...half dead inside, we'll never see (again)
When they arrived they saw Rick, Michonne and Carl outside on the porch. Carl was holding his sister and they looked like a happy family. Daryl smirked. The others seemed to be inside.
"Rick", Daryl called his friend.
"Finally", the sheriff said and stood up to greet them. "We were already worried."
"Yeah. Way took longer than I thought. Didn't find her."
Rick put his hands on Daryl's shoulder. "We will find her."
"Aye. Just wha' I said. Look we brought food", Connor said.
Rick walked over to both twins and greeted them with a nod. "Thanks you three. We are all hungry. This will help a lot." He then turned around. "Michonne. Go get the others."
"Where do we put the deer?", Murphy asked.
The hunter looked around and so did Rick. "We should do the bloody work outside and then maybe put it into the basement. Ya' guys know how to skin a deer?"
"Yeh funny. We worked at a meat packing factory."
"So is this a yes?", Daryl spit.
"Yeah. I worked at a butcher too. So fuck we help yeh", Connor answered.
The others came out and greeted them back. Everyone was excited and glad about the food and Carol told Maggie and the other girls to search for something to add to the flesh. Maybe they had some canned stuff left that was good enough. And they had found some tomatoes and stuff at Terminus.
Rick looked at Daryl and the hunter returned his gaze. "Need to talk to you for a second", the sheriff said.
"Conn' and Murph' ya can already go over to the bunch of trees at the backside. I'll follow." Connor nodded and smiled when he heard that Daryl had already gone over to call them with their shortcuts. Connor and Murphy were just around the corner, when Rick grabbed Daryl's arm. "Why were you gone so long?"
"I already told you." Daryl was confused. Why was Rick behaving like this?
"Never do that again. You said you will be back by nightfall. I stayed up all night waiting."
Rick was halfway yelling and halfway holding back his anger. His voice was only a rasp. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make ya' worry. Nothing happened and both of them are good shooters."
Rick nodded. "I don't wanna lose you - again! I need you by my side. You know why."
Daryl nodded. Yeah he could imagine. After seeing Rick how he ripped someones throat out with his bare teeth he knew his friend needed a break. They all had to work on their soul. While Daryl felt as if he needed to get softer, Rick had to become hard. They had gone through so much change that he barely recognized Rick. Rick looked more and more like a wild animal. "I know Rick." Daryl patted his friends shoulder.
The sheriff nodded again. "How did you deal with the two?"
Daryl smirked. "They are good people, Rick. Nothing to worry about. You should try to get to know them. I think you would like them."
"Maybe we should all have a little break this evening. With food and booze."
Both men smiled and agreed to it. "Great. I will help those two now before we don't have any food left."
"You do that. I will sent Glenn and Bob to get some fire wood."
Daryl nodded, clapped Ricks shoulder again and then went over to catch up with his two soulmates.
Connor and Murphy had already bound the deer to the tree and Connor had slit its throat. And Murphy had made a hole in the ground to catch the blood. So they could cover it with dirt and leaves afterwards. Daryl looked at the hole and smiled. Good idea. "Who did have the idea with the hole?"
"Was my idea. Thought we didn't want to have the smell here and attract walkers or bugs", Murphy explained.
Daryl grinned. "Ya' brain isn't as stupid as I thought."
For that Murphy slapped his arm and then tried to get him into a choke-hold to rub Daryl's head. He would have succeeded if not Connor would have interrupted him. "Murph' stop it."
Daryl huffed. "Get your hands off me."
"Okay. Okay. Yer all no fun."
After that they worked in Silence. Skinning the deer and getting rid of the insides. "Murphy, go get some spices from the kitchen. Ask Carol if they found some herbs in the boxes from yesterday", Daryl ordered.
"Aye." Murphy ran off to the house and Daryl sighed. He liked that guy. He could follow orders but would probably hit the shit out of everyone that was talking shit. Or if he wouldn't agree with something he would probably shoot around. Connor watched Murphy run to the house and was glad he had a minute alone with Daryl. "You okay?", Connor asked him.
"Yeah. Why ask?"
Connor was leaning against the tree and Daryl was standing in front of him, meeting his blue eyes. "Because we are back here. You are with your family."
"yeah, so?" Daryl had no idea where Connors thoughts were.
"You and Rick...what did he say?"
Daryl sighed. "He was only worried. We have been through a lot together and he was afraid of losing me. Which is quiet a new feeling for me", Daryl admitted. His eyes never leaving Connors. He could see Connor thinking and he could see how that man felt with him. As if he could feel what he feels. "I agree with him. Losing you would be a big loss for the group." - And for us, Connor added in thoughts.
"Thanks", Daryl whispered and broke the eye contact. He had to stop getting closer to the brothers. Getting too attached to someone in times like these would just make it worse when something happened to them.
He was glad that Murphy interrupted them. "Here", he reached Daryl what Carol had given him in the kitchen. "Yeah. Those will do."
They poked the deer on a stick and all three started rubbing the herbs and the spices into the flesh of the deer. When they were done Daryl and Connor carried it over to the fireplace that Glenn and Bob had arranged. They had found some dry hay and some wood. Connor sat down and lit the hay with his lighter. "This will take a while", Connor said.
"Aye."
"Murphy what do you think? Let us go back to that little lake and clean up a bit", Connor suggested to get a bit alone time with his brother, to talk to him.
"Sounds great."
Daryl followed the conversation and looked around. He saw the others near by so he just looked at Connor.
The Latter whispered: "I need some time with him. Don't want the others to hear."
"Agree. I will tell them I sent you to check out the area."
"Thanks." Connor held himself back from touching Daryl. Not sure if the hunter was so eager to let others see how fast he got so close with them.
Daryl watched the brothers entering the garage to grab some of their stuff and then leave. He was sitting in front of the fire, when Carl joined him. "Hi Daryl."
"Hi Buddy."
"You didn't find Beth?"
"No. I'm sorry." Carl nodded.
"It's not your fault. I miss her. She was nice." Daryl felt a knot in his throat.
"She was very nice. We are going to find her."
"I hope so. Can I help?"
"Buddy, you can help your dad. He needs you and Judith needs you. But as soon as I need help I will ask you, okay?" Carl smiled and then stood up and walked over to Maggie who was holding Judith in her arms. Daryl watched everyone. Rick was talking to Michonne, Carol and Tara seemed to be inside, probably preparing something to eat. Glenn and Bob just came back with more wood and Abraham was lying underneath one of the cars. Maybe checking if they were good enough for the ride to Washington. Eugene was talking to him and Rosita was sitting against a tree watching them. His thoughts wandered to the two guys missing at the scenery. Murphy and Connor were bathing in the river now. Talking about last night. I wondered what Murphy would say. He would never admit it but he was already missing them. Perhaps more than he missed Beth.
Fuck. Daryl poked a stick into the fire and snorted. What the fuck was wrong with him? Since when was he such a pussy? Hugging, kissing a mans ear, let a man sleep on his shoulder. Missing someone. He was about to go insane. That's it. Or those Irish fuckers had given him drugs or some Irish witchcraft. Stupid leprechauns.
"Careful. You are hurting the fire", a soft and amused voice said next to him. He didn't need to look up to know it was Carol.
"What do you want?", he said angrier than intended.
"You know what I want." Daryl looked up to her and frowned. She was smiling all over her face.
"Stop it. With your flirting."
"Pookie. you are a charmer. Okay, joke aside. I just wanted to check on you. We haven't really spoken and I missed you a lot when Rick sent me away."
Daryl shook his head in agreement. "I missed you too. Where were you?"
She sighed and sat down next to him. "First I was driving in the other direction. Wanted to go to Washington or New York. But then I turned around and stayed near the prison and then I saw that you were under attack. I was already late and saw the bus leaving, saw you run away and saw Tyresee alone with three kids. So I went after him."
"I am glad you did."
He smiled at her and squeezed her hand. Carol was surprised by the touch and flinched a bit. She watched her friend carefully. She knew he could snap easily. His moods changed faster than someone could blink. Much to her surprise he didn't flinch and it was as if he had always touched her without hesitation. What had happened to him?
"And Beth?", she asked.
Daryl took his hand away, poking the fire again. "We went out together. Ran for days. Found shelter in a funeral home. Got attacked. Told her to wait outside for me and when I ran after her she was kidnapped. I ran the whole night. Trying to find her. Couldn't. Then gave up."
"You will find her. You will. This time you will succeed." They looked at each other. Knowing that she was speaking of Sofia. The one time Daryl failed. He couldn't find that girl. "I hope so", he whispered.
"You changed."
"What do you mean?", his voice rough again.
"You seem softer."
"I am not. I am just tired."
Carol looked at him again and then decided to leave him alone. His mood was changing and when she knew one thing about Daryl Dixon, then to leave him alone until he is able to talk about it. He needed his time with things and she didn't want to push him. She was glad to have him back. Even so she knew that they would never be a couple. But sometimes she wished she had met him earlier. Before Ed.
She stood up and walked inside the house again. Daryl watched her leave. He had changed. The question was if that change was good or not.
Same time at the lake
The brothers had stripped off their clothes, weapons on the edge of the lake, and their rosary's next to them. They were swimming a bit and Connor was glad to get the dirt out of his hair and from his skin. At least a bit. The water was ice cold and he knew they couldn't stay in there forever but he was enjoying the wetness. Murphy was smiling and diving his head under water, running his fingers through his black hair. Connor watched him a while and swam back to the land, lifting him up with one move and shaking himself like a dog, to get some of the water off his body. He put on his boxers and then sat down to let the water dry a bit. Even so it was nearly too cold to do so. When Murphy came out of the water he too shook his whole body and put on his briefs. Then sat next to Connor. Connor looked at Murphy's back. He had scars on it from Merle's attack and his arm had this ugly wound from where he got shot during their first mission as the saints. And of course it was ugly because they head cauterised it with an iron. He knew there were little scars all over his brothers body from several injuries they had but every time he saw him naked it made him angry and sad. "So, you wanted to talk", Murphy broke the silence.
"Yeah. Abou' last night."
"Aye."
"Yeh kno' after I kissed yeh g'night Daryl looked so sad. I asked him why. And he said tha' not once someone had wished him g'night like tha'. Not even his mom."
"Oh", Murphy sighed.
"He told me tha' he wished we would have met earlier to save him. He didn't say much but his mum always drank, his dad was an asshole and Merle...yeah we know Merle. I believe Daryl was abused as a kid", Connor finished and looked at his brother.
"Tha' explains why he flinches when I touch him. Yeh kno' how I am. I just wanted to clap his shoulder and he retreted."
"Aye. But...", the older twin held his breath and then said: "I may have done something."
"Wha'?" Murphy watched his brother as he turned his head to look into the distance. "I wanted to make him feel better. Like I always do with you. I don't kno' why I did it. I kissed his forehead. I would have even accepted a punch or a death thread but instead he let it happen. As if he needed it more than anything else. God..Murph'..Daryl thinks he is not good enough to be loved and tha' he is not worth to survive."
Murphy shook his head. "Tha' is so messed up. Yer not supposed to have these feelings for him. He is not yer brother. I am. I agree that he needs someone. And I agree that he maybe needs someone to open up to. He chose you and you are the best person I kno'...I just... Don't let it get to yeh. I kno' yer always tryin' to save everybody. But some can not be saved. We should make him believe in himself. Nothing more." Murphy stopped. He was too angry and too jealous for this. He doesn't want to share his brother. Not with someone looking like him.
"Murph' yeh sound jealous. I swear yer always my first choice. I would always choose you over other people. Hell, if I am ever goin' to meet the love of my life I would gladly leave her for yeh. But yeh said so yerself. Daryl feels already like family. And yeh know I do everythin' for family." Connor buried his head in his palms and let out a noise of frustration. Murphy watched his brother and snorted. This was a mess.
"I don't know Conn'. It all went too fast, too soon, too much at once. We should try to slow this whole thing down. Whatever this thing is."
"So yer tellin' me if he needs help I am not helpin'?"
"Yeah?" The twins looked at each other. And Connor nodded.
"Aye. Then I will do tha'. You kno' I would never do somethin' to upset yeh. I hope Daryl will understand. Murph' you should have seen him. He is so broken and when he hugged me I could feel him relax. He will be a pain in the ass if we ignore him. But tha's wha' we will have to do then."
Connor knew he would have a hard time ignoring Daryl. And he knew this wasn't going to end well. But he also was sure that Murphy was jealous and that it was pretty much obvious that he didn't want Daryl so close. Maybe because he couldn't feel that intense burning or maybe just because he knew that it would change everything. Connor was always at Murphy's side. But with two brothers he would have to decide every time. He would always chose his twin but his twin didn't seem to believe that.
Murphy felt horrible. He didn't want Daryl to suffer but his fear of losing Connor to someone else was just too big. What if Connor would stop sleeping next to him? Stop being so close? Stop being his brother? Who would be there when Murphy's nightmares start again? Who would help him with his bullet wounds? His injuries? He had spent his whole life alongside his brother and he was not going to lose that. On the other side he was hurting someone else. Murphy sighed. This was so fucked up. He didn't want to hurt anybody. "Conn'?"
"Hm?"
"Are you mad at me?"
Connor shook his head. "O'Course not. I understand you. Even so I wish you would think different abou' it." Connor ruffled his brothers hair and smiled. Then he stood up and put his clothes on. Murphy watched him for a second. Then decided to get dressed too.
It was time to meet the group and talk to them. Avoiding Daryl. Connor sighed. How does someone ignore someone that is already in someone's heart?
Back at the house they saw Daryl sitting next to the fire and turning the deer around. They went past him, into the garage, putting their stuff there and then entered the house. Connor went over to Carol, to see if he could help and Murphy was sitting next to Carl on the couch. Playing with Judith. That made Connor smile. His little brother loved kids. Just like himself.
"Hi Carol", he said.
"Ah. Hello Connor."
"Yeh need any help?" The women shook her head.
"No I'm good. Maggie and Tara helped me. And now we are only waiting for the flesh to get ready. So we can serve everything the same time."
"That sounds so good. Murph' and me haven't had flesh in month."
"Yeah. It's nice that Daryl went hunting."
"Aye. Good hunter tha' guy."
Carol nodded and put some fruits into a bowl. Dessert.
"He is a good guy. He seems to like you and your brother."
Connor nodded and felt a unknown pain in his chest. "How do you know?"
Carol turned around, leaning her back against the counter of the kitchen, looking at Connor who was standing next to her. "Let me tell you about Daryl. He never trusted anybody when I first met him. He was hard, always yelling, always angry and was always punching and shooting before speaking. Everyone thought he was like his brother Merle. A violent asshole."
"Yeah we met that one."
Carol raised an eyebrow. "Where?"
"Back at Woodbury. He beat the crap out of us because he thought Murph' was Daryl. Murph's whole back is covered in scars from him. We got out of that fucked up place as soon as we heard they were goin' to attack a prison."
"Does Daryl know about Murphy and Merle?"
"Yes. Murphy told him."
"Good. Yeah, where was I..ah yeah. And then he started searching for my little girl. She got lost in the woods and he kept on searching for days. He nearly got killed twice. That's when we first saw the kindness in him. After we found her...dead, he wanted to be alone. Was angrier then ever before. I come from an abused relationship and went up there one day and he nearly beat me but stopped himself. Daryl has had a hard life. And it needed an apocalypse to show him that he is needed. But he doesn't see it. He thinks he is worthless. Daryl is the most fragile and the strongest person in here. And him making friends with you two so fast does mean something. Maybe he saw something in you." Carol looked at Connor with a smirk. Then tapped his shoulder and added: "If you hurt him or anyone in this group I make sure you will regret it."
Connor raised his hands. "Wait. Stop. We don't want to hurt anybody. Thank you for telling me all this about Daryl. I think I should go now. And uhm..I am sorry about your girl."
Carol shrugged and Connor made his way back to the garage. He leaned against the wall. Fuck. FUCK! He needed to get drunk. Very soon and very fast.
He heard the door open but wasn't looking at whoever came in. He guessed it was Murphy. The person was now standing in front of him. He felt the person coming closer and he opened his eyes. Daryl. What on earth was he doing in here?
"How did it go?", Daryl whispered.
He was so close that Connor could smell him and feel his breath on his cheek. "I told him."
"And?"
"Everythin' is good." Connor was lying but how could he tell the truth. He would hurt Daryl.
Daryl came even closer and kissed Connors cheek. Which made Connor close his eyes and sigh. He grabbed Daryl and pulled him into a hug. Then he whispered. "I am sorry."
"For what?"
"Everything."
Daryl tried to get away from Connor but Connor was holding on to him. Not giving him one inch to move. Daryl snapped. "You are sorry? About last night?"
Connors breath was heavy, his voice broke when he said: "Yes. I shouldn't have done it. You are nobody. Not my brother. I barely know you." It was so wrong. So fuckin' wrong. But he had to. He had to make sure Murphy was happy. He had to get rid of Daryl. Maybe he could make Daryl hate him. Punch him. Beat him up. Maybe this wouldn't hurt so much as the thing inside his chest and soul. Connor was hurting a good person. He shouldn't call himself a saint anymore. He was evil. Just because he wanted his brother to relax.
Daryl tried to get away from him but when he couldn't he raised his fist and punched Connors jaw. Connor let go of Daryl and grabbed his jaw. "Fuck yeh tha' hurt." He looked at Daryl, his eyes were black, cold and every emotion blocked behind a wall. Connor had hurt im in the most horrible way.
"I hate you", Daryl said and tried to get out the door but Connor grabbed his wrist. "I am sorry", he said and got another punch for that. He was so angry that he started hitting Daryl too. Soon he could feel his eye hurt, his jaw, his stomach and none of them had noticed Murphy who was yelling at them. "STOP IT! Yer killin' each other."
Murphy tried to get a hold of Connor and pull him away from Daryl who was lying on the ground. He had stopped to struggle and just let Connor beat him. He had no idea what happened but seeing Connor in rage and saying that he had made a mistake was too much. It was all that he thought. He wasn't good enough for them. He would never be their soulmate, their brother. He wouldn't mind to die. He saw that Murphy was struggling his brother now and he slowly stood up and went outside. Murphy giving him an apologizing stare. Murphy then looked at Connor. "Wha' was tha' all abou'?"
Connor didn't answer. He went over to his backpack and pulled out a rag to clean himself up. He had blood everywhere but it didn't matter. Blood was better than the feeling of blankness inside of him. He just had beaten someone he liked. He had beaten someone that got abused as a kid. He had...he had beaten a brother half to death. He felt tears in his eyes and felt his brother hugging him. This was not good. This was bad. This was a mess. He felt dead inside. Empty. The burning was gone. Everything just went black.
I am so so so so sorry. Uhm...actually no I am not. My stories wouldn't be my stories if there wouldn't be any drama. I want to warn you guys the next chapters will be awfully dramatic and there will be triggerwarnings!