I'll heal the hole in your heart chapter 7
Summary about chapter 7: (They're 18 years old) Dan and Phil are finally moving to Manchester. But it's not the start they were hoping for.
Words: 4.127
Dan -
"I'm gay," I breathed out without warning.
The sudden information made my dad drop his knife onto the table and my brother's jaw hang open in surprise. My heart rate increased slightly. This wasn't the start I was expecting. But then again, I didn't have a clue what I'd been expecting would happen.
I felt Phil's eyes glued on me, and I slowly moved my gaze to my plate. Phil knew this was the day I'd decided to tell them: my 18th birthday. Not the quite how I'd envisioned, but when is the right moment to come out anyway?
I sighed deeply and lifted up my head. Everyone just sat there, frozen, staring back at me.
"I just thought you might like to know in case it became important some day," I said determinedly. I gave an anxious smile as I moved my gaze from my mum and back to my dad, who was sitting opposite me. My eyes landed on Phil and he responded with a big, caring smile.
I hadn't talked to Phil about announcing this. I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell them just yet, and Phil always gave the same answer, so it wouldn't make any difference.
"Whatever makes you happy, Dan," my mum ventured, her lips forming a wide smile.
It was like a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders and I could finally breathe normally. Of course I knew they would love me no matter what, but there was always a chance such an announcement wouldn't be appreciated. Although even if they'd reacted differently, I'd be moving out later this day anyway.
"It does. It really does." I smiled back and sat up properly.
"If that's want you want, then there's nothing to worry about," my dad continued as he picked his knife back up.
"Thanks." I inhaled a deep breath and took another bite of my food. Now that that was out of the way, we could continue as normal.
I glanced around at them all, my gaze ending on my brother. He just mumbled an "okay" and started eating again, clearly not caring what I was saying. I rolled my eyes at him and looked away.
I felt Phil lean closer to my side. "I'm proud of you," he whispered quietly, making me smile even wider.
I was proud of me too. It'd taken me months to be this brave, which was stupid because it should be normal. You shouldn't have to build up the confidence to confront your own parents about something like this.
My mum had caught Phil's actions and now looked questioningly at us, like she was expecting me to say more. But I couldn't tell her Phil was my boyfriend—even though I knew that was what she was fishing for—because he wasn't really my boyfriend. Phil was my friend.
Friendship marks a life even more deeply than love. Love risks degenerating into obsession; friendship is never anything but sharing.
We had an independent relationship. We could be whatever we wanted to be, in our own way, and that wasn't for anyone to question. Not even my mum. And I liked it this way.
I looked her in the eyes. "What?" I asked.
She grinned. "Nothing I guess."
"That went well," I breathed in relief once we were outside the restaurant.
"Of course it did, Dan!" Phil smiled and nudged my shoulder with his. "Feeling better now?"
"Much," I muttered happily, slowing down my pace a little. Phil automatically slowed down too.
"You okay?" he asked me, and stopped walking.
"Yeah. I'm just tired." I smiled and dragged him with me along the pavement. "Don't worry." It'd already been a long day and it was hard to keep up with everything.
"We're driving in a few hours. You can take a nap before we leave."
"I'm not sleeping my birthday away, Philip. I'll be fine," I assured him. "I want to stay awake for this. It's not every day you're turning 18." I let go of Phil's wrist once I was sure he was following.
"You can sleep in the car then."
"Yes, yes. Whatever you say," I joked. But this wasn't just normal tiredness; it was pure exhaustion. I usually wasn't stubborn about my condition—I was open about it because it scared me. My mum had always taught me not to be hide things, so I didn't. But this had started only a couple of days ago. Nothing was hurting; I was just tired.
I didn't want to be a burden, especially since we had to move today. There was no time for hospitals or doctors and I knew Phil was uncomfortable enough about taking me with him in the first place. I wouldn't make it worse when we were so close to the moving. When everything had slowed down again, I could tell him.
"Are you driving?" I asked.
"Yes I am! And there's still time to change your mind," Phil joked.
"Even if you were to drag me in a wagon behind a bike all the way to Manchester, I wouldn't say no." I smiled shyly and looked to my side.
Phil smiled back and swung one arm around my shoulder, pulling me closer. "Your present is waiting in the apartment."
"You didn't have to get me anything, Phil. You know that," I muttered.
"I know," he answered simply and gave me a quick squeeze.
"Was that it?"
"That was it. Everything's in the car." I smiled and stepped right in front of my mum.
"I'm going to miss you so much…" she breathed out, pulling me into a tight hug which almost squeezed all the air out of me.
"No you won't." I grinned and wrapped my arms around her, burying my head into her shoulder. This was it—it was actually happening. I was about to drive to Manchester, towards my new apartment, in which I was going to live in alone with my friend. The thought was scaring me more than I wanted to admit.
She slowly released me and gave my cheek a quick kiss, making me smile widely.
"And Phil…" She turned to Phil and opened her arms back up, asking for a hug.
I smiled at them and turned my attention to my dad, who was standing beside me.
"I'm proud of you, Dan," he whispered to me. "And I'm sure you'll do great."
"Thank you," I muttered, while blushing slightly. This was just as big of a surprise to my parents as it was to me. If you'd asked me five years ago how my future would look, I would probably have answered, "what future?". But now it was completely different. I knew I had a future: with Phil. And it was making me happier than I'd ever been.
"Let's get driving!" Phil announced, clapping his hands together to indicate it was time.
I nodded eagerly and picked up the small suitcase in front of me, which stored all of my medication. I had enough drugs to kill a dead man, so we had to be careful where we put it.
"Let me take that," Phil offered and held out his hand.
"Thanks." I smiled and handed it to him before we started walking towards the car.
I opened the car door and hesitantly looked back at my parents, but they were just waving kindly.
"Goodbye!" I yelled as I got into the car.
Phil got in beside me, started the car and slowly drove down the road, first past my parents and my old house, then past Phil's old house.
I couldn't help but smile widely. I had successfully closed a chapter of my life. The best way to predict the future is to create it yourself, and I was ready to do that.
"Dan?" I heard someone ask. "Dan?"
I opened my eyes, confused, and blinked straight ahead. "Hmm?" I mumbled as I let my eyes close together again. I was too exhausted to keep them open.
Phil gently placed a hand on my shoulder to get my attention. "It's six p.m., Dan. You have to wake up."
"Please don't make me," I begged. I turned around in the uncomfortable car seat to face the other way.
"I'm sorry." Phil pulled his hand back from me and I heard him searching around in my stuff on the back seat. "I just want you to take these."
I opened my eyes to look at him. He was holding out a box of pills with all the days of the week on it. It was bigger than a normal box so that all of the pills could fit into it, both the ones I was meant to take in the morning and in the evening.
Just the sight of them was making me feel sick to my stomach, but there was no way I could get around this point of the day.
"I thought we could go get a burger or something." He pointed out of the window behind me and my gaze followed his finger. We'd parked at a freeway restaurant.
"Yeah," I answered simply as I rubbed the last bit of sleep out of my eyes. "How far are we?" I asked, sitting up properly.
"About an hour left I guess." Phil took a few seconds to look me over carefully while wrinkling his forehead slightly. "Let's go in?"
I nodded in response, unbuckled my seatbelt, and opened the door to get out.
Once we were inside, I walked past Phil to find a table. "Just get me the same as you," I murmured to him.
Phil came back a few minutes later holding out two plates. I wasn't that hungry really, but I had to at least eat something with the pills.
He placed the plate in front of me and sat down. "Dan."
"Huh?" I breathed as I opened the small box.
"Are you okay?" he asked quietly, looking me in the eyes. He stared serious back on me.
"Just tired," I assured him with a sigh. It was mostly true. I was tired. I just didn't know why I kept being so tried.
I focused down on my food before I felt Phil's hand being placed on my forehead. I flinched slightly by the sudden touch, but stayed still against his hand as he moved it around my face.
"Just tired," I repeated. I quickly swallowed one of the pills, and soon the rest of them.
"Sure? You look a little pale…" Phil pointed out as he took a bite of his burger.
"I'm sure." I smiled.
After a few minutes of silence, Phil asked with a smirk, "So, how does it feel to be 18?"
"Completely different," I breathed out. "I'm kidding—nothing has changed," I giggled quietly. "I'm excited for my present though. Can you give me a hint? Just a small one…" I begged.
"You'll like it," Phil answered simply.
"I'll like it? Is that my only hint?"
"Yes."
I leaned a little over the table and gently nudged his shoulder. "You Idiot. Give me a proper hint."
"I'm not telling you, so knock it off already, Daniel."
"Fine," I groaned and leaned back on my chair.
"Are you done eating?" Phil asked me, pointing at my plate.
"Yes," I mumbled and stretched my arms over my head, preparing myself for another hour in the car.
"Dan."
"What?"
He gave me a questioning look. "You've only eaten half of it?"
"I'm not that hungry. It's fine." I tried to sound convincing and it was kind of true. I had no appetite; I most of all just wanted to go to bed.
Phil -
"Eat this," I said, and held out a chocolate bar. "I think your blood sugar needs a boost." I turned the key around and started the car.
"Thanks," Dan muttered in response as he buckled his seatbelt.
I slowly drove out of the parking lot and back onto the road.
"I can't wait to show you the place."
"I can't wait to see it."
"We're going to live quite high up, so we'll have a beautiful view," I informed him, focusing straight ahead.
"Please tell me there's a lift then," Dan mumbled jokingly.
"There is. Don't worry." I grinned back. "But everything is done up there. The place only needs us to be completed."
I'd been in Manchester last week, fixing the apartment up with some help from my dad. Dan wouldn't have been too much help anyway, so it was best if we did it alone. Then he wouldn't be in the way.
"Dan?" I asked again when I didn't get a response from him.
I turned my head quickly and found him fast asleep against the window. He hadn't been quite himself lately, but I'd asked him if he was okay multiple times and he always answered that he was, so I had to believe him. He took his condition very seriously—I knew that. So we wouldn't lie.
But it was boring driving alone. I didn't want to be rude and turn up the radio in case it would wake him up, so I just had to sit quietly with my own thoughts all the way to Manchester.
Every once in a while, I glanced over to Dan, but he stayed still the whole way. Something must've really knocked him out. I knew he got tired easily, but this wasn't normal and I had to admit that it was making me a little nervous.
An hour later, I pulled over in front of the tall building. Dan hadn't woken yet, and instead just tried to curl himself together in the small car seat. I got out and walked around the car so I could open his door.
"Wake up," I whispered. I bent my legs a bit to support myself and knelt down on one knee on the ground beside the car.
"We're here now," I continued as I shook him gently. "So you have to wake up."
"We're where?" he mumbled sleepily without opening his eyes.
"Manchester." I unclicked his seatbelt and tried to help him up to a sitting position. "Or home. Call it want you want." I smiled
"I don't even remembering falling asleep," Dan complained. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be." But my tone was serious and concerned. This shouldn't start out with Dan being ill, if that was what was about to happen. "Get out so we can go up."
Dan did as he was told and slowly swung his legs out of the car. I got to stand and grabbed our suitcases with the last of our clothes and the little suitcase with Dan's medication.
I smiled and tangled my fingers with his once we were in the lift. "I missed your company in the car, Dan."
"I'm sorry. I don't know what's happening. I'm just so tired," he moaned and turned to face me. He looked really sorry without any reason to be.
"Stay still," I commanded and pulled my hand out of his. I stuck two fingers to the side of his neck and gently pressed down. The pulse felt rather normal, though. "Everything else seems okay? Nothing hurts, right? Nothing feels different? You have to tell me…"
Dan shook his head from side to side and took a deep breath. "No. Everything is fine. I'm just tired."
I sighed deeply and placed a quick kiss on his forehead right before the lift made a sound to alert us to the fact that it was our stop and we stepped out.
"Ready?" I grinned while holding the key in front of the lock.
"Ready." Dan smiled back, nodding.
"Tadaa!" I said as I pushed the door open. "Oh, maybe we need some light." I flicked the switch and the hall lit up in front of us. "Tadaa!" I repeated with a grin.
"Beautiful, Phil." Dan giggled and walked inside, dragging his suitcase behind him.
"Don't go in the lounge just yet!" I warned and hurried inside to stop him.
"Is my present in there?" he asked curiously, kicking his shoes off.
"Maybe." I smirked and took my shoes off too. "I can show you the rest first." I pushed the door open in front of me. "This was meant to be a spare room. And then it was meant to be your room. But then I figured that you would rather sleep in my room, so now we can have our clothes and other stuff in here. But if you want your own room, we can make it that of course."
"Your room is fine," Dan assured me.
"Thought so." I closed the door again and walked down the hall, making sure Dan followed.
"Here's our room then." I smiled and stepped inside. I let Dan walk around the room, taking in his surroundings.
"It's very pretty, Phil," Dan whispered under his breath. He moved his gaze around the room, letting his eyes fell on the mixture of his and my stuff.
"And now the best part." I smiled and grabbed his hand, gently dragging him with me. "Close your eyes."
"Oh god, is it one of those surprises…" Dad mumbled tensely. But he did as he was told.
I guided him through the hallway and entered the lounge.
"No peeking."
"I'm not," he giggled.
I let go of his hand to make sure the card and bottle of champagne was standing straight on the table. It wasn't really anything special, but it had to seem like it was.
"Open," I said happily.
He slowly opened one eye and stared confusedly at me. "Have you been hiding a card from me?" He grinned.
"Both yes and no. I think you should read it before you draw conclusions." I smiled and handed it to him.
I watched him as he opened the card and started to read. I stood still opposite of him.
Everything about this felt right. I'd finally cleared up my thoughts and decided that taking Dan with me would give me more joyous, amazing moments than sad and worrying ones.
I'd been offered the most amazing job in a coffee shop down the road right at the time when we determined that we would be moving back. A family friend of ours owned the place and me and his son Chris grew up together, so that would be perfect.
Dan couldn't have a normal job. Or maybe he could—no one really knew—but I wouldn't pressure him. His parents had agreed to help me with the rent, so it wasn't that big of a problem. I would've been living in this apartment anyway, with or without Dan. What mattered was that he did what he thought he could handle.
Dan -
"Did you do all this for me?" I whispered once I was done reading Phil's card.
"Well, It only took me an hour…" Phil smiled and took a step closer towards me.
"But still," I mumbled shyly. "The other thing is that I just can't believe they want me in."
"I made a few calls and they wanted to see you. I told them you weren't in the city, so I showed them some of the videos I've taken of you throughout the years. They were very positive about it, so we're going tomorrow. I mean, if you want of course…"
"Of course I want!" I burst out excitedly. "But… did you tell them about my heart?" I asked, nervous.
"Yes I did. It wasn't a problem. They would take it into account, don't worry about that," he assured me and pressed his forehead against mine.
"Thanks…" I breathed out in relief. I didn't like telling people about it because I was afraid they might look at me differently. So it was always nice getting it out of the way before I went places, even though I felt bad for Phil because he had to explain everything all the time. I was old enough to be independent.
"No problem." He smiled. "I just couldn't bear the thought of you sitting here alone all day while I was at work. Now you have something to do too!" he said cheerfully. "Of course it won't be every day, but now you have something to wake up for." Phil locked his fingers together on my back and pulled me closer. "And I'll have something to look forward to if you're lucky enough to get in a play."
"If that happens…"
"Of course it will! You're an amazing actor, Dan. The guy I talked to at the theater was very happy and positive about you. I'm sure you'll do great."
I giggled shyly in response and looked down. "And what's the champagne for? I'm not allowed to drink…"
"Well, who's in charge now?" Phil whispered, lifting up my chin.
"You?" I answered with a smirk.
"Yes. And I thought we should celebrate all this." Phil released me and turned around. "And maybe we could watch a movie or something. If you're up for it." He smiled and poured the champagne into the glasses before handing me one.
"Sounds like something I would enjoy."
Phil picked up our duvets from the bedroom and we made ourselves comfortable on the couch, my head resting in Phil's lab while he lazily ran his fingers through my hair.
But after an hour or two, my eyelids started to drop and it became harder to stay awake. I soon had to give in and let them stay closed.
I sat up and tiredly looked around at my surroundings until my eyes landed on Phil next to me. He was fast asleep, curled up underneath his covers. I didn't remember getting to bed so I didn't know how I ended up here.
I lay back down again and took a few deep breaths in an attempt to wake up properly. But it was just making my head spin slightly, so I closed my eyes back together and stayed completely still, not liking this feeling at all.
After a few minutes, Phil started moving beside me, stretching his arms above his head while groaning quietly.
"What time is it?" I asked.
I felt Phil jump slightly, clearly not aware that I was already awake. "Uhm, eight."
"I'm an hour late with the pills then…" I muttered, still with closed eyes as my head was still spinning.
"Oh yeah." Phil swung his duvet off and got to stand beside me bed. "I'll make some breakfast."
"I've thought about moving the times because it's highly unlikely that we're going to wake up at seven or eat at six if I know us, Phil. That's never going to happen."
"Yeah, that might be a good idea. What times were you thinking?" he asked, walking around the bed.
"I don't know. Nine in the morning and eight in the evening?" I suggested. But of course I was the one to make the final choice.
"Yeah." I could hear Phil's voice getting closer and before I got the chance to see what he was doing I felt his hand being laid on my forehead.
"Everything okay?"
I slowly nodded against his hand and opened one eye to look at him. He was wearing his glasses and it always made me happy for some reason, so I couldn't help but smile a little. "I'm fine. Just need a minute to wake up," I assured him.
"I'll be in the kitchen," he whispered back down to me before walking out.
After a few minutes, I got up and followed Phil to the kitchen.
"We're leaving for the theater at eleven. Just so you know." Phil smiled and pushed a bowl of cereal across the breakfast bar in our kitchen.
"You're not going to work today?" I asked.
"No. I start tomorrow."
"Okay." I nodded and started eating. I still didn't have any appetite and it was actually starting to worry me. My head was still spinning and I felt a bit nauseous. This definitely wasn't normal and I knew I had to tell Phil, but I wanted to get this theater thing out of the way first.
After drowning all the pills together with the cereal, I stood up to help Phil clean up. The movements only made my head spin more violently and I felt light-headed. My heartbeat rose slightly and dark spots were blocking my vision.
I let out a struggling whimper in an attempt to form words, but failed. I grabbed tightly onto the countertop to keep my balance, resulting in the bowl crashing to the floor into a hundred pieces.
This made Phil turn around and his eyes quickly caught mine before everything became distant.
A/N: Please continue! ^^