Chapter Twenty-Seven: Cuddles & Collapses
One month later…
"AnnaBella Rain Cotton Swan, absolutely not! I can see your religion from here!" Papa yells at me from the top of the stairs as I struggle with two full cases of luggage.
"Leave her alone, Charlie!" Ma screams back. "It's a long drive. You can't expect her to wear her dress all the way there!"
Papa growls in defeat at Ma's words, eyeing the tiny coral shorts I'm wearing with disgust. Even though my blue rain boots match my modest shirt, he's not having it.
You don't want boys seeing the Promised Land, he always says.
Too late for that. I reckon I'll just call Rowdy "Moses" from now on.
I stick my tongue out at Papa and book it outside before he catches me. Alice Jo helps me shove everything I need for Biloxi in the back of Ma's van.
"You got your make-up case?" AJ asks. "You almost forgot it last time."
Danggit. "Nope, it's in the bathroom upstairs," I groan, trying to close the over-filled trunk.
"I'll get it," AJ offers. "Grab the snacks from the kitchen. Papa made some of that gator jerky. I think it's on the counter."
"Got it!" Alice Jo and I race back into the house, and while she runs upstairs, I rush into the kitchen. Pageant competition days are hectic and it seems like we're always running behind. Ma is stuffing snacks into a small cooler as Jessie cries and whines like a little baby.
"But I wanna go," she pouts, crossing her arms. Her pigtails swing side to side in protest.
"I said no, Jessica Beth Gracie, so you stop that fussin' right now!" Ma tosses a few drinks in with the snacks and locks the cooler. "I asked you a week ago to make your choice and you wanted to have a sleepover with Miss Esme and Emmett so that's what you're going to do! Ain't no room now anyways, with Rowdy and Jasper going. Maybe next time."
"Fine!" Jessie stomps her bare feet on the linoleum floor. "We're going to make a big ol' tent and eat popcorn and tell scary stories about what a mean mommy you are!"
She tries to run away but Papa is at the entrance of the kitchen, and he scoops her up with her feet still moving. "Are you being difficult, little girl?"
Jessie grins widely and scratches Papa's mustache. "No, Papa."
"You better not be," he laughs, ticking her belly. She is spoiled rotten.
"Ma! Rowdy should be home from physical therapy by now. Let's go!" Rowdy's sessions are usually early in the morning and I'm anxious to go pick him up. I grab the cooler from the counter and give Papa and Jessie a kiss.
"You mind yourself, Cotton," Papa warns me. He's not exactly thrilled that the Masen boys are traveling with us hours away, but Ma paid for their hotel room next to ours. It's the last big competition before school starts and I'm excited to beat Lauren Mallory. I've been practicing like crazy.
I think Papa's going to give me another lashing about my outfit, but he wishes me good luck. He says he sorry he's missing it, but Ma promises to take tons of pictures.
AJ hugs Papa and Jessie goodbye and we all climb into Ma's van. Ma takes forever to start the engine, and AJ is already foolin' around with the radio from the front seat.
We finally start up the driveway when Ma comes to a screeching halt. "Oh my Lord!"
I glance up, and maybe it's cause the sun is shining in my eyes through the windshield, but I can't believe it. I jerk on the door handle, sliding it open and stepping out, shielding my eyes from the bright rays.
Jasper is walking up the driveway, but that's not why I'm shocked.
Rowdy is with him and he's not in a wheelchair. He's walking.
"Rowdy?" He's got this memory-that-makes-you-giggle, vanilla-ice-cream-with-sprinkles, cuddles-underneath-the-moon-and-stars stupid grin on his face.
And it's everything.
I run towards him at full speed with my arms open wide, nearly knocking him down.
"Whoa, there!" he laughs, adjusting his arm brace crutches. "I'm happy to see you too!"
"Rowdy, you're walking! You're walking!" I squeal hallelujahs and oh-my-goshes as I wrap my arms around his neck. "How are you…? How can you…?"
After a month of his plasmapheresis treatments, Rowdy's had it rough because of nauseousness and cramps. They put him back on medicine and now he's doing physical therapy practically every day.
I can't believe he's improved so much.
He shrugs like it's nothing, but he's as proud as peacock. "Five days a week of Garrett kicking my ass during therapy and I'm finally moving on my own. I was walking last week, but I was still wobbly, so I wanted to practice some more before I finally surprised you."
It's the best surprise ever. I slobber him with kisses until Ma blows the horn.
"Hi to you too," Jasper says sarcastically, carrying their luggage.
"Oops. Hey ya, Jasper."
Jasper laughs and he knows I don't mean nothing by it. He's just as happy for his brother. I grab one of the bags from him and I watch Rowdy maneuver the crutches, one stilt at a time. He's very unsteady and his knees are bent inward. Jasper reaches out for him, but he shrugs him away.
"I got it. It's just a long way from the house, but I got it." I can tell he's exerting a ton of energy, and he's sweating from his brow, but I let him be. I'm not taking this moment from him and I don't care how late we are.
Ma pulls the van forward slowly, so slowly Rowdy doesn't notice because he's too busy trying to stand upright and move one foot at a time. I don't know how Ma knows not to offer any help, but she just does.
We finally reach the van and I help Jasper toss the luggage in the back. Rowdy can't climb into the van on his own, so he finally accepts our assistance. Jasper heaves him while I pull him forward so he can sit in the third row of seats with me.
"Good to see you, boys," Ma says, winking at me in the rearview mirror. I grin back while Jasper sits in the middle row and buckles in. He doesn't care that AJ is in the front seat, he just wants to be near her.
"Thanks for bringing us along, Mrs. Swan," Jasper says politely. What a suck up.
"No problem. I'm glad you wanted to come." Ma focuses on the road for a few minutes, but slaps AJ's hand away when she turns the radio to some awful pop music. "You know the drill, AJ. We have to vote on a station or it gets turned off."
"Are y'all always like this?" Rowdy whispers.
I nod my head, embarrassed. He has no idea.
That's how we usually ride: music-less. The five of us Swans can't agree on anything. So we argue the whole way, Papa gets fed up, and one of us ends up on the side of the road.
I'm not kidding. One time, he left four-year-old Jessie on the side of a cotton field until she quit throwing a tantrum. He only drove several hundred feet on a back road, but when you're young and chubby, it seems like your parents truly have abandoned you. I laughed and got dropped off next.
It wasn't so funny then.
An hour into the ride the screaming continues, mainly from AJ and Ma. Jasper jumps in to defend AJ's choice about a cheesy boy band, and somehow I get dragged into it.
"Enough! Lawd, y'all are worse than Jessie and she's not even here!" Ma is beyond frustrated as she digs into the console for a scratched up CD. She puts it in and bobs her head the second the music comes on.
"No, Ma. Please don't," AJ begs.
I pull my knees up to my chin and rock back and forth.
"What's wrong?" Rowdy asks in worry.
I peek up at him and say three simple words. "Ma's a belter." The woman I refuse to be related to starts drumming on the steering wheel, singing loud as she can to "My Girl" by The Temptations.
I'm tempted to kick my own self out of the vehicle.
I've got sunshine on a cloudy day...
"This is my jam!" Jasper yells in a southern tone and it sounds all kinds of wrong.
When it's cold outside I've got the month of May...
AJ grins and joins Ma, snapping her fingers.
I guess you'd say…
What can make me feel this way?
Oh no. Jasper is singing along too. When Rowdy passes over an invisible mic, I know I've lost all hope.
My girl, my girl, my girl…
Talkin' 'bout my girl, my girl.
Three hours later, all of the gator jerky is gone, we're still dancing and crooning along, and no one's been abandoned on the side of the road.
It's been a good trip.
.
.
.
"If your father could see you now!" Ma exclaims in awe, helping me zip up the side of my light blue gown.
"He'd be praying for my soul," I reply mockingly, adjusting the shoulder strap. The glittery gown is beautiful, with a criss-cross design in the back and a low-cut dip that goes practically down to my bottom. Papa would have a fit. Maybe Ma should only take pictures of my front side.
Ma laughs. "You got that right." She helps me pin a few curls to the side, but other than seeing her between sets, I'm on my own. I peek through the side of the curtain, glancing out at the crowd. The stage's lights blare outward as the announcer begins the competition, but I see Rowdy, AJ, and Jasper sitting in the third row. The other contestants buzz about me, snipping here, taping there … it's a complete madhouse.
I layer on another coat of lip gloss and pucker my lips. Ma knows better than to mess up my makeup, so she gives me air kisses and last minute advice. "Stand up straight. And walk right foot first. It's not a ball gown, so you're going to have to stretch your leg through the slit. Remember to look each judge in the eye."
"I got it, Ma!" She's such a stage mom. She doesn't understand that she's making my nerves worse.
"Okay, okay. I'm gone. I'll be back to help with your swimsuit. Good luck, sweetie!"
She scurries through the crowd of teens as I squeeze between two girls to make sure my eyelashes are glued on tightly. Glancing in the mirror, I don't even recognize myself. I reckon these pageants are like that. They give you a crown just for pretending to be someone you aren't.
I'm so nervous, I don't notice that it's Lauren Mallory fixing her hair beside me. She's beat me before and is still gloating in her victory.
"Oh look, its number two. How does it feel to be second place?" she snarks, pinning a blonde curl.
I roll my eyes. "Hush, Lauren. You only won last time 'cause you were half-naked. It ain't happening again. We all have to wear the same swimsuit."
"Good. Now they'll see what a fat ass you are."
It takes everything in me not to slug her across the face. I glance down, and even though I'm thin from all of my baton practicing and exercise, doubt rushes through my veins.
"Shut up." I'm not going to stoop down to her level and when I turn to walk away, she clutches my arm to stop me.
"Make sure you blow a few kisses to your retarded boyfriend out there," Lauren snickers as I wrangle myself out of her grasp. "I saw him hobbling. He looks even more graceful than you do."
Her words shock me to the core. How dare she belittle him like that!
I raise a fist in the air, but before I can swing my arm a firm hand reaches out to stop me. "She ain't worth it, Cotton."
I turn around to see Rowdy stopping me from getting myself kicked out.
"Don't worry, baby. See, blondie over here is jealous 'cause her damn weave is falling out, I can see her stuffed bra from across the room, and she's got a zit the size of Mississippi spreadin' across her chin." Rowdy glares at her and Lauren gasps as she touches her face.
"Fuck you, Cripple!" she yells defiantly.
"No, fuck you, and if you lay your nasty hands on my girl again you'll be the one hobbling. So crawl back to whatever pit of hell you escaped from!" Rowdy's nose flares and though I know he's not the type to hit a girl, his anger has reached its limit.
"Whatever! Watch your back, Cotton Ball…" She flips her hair and storms away, teetering on her too-high heels.
The announcer gives orders that everyone should line up and girls scurry past me. I refuse to move and my eyes water with frustration. "What's wrong with her? Why did she have to say all that mean stuff?"
Rowdy takes two awkward steps towards the vanity and removes his arm crutches, leaning them against the small table. He struggles to stand up, but does it anyway just to gently wipe my tears away. "Folks ain't got no good sense, that's all Cottonseed. You can't let that she-devil get to you."
"B-but, she called … she called you cr-crippled!" I refuse to say the other word. There's too many tears for him to catch now and they fall on my expensive dress.
"You think that bothers me?" Both hands caress my face and he peers so deeply at me that I feel my soul withering away. "You ain't got to defend me, Cotton. I know who I am. She doesn't. She's scared 'cause she knows you're competition. So don't cry, baby. You keep giving that bitch your tears and she'll use 'em to drown you. Just kick her ass out there. Show her what a real winner looks like."
He gives me a crooked grin, trying to cheer me up, but it's not working. I want to know why everyone seems to hate me. The Weber girls, Lauren, Jake and Billy … it never seems to stop.
I feel like Rose Charlotte is standing on top of my shoulder, reminding me to forgive, forgive, forgive. I'm tired of excusing other folks' behavior and being the better person; I'm tired of being hated.
I'm tired of being me.
Rowdy kisses my forehead, but he doesn't understand. I want to rip off this stupid gown and crumble into a ball. I want to wash off this make-up and let it run down, down, down my face.
I want a pillow to weep in and a warm blanket to hide under. He acts like people's words don't hurt, but they do. They're like bullets and they shoot at me again and again, breaking me open until I bleed nothing but hurt and pain.
My knees buckle and Rowdy, through his weakness, catches me before I fall. I breathe heavily, violently gasping for air that seems to elude me.
"Baby…" Rowdy's arms wrap around me and together we collapse onto the floor. He rocks me back and forth, and all of the frustration I've been holding in over the past few months leaving me in waves. I hiccup and gasp and I'm afraid I'm on the edge of a panic attack.
"Shh … Cottonseed, it's all right … it's all right…" Rowdy kisses my hair here and there, trying to calm me down.
"It ain't all right!" I scream, pounding the floor. "It ain't right at all! When do I stop being so nice? After they curse me out? After they threaten to beat me? After they call you every name in the book? When, Rowdy? When?"
"You don't." He's whispers in my ear and murmurs voices of reason I can't comprehend. "You don't stop, baby. You've got all that goodness inside of you. Just keep spreading it around and it'll come back to you, I promise."
But I don't feel the good inside of me. I feel an ache that's shredding me apart.
Break.
Rip.
Tear.
Destroy.
Part by part, bit by bit, I lose pieces of myself.
But they haven't disappeared. They've been devoured and consumed by a raging jealousy from others I can't control.
I refuse to try anymore.
I sob and it's a stark ugliness compared to my beautiful dress. Snot drips out of my nose and onto Rowdy's shirt. He doesn't care and clutches onto me. I hold him like life. "What if I give it all away and I don't have nothing left?"
Rowdy lifts my chin and holds my strength when I feel like giving up.
"That heart of yours is like a well. It's as deep as can be. Folks like that blonde girl are so thirsty, they expect you to be too. Just keep pouring out the love, Cotton, and it'll overflow."
"And if that well goes empty?" I gaze at him with watery eyes filled with desperation and hopelessness.
Rowdy murmurs and holds my hand to his chest. "Then you take from mine. You've already given me so much, I won't ever run dry."