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Suggested Listening: "The Water" by Fossil Collective
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"I think this might be a bad idea…"
It took Bella nearly a week to say something.
It took her seven days to figure out what that ache in her gut meant - the one that seemed to get worse as the night of the bonfire went on. She somehow made it through the event, distracted from her own feelings by the way Maddie refused to leave Quil's side the entire night. Inexplicably bothered by the way she became his small shadow.
And Bella didn't miss how bright Maddie's eyes got when Quil showed up the following Tuesday and Thursday after work to take her to the playground down at the rez school.
Bella stood by the door, watching them walk away until she could no longer see them. Her stomach grew heavier with every single step.
She almost went after them.
Almost.
But she didn't.
Because more than anything else, Bella wanted her daughter to be happy. She wanted whatever help she could get when it came to getting Maddie through this incredibly difficult time in their lives. She wanted those bright eyes. That laughter. That smile, as much as possible.
But there was one thing she didn't want. One thought she couldn't bear.
One fear she couldn't seem to strike from her mind each and every time Quil showed up outside their door.
So there she was, arms crossed tightly in front of her chest, eyes trained on Quil as he crossed the last few feet of dock. She drove down to the marina after work, hell bent and determined to talk to him. To tell him as soon as she could, fueled by an intense and somewhat irrational determination she couldn't quite explain.
"Hey, Bella," Quil replied warily, lifting one eyebrow and ignoring her blurted greeting altogether. "This heat's kinda weird for September, isn't it?"
Licking her lips, Bella refused to be deterred. She shook her head, not really understanding why, before she opened her mouth and let the rest of the words carelessly tumble out.
"She already has a father."
There was no ignoring that.
Bella's pulse pounded in her ears when Quil's footsteps fell short, just before he stepped onto the gravel embankment leading to where she stood.
"Okay…" Quil muttered obliquely, his gaze darting over Bella's shoulder before looking back. "So I guess we need to talk." With a jerk of his head, his steps veered to Bella's left, wordlessly asking her to follow him.
She did, lips pressed into a thin line to keep the words where they belonged for now. The silence hung heavy between them, the only noise coming from the rocks crunching beneath their feet. She'd rehearsed a million things to say on the way there but faced with the chance to speak them, she couldn't seem to remember what any of them were.
Reaching a large piece of driftwood, Quil still didn't speak as he turned to face her, sinking to the wood at the same time. Peering up at her, both eyebrows raised expectantly.
"Sit?"
Nodding, Bella took the last two steps needed to reach him, collapsing beside him.
She could feel Quil's eyes on her, waiting for her to speak, but she kept hers trained on the sea, watching the waves lap at the shore and the distant outline of a fishing boat on the horizon.
"Bella…"
"Maddie has a father, Quil," Bella repeated, the words coming just as fast as the last time she spoke them.
Several long moments passed before he found the words to respond to her. Before Bella remembered to breathe, her pulse quickening as another part of her questioned why she spoke those words in the first place. For that determination that drove her there to ebb slightly, giving way to a flicker of better sense.
FInally pulling in a breath, Bella glanced to her left, making the mistake of looking directly into the eyes of the man next to her.
The bewilderment on his face was palpable. The subtle hurt in his eyes was there, and Bella glanced away after a handful of seconds.
Feeling like an idiot but knowing it was entirely too late to take back what she said.
"Is that what you think I'm trying to do?"
Bella's elbows dug into her thighs when she leaned forward, clasping her hands together in front of her.
"No…" she whispered uncertainly. "I mean, I don't know...it's just…" Bella stopped, pressing her fist to her mouth in frustration as she tried to find the right words. As she tried to ignore the way her stomach twisted, knowing there were things she was going to have to say. Words she may need to bring up, fearing what they'd bring back.
"Bella," Quil pressed. "Contrary to popular belief, I'm actually a pretty good listener…"
Bella couldn't ignore the smallest of smiles that pulled at her lips, hidden by her clasped hands. Taking a deep breath, she tried to put words to the jumble of thoughts in her head.
"I think...I think maybe you're spending too much time with her," Bella murmured quietly, blinking frantically to hold back the subtle heat she could already feel in the corner of her eyes. "It's helped, Quil...it really has, but...I'm seeing things that make me wonder."
She turned her head that time, recapturing Quil's attentive gaze with her own. Taking in the rapt expression on his face before she continued.
"She misses him, Quil," Bella whispered, her vision blurring for a moment before she reached around with one hand, rubbing her eye viciously. Ignoring that residual ache in her chest, she pressed on. "And you're there, more now than you were before, and...she's hanging onto that, I think." Bella glanced down at the sand. "And she's still so little, I just…"
The words were stuck in her throat. Squeezing her eyes shut, Bella tried to swallow back the knot on which they were caught. She tried to weave together all those tiny threads of strength she'd found over the past six months.
But it wasn't until she suddenly felt a warm arm around her shoulders, one that pulled her closer, reassuring her that no matter what she said - no matter how misplaced it sounded - he would still understand.
Bella took another breath, finding that last shred of courage she needed.
"She has a father...and I don't want her to forget who he is."
Quil sighed the same time Bella reached up, brushing hot tears from her cheeks.
"Bella, I'm not trying to replace him," Quil murmured, squeezing her tighter to his side when he said it.
"I know," Bella sniffled, "but she doesn't."
Quil pondered what she said for a moment, his grip on Bella loosening slightly even though he didn't let go. Holding her breath, Bella wrung her fingers together in her lap before she peered up at Quil.
Surprising her when he looked back, offering her that trademark grin she remembered but hadn't seen in a really long time.
"She won't forget, Bella."
"How do you know?" Bella asked anyway, looking away from that smile. Wanting to know how he was so certain. "She's barely three years old, and I just worry about it...all the damn time these days."
Quil took a deep, ragged breath, his arm still draped firmly across Bella's shoulders.
"Because her dad wasn't the kind of guy someone can easily forget."
Bella smiled in spite of the tight ache in her chest, despite how Quil's words brought a fresh wave of tears to her eyes. It didn't matter because she knew how absolutely right he was.
Quil made a soft noise in his throat, like he was remembering something, giving her shoulder a squeeze as he decided to share it with her.
"Bella, he was the only person I knew who'd literally have the patience for stuff like potty-training, and the only person who would know exactly what to say when she was sad," Quil continued, a smile on his face and a fondness in his voice. "And...the guy could make mean Mickey Mouse pancakes."
Bella smiled, somehow ignoring the moisture on her cheeks as she glanced at Quil. "How did you know about that?"
Quil scoffed, but his grin stayed where it was. "Bella, he literally took the batter from Emily's hands one day when we were over there just to prove it," he explained, eyes warm as he spoke. "The entire pack had Mickey Mouse pancakes for breakfast that day. It was a little ridiculous, and so was how proud he was over it." Taking a deep breath, Quil's smile lessened just a little before he peered over at Bella. "But that's the stuff we won't forget...and something tells me Maddie won't either."
Bella was surprised as a laugh pushed its way through the tears in her throat, brought on as Quil brought the memory back to life.
"And that's not me, Bella. Never will be...mostly because I can't cook worth a crap and always say the wrong things," Quil assured with a chuckle. "But she'll remember all those things he did...the small ones that matter. I just want to be the annoying uncle she loves now and is embarrassed to be seen in public with when she hits thirteen."
The laughter came harder, and Bella found herself wondering what the hell she'd been so worried about in the first place.
"And if she ever starts to forget," he continued quietly, "then I guess I'll just have to make sure she doesn't."
The smile on Bella's lips faded, but the inexplicable ease inside her didn't.
"How?" she whispered.
Quil shrugged. "Maddie might not understand right now, but it doesn't mean we can't talk about him, Bella. Like we're doing right now. I know it's hard...trust me...but it doesn't mean we can't remind her, and maybe it'll get easier for us if we do."
Nodding, Bella reached up, sweeping her hair back with shaky fingers. Letting them fall to her side, she gripped the wood beneath her. Blinking rapidly, Bella swallowed through the tightness in her throat, watching a single, wet dot appear on her denim-covered thigh.
"God, I just miss him so much."
Quil released a swift breath, and before Bella knew it, his arm tightened around her frame. Gathering her closer to him as his fingers brushed her arm - back and forth, trying to comfort her as Bella let him - her head finding a home against his shoulder.
"I know, honey. Me, too...but we'll be okay. Promise."
I fucking love Quil. Anyway...
Thoughts?