I'll heal the hole in your heart chapter 10
Summary about chapter 10: (They're 18 years old) Dan's having a day off from work and spends it at home. But things don't go as planned...
A/N: This chapter and further on will contain heavy angst!(No major triggers, don't worry.)
Words: 4.001
Dan -
"I forgot for a second that you would be home this morning…" Phil muttered from behind me, still half asleep.
I smiled and rolled over on the bed to face him. "I almost forgot too," I whispered in response. PJ had to go to London today, so everyone at the theatre got a day off. I didn't mind really, since I was so tried anyway. Phil didn't seem to have anything against it either. It was the first time in over a week that we'd been able to wake up together.
Phil, still lazy from just waking up, slowly wrapped his arms around me and pulled me in close so that my forehead was resting against his chest.
"Hmm, I've missed this…" he purred happily.
"I'm sorry for being busy," I mumbled into his shirt.
"I don't mind. I'm just happy you're doing something so I don't feel bad leaving you every morning." He pulled me even closer.
"I'm going to suffocate, Phil," I giggled lightly.
"Worth it." Phil rolled over to lay his back, pulling me with him so that my whole upper body was resting on top of his. "I wish I could stay home all day too…" he sighed with a smile.
"Someone's gotta make the money," I joked before pressing my lips against his, giving him no chance to respond. Phil's lips spread into a wide smile as he began kissing me back.
"You're late with the pills," he breathed out, between soft kisses.
"I know." I smiled back, but quickly got him to shut up by pressing my lips against his again. I knew this moment wouldn't be able to last much longer, but I could at least try to make him stay for a bit.
Phil finally broke the kiss. "Now. Up," he commanded as he tried to push me away from him.
"Just a little longer. Please," I begged sleepily, resting the side of my cheek down on his chest. I smiled at the steady sound of his heartbeat. It was pounding, slow and rhythmic, along with his breathing. I couldn't help but be a bit jealous. Phil was perfect—everything about him was perfect—whereas I was broken. His heart didn't have any trouble; he could run a marathon if he wanted. Of course he was too lazy for that, but he could, and that was the difference between us.
That was what I wanted most—to be able to run wherever I wanted without worrying about my stupid heart. Whenever I'd tell Phil, he'd just laugh and tell me that I'm not missing out on anything really by not being able to run, especially considering I was always able to get out of gym class in school. And part of me would believe him, but a bigger part of me still craved it: being able to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, without limitations. Phil would try to understand, but he could never fully get what it was like to be in my place.
"Are you trying to make me carry you to the kitchen, because we need to get up now, Dan," Phil said, a little more determined this time.
"It's cold…" I sighed and pressed my body further into his.
"You can take your duvet with you into the lounge. You're staying there all day anyway."
"But I'm so comfortable," I complained. But I knew that Phil would probably push me out of the bed before long.
"Get out and I'll wrap you up. How does that sound?"
I groaned loudly in defeat, which only made a silly grin spread across Phil's face as he helped me up.
"And then we take this side around your shoulders…" he explained as he wrapped his warm duvet around me.
"Are you making me into a burrito?" I giggled.
Phil took a big step backwards once we were finally done to get a good look at his work. "No. I'm thinking more penguin, actually," he answered seriously.
"Should I walk like this then?" I turned around and started wriggling across the floor towards the door.
"Exactly like that," Phil laughed. He threw his arms around me from behind and started swaying from side to side along with my movements.
Surprisingly, we made it all the way to the kitchen with Phil still holding onto me. I couldn't wait until the play out of the way and I could wake up to more mornings like this. I'd really missed them. And from the way Phil was acting, he'd obviously missed them too.
"You'll have to get your arms out if you want something to eat," Phil giggled while pouring milk into his coffee.
"But it's cold outside," I groaned and leaned my stomach against the breakfast bar, bending over it slightly. It was lucky that I didn't have to do anything today because I wasn't even in the mood for breakfast. Now I just wished Phil would stay home too.
"Get your arm out so I can take your blood pressure," he commanded, taking a sip of his drink.
I did as I was told and unwillingly pulled my left arm out from under my warm covers. Goosebumps were already appearing on my bare skin as Phil gently wrapped the fabric of the device around my upper arm before pressing start.
I stayed completely still as always, doing my best to make it as accurate as possible.
Phil wrinkled his forehead slightly as he looked over the numbers. "It's a little high," he pointed out. "Stay still, we're gonna do it again."
I sighed softly. This was not the day for high blood pressure.
"It's the same..." he mumbled once the machine was done beeping.
"But I can't feel it," I assured him.
"It's almost fifteen over, Dan. You sure you can't feel it?" Phil lowered his voice and locked his eyes with mine, trying to get the truth out of me. But I wasn't lying.
"I don't feel any difference. Really, Phil. I can't feel anything," I said, shaking my head.
"Hmm…" Phil breathed out, concerned, before turning around. "Take your pills and go lay on the sofa. Then I'll bring you some toast, okay?"
I nodded a reply and started lining up the pills in front of me. As always, it made my stomach turn around just to look at them. Phil knew it all too well, and he gave me caring look.
"You don't have to do it, Phil... I know how much you hate bananas." I smiled.
"And I know how much you hate the pills. And I also know how healthy this banana is." He grinned back and held out the yellow fruit like it was the first time he'd seen one.
"You're so stupid," I mumbled before swallowing the first pill. At the same time, Phil took a bit of the banana he was holding. He sometimes did this—eating something he hated while I had to eat something I hated. Maybe it was to make me feel better about the whole situation, but the only thing I knew was that seeing the face he made in disgust was almost worth it.
"Never doing that again…" he muttered.
"You said that last time," I giggled while sitting down on the sofa, my duvet tightly wrapped around me.
Phil followed soon after, holding out a plate with my breakfast on it.
"Thanks. You're too good to me." I grinned as I took it.
"I know," he giggled back and rumpled his fingers through my already messy hair. "What are you going to do all day? Now that you have to house to yourself." He smirked over the edge of his mug.
"I don't know. Maybe run around naked and sing One Direction?" I smirked back at him.
He just shook his head and grinned before taking another sip of coffee.
"Hey, Dan. What's up?"
"W-where are you?" I stuttered into the phone.
"At work, remember?" Phil asked back.
"Yeah," I sighed.
"Something wrong?"
"I don't know..." I breathed out and pressed myself as far into the sofa cushions as possible, like I'd been doing for the past hour. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get comfortable, and I didn't know why. I was so tired, but I simply couldn't sleep. Everything I did felt wrong.
"You don't know?" Phil repeated in a nervous tone.
"When are you coming home?" I asked him, ignoring the question because I didn't have an answer for him—I really didn't know.
"At five," he replied. I pulled the phone away from my ear to look at the time. He wouldn't be back for over five hours.
"Dan, what's wrong?" I could hear him stop whatever he was doing to give me his full attention through the phone.
"N-nothing," I assured. It was the truth—nothing was wrong.
"Is something hurting? You have to tell me."
"No. I'm fine, I promise." I closed my eyes and tried to make myself comfortable again, which seemed like an impossible goal at the moment. Nothing was hurting and nothing seemed out of the ordinary, except for the fact that everything felt annoying.
"Then why are you calling?" Phil didn't sound very convinced by what I was telling him.
"I don't know!" I almost cried out, frustrated. I didn't have a proper response to give him for any of his questions. I didn't know why I was calling; he couldn't do anything about it anyway. I didn't even know what to tell him was wrong, because nothing was wrong, really. But calling him was the only thing I knew how to do when I felt helpless.
"Hey, calm down," Phil tried. "Can you tell me what your blood pressure is?"
I nodded slowly, knowing full well that he couldn't see me anyway. I carefully got to my feet and started walking towards the breakfast bar, where we'd left the monitor from that morning. I placed the phone down on the counter before wrapping the cold fabric around my upper arm.
"I'm gonna be quiet for a moment…" I warned, so he wouldn't get worried from me not saying anything for the next few seconds.
I clicked the button and waited for the fabric to tighten around my skin, making my fingers tingle. It didn't hurt, but it wasn't pleasurable either. Now I just had to wait for it to beep.
"Normal," I mumbled as I unwrapped myself. "Better than this morning…" I sighed softly and turned around to head back to the sofa.
"Okay... Okay, I think you should go take a nap if you can. Go to the bed instead. That's more comfortable."
"I've tried sleeping already," I complained.
"Yeah. But not in the bed, right?"
"No."
"Try that then. And call me again if something's wrong, okay? Promise me that?"
"Yeah." I sighed and picked up all of my stuff from the couch to head to the bedroom.
"Okay, hang on for a sec..." Phil mumbled hurriedly into the phone before I heard it being placed down on something. I guessed Phil had to be in the middle of dealing with a costumer. I always felt bad for calling him at work because I hated to interrupt him. It was especially rude in a situation like Phil's where he was dealing with costumers all the time.
But I had permission to call whenever I wanted to, and Phil had permission to leave and talk to me. It was easier to make agreements like that now that Phil knew both Chris and his dad—who owned the place—well. They understood our situation, so it wasn't a problem.
"I'm here now, sorry."
"C-come home…" I desperately sobbed, without crying properly. "Ph-Phil… Come h-home."
"What happened?" he asked in a loud, clear voice. I could hear him walking away from wherever he'd been standing to get somewhere quieter.
"Nothing h-happened." I still couldn't explain what was wrong. Maybe nothing was.
"Did you sleep a little?"
"Yeah, but..." I breathed heavily into the phone, not really knowing where to go from there. I let out a few helpless sobs.
"Why are you crying? Dan?"
"I-I'm not!" I whined, while rolling over on top of the bed. I didn't understand what was going on. I didn't feel really bad, but I didn't feel okay either.
"Hey, take it easy..."
"J-just come h-home..." I begged as I drew the duvet over to fully cover my head. "Please."
"Can it wait a little? We're really, really busy. And me and Chris are the only one here and—"
"No… N-no." I pulled my covers back down—it was only making it worse. I had tried every possible way to get comfortable, without any luck at all.
"Can you come to the coffee shop?" Phil asked me. Just the thought of going outside in this weather was enough to make me cry properly. But if Phil couldn't get home, I had to come to him. I couldn't stand to be alone on a day like this where everything seemed weird and confusing.
"Y-yeah…" I got up and walked straight to the hallway to put on my boots, still in my sweatpants and oversized hoodie. My hair was all over the place from trying to sleep, but looking presentable was the last thing on my mind at the moment.
I zipped up my jacket and stepped out of the apartment. I locked the door behind me before heading to the lift.
"Is it okay if I hang up now?"
I froze in front of the door to the lift, just staring at it blankly.
"Dan?" Phil asked when I didn't responded.
This was too much to handle. This couldn't be happening now. My eyes began to water up while I continued to stare at the red sign with white letters that had been placed across the door on the lift, saying that it wouldn't be running for the next two hours because of a security check.
"C-c-come home Ph-Phil…" I begged, my voice thick. I had a hard time forming understandable words as I started crying properly. "The l-lift i-is not working…" I cried. The letters in front of me were turning blurry and impossible to read as tears formed in my eyes, soon to overflow.
"What?"
"The lift's not w-working!" I tried to make myself sound clear through my sobs, but failed. "And I can't take the s-stairs…" I started backing away from the lift to go back inside our flat.
I gave up on trying to stop the tears from running down my cheeks. I didn't like this; Phil had to come home.
"Okay. Dan, calm down. I'm leaving now, okay? I'll be there as fast as I can. Go back inside and sit down. Just take it easy..."
I did as I was told and unlocked the door again. Kicking off my shoes and wriggling off my jacket, I stumbled my way into the lounge.
"B-but you're busy…" I tried to sound like I cared, when I really didn't. I knew I was taking him away from his job on a busy day, leaving Chris alone, but I couldn't bring myself to care. I needed Phil here, no matter what he was doing.
"It's okay, Dan. Don't think about it. Twenty minutes and I'll be there."
I sniffed in understanding before he hung up.
I was curled up on the sofa when I heard the door being clicked open out in the hallway. I hadn't moved at all since Phil told me he would come home. I didn't know what to do anyway. I was too uncomfortable to even think about playing video games or going on the internet.
"Dan?" Phil called through the house. "Where are you?" I didn't have energy to answer his question, and it wasn't like I could go missing in a small apartment like this, so I stayed completely still, eyes closed, just waiting for him to find me.
"Is it just a horrible day?" he suddenly whispered from right beside me. I didn't even notice him coming into the room.
I sniffed in surprise and forced myself to take a proper look at him. He was still wearing his jacket. His cheeks were slightly red from the cold air, making me silver slightly just by the thought of being outside.
I uncurled myself and sat up in front of him. Phil took a small step backwards, giving me space to place my legs on the floor. I didn't take my gaze away from his as I did. I could see the concern in his eyes by the way his eyebrows were drawn together while he followed my movements.
Unsteadily, I got to stand before lazily wrapping my arms around Phil, seeking comfort.
"What is it, Dan?" he whispered into the side of my neck as he held me close.
"Nothing..." I sighed softly.
Phil loosened his grip around me to lift up my chin so he could look me in the eyes. I was still holding my arms around his waist.
"What's wrong?"
"I don't know." I forced my chin out of his hand to avoid eye contact and rested my head down on his chest instead. I heard Phil sighing deeply as he gave me a quick squeeze.
"Can I take my jacket off?" he mumbled.
"Hmm..." I breathed out and let go of him, leaving myself standing in the middle of the lounge while he took of his jacket.
Phil walked back to me and looked me over carefully, letting his eyes travel across my face before placing a hand flat down on my forehead. I leaned into the touch, not sure if I liked it or not. Phil let his fingers stroke down my cheek until he reached the side of my neck and gently pressed down, waiting a moment before pulling back.
"How are you feeling?" he asked, once he was done touching me.
"Tired." Tired was the only thing I could say really, as tired was the only thing I was feeling. Nothing was hurting and the blood pressure was fine. I felt fine.
"Come on." Phil guided me back to the couch and forced me to sit down. "I'm going to use the nitroglycerin spray on you, okay? Is it in your jacket?"
"Yeah," I sighed.
Phil nodded determinedly and went for the spray as I sat back down. I buried my face in my palms, frustrated, just wishing that this horrible day would be over so we could move on.
Phil entered the room once more holding the object in his hand. He kneelt down in front of me, smiling caringly.
"Open your mouth and lift your tongue," he commanded as he held his hand underneath my chin to keep my head still. He clicked the bottle once out in the air to make sure it worked before he sprayed it under my tongue.
"Done." He smiled and slowly pulled his hand back. A sudden rush of heat surged throughout my whole body, making my head spin slightly. I just focused on taking deep breaths—it would fade away soon. The spray was meant to lower blood pressure. I was allowed to use it as many times as I wanted. It helped sometimes if I was feeling uncomfortable, but I hadn't really used it that much lately.
"Okay?" Phil nudged my shoulder gently to get my attention.
"Hmm. Fine," I assured him in a small voice. The feeling had subsided a little, only leaving a nearly slight headache, but that soon would disappear too.
"I'm going to find every duvet and pillow we own and then we can make a nest on the sofa, okay?"
"Okay." I opened my eyes just to watch him walk out.
"Want to watch something?" Phil asked me once we'd gotten comfortable in the couch, me leaning against him while resting my head on top of his chest. I felt a little better about the whole situation now that Phil was here. It made me feel safe and that made me relax.
"I don't care." I probably wouldn't be able to focus properly on anything anyway, so Phil could decide what he wanted and meanwhile I'd just be curling up against his side, trying to sleep.
Phil clicked the remote to find something interesting while I just let myself slide further down until my head was on top of Phil's duvet covered lap. Phil started moving his hand up and down my side. I breathed in relief, finally able to get some peace.
I woke up feeling weird and nauseous, definitely a lot worse than I've felt in months. This was wrong, and the more I woke up, the more scared I got. I did my best to stay completely still, hoping that it would subside a little.
"Ph-Phil…" I muttered breathlessly into the corner of my duvet. Not even sure if he heard me properly, I tried to roll over in his lap to face him. I felt a rising sensation in my throat as I moved, so I forced myself to sit up quickly instead of lying down. But I regretted it instantly as the nausea only got a lot worse. My movements made me feel light-headed and my world slowly started to spin in front of me.
"What's wrong?" I heard Phil's voice—nervous and slightly confused.
I only groaned loudly in response and made sure my head was over the edge of the sofa in case I got sick. I felt Phil press his body up against mine to keep my balance while supporting my head so I wouldn't fall over. I could hear he was trying to talk to me, but I couldn't really understand what he was saying.
I couldn't really concentrate on him either since I was busy not throwing up. My breathing was starting to speed up really badly and it became harder and harder to breathe as each second went by. A tightening feeling started to fill my chest and I pressed my hand hard against it, knowing full well that it wouldn't help at all.
Everything felt surreal; it was like a nightmare I couldn't wake up from. A nightmare involving people standing on my chest or keeping me under water with no chances of escape, no matter how much I wanted it or how hard I tried. There was no going back.
My vision blurred and every sound seemed far away—locked out. I heard Phil saying something, but I didn't understand him. The only thing my mind could concentrate on was breathing, but it was like my body had forgotten how to do even that.
"Ph-Phi.. Call 999…" I squeaked out and pressed harder against my chest, trying somehow to get some relief from the building pain that was radiating through my chest and out to my entire body. It was like someone kept tightening their grip around my heart; it desperately tried to keep beating but they wouldn't let it. The pressure just got bigger and bigger, like it was going to explode at the end. It was pounding so fast that it was making all my muscles numb and my ears ring. I couldn't feel my hands or legs properly anymore because the blood wasn't going fast enough to reach them. My heart simply could not keep up.
"999… 999," I repeated over and over, not sure if he could even hear me as I couldn't really hear myself.
Phil's hands were all over my body and I heard him shouting loudly at me, but I was unable to respond. I breathed out and felt myself relax completely in his arms, letting go of my chest because I had no powers left. I knew I was having a heart attack and I couldn't do anything about it.
Not even knowing where I was, everything became dark and completely silent.
A/N: Please continue! ^^