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11. All this has happened all before

Once, he was part of a team. He was part of something special. They were saving the world, and it was easy to forget how dangerous their mission was. Casualties were unheard of and every plan came off successfully. Perhaps not exactly how Steve originally intended, but they achieved the goal nonetheless. It was a great team effort, where all ideas were welcomed and everyone had their own individual ways to contribute.

It had always been his job to scout ahead, to take care of recon. Even from the first mission. Prior to Steve joining the war, he doesn't remember doing that kind of task. There hadn't been any training to hone that skill in particular. He had been just like the other soldiers, if perhaps a bit more adept than average. So he doesn't know why Steve immediately gave that job to him, and why he had done so well at it right off the bat. Though Steve's perceptiveness cannot be discounted.

Perhaps it had something to do with his natural aptitude for protection. He'd protected his family ever since he was a child and his father spent so much time on base, and it had only increased when his father had died. And then there was Steve, of course, who was clearly much in need of protecting. Though he had to do it in a less obvious way, so not to wound Steve's pride. But it was ingrained in him to take care of people. And being a scout meant looking ahead and into danger before anyone else, burdened with the knowledge that the work might mean the difference between life and death for his friends. So he had taken it very seriously, and that's what was needed.

Most of his missions with the Howlies are fuzzy and run together, but he thinks of them often. Particularly after the missions he does now, with Natalia or Steve. He isn't sure which he prefers, but doesn't feel quite as comfortable in either case as he did during the war. Perhaps that is because his missions are no longer overt, despite the chaos that often erupts before the end of them. They are all supposed to be stealthy and go unnoticed. So maybe he just misses things being clearer and having his own job.

It seems that things are being kept from him and that makes him extremely uncomfortable. It was always his preference to have as much information as possible before acting, and the feeling was further driven home during the war. And after it, he supposes. He could never do his job without knowing all the facts, or discovering them himself. The apparent reality of Steve hiding something important from him, and being in the dark for possibly months, is disturbing.

He sits at his kitchen table, unmoving since Steve left. Eventually, he stopped staring after him and now just surveys the room absently as he considers what the issue could possibly be. He had attributed Steve's reticence when it came to talking about Sharon to his well-known awkwardness with women. But perhaps it has something to do with SHIELD instead. He doesn't understand why Steve wouldn't tell him, and makes up all kinds of theories to explain his behavior, each more upsetting than the last.

Finally, he goes to get his phone and calls Natalia. She's always been straight with him.

"Hello, James," she says pleasantly after the second ring. "How'd the mission go?"

"Fine," he replies shortly. "What is Steve not telling me?"

There is a pause before she answers with a forced unconcern that sets him on edge. "I have no idea. I'm sure there are any number of things he hasn't told you," she explains almost soothingly.

"Natalia." She falls silent, waiting. "What's happening with SHIELD?" he presses.

He can hear her breathe in slowly, then let the breath out. "They figured we shouldn't tell you."

'They' presumably refers to Steve and Sam. "Please, Natalia. Steve's a wreck. I just want to know why."

The line is silent while she considers. "Nick's on the run. We're all lying low right now because we don't want to be found."

"By SHIELD?" he asks, startled.

"By anyone. After we brought down SHIELD, things were… complicated. Messy. Chaotic. Take your pick. Nick was gone, thought dead. Maria and I were being questioned. Steve was in the wind. So they had to find someone to pick up the pieces. Look, James, I don't want to go into all of this."

"Alright," he mutters resignedly.

She sighs. "The problem started when Steve came back, and it only got worse after what happened with the other Avengers. We aren't… all on the same page right now."

Frowning deeply, he stares at the pattern on the table in front of him, thinking. "So we don't work for SHIELD."

"Not anymore, not as things stand. If they had more manpower, they might try to bring us in. As it is, they mostly leave us alone because they know what we really do. But they're under pressure to question us."

"You mean they want to bring me in," he says flatly as things settle into place.

"James –"

"Steve's not the problem. I am. He could work for SHIELD if it weren't for me. And so could you," he continues, trying unsuccessfully to hide the bitterness in his voice.

She is quiet for a long moment. "It's not that simple," she attempts.

"Yes, it is. Steve chose to side with me instead of them, and I know Steve. He doesn't do anything halfway. And now his goose is cooked. Because of me."

"James, of course he sided with you. But people are scared, and you know what can happen when people let that emotion take over."

"Yeah, I do." He doesn't attempt to hide the anger from his tone, though he does resist slamming his fist down on the table.

"I'm coming over," she says with finality, and the line goes dead.

While he waits for her to arrive, he paces. How could Steve have kept this from him? He would willingly have submitted to a trial, to whatever punishment was deemed appropriate. Why would Steve take that decision out of his hands, not even let him know it was an option? What is he supposed to do now? He is angry, and doesn't know what to do about it. The desire to call Steve and give him a piece of his mind is strong, but he doesn't know what that would solve.

Finally, there is a brisk knock at the door and he goes to open it. Unsurprisingly, Natalia stands there, an unreadable expression on her face. He steps back to allow her to enter, shutting the door behind her.

"I need you to calm down," she tells him.

"I am calm," he replies, but his tone betrays him.

She quirks an eyebrow at him, then walks over to sit down at his table. Patting the space beside her, she looks at him expectantly. He sighs, but joins her.

"You have to see it from his point of view," she tells him gently, leaning forward to look him in the eye.

He meets her gaze levelly, but frowns. "How can I do that if he won't tell me anything?"

She licks her lips and looks thoughtful. "You're right. But think of it now."

"He'd do anything for me, no matter what it cost him," he mutters, looking away.

"He would," she agrees.

"And he never lets people know when they've hurt him. When they're still hurting him."

She nods, smiling hesitantly at him. "He doesn't like letting anyone else have a burden to bear," she suggests.

Cocking his head at her, he considers for a moment. "You know him as well as I do."

A short laugh escapes her. "Oh, I wouldn't say that. But I've been getting to know him pretty well in the last couple years. He needs you, James. More than anyone else. He doesn't think he has anyone else," she clarifies when he looks puzzled.

He sighs heavily. "How can he need me when he never tells me what he's going through?"

"I don't know what he wants, James. But you do. And I think you should go talk to him, now that you're not angry."

Looking at her appraisingly, he appreciates the earnestness of her expression. "Alright," he promises, then looks down at his hands. "Will you come with me?"

She is smiling, a little sadly, when he looks up. "Of course."