40 chaps and we'll be all done. Can you believe it?

Boy, how time flies…

Seems like just yesterday Cherry tried to Skype me naked and you threw chickens in a cockadoodle rage…

Chapter Thirty-Four: Blows and Beliefs

What is he doing here?

Rowdy stands at the entrance of Jacob's house, and just the sight of him shatters me and sucks the air out of my lungs. It's more than suffering—it's an anguished feeling of hurt and betrayal that he will never understand. My hand firmly clutches the flowered fabric of my dress as I shut my eyes tightly.

It's not real.

He's not real.

"Cotton." His voice is low and his command makes me finally glance at him. It's too much. His eyes are blood-shot and hollow and they look as barren as I feel. He takes two steps forward and reaches out for me, but I flinch.

"Get out." My voice is no higher than a whisper, but he hears me and blinks. Jacob reacts, pushing me to the side.

"You heard her, motherfucker!" Jacob points toward the door. "Get the hell out of my house!"

Even though Jacob tried to kiss me, Rowdy's presence here is much more damaging. He comes for mercy and forgiveness, but I have none to give.

"Cotton," Rowdy says again, ignoring Jake. "You have to believe me. I didn't cheat on you. I would never do that."

How can he deny it? My brain swirls, a flood of thoughts going through it. Rowdy has never lied to me before, but I know what I heard; I know what I saw after that door opened.

His voice is eerily calm despite the tension in the room. Jacob laughs. "Nice try, Masen. Try telling that to Angela. Everyone in school heard all about your fucking in the home ec room. And Bella heard you herself. Don't try and save face after you've been caught. Too little, too late my friend."

Rowdy whips his head in Jacob's direction. "Will you shut the fuck up? This is none of your damn business. I'm talking to my girl!"

"Your girl?" Jacob laughs as if it's the funniest thing he's ever heard. "You should have thought of that before you were balls deep in Angela's pussy!"

There's a second of frozen silence, and I see Rowdy's eyes flicker. His face is unreadable; there's no anger or smirk or even a scowl, just a cold blank look I am unfamiliar with. He strides across the room on his long legs and before I can react, he pulls me behind him. The touch of his hand causes me to shiver.

Rowdy grabs the neck of Jacob's shirt, jerking him off of his feet. "You fucking piece of shit. You think I won't kick your ass? Try me."

Jacob's eyes narrow. "Do it, Stilts. I dare you to."

It's the only invitation Rowdy needs. He pulls his arm back, punching Jake in the face. The crack of fist hitting bone deafens my ears.

I cry out, reaching for him and nothing at all. "Rowdy! No!"

He punches him again and Jacob grabs his bloodied face. It's the wrong way to defend himself, and Rowdy hits him over and over. When Jacob finally falls to the floor, Rowdy hovers over him, yelling obscenities and kicking and punching simultaneously. "Am I Stilts now, motherfucker? Am I Stilts now?" He's in a trance, trapped in a place of anger and rage. I've never seen him like this and it's frightening—dangerous, even.

Jacob moans, holding his stomach, and I can't take it anymore. "Rowdy, stop! You're going to kill him!"

The sound of my voice makes Rowdy pause mid-air. He turns to me as I stand wide-eyed and shaken by his actions. He kicks Jacob one last time.

I'm horrified by Jacob's face, already swelling, bruised, and bleeding. He rolls in agony as Rowdy turns to me. "Let's go."

"I-" I don't even know what to say. I glance from him to Jacob and back to him.

"Now." His voice is harsh as he grabs my hand, leading me out the door and into the night. His father's Chevy sits in the driveway, next to Jake's motorcycle.

I didn't even know he could drive.

He opens the door for me and I debate getting in. Jake is an ass, but he needs medical attention. I'm sure Rowdy broke something. I'm not in a position to want to go anywhere with Rowdy.

"Cotton." He glares at me with a no-nonsense expression and I know I don't have a choice. He nearly picks me up, planting me on the worn leather seat. He slams the door and crosses over to the driver's side. After he climbs in and shuts the door, he starts the ignition in silence. The engine rumbles and I remain silent as he pulls away.

I stare out the window at the night sky. Rowdy doesn't speak, but grips the steering wheel tightly. I shake, but it's not from the cold. Rowdy turns on the heat and a hot blast of air hits me in the face.

He drives for a few miles and when I think he's taking me home, he pulls off on an abandoned road. I'm about to ask him what he's doing, but Rowdy breaks down.

His head hits the steering wheel as his arms cover his face. He's crying, the most agonizing wail I've ever heard. It hurts to hear him like this.

"Rowdy?" I barely touch his arm and he glances up, his face red with tears dripping down. Snot runs out of nose and he apologizes with broken words.

"I- I'm so sorry, Cot-ton. I-I was j-just trying to p-pass my class. I never … I-I never…"

I can barely understand what he's saying and it makes no sense. He doesn't deserve it, but something in me wants to reach out and hold him. I grab his grey hoodie, pulling him to me. He weeps harder as he lays his head on my shoulder.

He clenches the back of my dress, but I have no words to soothe him. There's nothing to say. He's sorry, but that doesn't make up for his actions. I rub his disheveled hair to comfort him, but that doesn't make what he did okay.

It'll never be okay.

You broke us, I want to say. You did this. Not me. You.

He sobs and I let him. I let him cry it all out; all the pain and heartache and misery he's caused. I let him cry out our memories and the love he threw away. I let him mourn, because I already have.

Rowdy finally pulls back, wiping his nose on his sleeve. It darkens as he takes a deep breath and dabs at the wetness he's left on my shoulder. "Sorry."

He's apologizing for soaking my clothes, but I don't care. There's a lot more ruined right now than a stupid dress. "It's fine." Rowdy sniffles and clears his throat, trying to regain his pride in the midst of his vulnerability.

"Cotton, I…"

I don't want to hear it. I know he's sorry, but I don't want to pay attention to his excuses. I turn my head to look out the window and he pulls my chin back toward him. "Will you listen, please?"

"Listen?" I cry in astonishment. "Are you kidding me? I did listen! I heard you Rowdy! I heard you and Angela and what you were doing! I heard it all…"

My voice sounds angry, but it's only to mask my pain. Tears escape and I let them fall. There's no use in wiping them away. He needs to see what he's done.

"You think I would cheat on you?" He asks incredulously. "After all we've been through, you honestly think I would do that to you? You're my world, Cottonseed."

"Don't call me that," I say bitterly. "You don't get to call me that."

Rowdy groans in frustration. "Fuck!" He slides to my side of the truck and grabs both sides of my face. "I. Did. Not. Cheat. Angela and I … we had this project due … the damn chicken burned … and then the stove wouldn't work … we were shoving that bastard in … and then you saw us … I didn't cheat, baby."

His story is illogical. What the heck does chicken have to do with this? "Don't lie, Rowdy. What's done is done. If you could just take me home now, I-"

His lips crash against mine before I can stop them. Something in me makes me want to push him away, but I can't. He's magnetic, keeping me there, locked into his kiss. I don't know why I kiss him back, why I allow his tongue to wrap around mine, or why I let him push me against the corner of the window and the edge of the seat.

"If you think I would betray you, you haven't been listening." He reaches one hand around my head and holds me still as he peers into my eyes, my hair knotting around his fingers. "I would never, baby."

His kisses me again with full, wet lips. "Never."

"I would die before I hurt you." His tongue leaves a trail as he glides it across my cheek and down to my neck. This is wrong, wrong, wrong. I can't help it, but I moan. Rowdy whispers softly in my ear, "I would fucking kill myself."

He groans and his hands fumble, yanking down the strapless dress underneath my sweater. My bra comes down with it, my breasts bursting out. He sucks on one greedily, kiss-biting the nipple before doing the same to the other.

"I'd never do this to someone else." His tongue licks me, along my collarbone and up my neck. His hand glides underneath my dress and I can't find the willpower to say no.

I whimper as he pushes my panties to the side, rubbing me. "I belong to you, baby. Only you." I cry out as his fingers enter me, pumping as he rubs my swollen clit with his thumb. He continues to kiss my neck and I have no means of defense. I am trapped and I may never get out.

It's so stuffy and I feel claustrophobic. My hips rock against him, betraying everything that I believe. I breathe unevenly, huffing as I hear him unbuckle his belt with his other hand. A button snaps and a zipper is freed open.

"I'm yours, Cotton Baby." He glides his finger out of me to grab both of my legs. He yanks me down onto the leather seat, hovering over me. My leg hits against the shift and he pulls it around his waist.

My heart thumps as he adjusts himself. I feel his hardness along my thigh. He's close, close, close.

"Rowdy," I manage to exhale out. His lines himself up with my center and thrusts into me roughly. I scream at the invasion and my head knocks against the door. Rowdy places a supporting hand behind my head and plunges again. We are forehead against forehead, breathing breaths that don't belong to us.

"How many times have I said I love you?" He questions hoarsely. I grab the flesh on his arm as his moves his hips. If this is a reflection of our love, I'd rather go blind. I can't handle the hurt, the shreds of pieces he's taking with every thrust.

"How many times have I murmured that you're mine?" I can't respond. He's taking my strength and making it his own. He's making me feel light, like I'm in Heaven, when all I know is darkness and Hell.

"I told you that you were my heart…" He's desperate, trying to be a part of me when he's already in me. Each second that passes is another moment of forgiveness. Each plunge of him inside of me makes my sensibility waiver.

"Fuck!" he groans to her. It's fine.

"I whispered that you were my soul…" He loves me hard and I finally understand what he meant by "fucking." It's an all-consuming, sweat-dripping, push-push-push feeling that I crave. He brings me high and takes me low. He's everywhere and I can't breathe.

"Get that thing wet, girl." It's all right.

"I proved that you were my life…" Rowdy pumps faster and I am soft-whimpers and steady-tears. I dig my nails into his arms as he carries me away. I drift into the Mississippi night, where the crickets chirp and the stars shine. He won't let me stay there as his eyes burn into mine.

"Don't stop, Rowdy!" she screams. I forgive, I forgive, and I forgive.

Push-pull. Push-pull. He love-fucks me deeply. I grip harder, my back arching toward him. My muscles quiver and I shake from a loss of control. I scream out his name, his love, his ability to make me feel merciful. He pounds against me with rapid speed. His zipper rubs against my thigh, scratching me like piercing knives.

I need the pain. I need it as he comes in me, filling me and holding himself there. He won't let me go and I don't want him to. Rowdy's nails make their pattern, crescent moon shapes that may never heal. He breathes heavily, kissing my open mouth.

"I told you the truth," he whispers with flushed cheeks. "Do you need to hear it one more time?"

I throb between my legs, aching and clenching around him.

I need to listen again and again.

.

.

.

He puffs on a cigarette, the cloud of smoke blowing into the dark sky. "…And that's when I opened the door. I swear, that's all. I have a filthy mouth and apparently it's come to bite me in the ass. That's the whole damn story."

I wrangle my hands, trying to soak up all of the details he's giving me. The story sounds downright ridiculous, but the way he speaks is nothing but truth.

My boy never lies.

"And the condom?" I ask. His come is between my thighs, making me sticky and wet. Just the thought of it makes me clench my legs together.

"Jasper's," he answers, pulling on the filter. "I found a box in his room. I thought I'd take one, just in case. I know you told me you were on birth control, but I thought it would be safer if we, ya know."

I nod. It's too late for that. It always is. We're teenagers, and our raging hormones cause us to act before we think.

Rowdy tosses the burning butt out of the window. "Cotton, I swear I would never do anything to hurt you. I don't care what that dipshit Jacob says. Or Angela. Folks are going to always tear us apart. You can't let them. You and I? We're all that matters. Fuck everybody else."

"But-" I interrupt, trying to get him to see that everything in our lives has tried to break us—the town, the church, our families, his illness … everything. We can't survive much else or we'll rupture into pieces and not even love can put us back together.

"No buts," he says harshly. "No more bullshit of trying to overcome and endure and all that. Let's just be, all right? Let's love and be love and move on."

He's bitter because of the circumstances, but I get what he means. He yearns for a simplicity the universe refuses to give us. I want it too, so bad it hurts.

"Love and be love," I repeat, and I feel like Jessie as I echo him.

Jessie.

Crap.

"Oh!" I scramble and although I don't know what I'm reaching for, I'm reminded my family is out looking for me. "Ma and Papa! Oh, God. They are going to be so mad. So, so mad."

"They're worried like hell, but they ain't mad. I told 'em the truth. They understand."

I look at him in shock. "They actually believed you?"

He smirks at me. "Ma reminded Renee I can't cook for shit. And Charlie said something along the lines of you being a bit dramatic."

He laughs and I punch him on the shoulder. "Shut up."

"His words, not mine!" He grins, holding his hands up defensively. "But anyways, Charlotte Rose and I looked everywhere for you. She eventually had to go home, but she suggested Jacob and gave me directions to his house."

I sigh and roll my eyes. "You were already going to beat him up weren't you?"

Rowdy shrugs. "It's been a long time coming, but once I saw him try to kiss you it was a done deal."

"Yeah," I murmur. To be honest, Jacob deserved it. Maybe not as bad as Rowdy pummeled him, but his butt-kicking was well earned.

Rowdy leans his head back, staring off as his taps his fingers. "Cotton?"

"Hmm?" I'm in as much of a daze as he is but I turn to face him, propping one leg up on the seat.

"Why did you believe so easily?" He refuses to look at me, his breaths labored as his chest moves up and down. "I mean about Weber. After all we've gone through, I thought you'd have a little faith."

His blow hits me right in the gut. I'm all about believing; believing in God and goodness and kindness and how love wins above all. But when it came to him, my assurance in our relationship fell to the wayside.

It was too damn easy.

"I wasn't thinking," I say softly. "I just reacted. It's like … you know, when you…"

I can't get my words together. Nothing seems to justify my actions, but I need to explain. "You ever have something really good happen to you? I mean, really good? Not like Christmas gifts or whatever 'cause you expect it, but something out of the blue? That's you. You came into my life and I thought all this time I had everything: my family, my best friend, fancy pageants where I could dress up and be a princess … It was nothing, Rowdy. When you came along, I realized I could love deeper and love harder. But at a moment's notice, I knew we couldn't last. I wanted us to, I did. But there was Papa and Jake and then finding out you were sick. The whole damn world was against us. I figured, something's gotta give. Someday, God is going to take you away from me. I didn't know how, but I kept expecting it to happen. So when I heard you and Angela, I just accepted it. I already had too much, I told myself. Quit being so damn greedy..."

Rowdy reaches for my hand, but I take a deep breath and continue. "I do have faith, Rowdy. I have faith in us and I have faith in you. I just don't want to lose you. You're my better-than-Christmas-gift, first-dizzy-kiss, weak-in-the-knees love. You're my something really good."

"Damn, baby." Rowdy grabs me, pulling me close to him. "You're not losing me. I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here, Cottonseed. But don't you dare doubt us again, okay? My heart can't handle it."

He cradles me in his arms and I make a vow that I'll keep for the rest of our lives.

"Okay. I promise."