Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
AN: Thanks for all your notes so far! Keep pushing through - we'll get to sunshine soon!
Suggested Listening: "Winter Ghosts" by JBM
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Bella was awake long before she noticed the sunshine.
There was so much of it, spilling through the cracks in the burgundy curtains. Its rays caught the dust motes in the air before washing over the carpeted floors.
But all Bella could do was blink - once, twice - before pulling her knees tighter against her chest. Before she somehow let her eyes sweep slowly over the dark, silent living room of her home, eventually falling to her left and landing on the thin quilt, piled in a disheveled heap on one end of the couch. The sheet beneath it, covering the nearly threadbare upholstery, was wrinkled and pulling off the cushions.
Releasing a deep, ragged breath, Bella tipped her head forward, pressing her mouth against the back of one of her knees. Shutting out the sun as she squeezed her eyes closed.
Refusing it in that moment. Refusing the light.
It didn't make sense to her - how it could be that way when she still felt so dark inside.
So incredibly fucking empty…
Empty...yet somehow Bella could still feel that constant, sharp pain in her chest, the first moments of morning carving out another little piece of her. Marking the start of another day.
It had been fourteen so far...
Fourteen days since Embry went away, swept from life and leaving them all behind. The reality of it - the aftermath - came and went in waves. Some days and moments within them were excruciating, while others Bella simply felt numb.
But the moment she awoke that morning, neck stiff from fourteen days of sleeping on the couch and cold streaks of moisture already on her cheeks, Bella knew right away that day was going to be worse than the others.
The crippling ache in her chest, consuming her before she even opened her eyes, only confirmed it.
In that moment, she hated him...for leaving.
For leaving her by herself.
For leaving his family...
Something new registered somewhere in Bella's foggy mind. She could hear the noises from the room just down the hall - muted words, coming from a small body. So heavy with innocence, it only made it worse. It only made it hurt more - that little, untainted voice that didn't know any better, too young to understand how long it had been and what exactly it meant.
Bella's eyes burned fiercely behind closed lids. Her wrung-out heart, combined with what she could hear down the hallway, was almost too much. She'd known pain before - loss, heartbreak, but it was nothing like this. Before, there was always a shred of solace - a knowledge that time would heal it. That it would make everything better. That eventually things would return to normal and life would go on.
This time, Bella couldn't see it.
She couldn't fathom how this would ever be better. How it would ever stop hurting. How things for her and her daughter would ever be normal or right again.
A silent sob tore at Bella's chest, but she swallowed it back when she heard it - a single word, pushed from tiny lungs. It was a call to her, urging Bella to get up. To start her day. To go through the motions and, at the very least, remember the only reason she needed to.
She needed to move...
Still, Bella didn't open her eyes, imagining Maddie behind them. Imagining what she would see when she stood and walked into the little girl's bedroom. How she'd still be tucked under her blankets, her pink stuffed rabbit with matted fur clutched to her chest, watching her mother walk through the door with wide, ebony eyes.
Those eyes…
They were so much alike...and for fourteen days, Bella feared them. She feared them because all she could see in her daughter's eyes were memories of another pair - identical ones that used to watch her from across the pillows on their bed. Ones that would trace her features, memorizing every line - every facet - before he would lean across the distance separating them, fingers ghosting over her cheek before he gently pressed his lips to hers…
She could still feel it, when she took a moment - when she concentrated, remembering and cataloging exactly where his fingers rested. How the heat from each one soaked into her skin, warming her from the inside out.
But it went away as quickly as it came, replaced with a searing hopelessness when Bella remembered how she'd never feel it again.
God, it was too much...
But she had to.
No matter what she had to move, even if it was only as far as her daughter's room, before the others showed up. Before whomever was scheduled to check in on them that day found her on the couch and realized another night had gone by where she'd been unable to sleep in her own bedroom.
Before they realized that maybe she didn't want to move anymore than she already had. Not yet.
Like clockwork, one of them came everyday to look in on them. They washed the dirty dishes in the sink, or threw together a casserole for dinner so Bella wouldn't have to think about it or do it herself.
She appreciated it, but a part of her just wished they wouldn't. Everyone else was grieving, too - in their own ways - and a part of her just wished they'd leave it for her. No matter how much effort it took for her to complete, the distraction was better than the alternative - than an empty brain with too much time to think about everything else.
But they always showed up. They were pack, and they wouldn't abandon their own.
Not in life…
Not in death.
Bella missed the light knocking on the kitchen door. Holding her breath, she realized it was too late - that someone had already showed up before she could move. She thought about standing up but could only open her eyes as another sound - the sound of a door opening, of soft footsteps in the hallway - pierced the smothering silence in a house still standing vigil.
Taking a breath, Bella pulled away from herself slightly, noticing for the first time the circle of moisture on her cotton pants, soaked through just above the knee. She released her hold on her legs long enough to reach up, to swipe the rest of the wetness from her cheeks, trying to push it all away, or - at the very least - bottle it up for later.
"Bells?"
Bella didn't have to look - she recognized the voice as soon as it entered the living room through the kitchen. A deep, rich baritone she'd know anywhere. One that, for as long as she could remember, had somehow always brought her comfort. One that always was able to make things better for her.
Until now.
Drawing in a long, labored breath through parted lips, Bella finally looked toward the doorway.
She barely moved, but somehow her gaze found the one Jacob Black gave her in return...and the look on his face only made it worse.
He tried to smile - a kind of half-gesture that didn't do much to comfort or soothe Bella, because she was sure Jacob held just as much hurt inside him, too. There wasn't a single soul on La Push who didn't love Embry, and he was one of Jacob's closest friends. There wasn't a single person who didn't adore the man he was. Who wouldn't miss him if he went away...
On closer look, Bella guessed Jacob's eyes closely resembled hers.
Bella's mouth opened, but nothing came out. Still watching him, she closed it instead, swallowing - a thick, difficult movement as it fought past the tightness in her chest.
Jacob stepped into the room, an inexplicable warmth somehow filtering into his eyes. Shoving his hands in his pockets, his gaze scanned the room, the subtle gesture accompanied by a blatant glaze of concern seeping across his expression.
He looked back to her. "You doing okay, honey?"
Heat pricked at Bella's eyes before she glanced away quickly, expecting nothing less from Jacob. Still, she somehow managed to swallow back the answer she wanted to say. To contain the part of her that wanted to scream, sick of hearing that question. She pushed down words that would order Jacob to get the hell out of her house and leave her alone. To stop checking and to stop asking how she was. Wanting them all to stop wondering if she was okay.
Mostly because it was a stupid question - one with an answer they should have already known.
She fucking wasn't okay.
Jacob was her family. They all were, but she didn't want them. Not right now. Not like she used to.
Her family was Maddie. Her family was Embry, and only one of them was still there.
And in that moment, all she wanted was that.
Her eyes finding a home on the silent television, Bella reached up, pushing her fingers through her tangled hair. It had been a couple days since she looked in the mirror, but she couldn't bring herself to care. Not when what she looked like on the outside seemed of little consequence when held up against her insides.
Jacob's heavy footsteps echoed in her ears, but Bella still didn't look at him.
"I'm here now," Jacob whispered, and in that moment, Bella realized he was right in front of her. His tall frame bending until he was crouched down, his eyes now level with hers. His wide and imploring, silently asking her to see him even though she was looking right at him. "What do you need, Bells?"
Letting her hand fall listlessly to the couch, Bella finally blinked, focusing on those onyx eyes watching her carefully. Feeling his hand on her knee, the heat from it soaked through the thin material of her pants. The action caused her eyes to close anyway. It made that ache flare again, ebbing only slightly when Jacob's thumb swept aimless half-circles against her leg. Soothing her, like he would a small child.
And Bella didn't argue, because despite her earlier wish - despite her telling herself she didn't want any of it - she was suddenly glad he was there with her, siphoning some of that sadness with every brush of his thumb. Easing that throbbing ache in her chest just enough for Bella to take a breath, her grip loosening on herself.
Just enough to let go...
Just enough to hear the noises from down the hallway again.
Her family...
The one person that needed her, even if she still had no idea how they would make it past that morning.
Jacob blinked, his gaze flicking toward the hallway. He glanced back, releasing a labored breath, an unfathomable heaviness in his eyes. "Maddie's awake."
It took every ounce of strength inside Bella to nod.
"I know," she whispered.
Jacob leaned forward slightly, bringing his other hand to her knee, giving it a gentle squeeze. "I saw some things that need to be done outside. I'm gonna go take care of that, okay?"
Bella looked away, taking several moments to push a single words from between dry lips.
"Okay."
Jacob squeezed again. "I'll stop back in when I'm done."
More long moments passed before Bella nodded, her blank stare abandoning Jacob's long before. Looking at nothing again, but still registering when he stood. When he bent forward, warm lips leaving a soft kiss on the crown of her head.
Bella closed her eyes on the ache - on the hot, unbearable moisture in her eyes. Somehow listening to Jacob's retreating footsteps, keeping time to her pounding heart, which was still beating no matter how she felt. No matter what she wanted.
Once she heard the door close behind Jacob, it took every bit of strength inside Bella to stand up - to drop her feet to the floor and press her hands to the cushions beneath her. To make her body cooperate when all she wanted was to lay back down - to pull the quilt over her head and stay there until Embry walked through the kitchen door and told her it was all a really dumb joke...
But it wasn't.
Because the silence was still deafening. That ache was still there.
The kitchen door stayed closed.
Finally on her feet, Bella had to tell herself to move. Licking her chapped lips, she tasted the saltiness from the moisture lingering on them. As she approached the hallway, she reached up with her fingers, smudging the wet lines carving new paths into her cheeks - ones she hadn't even realized were there.
Stopping outside her daughter's door, Bella hesitated for a single moment, inexplicably bracing herself for both the worst and best reminder of what she lost...
Holding her breath, Bella pushed open the door the rest of the way, greeted by a room filled with sunshine. With bright colors. With a light that somehow contrasted every other room in the house.
Met by a small pair of wide ebony eyes, watching her from a face pressed tiredly to a pink pillow.
It was enough to make Bella pause, hating herself because of what it did to her in that single moment. For how she felt when she saw those eyes. For what it made her remember.
Reminding Bella again how her little girl seemed to be the only thing that could both comfort her and bring her completely to her knees.
Bella watched her daughter. She saw the little pink rabbit Maddie was holding to her chest. How long, black lashes brushed over round, caramel cheeks. How her dark brown hair was in disarray, the color of it a stark contrast to the sheets and blankets surrounding her.
Realizing she had yet to move, Bella lost the breath in her lungs when the little girl threw her arms out, tiny hands grasping thin air but every part of her reaching for Bella. Wanting her mother.
Bella could feel something else, even as she somehow managed to smile - the gesture doing what it could to overshadow the tight knot crawling viciously up her throat. To soothe the debilitating burning in her eyes.
Because no matter what they lost - no matter how badly it hurt or what memories that came with it - Bella still loved the little girl with every shredded piece of her heart.
She still had to be there…
Because she was all Maddie had left.
Bella's feet carried her across the small room. The little girl didn't move - she simply watched her mother as Bella found herself crawling onto the toddler bed that was entirely too small for her to fit. Not caring as she laid down beside her daughter, reaching out and wrapping her arms around Maddie's small, warm frame.
The little girl didn't make a sound. She didn't squirm or struggle or protest, instead pushing out a small breath and snuggling into her mother's chest, tiny fingers gripping the buttons on Bella's nightshirt. Reaching up with one hand, Bella smoothed Maddie's hair, leaving a kiss on the top of her head before pressing her mouth against the little girl's hair. Feeling that ache again as she reached down with one hand, pulling the blanket around them both.
Closing her eyes, Bella hugged Maddie to her chest, tighter than she probably should have. Wanting to brush her own tears off the little girl's silken hair but refusing to move.
Refusing to let go.
Both amazed and inexplicably grateful that her daughter didn't make a sound. That she stayed completely still, giving Bella this moment, even if she was entirely too young to understand why her mother needed it as much as she did.
The little girl somehow making it better for her, in the only way she knew how.
AN: ...
Thoughts?