I'll heal the hole in your heart chapter 8
Summary about chapter 7: (They're 18 years old) Dan wakes up in hospital, not knowing what happened. Phil tries to calm him down.
Words: 4.536
Dan -
I woke up in a mix of confusion and fear, not knowing where I was or how I'd ended up here. When I opened my eyes, they automatically focused on the unfamiliar white ceiling. I blinked up at it, disorientated.
As I became more awake, I felt cold air hitting my chest and it only made me more confused. I looked down at myself, as best I could, and saw that my whole body was attached to different machines standing beside the bed. A blanket was covering from my hips down, but I was naked from the waist up.
"Phil?" I asked nervously and tried to sit up a little. Only then I realised that an oxygen mask was wrapped around my head and there were IVs in both of my hands: one with salt water— the other with blood.
I stopped my movements and closed my eyelids tightly together, not wanting to look at it.
"No…" I breathed out and took a few deep breaths. I was in a hospital and I had no idea how or why.
"Dan," I head Phil sigh. "Hey." He smiled caringly and hovered over my head so he could look down at me.
"W-what happened?" I asked through the oxygen mask, struggling to form words after just waking up in an unknown place.
"You passed out," he informed me. His face was tense as he looked me over carefully. "So I called an ambulance, and now you're in hospital."
Panic rose within me. I remembered having breakfast… and then nothing else until now.
"W-why?" I asked shakily, shifting around on the uncomfortable bed. I felt fine so I didn't understand what was going on.
"Your blood count was low," Phil whispered
"But—" I started, without knowing where I was going with this conversation.
"Hey, calm down. Nothing serious. Just low blood count. Nothing else," Phil tried. "They checked everything while you were out. It looks... fine." He sighed sadly. "Well, as fine as it gets."
He smiled calmly now, but I knew he'd probably freaked out when we were at home alone. "It was just a big shock you gave me there," Phil said.
I nodded at his explanation and pressed myself hard against the pillow, eyes shut tightly together. I hated getting blood. It always made me feel sick and uncomfortable. It was someone else's blood, flowing into my veins. It helped, yes. But I didn't like it.
"Please make me think of something else. Or else I'm going to be sick," I mumbled through clenched teeth.
"We missed the appointment at the theater," Phil quickly told me, and sat down on a chair beside the bed.
"No…" I whined. I had completely forgotten about that. This wasn't how I thought our first day in the new apartment would turn out. Everything was supposed to be perfect. But instead I was stuck in hospital, again, ruining everything.
"Don't feel bad about it, Dan. I called them—we'll go tomorrow if you're better. It wasn't a problem," Phil tried, seeming to regret his choice of conversation once he saw how I reacted.
"Why is this always happening?" I cried out, opening my eyes back up. In pure frustration, I pulled off the oxygen mask, quickly followed by the wires attached to my chest, which caused the machine next to me to make some warning noises. This was probably a bad idea, as I knew a lot of doctors would come rushing in any second now to see why the monitor was disconnected.
I didn't care. I wanted to get out of this bed, out of this hospital—away. But I wouldn't be able to make it far as both of my hands were still being used to fill me with life-supporting liquids. I stared at them angrily and got the indescribable urge to scream. This wasn't a life.
"I don't want to do this anymore, Phil!" I spat into his face, holding my hands out in front of him.
He stayed quiet and kept staring at me calmly. He sighed softly and leaned a little closer towards me on his chair like he was going to say something.
I desperately fumbled with the tubes in my hands, trying somehow to get them off, not really knowing what I was doing. But I was sick of this. I was sick of hospitals and doctors. Sick of medication and white sheets. I just wanted to go home.
A few doctors came running into the room and it just made me cry harder until I had a headache too. Phil quickly stood up and tried to push them back out of the room.
After a couple of failed attempts, I managed to get the hose with the saltwater disconnected from me. It was hard to see what I was doing through my blurry vision, but I wanted nothing more than to just escape.
Phil stumbled back into the room, alone, and hurriedly closed the distance between us.
"Don't touch that," he told me simply. He grabbed a hold of both of my wrists, forcing my hands down and apart.
I tried to focus up at him, but my sight was completely blurry by now.
"Relax, please," he tried while pressing my hands against the mattress, still being careful that he didn't cause any more damage to the IVs.
"I don't want to be here, Ph-Phil..." I sobbed, trying to release myself from his grip. But Phil was a lot stronger than me.
"I know. But you have to."
"Le-let me g-go," I cried and kept moving around beneath him, doing my best to get loose. All this struggling made my chest feel tight and my breathing sped up along with my heart rate. My brain was screaming at me to stop my actions. This was pointless and I knew it. But I'd had enough.
"When you stay still, I'll let go." Phil stayed completely calm, not letting go even though I tried kicking him so he would release me. I normally wouldn't react like this, but it was too much. I'd wanted to start a real life, but once again it'd ended up with me in a white bed.
After another five minutes, my body gave up and I went limp against the pillows, crying silently from pure exhaustion and frustration. Phil kept holding me down, making sure I wouldn't attack the other IV.
Phil -
Dan stopped moving and started crying properly instead. I kept holding him so I was sure he wouldn't move anymore or try to get away or whatever he was doing.
It was wrong of me to think like that because I knew exactly what he was doing. And it was hurting me seeing him like this, but there was nothing I could do about it. I wanted to just let him freak out if that was what he needed, but when he started to pull at the hoses, someone had to stop him.
This wasn't fair; he didn't deserve this. Nobody deserved this. I understood why he was reacting like this and I wanted nothing else for him than to let him kick out his frustration.
I slowly let go of him and watched his reaction. Dan instantly threw his hands to his face and cried into his palms while his whole body was trembling slightly. It gave me the opportunity to get a proper look at the back of his hands. I could see he had pulled a little in the needle in his right hand when he'd tried to disconnect the hose because there were small spots of blood on the bandage that was wrapped around his hand.
Without really knowing what do to or what he wanted me to do, I slowly wrapped his blanket back around him the best I could. He was only in his boxers, so I was afraid he might get cold.
I sighed softly and sat down on the chair, just watching him calm down for a few seconds. One of the nurses poked her head inside and I nodded towards her, letting her know that it was okay.
A bunch of doctors running around was definitely not something Dan needed at the moment, and I knew he was okay, so I told them to stay outside until he was ready. Of course they would come running since the machine had suddenly stopped when he had pulled the wires off.
Dan stayed crying silently on the bed while the nurse and I both looked at him. I wanted to comfort him, but when he was like this I didn't think that was what he needed. It should be in his own pace.
The nurse made a sign to me that she needed to look at Dan's hand. I nodded in understanding and rose from the chair to help her.
Being as careful as I possibly could, I slowly lifted Dan's hand away from his face.
"We're just looking at it," I assured him as I gently moved his messy hair out of his eyes, touching softly as I did.
"Take me h-home, Ph-Phil."
"I will." I smiled a little nervous smile towards him. "Just not now."
"When?" he sniffed sadly and placed his free hand on his bare chest.
"When we're done here," I whispered. I interlocked my fingers together with his and slowly ran my thumb across his skin without touching the IV. "When we've made sure you're okay, we'll go home." I lowered my chin a little, making sure he understood what I was telling him.
"Make it now!" he sobbed and threw his head back against the mattress. "I don't want to be h-here."
I gave the nurse a quick, helpless glance, not knowing what to do about this.
I wanted to fulfill his request and take him home, but of course I couldn't just do that. He didn't normally pass out like that so we had to make sure he was completely okay before we could go anywhere.
"Dan, listen to me," I started softly and moved around in my chair, getting closer to him. "Nothing is happening, okay? You're getting some blood and some oxygen and then we'll leave. Nothing else." I spoke in a hushed tone, knowing my words were pointless.
The reality was slowly getting to me. I could choose when I wanted to be around before, now I had no choice. His mum would usually deal with stuff like this, and I would come in later to make it better. I was with him all the time before, but I still had the freedom to leave. I would have to stay with him through it all now.
"I-I hate this…" he choked.
"I know. But we'll be out of here sooner than you think. "
"Go away, Phil," Dan muttered into his hands as I walked closer.
"I'm having my break now so I thought we could talk." I slowly pushed a cup of hot chocolate across the table. It was my first day at work and I was both excited and stressed out because of what had happened to Dan yesterday. It came as a shook and I would have preferred to take the day off, just staying home with him. But missing my day wasn't really an option, so I decided to take him with me instead, much to Dan's dismay. It made him feel like a sick child coming with his dad to work because he couldn't stay home by himself. Of course it was nothing like that. I was just so nervous, and I wanted to keep an eye on him just for a day or two.
"About what?" he snapped, still without looking at me.
I sighed softly and sat down opposite of him. "Something you wanna talk about?" I asked back, hoping to get him in a better mood. He'd been snapping at me ever since we came back from the hospital. I understood that it was frustrating, but I was getting quite tired of his behaviour towards me.
"No…" he groaned.
"Could you stop being so rude?" I breathed out tensely and slammed my cup unto the table, hard enough for some to spill out.
Dan threw his head up and glared back on me. "I'm not rude! I'm just…" But he trailed off, breathing heavily.
"I don't want to be here. Can I please go home?" he tried.
"No," I answered simply. "You can't."
"Why?"
"Because I say so," I said determinedly and locked my gaze with his in an attempt to make my statement clear.
"You're not my mum," he spat back while sitting up properly in his seat.
"You're right, I'm not. But I make the decisions anyway. And you're staying here."
"You should just have left me on the fucking floor..." he muttered under his breath, crossing his arms over his chest.
"What did you say?" I asked quietly through clenched teeth, feeling anger rise in me. I'd heard him, but I couldn't believe what he was saying.
"You should have left me on the floor! Is this how it's gonna be every day? Me coming with you to work so I can just sit here, staring at the air?"
"Shut up, Dan," I whispered harshly. "Shut the fuck up." I knew he didn't mean what he was saying, and it still made me angry, but more than that, it made me sad. I wasn't doing this without a reason.
"How do you think I feel about this, huh? Do you really think I'd just leave you home alone after yesterday? You ended up in fucking hospital, Daniel! I haven't slept all night because of this. Do you even understand what I'm going through with this?" I paused, waiting for an answer. But my sudden eruption had clearly shocked him. He froze completely still in his seat, his arms placed on the table in front of him, not daring to move.
"Do you?!" I spat into his face, leaning closer.
"I… Ye—" But no proper words came out.
"I believe you do. But can you then please show it and stop being so ungrateful! Should I just have left you on the floor? I didn't know what was wrong with you! You could've had a heart attack, you idiot!"
I was yelling now and my eyes were starting to burn. "You can walk, you can see, you can breathe. You have a roof over your head and food on the table, which I pay for, by the way. You have people around you who love you and care about you. You get all the help you need, for free. So stop moaning about your life and drink your cocoa. Which I paid for too!" I quickly rose from my chair to stand beside him instead.
I went on, "And for your information—no, it's not going to be like this every day. But the days I say it's like this, then it's like this. And you'll just be staying put on your ass wherever I tell you."
I turned around, dried my eyes, and walked with heavy steps back to the desk, not looking back.
Dan -
We were slowly walking down the road, me a little behind Phil. The weather matched my mood—all gray and foggy. I hadn't caught the weather yesterday because I was locked inside, but I guessed it'd been about the same. It was usually nice going outside, even in grey weather, because I liked the fresh air. But today seemed so different. This time it was making me more sad than happy.
I wanted to go back home, stay in my bed, and hide from the world. Hide from Phil. At least for a little while so things could get back to normal.
For the first time in seven years, Phil's company felt uncomfortable. I wanted to take a step back instead of taking a step forward. It was an odd feeling and I didn't like it.
I nervously followed Phil through the door and inside the theater. I still hadn't spoken to him after he'd yelled at me in the coffee shop. I wanted to apologize, or just do something.
Suddenly, I didn't want to do this anymore. The situation was too tense for my liking. This was Phil's birthday present to me and it wasn't at all how I pictured it. It felt somehow wrong.
"I-I need to use the toilet," I stuttered, glancing around to find the nearest bathroom. Once I spotted it, I stared walking fast so that Phil wouldn't follow.
I had been so excited to move here—too excited to pay attention to my life. I'd felt almost normal for once. The episode yesterday was like being hit in the face with the reality again. My future was unpredictable. Anything could happen. I was stupid and naive to think that this would go well—that I could get the chance to do theater. This wasn't school; they couldn't just make things fit for everyone.
"Dan?" I heard Phil ask through the door, followed by a few knocks. "What are you doing?"
I'd been sitting on top of the toilet seat probably longer than I'd intended to, lost in my own thoughts.
"Nothing…" I answered in a small voice.
"I'm sorry I yelled at you. I shouldn't have, I—" Phil started nervously.
"It's okay," I interrupted. "It's my own fault. I was ungrateful, like you said," I sighed.
"You weren't. You have every right in the world to be ungrateful. So many things have been taken from you and—"
I slowly opened the door. "I do not," I whispered. "I have every reason to be happy. People have it a lot worse."
"You can't compare your problems to others, Dan. No matter what they are. That isn't how it works." Phil's tone was serious and he shook his head at me. "It doesn't make your problems less serious or less important to compare them to other people's struggles," he assured me. "And it was wrong of me to talk like that, knowing how hard it is for you."
I nodded slowly. Not because I agreed with him, but because I didn't know how else to react.
"I was just so tired and everything was being thrown at me all at once. With you and the job.. It was just too much at one time. I didn't mean what I said." He sighed softly while looking me over.
"M-me neither," I stuttered in response.
We were standing still, just staring at each other.
"This wasn't how I expected things to be," I whispered to the floor.
I watched Phil's feet take one big step towards me. He slowly lifted up my chin and locked his gaze with mine.
"Things are never as you expect, Dan. I can assure you that." He smiled. "Sometimes good things happen, sometimes bad things happen… But sometimes the unexpected things are the best things," he whispered with a wide smile, and I knew he was referring to me.
"Sometimes they come smashing into your life and make it better," I whispered back, blushing slightly.
"Yes they do." Phil grinned and took a final step closer. "And more exciting."
"Maybe a little too exciting sometimes," I breathed out. After a moment, I muttered, "Do you think things happen for a reason?"
"Depends on how you look at it," he answered simply.
"Like… that I'm not meant to be doing this?" I wrinkled my forehead slightly, blinking up at him.
"Do you want to do this?" Phil asked.
"Yes…"
"Then what's the problem? I believe people's choices happen for a reason. No matter what kind of things are going on."
"You can't say that," I mumbled, confused.
"Why?" He smiled. "Things don't happen for a reason, Dan. Choices happen for a reason. It's what we choose to do that matters."
"I choose not to be ill then."
"That's not how I meant it," he sighed. "You didn't get the choice, did you? When I walked into the school on my first day, back when we were 11, I didn't think I would get anything out of it. I was about to go play football with our classmates but I chose to be with you, even though I didn't know you or had spoken to you. And look where we are now." Phil walked backwards while holding out his arms. "That was a good choice, wasn't it?"
I nodded shyly.
"It was just a bad day yesterday, but it's fixed now," he assured. He stepped back to me, grabbing around my left wrist to hold my hand the way he liked best. "No more thinking—just acting, okay? Make your choice, Dan."
"You can call me PJ," the man in front of me greeted. He violently shook my hand, making my whole torso move. PJ was just as tall as I was, with brown curly hair. It looked a bit like my hair in the morning and I couldn't help but smile towards him. He was probably a few years older than me, but I could be wrong. He seemed nice at least.
"Hello. You can call me Dan," I responded with a smile.
"Hello Dan! I've been looking forward to meet you, actually. Your friend here had been talking a lot about you during his last visit." PJ nodded in Phil's direction.
My cheeks flushed red and I quickly moved my eyes to the floor. "Good things, I hope?" I muttered, just waiting for my condition to be mentioned.
"Only good things!" PJ assured happily.
He wasn't as frightening as I'd thought, so I slowly started loosening up, feeling more comfortable about the whole situation.
"Follow me and I'll show you around," PJ informed us, and started walking.
We walked with him down one of the corridors. The place looked really old; the walls were covered in paintings and the carpet on the floor was light brown, almost yellow. It almost looked like the inside of an old castle.
My eyes were glued to the walls until we reached a big hall with a stage at the other end.
"This is where the magic happens." PJ smiled and waved his arm through the air in front of himself.
It was a lot bigger than the school theater, of course. The stage was a lot more beautiful and detailed, with proper lighting over it.
"Perfect," I breathed. I gazed around on my surroundings, trying to adjust to all the new impressions I was getting. It was indeed a beautiful place and I was overwhelmed by its appearance. This was not at all how I'd expected it to look like. I was expecting something like the school theater, but this was on a whole other level.
"Can I ask you something?" I started nervously, letting my eyes fall on PJ.
"Of course."
"What do you do around here? I mean, Phil hasn't told me much… How is this running and what kinds of things do you do?" I asked curiously.
"I'm the director slash script writer slash the person you have to talk to if something's wrong or you have questions," he informed me. "We're funded by the city of Manchester. We do professional plays too, where people pay to come watch. Sometimes we play for schools and other institutions." He smiled widely towards me.
"He doesn't need a real job. It's more to get him out of the house," Phil interrupted.
"Yeah, you told me that." PJ nodded in understanding. "But we'll see how things turn out. If you're ready, I'd like to see you on stage now."
I quickly moved my eyes from Phil and back on PJ.
"Just for a short bit—don't worry," PJ added when he saw my reaction. He stretched out his hand to show the way.
Phil nodded happily and gestured that I should follow. "I'll wait here," he said with a smile.
I took a deep breath and followed PJ down the rows of red-covered seats, giving Phil a quick glance as we walked behind the stage.
"This is how we do it," he began, looking me over carefully. "I'll start on a line and you'll just say whatever comes in mind. Don't think. Theater is not about thinking—it's about feeling. How you handle this doesn't change anything. Relax—it's just for fun. I can see that you're a little nervous about the situation."
I nodded slowly and backed up on the stage so my eyes were constantly fixed on PJ.
"Don't be," he assured, and followed me across the floor. "I've seen you on video, so I'm just curious…"
I looked down at Phil, but it was hard spotting him through the lighting even though he was the only one there besides me and PJ.
"How are you today?" PJ started suddenly.
I stared at him for a second, a bit confused, not really knowing what he was expecting.
"I'm... fine?" I tried. PJ kept smiling at me while nodding, showing that he wanted me to keep going. And it slowly hit me what he was trying to do. He was making me lie. I knew that he knew about my condition. He was trying to make me act like nothing was wrong. A thing I'd wanted all my life.
"But yesterday was better…" I grinned and took a big step backwards.
As time went on, I started loosening up and got more relaxed. It came natural to me, especially this kind of topic. This was how I'd want to explain my life if I had the choice.
Acting had been a big part—or maybe the only part of my life actually—that I really cared about and felt free doing. I could be whatever I wanted to be. Pretend to be someone else and really believe in it in that moment. It was a push out of reality and into a whole other world.
It was like I was stuck in between having a normal life and being confined to a bed. But with acting, I could choose for myself.
I quickly moved my gaze out to the side of the stage, seeking comfort. But suddenly, I became aware that this was the first time I was acting with Phil sitting in the audience rather than standing behind the curtain.
I had always wanted to save this moment for something special, or a really big play that I could be proud of. But I guessed this moment was special too, even though we were the only three around.
"That was really good, Dan. Convincing at least…" PJ smiled caringly. " And that's important!" He started giggling as he stepped towards me. "If you're up for it, you can stay."
"Of course." I smiled, feeling my heart flutter in my chest with excitement and relief.
"That was very good, Dan!" I heard Phil cheer from behind me.
I turned around. "Thank you," I breathed out with a smile. Then, whispering for only Phil to hear, I added, "He didn't even mention it."
"Because it doesn't matter," Phil whispered back and pulled me into a tight hug.
A/N: Please continue! ^^