I'll heal the hole in your heart chapter 5

Summary about chapter 5: (They're 17-18 years old) Dan can't sleep so Phil stays up and talks to him.

Words: 2.175

Phil -

"What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing…"

"How can you think of nothing?" I giggled quietly, slightly nervous and worried, just trying to lift the tense mood.

"That's easy," Dan answered simply, leaning his head back against the wall. I kept staring at him from the other end of the bed.

It was three in the morning on a Friday night and we were sitting on each end of his bed, both in our pyjamas. Dan was having one of those nights where sleep was the last thing on his mind, so we had been sitting there for a few hours, just doing nothing.

"Are you scared?" I asked, my voice low.

"No…" he replied weakly, without looking at me.

I watched him as he pulled his legs up to his chest and rested his forehead down on his knees instead. I knew he was uncomfortable. I knew him well enough to tell that even without talking to him.

"What is it, Dan?" I asked. I leaned forward on the bed, making it possible for me to lazily run my fingers through his hair.

But he didn't answer, just stayed curled up in a human ball opposite of me. I sighed softly and stopped my movements to give him some space and time, if that was what he needed. The poor lighting from his nightstand made shadows fall over Dan's body and mixed them with the darkness around us, making everything look quite frightening.

"I am scared," he whispered, his voice breaking slightly. He was crying. My heart dropped and I felt the familiar empty feeling filling my stomach, like it always did whenever he felt bad.

"Of what?" I asked quietly, still staying a few feet away from him.

"I don't know, Phil," he mumbled into his knees. "Everything is just so… scary and c-confusing."

"Like what?" I needed to get him to talk so I'd know which way I would be able to make it better.

"You."

"Me?" But I knew what he was talking about. He was referring to the kiss. We hadn't really talked about it before now. He'd had to stay at the hospital for another ten days, so there wasn't enough space in his head to have thoughts about me or the kiss. And then we got the news from his doctor. That didn't help with anything, so I understood why Dan was feeling this way.

I began to question if it was such a good idea exposing my feelings after all. But I couldn't resist the temptation. Him lying there on the white bed beside me, nearly asleep, with his hair falling perfectly over his eyes… Everything about that moment was perfect to me. If he hadn't been in hospital, it would have been even more perfect.

"Are you questioning anything?" I asked and moved a little closer. "You know what I mean…"

"N-no I'm not," he sobbed. "I know what I want."

"Then why are you sad?"

"I'm not sad, Phil. Just… f-frustrated."

I sighed quietly and crawled across the mattress to sit on my knees right in front of him. Being as gentle as I possibly could, I lifted his head from his knees.

"Don't cry," I whispered, and wiped a few tears away from his cheek with my sleeve. I hated seeing him cry. I felt guilty, even though it wasn't my fault. My job was to make him feel better, not this.

"I'm sorry," he sniffed, quickly moving his head away from me to wipe the rest of the tears away with the back of his hand.

"Don't be sorry." I smiled and grabbed a hold of his wrist, making him stop his movements so that he could look at me. "It's okay to be sad," I assured him. "Nothing to feel bad about."

He nodded slowly in response and took a few deep breaths in an attempt to calm down.

"Nothing has changed, Dan. I promise you. I don't look at you different in any way. You're still my best and only friend and we can just let it stay like that."

"No," Dan sniffed. "It's not how I w-want i-it. I'm just scared you're gonna leave m-me…"

"Why should I leave you?" I asked, surprised. He didn't answer right away, just stayed sitting against the wall, looking at me in silence.

"Why don't you treat me like I'm ill, Phil?" Dan asked back without answering my question. He looked into my eyes, suddenly more serious.

"Why should I?" I sat down properly, tilted my head slightly to the side, and wrinkled my forehead at him.

"Everyone else always does. But you never do. Not even the first time we met."

"I don't see you as ill," I answered simply while shaking my head a little.

"Then how do you see m-me?" he asked, nervously sniffing a couple of times.

I took a deep breath and carefully looked him over. I saw the same Dan as I always saw. Amazingly deep brown eyes, matching his dark brown hair. His marked cheekbones and jaw line. His perfect white skin, matching mine…

"I see a beautiful boy sitting in front of me," I started with a smile. "I see a person who is scared about the future, but who doesn't let anything come between him and life's struggles even though things can get hard. I see a strong person, who I care about very much and I've agreed to not let anything bad happen to him no matter what…" I paused quickly and locked my eyes with his red, puffy ones. "I see someone who is fighting a lot, but chooses his battles carefully. I see a winner. I see someone who doesn't just give up if things get difficult. A person who puts others first, even though he shouldn't." I smiled. "I see a person with a lovely personality and whose way to make others smile is incredible. I see an amazing actor who has a long and wonderful life in front of him with a lot of opportunities. "

Dan's face lit up a little in the dark room and a grateful smile spread across his face as he blinked at me.

"What do you see when I'm in hospital?" he muttered.

"The same as I just told you. It doesn't matter where you are, Dan. I'll always see the same things," I assured him. "Always.."

He nodded slowly.

"What do you see?" I asked him after a few minutes of silence.

He turned a light shade of red as he looked down and nervously started playing with the end of his shirt.

"I see a warrior…" he began quietly. "Who has given up on a lot of things through the past years so he could sit here tonight. I see a person who I would jump in front of a car for. A person I owe everything. Someone I can trust and rely on, someone I'm comfortable around…" He slowly lifted his head and glanced on me, his eyes slightly more glassy than before. "A person who makes me forget about the hard times, but makes me remember the good." He paused and breathed heavily.

"A person I can see a future with without questioning or doubting anything…" he continued. I felt how my heartbeat rose and my body started to heat up. A lump was forming in my throat, which made it hard to keep my breathing steady.

"Someone who makes me feel safe…" I watched as a few lonely tears ran down his cheek. "And loved. And normal…"

It became harder to understand him as he kept talking. I stayed silent, just listening to what he had to say and trying my best to not give in to the indescribable urge to blink, as I was sure a few tears would leave my eyes too.

"You protect me and I can't thank you enough. I don't even know how to thank you…" He smiled and allowed the tears to fall.

"You don't have to thank me, Dan," I whispered, doing my best to control my voice.

"I do. I really do." He nodded while he said it and untangled his legs from his arms.

"No, you don't…" I tried, my voice low and husky.

"I'll give you a-anything," he sobbed and stretched out his legs.

"Well, you can give me that duvet. I'm quite tired." I smiled and tried my best to get him away from this subject. I didn't like talking about this anymore. He didn't owe me anything—his friendship was enough. More than enough.

Dan let out a laugh and dried his cheeks with the sleeve of his hoodie. "Yeah, sleep would be good," he sniffed as he glanced at me, the same thankful way as he always did.

I move around on the bed and got ready to leave it just before Dan grabbed my wrist.

"Can you stay up here?" he asked nervously, with an unsteady voice. "Please."

"Of course," I replied immediately, crawling across the bed. We both lay down and I threw the duvet around us.

"How do you do it?" Dan asked. He turned around on the pillow so we were facing each other.

"Do what?"

"This whole, talking thing?" he sniffed and slowly rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand.

"I don't know. It's just… well, I don't know." I smiled and moved my hand to Dan's cheek, stroking my fingers across the damp skin.

"I like your talking. It helps…" he mumbled while looking at me.

"I'm glad." I let my fingers travel to his hair and ran them through it, lazily playing with his brown locks.

Dan breathed heavily into my face and leaned closer. I knew what he was trying to do and I didn't have any intention of stopping him, so I closed my eyes right before I felt Dan's soft lips being carefully placed on mine. I could feel how his whole body was tense and unsure, but he soon relaxed into the kiss.

Dan softly bit into my lower lip, asking for permission. I parted my lips and let his tongue slip inside, making our tongues and lips dance together. This was all I had ever dreamt about and I couldn't believe this was Dan's first real kiss—he was incredible. I was sure my heart skipped a beat, making me feel light-headed. Everything about this felt right.

I slipped my hand underneath our duvet and around him to touch his back, making it possible for me to pull him a little closer to my body.

My fingers were tangled in his hair and our lips moved in sync. I couldn't help but smile a little into the kiss. This was actually happening and it was perfect. Dan was lying right here beside me, kissing me. I couldn't speak for him, but it was like all the worries got washed away and it was only us—no one else. I wouldn't mind staying here forever.

Dan pulled back for air and I opened my eyes back up.

"How do I tell my parents this?" he asked, with slight fear in his voice.

"The same way as you would tell them that the sun rises in the morning. This isn't in any way different from that, okay?" I assured him, lowering my voice to make my point clear. This wasn't something that should scare him or make him uncomfortable. This should make him feel good like it made me feel good. Nothing should scare him.

"Being gay is perfectly fine, Dan." I smiled caringly towards him.

"Yes." He smiled back and took a deep breath.

I pulled my arm back from around him and stayed staring into his eyes.

"And now I think we should get some sleep or else I'll be crying blood tomorrow," I joked as I nuzzled into the small bed.

Dan moved around beside me, making it so that he was almost lying on top of me.

"Hope you don't mind," he whispered into my shirt.

"I don't," I whispered back. Making sure the duvet was covering us both, I wrapped my arms around him the best I could and nuzzled him even closer.

"What does this make us?" Dan mumbled into my chest.

"What do you want this to make us?" I responded sleepily while my hand automatically moved up and down on his back, trying to make him relax.

"I don't know," he sighed.

"We don't have to be boyfriends just because we kissed, Dan. Let's just let things happen. No need to rush anything. I'm still your best friend," I assured him.

"Yeah.."

"Do you want to tell your parents?" I asked in a low voice.

"Can we wait with that? Only for a while? I want this to be just us.." Dan replied. I could hear he was slowly drifting off.

"That's fine. Just us sounds pretty okay to me." I answered and smiled to myself.

"P-perfect.." Dan yawned and squeezed my upper body.

"Goodnight."

A/N: Please continue! ^^