I'll heal the hole in your heart chapter 4
Summary about chapter 4: (They're 17-18 years old) Dan has a cold and has to be hospitalized. Phil skips school to come visit him. Things heat up…
Words: 4.995
Phil -
"Too early..." I groaned and rolled over to turn my alarm off. I lazily put on my glasses to get a better look at my phone. Dan had written me a text saying he wouldn't come to school. That caught my attention and I sat up in bed. He'd sent it yesterday after I had fallen asleep.
Dan's mum had written me one too telling me they had brought Dan to the hospital last night, but that he had said that I shouldn't worry and just to go to school.
I read it over a couple of times, confused, before I fully understood what this was about.
"Hospital?" I mumbled. I quickly dialled Dan's mum's number and desperately waited for her to pick it up.
"Hello?"
"Hey Mrs. Howell, it's Phil. What's happening?" I asked as I started walking around my room to find my clothes. No matter what Dan told me, I would be visiting the hospital instead of showing up at school.
"Oh hey. Everything is fine. His cold got worse, so we thought it would be best to take him to the hospital."
"Are you there?" I asked.
"No, I'm at work. Dan told you not to visit him, but I know you're going to anyway. But you have to wait until nine or else they won't let you in." Dan's mum sounded really tired; it must have been a long night.
"He's alone?" I asked, surprised.
"Yeah… I told them to call if something happened and I would be right over. But there's nothing I can do..." She stopped.
"No, I understand. I'll visit him later and keep him company." I knew Dan hated everything about being in hospital, especially being alone. But his parents had jobs too, so I understood that they couldn't be there all day. Dan was a fairly well known patient, so it was not like he would be around strangers.
"It's very sweet of you, Phil, but I think you should go to school instead… He shouldn't be the reason for your absence."
"I won't be able to get anything done knowing he's in hospital, Mrs. Howell. So it's fine," I assured her as I walked around my room to find my computer and my DS so we'd at least have something to do besides look at white walls.
"If you say so." She sighed, but I could hear she was smiling.
"I say so." I smiled. "I'll make sure he's okay."
"Thank you," she breathed into the phone.
"He's sleeping. But you can go in." A nurse pointed into the room to our left. I poked my head inside. Dan was lying on his side, facing away from the door, with a white duvet loosely wrapped around him. Nothing was beeping—the only sound I could hear was Dan's steady breathing—so I guessed it wasn't that bad.
I tiptoed through the room towards the hospital bed and rolled over a chair so I could sit next to him.
As I sat down, I quickly looked him over. An oxygen mask wrapped around his head and he had a bag of saltwater hooked up to his right hand.
I bent down a little to get a better look. He had dark circles around his closed eyes and his brown hair was covering his forehead. He looked even paler than he usually was. I could tell from his breathing that his nose was blocked. He'd had a cold for a few days now and it was only getting worse, so bringing him here was probably a good idea.
I leaned over the bed, crossed my arms, placed them on the mattress, and rested my head down on them, just watching him sleep. That had always been one of my favourite views—looking at Dan sleeping—so I couldn't help but smile.
After watching for another 10 minutes, he started coughing softly, causing him to wake up a little. I kept staring at him until he was fully awake and glancing confusedly at me.
"Phil?" he asked, followed by a few coughs.
"Hey," I mumbled, smiling at him.
"Wait, what time is it?" he breathed out.
"Around 9:30," I told him.
He closed his eyes back together and yawned widely. "I told you not to come here..."
"You should have thought about that before you decided to be hospitalized," I said, and sat up a bit.
"Well it's not like I asked for this…" Dan smiled, exhausted.
"How are you feeling?" I asked as I ran my fingers through his hair.
"Like shit," he muttered. He rolled onto his back and rested his arm across his forehead.
"How long have you been here?"
"Since 3 am, I guess." He took a couple of deep breaths before he continued. "I don't know. I was feeling worse and my mum called the hospital and drove me here. It was all very confusing."
"How long did your mum stay?" I leaned back on the chair and lazily crossed my arms across my chest. I was just trying to get all the information so I knew how serious the situation was.
"I don't know, maybe… Jesus, Phil. Are you investigating or something?" Dan smiled and breathed heavily.
"Just asking," I responded. "Why is that not on?" I asked, pointing to the other side of the bed.
Dan opened his eyes back up and made his gaze follow my finger. "The cardiac monitor?" he replied, looking back at me. I nodded quickly. "It's difficult to sleep next to something that keeps beeping. Like the one time you tried to finish Pokémon in one night." He giggled.
"I did it, though." I smiled to him.
"Yeah, but it was really annoying..." Dan managed to say, before he started coughing. His whole body was shaking with each cough and I could tell it was really hurting him.
"You okay?" I asked, quite nervous.
He didn't answer, just nodded his head.
"Can you help me out of this thing? I need to use the bathroom," he said, his voice hoarse from coughing.
"What thing?" I asked, confused. I looked around.
"The oxygen. Just loosen that thing on the back of my head. I kept nudging it off in my sleep. " Dan sat up a little and I pulled it off of him. "Could you maybe help me up too?"
"Of course." I walked to the other side of the bed. Dan slowly moved his feet over the edge of the mattress. I grabbed his hand without the IV and pulled him up to stand.
"I'm really dizzy… let me just stand here for a second," he whispered and held firmly onto my hand. "Can you give me that?" He pointed at the stand with the bag of saltwater on. I pushed it towards him and he grabbed a hold on it for support.
"I feel like an old man." He giggled sadly.
I didn't reply. I hated seeing him in hospital. It was like reality got too close and everything became too real. I knew he was really ill, but I couldn't accept it. I didn't see him as ill when we were together; I just saw him as Dan. He had some special needs, yes. But who doesn't?
"I'm scared to close the door..." he muttered and stopped in front of the bathroom. "Could you maybe just turn around?" he asked, taking a few deep breaths. Maybe it was just me, but he seemed a bit worse after only this 10 meter journey.
"Of course." I smiled caringly and let go of his arm.
I turned my back to him and glanced at the bare white wall in front of me.
"Just tell me when you're done," I said and leaned against the doorframe.
"Y-yeah…" He sounded breathless. I wanted to look and see if he was okay, but I didn't want to ruin his privacy.
"You can turn around," he murmured after a few minutes of silence.
I did and my gaze fell on Dan who was leaning over the sink. I stepped towards him, but he didn't look at me.
"You okay?" I asked nervously as I bent over a little, trying to look him in the eyes.
He shook his head slightly. I placed my hand on his shoulder and carefully made him turn to face me.
He breathed heavily into my face and kept shaking his head a little. His eyes were desperately locked with mine and he looked helpless. I looked concernedly at him and sighed softly before I moved my hand to his forehead. A fever was raging through his body and he was sweating a lot. Getting out of bed was probably a really bad idea.
"I-I need to be sick…" he mumbled through struggling breaths. He looked like his legs were about to give out. Quickly moving to stand behind him, I grabbed him under each arm so he wouldn't fall over.
I tried to push the stand with the bag of saltwater towards the toilet with my foot so that the hose would be able to reach before I gently got him to sit in front of the toilet. Dan was like a doll in my arms; he didn't weigh that much, so I could easily move him around.
I placed myself on my knees behind him and supported his head above the toilet. Once I made sure he was in a safe position in case he threw up, I quickly hit the red button for emergencies.
Dan -
"I don't feel so good, Ph-Phil…" I managed to squeak out before I felt Phil place his hand on my forehead to keep my head up.
"It's okay, Dan," he assured me while rubbing his free hand up and down my back for comfort. "Relax." He sounded nervous. I didn't like this.
"Huh…" I breathed out and spat into the toilet. My mouth kept watering up and an unpleasant rising feeling filled my throat, which made me gag. But nothing happened. I would much rather just throw up instead of feeling like I would.
"He had to use the bathroom, so I followed him out and then he told me he needed to be sick," Phil suddenly explained to someone I hadn't even noticed was there.
"Dan?" the unknown man's voice asked as he bent down to get on my level. I didn't have enough energy to answer, so I kept taking deep, heavy breaths above the toilet as Phil supported me.
"Can you pull him away from the toilet?" the doctor asked. I wanted to protest, but I couldn't. I was so sick and dizzy. It still felt like I was going to throw up so I didn't like being moved away from the toilet.
But Phil carefully pulled me away from the bowl and held me against his chest. My white hospital shirt was almost soaked through because I was sweating so much. It felt like I was about to melt into Phil.
My shirt was slowly being unbuttoned and I opened my eyes to see what was happening. My whole world was spinning violently which made me even more dizzy and nauseous than I already was.
The doctor in front of me was about to place a stethoscope on my chest. "Don't..." I mumbled and tried to move away from Phil, not with much luck.
"Stay still," Phil commanded me. But I wanted to get away. I didn't know why, but because of the fever and the building pain in my chest I couldn't think straight. My breathing started to speed up along with my heartbeat, making the tightening feeling worse.
"Do you feel pain?" the doctor asked me. "Daniel?"
I nodded weakly and desperately pressed myself further into Phil. I began shivering, which made my breath stick in my throat and I started coughing. It didn't make it easier to breathe and I became more desperate.
I felt myself being lifted up, but I didn't have enough energy to even move a muscle. Because of my blocked nose from the cold it was even harder to breathe than usual.
Without really knowing what was going on, I was being placed back on the soft mattress and someone wrapped an oxygen mask around my head, making the air a bit clearer.
I was so scared and confused. People were touching my chest and sticking things to my aching, burning skin. It felt familiar, but I still didn't like it.
Someone was talking about me, but I couldn't understand what they were saying; it just sounded like a mumble. I felt light-headed, breathless, and confused from the fever. I most of all just wanted to sleep and get away.
Phil -
I walked back into the corner to get out of the way so the doctors could do their jobs. But Dan quickly fell asleep from pure fatigue.
I quietly followed everything they were doing, trying to make myself invisible. Mostly because I really didn't want to be thrown out of the room in case they noticed me.
I focused on the machine beside the bed. The steady beeping sound followed the movements of his chest. They quickly got the situation under control, but I stayed in the corner, just watching.
After another 30 minutes it seemed like everything was back to normal. Or, as normal as it would get considering the circumstances and Dan's condition.
Dan was sleeping—lying on his back on top of the white bed with an oxygen mask wrapped around his head. The sound of his heavy breaths got mixed with the beeping sound from the cardiac monitor standing right beside the bed. From what I could tell from his facial expression, he looked very uncomfortable, exhausted, and in slight pain.
The doctors walked out, leaving only a young nurse. I dared to step a little closer. Now that it was only us, it seemed okay.
"You're Phil?" she asked me with a little smile.
"Yeah, that's me." I smiled back and stepped towards Dan's bedside.
"And you're his...?"
"Friend."
"Friend," she repeated, still smiling. "Okay, I'll just check a few things then I'll leave and come back again in a few minutes."
I nodded quickly and watched her. She clicked some buttons that I knew nothing about before she gave me another friendly smile and walked out, leaving me alone with Dan.
I stepped closer to the bed and wrapped the duvet around him, being careful not to pull any of the wires that were attached to his chest. He was shivering slightly, so i figured he might be cold.
I sat down beside the bed and watched him as his chest slowly rose and fell. As time went on, it became more and more steady.
Sometimes I wished it were me lying in the hospital bed, hooked up to different machines so Dan didn't have to. I wished I could take away his pain and worries so he wouldn't have any. So he didn't have to come here every time he got a simple cold.
To him this wasn't just a simple cold. Nothing was simple in his life. Everything was something and sometimes it turned out to be something big and dangerous.
Because of his weak heart, he could die from this. He knew that. We all knew that.
I couldn't act like that that was an option, though, and that was why I decided to come here instead of go to school. Dan needed something not hospital-related, and I could give him that. Even though Dan said that he just wanted me to go to school and not worry about him, I knew he was thankful.
Dan -
"Can you come sit next to me?" I mumbled through the oxygen mask.
"I don't know, Dan. I think you should just concentrate on relaxing for a while," Phil responded, leaning towards me on his chair so he could get a proper look.
"Please..." I begged and took a few strenuous breaths. Phil always made everything better, so I wanted him here with me. "Please." I begged again and stared desperate at him.
Phil sighed deeply and rose from his chair before he sat back down on the edge of the bed and swung his feet up onto the mattress.
"I don't like sitting with you, you know. I'm afraid I'm going to pull one of those." My gaze followed his finger, which was pointing at my bare chest.
"What do you think that would happen if we did?" I asked with a little smile as I leaned back against the pillow. The bed has been lifted a little so I could sit up.
"Around 50 doctors will come rushing in," Phil said as he leaned back too. "That would be very stressful…" He smiled and turned to face me.
"Yeah…" I breathed out and moved a bit, giving Phil some more space.
"How are you feeling?" Phil asked in a whispering voice, turning fully around to lie on his side next to me.
"Better," I muttered. "Still really bad, but b-better…" I smiled shyly. My head was pounding so badly that just focusing on Phil's face was hard. My nose was blocked, so I had to wear this stupid oxygen mask instead of just hoses. My skin was burning from the fever and I was so tired. Being in hospital didn't help anything either. We were close if something happened with my heart, but I was so uncomfortable here. It made everything worse.
"You also slept for five hours."
"I did?" I asked, slightly surprised. I tried to lie on my side too without touching the wires. "What did you do all those hours?"
"Watched you? What else did you expect?"
"You could have been at school..." I muttered sadly. I felt bad for keeping him here. Of course it was his own choice, but I still felt bad.
"It's fine, Dan. Don't think about it," Phil assured me.
I nodded slowly in response.
"Did my mum call or something?" I asked quietly.
"Yes. But I told her I was here with you so she shouldn't worry." Phil smiled caringly, moving one hand to my forehead and brushing my curly hair out of my eyes.
"Yeah, okay..." I murmured. I closed my eyes into the touch and just enjoyed the feeling of him dragging his fingers through my hair.
"That's nice…" I whispered as I nuzzled into the pillow. "Please don't stop," I sleepily begged. This felt amazing. I almost forget where I was.
"I'll try not to." Even though my eyes were closed tightly together I could still hear he was smiling.
After a few minutes, Phil slowly moved his hand down to lightly rest on my cheek while his thumb was stroking across my skin. I was too relaxed and exhausted to question his actions before I felt a soft kiss being placed on my forehead. It made my breath get stuck in my throat and I stayed still as my whole body has frozen in surprise.
Being half asleep and half awake and with a high fever, this could possibly be a dream. A dream I didn't want to end, so I didn't move or even made a sound.
I didn't want it to be a dream, though. I wouldn't mind at all if this were real. I liked Phil. Of course I liked Phil. I also liked him more than I wanted to. But you can't deny feelings. I just had to look away from them. I couldn't let them take over. Phil wasn't just my friend; he was my lifesaver. It was forbidden, falling in love with your lifesaver. I was in perpetual debt towards him. And falling in love was an expensive price to pay for both of us if I was the only one feeling this way.
But maybe I wasn't…
Phil placed another kiss softly on my forehead. I kept lying still, allowing him to continue if he wanted.
I felt how he carefully grabbed around the mask and pulled it down. Before I got the chance to react, Phil gently pressed his lips against mine in a long, caring kiss.
Even through the fever, I felt my body heat up and my heartbeat rise slightly. This was definitely happening—I wasn't dreaming.
I uncertainly opened my eyes back up, one at a time, and my gaze met by Phil's icy blue eyes staring back at me.
"You'll get sick too," I muttered, not really knowing what to say.
"I just kissed you and you worry about me getting a cold?" Phil giggled shyly, making me blush.
"Yeah.. Was that stupid?" I asked, still confused from what just happened.
"No." Phil smiled widely and slowly lifted the mask back to cover my mouth and nose. "Just, strange..."
"Why did you kiss me?" I asked, taking a few deep breaths now that the air was clear again.
"Why didn't you protest?" he asked back.
"I liked it," I muttered. I shyly moved my glance away from him to avoid eye contact.
"Well I liked it too," Phil whispered back and lifted up my chin to force me to look at him. "And I kind of like you too…"
"Of course you like me. You're around me all the time. If you didn't, I guess this would be quite annoying…" I smiled nervously. Of course I liked him too, but I was too shy to say it directly to his face. But I guessed Phil already had figured that out.
"You're still annoying, though. That part doesn't change." Phil smiled back and gently ran his fingers across my cheek.
"So funny," I joked as I nudged his shoulder, making Phil giggle quietly.
We stayed in silence for a while; I didn't know how to react to this.
"Does this change things?" I asked, looking away from him.
"Do you want this to change things?"
"I don't know…" This was very confusing and scary. Phil was my friend. He would always be my friend, no matter what happened, but this would definitely change some things.
"I won't let anything change if you won't, Dan," Phil assured me.
"But I don't know..." I muttered and pulled the mask down. It was distracting my thoughts.
Phil lifted my head back up and locked his gaze with mine. "You don't have to know either. Let's just let things happen, slowly. Okay? You don't have to think about anything else besides feeling better at the moment. That's all you have to worry about right now. Nothing else."
"Yeah…" I nodded slowly in his hand.
"Promise me that?" He lowered his head a bit, making him look even more determinedly.
"Promise." I smiled shyly.
Phil -
"I'll follow him, don't worry," I hurriedly told Dan's mother as we stepped out of the room in which we'd just had a conversation with one of Dan's doctors about his condition.
"Thank you." She smiled sadly to me. "I think you'll do better with him anyway."
I nodded quickly and started running down the corridor. Dan hadn't got that far so it was easy to catch up.
"Dan, stop," I said as I grabbed his arm, forcing him to stop moving.
"Let go, p-please," he sobbed, pulling his arm back. "I don't want t-to t-talk."
"We won't talk then," I breathed. "We won't do anything."
Dan started shaking his head as he began walking backwards, stepping away from me. He tried desperately not to cry, but was slowly failing. I let out a deep breath and started following him, keeping a small distance because I wanted this to be in his own pace.
Dan stepped further away until his back hit the wall at the end of the corridor. He let himself slide down the wall and sat on the floor. I followed his lead and sat down in front of him, blocking the view from whoever was walking by behind us.
He pulled his knees up to his chest, hid his head behind them, and started crying properly into them.
I stayed still, just watching him.
"I'm dying, Phil," he quietly sobbed, his head still bowed.
"We're all dying, Dan…" I tried, and placed my hand on his shoulder.
"I-I'm just dying f-faster..."
"No you're not." But I knew my responses didn't have a chance in this kind of conversation. The only thing I could do was try to get his mind somewhere else.
"I am. You heard the d-doctor."
"I heard him. But no one said anything about dying." I pulled my hand back and sighed softly, letting him do things his way.
Dan lifted his head and glanced back at me with his red, puffy eyes. "They can't close it. They can't close it, Phil. Do you know what that means?" he cried while the tears flowed down his cheeks.
"Yes..." I whispered. After ten days in hospital because of his cold, the doctors decided to run Dan through a couple of tests and different scans to see if there were any changes. If it was possible to close the hole he has in his heart, they would have done it, but it was too risky.
Dan rested his head back down on his knees and started shaking a little while he kept on crying. I crawled over the floor, sat down close beside him, and wrapped on arm around his shoulders, trying to comfort him.
He didn't move so I guessed it was okay. I placed my head down on his on shoulder and held him close around his side.
"Nothing will happen," I whispered.
"H-how can you know that?" he cried without looking at me.
"I don't know. I just have a positive feeling that everything is going to be okay." The truth is that I was terrified and I feared for the future. But I couldn't let Dan know that. We couldn't both be feeling this way. This wasn't good news. It was not particularly bad news either. Considering the circumstances, Dan was still strong: his heart was still beating, everything was fine. Nothing had changed for the worse, but neither had anything changed for the better. His heart would get weaker as years passed by and that was what scared him. And me too.
"Give me your hand." I said, pulling my arm off of him.
He lifted his head from his knees and stared questioningly at me, but stretched out his arm. I turned around beside him, making it possible for me to get a full look of him. I grabbed his wrist and forced his legs down. He sniffed, surprised, but didn't protest.
"Feel this." I gently guided his hand to his chest, placing it right over his heart, and pressed his hand down. "Can you feel that?" I asked him.
He nodded slowly and dried his eyes with his free hand.
"Good." I smiled. "Now feel this." I pulled his hand away and pressed it against my own chest. "Feel that too?"
"Y-yes," he sniffed.
"Can you feel any difference from your heartbeat to mine?" I asked. I tangled his fingers with mine as I moved his hand away.
"No," he answered and shook his head.
"Look..." I reached my hand into my pocket and took out my iPhone, turned on the front camera, and looked into it. "Who has a heart condition?" I asked and nuzzled close enough so we both would fit on the screen, my head leaning against his,
"Me," Dan muttered.
"And how do you know?" I stared into his eyes through the camera.
"Well… I just know."
"If you didn't 'just know' then who would you say had one?"
He sighed deeply. "I don't know," he mumbled. My point was slowly sinking in.
"Exactly. What is happening in there—" I pointed back on his chest. "—has nothing to do with what is happening out here or in that," I assured him, and gently poking his forehead to show him what I was talking about.
"If no one knew, then how could they tell? If we live like nothing is wrong I'm sure it will help with the mental image. It's about how you see yourself, Dan. If you constantly see yourself as ill, nothing is going to help… and I know you're ill..." I stopped to take a deep breath. I hated talking about it. "It's not like I just forget about everything. It's just… Why think about it all the time when there are so many other amazing things that matter?" I stopped to make sure he could follow my explanation
"Your heart just has a hard time sometimes, Dan. But that doesn't mean you're dying," I whispered as I locked my gaze with his. "I don't think we can get rid of you that easily." I smiled widely and squeezed his hand.
"Maybe n-not…" he sobbed, forcing himself to smile.
"But you're allowed to leave this horrible place now. So how about we go out and find ourselves some hot chocolate and something to eat?" I asked and got ready to stand up.
"That sounds g-good."
"Great." I smiled and stood up from the floor before stretching out my hands, asking for him to grab them so I could help him up.
"No more crying, okay?" I whispered as I wiped the last tears away from his cheek with my thumb.
"Okay." He took a few deep breaths and nodded against my hand.
"Everything is going to be fine."
Dan nodded again before he lazily wrapped his arms around my body. He rested his chin down on my shoulder and held me close. I placed both my hands on his back and slowly rubbed them up and down for comfort.
"Thank you, Phil," he whispered and gave me a quick squeeze.
"No problem."
A/N: Please continue! ^^