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"There is nothing in the whole world so painful as feeling that one is not liked."

- Sei Shōnagon, 1002 CE

Henge – Underneath the Underneath

Chapter 11: Conversations

"Then you are unfit to be a shinobi."

Kakashi-sensei's words echoed through Sakura's head. What was he saying? Kakashi-sensei hadn't said anything like that since—

The Bell Test. Their first attempt where they failed because they didn't act like a team. Sakura heard the hitch in her breath at the same time her anger fled and reason fell on her shoulders like Kakashi-sensei's heavy hands. It seemed like years since Kakashi-sensei had recited before the Heroes' memorial those impactful words: 'Those who abandon their comrades are worse than trash,' she could remember his solemn tone easily.

They'd been through so much since then; her, Sasuke-kun, and Naruto. Doing chores for D-ranks, then the bloody mission in Wave. Nothing looked the same after that. After watching the light dim in the eyes of countless mercenaries, her nose filled with the tang of blood and ocean-salt and stomach fluid. She came home and it was like watching everything through a glass window.

They had each thrown themselves into their training, determined to get stronger. Her teammates were both moving forward, but suddenly Sakura felt like she was stuck back at that stump. Had she really forgotten the first lesson Kakashi-sensei ever taught them? Had she not grown at all since then?

Iruka was grading papers when the whirlwind known as Naruto burst through his classroom window. He'd only just sent away Konohamaru and his friends after holding them back for skipping class a few minutes prior, but this was a distraction he'd always welcome. Well, when he wasn't trying to teach anyway.

"Naruto! What a surprise! It's been a while, hasn't it?" the chūnin grinned.

"Hey Iruka-sensei! Have you seen Konohamaru and the gang around anywhere?" Naruto grinned right back.

"You just missed them." The lighthearted exchange continued for a bit, each basking in the other's company and Iruka stood and moved around his desk where he let himself settle against the edge, one leg crossed over the other, and the papers scattered behind out of sight and out of mind.

"So what were you up to after Konohamaru was sent back?" He interrupted a less interesting tangent.

"I talked with Hokage-jiji for a bit then went training!" Iruka chuckled in good humor. That explained the ripe smell.

"Then you lost track of time and rushed over to meet Konohamaru, am I right?" he asked cheekily, "Don't over work it. You train pretty heavily in the mornings to, don't you?"

"Yeah," Naruto nodded, "but Kakashi-sensei makes me train as a guy, so I gotta train on my own to," the blonde ran fingers through the back of his hair and his smile dropped a bit. "Hey, Iruka-sensei? I was talking to Jii-chan, y'know? An' I thought maybe I'd like to try bein' a girl for a bit." Iruka felt his heart lurch in his chest. Was it fear? Anxiety? Shock? As his eyes became just a bit more moist, Iruka decided that no, it was pride.

He couldn't say he understood it. He'd thought long and hard about what Kakashi-san had told him that evening at Yakiniku-Q about looking underneath the underneath, but whatever epiphany the jōnin experienced, Iruka didn't share in. He understood enough though.

"You've grown up a bit, haven't you Naruto?" Iruka smiled. Naruto's eyes widened at the statement, then his ear-to-ear grin came back full force.

"You bet!" And just as quickly Naruto sobered up. He held up one finger in a comical mimicry of a teacher giving careful instruction; "But I can't just start bein' a girl an' not say anything, y'know? See, Sakura-chan got really mad at me today, 'cause I was actin' like a girl and she didn't get why," the hand dropped to his side in a fist and Naruto's face turned bright red, glaring at the desk Iruka leaned against, "I can't believe she thought I was gay!" he burst out.

Iruka choked on his spit. He would later blame the coughing fit on chalk dust, but at that moment the main thought running though Iruka's mind was: So he really does like girls!?

"Kakashi-sensei, I… I don't want to be left behind. Sasuke-kun… even Naruto are both getting stronger, but I don't feel like I've changed at all…"

Kakashi looked back at the deflated pre-teen. After he'd snapped at her, the jōnin had stood from the cold stone bench. He'd made it halfway down the block before small fingers grabbed his shirtsleeve from behind. Perhaps a part of him had been hoping for this very reaction, for he'd been walking away instead of simply jumping off. He took a deep, fulfilling breath.

"…Where does your strength come from, Sakura? Where do you want it to take you?" He felt her grip on his shirt slacken, saw a flicker in her eyes, "Sasuke and Naruto already have their answers," Kakashi felt his eye crinkle as he smiled. Sakura was a clever girl; all she needed was a nudge in the right direction.

It took a while for Iruka to stop coughing. It took even longer for him to stop laughing at the indignant look on Naruto's face.

"Sorry, sorry," but he wasn't, and boy did Naruto know it. Slowly Iruka's laughter died out and he rocked off the desk to give Naruto's hair an affectionate ruffle.

"Are you ready for that?" he asked, "putting how you feel into words?"

"I…" Naruto hesitated, visibly chewing over what he was trying to say, "I want to start doing girl things," the blonde decided on.

"You don't have to explain yourself if you're not ready. Even if they don't understand everything about you, Sakura and Sasuke are your teammates, and you are theirs." Naruto was silent for a moment, the light from the windows behind him casting his face and eyes in darkness.

"Kakashi-sensei spoke with you?" When Iruka received a nod, he pushed forward, "and Hokage-sama as well. I doubt my advice is worth much compared to the Hokage or top jōnin's, but what you tell your teammates about yourself is your choice. If you're not ready, you're not ready. And that's all there is to it."

Iruka turned his attention out the window while Naruto mulled over what he'd said. The shadows had become long while they were talking. If he didn't have a stack of papers still waiting to be graded, Iruka would've invited Naruto out for some ramen. He might end up doing so anyway.

"I think…" Naruto's husky voice cut through the quiet, "I'm ready for them to know, but I don't think I can tell them. Every time I think about telling them I freak out. An' that's just thinking about it. But I feel like if I don't say something I'll explode!" Naruto's voice grew more agitated, though he never shouted,

"I—I had a dream a few nights ago, y'know. Sakura-chan and I were shopping an' I accidentally said that guys're weird and gross, and she said 'you're a guy to' an' I said 'no I'm not,' an' then I freaked out 'cause I'd just told Sakura-chan I wasn't a guy, y'know, but then she said 'oh, that's cool,' an' we bought some mascara an' lip-gloss an' then I woke up and—and—" Naruto took a deep breath – had he not taken one during the rest of his story? His glassy eyes met Iruka's and the agitation in Naruto's shoulders bled into something yearning, "and for a moment I thought it was real."

Suddenly Naruto was in Iruka's arms. When had the blonde moved? Oh. I moved, Iruka realized, when did I move? The chūnin rubbed circles on Naruto's back and gave his arms an occasional squeeze. They stayed like that for a long moment, and it gave Iruka the time needed to compose his thoughts. Even after he knew what he wanted to say, the tanned instructor held his peace until Naruto took a deep breath and moved out of his embrace.

"When you were about…eight, I was transferred to the academy. Before then I was in the field," the blonde knucklehead perked up at the prospect of hearing an interesting story, "I knew I wasn't really cut out for it, but I wanted to serve my village honorably and become a shinobi my deceased parents could be proud of. I thought that meant I had to become a powerful ninja and fight bad guys," Naruto made an enthusiastic noise of agreement, "When I realized my passion was in teaching, I was at a loss. At first I tried to ignore it, but when I realized I couldn't, I started trying to think of ways to tell Hokage-sama I wanted to become an instructor."

"Was it really that bad? How did you end up telling him?" Iruka chuckled nervously at the question and rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment.

"Well, most non-field shinobi switched over due to injury, so I felt a bit like I was turning my back on my comrades... It ended up being the opposite. Eventually, one of my teammates got hurt because I hesitated in a fight. He recovered, but Hokage-sama decided enough was enough. He told me being in the field was a waste of my talents and that I would 'serve the village best by instilling the Will of Fire into the next generation'," he rubbed the familiar scar running across his nose, noting Naruto's lost face.

"I guess I told you this because I wanted you to understand that even though my situation was very different from yours, I've also thought about having those kinds of conversations. Honestly, I think everyone does at some point."

"Really?" Naruto's voice came across breathily, "d'you really think everyone does?" Iruka closed his eyes in thought.

"It's a part of growing up, I think. Becoming who we're meant to be. Some people don't fit very well with who they're expected to be, and they either tell those around them or hold it in until something gives. Sometimes it's a break like when my teammate got hurt, or gradual like how Hokage-sama noticed and accommodated my interests.

"…I suppose for some, who they're meant to become is close enough to who they are expected to be that nothing much happens at all." Naruto thought on that for a bit, and as he did Iruka took a moment to glance out the window and notice that the sun had already dipped behind the distant buildings and trees.

"I don't fit very well with who most people expect me to be," Naruto's voice drifted over, "Most people think I'm a demon fox. And I don't think Sasuke or Sakura-chan will figure out I feel girlish anytime soon either. …I think I already broke Sakura-chan, anyway, y'know?" Iruka sputtered. Is that what he got out of it!?

"You're sure you want to talk with them then?" Iruka confirmed.

"Yeah," Naruto's lips stretched into a huge grin, "I'm not a demon fox or some guy! I'm Uzumaki Naruto! Believe it!"

Iruka felt his lips turning and stretching to match Naruto's grin. "That you are, Naruto, that you are," he laughed and Naruto scratched the back of his head as he chuckled along. "Have you thought about how you'd like to tell them?" Naruto's laughter cut off with an 'Erk.'

"I tried thinkin' about it, y'know, but all I could think of was just… just…" orange arms flapped through the air.

"Do you want to tell Sasuke and Sakura at the same time?" Iruka prompted, "or would you rather talk to them individually?"

"Um…"

"…" Iruka took a step back so he could lean against his desk again, "You know… if you can't think of a way to say it, you could try writing them letters. How does that sound?" Naruto made a face.

"Iruka-sensei…. I really hate writing." Iruka sighed. Some things would never change.

"Well, it's a suggestion. You could try slipping it into another conversation like in your dream, or pulling them aside to talk." When no response was given Iruka pushed his next idea forward: "I could go with you if you'd like," his suggestion came out a bit quieter than intended, "I wouldn't feel comfortable speaking for you, but if you want to set up a time to speak with you teammates, I would be more than happy to be there with you. I'm sure Kakashi-sensei would also be happy to help…"

"That… I think I'd like that."

First her feet took her along the neighborhood towards her house, but as she stood looking at her front door, Sakura decided she was too restless to be indoors and too caught up in her own thoughts to talk with her parents. The next place her feet took her was the park by the lake she and Ino used to play at when they were really little. For a moment she thought about pushing through the shallow barrier of trees to see if Sasuke-kun still sat alone on the dock, but she wasn't in the mood.

After that Sakura sort of wandered. She went by the day market, but the sun was setting so everything was closed. She passed by the academy at one point, but that just made her think sour thoughts about falling behind her genin teammates, so she hurried past. She hardly noticed when her feet carried her across a familiar bridge and away from town.

It was the sound of muffled thuds and the occasional grunt that pulled Sakura from her semi-aware state into alertness. Casting her eyes about, she spotted Naruto off to the side of the field, punching the center of three training posts. Of course I would end up here, Sakura thought with a sigh. She bit her lip and spun around, determined to leave before she was noticed. This was one confrontation she definitely wasn't prepared for. But her feet refused to take that first step away, and after struggling for a minute or two she turned back to the shaded image of her teammate. Dusk had set in, and soon not even the orange of his jacket would stand out.

She tried to call out to him, but no sound would come, so Sakura slowly made her way towards the training posts and the glossy black memorial stone. "Naruto…" She didn't think he'd hear, but the punches immediately stopped and Naruto spun, hands quickly moving to clutch at the front of his jacket.

"S-s-sakura-chan!" He made as if to back away, but before anything else could be said Sakura bent in half, her pink hair tumbling like a sudare screen between them.

"I'm sorry!" she cried, "We're supposed to be teammates, but I wasn't acting like it and I'm sorry!" There was silence, so at least Naruto had stopped his retreat, but it left Sakura standing there, bent in half, and unable to see what kind of face he was making. She wasn't sure she wanted to see what kind of face he was making, though, so maybe it was better that way.

"It's… okay." Sakura felt like lukewarm water had rushed over her. Slowly she straitened up to look at her knuckleheaded teammate. He was still holding the front of his shirt, but offered her a wobbly smile.

"I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions. You're still a whole lot more normal than Tenten-san's sensei or her one teammate," Sakura nodded to reassure him she meant it.

"Thanks?"

"And as long as you aren't a perv I don't really mind," she could hear Naruto gulp as her face changed, "but if you ever do become a perv, I won't hesitate to punch you into next week!" She shook her fist emphatically to make sure she got her point across. Naruto began baking up in earnest this time, his arms waving in front of him as if to ward off her wrath, and reassurances tripping over themselves to get out of his mouth.

"So," Sakura's arms fell to her sides and she glanced briefly to the ground, "are we good?" Hearing her change in tone Naruto stopped his rambling and backing away to study her for another moment. No one from their academy class would believe her if she told them Naruto could have such an intense look, but after seeing it a few times – first in Wave, and now here – she knew he'd turned his brain on for something. After a minute scrutinizing her, the blonde grinned.

"Hey Sakura-chan, I'm gonna ask Sasuke to meet with me on top the Fourth's head after our mission tomorrow, an' could you come to? It's not a date or anything—I swear!" She smiled back.

"Sure! Is it a picnic? You weren't trying to snag a date with Sasuke-kun, were you?" she added with a laugh and an elbow to Naruto's side to let him know she was teasing and began leading the way back towards the bridge.

"Ew! Sakura-chan that's gross! I was gonna ask you guys tomorrow before trainin' but then you showed up here," Naruto's eyes widened like he'd been struck by a thought, "what're you doin' out here anyway?"

"I could ask you the same thing."

"I was thinkin'," Naruto rubbed the back of his head with a bit of a blush.

"Yeah," Sakura sighed as her stomach rumbled, "me to, but now I'm late for dinner, so I'll see you tomorrow." Naruto nodded and gave a small wave as Sakura took off. Her mom was going to chew her out big-time.

When Kakashi showed up to train his team, he immediately noticed an extra basket set carefully off to one side. It smelled like bread. The next thing he noticed was that none of his ducklings could focus. At all. Naruto kept fidgeting like he was nervous about something, Sakura was bouncing around despite the rigorous workout, and Sasuke kept getting lost in thought. Today wouldn't be much fun for him, he just knew it'd be like fighting an uphill battle to get them to work.

When they took a small break for lunch Kakashi approached Naruto. The blonde had taken his words to heart and made plans to talk with his teammates after their mission. Now Kakashi was distracted as well. When he'd suggested opening up a bit to Naruto he figured gradually or eventually, not immediately after a blowout with one of his best friends. Why did kids have to be so literal!?

He picked a straightforward D-rank mission. No point trying to find one that would simulate C or B-ranks; it would just fall apart. Instead, after several hours washing dogs he released his team for the day. A bit more than reasonably concerned, and plenty curious, Kakashi began trailing his team. At first all that happened was that Sakura grabbed the breadbasket and led the other two towards the market. Sasuke picked up some tomatoes, and Naruto tried to pick up some instant ramen, but Sakura smacked him on the back of his head so he grabbed some fruit instead.

After that Kakashi trailed them up the Hokage monument where he was a bit surprised to spot the chūnin Iruka waiting for them. There was a brief confusion as apparently he wasn't expecting a picnic, but soon enough they all settled down. Kakashi settled along a low hanging tree branch just within earshot and sent the academy teacher a reassuring smile as he pulled out his book. The younger man was tactful enough not to let on that he was there to the ducklings.

He watched as the settled in to eat and make small talk for a bit; their old sensei catching up on how they were doing. Kakashi was beginning to feel a bit unnecessary when Naruto decided to make his move.

"So…um, as awesome as this picnic's been, I was kinda hopin' to talk with you guys about somethin'," Naruto began. The other three stilled and gave Naruto their attention, causing him to shift his seat. Iruka adjusted his position slightly, and the simple movement of aligning his shoulders with Naruto's caused a sudden shift in how Kakashi read the situation. No wonder the blonde liked him so much; Naruto picked up on those sorts of subtle cues remarkably well. And even if Sakura or Sasuke weren't entirely aware they got the message: Iruka was on Naruto's side.

"I've been doin' a lot of girl stuff lately," Naruto continued, "an' its not 'cause I'm a perv or anything!" He looked to Iruka, who gave him a reassuring nod, "'cause I'm not, but there is a reason, an' you're my teammates, so I thought I'd tell you, but you can't tell anyone else, y'know!?" Blue eyes flickered searchingly at his teammates.

"Tch, just spit it out already," the young Uchiha huffed, and Kakashi cringed on his branch in sympathy for Naruto. Apparently Sakura felt the same, because she sent him a warning glare before turning to her smallest teammate.

"Is it something bad?" Kakashi heard her ask.

"Eh…" Naruto looked to Iruka, who decided to help him out a bit.

"Not bad," the brown haired chūnin smiled, "but a bit different."

"We won't tell," Sakura nodded seriously. Sasuke huffed a bit but still nodded.

"…well… y'know… it's just…" Naruto fidgeted, "I don't really feel like a guy."

There was a silence before Sakura, brow's furrowed asked "What do you mean?"

"I feel kinda like a girl?" Kakashi didn't think Naruto meant it as a question, but he was looking a bit queasy. Iruka looked determined, and noticing this, Sakura turned towards him for clarification. Before she could ask, however, the chūnin shook his head and looked pointedly towards Naruto. Both she and Sasuke turned back to their teammate.

"Like your body's wrong or something?" it was Sasuke's quiet question that caused everyone's eyes to widen. So he's piecing it together, Kakashi mused. Naruto nodded dumbly, and looked like he was about to ask his own question when Sakura jumped in:

"What do you mean something's wrong with your body?" Naruto turned bright red and mumbled until Iruka gently prodded him.

"Like… it should'a been a girl body but…" Kakashi hadn't thought the blonde could turn any redder than he already was, but apparently he could. Sakura, who understood things best when she could discuss and analyze plowed forward regardless.

"But you're a boy. So why…?"

"Erg!" Naruto bent forward and ran both hands violently through his hair, "'cause—'cause—I don't know! 'Cause it should be a girl body or somethin' instead but its not so it's wrong!" Both Naruto's teammates leaned back at the outburst. Kakashi had to catch his book before it fell and gave away his position. He quickly tucked it away. Sasuke was the first to recover.

"So you want to be a girl?" the dark haired boy asked. Naruto was quiet for a few breaths.

"…no. It's like I should'a been a girl, 'cause I… am a girl?" Now Naruto was looking confused. Isn't he supposed to be the one who's explaining?

"But… I want to start doin' more girl things, and I thought I should tell you guys 'cause—" the blonde glanced at Sakura, who flushed a bit and broke eye contact to look down, "'cause we're a team, and you're my friends."

Sakura slowly stood up and walked the few steps necessary to close the distance between them. Then she sank to her knees and drew Naruto into the softest of hugs.

"Always." And it was a promise.

Happy Birthday to my mom, and cheers for her surgery going well! Please leave a review!

Published: December 4, 2014

Words: 4,200