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Suggested Listening: "Sailed On" by Landon Pigg
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Bella was washing dishes when she found out.
A month earlier, standing in a spot similar to the one she was now, Bella could remember it clearly as lukewarm water rushed between her fingers. Bringing it all back as she robotically grasped a plate, taking entirely too long to find the dish rag beneath the suds.
To remember why it was she was doing this, putting every ounce of concentration into such a simple, mundane task.
It was just like everything else she had to do. Time still hadn't helped. She was going through the motions, necessary mental instruction telling her how to complete each task.
Get dressed.
Go to the bathroom.
Breathe in...
Breathe out.
Still, Bella felt like she hadn't truly taken a breath since that day weeks ago…
Since moments before heavy, sullen footsteps trudged through the door of Sam and Emily's cabin. One by one, each member of the pack filed into the kitchen, covered in bruises and deep scrapes. Physically, they were there. They were alive, but something on their faces said differently.
Something confirmed that below the surface, that may not have been the case.
Bella had been baking before it all began, peering over her shoulder with a smile to see Maddie using every ounce of strength she possessed inside her little body as she tried to stir a huge batch of chocolate chip cookie dough. The little girl had flour all over her - laced in sticky patches up her arms, stuck in clumps in her hair.
Bella had just turned back to the stove when she heard it through the open window, left open a crack to let in the cool late February air, ridding the kitchen of the excessive heat caused by the oven.
A long, drawn-out howl.
The noise was deep and urgent. Commanding.
Bella's breath hitched in her chest. It was a sound she knew by heart, the purpose of it cutting and clear in her mind. She knew what it meant, and she knew what she was supposed to do.
Embry wasn't home, so Bella knew he was probably already where he was needed. She turned off the oven and gathered a bag and their daughter in trembling arms, ignoring the way her heart pounded - the quick, red-hot fear coursing through her veins the same way it always did - as they sped to the other side of the reservation to Sam and Emily's. It was the place all the imprints - the imprints and Bella - gathered when the pack was dealing with a threat.
It was something Jacob required, now that he had Anna. Now that he understood how much of a distraction it was when they were fighting - when lethal, calculating instincts were divided by the constant worry for the safety of the other pack members. The ones who didn't phase. They were instructed to go to Emily's, all of them - Bella and Maddie. Anna. Rachel, Paul's imprint and Jacob's sister. Jared's imprint, Kim. Emily and Sam's little boy, Levi. They were all there.
And no matter how long it took - no matter how they all tried to distract themselves - the tension was always palpable. The distressed looks on their faces were entirely too apparent because in reality, all they could do was wait.
That day was no exception.
Bella had pulled into the driveway of Sam and Emily's home. She climbed out of the car, moving to the back and pulling Maddie from her seat. The little girl clung to her, knowing something was wrong but smiling anyway when Bella turned around - when they were both greeted by Collin, who huffed a punctuated greeting from canine lungs before he returned to pacing frenetic ruts into the cabin's front lawn.
"Puppy, Mommy..."
It was a site Maddie was used to, and Collin was standing guard. Protecting them and keeping watch, should the threat move close to the people who mattered most to the pack.
The scenario was the same, repeated enough times over five years that Bella lost count. So many times that she shouldn't be worried.
Still, once Maddie was in the living room with Levi, parked in front of a movie, Bella took a moment. Bracing herself against the wall with one hand, she pulled in a deep breath between dry lips. She did what she needed to get rid of the nagging feeling in her gut, the one telling her something wasn't right.
An inexplicable fear she couldn't put her finger on but felt all the same.
A fear she should have listened to, even if there was absolutely nothing she could have done.
Normally, it was easy to keep distracted, but that time was entirely different. Emily, Rachel, and Kim tried to keep a conversation going, despite Bella ignoring them all, busying herself with the dishes instead. Distracting herself in her own way. Despite how Anna sat stiff and silent at the kitchen table, still not entirely used to what was happening as she chewed her fingernails to the quick.
Bella appreciated the others for trying to keep the atmosphere light and soothing, but their efforts had been negated from the start. None of them could ignore the anxious, harrowed noises coming from the front yard - the sounds Collin made as a battle they couldn't see played out in his mind. As he whimpered and whined for nearly an hour straight, his body pulling him away from the front porch on more than one occasion before he faltered beneath an invisible, silent order. Before he fell back, returning to his post with a miserable, exhausted huff.
Knowing it wasn't normally like that, it unhinged everyone in the house. The younger members of the pack usually understood their role. They knew they needed to stay strong for those who waited in the house, because they felt it all, too, even if they weren't part of the fighting. Even if they weren't on the front lines.
And because of it, none of them were able to shake the feeling that something was wrong.
It wasn't until a low, mournful howl from outside pierced the silence in the kitchen - when Emily let a plate slip from between her fingers, the dish shattering into a million tiny pieces as it hit the hardwood floor - that Bella knew they were right.
It took nearly two hours for the pack to find their way back to the house.
It took Bella a single second to realize someone was missing.
It took less than that for everything inside her to turn inside out, her gaze sweeping frantically to every single face in the kitchen. Ignoring how not a single one of them would look her in the eye.
Bella swallowed, but it got stuck in her throat, the tightness in her chest making the tiny response impossible.
"Where's Embry?" she whispered.
It was Jacob who told her. It was Jacob who finally took a step forward from his place on the other side of the kitchen. It was Jacob who finally looked at her, eyes glassy and destroyed as his lips parted - as he shook his head, over and over. Buying himself time to make sure he could say the words.
To make sure he was strong enough to be the one who would destroy a life.
Bella took a step forward, that same tightness encasing her insides. Bearing down, everything inside her crushed beneath its weight.
"No…"
She whispered it from between clenched teeth, ignoring the lone tear that slipped down Jacob's bloody cheek. Ignoring how Emily's hands flew to her mouth. Ignoring how the rest of the pack dipped their heads. How Leah turned away. How Paul buried his face in his hands, his shoulders inexplicably shaking beneath an invisible weight. Ignoring how Quil - who was the closest one to her - took an inherent step toward her.
"No!" she repeated forcefully, her hands clenching into tight fists at her sides, fingernails digging unforgivingly into her flesh.
Jacob's face crumpled, but he never looked away. He never released her eyes, even when he swallowed. Even when his voice cracked beneath the words he said next.
"I'm so sorry, Bella…"
Quil was still standing closest to her, and somehow he was there. Somehow he managed to gather her in his arms before she collapsed, wrapping each one tightly around her body. Holding his breath - staying strong, somehow - as silent, painful sobs racked every part of her frame. As her tears dripped onto Quil's searing flesh, evaporating before the sound of her cries eventually filled the suffocating silence in the kitchen. As she could feel the fissure start at the bottom of her heart - moving up, tearing her in two when it did.
Everyone else refused to move, paralyzed by their own grief. Unable to speak a word.
Everything they felt coming to life through the small girl falling apart in front of them.
...
They eventually moved, but Bella was still trying to remember how.
A big thanks to those who have stuck with me so far. I know this grief is tough to read, I just need to get Bella to a place where she recognizes she needs some help
Adore you all. :)
Thoughts?