none of it does. I should be going home tomorrow."

"Oh!" I say, my voice rising with excitement. "They're letting you out?"

"Um, no. I just … Pop can't pay anymore … and with the new baby and all…" He turns several shades of red and I feel just awful. I want to kick myself for being so simple sometimes. "The doc said there's this procedure. I can't remember the name of it, but they take the plasma out of blood cells and then put the blood cells back in. He said it works for some people with my condition."

"Are you going to do it?" I ask curiously.

"I can't," he answers, glancing away.

Money, yet again. How is that sick folks are supposed to pay for all this expensive care when they're sick and can't work? It doesn't make any sense. Whatever happened to helping folks just because?

"Oh." I carefully walk to the side of the bed and sit down. Rowdy and I sit in silence. I don't know why we're acting like this. It's never been like this, uncomfortable and awkward.

I fumble with my fingers and study the design on my wellies when Rowdy lifts up a corner of his pillow. "You forgot something last time."

He tosses the glittering gold chain in the air and I catch it just in time. The broken links are fixed and look like new.

I wish I could say the same for him.

"I didn't forget it," I say, balling it up in my fist. "You said you didn't want me here."

"I lied, Cotton. I was in shock." Rowdy takes a deep breath and reaches out for my hand. I take his in mine, trying not to shiver at his cold skin. "You ever knew when something bad was going to happen? And no matter how much you prayed and wished and hoped, there was nothing you could do to stop it?"

I nod, trying to understand what he's talking about. "My sickness is like that. The doc told us the worst had already happened and though I might be paralyzed, it rarely occurs. Well, Cotton, he was wrong. It did get worse. It did progress. I've got the worst of it. I can't breathe sometimes, I get seizures, and my arms are starting to tingle now. All this nerve medication just makes me tired and dizzy. It's rare they keep telling me. Only five percent of patients, they say. How did I get so lucky, huh? Why me?"

I squeeze his hand, as if giving him some of my strength is going to make it better. "'Cause you're special, Rowdy. I knew it the first day I met you. Maybe you're not sick for yourself. Maybe you're sick for other people."

I try to explain it the way Ma told me, but it's not coming out quite the same.

"What I'm trying to say is, think about it for a second. Your pop lost his job and couldn't help you anymore. So you moved and Carlisle got that job with my papa. And meeting you in church was the best day of my life."

"So I have to suffer just to make you happy?"

"Er, n-no, wait, that's not-" I stutter as Rowdy smiles.

"Then it's worth it." Rowdy's weak hand tries to squeeze mine back, and even though it's slight, I feel it down to my bones. "Cotton, I need you to understand something. I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed of not walking and of not having money to get better. I'm ashamed you're so damn sweet and you have to put up with me. I'm ashamed of not being the kind of boy your daddy wants you to be with. It's weighing on me. I wish I wasn't like this. I'm trapped in my own body and I can't get out. Do you understand?"

I do.

As upset as I've been with him this week, I think I'm starting to get it.

"We can't just start off where we stopped at, can we?"

Rowdy shakes his head and I look down.

This is it. This is how he officially ends it and how I go home with yet another broken heart.

I'm running out of organs here.

"We can't Cottonseed, but that's the thing about love. You get to choose your own beginnings, even new ones. And today, you're mine."