I'll heal the hole in your heart chapter 6
Summary about chapter 6: (They're 17-18 years old) Phil has something important to tell Dan and he's scared about how it will change the future.
A/N: This is kind of a 'fill-out-because-bigger-things-is-about-to-happen' chapter.
Words: 4.812
Dan -
"There's something I have to talk to you about, Dan," Phil said, his voice suddenly more serious.
"What?" I asked nervously, opening my eyes back up. The sun was shining brightly, obscuring my vision slightly.
Phil only sighed in response and sat up beside me. I also sat up from the ground and looked questioningly at him, my nervousness increasing by the second due to his tone.
"I have to move," he breathed out.
"You what?" I asked, not sure if I even heard what he'd said.
"I have to move. After Sixth Form is over. And after your 18th birthday, of course," Phil whispered apologetically.
"But..." It felt like my whole world was grinding to a halt. Every noise sounded surreal, and suddenly Phil seemed very far away.
"Remember why I moved here all those years ago?"
"Your dad got a new job…" I breathed out desperately.
"Yeah. But now he has to go back, so we're moving again," Phil whispered carefully. I could tell he was attempting to calm me down, but it wasn't working. I'd already started panicking as thoughts flew around inside my head. He couldn't move away; he just couldn't.
"No!" I found myself crying out, rushing to stand.
"Dan. Please sit back down," Phil tired.
I didn't listen, just violently shook my head and started walking backwards. My heart rate rose slightly as I felt panic fill my body.
"Dan. Sit down," Phil repeated in a calm voice.
I stepped further away from him. I didn't want to be here. I wanted to run away—just run until my heart would give up. Phil couldn't move—what would I do then?
Tears filled my eyes and blurred my vision slightly as I kept backing away from him.
Phil sighed deeply before he also rose from the ground. "Calm down, Dan," he whispered as he followed me across the grass.
My heart rate increased along with my breathing as panic started shaking my body. "You can't," I cried quietly, continuing to move away. "W-what about m-me?" I sobbed desperately. My breath caught in my throat as I did my best not to cry.
Phil quickly grabbed my arm, forcing me to stop moving. His touch usually calmed me down, but this time he was the reason I was reacting like this. Now it just felt uncomfortable.
"I've been thinking about something. But I don't think I'm ready to carry that responsibility," Phil said in a low voice. "And I don't think you're ready…" He sighed.
"What? W-what have you thought about?" I sobbed. I tried to pull my arm back from his grip, but failed.
"I'm going to live by myself up in Manchester because I got a job in the city. You could come with me, but—"
"Yes," I hurriedly interrupted.
"Dan." Phil lowered his head and stared deeply into my eyes. "Your condition and—"
"What about it?" I quickly dried my eyes with the back of my free hand. "What about my c-condition?" I said determinedly.
"It's just—"
"You've always taught me to believe in myself, Phil. Illness or not. Nothing should come in my way. I can do what I w-want. I wanna move in with you."
"Yes, but that's not what I'm talking about, Dan. I'm talking about… me." He paused. "I would be the one looking after you all the time—making sure you get to the hospital, making sure you take your mediation… everything. I just don't know if I'm ready. If you're ready. You'd have to move far away from your family. You're going to be at a new hospital with new doctors," Phil explained, still holding my arm so I couldn't move away.
"Manchester has a better heart department. I've been there, it'll be f-fine," I tried. I was 18; I could look after myself. Phil didn't have to. I just couldn't live without him.
He sighed. "Let's be realistic here…"
"It is realistic, Phil! I wanna go with you. Please," I begged.
"Dan…"
"I can get a job too. It'll be fine. I—"
"I'm scared, okay?!" Phil burst out. He let go of my arm and swung his in the air, frustrated. "I'm scared I can't do a good enough job! I'm scared something is going to happen to you and when I'm not there! I'm scared I can't take care of you! I just don't know if I'm ready…" He whispered the last few words. "And it's killing me, Dan. I can't leave you—you're my best friend. I'm just—" He locked his gaze with mine, "—scared."
"Well I'm not. For the first time in my life, I'm not scared, Phil. But I won't be your burden, so I understand," I said in the calmest voice I could muster. "But if you leave, I will be scared. I'll be terrified all the time. You've done so many good things for me. You've made me see the world in a whole new, bright way. Things I've only ever dreamt about came true when you stepped into my life. Trusting you doesn't scare me."
"Let me think about it, okay?" he mumbled. "I'll think about it. It's just a big responsibility..."
I nodded in response. I knew it was. And it wasn't fair, forcing him to take me with him. But the thought of him not being there when I needed him was killing me.
"I'm not even sure your mum will let you leave." Phil smiled calmly and took a step closer. "But I have to admit that waking up to your pretty face everyday sounds tempting." He smirked and gently wiped the last tear off my cheek, trying to lighten the mood a bit.
I sniffed shyly, blushing. "You're already looking at my pretty face everyday."
"Not in the morning—" Phil stepped as close as possible and rested his forehead on mine, "—when your hair's all curly."
"You like the curls?" I sniffed, smiling.
Phil sighed, and I felt his arms wrap around me as we stood close together in the middle of the park, the sun heating up our bodies. "I like everything about you…"
Phil -
I was walking through town by myself, on my way to meet Dan's mum. We had planned to meet up without Dan knowing. I wanted to talk to her about this whole situation.
I could easily see a future with Dan. It didn't even have to be in a relationship; our friendship was so unique and I felt so bad for just leaving. But I also wanted to be close to my family, so I was torn between the two most important things in my life.
Taking Dan with me so we could live together would both be a dream and a nightmare come true. I would get the chance to be around the person I valued above anything else, but at the same time, his condition would be showing every day. I had always tried to push it away—not thinking about it that much and just focus on the good things in our lives.
But now I would be the one who had to take him to his appointments at the hospital. I would be the one who had to stay up with him whenever he had a bad night. I would have to stay home with him if something wasn't right.
I would have to do everything and I just didn't know if I was ready. I would have another job to do too, not just looking after Dan.
"Hey." I smiled to Mrs. Howell when I entered her office.
"Hey, Phil. Take a seat, please," she offered, and pointed at a chair opposite her desk.
I nodded thankfully as I sat down. "I don't know if Dan told you," I started, "but I'm moving back to Manchester." I sighed and looked sadly at her.
"No, he hasn't. I'm sorry to hear that, Phil. How come?" she asked nervously. I knew I was like a third son to her, and like a seventh doctor to Dan. Moving away would not just be a loss to Dan, but to his whole family.
"My family is moving back. And I've just got a perfect job and apartment there…" I mumbled. "But what I'm here to talk about is Dan."
"What about him?" she asked, leaning a little over her desk.
"He wants to go with me..." I breathed out and gazed down on my hands. "He wants to come live with me in Manchester. It's just—"
"He what?" Mrs. Howell interrupted, surprised.
I looked back up at her. "He wants to travel with me. And I don't know how to tell him that he can't…" I paused.
"What do you want to do?" she asked.
"I want him to come with me, I really do. But, you know, his heart... I don't know if I can handle everything. I don't know if he can handle everything..."
"If anyone can look after him properly, it's you, Phil. I trust you more than I trust the doctors. You almost know more about him and his condition than I do." She smiled caringly. "But it is a big decision."
"Yes it is," I whispered.
"You're only 18 years old. May I ask why you're going to live by yourself?"
"My parents are going to live a little outside of Manchester and I'm going to work in the city, so I found a cheap apartment that I can easily afford," I explained.
"Are you going to start University?" she asked calmly.
"Maybe next year. I'll just wait and see how things play out." I smiled.
"Okay," she breathed out, leaning back in the chair. "Okay. You see, I never thought Dan would be able to have anything this close to a normal life. His father and I have always tried, but it was only after you two met that things really started coming together. He'd never had any friends really, because he couldn't do anything. But you just… deal with it." She smiled. "You took him places when we couldn't and I felt one hundred percent comfortable sending him anywhere with you. I still do. You've brought so many good things into his life."
I nodded along with her explanation, blushing slightly.
"So maybe this isn't such a bad idea."
I froze in my chair, not really sure I'd heard right. "What?"
"I really don't believe he's ready to move out yet, no. But when will he be? His condition isn't just something that will disappear. I want him to move out of the house eventually, of course I do. So that he can try to have a normal life and be independent. He could get a wonderful start with you, I'm not doubting that for one second, Phil."
"Yeah…" I nodded. I was a little shocked. I thought she would reject it right away.
"But it's all up to you. Because, like you said yourself, he's going to be your responsibility."
"Yeah, I know…" I took a deep breath.
"I won't pressure you at all. If you don't want to, it's totally okay, really. I'll talk to him and explain it." She smiled.
"I'll think about it. I want to get my exams out of the way first, but I'll definitely think about it," I assured her, nodding eagerly.
"Take as long as you like."
I walked out of there with mixed feelings. Dan and I could move in together—be living together—but I was so nervous. It wasn't just living with Dan. He'd have to move far away from his parents and I would have to stand in as his parent and take full responsibility for him.
I was allowed to say no of course. This was all up to me now.
"I'm ready to tell them," Dan mumbled as he buttoned his shirt.
"You sure?" I asked a little nervously, not really sure what he was talking about, although I had an idea.
"Positive. If you're going to move, I want to tell them."
"You don't have to." I rose from his bed and stepped towards him.
"It's been almost five mouths. I'm sure." He turned around to face me.
"Dan…"
"On my birthday. That's when I'll tell them."
I sighed softly and stepped closed the distance between us. "If you say so." I smiled, resting my forehead on his. I hadn't told him that his mum had agreed to let him move in with me because I still wasn't sure about it.
Together with all of the exams the past month, I'd had enough on my mind. Dan had too, because he had to skip a few classes to go visit the hospital, so we hadn't talked about it since we were in the park and I told him I was moving.
"I can't believe my mum's letting me go to this party," Dan whispered nervously at me.
I wrapped my arms around him and held him tightly. "That's because I'm there to look after you," I whispered back.
"So this is going to be my first party ever, and my last party ever?" he joked with a smirk. But I could see he was hurt. If I was going to move away from him, he couldn't go anywhere.
"Maybe." I smiled before I gently pressed my lips against his. "Maybe not."
"You know what will happen when you aren't around, Phil. I'm going to stay in my room until I die, just waiting for you to come back..." he murmured as he moved his gaze to our feet on the floor.
"How about we don't talk about this tonight and just have a good time? We just finished school, Dan! You even got better grades than me, so how can you stand here being sad?" I said cheerily as I released him.
"Yeah, that was kind of a miracle." He smiled shyly at the floor.
"So no more of this, okay?" I tried. I knew exactly what would happen if I wasn't around anymore, and that was one of the main reasons why I really wanted him to come with me. He would get a chance to have something close to a real life with me and I wanted it so badly for him. I just had to be a hundred percent sure so I wouldn't disappoint him in case I changed my mind.
"No..." He lifted up his head and looked at me. "I'll try not to think about it."
I smiled. "Great."
We were interrupted by a low knock on the door and we both turned around.
"Ready boys?" Dan's mum asked us both, glancing from me to Dan.
"Yes." I smiled to her.
"Okay, I'll wait downstairs." She turned around to walk back out, leaving me and Dan alone again.
"How do I look?" he asked as he stepped in front of me. "And be honest."
"Beautiful." I assured, looking him over one more time.
"Sure? Should I wear the other shirt instead?" Dan asked.
"No. This one is just perfect."
"Final answer?" he asked again.
"Yes!" I groaned, but it was with a smile. "You're absolutely perfect like this," I told him, making him blush slightly.
"I'm nervous…"
"Nervous about what?"
"I don't know. It's just… I never thought I would make it this far," Dan muttered, moving his gaze to the ground.
"What do you mean?" I asked, a little confused. I lifted his head up so he could look at me.
"Like, finish school. I didn't believe I would make it..." he whispered into my hand.
I let go of him and sighed sadly. "But you did, Dan. Nothing to be nervous about." I smiled caringly. "Let's go in?" I said, but made it sound like a question. We wouldn't if Dan didn't want to.
"Just don't leave me," he whispered nervously. He didn't have many friends, so going to a party with a lot of people was not something he was totally comfortable with.
"I promise." I smiled and stretched out my hand, inviting him to grab it so we could go in together.
Once we were inside, I asked into his ear, "What do you want to drink?"
"My mum said no drinking?" he answered, confused.
"I know!" I grinned. "What kind of soda do you want?"
"Oh. Coke?"
"Sure." I took one of the cans from the table and filled a glass. "If someone asks, just say it's rum and coke. Then no one will pressure you to drink anything or ask why you aren't, okay?" I said as I handed it to him. I knew people, and they wouldn't take no as an answer if they were drunk themselves. They wouldn't understand and then Dan would have to explain his situation. Of course they knew he had a heart condition, but I knew he didn't like talking about it, so I made sure he didn't have to when it could be avoided.
He nodded eagerly and mouthed a 'thank you'. I gave his upper arm a quick squeeze and pointed in the other direction towards a table where some of our classmates were sitting.
Dan -
We sat down around the table. I tried my best to keep as small as possible, not wanting to get too into the conversation. I wasn't used to socializing. I didn't know anyone besides Phil and the people at the theater I worked at every now and then.
Even though I wasn't really talking, I was still enjoying myself. It was actually good being out for once. I had never been to a party before, so it was all new and interesting to me.
Me and Phil were a little late, so a few people were already kind of drunk. It was fun to watch. I knew Phil had been to parties without me before and gotten drunk; he had told me about it.
I wouldn't mind him getting drunk tonight. I'd like to see that actually—maybe it would be fun. But he had promised my mum that he wouldn't so that he could look after me. I was glad he'd agreed of course, so I could come, but also a little sad on his behalf. It was the last party of the year and after this everyone would have to spilt up and start working or start at new, far away universities. He should be enjoying himself, not babysitting me.
"You okay?" Phil asked me over the music.
"Yeah," I assured him, nodding. "Everything is fine." I smiled widely.
"Great," Phil whispered happily before turning back to the conversation. I stayed silent, just listening.
I would lie if I said I didn't want to try drinking. Not that it was something I really needed, but I still wanted to try. At least just taste something like a normal person. I felt kind of like a child, even though I knew there was no reason to. I knew I didn't have to drink to be a part of the party. But when you're almost 18 and you're not drinking, you feel a little left out.
"Need another?" the guy next to me suddenly asked, pushing me out of my trance.
"Ehh, yes?" I rushed, without really thinking. I was so shocked by the sudden voice that 'yes' was the only answer on my mind. I regretted my choice of words immediately when I realised he wouldn't be bringing me another soda.
"I'm getting a new one myself, so I can bring you one too." He smiled, and before I got the chance to protest, he was gone.
I sighed softly, for only myself to hear. Now I had to drink whatever he brought back or else it would be rude.
"What's your name?" the guy asked me as he sat down, handing me the drink.
"Dan." I gave him a friendly smile and took the cup from him.
"Sam." The boy smiled back and stretched out his hand. I gently shook it while taking a small sip of the drink he just brought me. It wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be, so I took another sip.
"Nice to meet you, Dan."
"You too." I smiled widely. I was at a party, talking to people. People besides Phil. I hadn't tried anything like that before and it felt quite nice.
"I really shouldn't." I smiled politely and pushed the cup across the table. Me and Sam had been talking for a few hours and Phil had moved to sit on the other side of the table so he could talk to some of the others.
"Come on. It's not that strong." He smiled and pushed the cup back in front of me. If Phil found out about this he would kill me. Or my mum would kill him. Phil hadn't paid attention to me for the past hour besides exchanging smiles every now and then.
Sam was really nice and we were having a great time just talking and laughing, but I was so bad at saying no. He had been giving me drinks every time I finished one and my world was starting to spin around. It was a whole new feeling to me, and then again, it wasn't. Being dizzy was not new to me at all.
"Yeah, but I really shouldn't," I tried.
But his pouting made me give in. I didn't want to be the weird one anymore; I took up the glass and quickly downed the liquid.
This wouldn't be good for anything. I could feel my heart rate raising as the alcohol flowed through my bloodstream.
"I'm just going to use the toilet," I told Sam, and slowly rose to standing. I unsteadily grabbed a hold of the chair for support and started walking out.
My elevated heart rate was making me feel really nauseous and light-headed. The whole journey towards the toilet was a blur.
I stepped into the toilet and quickly locked the door behind me. I let myself slide down the inside of the door to rest against it and closed my eyes, trying my best to get my body under control. Staying completely still helped a little with the tightening feeling in my chest.
"Has anyone seen Dan? You know, the brown-haired boy I came with?" I heard Phil ask some of the people outside the door.
"I think he's inside there, throwing up or something. It's been a while," someone answered him. I stayed still. My heartbeat was finally under control, leaving me breathless and tired, sitting against the door, not daring to move too much.
"He's what?" I head Phil cry.
"I don't know. I saw him walk in and he didn't come out again."
"Dan?" Phil asked while knocking firmly on the door. "If you're in there, open up. And now, please."
I really didn't have the energy to move, but I had to or else he would probably kick the door down and I was sitting right behind it.
I stretched my arm up and turn the key around. Phil started pushing the door in, but my whole weight was leaning against it.
"Dan?" he asked, concerned, and pushed the door harder, making me slide across the floor. "What are you doing?"
I wanted to answer him, but the sudden movements had made the contents in my stomach turn around and a rising feeling filled my throat. That combined with the pounding in my chest made me really not feel well.
I quickly moved over the floor to sit in front of the toilet. I heard the door being slammed hard behind me before I felt Phil's warm hand on my forehead, supporting me above the bowl.
"What have you been doing?" Phil muttered in a low tone as he sat down on his knees behind me.
But before I got the chance to answer him, I got violently sick into the toilet. I pulled a face because of the taste and smell. This was disgusting and I felt sorry for Phil, who had to watch.
"Wait... Have you been drinking?" he asked, his tone a mix of surprised and worried.
I nodded unsteadily against his hand and took a few deep breaths in an attempt to calm my breathing. No chance I could hide it now.
He stuck two fingers to the side of my neck and pressed down to feel my pulse.
"Does it hurt?" he asked, nudging me a bit to get my attention. "I don't like this. I'm going to call your parents, Dan. I—"
"Please don't," I interrupted. "I'll be fine," I slurred and spat into the bowl again. Phil sighed deeply, untangled some paper from the toilet roll on the wall, and wiped my mouth clean before made me sit against the wall so he could get a proper look at me.
"I'm not even that drunk..." I assured him, trying to focus on his face through my blurred vision. "It just started beating so fast and it got really uncomfortable. And made me feel sick." I closed my eyes tightly together, not wanting to see Phil's reaction.
"What the hell were you thinking?" Phil exclaimed.
"Please don't be mad..." I begged, still not looking at him.
"I'm not, I'm just…" he paused. "Nervous."
"I just wanted to try, Phil. And you weren't looking, so…" This wasn't supposed to happen. I wasn't even allowed to drink. I let myself get carried away by the circumstances. But I guess it was fun as long as it lasted.
"Just how stupid are you?" Phil breathed out heavily and nudged my knee to get me to open my eyes. "Huh?"
My eyes met his concerned, slightly angry gaze. "I'm sorry…" I breathed out.
"Well, that's too late now, isn't it?"
I nodded slowly and rested my forehead down on my knees. "Yes," I mumbled.
We both sat there silently for a few minutes. "Let's go outside," Phil said quietly once we'd both calmed down a bit.
I lifted my head and nodded at him, trying to give him an innocent look to make sure he knew I was sorry. Even though I was supposed to be his responsibility while we were out, it was entirely my own fault.
"Let me help you up." Phil stretched out his hands, inviting me to grab them. I did, and he carefully lifted me off of the floor. "Drink some water," he advised.
"Can you walk yourself?" Phil asked once we were about to leave the toilet.
"Yeah," I assured him as I unlocked the door. "It'll be fine."
We started walked through the crowd to get outside. I kept my head bowed, not wanting to look at anyone. Phil was keeping a hand on my shoulder so we wouldn't get separated.
"Where are you going?" Phil asked from behind me. I just kept walking. A lot of people were standing outside the building and I didn't want any questions, so I kept moving. "Dan?"
Phil gave up on getting an answer and just followed me.
"I'll just lay here," I mumbled. I slumped onto the grass behind the building in which the party was being held.
"You'll just lay there?" he asked, confused. He looked down at me.
"Yeah. Here is fine." I closed my eyes and leaned back on the ground. I was exhausted and wanted some peace from everything.
"Dan..."
"Phil." I opened one eye and glanced up on him. I didn't know if he could see, as it was quite dark. "What?"
"How drunk are you?"
"Not enough," I muttered. Stretching my arms out on the grass, I buried my fingers in the cold straws.
I heard Phil lay down beside me. He grabbed my right hand and tangled his fingers with mine, making me smile widely through the dark.
"Please don't tell my parents," I whispered shyly.
"Are you sure you're okay? No pain or anything?" he asked in a serious tone.
"No. Just a little dizzy and nauseous. And tired."
"I won't then. But only if you promise me it's the last time, Dan. I got so worried when you were missing. If you were feeling bad, you should have told me. Even though you'd been drinking without permission. You can't just walk off like that."
"No. I'm sorry." I opened my eyes back up and stared into the sky above us. All the stars were out.
"But I won't tell. Because maybe your mum will withdraw her permission."
"Her permission for what?" I asked, confused, not having a clue about what he was referring to. I turned my head slightly to look at him through the dark. I could only just see the outline of his face.
"You're coming with me to Manchester."
A/N: Please continue! ^^