Chapter 11 Exodus
A week later, Buffy sat there, on the edge of his bed, and stared down at Spike, with a half filled bottle of blood in her hand. She had tried to feed him, but as per usual these days, he had only gotten down a little bit, before he turned the rest of it away and dropped his head back down on the pillow. He clearly needed to eat more than he was getting down these days. He was still so thin and drained that it couldn't be healthy. She'd be surprised if it turned out that he had gained much weight at all in the about two weeks time that had now passed since he was rescued. His cheekbones were so sharp and prominent that she could've cut herself on them, and she could count the ribs in his chest, when the blankets wasn't covering them. But at least they were whole ribs now. Over the last week, she had clearly seen how his body was putting itself back together. The scars that had still been visible all over his face when she had found him down in the Initiative caves had vanished real quickly. By now, the rough, glaring surgery scar that had been there too was only a barely noticeable thin red line down his chest. His hands and legs looked much better too. Limp and skinny, but no longer stiff and twisted in odd angles. She took his hand, and stroke it gently, drew her fingers along all the now straight lines down his wrist, up the palm to the tip of his fingers. Gripped each finger and relished in the feel of them. Soft, agile, whole again! Suddenly she felt his hand move in hers, as he turned it around, and gripped hers instead. Held it firmly, and rubbed her palm with his thumb.
She looked up at him in awe. "Your hand works!" she chimed out, enthusiastically. "That's so nice!" He smiled back at her, with warm pride and satisfaction. But, as always with him, it seemed, his eyes contained so many more feelings too. She wanted to see only his pride and joy in getting his fit, healthy body back. But there was also still something scared about him. Insecure, nervous. And behind that, the deep, sore pain, that seemed to burden him down still, all the time. She knew some of it was still physical. His body might be well on the way to healing, but parts of his insides were clearly still a work in progress. He still couldn't breathe. There was more to it though. She had noticed that especially when his mind seemed to go wandering, into visions that only he could see, and his eyes went blank and distant. Or some mornings when she stayed with him while he was sleeping, and he'd twitch and turn in his sleep, and wake up sweating and shaking, with a stricken look on his face. She really wished he could talk to her. Tell her about all of this. Not that they had ever been much good with the talking before either, especially about him, but it would have been nice to at least have the opportunity to change that.
She looked down on his hand, firmly cuddling her own, and got an idea. She got up, went to Wesley's office behind the front desk of the hotel and collected pen, paper and a thick book that could be used as a writing board. She really hoped she had not chanced upon grabbing one of Wes' favorites.
When she got back to him, the look of hurt in Spike's face had gone all the more prominent. Ouch, bad Buffy. Thinking about their regrettable lack of communication, and then run off, without any explanation of why. What must he have thought? Well, good thing, she was about to find out! "I got something for you." She said, placed the book on his bed, with the paper clipped on to it with a paper clip, and handed him the pen. "Is there anything you'd like to ask me?"
Spike didnt react right away. His head was spinning. Was he finally gonna have a chance to ask her all those things he had been wondering for so long? Did he dare to? No. Not the big things at least, not right away. But there were plenty of not as touchy things to ask too. He could use the opportunity to get clarity in one of the apparently little things he had been bothered the most with, ever since the day he was captured: Time. While laying here in this bed, he still hadn't lost the feeling of it as a shapeless, changeless enemy, out of his control. He needed to lock it down. Get system and structure to it, like it so naturally had out in ordinary life. He put the pen to the paper, and asked. "What day is it?"
Wow. Buffy had to restrain herself not to laugh. With everything that had happened lately, with all the stuff they could have had to talk about, that was the first thing he wanted to know? Well, at least it wasn't any of the tough topics she had deep inside not wanted to talk about. "June 3rd. It's really summer now"
Oh! June? The last time he had had the chance to look at a calendar it had been mid-April. He had to know more about this. "How long was I gone?" That question seemed to stress Buffy up a little bit more. She looked almost ashamed. Could it be because she hadn't bothered to search for him much, during all this time? "I don't know." she confessed. "The First took on your appearance, and lived in our house. I couldn't tell that It wasn't you until one day when it became really obvious. I'm so sorry!"
Oh, wow, what news! She hadn't been looking simply because she didn't know he was missing, she wished she had come for him earlier, and that was what she felt guilty about? Not having spent all that time with Angel and forgotten about him? He didn't have time to process it, though, till Buffy continued talking. "And when I did figure it out, I still couldn't find you. I didn't know where to go, and no one would help. I couldn't come before!" Buffy's voice grew steadily shriller, and she was weeping now. It scared him. Buffy didn't get this worked up easily. Could it really only be her worry for him? Or was she holding something back? Something bigger. Besides, her story didn't add up. No one would help? She had most evidently had eager help from the now dusted Big Poof. He pointed that out on his writing sheet, in short, brief words. "Angel helped".
"Yes" she smiled. "He was great about it. Cared, gave me the strength to move on and keep going, when I was on the verge of giving up. It's thanks to him and his great ability as a tracking dog that we could come at all... Or, I don't know..." Her voice trailed off, and her face grew distant. Well, just as good. He hadn't felt like she was really talking to him for a little while now. Did she really think he had a need to know how kind and cuddly that jerk of a grand-sire of his had been to her while he was locked up and suffering? His impression that she had shut him out grew all the clearer when she got up in the middle of a sob, looked at him like he was something near the enemy, and ran out the door, not even bothering to close it behind her.
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Buffy needed to get out. She needed space. She needed fresh air. But most of all, she needed somewhere to cry. So much for a sweet, supportive conversation! A simple question about the calendar. That's all it took to get her off balance these days. To get her reminded of everything she had lost. That Angel was dust. And that she maybe had come too late to rescue Spike from the plan the First had for him. For a moment there, she had let her thoughts wander, and seen herself in the future, having to kill him, just like she had once had to with Angel, because whatever the First had done to him had kicked into action, and he had become a threat to her next save-the-world mission, and her whole friend gang. By the time her mind had flashed back to the numerous times in the past when Spike had tried to kill her or her friends, or efficiently splintered the scoobies apart and gotten them at each other's throat, she simply couldn't bear sitting there anymore.
As Buffy worked her way down the hallway, the uninvited thoughts continued to assault her mind up the to the point that she didn't realize Giles' presence until she practically plowed into him. She kept doing that, plowing into people, first Xander and now Giles. There was too much on her mind too frequently, but what could she do about it? Realistically, what could she really do? It kept coming at her, again and again, she kept being bashed over the head with more stress, depressing news, and life and death situations. She needed to crumble. Why couldn't she just have five minutes to crumble? She didn't want Giles to see her that way. She never wanted anyone to see her that way, but with how strained everything had been between the two of them, the thought of him watching her fall apart right now, she didn't know if she could bear it. At this point, she didn't know how he would even react to it. He was the one who was always telling her how strong she needed to be, that she was the Slayer, that the tough decisions fell on her. It was about logic, not her feelings. She had feelings! She was a rollercoaster of feelings and right now she didn't want to be the Slayer. She wanted to be Buffy!
Giles was taken aback by the emotions that he was seeing from her. She was so distraught she hadn't even noticed that she had fallen into his arms. She was in such a daze it was as though she didn't know where she was at all. He reached out his hands towards her and pulled her close, and just held her simply as she cried. He didn't say anything to her, but kept her in a tight embrace. Shame washed over him as he saw her face turn upwards towards him, searching his own, with anxious uncertainty, while she seemed to try to hold back her tears. He couldn't remember the last time that he had hugged her. It had been so long. He had been so concerned with her being prepared for the war, everything had fallen on her shoulders as it usually did with the Slayer, that was her duty after all, but maybe she could have used more of this. There had just been so much to worry about, The First, Spike, getting the girls prepared, maybe he had focused too much on those problems and not enough on her. Had he judged her more than guided her? Mistakes. There had been so many mistakes that he couldn't undo. Even though the world was safe now, his Slayer's heart was not. She had experienced so much during the last year and lost so much as an outcome. Now was the time to heal and he now recognized that that was why he hadn't yet left. He gave her what he hoped was a reassuring smile, and held her tighter, as her tears really started flooding.
They had arrived more than a week ago he realized and there had been no reason for him to stay this long, but he had watched her. He had quietly observed her from afar and she was not happy. He didn't remember a time when she smiled once. Even Angel's friends, Xander, everyone, though sad, still managed to find something humorous along the way. Buffy, she seemed to still be weighed down by duties, emotions, and the lack of ability to really get a break from them. There was a lack of opportunity for her to be able to. Now wasn't the time to leave her. He finally understood this. It was something that he wished he had understood before the first time he had left. She had needed him. She had been in too much of a bad state for her to take the cruel responsibilities of the world on. Yes, she had needed to learn to grow into adulthood, but then had not been the time. She was too fragile. She was too fragile now. No, going back to England could wait. It could wait for a little bit, till she was ready for him to not be there.
When the storm finally past and Buffy looked up at Giles she was awestricken. It was safe to say that she hadn't expected to be supported for a change, to have someone to lean on, to not be thrown aside when showing a weak moment. He hated to think that she was surprised that he would support her, but for the past two years he hadn't given her any reason to really think otherwise. So, he said the only thing that needed to be said right in that moment.
"I'm here for you. As long as you need me to be."
In response, Buffy hugged him tightly, the tears beginning again.
Giles simply returned the embrace.
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Buffy stood outside the door leading to Spike's room. Giles had gone back downstairs after her temporary insanity, but she found that she was glad that it had happened. She never thought she would ever feel glad to have succumbed to her emotions like that, and in front of someone no less, but she was. He had helped. That was the really funny thing about this. They hadn't said much to each other, but they didn't need to. Not then. Maybe later. For now, it was enough to know that she had his support. It meant the world to her to know that he was staying, because she needed him. History doesn't always have to repeat itself.
Speaking of history repeating itself…
She felt terrible for running out on Spike like that. She needed to make things right with him. Again. He could be thinking so many things right now and she was sure that none of them was right. He was perceptive, but given that the topic that she had run out on concerned Angel, she was sure that Angel was the only thing that he was willing to perceive. Yes, she was mourning. He knew that now. Deep down he probably always knew that, but it was more complicated than that. It was losing Angel. It was almost losing Spike. It was Angel maybe, or maybe not, being the very reason that she didn't lose Spike. These two vampires were a mess that she wondered if she was always going to be caught between, even if one of them was now dust. Was that why it was so hard for her to turn the door knob and make her way inside? She didn't want to see eyes filled with hurt and accusation. How could she ask him to be reasonable and, well, not a dope when he was hurting? Pain was the time you were most likely to be dopey after all. He was more than just not feeling good right now. He was recovering from a big thing. She just needed to be patient with him. He had earned patience.
Luckily, after her sob with Giles and chance to clear her head, she had found the perfect way to settle a few things with him. To give a better answer to the question he had asked that had derailed their conversation, and fill him in on everything else he probably wanted to know. In her hand, she carried a pen, and a calendar.
With that in mind, Buffy made her way inside. "Spike, I want to apologize for how things turned out earlier. And I've got something here that might help to really sort things out."
He looked at her with a blank but guarded expression, not letting anything out about what he thought of the idea. Buffy was a bit startled how his emotions didn't change with her new suggestion, like he was expecting this new initiative from her to not come up with much and not last long. Was he starting to get used to this from her? She did not like the thought of that. She didn't want that to be the impression that he had of her. Back and forth Buffy. Could she blame him? Sure, it made sense in this circumstance, but what about all the other circumstances? She didn't want to jerk him around and she didn't want him to be used to being jerked around by her. She was thinking too much.
She decided to just press on. She laid out the calendar in front of him and gave him the pen. Then she explained. "I thought we should try to figure out together the question you last asked." She looked at him and put up the warmest smile she could muster. "Could you mark off for me about the time you were abducted?"
He took the calendar and flipped open the April page to it, grabbed the pen and circled in, to the best of his abilities, approximately the day of his abduction. Then he handed her the pen, and looked up at her curiously. She checked out the calendar and nodded. "Ah. About a month then." She flipped the calendar over to May and circled another day. "This is the day we finally found you". Wow, a month. He couldn't decide if it was shorter or longer than he had expected. That meant that the stay in bed afterwards had been around two weeks. Half as long. It sure didn't feel like it. These weeks had flown away compared to the apparently never-ending torment down in the Initiative labs. At least now he was getting better each day, and spending the time with Buffy and her gang, rather than getting worse and worse, just waiting for impending dust. Amazing what difference that could make. A month away. It was still longer than he had been locked up any time before. And he had quite a bit of incidents to compare it to.
So, he had been missing for a whole month? Once again, she blamed herself for not being able to see it before. But now that she knew, it kinda made sense. The last time she could remember him touching something was when he had kicked Wood's ass. That was only a little before the date he had marked off in the calendar. Fit her well, sort of. It was from that point forth she had laid plans for which new events she needed to fill him in on.
She flipped the calendar back to April, and pointed to a new date, towards the end of the month. "On this day, we found out that the First had a right hand man, Caleb, who had just made his entrance to town, and sent a message to me that he had something of mine" She deliberately avoided telling how he had sent his message. She knew Spike would've been up to it, nothing seemed too gory for him, but she didn't care to remember it herself. She just wrote the incident down in the calendar between them. "Caleb comes to town".
Then she flipped the page to May and continued telling. About their attack at the Vineyard and how it had made it clear that the First was not Spike. About how she had wanted to go rescue him, but no one else was up to it. About how she had been kicked out of her home. At that point, Spike interrupted. He grabbed his writing pad from the nightstand and wrote. "Bloody gits. I would've kicked their ass and come looking for you, if I were there." Buffy smiled. "I know you would. But it was a difficult situation. They were all exhausted, and very scared of going up against Caleb and the First again so soon, after the complete failure that was the last time, where we lost so badly. Don't take it personal."
She continued, described and plotted into the calendar her fight with Caleb, and Angel's arrival. "Then you know the rest" she finished. "As soon as Caleb was dead, we went and found you. Angel set his nose to work all over Sunnydale, till we were able to pin down where you were." She left the calendar open on his lap, and sat back on the bedside chair.
So, Angel hadn't come until the day when they had rescued him? They hadn't spent all that time together? Well, never mind. He felt sure she had still deep inside wanted it to have been that way. She was probably out of her mind with joy when the Big Poof finally made his way there. And he had seen how much she was mourning him now. After his big heroic exit, sacrificing himself to save the world. Spike had to admit that part of him was almost jealous. Maybe if it had been him, dusting in that cave, as the savior of the world, Buffy might finally admire him as a hero too? Maybe.
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"I'm simply suggesting that it might be helpful if you accompanied all the older Slayers back to England." Wesley heatedly stated.
"Kennedy has made it perfectly clear that she does not wish to come back with us. I don't feel it's imperative that we force all of the girls back there. If I allow one to remain behind I have to allow the others to go off where they wish." Giles explained. "There's no need for all of them and myself to head for England at this point." He was not interested in going ten rounds with Wesley, but it seemed that he wasn't going to get a choice in that matter. The prat. Wasn't he fired by the council? Okay, so, he himself had been fired by the council too, but for much different reasons. He also had been reinstated, so that made him…better! Not that the council was around anymore, but it was the principle of the matter!
"There are a lot more Slayers at your disposal now-"
"All here, with us." Giles interjected.
"And more on the way, awaiting a British headquarter." Wesley spoke through clenched teeth. "So then you cannot allow them to run in disorder."
Andrew, who had been standing quietly by, watched the two of them go at it like a tennis match. It was so lively. He had always imagined the council being something dark, domineering, serious. Somewhat like the council of the Vulcans that Spock had to face. The council of watchers was gone, but a council made up of Giles and Wesley, well that would be exciting. Fascinating really! He found himself being pulled in more and more, the excitement growing from within him, ready to burst.
"The other girls that we will be rounding up will be new. They are the ones who need your services more than ever."
Wesley gave Giles a piercing look. Giles clenched his jaw to match Wesley's. "I have my Slayer already. What they need are their own watchers…which they will get, once we can get ourselves organized."
Wesley interrupted. "You are the one of us who has the best overview and contact with what's left of the Watcher's Council. If anyone can pull off the organizing our old organization desperately needs right now, it's you. And as to the Watching of the original Slayer, I do believe we've both had that title at some point. And that it is better use of resources in our current situation that I assume the responsibility of watching her through her new responsibilities as part of our team here in L.A. I've been around here longer, and dare say I know the ropes of the place a bit better than you do. No offense."
Giles hated to admit it, but Wesley had a point. The remnants of the Council needed to be reunited, and after everything, they probably felt less skeptical of him than they would of Wesley. "None taken. And I bet the girls would agree with you" he added grumblingly. "Not all the girls are taking off on their own. Some have expressed interest in coming along."
Wesley nodded "I don't feel it's wise for girls who have been slayers for five minutes, had minimal training, and fought in a war for another five minutes to be on their own amidst all this evil."
"Yes, that doesn't sound very wise at all." Andrew rubbed his chin in a contemplative manner.
"Thank you." Wesley smirked, pleased to finally be appreciated in this area. He did have expertise after all.
Giles snorted.
"What?" Wesley looked perplexed.
"I'm just glad he's not my support." Giles took a sip of tea from the mug he had been holding. "As I said, I can't make all the others go if I'm not making Kennedy. I realize it's different. Kennedy will be here with a team. She will be learning from the oldest living Slayer to date, but there's such a thing known as free will, which was a little lacking with the other council if you might remember."
Wesley was all too pleased to see that some progress had made with Giles. It had been a few years since they had been face to face, speaking at such great lengths and Sunnydale wasn't his proudest moment, even he could admit, but Giles couldn't see him beyond their last less than desirable encounter. He recognized his faults there; he had much more field experience working alongside Angel, but it seemed Giles was too busy living in the past than recognizing the future. It thus pleased him immensely that Giles now at least was willing to listen to him, now that he had come and told about this inappropriate plan to cancel the trip and stay here with the Slayer instead. Who knows, perhaps Willow had put in a good word or two about him after lending her help a few weeks ago, maybe it had made Giles more willing to listen to his point, but obviously something had happened.
"Wouldn't it be nice," Andrew began, interrupting Wesley's train of thought. "if you could set up a school of sorts where the older slayers taught the younger ones. With pay. A sort of motivation for them to come along."
Giles and Wesley both stared at Andrew in stunned silence.
Andrew shifted uncomfortably under their gaze.
Giles then turned towards Wesley. "That's brilliant."
"A school! Of course!" Wesley grinned happily.
"The watchers I'm in contact with can train these girls. Give us time to put this school together, get everything organized, get the newly turned potentials rounded up and by the time we're ready, the older trained slayers will be experts, or at least, more than capable of taking on the role as teacher."
"Where will you get the funds for this?" Wesley inquired though his excitement about the idea was clearly written on his face.
"Oh, you know the council has more than enough stored away. They're the biggest cheapskates. They could never spare a penny for even a slayer who's risking her life."
Andrew stepped back and smiled at Wesley and Giles' newfound back and forth. Peace and tranquility had been restored once again.
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Xander sat on the couch in the main lobby lost in thought. He didn't have too many people to talk to right and he wasn't all that motivated to do so. Giles, Wesley, and surprisingly, Andrew were excitedly rambling among themselves over something. Willow and Kennedy were talking quietly off to themselves and it seemed the rest of Angel's old team were spread out, quiet themselves, hard news had hit them only about a week prior to this. He understood how they felt. He may not have been Angel's biggest fan, but he got it. It took a lot more than a week to get over something like this.
He felt a dip in the couch and he looked over. He smiled softly. "Hey look, it's the Buffster." Just the one that he wanted to see. He supposed that he could always chat it up with Dawn, but he didn't see himself really digging deep with her into the painful hole that was left in his heart. She was smart, she'd get it more than most people her age given what she had grown up around, but still she was like a kid sister to him. He couldn't put that on her.
Buffy read the expression his face. She knew it too well. It was the one that she had been wearing all week. "Everything okay?"
"Yeah. It comes in waves. And by waves I mean all the time." Xander let out a sad laugh, which Buffy greeted with a sympathetic smile. "I don't know what would have happened between Anya and me. I really don't. It would have been nice to be able to find out, you know?"
Buffy nodded her head. "I know."
"Just like Willow knows with Tara. Even Giles with Jenny. Think now that The First is gone this means that we can stop losing people?"
"I think it will help. Not so much with The First being defeated, but all the Slayers we have running around, lots of reinforcements for Buffy and friends." Buffy smiled warmly. "It'll take a lot of the work off of our shoulders too. Plus, no hellmouth here. I hear that makes a difference."
Xander nodded. "Bright spots all around us then. So, how goes it with you? Anything less mopey?"
Buffy shrugged. "I guess I came down here to vent too. How sad are we?"
Xander looked at her with amusement. "Very. But, hey, misery loves some company. Let us bask in it. Tell me, Buffy, what are the stories happening up on the second floor?"
"Well, Spike's still painfully thin. He's getting better though. Making with the whole bones and ability to write with his hands."
"That's great!" Xander then laughed. "Did I just say that's great about Spike getting mobile again? That means he'll be making with the talking again. And someday soon he'll be able to get out of bed again too."
"Xander…"Buffy gave him a warning glance.
"I don't mean it that way. Which is weird for me, but I don't. He's not so bad with a soul I guess…"
"The lack of a demon being in control helps, huh?" Buffy smirked. "Did you two bond or something when you were living together? I bet you did. Late night chats."
"No! No…I mean. Okay, sometimes he'd put Melrose Place on, and I don't know, I'd get sucked in, but that was it!"
"Right. Well, anyway, moving right passed that, I just worry about him. Even with the getting better and everything. It's going to be hard for that to matter much if he's so underweight." Buffy sighed.
Xander nodded. "Have you tried talking to him about it?"
"No. Not really." Buffy admitted. "I just didn't want to push him. I did too much with the pushing before."
"Just don't start shoving blood down his throat and you should be good there." Xander teased but was only met with another glare. "Too soon?"
"Yeah. But. That was my fault. All my fault." Buffy shook her head. "I have half a mind to give him more of my blood."
"Wait, more of your blood. When was there blood giving before?" Xander looked at her alarmed.
"Back at my house. When he was first rescued. It was no big. It just helped heal him and he needed fast healing at that point." Buffy shrugged.
Xander sat back, the meaning behind this weighing heavy on him. "Wow."
"What wow?" Buffy raised an eyebrow.
"Just wow. Just, I can't believe you let another vampire bite you. You know, because the last time you did that it worked out so well. And I'm not talking Dracula here." Xander shook his head in disbelief.
Buffy sighed, anger starting to build in her. "He needed my help. Spike might not have pulled through otherwise."
"There was plenty of pig's blood in the house."
"He needed something a bit stronger than that! God, Xander. You know what he's been through. You saw the condition that he was in. How could he have survived on just animal blood?"
"Just like Angel wouldn't have survived, which, might I remind you, that you almost died in his place. What made you think that Spike would have had any more control than Angel did that day?" Xander spoke sternly.
Buffy looked down, the fight going out of her as quickly as it had come in. It was still a blow to her, hearing Angel's name, especially like that, to speak bad about him when he was gone. Salt meet wounds. "I was right." Buffy said quietly. "He never hurt me."
Xander saw the pain in her eyes. He didn't need to see the pain to know it had been an insensitive thing to say. Angel was dead. Recently. Just like Anya was. He knew that he wouldn't want anyone talking about her. He didn't think that he could take it. Even if he had never liked Angel, now wasn't the time for that. There didn't need to be a time for it anymore. He was gone, and whether he liked him or not Buffy had loved him, and now she was grieving. That should be something that he could relate to. "It was your choice. You have the right to make a choice. It's your life. Besides, I shouldn't be casting stones. Engaged to a demon once here. I know what it's like to love the supernatural. If Anya had needed something from me, anything from me, I would have given it to her in a second."
Xander looked away, the pain of saying her name written on his face. Buffy looked up and saw it. Despite his looking away, she could see it, because it was the same way she had been carrying herself since Angel had gone down. "Xander…"
Xander turned back and looked at her, tears now present along with a rolling of his eyes at himself. "Maybe that's not true, right? Maybe, I wouldn't have done everything for her, because I didn't do anything for her."
"That's not true-"
"Then how come I'm here and she's not" Xander looked at her intensely. "How come she's dead and I'm able to sit here and talk to you? If I were willing to do everything, how come I couldn't muster up enough strength to get out of that damn bus and go help her!"
Buffy put an arm around him. She knew too well what he was going through. What if she could have done something? What if, she didn't know, she could have stayed there with Angel and helped him? At the last second, when all the damage had been done, ripped the necklace from him and they could have escaped together. What if she could have saved him? Her head knew how illogical that was, it was a non-possibility, but her heart betrayed her, reprimanding her that she hadn't tried hard enough. If only she had tried more!
"Andrew watched her die in battle." Buffy reminded him gently. "She fought bravely, but she wasn't able to make it. You getting out of that bus, dragging yourself into battle, it wouldn't have changed that. You both would have been killed."
"But I just sat there." Xander spoke through tears. "I sat there like she was nothing. Like she didn't matter. I let her go into war without me by her side."
Buffy shook her head. "No, you couldn't have done anything. You weren't in the condition for fighting. She knew that. She would have ordered you right back onto that bus."
Xander sighed. "Do you wonder? Why them? Why it wasn't it us? Does that thought cross your mind too?"
Buffy nodded. "It does. A lot of thoughts do. Very similar to yours. I don't know if there's anything in life that hurts worse. I thought that every time I decided it was time to strike, and sent girls into action. Like "how many of them are going to die now for me?" I never did good enough to protect them. She gave him a sardonic smile "it was some crap of a year in general. But like you said, things have every hope of getting better now."
Xander sighed. "Sometimes I think that I can never be okay. That I can never feel better. With her gone, every step I take, every conversation I have, there, in the back of my head, there's a reminder that she's gone and the rest is meaningless."
Buffy nodded her head. Boy, did she get that. She had been there too often in the past. Angel, her mother, Angel again, it hurts all over and you can't get past the fact that they're simply just not here. She didn't know how she was going to get through this, to move on, to not feel it. She had managed it somehow the last time Angel left her though. She had with her mother, somehow. She still missed her terribly, but she had gotten through it. She dearly longed for the day when this whole thing started to get possible to live with again this time too. "It's going to feel that way for some time and that's okay. But they wouldn't want us to feel that way forever. She wouldn't want you to be in pain. It's okay to mourn, but Angel and Anya both, it'd hurt them to know we always hurt."
Xander nodded his head in agreement. "Yeah, you're right. When did you get so wise?"
Buffy smiled good-naturedly. "You pick up a thing or two when you die yourself."
Xander returned the smile. "Thanks, Buff. It means a lot. You being here for me. And, so you know, with Spike and your concerns with him, just gently bring up the blood thing now and again. Don't force it on him and don't do it every time you're around him. Once he starts healing more, he'll start to feel better. He'll be okay. He's heading in the right direction. If he wasn't getting better at all then I'd be worried."
Buffy smiled softly. "Thanks, Xander. I appreciate your advice."
Xander nodded. He had always felt close to Buffy. His whole life may have fallen down around him, but he wasn't alone. There was a chance of rebuilding after all.
***************************************************
A few days went by before Buffy found the right chance to bring up her food worries with Spike. He kept not eating much, and his condition didn't really seem to change any. But then one evening she came to check on him she might have gotten reason to reconsider that. There Spike was, on the bed, moving his legs around ever so slightly, testing them just a bit. It seemed he was testing them as much as he dared to in that moment. His brow furrowed as gazed down at his legs with curiosity. His hands were feeling their way around the wounded knee, as he kept bending it just a little bit more.
Buffy went to his side right away. "Oh, Spike. That's so good!"
Spike looked up at her, his face holding the same curious gaze on it.
"Do you want to try walking?" Buffy encouraged. "I could help you stand up. We can give walking a try."
Spike paused thoughtfully at her offer and then slowly agreed with a slight nod of his head. He was hesitant about this. His feet might be able to hold him up again, but that knee he was less trusting of. Still... he so badly wanted it to work. He felt so ready to get up again. It was nice to know that he was coming back together again. Soon, everything would be just fine, he'd be able to walk again. He'd be able to fight again. He'd be able to run after Buffy when she rushed out of the room in tears. He damned his condition for this one. He wasn't one for giving her space until it was blatantly obvious that there was no other choice. Her running out like that, over Angel, it still bothered him. What would he have said to her if he had followed her? The guy was a git. Nothing but a git. He didn't understand her pain at all, because Angel was a git. That was what it came down. He was sure of it. He just, he wished that it wasn't so easy for her to walk out on him like that. She was back though. That's where things were different. He could see that difference. She kept coming back to him. He didn't always have to go to her. That was something. It was something big.
"Don't be too upset if you can't walk right away." Buffy spoke as she slowly helped him to sit up. "I'm sure with a little bit more blood you'll be able to if you have a hard time. Still, it'll be good to know how far along you are." Buffy helped get his legs over the side of the bed and then very gently she put a supporting arm around him helping him to stand.
Spike smiled softly. He was standing up. He hadn't stood up in so long. A month, he had learned. A whole month without standing. And then another two weeks in this bed. Here he was. It wasn't perfect, he needed Buffy's help doing so…wait...that sounded pretty damn perfect to him. Her arm around him, that was better than walking on his own. He couldn't have hidden the smile that was on his face for anything.
"Try and take a step." Buffy continued to encourage ever so gently. "It's okay if you can't, but it might be fun to try."
Spike took a gentle step forward, very slowly. There was some slight pain in his legs as he did so. They were most definitely stiff, and weak from their lack of usage, but they were well on their way down the road to recovery.
Another step. And another step. One more step.
He was walking.
No. Falling. He was falling now…
He had been half right. His wounded knee was sufficiently healed, bone-wise, to walk on again, but still weak, and a bit stiffer than the unbroken one. So when he tried putting his full weight on that leg, he tripped over and ended in ... Buffy's arms. There were perks to this condition after all.
"Okay. That's enough walking for now." She carefully helped him back and over to the bed, getting him situated comfortably once more. "That was really great, Spike. I'm so relieved to see that you're doing better."
"Can I talk to you about something? Something I noticed?" Buffy asked remembering that he needed to know that he had choice in everything.
Spike simply nodded.
"It's about your eating or your lack thereof. I know that your stomach probably doesn't feel great after the malnourishment and well…things." Buffy decided to back off the surgery talk. That was not a memory that she should be forcing him to have right now or ever for that matter. "But it's really important that you start eating more than you've been. If that little bit of blood helped getting you walking, even if it was only a few steps, imagine how much more it could do for you. It's just…it's up to you…I just wanted to give you something to think about."
If Spike could have sighed he would have. Instead he wrote. "Been patient with you the whole time you've been in here, Buff. Not like me. So…Stop talking to me like I'm five." Spike gave her a pointed look.
Buffy smirked. "I'm being serious, Spike. I want you to get better."
Spike returned to his board before holding it up once more, with a sarcastic look to go with it. "Yeah, and I want to get sicker." He rolled his eyes.
Buffy put her hands on her hips, exasperated. "You've been given the ability to communicate for a few days now and the only thing you have to write is sarcasm and rude remarks?"
Spike wrote back with sly grin on his face. "I have a month to make up for."
***************************************************
"Everyone, I have an important announcement to make."
Andrew stood before the now combined group of Buffy and Angel's team. Another week had come and gone and there was nothing left to do here. Agreements had been made with those who were leaving and those were staying, so it was time to move on to the next phase of their lives, the next phase of the world. During the plans the Watchers made for these new slayers, he had finally found his great calling in life, and he needed to share it with everyone.
"As you know, Mr. Giles, Wesley, and I have been working tirelessly on perfecting the plans for the new school that will be set up for all the new slayers. And being around them, and everyone these past few months, I've come to realize something about myself, my future." Andrew straightened up with pride. "I am going to train to be a watcher, so that one day I too will have a slayer of my own. One that I can bestow my knowledge and experience on. One that I can mold-"
"Did you really gather us all around, so you could tell us this?" Xander interrupted.
"You could have just had this conversation with Giles. He's the one who can set you up." Dawn pointed out.
"I did…" Andrew admitted.
The crowd broke up, going about their business, with sudden lack of interest. Andrew hung his head and sighed.
Giles approached the group huddled towards the back of the main lobby, knowing that there were some special people that he needed to say goodbye too. "Mind if I interrupt for a moment?"
Buffy, Xander, and Willow all looked up when they noticed Giles' presence, sad eyes all around with the knowledge that in a few moments it'd be farewell for a couple of weeks at least.
"It's been a pleasure to be back here." Giles began. "Given the circumstances."
"We survived. The core Scoobies. That's got to count for something." Willow stated, trying to be cheerful.
"Yes, I imagine so…I will keep in touch. Let you know how things are doing out there and you will let me know how things are setting up here." Giles stated knowing the answer. He turned his face specifically at Buffy, and muttered. "You know I'll be back as soon as possible. I'm just going to gather up the rest of the remaining council members, and see that the new slayers are taken care of, and the plans for the school gets started. I have filled Andrew in on all of the plans, so once I have gotten everyone together and at it, they can be left alone ... I hope."
Buffy giggled a little. "Well, then at least he can be used for something."
"Organization all around. It's a new day for vampires. They're going to have to up their game." Xander stated, trying to be optimistic.
"All those Slayers, plus the two power groups of California coming together, we'll almost be able to live a normal life." Xander paused. "Almost."
"Soon enough that very well may be true. It'll take a bit of time getting the Slayers trained and stationed in their respective areas, but I'm confident that a system can be put in place." Giles commented.
"Normal…"Buffy's voice trailed off for a moment. "I'll have to google that one. I can hardly remember what it is."
Willow smiled. "I know what you mean. It was so long ago that the only thing I had to worry about was if I remembered to study for an upcoming test.
"Yeah, like you could ever forget to do that. The world could be coming to an end and you'd still make time for it." Xander smirked.
Giles smiled. "Well, I best be going now. Buffy, before I do, can I have a moment alone with you?"
Buffy nodded her head as Giles and she moved away from everyone else off to a more secluded area.
"What's up?" Buffy tried to sound peppy. She knew that even with Giles staying behind he was only going to be able to do that for so long. He really was needed elsewhere this time around; however, it meant everything to her that he had put off going just for her. That little extra time, to have help and support, it had made a world of a difference.
"Are you really okay with my leaving, because if you're not…"Giles began.
Buffy gave him a soft smile. "I'm okay. I'm not perfect, but I'm okay. It's going to take some time, but the shock of everything has worn off. That helps."
"If you do still need me here then I will stay behind." Giles looked at her sincerely.
What a difference two years make. Buffy nodded. "I know you would. You did, but there's things for you to do. There's even things for me to do. You heard Xander, a normal life is reachable, so the sooner you get this new system straightened out the sooner we can have that."
"I'm only a phone call away." Giles assured her. "I know these past few months have been trying. No, it's been longer. These past few years have been quite difficult, but you're not alone. I regret taking myself out of the equation when you needed to know that most."
"You were trying to help." Was it helpful? No. There was a lot of that, trying to do what was right, but doing the opposite. Everyone had done that kicking her out, she had done that with the horrible pill incident with Spike. No one's perfect. No one could be everything. Maybe she needed to stop trying to be that herself.
"I didn't. I see that now. I wish I had seen it sooner. It might have prevented me from doing so a time or two more." Giles sighed.
Buffy didn't need him to elaborate. She had been on the receiving end of his, somewhat, domineering decision making. The choice to take Spike out knowing her feelings on the matter, again, being part of the group that had tossed her aside. His flaws, her flaws, so many flaws present in her mind, but you couldn't take them back. You couldn't reach out and grab that moment. You could only right where the wrong had been made. "We're past all of that now. It's a new day. Not just literally, but everything is going to change."
"A fresh start for us." Giles smiled softly.
Buffy returned the smile sweetly. "I'd like that."
They shared in their smile for a moment longer before Giles' own became filled with one of goodbye. "I'll call you as soon as I land."
With one last hug, Buffy watched Giles walk away. Only this time it didn't weight quite so heavily on her heart. He'd be back. No matter how rough their relationship had gotten, or could get, he would always be support to her. He would always be…Giles. She could count on him. That was all she needed to know.
***************************************************
He had made vast improvements. At least, that's what she told him, but if he were being honest with himself he could see it as well. It was impossible to miss. He walked much better now, though he hadn't ventured far from his room. He didn't want to, not without the ability to speak. He wasn't high on too many people seeing him any more vulnerable than they already had. His broken bones had mended, any cuts and bruising that had remained were gone now, and the painful lung regrowth had subsided. He was well on his way to finally being cured. There were times when he wondered if it would be possible, if he would be him again. Now, he'd be able to take care of himself again, do what he does best, fight evil and put this whole nasty business behind him. As soon as he staked his first vampire it'd be just like old times. It'd be as though he had never been away from it in the first place.
The creaking of the stairs caught his attention, but he didn't need to guess who it was. It wasn't because Buffy was his most frequent visitor, though Willow, Fred, and even Dawn poked their head in every now and again. No, it was the simple fact that he could smell her. He'd never forget her scent…wait…smell her? He could smell her? His eyes widened with that realization! Scent! He had scent back! He had missed it so much! What a way to welcome it back, the scent of Buffy wafting into his room! He couldn't have thought of a better first scent than that.
He pulled in air with that scent so hungrily that his all-new lungs went cramping, and sent him into a coughing fit. But that was a blessing in itself. To actually be able to cough. The smell of Buffy was getting nearer, along with her footsteps. She was just around the corner now. He decided to play a little trick on her.
Buffy had come up to Spike's room rather upset with Giles' exit. She was okay with him going, but that didn't mean that she wasn't going to miss him, especially since they had reconciled. It was a step in the right direction between them. Giles hadn't been Giles, not in the last two years, and the past two weeks it felt like the old him had finally returned. Helped her, held her, even stopped giving any hints that she should not spend time with Spike. It felt like whatever darkness that had been in him, whatever it was that was making him so narrow minded, and even hurtful, had finally melted away from him. The right direction, that's where things needed to move, and since they were she couldn't help but really feel his absence here. So, she had gone to Spike. She didn't want to lay it on him, but maybe just lay with him? He could comfort her without really knowing that he was comforting her. That'd be nice…
The sight that met her when she came in took Buffy aback. He wasn't there! The bed was empty, and she could not see him out in the room either. She slowly turned around, but before she had reached to turn much, she felt his cold hands around her waist, holding her firmly, as his head were moving down on hers. Just as she started to think he was going for her neck, he bent in towards her ear, and said, in a voice loud enough to make no need for such measures "Hello, Buffy."
A tear slipped down from Buffy's cheek. Spike could finally speak again.