Vengeance

by Callace

Season seven, shortly after Lies My Parents Told Me. After each their failed attempt, Wood and the First team up to take Spike down. Meanwhile, Angel comes to town, to help stop the coming apocalypse. BtVS/AtS crossover. ABS. Though clearly Spuffy-centric, we've tried to do justice to the BA - relationship too, as well as the complicated frienmity between Spike and Angel

10. Step by Step

Chapter 10: Step by Step

They had sat in fear in the waiting room for what felt like days, but most likely was merely a few hours. There were so many who were still injured, who was going to be the one to die? Selfishly, but truthfully, they feared Buffy's outcome the most. No one here deserved to die, but over the years, and even today ones they had loved had been taken away from them. It didn't matter if they had already faced her death before, none of them had been willing to except it then, how could they handle it now? They had stayed this way in fear until the news of their friend was finally delivered.

The doctors had told them that she had reached the hospital just in time to get the blood she needed to survive. They had patched her up and kept her there for most of the day, but come nightfall, when Buffy insisted on moving on with the others in the bus, nobody held her back. She was a homeless refugee without any insurance card after all, and after that bus had come, they had plenty enough of those staying there already.

With the hospital trip over with they were now well on their way to the Hyperion Hotel. This was a stop she was not looking forward to making. No one wanted to spread the news that Angel gone. She hated the idea of having to make his friends as miserable as she felt right now. Regardless, they would be there in no time whether Buffy was ready or not. Part of her hoped to get there this instant; she could get it over with and everyone could make their way down the road to recovery. Then there was another part of her, that pesky part, which hoped they'd get stuck in heavy L.A. traffic. Sure, she'd be sitting there fidgeting in anxiety, but at least she wouldn't be in front of them, Angel's team's eyes all fixed on her, demanding that she keep her cool while she give them the horrible news of his demise. No, they'd never expect that. Not with her history with him, but that's what her position felt like to her. Once again she was called upon to have strength, even if the burden of being a Slayer had significantly been lifted off of her shoulders.

The bus came to a stop. It was time to face the music. She rose from her seat and immediately went to Spike. She had completely neglected him this entire time, lost in her own depressing thoughts. She really wouldn't have been much help to him in that state anyway.

She gently placed a hand on Spike to stir him in case he was dreaming. She could only imagine what kind of dreams he was suffering through. There it was, more suffering, it never seemed to end.

Spike slowly rose as best he could, seeing that the sun had set now, he didn't bother to pay mind to the blanket around him. He was thrilled not to be contained any longer, though with his inability to move he might as well be contained within himself. He was no longer a prisoner of chains and torture devices, but a prisoner of body and mind. That didn't seem much better to him. New pain that was starting to run throughout his body made it all the more difficult to go about each moment. He wanted to be healed, better, and then he could leave all of this behind him. If only he could hurry up the healing process. If only he could get back to who he was and stop feeling like a helpless baby that needed the care of the able adults. If only…

Buffy lifted Spike up, grateful for her super strength, but also once again picking up on how painfully thin he was. Her blood surely helped him, but it was going to take a lot more nourishment for him to start putting on the pounds that he so desperately needed. One thing at a time. First, she needed to get him inside, comfortable, talk to Angel's friends, and then she could deal with healing Spike. Her list was interminable, but if she went about it one thing at a time maybe eventually everything would be stable again. She'd be able to breathe again. She just needed to be strong for a little while longer. With that thought in mind she looked down at Spike, helpless in her arms as she carried him into the hotel. Fear gripped her by the throat. How could she ever begin to help him? She wanted to so badly, but what if? What if she wasn't able to? What if she lost him too?

"My word!" Wesley's voice came out as the gang entered The Hyperion. He stood at the front desk, a book in hand, gazing in shock at his newly arrived guests.

Buffy didn't hesitate to make herself at home. Well, actually she was making Spike at home. She laid him down on a couch very gently, but she couldn't help but notice the grimace that fell over his face. He was in pain. She could see how miserable he looked. With a groan of her own, she had to recognize that he wasn't the only one. She was really grateful for that coach, as her injured abs were telling her clearly that they weren't gonna take part in moving him another inch.

"What happened?" Wesley's voice came through again as Giles and Willow sat down in chairs nearby.

Right. Wesley. I have to deal with him too. That's why we're here. Angel.

Buffy's attention had to be everywhere at once and that fact alone felt impossible. It was a lot to handle. She knew that going into this. There was a lot riding on her in that moment, people's feelings, their welfare, helping everyone through. She could do this, one thing at a time. She just had to remember one thing at a time.

Buffy sat down by Spike's head, her hand aimlessly running through his hair, comforting him from whatever pain that he was in. "Wesley, we have some news. Are you alone?"

"No…"Wesley looked around.

It was then that Winifred Burkle and Charles Gunn made their way inside the hotel, Gunn carrying a weapon in his hand, leaving it on the counter aimlessly. Their new company had not gone unnoticed. They made their way near Wesley, sharing a mix expression of concern and confusion.

"Everyone, this is Buffy Summers." Wesley announced.

"The Buffy…You mean the one that Angel's so…" Gunn looked to Wesley and then immediately cut himself off.

Buffy looked down. It seemed that Angel had talked about her. He still mentioned her. Of course, he did. She wasn't cookies yet, but he had wanted her to be after all this time. That wasn't news to her, but now that he was gone it somehow managed to feel brand new. It hurt all the more because of it.

"So, what's happening? Look like you need our assistance with something." Gunn quipped.

Giles spoke up, picking up on his former Slayer's pain, feeling the need to shield her from the burden of having to explain Angel's demise. "No, that part is already done. I'm sure you're aware…"

Buffy cut him off, standing now, not seeing the slight pout that formed on Spike's face when she had taken away physical contact. "No, Giles. Let me."

Giles nodded his head understandingly allowing her to go on.

"I'm sure Angel told you that there was a mission in Sunnydale. The end of the world sort of deal that seems to happen there on a yearly basis." Buffy explained.

"Yes, there was something in particular that he had to do for this." Wesley responded.

Buffy had hoped by the mention of Angel that they would have known where she was going with this already, especially since he was currently not one of the ones with them in the room at the time. Still, you see what it is that you want to see. You make up excuses when the painfully obvious is staring you right in the face. They needed to hear the words; otherwise, their minds would continually protect them from a truth that none of them should have had to face. "That's right. He did that. He saved the world doing that." Buffy gazed at them withdrawn. She was on autopilot, speaking but thinking of what she had to do after this. She needed to get Spike comfortable, she needed to see how Xander was doing, she needed to speak with Giles about what the newfound slayers' futures would be. She thought of these things as her mouth kept talking, sharing with them the truth that she didn't want them to hear. It was a truth that she didn't want to feel anymore. She was there in body, but never in mind. She couldn't be. "He was happy. He felt forgiven. He believed he was atoned for the sins of his past. He died a hero."

At the word died the three of them reacted at the same time. Fred chocked out a sob, Wesley stood in his place stunned, and Gunn looked down in complete disbelief letting out the word "Oh, Man…" that could barely be heard. Grief was hitting them in different ways and Buffy had the pleasure of watching it happen.

"No. He can't be dead! He just can't be." Fred was practically shaking.

Wesley gripped her arms, trying to calm her. "Fred, it's alright. It's going to be okay."

"No, it's not. Wesley, it's not." Fred shook her head as tears streamed down her face. "It's not right! It's not fair. He gave the world everything and now he's a pile of nothing." Fred fell into Wesley's arms, sobbing into his shoulder, arms wrapped around him tightly as he held her back with all the comfort he had within him. Gunn was too distraught to even notice

Buffy watched all of them, unable to move, unable to speak. She wasn't able to do anything at all. It was clear that no one else knew what to do either. Willow was tearing up herself at the sight of pure distraught that filled the air. Xander looked away knowing all too well how they felt at that moment. Giles wore an expression of sympathy. None of them offered anything. What do you offer up in a moment like this? False words of comfort that you have no way of making sure will come true.

Buffy made her way back over to Spike, but didn't look at him as she sat down. Still, her hands made their way into his hair comforting herself as much as she was comforting him.

Spike wasn't much aware of what was going on around him. He couldn't hear a word. All he could focus on was the pain that was developing from within. No, it wasn't just from within. That burning sensation would have been enough, calling it a burning sensation was putting it lightly, but there was an irritating pressure on his exterior. His back, the way he was laying, wounds were awakening.

Bloody hell, Slayer! Are you completely daft? Not in enough pain. Tryin' to see how much more piled on I can take?

He looked towards Buffy with aggravated eyes.

Buffy gazed at him in confusion. He seemed upset with her. Why? What had she done? She was sitting here, comforting him while delivering very painful news, taking in their pain, trying to ignore her own on top of the exhaustion that she felt. She was taking all of this on and she was still managing to do something wrong!

Spike saw that she wasn't getting it. Did he have to spell it out for her? He couldn't right now and the pressure on his back was starting to itch. He tried to wiggle, but it only increased more of the same feeling while managing to jar a few other injuries in the process. He nudged Buffy with his head forcing her attention on him. He wasn't letting her off until she fixed this. There was nothing that she could do about the sharp pains that he was feeling inside, but she very well could do something about his back, and she was going to!

Realization finally hit Buffy and she jumped up immediately, horrified by her own actions. She knew she was distraught and tired, but was she completely stupid? "Oh Spike, I'm so sorry." She lifted him up gently off his abused back. She had been so gentle about putting him down, but it didn't matter how gentle she was, various parts of his back had been stripped of its skin. The bandages provided protection, the blood had helped with the healing, but it was still sore. No wonder he was in such misery. When she sat down, she leaned him up against herself, cradling him, careful of his injuries this time.

Great, Buffy. You're off to a real good start. Why don't you give him a good comforting pat on the back while you're at it? Dummy.

She could feel his body practically shaking. Had it been that bad what she had done to him? He sure was in a lot of pain. She didn't like this. She needed to stop this for him somehow. She was not going to have him suffer on her account. There had been too much of that. All she needed to do was look around the room and she could see such pain as clear as day. Not for him. No, she was going to help him. He was going to get better and that was final. She could do this! She could do this. Step by step. She could do this. No more fear. No more doubt. Just help him, preferably without damaging his injuries this time around.

The room was quiet, Fred's sobs had ceased for the time being, as Angel's team's eyes fell onto Buffy once more. Fred spoke softly. "Did he?... Did he say anything in his final moments? Did he even have final moments?"

Buffy nodded. "He did. He thought of you guys right to the end. He asked me to tell you that he loves all of you, and that he's counting on you to keep up the good fight now that he's gone, like he would for any of you."

That was all it took to set the waterworks off on Fred again, she hugged into Wesley all the more. Gunn had to look away once again as Wesley stood like stone. It was clear that he was feeling this deeply, it was hitting him hard, but Buffy could tell that he was simply being British about it. Moments passed without words, complete silence, even Fred's sobbing had ceased. There was nothing. Not a thing to be shared. Depression was strangling them all.

"Who died?" Lorne asked in a sort of amusement as he made his way down the steps of the hotel.

Fred clasped a hand over her mouth at Lorne's words by means of keeping her tears at bay, a chocked cry escaping nevertheless.

Lorne's eyes widened in horror as he noticed the condition of the company they were keeping. "Who died?"

No one said anything for a moment.

"Angel!" Fred bawled while hiding her face in Wesley's neck for the third time since coming home.

Lorne simply sat down on the stairs. Had his ears deceived him? Had he actually heard that Angel was dead? Oh no. No. Not him. Not this too. This was too much. There was no drink in the world strong enough for him to be able to begin dealing with this. He sat there, in shock, gloom, trying to wish it five minutes ago when he was perfectly happy not knowing. No, actually he wanted to will himself three days ago so he could keep him from walking out of this hotel and going to Sunnydale in the first place. Perhaps that wasn't the heroic thing to do, but it'd beat having his friend dust.

Gunn shook his head. "I'll tell ya. I knew this world was dangerous, but people around here keep dropping like flies."

Buffy looked up at him with interest. "Who else have you lost?"

Wesley sighed. "Cordelia is in a coma."

Now, Xander needed to sit down. Numb, aching, all in one. He couldn't react. No one could.

Silence took over permanently. There was nothing more anyone could say.

***************************************************

The hotel was filled with mourning, but still Angel's team extended hospitality towards them and invited everyone to stay at the hotel for as long as they needed. There was plenty of room after all given that it was a hotel. Since it was no longer used in such a way it wasn't as if a reservation were needed. It was during this invitation that another suggestion had been brought up. Angel's team was left without Angel himself. Though each of his team members were capable in their own way, having someone like Angel around allowed for taking on cases to be much easier. Buffy, her friends, this was what they had done for years. So, it was settled. They would join forces. After all, there may now be an abundance of Slayers in this world, but there was also an abundance of evil left. She would always be needed in one way or another and right now it looked as though she was needed her. But first, before that, Spike took priority.

Buffy had found her way upstairs and selected a room that she could stay in with Spike, so that he could relax and be cared for. After snagging pillows from some of the other hotel rooms nearby, she made up a nice bed for him that he could lay on without aggravating his injuries further. She was still chastising herself silently for the carelessness she had afflicted on him earlier. That was not going to happen again. She didn't care how much was going on, he couldn't look out for himself right now. He was completely dependent on the people around him and right now, she was his people. She wouldn't let him down. Not this time.

After the room was set up for him, the curtains drawn tightly against the sun that would rise once morning came, Buffy arranged for Spike to be retrieved from the lobby and carried upstairs. Upon reaching the room he would be staying she helped to carefully angle him down on the bed before sitting by his side facing him.

Before she could ask him how he was doing she saw his body had broken out into an episode of heavy shivers. It wasn't as though vampires were known for getting cold; They always kept the temperature that was around them, and never seemed bothered by that. This was him reacting to deep pain. All that time he had been downstairs he had been suffering. She had known this to a certain degree, but she chalked it up to her own stupidity. She didn't know just how bad things had gotten for him. But what was the root cause of it? There were so many injuries it could be any number of them. How was she going to help if she didn't know the source?

"Spike." Buffy spoke to him gently.

There was no response. He simply shook and bit down on his bottom lip through the hurt that had taken over his poor abused body.

"Spike." Buffy spoke a little louder trying to get his attention. This time he looked at her, though it was a gaze glazed over with suffering.

"Spike, where does it hurt?" Buffy inquired.

He stared at her for a moment, processing what she was asking. Confusion fell over his face once her question had soaked in. How was he going to her tell that? He couldn't talk. He couldn't point. He had no real way of communicating any of what he was feeling to her. So, he did the only thing he could do, he did a small wiggle with his body as much as he could. If he had the ability to make sound a slight whine probably would have escaped his lips along with it. He felt it rise up in his throat, but there was no escape for it, and that only served to make the burning of his body feel all the worse.

Buffy stared at him baffled before exasperation took over. "Okay. I have no idea what that means."

Even through the pain Spike was able to give her a pointed look of annoyance.

"Hey. Don't look at me that way. You try playing charades with…well…you right now! Bet you wouldn't be giving me lip about it then. Not that you can give me lip, but if you could talk you'd be giving me lip." Buffy sighed and then thought for a moment. He wiggled. He didn't look at any place in particular. He just wiggled. Maybe that's because it wasn't one place. Maybe it was all of him? "Does your whole body hurt? Well, the wounded areas. Which is basically your whole body anyway."

Spike rolled his eyes before allowing himself to nod, confirming her thoughts. His face was bright red from the pain that he was in. He was sweating and if he could have the ability there was no question that he would have been breathing heavily too. The prolonged pain came with fresh images of the torture that had caused it. The thought of the scalpel blades cutting through his skin and all the way down to the ribs, before they were broken too had never been able to leave his mind and they certainly were never able to leave his dreams. This was worse, even, than when the chip went off randomly, and nearly made his head explode. Now, there was fierce, burning pressure all the way down his midsection, erupting from the cavity where his lungs should be. He felt stabbed in a hundred different places, where his disjointed fragments of bones were poking out at odd angles and trying to knit themselves together in a better way. His insides were sharp, thorny, and set ablaze. He wanted to holler, but when he opened his mouth there was nothing, not even a squeak.

What was going on? Her heart was pounding in her chest as she scooped him up into her arms very gently. She couldn't get him out of his curled up position, or as curled as he could get given the condition of his ribs. "Spike, what's wrong? Show me. What's going on?"

Her voice sounded so far away he hardly noticed that she was talking. There was nothing beyond the lava that seemed to have been poured within his insides. Spike squeezed his eyes shut tight, willing these sensations away, but all that came was tears spilling down his face, as he was unsure that he could take another second of this torture. There was nothing he could do to give himself the illusion that he was fighting through his suffering. He couldn't swear. He couldn't pound on the bed or grip the blanket with his hands. Nothing! He had to lay there and suffer and cry in hysterics like a small child. Again, so much of his behavior reminded him of that of an innocent baby, but this time he found that he was beyond caring.

She knew that she wasn't going to be able to get an answer from him. He wasn't exactly easy to communicate with these days. What was she going to do? How was she going to help him if she didn't know what was wrong?

What if I'm losing him? Right now!

No! She didn't accept that. Pain didn't kill vampires, even torturous pain. Sunlight, a wooden stake, decapitation, fire, and that oh so special poison Faith had once used could kill vampires. An extreme amount of suffering was not going to make him dust. She was not about to lose him too. He was simply miserable, but that was not something that she was going to stand for either. Enough was enough! She was going to help him. He was going to get better. He was going to be himself again one day, but right now, she needed to get him through this painful healing process. That had to be what it was, the aftermath of receiving so many injuries.

Buffy eyed the way that he was positioned as she gently ran her fingers through his hair trying to provide what little comfort she had to offer in that moment. She took note of where his arms were. They were across his middle, his hands positioned in a way that they remained unbothered, but his arms hovered above the abused area of his ribs. Was it mostly the healing of broken bones? Or…

Then it hit her. Angel's realization. The reason he had been stitched up. She thought she was going to be sick. In fact, if Spike hadn't needed her gentle touch just then she most definitely would have given into temptation. He had been operated on. Whoever had harmed him had made it so that he could not speak or breathe. Vampires healed fast, and as she had learned after he had been paralyzed all those years ago, they had an ability of regrowth. That bit of Slayers blood had only done its job to help get the healing going all the quicker. Spike's lungs were coming back and they were letting him feel it every step of the way. When she got her hands on the person who had done this to him whoever it was was going to wish that she had let The First end the world. Spike was still being tortured by them. They had gotten him out of that lab, freed from the clutches of his captors, and yet he was still continually being hurt. In the midst of all her rage, though, Buffy suddenly got and idea of how to help him.

"Spike, I think I may have something that can help you. Just hold on one second." Buffy wasn't sure that he had registered what she had said, but it didn't stop her from getting up from the bed and dashing from the room. In mere moments she would hold the thing that could take his suffering away. There was no time to waste.

She returned quickly and sat down on the bed besides him, noting that he had not moved since she had left. Though he turned his head up slightly, acknowledging her return. "I have something to help you."

He tilted his head to the side.

"Look." She held out her hand revealing painkillers that were resting in her palm. "Pain meds. Potent stuff! These should knock you right out, and give you a long, much needed sleep.

Spike saw the pills in her hand and heard her words, and then suddenly, he was no longer there. He was back standing at Buffy's lawn in Sunnydale, alertly searching for any Bringers, or other nasties that the First might have brought with it. Then he saw Wood pulled out that gun, and a second later, felt the sting of the dart in his neck, and the irresistible drowsiness that came with it and took him down.

Spike eyed the painkillers in horror, backing away as best he could, shaking his head madly in protest. He needed the use of his hands. He needed a better more fit body. He needed to be able to get those things away. More than that, he needed speech. She needed to understand that there were no way in Hell that he'd let himself fall into such drug induced sleep ever again! It was lost on her. The confused look on her face showed him just that. How could he make her see?

Buffy was confused to say the least. She thought he would have been relieved, scooped the pills up fast, and given her a look that told her she was a moron for not thinking to do this sooner. Instead, well, it seemed as though he thought she was a moron for trying to ease his suffering. Did he want to suffer? Was this some weirdo side effect that came along with his soul that made him think he deserved to suffer? Then again, he had allowed himself to heal up from past tortures as well as allowing for her to care for him in the past. What was this? What was causing this reaction? What could have been done to him while he was away that would make him so resistant to a few harmless pills?

"Spike. What's wrong?" She slowly inched herself closer to him, but continued to keep a safe enough distance. She didn't want to startle or intimidate him while he was in this frame of mind. He clearly needed his personal bubble while she held what he considered to be as bad as poison. "Help me understand."

He gave her a frustrated, desperate look. He couldn't make her understand. He couldn't speak. He couldn't write. He couldn't gesture. There was nothing he could do, aside from being adamant that he was not going to accept her offering. He continued to give the pills pointed angry looks, shook his head at her again, slow and firmly, and pressed his jaws together, into something like a soundless snarl. His arms tensed up, as if getting ready to reach out and toss those things away, although of course, his splintered, useless hands would be in no shape even for that.

She met his eyes for a long moment, then she shook her head herself, sighed, and put the pills aside on the nightstand. She slowly approached him, and felt the tension in his body slowly decrease. It was still very much there though, so with her free hand she brushed a strand of hair aside that had fallen in his face. "No pills. See. I'm pill-less." She paused as she felt his body ease up if only slightly more. It was progress anyway. "I don't know why you're so against this. I'm not going to hurt you. You do know I'm not going to hurt you, right?"

Spike gave her a sore stare, but nodded, cautiously.

"Good. Right. You know that." He had known it, but she didn't know what had been done to him. Aside from what had physically been done to his body, what had he been told while he was down there? How had it been? He might have been gone for a long time. How long had he been made to be silent during that time? Honestly, that was something she didn't want to think about right now. She would spare herself these details until he could and was ready to talk about it. If he was ever ready to talk about it.

"So, if you know that I'm not going to hurt you then you know I'd never give you anything that was going to hurt you. In fact, it's medicine that will make you feel better. You're in a lot of pain right now when you don't have to be. If you take them you'll be able to get some rest in peace." Buffy kept her eyes locked with his as she spoke, hoping against hope that she was getting through to him.

Unfortunately, the protesting glares began again as his body started back up with the tension.

She wasn't backing off! She wasn't backing down! He said no. Didn't he get a choice? He was away from the nightmare cabinet and yet nothing was really his choice anymore here either. They did with him as they needed to, washing him, bandaging him up, and now these stupid pills that he had made it more than clear that he had no intention of taking, without ever stopping up, and asking what he actually meant about things that was happening. Why couldn't his choice of no be enough? Why couldn't he be spared something that he didn't want done to him? He wasn't a captive with her and yet so far, minus the torture, he could see some similarities.

There was nothing more that she could do. She couldn't force him to take the pills and he was clearly adamantly against the idea.

"Okay. We'll just rest right now. How does that sound? We'll just rest." Buffy spoke softly. If he insisted on remaining in pain, she was at least not gonna let him go through it alone.

She noted the bewildered expression on his face when she said that, but as she opened up her arms for him to lay down close to her, he didn't hesitate to oblige. He fell into her arms, pain causing his body to shake once again.

She seemed to finally understand! There may have been fire burning him from within, but at least it was his choice to have it there. For the first time in so long he had comfort and warmth to help him through the pain. No such thing had been offered when he had been trapped by Wood's hands. He didn't want to miss a moment of it. Didn't want to pass out, and lose this wonderful, warm feeling of her renewed support. Even if he hadn't needed those horrible pills to do so. He wanted to bask in the feeling of Buffy's arms, despite the torture that still managed to follow him.

The softness of her embrace was of recognition, but sadly the feeling of bone and organ regrowth was resilient in making sure that it was known better. Once more he found himself desperate to clutch onto something, but was forced to take it without any way to fight back. The tears came again, he opened his mouth to yell out, but silence was the only result. Soon this would not be the case, but by the time he could cry out it would no longer be needed, that was the horrible irony.

Buffy positioned herself back against the pillows, so they could both rest for the night, though sleep was not likely to come. She continued to hold him, careful of his injuries. She had never seen pain like this before and she had been slaying since she was sixteen years old. Right now, this moment, the look on his face, the need to cry and howl, that was an image that would not soon be forgotten.
It was haunting.

She wanted to rub his back, but it was damaged. She wanted to hold his hand, allow him to squeeze her own, but again it was damaged. Every possible way that she could think to add to soothing him would result in pain. She settled for holding him close and allowing her fingers to caress his hair on occasion. It was something, but it didn't feel like enough. It didn't feel like the right action for this. Then again, maybe nothing was. If only he would have taken those painkillers, if only he weren't so turned off from them for reasons that she couldn't begin to understand. How could a few pills be such a bad thing? Yet, he was so determined to suffer. He had his reasons and she would have to hold him through them even if she couldn't understand them. Maybe when he finally got his speech back some light could be shed on things, but for now her heart would break for him and she would do her best to help him through what was proving to be a very difficult night.

There they lay, pain and comfort, tears and silence, but remaining a support for one another although unaware just how much Spike's presence meant to Buffy just then. Perhaps it was best that she wasn't alone that night, not after losing so many people. At least they had each other, even if the details weren't ideal, she had him and he had her. Right now, each other was what they needed most out of everything in the world. The night was sleepless, painful, and hard to bear, with her own injury making it's presence known along with his, but it was due to each other that it was possible to make it through.

**************************************************

Xander was having a sleepless night too. It hadn't sunk in for hours, the death of his ex-girlfriend Anya. Could they have ever worked things out? Had their ending really been final? Xander didn't know that there was a clear answer to that. He loved her, but it didn't seem to work anymore, yet they continually fell together regardless. Then he had learned about Cordelia's condition. Another woman whose relationship he had shared was out. That was certainly unexpected. It seemed that he constantly found himself with blunt women. It also seemed he lost them.

Lost…

The news of Cordelia's condition had come up slamming reality in his face. He hadn't seen her in years. Truth was he didn't know who she was now. He remembered that high school girl who had fallen for a nerd like him. She was hot and cold. She was the Queen Bee, but had softness underneath. How had she changed from the self-centered girl she had once been? He wasn't who he was before. There were personality traits that had never left him and never would. Still, he had developed, grown, become who he was going to be, or at least was on the right track now. His thoughts fell back to Anya. She had been on the right track too, human wise, understanding the customs more. Now, she'd never continue her journey; make her billion that he was sure she of all people would be able to do. Marriage, kids, money, it'd never happen for her…or Cordelia. Was he simply going to lose everyone who had ever meant something to him? He had already lost Buffy two years ago, granted Willow had brought her back, but this was an ugly pattern he couldn't help but notice.

When he couldn't take the tossing and turning anymore he sat up in bed. He was exhausted, but nothing would come of it. He hadn't slept the night before. Now it seemed he wasn't going to be doing so tonight either. More negative patterns emerging. Even so, laying here with the women of his life screaming in his head would do him no good either. Xander stood up, found some clothing, and left.

There was some place he needed to go, someone he needed to see, though the hour of the night was not ideal, but he could work around it. He had faced much fiercer things than visiting hours in a hospital.

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Xander had managed to slip into Cordelia's hospital room unnoticed. It had taken a lot of watching and patience, but eventually he found himself standing in front of her motionless form. She looked peaceful, as though she were only sleeping, and in a way you would never look at her and know that she was fighting for her life.

"Cordelia. It's Xander. I know it's been a long time, but honestly I'm here because…I'm here because…" He slumped down into a chair by her bed as defeat swept over him. "I don't really know what I'm doing here at all. I wanted to see how you were doing, I guess. Spend some time with you again. I've been having a really rough time since you left. Well, a few of them, actually. It looks like you have too."

He gave a halfhearted laugh. "Well. Anyway. I found my way in this world. A place when I didn't know if there was meaning for me. I've loved and lost." He looked down. "I just keep losing. You recognize that feeling? What is it with this world? Is it the lifestyle we're choosing or is everything really this complicated? Painful. I guess we should've stuck together, huh? Run away together after high school, to a place safe and demon free. Yeah, I know... Not like that was ever an option. I guess all I'm trying to say is... I'm sorry. For hurting you, back then. For not keeping up. For never recognizing that you were in danger, and had ended up like this." He grabbed her limp hand, and was working hard not to cry. "It's what I do, huh? Love and lose. I've just lost another. Anya. You'd like her. Or then, maybe not... We were an unlikely match, but kept getting closer, until I totally failed her about a year ago. Lately, things were warming up again a bit, we were growing closer again, and then she's gone for good! Story you recognize, huh?" Now he was crying, albeit only a little. "She's dead. Down on the Hellmouth, from staying off yet another apocalypse." He squeezed Cordelia's hand tighter and stared at her intensely. "Please don't die you too!"

He stood up and started pacing. "It's frustrating. It angers me. It's…It's…there's so much evil that just keeps coming. I've dedicated years of my life, helped take down countless amounts of it, and they just keep coming. Killing the people that I love. Taking half my sight! I'm just…so! Angry. I'm tired."

Xander sunk back down in the chair next to her and took her hand. "I can't lose you too. I don't know who you are now, but I can't afford to lose you too."

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Buffy didn't need to wake up that morning. In fact, neither one of them did, because sleep had not been had the night before. It was next to impossible for either one of them to get any shuteye what with what Spike was experiencing inside of him. The pain seemed to come in waves. It rose to an unbearable heights that would have surely woken up the hotel had he had use of his lungs. Then it would die down, a time of peace, but it never lasted long enough that he could fully fall into slumber.

Things hadn't been a picnic for Buffy either. As she tried to rest with him it turned out the bed was much too narrow for the two of them if they both were to have space to actually sleep. She found that her own injury was jostled in the process and it seemed that he wasn't the one who was in need of the painkillers after all. She hadn't taken any herself either though, in solidarity, and for fear of falling off the bed if she were to actually fall asleep. The night had been complete and utter hell. She couldn't do this anymore. She couldn't lay here and watch him be in pain while going on no sleep. How long did it take organs to regrow anyway? How long did Spike really think he was going to be able to keep this up for? How long did he think she was going to be able to keep this up? No sleep and watching him suffer; it wasn't something that she was sure that she could stomach. The only reason he wasn't crying now was because he didn't have anything left to cry. His eyes were dried out, they were completely bloodshot, and probably sore from the work out they had received for hours upon hours last night.

She found that the closer the sun came to rising the more and more her patience was running out and she had to constantly remind herself that it wasn't him she was mad at. This wasn't his fault. It really wasn't. This was something that had been done to him, mind and all. He was not the one she wanted to take her frustration out on. He was not the one that had placed this ridiculous anxiety within him, though she couldn't fathom where it could have possibly come from, it was there nevertheless. She needed to make him see reason. She had to. They were both in pain now and you know what could take that away? Pills. Nice wonderful pills that doctors give out to prevent what they were going through. He was old now. Way old. He was probably around during the time of the painkiller invention. He of all people should know the benefits that came along with it, having been witness to the miracle of it for some time now.

Breathe. It's not his fault. Just breathe. Take things step by step. Remember? Step two: Get the stubborn vampire some relief!

"Spike." Buffy sat up, wincing from the pain she felt from her injury.

Spike's eyes fluttered open. Though he had not been asleep, he had been making an attempt at resting them.

Her eyes met his curious gaze and she couldn't help but feel exasperated. He was really wondering what this could be about? Really? How could he not know what this was in regards to? Hadn't he been here all night? She had no idea what he was actually going through, feeling inside, but from the looks of it, it wasn't pretty. "I can't go through another second of this. This has to stop."

Spike gazed at her slightly taken aback by her tone. She had been so gentle all night, so helpful holding him through everything, and now it was as though he were with a different person. If his body wasn't trembling so much, if clear ache and pain wasn't written across his face, he might have wished that he had pretended that he was asleep so he didn't have to face this frustrating, sudden mood change.

"You're hurting. Do you understand that you don't have to be?" Buffy reached over and grabbed the bottle of painkillers that were on the nightstand nearby. "This will help you. Why won't you let me help you?"

Spike gave her his most determined glare once again. No, he wasn't taking those. He wasn't going to allow himself to be left vulnerable. He was not gonna surrender his consciousness like that again. It wasn't happening! Didn't she get that? He thought she had understood, or at least was willing to respect his wishes. Yeah, the night had been rough. He was aware. He had been the one going through it. But it was worth it. The thought of being drugged scared him more than all the pain he had been through tonight ever could. Pain, he could endure. He was used to it. But that total loss of whatever control he had left, the loss of consciousness, that those pills entailed, was unbearable.

"No. Don't give me that look. I can't watch this anymore! Do you have any idea what it does to me to see you laying there in pain? Do you know how hard it is to watch someone you care about suffering for hours on end without any way to help? There is a way to help and if you could stop being so thick-headed you'd let me do this for you. It's not that big of a deal. They're painkillers, Spike. They kill the pain, not you!" Buffy didn't mean to speak so harshly. In fact, she didn't realize the tone that was coming out of her. She was exhausted, mentally and emotionally for so many different reasons in that moment. She couldn't fix so many of those reasons, but this she could fix. This was something she could do, and she was going to do it, and Spike would be better for it.

Spike continued to give her death glares, and he tensed up again. This couldn't happen…this couldn't…

Then several things happened at once. Buffy, with pills in her hand, bent over him and grabbed his jaw, physically prying his mouth open and forcing the pills in. At the same moment, Spike's fangs came out, and he tore into her hand, fiercely enough to draw blood. Buffy drew back in shock, staring at her bleeding fingers, while Spike turned his head to the side, and spit the pills out, with such force that they flew all across the room, and bounced off the opposite walls. Then he faced her, with a look that both mirrored her own shock and exuded pure, undulated fury. Buffy drew back, and bolted.

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As Buffy made her way out of the hotel room, eyes on her hand, she felt herself bump into something. She lifted her head up and realized that it wasn't a something, but rather a someone. "Sorry, Xander."

Xander stared down at her hand without saying anything.

Buffy quickly let her bleeding hand drop to her side as she said awkwardly. "It's…It's nothing." She really wasn't in the mood for giving an explanation right now. She just wanted to get her hand bandaged up. It seemed like that would be the real step two after all rather than helping Spike feel better. He was too out of control in that second to take her help.

"It doesn't look like nothing." Xander commented.

Buffy sighed. "It's fine. I don't need your help. I can handle this." She brushed past him.

"That also didn't look like handling things."

Xander's remark stopped Buffy in her tracks. She slowly turned around. "What?"

"What was that?" Xander gestured towards the shut room.

"Were you spying on us?" Buffy took an angry step forward.

"No. I just came back to the hotel. After…after having gone out. The door was open a crack. I heard a noise, checked in, and saw you getting a little rough." Xander folded his arms.

Buffy could have been knocked over with a feather in that moment. "You're taking his side?"

Xander paused at the statement. The idea did sound odd, even to him, but he had seen what he had seen. "Buffy, the guy's completely thrashed."

"I was trying to help him."

"I think you forgot to mention that to him." Xander stated pointedly.

Buffy rolled her eyes. "I don't have time for this. My hand is bleeding. I have to take care of that. Then, I have to take care of him."

She stormed down the hallway, but Xander was right by her side. She wanted to tell him to go away. Who was he to lecture her? Yes, everyone had been through a lot, but she had to keep going. She had to keep Spike from becoming one more loss. Didn't he understand that's the only thing she was trying to do? Instead he was judging her for having to take a few extra measures to dull Spike's pain. Yes, okay, she could see how it probably looked bad, but Spike didn't realize that she was doing it for him. Once he felt better he'd recognize that she had done it to help not hurt. Instead of seeing that, trusting her, Xander was getting all judgy. What was it with everyone ganging up on her when she was only helping to save them?

Buffy started towards the stairs, but then turned and looked at Xander. "Are there a lot of people down there?"

"What's the matter? Don't want everyone to see your vampire bite wound?" Xander retorted.

"I thought you were on his side." Buffy glared.

"I don't like the fact that he bit you. Vampire. No chip. Biting. Who in their right mind would be comfortable with that?"

Buffy sighed. "He's not in his right mind."

"Oh. Well that makes it better."

Buffy turned angrily and made her way down the stairs. She needed to get her wound cleaned up. Everyone else was just going to have to deal right now. Xander included!

She was relieved to see that there was no one in the lobby at the moment, so she was able to make a quick dash for the bathroom nearby. Of course, as she was opening the door to walk inside Fred and Willow made their way around the corner deep in a conversation. Only, it wasn't so deep that they didn't notice the blood dripping from Buffy's hand.

"Buffy, what happened?" Willow asked in concern as she neared her.

"Nothing, I'm…"

Willow grabbed her hand, examining it, eyes widening when seeing the fang marks.

"…fine…" Buffy finished.

"Spike bit you." Willow looked up in concern.

"It wasn't like that.' Buffy pushed her way inside the bathroom, going over to the sink.

"I'll get the first aid kit." Fred dashed off.

"Well, what happened?" Willow asked as Buffy ran her hand under water, washing the blood away.

Buffy sighed. "Look, it's just a bite. It's fine. It'll heal. I have that wonderful slayer healing after all."

"Here you go." Fred chimed in as she made her way into the bathroom, placing the First Aid kit on the counter.

"Spike doesn't want to take medication…" Xander began.

"Xander!" Buffy shouted.

"What? If you aren't going to explain it I will!" Xander matched her tone.

"Wait, you were there?" Willow's eyes fell on him.

"No, he wasn't." Buffy answered for him.

"I saw it." Xander challenged.

"Seeing isn't the same thing as being there." Buffy argued right back.

Fred remained quiet through the whole exchange, gently taking Buffy's hand as she was doctoring it up, going unnoticed.

"Then you tell it or I will." Xander's face made it very clear that he wasn't bluffing.

"You'll tattle?" Buffy spoke in disbelief.

"It's not tattling. There are two very important issues here. One of which is the biting vampire upstairs." Xander stated heatedly.

"He has been through a lot…" Willow spoke with a weakened defense.

"Oh I know." Xander spoke and once again received a look of surprise. He supposed he couldn't blame them. It wasn't like he had been any vampire's cheerleader over the years. "I get it. He bit her. It's still a big deal, but why he did is an even bigger deal."

"Well, then, maybe someone should tell me what actually happened? You know, leaving it up to the imagination, what with Spike and the biting. Not a good thing with me. We've had our history. Remember?" Willow spoke in a non-judgmental but factual tone.

"Fine. It's not that big of a deal. He was up all night in pain. Neither one of us slept. He refused to take any painkillers that could ease the pain away and put him to sleep. For some reason he was really resilient on the fact that he wouldn't take them, but this morning he was still suffering from what happened to him. His organs regrowing, which is majorly yuck by the way. So…" Buffy's voice trailed off.

"So…what?" Willow questioned.

"I couldn't stand watching him suffer anymore. I told him that he needed to take medication for this, so when he refused again I got firm." Buffy explained.

"Firm? You tried prying open his mouth and shoving the pills down his throat!" Xander clarified.

Shock fell over the faces of Willow and Fred, who even stopped what she was doing to look up at Buffy, stunned.

Buffy felt like shrinking. She wanted to disappear under the expressions that she was getting from Willow and this woman she didn't even know. "What? I was trying to help him…"

"Buffy…he's been through a lot. We don't even know how much, but what we do know he went through was pretty intense." Willow spoke in horror.

"I know that! You think I don't know that? I'm the one who found him? I've seen and dressed every wound that he had. I gave him my blood to help him heal!" Buffy's defenses rose.

"Yeah that's great and everything…but…" Xander began.

"You took his choice away. You made him a captive again!" Fred spoke up cutting Xander off, surprise falling over her features over how forthright she had been. She swallowed. "Well. I just…I just mean that he's been missing. From what I heard. He was taken. Against his will. So, this, what you did. It was against his will. Right now, now more than ever, it's important for him to understand that he has choice again. Choice is very important to someone's who had that taken away for so long…"

At this point Xander chipped in "You don't know Spike. I don't think he could forget that. No one can make him do anything he doesn't want to do."

Willow smiled a little. Fred gave him a pointed look. "I'm just saying, he's had very little control over anything since he's been missing. He's still kinda helpless. I think it's very important for him to hold on to what little control over his life that he has left. Which includes not getting forced to sleep".

"Well…"Buffy sighed. Okay, this Fred had a point, but "…he was in so much pain. I didn't want him to suffer anymore…"

Willow saw the sincerity in her friend's eyes. She knew how much she had come to care about Spike. There was no question that Buffy had meant well, but she hadn't done good by him this time. In fact, Willow was worried that she had done a lot more damage by that one act. No one knew what was going through his head. He couldn't tell them, but it seemed that to a degree he had figured out a way to be vocal. Leave it to Spike. "I know, but sometimes emotional pain is worse than physical pain and that's something that we really have to avoid causing him more of."

"Where is he?" Fred inquired.

"Why?" Buffy looked at her almost protectively.

"I'm not... I wouldn't hurt him. I was just thinking, well maybe… maybe I could find out what's on his mind. See if...maybe I can help. He shouldn't be in any more pain than he has to be. I might be able to talk to him."

"If the Buffster couldn't get him to take pills I don't think anyone can." Xander rolled his eyes. The feelings that was obviously between the two of them wasn't something that he particularly loved even if he didn't hate Spike with every fiber of his being anymore.

"It doesn't seem like she tried persuading him in the right way." Fred quickly looked at Buffy. "No offense. Maybe if someone new tried. Someone he doesn't know. He might not feel so pressured."

"He might be uncomfortable with someone that he doesn't know. Especially after what he's been through. I should go. I've known him for basically as long as Buffy has." Willow decided.

"True, but, well I have experience. Sort of. With what he's been through…"

Three sets of eyes fell on her, understanding of her insight suddenly making sense.

"He might try to eat you too." Xander quipped, breaking the awkward silence.

"Shut up." Buffy snapped.

"Hey. I get it. It was kind of his only defense, but he might not be too trusting and fly off the handle if someone even so much as mentions pills to him." Xander spoke logically.

"I think I can handle myself." Willow looked over at Buffy. "We'll let you know how it goes."

Fred and Willow made their way out of the bathroom leaving Buffy and Xander behind. Buffy looked down at the ground, unable to speak as Xander stood besides her, battling his own contradictory feelings.

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Willow and Fred couldn't stand the sight that they had walked in on. Spike, lying on his side, his face reddened with agony. It was known that he had been hurt and everyone had seen the condition he was in, but that was before organ regrowth had reared its' ugly head. Here no one had thought he could have been in worse shape than he already was. Willow knew that Buffy was going through a lot, but had she really gotten rough with him when he was looking like this?

She was trying to be helpful. In a way.

When seeing all the pain he was in, she could kinda relate to the need to make it stop right now. But her way really wasn't the right one to go about it in. Willow really hoped she could do better.

Fred took a small step forward, taking initiative. Someone needed to or he was going to be lost in what he was going through alone. It didn't seem like too many people knew what they were doing when it came to him. Buffy was letting him see her frustration and the man with the eye patch was clearly too conflicted to be much help. Willow could prove to be helpful in this situation, but right now she wasn't taking any chances. The pattern of this poor vampire's support was not good so far. "Hi." She spoke softly as she went to the side of the bed. "My name's Fred. Would you mind if I sat with you for a little while? I won't get too close or anything if you don't want me to."

If Spike heard her he didn't make any indication of it. He seemed to be trapped within the pain, though Willow suspected that it wasn't just physical pain that he was lost in. Right now, the person that he needed most was Buffy and she didn't seem in the right frame of mind to be able to handle it. She could relate to it more than she liked, but it still didn't make her friend the right candidate for the comforting and soothing job just yet. "You know, Buffy isn't mad at you."

Spike raised his head at Willow's comment.

Bingo! I know that vampire like the back of my hand.

"She just needed a bandage. No biggie. Easy fix." Willow smiled at him reassuringly.

Spike looked puzzled at her comment. He didn't get it. Why was she being so chipper, especially after what he had done? He half expected them to have come in here with sharp pointy stakes and a bottle of holy water. Instead, they were being nice? He couldn't comprehend it. He wouldn't have blamed them for reacting any other way. Buffy was the last person he wanted to hurt or lash out against. He didn't feel good about it. It was what had to be done to protect himself. Yet, there was that voice in the back of his head that continued to remind him how surprised he really felt, that after all this time, the progress they had made as friends, she would go against him like that. It hadn't been about his needs for so long. He was kinda hoping now would be the time. She did care. He knew that, but he was still troubled by her actions. He was troubled by his own. He was in pain. He just needed all of it to stop. There was too much noise in his head and weakness in his bones. He was hurting, unable to speak, unable to be himself. He was nothing right now. No wonder she wanted to knock him out with pills.

"Spike…"

He felt a gentle touch on his shoulder, causing him to look in the direction of the brunette girl who had taken a seat on the bed.

She quickly removed her hand from his shoulder, afraid he didn't want to be touched. Sometimes you didn't want to be touched when in pain. Sometimes after being tortured by someone for a long time you didn't want to be touched by someone you didn't know either. She needed to be careful not to cause him discomfort. There had been enough of that already. "You know we're here to help you, right?"

"Right. No one here wants to hurt you." Willow helped out. "In fact, we talked about this with Buffy in the bathroom when she was getting herself fixed up. She told us what happened. What she did wasn't right, Spike."

It was baffling to him. The brunette girl didn't know either of them, but Willow was Buffy's best friend, not his. Yet, she was trying to tell him that she had defended him when he was so conflicted himself on his own actions. He didn't trust this at all, not right away. Willow wasn't one for playing games, but shoes always dropped, especially when you were him.

Fred noted the skepticism on his face. She didn't blame him. "Buffy meant well, but that doesn't mean she handled it well. There's a difference. I see it, Willow sees it…"

"Even Xander gets that much." Willow added in. "If you're not comfortable doing something then it's okay. No one should go all wrestle-chick on you and force you into something that you're not comfortable with. You don't want to take painkillers then you don't have to. You don't even have to explain why."

Spike lifted an eyebrow at her as though she could hardly mean what she said.

"We're serious." Willow took a seat on the other side of Spike now, coming down to his level, so they could really speak face to face. "You and I have known each other for a long time. We've seen a lot of each other with the fighting and the Scooby meetings, and in a weird way, we even ended up talking buddies before that, on occasion."

Goin' to get to the point? Hard enough to focus with my insides ablaze.

With that thought in mind Spike's face contorted in pain. He continually hated himself for appearing so weak.

Fred didn't seem to care, suddenly her arms were around him, and she was holding him close, comforting him through the pain. She knew that she had been trying to give him his space, it was best not to crowd him, but she couldn't help herself. When she saw someone in pain, after going through such a terrible ordeal, she couldn't bear to just leave them there to suffer. She was careful though, ready to let go at any sign that he was uncomfortable with her embrace, but he seemed to melt into her arms right away.

Willow knew that Spike had to be in a lot of pain to be accepting of such coddling, but then he had gone so much time without comfort, without a kind word, or a pleasant conversation, he probably craved it deep down inside. Maybe his craving for it wasn't so deep, though she was sure that when he was well enough, if anyone tried it on him they'd probably be told off.

She waited for the pain to dull down again a little before carrying on. When he seemed to be resting comfortably enough in Fred's arms, she picked up where they had left off. "Like I was saying before. In all the time that we've known each other, and it's been awhile, have I ever made a habit of lying? I know…I know that I haven't been perfect. You've seen me at some of my worst places in my life. But over the years, would label me a liar?"

Spike looked at her curiously before shaking his head.

"Good. Then you'd know I'd tell you the truth, especially where it concerns Buffy. Cause I'm the best friend. So for me to tell you that I think what she did was wrong not respecting your choice, well then I'm probably not lying. When I say that we're going to respect what you want, that's the truth too." Willow explained patiently.

"Spike, you're free. You're not under anyone's control anymore. The only person you have to answer to is yourself. I know that's hard to believe at first. You keep flinching. Waiting to get in trouble for doing what you're doing, making your own decisions, or wondering when someone is going to come and get you again. It's normal to feel that way…" Fred began.

Willow interjected. "After what you've been through, it's very understandable to be really jittery and not wanting to lose control again"

Fred nodded in agreement. "Right. It's why no one should try to make you do something that you're not comfortable with, especially with the limited communicated you have going. Then it's really not fair. So, we mean it when we say that we won't push."

Spike's skepticism softened, but the tension still remained his body.

Willow read the meaning of this. A few reassuring words weren't going to convince him so easily, not after what he had gone through being held captive and certainly not after what had happened this morning. She needed to prove it. "Do you want to take a painkiller, Spike?"

Spike's troubled gaze fell on her. He shook his head no adamantly. Where had she been the past hour? Wasn't that what caused this problem in the first place? He didn't want what seemed to be the only answer. He may have felt badly over biting Buffy, but that didn't mean he was willing to give in and submit himself to another chemical knock out.

"Then we'll put the sedatives away. There are other things you can take. Something softer that will take the edge off. Sedatives aren't the only thing that's out there for pain management." Willow paused thoughtfully. I'm sure this place has Aspirin." Willow offered, her point made clear.

So, there it was, another solution, one that fit his needs. He didn't know what to make of all of this. It felt, well, it felt nice to have someone, or people rather, in his corner. He knew that Buffy was, but she had flipped out in the moment that he had refused her wishes. Now there were two women rushing to his aid, working out a compromise to the issue, that both he and Buffy might live with. It wasn't like he didn't want pain relief. He just needed it in a way that wouldn't rob him of his consciousness. He knew the standard weak meds did no such thing.

"So, will you take it then?" Willow asked hopefully.

Buffy sat glumly at the bottom of the stairs. No one seemed to notice of those occupying the lobby as they all shared the same expression on their face. She found herself lost in the events of the day. How could the day already have events? It was only morning! Yet, here she was, apparently having already started making mistakes in Spike's care. It was frustrating. He needed help, so she had been helping him.

Okay, so maybe I got a little rough. But he wasn't cooperating! Stubborn vampire.

He couldn't go on in that pain. She couldn't go on watching him in that pain. No one else seemed to see it that way. Was she wrong here? She could have had a bit more patience, but he could be so frustrating sometimes!

"Buffy." Willow's voice broke Buffy's train of thought.

Buffy immediately stood up as Xander made his way over from across the room. Buffy spoke. "How is he?"

"Calmer." Willow paused. "Fred's still with him. We got him to take some Aspirin. It's not as strong, but it'll take the edge off at least."

Buffy almost pouted. "You got him to take something."

"Yeah. With a little conversation." Willow explained."

Conversation? I had plenty of conversation with him! Buffy had to keep herself from yelling out. How was it that she could have all the conversation in the world with him, hug him through the night and he wouldn't take a thing from her, but Willow goes waltzing in there he's sucking down pills? Granted, it wasn't the hefty painkiller kind she had been offering, but it was something. That was a lot more than she had gotten.

"Buffy, I know that a lot has happened. You're tired. You haven't gotten a chance to process things, but Spike takes patience. He needs someone who is going to go at his pace." Willow was soft in her words.

"I have been nothing put patient with him." Buffy immediately flew on the defensive. "I stayed up with him all through last night…"

"You shoved pills down his throat." Xander cut in.

"To help him!" Buffy practically hollered.

"Look no one here is judging you." Willow began.

"Really? Because it sure as hell feels that way to me!" Buffy turned and began to storm up the stairs.

"Where are you going?" Willow called after her.

"To see, Spike." Buffy continued her way up the stairs.

Willow chased after her, cutting in front of her. "No!"

"What? Now you're banning me from seeing him. I can make you move." Buffy challenged.

"We both know I can hold my own against you." Willow stated intensely back, much to Buffy's surprise.

Xander immediately stepped between them. "Enough!"

Now their surprise fell on Xander.

"We're all tired. We're all reeling here. The last 24 hours haven't exactly been a picnic for anyone. We're on edge. We're not exactly ourselves. I mean, who here has gotten a good night's sleep in the last 48 hours, because I know I haven't. But we're still friends. We care about each other. We don't fight each other." Xander stared at them both, letting his words register before continuing. "Buffy, we know you care about Spike. Up until recently I would have figured you crazy for it, but Blondie with a soul has lost his repulsive nature."

"Wow that must have hurt you a little inside to say that." Willow spoke good-naturedly.

Xander shot her a look. "Anyway, you need to step back and really see the seriousness of what happened. There's a reason why everyone is reacting the way they are that hears about this. Or sees it in my case."

"I just wanted to help him. You have no idea what it's like having this level of responsibility placed on you. If I do one thing wrong I could break him." Buffy looked at them both desperately.

Both Xander and Willow's features softened, the tension going out of the red-head. "You're not going to break him. You just need to be patient with him. At all times. As hard as it may be. He needs that. He needs to feel that level of support. Buffy, that had to be scary for him. Think about it. He had no real way to defend himself. His hands don't work. He's in complete agony. He can barely move and then he has someone to shove one of his worst fears in his face. No real way to fight back, but with fangs."

Xander raised a finger "Still not loving that can I say."

"What else was he going to do, Xander? It's not like he's going around biting all of our hands." Willow paused. "If he were I think I'd still be more concerned for him, because that's just not normal behavior."

Buffy shook her head. "I'm such an idiot." She sat down onto the steps, and balled her fists. "I probably just ruined all of the trust that he has in me. What was I thinking?"

"You're not." Willow commented. "You were just in the same situation he was. Facing a hurtful situation you couldn't control. And you tried to take back control over it by forcing in him some painkillers. Just like he took back control by refusing to be tranquilized, insisting on remaining awake and alert through all of this."

Buffy gave her a sheepish smile. "No wonder he took pills from you, and not me."

"Why don't we all get some sleep?" Xander suggested.

"There's too much to do." Buffy stated.

"Lack of sleep really isn't doing you or anyone any favors." Xander insisted bluntly.

Buffy couldn't argue with him. She stood back up and nodded. "Okay. I will, but there's something I need to do first."

***********************************************************************

The tension had drained from his body. Spike laid by Fred now, and she held him close and warmly. Truthfully, she knew that he really wanted such coddling done from Buffy, but it seemed the gentleness had gone out of the Slayer. She wasn't going to let a repeat performance of this morning happen again. In all her time at the hotel after she had been brought back from Pylea no one once had gotten frustrated or angry with her. The circumstances were different, but she remembered having been a little bit on the crazy train herself. She had written on the walls, she would hardly come out of her room; it had taken Angel to help her set foot back in this world. He had done it with such patience after going through his own terrible loss. Now, she had lost him and she was caring for Spike. Life had a funny way of mimicking itself.

Right now, the only thing that mattered was that he felt safe. At the moment he, somehow seemed to be more able to relax, and she wanted to keep it that way. She moved her hand up to his head, and drew her fingers through his hair. His eyes followed her, as a look of curiosity fell over his face.

Fred laughed. "What color is your hair trying to be, really? I think you need a dye job, Buddy."

A look of horror fell over his face as he tried to look up towards his head to see the damage that had been done to his hair in the time that he'd been gone. He pouted when he got no result and then gestured in frustration towards his hands.

Fred gave him a look of sympathy. She had wanted to hit on a subject that had nothing to do with his pain. Looked like she wasn't entirely successful. But well, there was no turning back now. "You'll have your ability to take action and speak back soon enough. Don't worry." She pulled out one of his curls, to show him what it looked like. "You should spike your hair. It'd match your name."

Used to, Pet. Spike smirked at her. She was an interesting one.

Not finding anything more random to talk about, Fred decided to get back on the topic they had originally come for. She began to speak to him casually. "I can relate to your fear of sedatives. I used to be afraid to go to sleep too. For a while. After coming back from Pylea. I think I mentioned that. Anyway, I'd stay up late at night and read or explore the hotel, because I was afraid it'd all turn out to be a dream. Like I was still really in stuck in that hell-dimension. Or I'd just have these really horrible nightmares of portals sucking me back in. And, of course, I never read anything I was reading out loud. Not for a long time. No, Sir. Learned my lesson there."

He looked up at her in confused curiosity, as if she really hadn't mentioned it. She shook her head, and decided to explain a little further. "That's what happened. I was at the library and picked up the wrong book. Well, wrong now. Considering what happened and everything. I got sucked in. Wound up in Pylea. And there humans are slaves. They call them cows. Always made me wonder what they called the cows there, but I never saw any, so maybe there weren't any. I was there for five years."

Wager you know a thing or three 'bout torment. Somethin' in common…balls…wish I could talk.

She shrugged, and continued, pensively. "I love books, but for a while there, I didn't want to go anywhere near them. Is that what's going on with you too? From what I've heard about you, and your great fighting skills, I've been wondering how anyone could take you down. Was that what happened? You got drugged?"

Spike nodded, and smiled, with grateful relief written all over his face.

They shared a moment, and then Fred took her hand away from his now rather tousled hair and sighed. "I need water if I'm going to get your hair to stand up."

Spike quickly whipped his head away, getting another laugh from Fred. "My my, aren't we a fussy vampire."

Before Spike could make an expression to do his unvoiced words justice, a soft knock came from the door. Immediately, both their heads turned towards the sound. They didn't need to see who was on the other side to know who that knock belonged to. Fred sensed that her Spike-watch was over, though she really didn't want to go.

Buffy watched as Fred exited, knowing full well that she really wouldn't be far. She didn't blame her. Jealousy, anger, resentment, none of that would be fair, and right now she needed to worry less about that stranger girl being better than her at this, and more about the man that she had hurt. One of the people she would want to hurt the least. Through everything she had been through this last year he had stood by her, right now he had needed her and she hadn't done the same.

"Spike." She spoke gently as she crossed the room.

He looked up at her, his bottom jaw clenched tightly.

Was it anger or sadness? Buffy couldn't tell. His jawline grew tense when he was mad or when he was holding back tears. His eyes didn't seem wet through, but his features weren't filled with fury. Discomfort? She imagined he was just as uncomfortable in this as she was. "I heard you're feeling better."

No buggerin' thanks to you. Spike's eyes landed on her hand. Then again, maybe we're even, Kitten.

He wanted to let out a sigh that wasn't possible. He was stuck on what she had done to him, hurt by it, betrayed almost. But then, it rang in his ears, the knowledge that he had hurt her. He kept right on with the hurting of the people that he cared about and it wasn't as though he brought himself to care about many people. Maybe that was for the best.

Buffy noted Spike's eyes as they landed on her bandaged hand. "Oh. It's fine. It's…not important." She bit her bottom lip trying to find the right words. Were there right words for this? If there were why couldn't she find them? She realized in that moment why she couldn't read his expression. He was everything at once. He seemed hurt, sad, guilty, and angry all at once. She just wanted to take him in her arms again as she had done the night before. She wanted to comfort him and start the day over so that comfort would never have ended. There was no going back. That was a harsh lesson life continually taught her over the years. No matter how old she got it was a truth that never got any easier or one that never changed.

"I am so so sorry, Spike." Buffy shook her head. "I swear that I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to violate your trust. I thought I was helping. No. That's not right." She looked up at the ceiling in shame. "I was helping myself." Her eyes locked with his. "I couldn't handle your pain. So much has happened. So much has been happening and I just couldn't handle it. I took that out on you. The last person in this building that needs that right now. I am so sorry. I understand if you want me to go."

Spike tilted his head to the side. What she had done had shaken him to the core. What he had done to protect himself weighed on his shoulders just as much. Right now, all he could see was that she was upset, hurting, and he couldn't have that. Not because of him. Not ever because of him. The last thing he wanted was for her to go, especially upset. To hell with this morning. To hell with what happened. She was offering her comfort again. She was offering herself again and he needed that more than anything. He needed her. He always would.

He looked at her and then at the bed. Then at her. Then at the bed.

Buffy's heart fluttered. Was he saying what she thought he was saying? Could he really be that forgiving after everything that he had just gone through? Yes, she knew this was Spike, but even so it seemed too good to be true. "You…you want me to…"

Spike gave her a pointed look. He gestured with his head enthusiastically.Daft bint.

A smile fell over her face.

Daft bint or not, just want to see you smile, Love.

Buffy went closer to the bed before remembering one small detail. She held up a finger. "Just one second, Spike."

She moved towards the door and opened it, spotting Fred who was sitting against the door directly across from there.

"Everything is okay now." Buffy stated knowingly.

Fred looked up at her flustered. "Oh. Well okay then." She stood up chipperly. "I'll go read in my room. It's a lot more comfortable I'll tell you that."

Buffy shook her head in amusement as she watched the southern girl head off. She shut the door and then immediately crawled on the bed, allowing Spike to fall into her arms where he belonged. It felt good to be forgiven, but more importantly it felt good to be able to support him once again.

***********************************************************************

Buffy didn't know how long Spike should really be left alone for, but she needed to take the opportunity to figure out where she was living and who exactly she was living with. Wesley had decided to take everyone on a tour of the hotel and give them a general feel of the operation they had going on.

"We used to have a website up and running, but it was found that more cases were less ethical to take that were coming our way." Wesley explained. "We truly are less about money making and more about finding those in need of help."

"So, you actually charge people for saving their lives?" Xander asked in disbelief.

"Well. Yes. We do have to live somehow. The hotel itself has expenses. It's a small fee, but it keeps us able to continue doing what we do." Wesley responded.

"Buffy does what she does and she doesn't get a paycheck for it." Dawn gazed at Wesley quizzically.

"I understand how there could be a question of morals here, but…"Wesley was cut off.

"Look, what English here is trying to say is we're no different than hospitals charging their patients. They get paid for saving people's lives. So do we. You want to help. That's great. We're grateful to have it, but these are our operations. They may not mesh with yours, but they've done us just fine in the past. Done those people we've saved just fine too." Gunn looked to his new co-workers defensively.

"Okay." Buffy responded.

The Scoobies looked at her in confusion.

"Okay. For now." Buffy clarified. "We can work these details out later. We're two operations with different styles coming together. That doesn't have to be dealt with this second. Right now, we're just seeing what you've got."

"Yes, well…"Wesley cleared his throat. "That about covers it. Are there any questions? Aside from the payment factor that is?"

Giles stepped forward. "I have something to say." He turned and faced the group before him. "With recent events of the council meeting their demise, as you can imagine things are in great disarray. Its become clear that it would be useful if I went over there and helped restore order and organization back in England."

Buffy's heart stopped for a moment, his words knocking the wind out of her. "You're leaving again?"

Giles nodded, almost unable to look his Slayer in the eye. "There isn't much left here for me to do. My use is best placed elsewhere."

"With the council." Dawn spoke trying to keep her anger at bay. "What use have they ever had anyway?"

"They do serve a very important purpose. I recognize that in the past they've been trapped in their own traditions; however, such a set-up would no longer serve a purpose in the fight against evil. There are no more Potentials. Only Slayers. Slayers that need a great deal of training and education on the matter. A whole new system needs to be put into place. Possibly a school for the girls. I feel its best I go, and the new Slayers come along." Giles explained with a hope for understanding and reason winning out.

"Fighting evil will never be the same." Fred observed.

"Precisely." Giles commented.

"Well, you should go do that." Buffy commented. What else was she going to say? She and Giles hadn't exactly been getting along famously these days. It wasn't ever written in stone that he would stay for good as it was. Granted, part of her thought that he might given how much they had changed the world, but he had other things to do once more. He had to do what he felt was right. Wasn't that what he always did? Wasn't that exactly what had started their fighting in the first place? It only escalated. First Spike, then he had been part of the mutiny throwing her out of the house, and then once again he had given her more of a hard time for wanting to help Spike when he had been retrieved. It was probably better that he was gone. She couldn't be mad. He had things to do and she had things that she needed to do. That was there. There was nothing more to be said on the matter. "I need to go be check on Spike."

She turned and made her way upstairs. The time for fighting was done. The time for healing needed to begin, even if that meant that she had do that without guidance she kept fooling herself into thinking that she always had.

When she peeked in on him though, she saw that he had finally fallen into a sort of sleep. She smiled. With his still remaining level of pain, there was no telling how long it would last, but at least for now, she'd do better not to bother him. Better for herself too. That narrow bed had truthfully been a nightmare to try to get some sleep on herself too, especially with her own injury. She decided to go find a bed of her own, and get a good night's sleep at last, like Xander and Willow had urged her to do.

Buffy was home. In her old room, her own bed, with Mr. Gordo snuggly in her arms. She heard the tree creaking outside, and then there was a knock on the window.

Three hard raps, in quick succession. She went to open it, and fell right into the arms of Angel. Held him, hugged, and snuggled close into the nook of his neck, breathing in the familiar scent of him. Then she took a step back, and stared at him in wonder. "But, you dusted!" she whispered. "You're gone." "Along with this room and all the rest of the town" he smiled back at her. "But it's all still here, isn't it?"

He took her hands, and sat down on the bed with her. "I could die a thousand deaths, and still always come back to you" He reached out a hand, and stroke her hair back. "I love you". "I missed you so much!" Buffy muttered, and reached out to pet his hair too.

And found herself grasping empty air. In a strange bed, in a room she did not know. It went far too fast to get out of dream world and back to reality. He was gone, forever.

She had lead a bunch of green girls into war, many of them were dead, and more might follow. They'd probably be gone all if it wasn't for him, and his sacrifice. That still didn't make it easy to accept though. The mental movie in her mind started playing again, that had been on repeat ever since she climbed back into that school bus. The scene, down there, his goodbye, a million ways she could have acted differently, to save him. There probably was none. She buried herself in her borrowed pillow, and cried. Sobbed and wept, till she had completely lost her breath, and had to come up for air.

But, she told herself, she wasn't quite alone. Not yet. She still had her friends. Although she didn't want to burden them any more than necessary. And they were now, in the dead of night, probably all asleep anyway. There was one who most likely wasn't though. She still had one vampire left to her. She should be with him right now, but she couldn't be. Not when she was this way. Not when she was so openly hurt, crying. He'd hate to see her cry. He'd want to comfort her when he was the one who needed comforting. She couldn't ask him to be her wall of strength in his condition and over a particular vampire that he had a long and twisted history with. Not to mention, a vampire that she had been intimate with. No, it wasn't fair. She couldn't be with him now. Not tonight. He'd lay alone through his pain and she'd lay alone in hers. She'd help him by not helping him. There was kindness in that, at least for tonight.

So, instead, she got up, and walked down the hall, and around till she found the room she was looking for, the one Wesley had told her had used to be Angel's, that they had let stand empty and unchanged through the massive lot of visitors they'd had lately, in his memory. She crawled into the bed, and buried her nose in his pillow, sniffing in the scent of him. Snuggled close into his blankets and laid there, till her mind cleared up a bit. She thought through her dream, and it now struck her as a little silly. He wouldn't "always come back to her". Even if he had survived the Hellmouth, this was his place. In this house, in this town, with these people. Not with her.

Hmm, irony of life. Now, she finally lived in his world. Stayed with his people, were about to work his missions, even laid in his bed. And still, she couldn't be with him. She felt her sadness give way to anger. Remembered the last time he had almost died, and she had almost died to save him, only to watch him turn his back on her and walk away. "You always leave me, don't you?" she hissed at the room. Wait until I'm the most vulnerable, and then walk away. Well, I've had it! If you do come back again, I'm going to walk away from you!"

With that, she got up, left the room, and went to collect her stake and cross, to go out in the night and blow off some steam.