With their cocks of fire
The chimeras penetrate
Fiery devilish cum launching fire
Filling them with their seeds of hate
There lie the embittered faggots
Humiliatingly raped
By creation's destroyers
Raped by the chimeras
And with one last set of chaotic blast beats, the black metal band called Bronycorpse finished off their song "Raped by the Chimeras." It was Saturday, the day that they normally met in the garage at the old abandoned house in the suburbs of Canterlot; also the day following the one in which their vocalist Hest Endetarm set the rabid raccoon on Fluttershy – she had since recovered, but they were now onto Hest, for they deducted that it was he who did it, and they didn't really trust any of his bandmates either; even so, they were pretty much all in the dark. Neither rhythm guitarist Satanik Pervertor, bassist Tartarus, drummer Discordia nor lead guitarist Flash Sentry were aware of Hest's "off-stage antics..."
"Dats... dat was alrights," Hest commented as his bandmates all panted to catch their breaths. "Buts it stills sucked! De drum weres way offs pace! Seriously, Discordias, haven't you learnsed anythings from Battle ins the Norths?!"
"Hey, Battles in the North was better than Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism and Pure Holocaust," Discordia retorted. "And besides, the drumming on that record, I think, makes it sound more chaotic – is that not kind of what we're going for?"
"Oh, whatsever," Hest shrugged, clearly dissatisfied. "Let's just play 'Demon's Chrysalis.' Are yous jackoff readys, or whats?"
"Yeah, sure," Pervertor, Tartarus and Flash all panted as they got into position on their instruments. Discordia then tapped 1-2-3-4 on the hi-hats, and they broke into fast, thrash metal-esque beats and riffs...
"Nos, nos, stop!" Hest bellowed. The instruments all ceased abruptly. "De guitar are offs sequence! What in de hells is with yous guy today?!"
"Hey, we're just playing it like we always have, man," Pervertor replied.
"Wells, it nots tight enoughs," Hest shot back. "Ands Flash!"
"What?"
"I've beens holding dis in for too long; dat guitars is so nots metal! Why don'ts you get sometings dat was actuallys made fors our kinds of music, likes an Ibanez Xiphos, or Jacksons King V, or someting?"
"Does it really matter what the guitar looks like," Flash questioned. "I've had this baby since freshman year. Just put on the right pickups, and you should be good."
"Oh, screws you guy!" Hest scoffed. "I'm takings five!" He trudged out of the garage and into the empty bowels of the abandoned house.
"Gee, I didn't know he was that... 'hardline,'" Flash squirmed. "How the heck do you guys manage to put up with it?"
"Well, it's not entirely his fault," Pervertor reasoned. "He really is a nice guy once you get to know him – he's just got a lot on his plate, that's all."
"What do you mean?" Flash asked.
"Poor guy comes from a poor family," Tartarus explained. "When he's not with us, he's spending his days cooped up in a crappy, dilapidated house in the woods on the edge of town, with no friends to go see him or anything. Hell, he's so poor, he can't even pay his own parking tickets."
"Oh... well, wouldn't he have been better off if he was a better driver?" Flash asked. "And how did he get away without paying for them, anyway? Shouldn't he be in jail, or something?"
"No," Tartarus replied. "I paid them off."
"Then again, it was my car he was driving," Discordia added.
"Seriously?" Flash asked incredulously. "Getting ticketed while using your car? Okay, that's seriously so low, I'm beginning to wonder why you still allow him in our band!"
"Easy, Flash," urged Pervertor. "That's just the kind of stuff that you get driven to when times are tough. Why, I even got him a big-ass BC Rich Bich double neck guitar – he's always said that he wants to have his own solo side act, like many great black metallers have."
"Like Varg Vikernes?" asked Flash.
"Exactly," said Tartarus. "It would be murder to prevent anyone from living out their dreams... which reminds me; how exactly did you manage to get here without your parents buggin' you, anyway, Flash?"
"I just told them I'd be hanging with Twilight Sparkle and Sunset Shimmer," Flash responded.
"Well played," commended Discordia. "But seriously, whatever's going on with Hest, the fact remains that he is our brother-in-arms. And brothers-in-arms stick up for each other."
"Like you guys did for me?"
"Exactly."
No sooner had Pervertor said that word, when Hest reemerged from the depths of the house back into the garage, having shaken off his earlier frustration. "Alrights, guy, let's takes it froms the top...!"
Of course, Hest Endetarm's situation was, in fact, nothing like what he'd claimed, as some of the Rainbooms were about to undercover. While Hest was rehearsing with Bronycorpse, his parents Geit and Heks had left to spend a day together sunbathing and getting "busy" on Canterlot Beach. And while they were out doing that, Twilight Sparkle, Sunset Shimmer and Pinkie Pie descended on their home for proof of what they'd read about them on the Metal Archives;
"Wait, this can't be right," Sunset quipped upon seeing the house. "It's so small, crappy and dilapidated; wouldn't they be living in a giant mansion, or something?"
"Maybe they're donating all that extra money to charity!" Pinkie Pie suggested. "It would get them a tax write-off; rich jackasses hate taxes, you know!"
"I wouldn't count on it, Pinkie," Twilight intoned. "Actually, this looks very much like someplace you'd find a creepy black metal guy; if I remember correctly, Dead and Euronymous were living in a hellhole a lot like this when Dead killed himself." She shivered. "By modern standards, Jack the Ripper would be jealous."
"Well, at least it'll be easier for us to work with," Sunset said as they approached the front door...
"Hey, it wasn't even locked!" Twilight and Pinkie exclaimed as Sunset effortlessly opened the front door.
"They're Norwegian!" Sunset quipped. "You girls think Canada is peaceful? Well, they're a war zone compared to Norway, heh heh! But seriously, here's the plan; Twilight, you're the computer genius of the bunch, right?"
"Uh, I guess you could say that."
"Right then," Sunset continued, "You go in and get on Hest's computer, and see what kind of dirt you can dig up on him. Pinkie Pie and I will stand guard out here at the door in case any of those Endetarms show up. We all clear?"
"Okey-dokey!" Pinkie Pie beamed. "We're gonna make Tommy Cruise and Sean Connery proud!"
"Yeah, sure," shrugged Twilight. And with that, she walked into the house, with Sunset closing the door behind her.
It was undoubtedly the creepiest house she had ever set foot into. The floor was covered with inverted pentagram rugs, and inverted crosses hung on the walls. Also mounted on the walls were pictures of the Endetarms along with various other Norwegian black metal musicians that she and her friends had read about while at the hospital; she couldn't identify them by sight, but she was certain that Ihsahn, Samoth, Faust, Necrobutcher, Hellhammer, and possibly Euronymous and Varg Vikernes were among them, and maybe even Dead, also...
After some looking around, Twilight found her way into one of the bedrooms; it only had one small twin bed, there was a desk with a laptop on it, a small HD TV on the bedside table, a really radical-looking double neck guitar sitting on a stand in the corner (much more sinister-looking than the one Rainbow Dash was ogling that one time), and the walls were covered with Satanic symbols and posters of various black metal bands whose logos she could not decipher. This, undoubtedly, was Hest's room, and the laptop was his computer – she had reached her target. Now all she had to do was get in...
Luckily for her, Hest's laptop was using Windows 7, not Windows 8 – that requires a password to get in all of the time, which doesn't necessarily hold true for 7. When the desktop loaded, Twilight got onto the Internet via Google Chrome, and then went onto Bookmarks – the Google Chrome equivalent for Favorites.
It turned out, Hest had bookmarked a lot of sites, most of which were to the websites of other metal bands, ranging from really famous bands to local bands whom he'd manage to befriend. But amidst all of those band pages, there was one link that stood out; "Bank Statements."
"Jackpot!" proclaimed Twilight as she clicked the link. To her surprise, she was taken right to his list of bank statements. Normally, there would be a password required to access sensitive information, and there was here; but Twilight didn't have to enter it because Hest had made it so that the browser saved the password, so that he wouldn't have to type it in every time he went onto a site that required a password. This, of course, would come with the consequence of allowing anyone to hack into those sites, as Twilight has just done.
She was presented with a number of statements spanning the course of a decade; the most recent of which dated to just last year; that would surely be the one that would provide the most accurate insight into the Endetarms' current financial situation, so she clicked on it. What she saw on the statement was very damning indeed;
The first part that stood out was what was on the upper left-hand corner of the statement. It was the name of the facility where Hest and his parents kept all their money; Cayman National Bank. Twilight's eyes immediately grew wide; she didn't have to read their address to know that this bank was located on the Cayman Islands down in the Caribbean. And the Cayman Islands had always been known as one of the world's most notorious tax havens, where rich individuals and corporations alike would hoard their money to keep their countries' governments from getting their hands on it. The Endetarms were no exception, as Twilight learned when she looked over to the top-right portion of the document.
There was where the family's net worth was stated: approximately $700,000,000 in cash and gold!
"That's even more than what the rumors claimed!" Twilight gasped. "Wow... I could've dated Hest for a few months."
The reason why they were worth more than what the rumors claimed was, as revealed in the statement, that those who perpetrated the rumors forgot that there was such a thing as a return rate. In other words, even though that rate was only 0.1%, that still translated into the Endetarms accumulating about $700,000 a month; in other words, they didn't even have to work. No wonder Hest was so unpleasant; he must've thought he could've gotten away with anything! Aside from that, Norway, being the social democracy/welfare state that it was, was also known for a ridiculously high tax rate, which placed much of that burden on the rich. No doubt that was why Endetarms had come to America in the first place — to escape those taxes; but evidently, as much the U.S. was known for catering to its ruling class, it still wasn't enough for the Endetarms, so they decided to store their money offshore so that the IRS couldn't get their hands on it, and they chose the Cayman Islands, since they would be much closer to them than Switzerland.
But by the list of expenses that was on the statement, one probably would've never figured that out. Their total expenses for that year were only around $30,000; just enough for them to get by without spending excessively. This all made sense; after all, it was very much the way famous Norwegian black metallers of the early 90's lived; in spite of their stacks of money, the Endetarms were still very much dedicated to the black metal ethos, and they probably wouldn't have liked the attention they'd have received from the commoners, either. Still, others might've called it fiscal conservatism gone mad...
Either way, Twilight felt like she'd gotten all of the proof she needed with this statement. Wasting not further time, she turned on the printer that was sitting beside the laptop, printed out the statement, folded it up, pocketed it, then turned off the printer and the computer, and left the room. She had to take care not to fall down the stairs in her flight.
It took a whole minute before Twilight exited the house with Sunset and Pinkie Pie flanking her.
"Well, Twilight, did you get it?" asked Sunset.
"Have we found the buried treasure?" joined in Pinkie Pie, excitedly. "How big is it? Enormous? Gigantic? Or even gynormous? Tell me, tell me, tell me!"
"I'll show you at the Boutique," explained Twilight. "Then, we'll just have to come up with a plan."
Sunset raised an eyebrow. "What sort of plan?"
"A plan that should have us save Flash and see Hest Endetarm behind bars..."
Hest himself, meanwhile, was walking back to his place, having just called it a day with band rehearsal. Needless to say, he was not satisfied; being the traditional elitist that he was, he was so focused with the belief that all of the instruments, as well as his vocals, should be totally perfect; as tight and as brutal as they could possibly be. And no matter how hard Discordia banged on his drums or how fast he blasted on them, no matter how far up Satanik Pervertor, Tartarus and Flash Sentry cranked up their amps and their distortion pedals, Hest just didn't think that they were good enough. This might've led some to wonder why they didn't crack under the pressure and kick him out of Bronycorpse, but Hest had managed to convince his bandmates that he was impoverished and struggling, and naturally, they'd believed him and took pity on him; if ever there was something that would've clued him in on his real situation, it surely would've been how unappreciative he seemed to be of when they reached out to him, and especially of the effort they put into the music...
That's when Hest looked up and saw Rainbow Dash going into her house from the front porch; she had been dozing on the porch for quite some time after having eaten a big meal, and now she was headed inside to take a big leak and an even bigger dump. But what really stood out to Hest was that she'd left her smartphone on the table on the porch...
"Ooh, yes!" Hest cackled with anticipation. "I wonders what sorts of dirts she has in deres!" With no one noticing, Hest snuck his way up onto the porch, took Rainbow Dash's smartphone and began to navigate through it;
He very quickly found the media folder and opened it; surely, there would be some music, photos or videos in there that he could use to smear her or use for blackmail. Again, he didn't have to look far; before long, he came upon a folder entitled; "Stuff for Soarin.'"
"Stuff for Soarins'?" Hest wondered. "Don't knows who dats is, but dis should bes good." He promptly opened the folder, and his jaw dropped when he saw what was on there.
"You have gots to be kiddings me!"
There were many photos, along with several videos, showing Rainbow Dash wielding her guitar and wearing a miniskirt, her usual black shorts, long boots... and nothing else. Every picture showed her striking a number of different sexy poses that flaunted both her guitar and her B-cup breasts, erect nipples and all (it must've been quite cold in her bedroom!). The videos were pretty much the same, except that they were also able to show her shredding on her guitar, playing face-melting licks that some might argue would've given Yngwie Malmsteen a run for his money (too bad she wasted those talents on girly pop music, huh?). This certainly would've been more than enough to get this Soarin' guy hot for her; Hest had no way of denying it, for he too got quite aroused going through this racy content...
But by no means was he interested in love; rather, he saw this saucy stuff as a vehicle for one of the trickiest, most sinister acts one can pull on another person: blackmail. Without hesitating - he had to act fast before Rainbow Dash returned - he right-clicked and copied all of the topless content, then he accessed the Internet, got onto his own e-mail account, opened a new message, pasted all of the topless content on as attachments, typed a short message to go with it, along with a street address; then, he typed in Rainbow Dash's own e-mail address in the "Send To:" box, and then hit "Send."
"Perfects," he chuckled. "At least by nows, I won't haves to pays with my own moneys so oftens."
He then exited out of everything, set the phone down in the exact position that he found it in, and then quickly ran off of the porch and down the sidewalk away from the house before anyone could catch him. Then, just as he got completely out of sight, Rainbow Dash emerged from the restroom back to the porch. Though she couldn't immediately tell that her phone had been hacked into, it was beeping, notifying her that she had just received an e-mail. Without thinking twice, she picked up the phone to check her e-mail, unaware of the dire shock she was about to receive...