I'll heal the hole in your heart chapter 9
Summary about chapter 9: (They're 18 years old) Dan and Phil have been living in Manchester for a few months now and are finally trying to start a normal life together.
Words: 3.622
Phil -
It was the third morning in a row that I'd woken up to an empty bed—the third morning in a row that there'd been a note on the breakfast bar, telling me that Dan had taken all of his pills and measured his blood pressure like he was supposed to, leaving me all the numbers so I could see that everything was alright. Then that was followed by a detailed explanation of what he'd had for breakfast, assuring me that he'd eaten at least two pieces of fruit with his Cheerios (even though I could plainly see he'd had Nutella on something because the jar was left open on the counter and it was definitely not me).
It made me smile to see that he was taking care of himself, but I still had mixed feeling about this. Maybe it was silly of me, because I knew that if something were ever wrong, he would wake me up, but I liked waking up with him so I could make sure he was okay by looking at him with my own eyes.
I had no clue what he was doing either. I'd tried asking him about it over dinner, but he'd only responded with, "It's a secret. You'll see soon enough". And then he'd just looked away with this weird smirk on his face, which made me question everything even more.
Of course, I knew some of what was going on, since I'd called PJ at the theatre to check if he was there. PJ had promised me that he wouldn't tell that I'd called, but he understood that I had to know where Dan was if something were to happen.
"Are you calling again?" I could hear the grin in PJ's voice through the phone.
"Of course." I smiled to myself as I poured some milk into my coffee. "Is he in?"
"He is. Don't worry."
"What's he doing?" I asked inquisitively, sure I would get the same answer as yesterday and the day before that.
"I'm not allowed to tell you…"
"Well… It was worth a try." I sighed. "Does he look alright? Sorry, I haven't really seen him much lately."
"I'm not an expert like you, but he looks okay to me."
"Okay, I'm glad." I was happy Dan could be doing something by himself. It was what I'd always wanted for him—to be independent and start a life of his own. It was what his parents wanted too, and it was the main reason they'd given him permission to come live with me.
But it also made me nervous whenever he wasn't around: like now. He'd always been around—either at school or at home with me—and if he wasn't, I could be sure that his mum would be looking after him. Now we were two different places and I couldn't keep an eye on him all the time. Not that is was needed, really, because PJ was highly informed about everything, but it still made me relax more knowing he was beside me.
"Anything else?" PJ asked.
"No. No, it's good. Thanks."
We eventually hung up so I could get ready to go to work. Not that I really wanted to, as it was so cold outside. Winter would be here soon, which meant Christmas, so at least one good thing would come from this cold.
"T-turn on the h-hot water, Chr-Chris. Need C-coffee, pl-please," I stuttered as I stepped inside the shop, my cheeks flushed red and my vision slightly blurry from the cold air.
"Whoa, Phil. Did you fall in the lake or something?"
"I-it's raining. And I'm fucking f-freezing," I complained, throwing my soaked jacket over a nearby chair.
"Where's Dan?"
"On a secret mission, I think." I kept shuffling around, trying to get all my limbs working again.
"Like a secret agent? Exciting." He grinned and handed me the steaming hot cup of coffee.
"Yeah, who knows? Maybe he's out saving someone," I giggled back. "But why do you ask?"
"Just because he's not with you now and hasn't been for weeks, so I was just wondering where you'd put him." He smiled and took a sip of his own coffee.
"He's with PJ at the theatre. And he put himself there—I have nothing to do with it," I assured him. I wrinkled my forehead slightly at his expression. He looked like someone who knew more than he should. "Do you have something to do with it?"
"No." He grinned.
"Have you been talking to Dan?" I asked curiously. I was finally able to feel my body again, and I took a step closer.
"No I haven't, I swear."
"You're all such bad liars." I playfully nudged Chris' shoulder as I walked past him to get my apron.
"Are you home?" I called through the hallway as I stepped inside our flat after a quite hectic day at work. It was getting colder and colder, which meant that the demand for hot drinks was increasing.
I looked around curiously to find Dan's shoes parked beside his jacket—which was thrown on the floor—so I figured that he must be here somewhere.
"Dan?" I called again. I threw all my stuff next to his before I started searching the house, starting with the lounge, obviously, since light was coming from there. Once I got closer, I could hear the television was on.
"Hmm?" was the only reply I got. I entered to find Dan half-asleep on the sofa.
"Good day?" I asked, stepping a little closer.
"Long day…" he answered simply.
"Yeah, same." I lifted up his blanket-covered legs and made some space on the sofa for me to sit before placing them back down on my lap. He was like a doll in my arms, not protesting any of the movements from pure exhaustion.
A smile spread across his face as he peeked one eye open so he could look at me. "What are you doing?" he asked, nuzzling his body further into the cushions.
"You're cold," I answered in a subdued tone, continuing to stroke his feet gently.
"No I'm not." He opened his other eye too so he could get a better look at me.
"Well, your feet felt cold. And now I'm making it better."
"But it tickles…" Dan sleepily complained, but clearly didn't have enough energy to pull away. "And your hands are cold too, so how is this supposed to be helpful again?"
"Always problems with you…" I sighed, dragging my fingers slowly across the bottoms of his feet.
"Yes. I'm basically a breathing problem," Dan confirmed, laughing. Quiet fell over the room and I stopped teasing him, knowing that he wouldn't protest anyway since most of his energy for the day had run out already.
After a few attempts, I managed to create enough friction to generate heat and warm up my frozen hands as well as Dan's feet. His humming followed my fingers' rhythm. I'd have to stop soon or I would probably lose him for the night. From what I could see, he was already halfway to dreamland.
"So, what are you hiding from me?" I began in a whispering voice, not really wanting to ruin the peaceful silence.
"Hmm, not telling you…" Dan smiled back, half-asleep. I wanted to know, partly because I was curious, but mostly because I wanted to know what Dan was doing to himself. He knew all too well how to deal with his own condition; he knew how much he could handle. But still…
It was obvious that it was something for me because of the fact that he wanted to keep it such a big secret. I wanted to know how anything involving me could be so important that he had to wake up early to get out of the house.
"Just a little hint?" I tried again.
Dan opened both of his eyes back up and gazed at mine. "Will you shut up then?" he giggled.
"I promise."
"You'll like it," Dan said simply.
"That's my answer?" I jokingly complained. "You're so stupid. I hate you." I let go off his feet to cross my arms against my chest defiantly.
"And you're too easy." Dan laughed while nudging at my elbow with his foot. "It's a surprise. It wouldn't be a surprise if I told you, now would it?" he asked, continuing to poke me with his foot.
"No…" I sighed. I gave up. I just had to trust him enough to believe that he wasn't doing anything he couldn't handle.
"Thanks."
I lifted my gaze from my lap so I could get a better look at him, only to catch him in a wide yawn, rubbing his eyes in a fruitless attempt to be more awake.
"Are you just totally done for today?" I asked as I stood up.
"Hm," was the only answer I got. I knelt down beside the sofa so I could watch him closer. Besides being tired, he looked completely fine, so I guessed nothing was wrong. But I could never really know, and that made me nervous.
I sat fully down on the floor and rested my head in my hands while my elbows were placed on the edge on the edge of the cushion as I carefully looked him over one more time.
"What are you doing?" Dan asked me. He turned around on the small sofa to face me.
"Staring at you?" I offered, still smiling a little.
"And why are you doing that, if I may ask?" He giggled quietly.
"Because you look… cute?" I made it sound more like a question, without any intention to do so. "You look cute when you're tired or sleeping," I continued shyly. And that was both a truth and a lie.
Watching him sleep at home, on the sofa, or in our bed, was one of the best views I could imagine. He looked so peaceful, with all his normal problems washed away. He didn't have to worry about anything. He didn't have to think about anything. He was just in his own little world, and he could make it however he wanted. Often, he'd go to bed before I would, so I'd get to experience this sight a lot. It always made me happy.
But watching him sleep in a hospital bed was a whole other thing. I hated it. The thought of him possibly never waking up again was constantly there in the back of my mind. Seeing him hooked up to all those machines with different tubes filling him with liquids… It was the scariest thing I could think of. It was a reminder that he might never wake up again, that his heart would give out. That I might never get the chance to stare into those beautiful deep, dark-brown eyes, never hear his voice or laugher again, never be able to hold him close and tell him that everything would be alright when he was scared. The day would come, of course… but I wasn't ready for that yet.
"You're kinda creepy sometimes, you know that?" he giggled. Dan was aware of my staring since he often caught me doing it when he suddenly woke up.
"It's not for nothing that they call me Creepy Phil."
"Who the hell calls you Creepy Phil? Never in my entire life have I ever heard anyone say that."
"Well you have now," I responded, giggling.
"Okay then. I guess…" As he spoke, he drew his eyebrows together, looking slightly like a question mark. "But yeah, I'm done for today, I'm sorry," he breathed out.
"We haven't even had dinner yet…" I said, ever so slowly stroking my fingers through his hair.
He only groaned in reply, clearly not having enough energy to think about food at the moment. "Can't we just stay here? I'm too tired for that and I want to cuddle…"
"You have to eat something and then we can cuddle afterwards," I assured him. "Now, up."
"No," he complained, turning around to face the other way.
"You're such an lazy ass, Daniel Howell." I grinned and tried my best to wrap my arms around him. I guess we had time to stay here for a little while before it got too late.
"Am not." He laughed quietly and nuzzled himself into my touch.
"Oh you aren't?" I wrapped my arms fully around his body to pull him up in an almost sitting position, making it possible for me to slip in beside him on the small space. I turned us both around, me lying with my back pressed against the cushions and Dan pressed tightly against my chest so he wouldn't fall down on the floor.
"No. I'm highly active, not wasting any time…" He muttered sheepishly, and pressed himself further into my chest.
"Yeah, I can tell." I buried my head in the back of his neck and gently placed a soft kiss on his skin. His breathing turned heavier the more I kissed and I had to stop even though I didn't want to or else he would probably fall asleep in seconds.
"How about we order something instead?" I suggested in a low voice.
"That's the best idea you've had all day, if you ask me…" It was almost impossible to understand him by now—he sounded almost drunk.
"Glad you like my way of thinking." I smiled to myself and squeezed him quickly.
Dan -
It was still dark outside when I tried to release myself from my castle of duvets and pillows without waking up Phil, who was still fast asleep beside me. Being as quiet as I could, I moved from the bed to stand on the floor. I held my breath, carefully trying not to make any sound that would wake him up.
It was all part of the plan—letting him sleep longer. I wanted to show him that I was capable of controlling my own life and I didn't need help with everything. I could wake up by myself, take my medication, and make myself breakfast. I didn't need him to do everything for me. It was the whole reason I came with him, wasn't it? To handle things by myself.
I tiptoed out of our bedroom and into the spare room to find some comfortable clothes to wear. It was freezing and dark outside—I could tell even though I was inside. I got cold really easily because of my poor blood circulation due to my heart condition, so I found the biggest hoodie I owned and pulled it over my head. I knew it would be warm where I was going, but I would probably still be freezing. I was freezing now, which meant it would stick with me all day until I got back home and buried myself in blankets and duvets.
My morning ritual was followed by a quick visit to the toilet, fixing my hair up so I wouldn't be looking like an idiot, and brushing my teeth.
And then on to the pills… which was the worst since there were so many. It almost made me sick each morning, just looking at them. There weren't only pills to control my condition, but also different kinds of vitamins and supplements.
Surprisingly enough, I wasn't very good at swallowing pills, which was weird as this had been my life for as long as I could remember. There was just something really unpleasant about it that I had never been able to get over.
I lined them all up in front of me, sighing at the sight. But it had to be done, no matter how long I dragged it out. Holding a big glass of water in my left hand, I picked up the first one to swallow it, and quickly followed it with another.
I had to stop halfway though to catch my breath or else I would probably throw them all up again. And that would for sure wake Phil up.
After eating enough food to get my stomach under control, I wrote Phil a long note to let him know that everything was okay. Now I just had to leave the house before he would wake up. The sun was already rising outside, so I knew it wouldn't be long.
"Morning, Howell." PJ smiled once I was finally inside the theatre. "It just gets earlier and earlier… Sure you couldn't sleep in just one day?"
"No. I want to make this perfect." I smiled and unzipped my jacket.
"It already is perfect. The others aren't even in yet." He chuckled while helping me out of my clothes.
"Then I can practise the dance first." I smiled happily.
"As you wish."
I followed PJ down the corridor towards the theatre hall. Everything was totally quiet, as we were the only one around. Maybe I'd arrived a little too early this morning. But I was so excited about this. Everything had to be perfect—I couldn't fail.
After being in a few small plays over the last couple of months, PJ had given me the main role in a big play where real people would be paying real money to come watch. Phil didn't know anything about it. Of course, he had already guessed that I was at the theatre because where else should I be if I wasn't with him in the shop or at home? But I'd got the main role, so I wanted this to be a surprise for Phil. I was both nervous and extremely excited.
I had big plans for this. I would invite him to the premiere where he'd get the chance to be sat in the best seat, and then afterwards as we would eat a really fancy dinner together. I had been planning this for weeks, and now that the day was fast approaching, I spent all my free time on the stage, practising everything over and over.
The play would include a dance number, and I did my best to keep up with all the choreography, but it was hard, as I got breathless really easily. It wasn't a very exhausting dance at all—mostly just a lot of stepping around elegantly—but it was a lot to remember, and hard to do multiple times in a row.
I couldn't wait to show it to Phil. This was something I was really proud of doing and I wanted him to be proud of me too. I wanted to show him something that I'd done by myself. PJ wouldn't have offered me the role if he didn't think I could do it, so I felt honoured that he'd wanted me in.
"Lift your arms a bit more like this." He demonstrated by lifting his arms up above his head. I followed his instructions and did the same. "Lower them again. Slowly." He smiled. "Remember your feet."
I looked down and quickly got in the proper position.
"Then move to your left. Keep your back stiff all the time. Not in that browser position way, Dan." PJ smiled and pushed my spine forward.
"And then you have to go slower here," PJ informed me, and held out a paper with the notes for the melody on it.
"I'll have to go slower with everything…" I breathed out. I collapsed onto the stage floor unsteadily, breathing hard.
"Phil would kill me if he knew I was letting you jump around like that, you know that right?" PJ grinned and sat down in front of me.
"Yeah…" I sighed.
"You sure you can handle it? It's not just the premiere. We have to play it a few more times and—"
"Positive," I interrupted with a nervous smile. "I'm going to be fine. I think."
"You think?" he questioned.
"I could fall and break a leg or something. With that dancing, it might just happen." I giggled.
"You just have to tell me if it's too much, okay? I don't want anything to happen to you."
I nodded slowly. Through the last couple of months we had all become really good friends. PJ now knew pretty much every important thing about me when it came to my condition. It made me feel safer too, especially now that I was in a place without Phil. If something were to happen, PJ would be here and help me. It meant that I could relax some more and just concentrate on improving my acting skills.
Besides that, PJ was also really nice. He was maybe five years other than both me and Phil, but that didn't change anything. He could make us laugh like nobody had ever done before. It was nice having someone new into my life too. It had always just been me and Phil. Phil had had other friends back in our old town, just not enough time to be around them often, as I took nearly all of his time. I got tired pretty easily, so meeting a lot of people had always been hard. PJ was different in a way. He understood me on the same level as Phil, which made me so happy because I now had one more amazing friend.
Of course, I couldn't compare anyone to Phil. No one would ever get the chance to do half as much for me as he'd done.
"Should we go again?" I asked after I'd caught my breath.
"You're sitting the pace, Dan."
"Do you think Phil's gonna like it?" I asked nervously. I avoided making eye contact as I stood up, slightly insecure about his response.
"I think he's absolutely gonna love it, Dan."
A/N: Please continue! ^^