I'll heal the hole in your heart chapter 12
Summary about chapter 12: (They're 18 years old) Just read chapter 11, then you'll find out what's going on.
A/N: A* story right here! From this chapter and further on will contain heavy angst! (No major triggers, don't worry.)
Words: 4.656
Dan »
I was lying on my back, just staring blankly out in front me and breathing heavily. I was surrounded by the familiar sounds of the machines, which indicated that I was alive and awake. Every noise seemed to cut into my brain and each breath felt like knives in my chest, like I'd been hit by a car. Or even multiple cars. At least two of my ribs were broken—I could tell even though I didn't know for sure yet. I didn't know what to feel. It was the first time I had woken up in a hospital feeling this bad. Usually it was the other way around; I would be feeling this bad at home and then be taken to hospital. I felt nauseous and light-headed, and I was so confused so I couldn't think straight. I blamed the medication that was flowing through my veins for that, but I couldn't be sure.
I was too young for this. Lying paralysed, trapped in my own body, just staring out into space and feeling like this.
I seemed to be completely alone in the room, but I couldn't know for sure. My ears were ringing and my vision was so blurry that everything just a few feet away looked like clouds—I couldn't really see anything. With slow, weak movements, I turned my head down to get a look at myself. I had an IV in both of my hands, but only one was being used. Instead, a tube was attached to a vein in my arm, allowing the medications access to my body. Besides the blanket covering my legs, I was completely naked. But I couldn't bring myself to care.
My gaze travelled to the familiar wires on my chest. I followed them to the side to get a look at the monitor at my bedside, trying to make out the blurry numbers going up and down. It was giving me a headache, having my eyes open for too long. Closing them again, I turned back to facing straight ahead and just concentrated on absorbing the oxygen coming from the cannula in my nose.
I couldn't remember how long I'd been lying there; my mind was just as blurry as my vision. What had happened before I woke up, I couldn't tell, but I'd already guessed it that it was my heart. Like it was whenever I woke up in a hospital bed, staring at a white ceiling.
I'd been through a couple of tests already, but I didn't have strength enough to ask any other questions, besides finding out it'd been a heart attack. I just let them do whatever they wanted and lay still, not even pulling a face when they stuck the needles into my arms or put me through the scans.
I heard approaching voices from outside of my room. Exhausted, I moved my attention towards the door. My whole world was moving in slow motion—it was like being in a constant daze, surrounded by clouds.
The one who, from the outline of his hair, I guessed had to be Phil stepped into the room first, shortly followed by a man dressed in white. I figured he had to be the doctor, but I couldn't tell at that distance.
My eyes followed Phil as he walked to one side of my bed, opposite from the doctor. He gave me a small smile, but I could tell it was fake. It was clear that he'd been crying. His eyes were all red and puffy and his cheeks were slightly flushed. Under his eyes, he had dark circles, telling that he'd been awake for longer than was healthy.
"Hey," he whispered, his voice sounding broken. I wanted to return his greeting, but I couldn't get myself to speak. Instead I blinked slowly in response, letting him know that I'd heard him.
"Hello Daniel," the doctor greeted in a low voice from the other side of the bed.
I sighed softly at his tone before turning my head a bit to face him.
"How are you feeling? That was quite a trip you went on there." He smiled caringly down at me. I couldn't see the point in describing how I felt. From the way I looked, it was pretty obvious how I was feeling.
He bent over me to shine a flashlight into my eyes. Normally that would hurt my eyes and cause them to water up, but I couldn't really feel it this time. But at that point, I couldn't bring myself to care.
"Is your vision coming back?" he asked as he sat down in the chair.
I nodded once, assuring him that is was. Slowly but surely, I was starting to see again.
"That's good." He smiled, but stayed silent for a little bit while I continued to stare at him. I knew he was about to tell me bad news. Phil seemed to already know what he was going to say—now it was my turn.
"Okay," he began with a sigh. It was probably for the best that I couldn't really see his or Phil's facial expressions. It felt less serious, not knowing how the others were reacting. "Let's start with some news that isn't about your heart first. Your brain didn't suffer any damage, which is the most important thing. It might be a day or two before you can see and hear one hundred percent again, but it should come back. Your reflexes are fine and your blood count is also fine."
He gave me a quick smile before his face turned back to serious. "Your heart, however, suffered more damage. You went into cardiac arrest multiple times, which was extremely hard on your heart. Unfortunately, this means that your heart is very weak now… It won't be able to sustain the same level of stress you've been putting on it recently. It's simply not strong enough."
He paused for a bit. "Your heart function is down fifteen percent due to the heart failure. Some people can live with that, but because you've been ill your whole life, your heart will not be able to maintain function indefinitely. It's been too weak for too long, Dan…"
I closed my eyes, trying to understand what he was telling me and not really sure if I wanted to hear the rest of it.
"So… you're saying… th-that I'm dying?" I asked weakly. It was the first time I'd spoke properly since I'd woke up and just forming the words was a battle.
"Dan, don't…" Phil interrupted gently.
"B-but that's what is m-means, right?" I stopped to breathe. Every single syllable hurt my chest. I just wanted to keep quiet, but I needed to know. "However nicely you phrase it… it doesn't change the fact… that I-I'm dying." I was scared to open my eyes. I didn't want to cry, but I didn't want to sound angry either.
The doctor was silent for a while, then he exhaled deeply. "Yes. It does," he said.
"H-how long?" I slowly opened my eyes back up at looked at him; I wanted him to tell the truth. All this talking was so painful and it was making me breathe faster. "Y-you can tell m-me."
"Probably a year. Maybe two years if nothing changes."
I nodded slowly, not talking my gaze off of him, feeling my eyes starting to burn from the tears.
"Our heart service team have approved you for a heart transplant. Your odds are good because you're so young. When you're feeling a bit better, we'll start the process and you'll get a therapist along with a specialised doctor to help you through it until you get a donor."
He looked kindly at me. "We'll tell you more about it later—this is a lot to take in at once. But we don't know when we're going to get a match. It can take months—even years. This means that you'll have to carry an oxygen tank from now on to make sure your heart gets as much oxygen as possible to help the blood circulate the best we can. You must avoid putting any stress on it, Dan. Not at all, I'm sorry."
"C-can I be alone? Pl-please?" It was impossible to hold the tears back any longer. There were too many.
They did as I asked, leaving me with my own thoughts. I wasn't crying for myself—I'd always known that I was going to die young. But I was going to leave Phil. It was the thought of that that was hurting me the most. Phil had always told me that it was just a bad day—that it could be fixed. But this time it couldn't be fixed, and he knew.
I threw my hands up over my eyes and cried into the bandages covering my hand, wishing I'd never met Phil. That I just had kept being the weird kid in the back of the class, not hurting anyone. Phil shouldn't be around me. I was poison, causing only pain to everyone who dared to get close to me.
I wouldn't be able to do anything from now on. Even simple things like getting out of the apartment would be a big struggle. I knew what not being allowed to put any stress on my heart meant. It meant sitting in a wheelchair and being pushed around if I needed to go anywhere far. The play I'd been planning for months—the play I would have shown to Phil—I would have to cancel now. That was probably the worst because I was both letting PJ down, and letting myself down too by not being able to do it. I'd been looking forward to it ever since PJ had given me the opportunity.
It was like my heart was still beating, but my life had stopped.
"How do you… see m-me now?" I said through strenuous breaths. I blinked up at Phil, struggling to keep my eyes open. We'd been sitting like this for a while now, just looking at each other, exchanging small nervous smiles. Phil was gently running his fingers through my hair, trying to make me feel comfortable while neither of us wanted to speak. But I'd finally decided to break the silence.
"I see a beautiful boy lying in front of me," Phil started quietly, with a small smile. "But one who is very, very ill…" He paused and looked me in the eyes, taking a few deep breaths before he continued. I could tell that he didn't like my choice of conversation. "And who I failed to protect. I promised nothing bad would happen to him, but… look at you now…" he whispered thickly. "I promised your parents nothing would happening to you, a-and I broke that p-promise." The more he continued, the more slurred his voice became. Even though my vision was still blurry, I could still see that he was about to cry.
"How c-can you say… stuff like that?" I asked in a low voice. "If it wasn't for y-you I w-wouldn't even b-be here." I was difficult to make myself understandable, as I was a mix of pain and exhaustion, but Phil shouldn't be feeling like that. Nothing about this was even remotely close to being his fault.
"But I should have known… I should have brought you in e-earlier."
"Can you please… not b-blame yourself, Ph-Phil? I don't need t-that… Please," I begged.
He sighed deeply, but didn't say anything else. I carefully looked him over.
"Now, what do you s-see, Phil?" I asked again.
He took a few heavy breaths before he started. "I see a beautiful boy lying in front of me…" He choked out a quick laugh through sobs. "I see a person who doesn't just step back and give up, but sits up and fights no matter what he comes up against." He sniffed hard, trying to stop himself from crying. "And that is what makes me love you so much…" he trailed off.
I focused my full attention on him while unintentionally holding my breath, not sure where he was going with this.
"I love you so much, Dan."
"Please don't s-say that… Please don't."
"But it's true…" Phil leaned even closer towards me on the bed so I could get a full look at him.
"You can't love me, Ph-Phil…" My voice became shaky and my vision turned even blurrier than it had been. "You can't…" But the last words came out almost inaudibly due to the lump in my throat. My eyes soon overflowed and I felt the hot tears running down my cheeks. Phil couldn't love me. He deserved better. I was only good for causing pain and worry. "You c-can't love someone like me, Ph-Phil. I won't let you, I—"
"But I do—I really do. Nothing you say can make me change how I feel. Nothing. I'm sorry." He started running his fingers through my messy hair again, smoothing it away from my forehead in the process.
"But you don't know h-how l-long I have l-left…" I cried quietly. My stomach twisted and I started feeling sick to the point of vomiting. Saying it out loud made me realise the truth. I hadn't really thought about it before, but I'd have a last day. Everyone has a last day, of course, but mine was coming before I was ready for it.
"How would that matter? Love isn't about time, Dan." He paused for a moment while using his free hand to dry his eyes. "I still love chocolate bars, even though they end. Everything ends at some point, but that doesn't mean that we can't enjoy it while it's here."
I managed to choke out a laugh. "But you can just get a new chocolate bar. You can n-never get a new one of m-me."
"Then it's lucky that this one is so good that I'd never need another one…" Phil whispered. He slowly moved his fingers down my cheeks to wipe my tears away. "I won't ask for anything in return. I'm emotionally invested in you, Dan, and I love you, unconditionally. You can't change that. I'm still your best friend…" He sobbed.
Phil stayed still in front of me, just looking. His eyes were red and puffy from crying, but he was still smiling weakly.
"I'm your only friend." I breathed out with a lazy grin.
"True.." Phil's mouth spread into a small relieving smile as he managed to squeak out a laugh.
For a moment I got lost in his deep blue eyes blinking down on my. It was calming looking at them. It has always been calming..
"You'll get through this, okay? We'll get through this," he whispered softly.
I took a minute to catch my breath before I could answer. "I love you too…" I finally let myself say.
It felt good saying it after so long. And it was funny, because I'd always loved Phil and he'd always known in a way. We weren't scared of saying it—we were just waiting for the right time, when it came naturally. But this wasn't anywhere near how I'd expected it to be. It should have been perfect. Nothing about this was perfect, but I couldn't control reality. This was just how it was meant to be. "I'm so s-sorry, Phil… You don't deserve this. I—"
I cut myself off. I wanted to scream out in frustration, but I couldn't even move. "You don't know what you're doing to me, Phil. Do you?" I ended up whispering.
He slowly shook his head from side to side, not saying a word.
"I didn't think I would ever have a life… With someone, y'know? Someone who cared about me, for more than…" I stopped to breathe. "Just someone who could look through all this." I paused, using my bandaged hand to gesture at the machines and tubes connected to me. "And I don't know how you do it… I r-really don't know."
"I've always looked through that." He drew his thumb over the tube on my cheek. "I see the person behind the illness, because that person is so beautiful, so amazing, and so talented. Everything about you is beautiful… You're so much more than hospitals and white sheets. I've never met anyone like you and you surprise me all the time. Every day with you is different from yesterday."
I nodded slowly against his hand, not knowing what to respond.
"But you're making it difficult, Dan." He swallowed. "I can't just look through it anymore. I'm sorry, but I can't. I'll try my very best—I promise—but it's not that easy anymore. I'll still see the person behind… but it's like the wall is broken now. And I'm so, so sorry."
Phil »
It had been a few hours since Dan fell asleep again, and I was sat there with nothing to do, just watching him for the whole time. But I was so tired. At this point, I had probably been awake for forty hours straight and I'd be surprised if my blood wasn't made out of pure coffee yet.
"Phil?"
The sound of my name pushed me out of my drowsiness and I opened my eyes, just to blink up at Dan's parents and brother standing in front of me.
"H-hey," I murmured in surprise, and unsteadily got to stand. Dan hadn't woken up yet, even though we were now four people in the room.
"Let's go outside," Mrs. Howell suggested quietly.
I followed her out. "I'm sorry I haven't called, I just—"
"Don't worry about it Phil. It's okay," she cut me off as she stepped closer. "The hospital and your mother both called, so it's fine." She smiled caringly. "No need to be sorry."
I breathed out in relief, although I wasn't sure what I'd been anxious about; I knew they wouldn't be mad. I just couldn't get myself to call them. I had too much to think about, and dealing with Dan's parents wasn't at the top of my priority list. Maybe it was selfish, but if I wasn't my mind would probably explode. I just couldn't handle anything more.
"I think you should go home and get some rest, Phil…" She gently pushed my fringe out of my face and gave me the most motherly smile I'd seen in a long time. "You look so tired."
"Oh god, I am so tired." I smiled back a bit. "It was a long night." Tried was probably the wrong word. I felt feverish and sick, on top of tired. By body was aching all over and just standing here was making me feel dizzy.
"I'm so glad he has you." Her face spoke the truth; she was truly thankful. I knew I'd brought so many bright moments into Dan's life and their lives. With me, they were able to relax when things got rough with Dan. I could take over and stay with him in hospital whenever they needed a break. And I understood that having a son like Dan must be hard. Just having a friend like Dan was hard, but for every sad and frustrating moment that he'd cost me, he'd given me just as many fantastic ones.
"There's something we've talked about…" She sighed, suddenly serious. "About Dan." She moved her gaze to Dan's father, who'd stepped out of the room to stand beside her. "Let's sit down?"
I couldn't quite figure out where this was going, but I didn't like the start of it.
"What is it?" I began nervously, sitting down on one of the chairs in the corridor.
"We're taking him home," she began gently. "We're taking Dan back with us to Wokingham once he's allowed to leave the hospital."
I was so tired and the information came as such a surprise that I couldn't think of anything to say. I just sat there, staring blankly at them.
"We talked to his doctor briefly when we got here and…" She paused and moved her gaze from her lap to focus her attention on me. "We won't let you go through that again, Phil. It's not because we don't trust you—because believe us, we do—we just don't want you to have to deal with that. It's too much for anyone, let alone an eighteen year old. You shouldn't have to have that responsibility."
"But I…"
"It's not fair for anyone. We're so thankful that you've been able to have him until now. But it's getting too much, I'm sorry."
I didn't agree with her, but I couldn't disagree with her either. She was right. It would probably be too much.
"It's not something we have to discuss right now but—"
"Just don't tell Dan," I cut her off, my tone determined. "You can't tell him that we've talked about this. Not before I've made up my mind." I needed to think about it, but I wasn't in the right state of mind to agree to something like that. I was too tired to make proper decisions.
She sighed. "Of course."
I walked out of the hospital feeling even more empty than when I'd walked in, even though now I knew that Dan was okay. His parents were right. It would be hard. But I couldn't even imagine a life without him. That picture didn't exist in my mind.
I decided to sleep on it first. But if I insisted on letting Dan stay, I didn't know how his parents would react: if they even believed that was safe enough, or if they already had made up their minds about this. I still had work to do. Dan could of course come with me, but I knew he didn't like that.
I stumbled into our apartment, exhausted, almost tripping over some shoes on my way inside. I still needed to clean the lounge, but I would probably need a week to build up enough energy to do that.
I sighed softly before throwing myself on top of the bed, not even bothering to take off my clothes. I would just have to put them on again later so it wouldn't be worth the struggle.
My phone went off what seemed like only five minutes later. Just the notification sound felt like being hit in the head with a shovel. I woke up, confused, forgetting where I was for a moment or why I even was there.
I fumbled with my phone, trying to see what time it was and what had woken me up. I'd fallen asleep with my contact lenses in, so my eyes were hurting enough to give me a headache. Dan had only been in hospital two days but I was already falling apart. And I had no clue when they'd release him again—it could be days… weeks even. Just thinking about it was enough to make me cry.
Dan's mum had sent me a text telling me that they'd left the hospital to go find something to eat. Dan had fallen asleep again after talking to them briefly.
I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes to get a proper look around. It was evening already. My inner clock was completely messed up. But if Dan's family was gone, that meant that he was alone. Granted, he was probably still sleeping and he didn't mind waking up alone in hospital, since he'd done it so many times, but I still would rather be there for him.
I swung my legs over the side of the bed in an attempt to stand. All the aches and pains of the past few days came back as I did, making me groan. Now I just needed to get the rest of the way to the hospital.
Walking down the hospital corridor, I heard voices coming from Dan's room. I guessed it was probably his parents talking to him, but then I remembered that Dan's family was out, so it couldn't be them.
"What's happening?" I asked, a little nervous, as I entered the room. I found Dan lying in another bed while a few nurses were changing all of his bed sheets. They'd done that once already this morning, so I was confused.
I glanced around the room until my eyes landed on Dan, who immediately drew his new duvet up to cover his face.
"Can I come in?" I asked. I wouldn't just walk in, in case they were doing something I shouldn't be a part of.
"Yeah, of course." A young nurse smiled.
I stepped into the room and started walking towards the duvet-covered Dan on the other bed. He was still hiding—only his hair was sticking out at the top. He didn't look like he had any intentions of revealing himself either.
"What are you doing?" I asked with a small smile. Nothing about this looked particularly serious, so I allowed myself to relax a little.
"Nothing…" Dan giggled quietly from under the mound.
I carefully lifted my hand up to grab the corner of his cover and drag it down, getting a glance of him.
"Don't look at me." Dan quickly threw his hands up to cover his face. His cheeks were flushed red when I finally got to look at him properly.
"Why?" I laughed, feeling a nice warm wave hit me. Finally being able to laugh a little was something I'd needed more than I'd thought. Just smiling felt amazing and calming.
"Iwetthebed," he hurriedly breathed out, still hiding behind his hands.
"You what?" I said, not sure if I'd heard correctly.
Dan let out a long breath, moved his hands down, and looked me in the eye, smiling shyly. "Hello, I'm Dan, your eighteen year old boyfriend, and I just wet the fucking bed," he managed to squeak out before he started giggling lightly. "Happy?"
"Seriously?" I asked while trying to hold back a laugh. I didn't want to make him even more embarrassed than he obviously already was.
"It was an accident, okay? It happens.. I was sleeping and then, you know.. I slept… Oh God, this is so embarrassing," he mumbled while shaking his head slightly, still smiling.
"Yeah, yeah…" I smiled as I dragged a chair over to his bedside to sit down. "Does this mean that I'll have to wear a swimsuit in bed from now on?" I teased, trying not to laugh. But the only thing I was actually thinking about was how he announced himself as my boyfriend.
"Oh shut up, you idiot." Dan smiled widely. He lifted his hand up to rest across his forehead while he was breathing heavily.
"I'm sorry.."
"No you're not.." Dan muttered while turning his attention to me.
We were stayed completely still, just looking at each other exchanging small grins every now and then.
Dan was staring at me the way he always did, the way he'd been looking at me almost since we'd first met. The way I'd always questioned. I hadn't known anything about him then, but as the years had passed by, I got to learn what he meant by looking at me like that. His deep, dark, brown eyes wide open, blinking slowly, and not moving off of me for even a second.
"I love you so much, Dan. I've always loved you and I always will," I whispered under my breath. But I knew Dan had caught it by the way his cheeks changed colour and by the way he smiled.
I couldn't agree with his parents on this one. Dan had to stay with me. I'd already signed up for everything when he first moved in with me over five months ago, heart attacks included. He was my boyfriend, and I was the one who would look after him.
A/N: Story will be having a short break so I'll have time to work on my fic for the Phandom Big Bang (a tumblr thing for people who doesn't know). and a few oneshots. I am really sorry, but it's only a short break, you'll survive! (^_^)
The ending has a deeper meaning. Wait for the fic QA in like a few months hahahah or ask