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"But then someone with as much to atone for as myself may not qualify for salvation; there are so many things that serve to remind one of the transgressions of a former existence. Ah, the wretchedness of it all!" — Murasaki Shikibu, ~1010 CE

Henge- Underneath the Underneath

Chapter 4: A Team

Kakashi's lone visible eye was trained on the crystal ball. A few of the other jōnin in the room, mainly his friends, stood close to him also looking on but the majority of future teachers lounged back exchanging pleasantries and light conversation in the rest of the room. The Third made a comment about Uchiha Sasuke, the top graduate, but Kakashi's eye had been caught by the dead last shoved to the ground next to him.

He watched as the teams were assigned, and then the Sandaime pulled him aside as the others left to eat and collect their teams. They made a quick trip across the village to Naruto's apartment, which they proceeded to enter through an unlocked window. The Hokage gave him a minute to meander through the rooms and get a feel for the boy's personality before speaking.

"As you know, Naruto recently learned about the Kyūbi. He may come to you with questions."

"Yes, Hokage-sama."

"A separate issue… it has recently come to attention that he feels more comfortable in a female Henge." Kakashi listened as the Sandaime gave him a rundown on his theories and the nights Henge experiment that resulted in the blonde learning Kage Bunshin.

"Dysphoria? I knew ANBU who experienced it while on long-term infiltration, but from what I picked up they felt disconnected with the Henge, not their original body," Kakashi mused, "and I doubt Naruto's used Oiroke no Jutsu to the same extent as any of them."

"I agree. I tried speaking with his early caretakers but none of them came forward about odd behavior of that nature. I have his academy sensei, Iruka, assigned a C-rank mission sorting through the reports submitted by the ANBU guarding him, but have low expectations he'll find anything useful."

"I'll keep it in mind if the team passes. Are there any specific problems you are anticipating from this? That is to say it shouldn't impact performance, should it?" I mean, Kakashi thought, just look at Gai. Eccentricities among shinobi didn't say anything about skill or potential.

"It's important because it matters to Naruto," the Sandaime pinched the bridge of his nose, "He talks like we're making a bigger issue out of it than it needs to be, which we might be, but I doubt it. Naruto blamed any maltreatment he'd received on his dysphoria, and has clearly spent hours practicing the Henge to the point of true mastery in order to cope with it."

"I'll do what I can, Hokage-sama, but I've never dealt with something of this nature before. I can't say I have the faintest idea where to start."

"I trust your judgment, Kakashi," the Third let his hand fall on the taller jōnin's shoulder with all the weight of his post.

"That remains if they pass," the silver-haired man reminded in a warning tone. The Hokage barked a laugh in response.

"You can't run away indefinitely. I fully expect to see the new Team Seven pulling weeds and chasing cats before the month is out."

They left the apartment after that. The Sandaime returned to his tower, and Kakashi went to get a quick bite to eat before meeting his potential students. The Hokage had talked all through lunch and his stomach felt like it had turned on itself. He'd be late either way, he told himself, so what would a little detour for food matter in the grand scheme of things?

"YOU…" Kakashi felt his skills in emotional control stretched to the limits as he leaned forward to tower over the three children. He'd gone through the hand signs for the stormy genjutsu right in front of them and they still looked like they might pee themselves. It took all his willpower not to ruin the mood by laughing. Once they were significantly cowed by fear he finished his sentence: "…PASS!"

The weight of his decision to accept the team hit him while he was explaining the Memorial Stone. His mind was flooded first with memories, and then with doubts. Could he really do this? What kind of teacher would he be? What kind of teacher did he want to be? He'd never passed a team before, and had never wanted to pass a team. He felt a rush of panic. Somewhere, he was still talking to three kids, but in his mind Kakashi's thoughts were spinning in circles.

Eventually he left to give the Hokage his report. He remembered about half-way there he'd neglected to release Naruto from the post, which lead to him realizing he had no idea what time he'd told his new team to meet. With a groan, Kakashi decided just to go deliver his report before he forgot that to.

On the Hokage's recommendation, Kakashi had dinner that night with his team's academy sensei, one Umino Iruka. He had calmed down somewhat by then, as he'd had the opportunity to think things through, but followed the Third's advice nonetheless.

They took a booth at Yakiniku-Q where Iruka spread out various reports and work samples. Kakashi had, of course, read the bios provided by the Hokage, but Iruka was able to tell and show him much more, having worked with each of them for several years. Kakashi was confident in his ability to direct a team and teach formations, but the Sandaime and the genin's various self-introductions had thrown him off worrying about how unbalanced the kids appeared to be.

Sakura seemed stable enough for a hormonal thirteen-year-old girl. He also spent a good deal of time discussing Sasuke. It was convenient that Kakashi had already tested them, as he was able to bring up specific instances and reactions to get a second opinion on. Eventually they switched over to Naruto.

"I don't know if Sandaime-sama told you, but Naruto feels uncomfortable in his body," Iruka eventually brought up the topic of interest.

"We talked about his body dysphoria for a bit. I'm honestly not sure what to do about it, or if I should do anything at all." Iruka nodded in understanding.

"I don't really know what to make of it either," the chūnin rubbed the back of his head and smiled sheepishly, "I mean, I saw him staring at the gender box on the shinobi registration form for a good five minutes. But underneath that Henge he's still a guy, right, so I don't get why he didn't just circle it and hand the paper in."

As Iruka was speaking Kakashi leaned back and crossed his arms over his chest. He couldn't have looked less interested in what the chūnin had to say and when Iruka saw this he fell silent.

"Maa," Kakashi said after a long pause, "Certainly, if you look underneath the Henge, that's what you'll find," Iruka watched his visible eye sharpen as whatever idea he had began to coagulate, "but my sensei taught me that as shinobi, we must learn to look underneath the underneath."

After that both men were preoccupied by their own thoughts and didn't have much to say. Eventually a waitress came over to collect their tab and politely kick them out. Iruka's face became flushed and he quickly apologized, sweeping the papers back into their respective piles while rising from his seat. For his part, Kakashi pulled out his book, smiled, and placed the cash for his portion of the meal on the table. Sliding past the then blushing waitress, he made a quick escape back to his apartment.

He showed up to meet his team at nine. It seemed like a good, safe time, not too early and not too late. That is to say, being off by two hours really wasn't that bad as far as Kakashi's punctuality was concerned. When both Sakura and Naruto scolded him for being late Kakashi felt like a weight had suddenly been lifted from his shoulders. He'd spoiled his image as a powerful commander, and somehow, that was a comfort. He no longer felt the need to meet impossible expectations either from himself or the genin. He'd just do things his own way, and somehow they'd all figure out how to be a team together.

So began Kakashi's life as a teacher and mentor.

He opened up with drills and basic exercise. He worked the team for two hours in this way. After stretching and running he watched the kids go through the academy kata. Sakura's movements were precise if not fluid, Sasuke's were both fluid and precise, and Naruto's were neither. His stance was too wide. Kakashi told him to bring his legs closer together. Three steps later they returned to their previous distance. Kakashi told him to bring his left foot in. Slowly the blonde's foot inched farther out again. The jōnin was getting frustrated. Naruto's movements and balance became so much more precise when he narrowed his stance, but at the same time he seemed much less comfortable. Kakashi frowned. Was it habit? The kata should feel easier with the adjustments… his attention was diverted for the next form as he had to correct Sakura. Apparently this one gave her more trouble than the others. It looked to Kakashi as if she was swinging her arms around like wet ramen noodles.

At eleven o'clock Kakashi stopped the individual exercise and switched into group activities. He ran them through veiled trust exercises such as one member directing the other two while they were blindfolded. The activities met with mixed success. The main problem was that the one directing would purposefully sabotage the other two. The kids laughed about it now, but Kakashi thought they were reinforcing the idea that they couldn't work together. It wouldn't seem like an important point for practice or D-ranks, but later on when they faced real opponents, Kakashi was worried they wouldn't have the foundation needed to withstand the pressure and trust each other to watch their backs. When the hour was up Kakashi had them break for lunch then led the team to the Hokage Tower for their first official mission.

He'd teamed up with Asuma and Kurenai in order to convince Yūgao to bring a camera with her on her shift guarding the Hokage. In exchange for a spool of ninja wire, a brace of shuriken, and a new wet stone for her blades she agreed to take pictures of the rookie teams' faces when they heard the details for their first official mission. Kakashi was glad they'd thought to ask, because his sharingan was covered and the expressions on his ducklings' faces were absolutely priceless.

The mission was a simple fence-painting job, which resulted in the kids being covered in white spots and saturating their clothes with paint fumes. Kakashi was relieved to note there were no major issues between them while on the job. Three hours later his team turned in their first successful mission report. Before they left Kakashi remembered to sign them up for a team photo. He couldn't help the warm smile he felt spreading across his face as he wondered what type of frame he should get.

He spent the remainder of the afternoon browsing for a said picture frame, and ended up finding four matching frames of the right size. They weren't anything fancy – a simple square made of wood with soft edges and a smooth dark polish – and he didn't have any time to get them engraved, but they were just aesthetic and sentimental enough for Kakashi's taste. He fell asleep that night gazing at the monochrome silhouettes of the two picture frames on his nightstand, wondering what kind of picture the second one would hold.

That night Kakashi dreamed of his first days on a team with Obito and Rin. Random events — both mundane and bloody — were tied together incongruently and his team photo seemed to always be hovering in the background. He woke up feeling much less spirited than he had going to sleep, and after slowly dragging himself out of bed, decided to visit the memorial stone to compose himself before meeting his own genin. It would make him late, but Kakashi felt that would be a lesser evil than showing up with death dancing behind his eyes.

When he arrived at the bridge to meet his ducklings, Kakashi was feeling significantly more put together. Hearing Sakura and Naruto yell at him for being late and watching them mess around as kids lifted him the rest of the way out of his slump, particularly when he noticed Naruto's picture-day getup. He'd seen it on the blonde's shinobi identification card, but seeing it again in person that face paint looked like it took a lot of effort. He must have gotten up really early to work on it assuming he arrived on time.

"Sorry Naruto," he smiled, "but you're going to have to wash that off before we go in for our team photo."

"Why? The Old Man let me take my ID photo like this!"

"I want a nice picture to remind me of how cute all my ducklings are before they've grown up, and besides, we need at least one accurate photo of you for the records, so no altered appearances."

"Sakura's altered her appearance!" Kakashi looked where Naruto was pointing, and sure enough he could see the somewhat crooked lines from a juvenile attempt at using an eye pencil, the clumped together eyelashes from mascara, and a slight sheen on her lips from gloss that had almost completely rubbed off. The girl shifted nervously under his scrutiny, most likely wondering if she'd have to wash her face to.

"Sakura isn't wearing enough makeup for it to be an issue."

"That's not fair!"

"Tch," Sasuke scoffed, "What are you, a girl? Quit whining over your makeup, Dobe." Naruto froze, and then arms started flailing.

"What!? No! Teme! And its not makeup! Its war paint! WAR PAINT!" But Naruto's protestations were undermined by the high and almost reedy quality his voice assumed. In a move reminiscent of one of Kakashi's puppies whose ears would jump forward in sudden interest at a sound, Sasuke's attention locked in on Naruto and his unexpectedly vulnerable reaction. The Uchiha took a step towards his teammate that could only be described as predatory.

"Maa," Kakashi moved in between the two hotheads before things could get physical, "Sasuke, you really shouldn't use gender as an insult. There is nothing degrading about being female, so dressing or acting like a girl shouldn't be considered degrading either, got that?" The boy scoffed again and looked away. In Kakashi's peripheral vision he could see Sakura shifting indecisively, "Naruto," he turned, "we're not going to war, we're going to the photographer. A little bit of face paint is fine, but you're going to have to take most of it off.

"And Sakura," Kakashi called out as Naruto grumbled, "Why don't you help Naruto find the right balance between face and paint?"

"S-sure," she agreed with some hesitation, "come on Naruto, we'll use your water bottle to get the paint off your face and the stream for the rest." She pulled out a handkerchief and wet it with her own water. Kakashi pulled out his book and found a tree to lean against, and Sasuke shoved his hands in his pockets and walked to another tree farther away to claim as his own.

Kakashi listened absently as Sakura became confident working in a familiar area and started lecturing the captive Naruto. "You can't wash your face in the river because the unfiltered water will spoil your complexion," Kakashi heard her cry out in offence. At another point: "No. Putting that on your chin just looks like a tacky attempt at having a beard." He almost didn't catch himself laughing when he heard her wail "You're doing it all wrong! Here, hand me the brush!" Eventually the two returned from the riverbank and Sasuke pushed off his tree to meander over. Sakura stopped proudly before Kakashi, an iron grip holding her victim to her side, waiting for Kakashi's verdict.

The white paint base had been removed, as had all the red lines on the bottom half of Naruto's face. What remained was the red around his eyes and branching out across his forehead. Naruto's jacket had been unzipped in the process of scrubbing, but instead of zipping it back up, he left it open so that the hitai-ate tied around his neck was prominently displayed. Kakashi could see red on his hands, but couldn't tell if it was residual paint from scrubbing or if the spirals had been reapplied there.

"Hmph," Kakashi wasn't the only one to be giving Naruto a thorough examination, "Dobe, you look even look like a girl now."

Kakashi shot the dark haired boy a warning look while Naruto protested, and under his unyielding gaze Sasuke wilted a bit. "I'm just saying," he defended, contrite, "you can't say he doesn't." Well…that part was true at least.

"That's 'cause Sakura-chan did it!" Naruto crossed his arms.

"Is it no good?" Sakura looked between Naruto and Sasuke.

"It looks fine," Kakashi cut in, "but we wont be if we don't go get our picture taken soon. I think we're about three hours late?" Kakashi tapped his chin trying to check his internal clock to see how late they'd be and wondering if the photographer would still be there. He really didn't want to have to reschedule.

Hearing his words his three genin became frantic and Kakashi found himself being swept along towards the Hokage Monument and a team photo.

That night Kakashi's light stayed on much longer than usual as he studied again and again his new team's photo. In the center stood Sakura, energy practically bubbling over and eternalized. To her right was a sulking Sasuke, still somewhat put out from Kakashi's reprimand and having the jōnin's hand on his head ruffling his hair. To her left: Naruto. Grin stretched across his face pulling attention. It wasn't quite large enough to hide the blush he got when the photographer jokingly called him pretty. He reminded Kakashi of a younger Tsume with his wild hair, boyish clothes, and red makeup, but his eyes were warm and expressive. Kakashi'd just put his hand on the blonde's head before the picture was taken, and Naruto was looking up towards him nearly radiating happiness. And there he was in the back. Directly behind Sakura and with a hand ruffling both boys' hair.

Kakashi didn't consider himself an expressive person, even under the mask, but when he looked at himself in the photo he could see the same warmth and exasperation as Minato-sensei had in their team photo. Had Minato-sensei been as nervous as he was? He was even younger than Kakashi when he first took on the team. Kakashi set his new photo next to the old before getting out of bed to switch off the light.

Somehow, I ended up writing a lot about Kakashi. Please let me know where to improve, expand, cut to the chase, and comb through for those cursed mistyped words! I really appreciate all the feedback I've received for this story!

Published: March 28, 2014

Updated: September 17, 2016

Words: 3,405