Chapter 14 – Exit Strategy

It was strange how much easier it was to be a well-functioning member of the team now, when he had the exit-plan ready. Everything came readily to him. He slept well, got up early, had dinner with the gang and listened to what people were saying without difficulties, while making quick and fun answers. Went about the day's chores with so much enthusiasm that he could see it both surprised and pleased Buffy. Made jokes and messed around with her, made her feel good and laugh. It was so good to finally be able to be the man she wanted him to be. He decided to make this day all that she had wanted lately. He could now. He had the energy for it, given that it was the last one he had to go through. The weight was lifted off his shoulders. He was free.

When she walked through the door to go out on a patrol it was the only moment his peace was interrupted. He felt his heart squeeze. There was a downside to everything in life, as well as in death. He would have to leave her. It was the part of this plan that tripped him up. It was the part that filled him with so much pain for this choice that he was making. He didn't want to never be with her again. He didn't want to never be able to see her face, hear her speak, go ten rounds with her. It was the only way though. It had to be this way. It was better for her too that this happened. He couldn't be here anymore. He just…he couldn't carry on any longer. It was beyond the recent events that had taken place. Perhaps it was what was done to him that had really pushed him in the direction that he needed to go in, the straw that broke the camel's back. But he had begun hating himself the moment his body was filled with his soul. He couldn't bear it. For so long, he had to bear it! He had to fight on! There was a bleeding apocalypse that he had to fight for her and he hadn't even been able to do that in the end! His purpose, the reason that had kept him from going mad was because she needed him. But she didn't need him, not anymore. He slowed her down. He made her hurt. He was so tired of making her hurt! He was so tired of feeling all of this, the guilt, the evil within, the voices that never seemed to stop screaming in his head, the constant alert mode, just waiting for the next crisis. He needed to finally rest. They both did.

So, when Buffy walked through that door his eyes didn't leave the sight until she was completely gone. He stood there for a little while after, keeping the image of her in his mind.

Then he went to find Xander.

Quiet. Very quiet. He couldn't be caught by any of the others still around. Spike didn't have time for being questioned. What would he say? He was on important business that only Xander could know about? Whoever took notice of him, would figure he had gone completely carrot-top. They thought this anyway. They were right. Even so, he'd be figured out, or, at the very least, they would know that there was something to figure out. He had to press on. He had to be careful about not alerting anyone other than Xander. He was the most logical one to help him in this situation after all.

He found The Boy's room and knocked on the door gently, waiting to see if he were in there. It was late in the hours; he must be in there. He couldn't imagine that anyone was downstairs still unless they were all worrying about this Lindsay bloke. From what he had heard the guy didn't seem like that much of a danger. He sounded like he was more of an annoyance than anything else.

The door opened, a tired Xander gazing at him, remaining on crutches. It was moments like these that Spike remembered how difficult it was to be human and try to save the world. It was a gig that was made up of set-backs. Of course, even being a vampire his little extras weren't made to heal everything it seemed. Though, now, he had a found a way to take care of that problem. He had finally figured it. Truthfully, he had known that this was the answer all along. He had thought about it before, but had never vocalized it out loud. He hadn't really entertained the idea for much more than a few seconds, but now he knew that it was the right way to deal with all of this. It was the right way for himself, and Buffy especially, to finally be at peace. He just had to get Xander on board. The Carpenter. It made sense.

"Spike?" Xander stared at him in complete confusion. Needless to say, Spike was not the person he figured would be knocking on his door at this hour. So, why was he here now?

"Got a lil proposal for you. Let's have ourselves a chat." Spike stated while inviting himself into Xander's room.

So, specific hotel rooms you were occupying didn't require an invitation. That was good to know, Xander thought to himself. Not that he would have rejected admittance to the bleach blonde vampire. Maybe his being so pushy was a good sign. Then again, maybe it wasn't. It all depended on your perspective. Though, Xander had to admit, it was strange for even him to see Spike so quiet and out of it these days. It was weird for everyone. It just didn't feel like him. Even if he did have a tendency to drive everyone up the wall with all his insults and demanding ways, he was Spike. He was like that weird Uncle that had to be invited over for Thanksgiving every year. You humored him.

This had all the way seemed like a good Spike-day. One so good he hadn't even been annoying. Which was almost suspicious in itself. So, Xander was very curious as to what he was up to now.

Xander eyed Spike as he made his way over to his wooden dresser, placing his hand on top of it, staring at it contemplatively. What was so fascinating about it, Xander couldn't quite figure out. And with Spike's volatile mood lately, he wasn't sure how to pose the question. How to approach him? He couldn't just let his tongue fly lose and throw his usual banter his way. The old Spike wouldn't have minded; he would have shoved it right back. This Spike might very well too, but it wouldn't be right. He knew what had happened to him, the ordeal he'd been through recently, and though survivors often didn't want to be treated different, it was common courtesy to try to be a little considerate. Even if Spike most likely would find that to be insulting.

"So, ah, what's up?" Xander finally spoke out aloud, realizing that Spike wasn't going to.

Spike calmly looked up at him. Too calmly. Xander felt a chill go through him at the sight. There was something in his eyes. Stark determination. Over what, he couldn't figure out, but maybe if he was quiet Spike would tell him.

"You work with wood, yeah?" Spike inquired.

Xander gave a slight double take at that question. Not what he expected. He didn't know what had been expecting, but whatever it was that wasn't it. "Yeah. I work with wood. I work with steel. I even work with bricks. You'd remember. It was part of the nickname you dubbed me once" he quipped.

"Yeah. Not interested in the lot of that. Wood mostly." Spike looked back down at the dresser. "Have some right here."

"Actually, that's plastic wood grain. Looks like wood though." Xander shrugged.
Spike took his hand off it, somewhat disappointed. "Oh. Should have remembered that." He stated quietly from himself. [

Xander stared at him dumbfounded. "Spike, are you alright?"

Spike's eyes lifted up towards Xander once more. "Have some of it lyin' 'round, yeah?"

"Plastic wood grain?" Xander inquired, his confusion only deepening.

"No, you Nit. Wood." Spike heaved a sigh.

Xander shook his head unable to piece this together. "Sure you could peel some off a tree if you want it so bad."

"Branches work." Spike thought deeply. "Not the point. Not why I'm here."

"Why are you here? Still, pretty fuzzy on that, gotta say."

"I want to die, and, if memory serves, you want to help." Spike stated flatly.

Xander almost jumped back at that. Okay. Woah! Slow down there. That's why he had come here! Sure, the sudden interest in wood made a lot more sense. But, suicide? And coming here? Coming to him! He did not need to be part of this. He didn't want to be part of this. Yes, he had once said those words, but that was several years ago, in a different world, to a different Spike. "Spike, go back to bed."

"Why's that then? Been waitin' for this for years haven't you? Got your chance. Offerin' it up. Fancy yourself a poke then. See how much I pop." Spike clapped his hands together at that.

Xander stared at him for a moment before speaking. He needed to put an end to this right now. Why him? He said that awhile back and that was before Spike had a soul. It was when Spike had wanted them all dead. So, one comment a few years ago, under those circumstances, made him the one to go to when he wanted to be put down? That was not fair … Okay, be smart! Think! Logic. Use that. "Buffy." Xander blurted out before reverting to a more calm voice. "Face it, Spike. She'd never let you go through with this plan. Give it up. Go back to bed. I'll go with you"

"Buffy's not here." Spike stated evenly.

It was scary how even his voice was, how controlled.

***************************************************

Another night, another patrol, and what had come to be the usual routine, she had company with her. She had to admit, it wasn't the most ideal of company. Somewhere along the way Wesley had gotten this crazy notion that since Giles was no longer here, he could try his hand at dipping back into his old Watcher days. As she remembered it, things didn't go over too well the first time. In fact, being a Watcher really wasn't Wesley's calling. Right now, he was rambling on about his greatest Angel Investigation triumphs. She had too much on her mind right now to listen. As long as he kept it only to storytelling and didn't try to take a more active role than that it was fine.

They needed to find Lindsay. They might not have any leads on where he could be, but that didn't matter. He needed to be found and he needed to be found right away. He was too much of a wild card and Angel's team, now her team, one big team…they were sure that if he was back it could only mean one thing, vengeance. It would more than likely come in the form of Wolfram & Hart. It had to be the case. You couldn't risk coming back into a town that had multiple people out to get you unless you had something very big on your side. Given his past employment, she was betting he had somehow gotten them back.

She had thought about dropping in, seeing Wolfram & Hart for herself, checking in to see if he was there. It wasn't a good plan though. She'd make herself known. By now they already knew about her, but so far their paths had not needed to cross. She clearly hadn't killed one of their clients yet. She hadn't stumbled upon their latest scheme at the moment, assuming they had one with their main target now gone. That hurt too much to think about.

Angel's demise would always hurt too much to think about. She needed to have a new focus. Lindsay, she could just go back to thinking about him. If he were back in town than it seemed this firm did have its sights set on a new plan. But then, she was jumping to too many conclusions. She was deciding what was taking place without really knowing if Wolfram & Hart had any involvement at all. She needed to play it smarter than that. She needed to simply look for the man. If she found Lindsay then she'd find exactly what problems in this town, known or not, that he had a hand in. She knew she shouldn't be too eager for Wolfram & Hart to be involved in this. Given the headache they had given everyone over the years, she should cherish the time before she did have to start dealing with them.

Once she did start her dealings with them, they would be destroyed. There was too much evil coming from that firm. Talk about a shift in balance to the side of good if she was able to take them out. It wouldn't be something she could do with the snap of her fingers. Angels' team had been at this for years and had never been able to do it. They saved those they could. You did the good that you able to when the opportunity presented itself. It was a very complicated operation. It seemed they felt they controlled the whole world. Unfortunately, in some ways, they did have a hand in manipulating a lot of it. They were cockroaches. If there was one thing that they would be very good at then it was surviving. They'd do that by any means necessary. It didn't matter who it cost.

They had never met her before. They had never met her team before.

She wasn't better than Angel. Buffy knew this. She was different. Her team was different. With their combined efforts they were stronger. They could see ways to take down this firm at all kinds of different angles. They would do this. It could take a few years, but she was going in strong with that end goal in mind. They would do this.

But first, she needed to find Lindsay. One problem at a time. It was better to focus on the one that had actually manifested itself at the moment.

As if she could, the moment she decided that her thoughts fell to Spike. Talk about more than one problem there. He was riddled with them. She had tried. She was really trying still, but when things didn't bounce back right away, what had she done? She had become exasperated with him. She had let him see her frustration. She of all people should know what it was like to feel the way that he did. Yes, it was different. There were certain things that she wasn't going to pretend that she understood. It'd be insulting if she did. She had never experienced anything like the level of torture that he had undergone. Of course, he hadn't bounced right back. Of course, he had frozen. How many times had she frozen, lost track of all time, in her own depression? How could she really expect him to behave any differently? She had gotten him involved a bit more than he had been before. Sometimes it had to feel worse before it felt better. It was the healing process. It looked like he was doing better today. There was hope. Perhaps she was not able to give him the help he had needed, but the talk he had had with Fred last night seemed to have done wonders. Some part of her hated that. What was it Fred did that she couldn't? This stranger, that waltzed in and melted her frozen vampire! It probably wouldn't last long…

Buffy carried on down the street, stake in her hand, watching as people made their way around the city clueless to what was around them. They couldn't handle the truth. It took a special type of person to be able to accept the evil that was in this world. It took someone even more special to then be able to dedicate your life to fighting it. She wasn't giving herself a pat on the back or anything, okay, maybe just a little, but it was her friends too. They were special. They had been able to handle the truth. They had been able to do good with the tragedy that had made them realize the existence of vampires in the first place.

Jesse.

It had been a long time since she had thought of him. She had hardly known him. That's what had done it though. That's what really had gotten both Xander and Willow in the game. Sure, they had been attacked themselves, but they had tried to play the usual game she heard after an attack. They had tried to put a wall around the truth, a trick of the light, lies such as those. They couldn't keep to that, not when the vampires had Jesse, especially not after he had been turned. Once upon a time Xander and Willow had been as in denial about this world as much as the people she was watching were right now. That innocence had been ripped away. This life ripped all innocence away.

Her friends were special. She was special. She was Chosen. She wasn't the only chosen one anymore, but she was still very much chosen. A girl still destined to take out evil. She had always wanted to be like those clueless people, bar hopping, or finding the best club in town to party at. It had never been her role. She wondered if it ever would. Girls were changing all over the world. Everything was going to change as soon as things became organized. How would it all shift? Would she have a normal life? Or a somewhat normal life? She'd never been clueless though, not like the people she was watching now. She'd always have a duty. Her innocence would always be forever ripped away, but that had happened long ago. You begin to forget to miss it after a while.

She knew it was part of why she had hardened. She couldn't have an innocent view of the world and expect to do her job well. So, when she envisioned where Spike should be at, when she was at a loss for what to do, someone like Fred had to swoop in. Fred, great with the emotions. Great with the words. She wasn't a Slayer, but she seemed to constantly be saving the day. She was supposed to be saving the day when it came to Spike, not some strange southern lady that he had never met before. It should be her. After everything that they had, with all the things they felt, it should be her!

Who was she going to blame this on? Fred. She found several times that she almost had a pang of jealousy before reminding herself that the girl was trying to help. No, not trying. She was helping. Fred was helping where Buffy was failing. That's what made her jealous. She wanted to be that empathetic. But, she couldn't be. It was beyond losing her innocence of the world. Xander and Willow still had plenty of empathy left between the two of them, but she made the hard choices. She made the tough calls. She decided on what action was the right one to take. She hadn't simply lost her innocence. She had hardened.

How was she ever going to help Spike if hardness was all she had come to know?

***************************************************

Xander sighed. "Okay. But think about it. Why would Buffy not want you doing this?"

Spike rolled his eyes. "Didn't know I was goin' to be quizzed."

"She wouldn't let you do this. Why?" Xander repeated the question.

"It's better this way. Can't pretend that you haven't wanted to do this for as long as you've known me. Don't see why you're stallin'. Givin' you the opportunity you've always wanted." Spike stated evenly.

Xander shifted slightly. "I really don't want to be a part of it."

"Figure Buffy would be brassed off 'bout it, yeah. But it's not like she's goin' to know. I'd be gone. No one left to tell her. Can take comfort in the fact that you're doin' her a favor." Spike responded reasonably.

"Spike, you're right. For as long as I had known you I've wanted to put a stake in your heart," Xander paused, noting with concern how Spike seemed to perk up with enthusiasm at that statement. "but then you got a soul. And, I'll admit, for a while after that I still figured the world wouldn't miss you if you weren't in it."

"So, what's the problem?" Spike inquired with some impatience.

"The problem is, you moved in with me. And though you're kind of an annoying roommate, what with the towel leaving all over the bathroom floor and such, I kind of got a glimpse at the other side of things. It was the side that I had never really gotten to know before." Xander explained.

"Side of what?" Spike asked, not really caring, more so just wanting to get to the point, so they could get on with his reason for being here in the first place.

"The side where you have a soul. The part where it does make a difference. The part where I don't actually hate you anymore." Xander stared at him, wondering if this was registering with him at all. The last time Spike had been willing to off himself Willow had been able to keep him away from such actions without a problem. Spike's attitude had turned right around. He just needed to remember that he had something to live for. The moment he saw Buffy again, Xander figured that would be enough.

Not the case. Spike was in deep this time, deeper than Xander had confidence that he could handle.

Realization did dawn on Spike in that moment, but not the kind that Xander hoped for. Xander couldn't have spelled it out any clearer for him. He wasn't on board with this. In fact, the guy didn't just seem to be not on board with it, but he seemed to be against it all together. He couldn't let this get in the way! He couldn't let Xander trip this plan up! That was all it took. One person to know and then he never got his chance again. The news spread like fire and soon everyone would be keeping a close eye on him. He'd never get the chance! He had to get out of here! He had to take care of this now. He didn't need Xander and his carpentry profession to be what would do the job for him. This place was loaded with weapons of all kinds. In a matter of seconds this could be over with. He just needed to get out of here.

Xander saw the look of panic in Spike's eyes. "Spike, just relax. Calm down. Grab a smoke or something. There's no need to do anything crazy-."

Before Xander could finish, Spike bolted from the room. Xander's eyes widened, only hesitating for a moment before he took off out of the room and down the hallway after him. It was no use, of course. He could hardly chase him and expect to keep up with the injury that he had going. He didn't get to heal as fast as vampires and slayers just because he fought the same evil they were fighting. No, humans don't get benefits from the Powers That Be due to good intentions.

Xander couldn't see Spike anymore, but he knew exactly where he was headed. He hit the elevator button, luck have it, it was on the same floor as him. In a matter of seconds, he arrived in the lobby seeing Spike as he hurried down the stairs stopping for no one.

Fred and Gunn looked up from behind the desk as Spike made his way towards the weapons chest. The only thing they could figure was that a demon had gotten into the building. Fred was even pleased to see the initiative that Spike was taking to deal with whatever was going on. Then, they both saw Xander.

"Stop him!" Xander yelled out as he made his way from the elevator, trying to get to Spike, knowing that it was impossible for him to do so.

"What's going on?" Fred stood up immediately, confused.

"He's trying to kill himself." Xander yelled.

Fred didn't have time for shock to run through her. She jumped over the counter, trying to make a grab for Spike's shirt, hoping to knock him over.

He turned around, with trademark agility, gave her a powerful backhand, and threw her away, with a loud thud resonating as she hit the nearest wall.

Spike reached into the weapons cabinet, sure enough there was an assortment of things that could do him in. Still, all of these things would have required decapitation, and that, that was something he would need help with. A stake to his heart, it was too difficult, he remembered the impossibility of it that first time he'd tried, that he had referenced to Xander. Then he eyed it...

Holy Water.

The room froze as Spike clutched the holy water in his hand. He was surrounded, but he also knew that there was nothing that could be done to stop him. His future was his choice. Finally! How many times had that been taken away from him? How many times had he been at the mercy of other people changing him, telling him what to do, tying him up while doing whatever they damn well pleased. No more! He was in charge here. He was! He was sick and tired of this, the constant battling. Why couldn't they let him go? Xander, what? Suddenly cared? Bollocks! It was all talk. He had been all talk back in the day when he had offered to give him a lending hand. He couldn't really do it. The coward! Fred, she didn't know him. She could relate, fine, but she didn't know him. Why would she care so much to be part of this posse that was surrounding him. Gunn, forget it. They hadn't spoken two words to each other. So, why did they have to bud in this way? It wasn't their business!

"Okay. Alright. Spike, you just need to calm down. Think about what you're doing..." Xander spoke slowly.

"Have thought 'bout it. You know that." Spike looked at him intensely. "Thought 'bout it and my mind's made up. Don't want to see this then I suggest you leave."

"It's not that we don't want to see it." Xander paused. That didn't come out right. "Okay, we don't want to see it, but it's not for the reasons you think."

"Why? You all care so soddin' much for me? The evil vampire. Bloke who killed how many people? Think it makes a buggerin' difference whether I'm here or not?" Spike glared.

"Were evil." Fred corrected.

Spike lifted an eyebrow. "What?"

"Were evil. You said...you said you are evil. But it's were evil. You're not anymore." Fred corrected him. "You're different. Which means you do make a difference, because you can help people not be killed by the vampires that don't have a soul. It's all a matter of perspective. Sometimes you just need to change your perspective." Fred rambled.

Spike shook his head, brushing off what she had just said. It didn't work that way. Not for him. What did she know? She hadn't seen what he had done. Xander had hardly seen what he had done. He only had been given a small preview of the lot of what he was capable of before he had been chipped. "Be singin' a different tune if you knew."

"Pretty sure we all have a pretty good idea of what you're capable of Spike when you're, well, the other Spike." Xander stated somewhat confused by his own wording. The way he said it made it sound like Spike had Dissociative Identity Disorder.

"Look man, know you got a rough deal, but this isn't the way to handle this." Gunn seemed as though he were ready to charge.

"No?" Spike paused. "Think a stake would be better? Thought that too. No one seems willin' to give me a lendin' hand with it though. What's a bloke to do, yeah?"

"Alright. We'll do this the hard way then." Gunn took off towards Spike, making an attempt to grab at his arm to disarm him.

Spike noticed the move, taking hold of Gunn's wrist, and flipping him so he landed flat on his back on the ground with his left hand clutching his sore right one.

"Any other takers?" Spike looked between Fred and Xander.

Fred eyed him slightly.

Spike picked up on this, knowing exactly what she was thinking. He looked at her somewhat pleadingly. "Don't do it again."

"Spike, if you think I'm going to stand by and let you do this without trying to stop you then you're wrong." Fred responded with quiet determination, as she scraped herself off the floor, and went at him again.

"I don't want to hurt you." Spike spoke.

"And I don't want you to hurt you." Fred rebutted. "Let's just both take a step back. Talk about this."

"Nothin' left to talk 'bout." Spike simply stated before lifting the holy water to his lips.

Fred took the opportunity, to run into him, causing him to stumble a bit, the bottle almost dropping. Still, after a moment of fumbling with it, he kept it tight in his hand, but Fred persisted. She reached at his hand, trying to pry his fingers open as Xander came up behind him, aiming his crutch to whack him in the back.

In the heat of the moment, reacting quickly, Spike gave Fred a powerful punch right in the stomach with the arm she was clinging to, causing her to lose her footing and hit the ground. He then turned, in a swift motion, grabbing Xander's crutch before it ever made contact and throwing it off the side. Xander, losing balance, landed on the ground as well.

"Just sod off. This is my choice!" Spike yelled.

It was then that they heard the door to the hotel open. "What choice?" Buffy's voice was heard throughout the room. "Spike, what are you doing?" Buffy's voice was roaring across the room, in a fashion that was impossible to miss.

She flew across the room and, without even stopping the motion, slammed the bottle out of Spike's hand, sending it crashing to the floor. She jumped him down, standing over him, fire practically coming from her eyes. "You have done a lot of stupid stuff before Spike, but this really takes it! How could you do this? What were you thinking?"

Spike looked up at her, defeat seeping in, trying to speak, trying to explain himself, but Buffy didn't give him a chance to. She was raging and she would not be interrupted as it came.

"I risked so much to save you! I worked so hard to nurse you back to health and this is how you repay me! This is the thanks for it! You try to kill yourself! Do you know how selfish that is? Do you get what you could have just done? Well, do you?" Buffy shouted.

Spike opened his mouth slowly, "Buffy...I-"

Buffy looked at him with tears streaking down her face. "How could you do this to me Spike? How could you just quit and leave me? I thought that you were better than sinking to this level of cowardice. Giving up, and letting others do the fighting for you. Or sooner, against you." She gave the room at large and it's battered occupants a telling sweep with her eyes, before focusing their fire sharply back at him again.

Spike stared up at her, tears threatening his own features, fighting to keep them back. He couldn't answer. He didn't have anything to say. She wouldn't listen. She had made up her mind on all of this. He had failed her. By trying to help her, free her, he had failed her. He couldn't do anything right it seemed. He couldn't get better at the rate she wanted, so when he tried to take himself out of the equation, cease her worries, she tore into him for that too. He was nothing but pain for her. Truthfully, she didn't understand his own pain. She thought she did, because she had been in the dark and gloomy places, but who was she kidding? It wasn't the same thing. It wasn't close to the same thing! What did it matter? What he felt...what he needed...any of it. What did it matter? No matter which way he looked at it, tried or didn't, he was in the way. He was pain. He needed to end that. Somehow, someway, he needed to end all of this.

It was then that Wesley made his way inside. "Buffy, you ran off so fast I can hardly keep up. What are we doing back here-?" Wesley's voice cut off as he came to stand next to the Blonde Slayer, taking in the scene for himself. "What happened?" It was then that he saw Fred pulling herself up, holding her stomach, and with a big purplish bruise starting to form on her cheek. Quickly, he rushed to her side. "Fred? Are you alright? Was there a demon?"

Fred nodded her head. "I'm fine, Wesley I'm not the one we need to be worried about." Her eyes hit Spike, allowing Wesley to fully make the connection of what had really occurred.

"Ah, what's going on?" Willow's concerned voice caught everyone's attention from the doorway, Kennedy by her side, the two of them dressed in a way that indicated a much more romantic date.

Buffy wiped her eyes. "Spike just tried to kill himself. Can you believe that?"

Willow's eyes widened as her attention shifted onto Spike. "What?"

"Yup. And you know what, I've been pretty patient with him overall, but right now, I just can't. I just. I can't handle this right now. Willow can you just take him upstairs and keep an eye on him. Don't let him out of your sight. If he tries anything. I don't know. Do a spell or something." Buffy waved it off with her hand.

Willow, still trying to process the information that she had received, walked to Spike's side as he collected himself off the ground. He gazed at Buffy one last time, hoping that she'd have a change of heart, hoping that she'd really see him in this moment. Instead, she looked away, unable to relate, unable to try. Spike turned and walked off with Willow back towards his room.

Lorne watched the situation from afar. It was a mess. Yet, he felt rather satisfied with his own handling of the situation. it had been the very right thing to do, in this all wrong situation, to not jump into the fray, but rather call Buffy about what was going down, and tell her to get home right away.

Back in his room. Away from the glares and stares. Back to safety. No, that was a stretch. He couldn't really be safe. He couldn't ever be safe, not with the thoughts that was weighing him down. The chaos and screams in his mind never ending and now Buffy was in there too. He wanted to tell her he was sorry. He wanted to beg her to understand. He didn't feel this way on purpose. He'd change it if he had control. He had tried! He had been doing as she had asked! Nothing worked. Now, he didn't have anything left in him.

"Spike, how about you try lying down?" Willow suggested as they stood in the middle of his hotel room.

"What? On suicide watch now?" Spike spat bitterly.

Willow gave him a sympathetic smile.
Spike stood, at one of the edges of his bed. Fine then. Let her watch. Let her stare. Let her stand there uncomfortable and unsure of what to do with herself. She wanted to be here then that was her cross to bear. But he was not laying down in bed like an infirm patient.

The room was silent. Only the noise of nothingness filled their ears. The event which had occurred replayed in their heads, biting words and horrific actions taking over their minds.

His actions hadn't been filled with insidious intentions. Despair, trauma, regret, and defeat. The dark corners of his mind no longer being off to a side, but rather, spreading like a disease.

Light hidden.

Light gone out.

Light to never take focus again.

"Aren't you goin' to ask me why I did it?" Spike spoke.

"No." Willow replied simply.

"Not interested then? Don't see why you bother with babysittin' if that's the case." Spike snorted.

"That isn't it. I already know why you tried." Willow stated calmly.

Spike looked at her with disbelief. "Oh, you know. You understand. That right? Everyone knows. Everyone understands. They can relate, because who hasn't been in a buggerin' depression? It's called existin', right?" He glared at her. "So, what do you understand exactly? What do you think you know? That I'm a coward, maybe? That I'm weak? Or selfish? Tell me. What do you understand? Enlighten me."

Willow looked at him with sadness. "Is that what you think?"

"Isn't it what everyone is thinkin'?" Spike scoffed.

Willow didn't know how to answer that. He wasn't stupid. In fact, from what she had witnessed of Buffy's mood, she could very well have said just that. He felt looked down on. He looked down on himself. Everyone understood. No, everyone thought they understood. Everyone had dark periods, but that didn't mean they all understood. Not everyone reached this level of darkness, but Willow had. She wasn't going to debate with him that people passed judgment. It had already happened to him minutes after the incident, but right now she didn't need him to feel better about what everyone else was thinking. Spike didn't care what everyone else was thinking. It was what he was thinking, that's what mattered. It was his thoughts, along with the trauma that he had been dealt, that had driven him to this state of mind. This hopelessness.

Willow moved over, sitting down on the bed, right next to where he was standing, waiting to see if he'd react to the lower position that she had taken. If he noticed, he didn't act like it. "You're asking me. What I think?"

"Why not? Everyone else has had somethin' to say."

"But, you're asking the girl who almost ended the world what she understands?" Willow clarified.

Spike did a double take at that.

Willow gave him a knowing smile. The light bulb had gone off. She didn't expect for him to remember in this moment. First, he had enough things on his mind already to then remember everyone else's pain and darker moments. Second, he hadn't exactly been in town for when she had almost destroyed the world and everyone in it. That alone made it easier to forget. If he had seen it she doubted it wouldn't stick out like a sore thumb. "Kind of a version of suicide, with a side order of mass murder." Willow explained none too proudly.

It wasn't easy to talk about. It was something she had to talk a lot about over the summer when she had been learning to get a handle on her powers, how to control it without it controlling her, but for a while there it still had a way of taking over. Such darkness, and after losing Tara, she hadn't had the will to control it. She too was worn out, defeated, and all around pissed off. "I felt the world had become such a horrible place that I wanted to save us all, by putting us out of our misery. I chose death as my own personal gift to humanity."

"It's still different then." Spike responded.

"Yeah. In a way it is. I'm not going to belittle what you went through. Aside from the soul, you went through something very bad, that's all yours, back there in Sunnydale now. But, regardless of the big differences in our stories, I still tried wiping out the world. And don't you think that there was some kind of suicidal intent there? I knew it would end me. I wanted that. I didn't value any of the lives here." Willow pressed gently. "I thought everyone would be better off for it. But they weren't."

Spike sighed. "I don't have it in me. To keep goin'. So, if this is goin' to turn into some rousin' motivational speech, don't want to hear it." He shook his head. "And your story is going nowhere in proving your claim of knowing anything about me. I had no noble intentions of saving the world. Just wanted out of it. Not strong enough for it. Clearly."

"You're not strong because of what you tried to do?" Willow questioned.

"Like Buffy said, it's a coward's way out." Spike answered with sharpness.

A coward's way out, but one you're still not givin' up on, Mate. Was never all that strong anyway. This proves it then. Should die the way I am. Weak.

"And my trying to destroy the world isn't? It's better? A less terrible offense? I tried to take how many lives? I had a darkness in me that I, in a way, invited in. I didn't take precaution to learn how to control it and look what happened. I spun out of control when my life felt like it was coming to an end." Willow fixed her gaze on him, and though he wouldn't look directly at her, she didn't take her eyes off of him. She needed to get through to him. She needed to undo the damage she knew had been created downstairs, the rejection that he had received.

"If you ask Buffy I wasn't doin' much in the way of valuin' other people either." Spike pointed out.

"Should you be?" Willow inquired, though it was clear that she already had a formulated opinion.

Spike allowed himself to look her way now, not understanding what she was driving at.

"Why should you be putting other people's feelings and needs ahead of your own right now? Is that your responsibility? To think about how other people are going to feel. Don't you think that you should be trying to take care of yourself? I'm not saying that getting all holy water happy is the right way to handle this. It's not. It's giving up. I'm not saying that to put you down or make you feel bad. It's a way out. You were in desperate need for a way out for probably a lot of reasons that you're not talking about. Oh sure, we can all guess what they are, but you're not exactly Mr. Communication Skills lately. I don't think anyone should expect you to be." Willow paused briefly. "It's not selfish. You shouldn't be worried about how Buffy is feeling."

"Part of why I did it." Spike admitted.

"For Buffy?" Willow looked at him suddenly confused. She hadn't expected that one. Why would he think that his being dust would make Buffy feel better? She had already lost someone she was close to not that long ago, losing Spike, she didn't really know that Buffy would be able to handle that. In fact, losing someone already or not, Willow still wasn't sure how well Buffy would be with bouncing back from such a loss. She cared about Spike. She had for a while now.

"She'd be better off. Wouldn't have to worry 'bout me. It's a lot of things. Like you said. A lot of things made me make this decision. But, just figured, yeah, she'd try and stop me. Be brassed off 'bout the thought of it, but in the long run, could get on with her life. Wouldn't be havin' me to hold her back." Spike looked away. "Nothin' here that's worth savin'."

Now, it made sense. Willow was fairly certain that Buffy's anger and rejection downstairs hadn't done much in the way of helping Spike's thinking on that one. "Spike, I know we're not going to fix this in one night. I know you're going to go to bed feeling pretty down on yourself. I know you probably still have plans to figure out a way to do what you're trying to do. But...you can do good things now. In fact, before you were souled you were doing good things. You killed demons. You were helping to save lives. You're an asset. You can still help to save lives. I think anyone with intentions like those is worth saving."

Spike continued to look down towards the ground. He was tired of talking. He didn't have anything more to say on the matter. He felt what he felt and with Buffy's words echoing in his mind he only was reassured more than ever that it was true. He didn't think about anyone but himself. Hadn't that been a pattern since he had been turned? He wasn't thinking about the victims when he took their lives. He was selfish. He went after what he wanted. He did what he wanted. He wasn't worth much. If only he had been able to put on a better act around Buffy, but he couldn't do that. He couldn't pretend to love what he had loved before. He couldn't pretend that he wanted to get out of bed in the morning. He couldn't pretend that he wanted to hunt vampires and that he wanted to train with her. He couldn't pretend that anything mattered to him at this point. He couldn't pretend he didn't think and feel the things that he was thinking and feeling. Selfishly, he just couldn't pretend.

Her assessment of him brought to new light qualities of himself that he hadn't thought of before. It added to the notion of why things needed to come to an end. The world didn't have a place for a bloke like him and he didn't have any more energy left for the world.

He was done.

Buffy stood looking down at the mess that had been made of the weapon's cabinet. She didn't mind the mess itself, but still she couldn't take her eyes off it. She was fuming, practically shaking with anger and fear. How could he? Really? How could he? He was better than that! He had always been so considerate of her in the past year, always putting her first, and it wasn't to say that that's what he should be doing right now, but this was a far cry from it. It was too far of a cry from that. It was the polar opposite of that. It was giving up and leaving her to mourn for him, for Dawn to mourn for him! There were other people involved in this besides him. He could fight harder, longer, to try to get better. It hadn't been that long and he was already calling it quits. She wasn't going to stand for this!

"Buffy…"Xander spoke up.

Buffy turned towards him. "What?"

"I know you're upset," Xander began.

She had a feeling she wasn't going to like where this was going.

"Of course, I'm upset." Buffy answered sharply.

Xander paused for a moment, choosing his words carefully. "I get that you reacted in the heat of the moment-"

"Excuse me?" Buffy cut him off.

Okay, so apparently he still hadn't chosen the right words. "Come on, Buffy. You have to admit that you jumped all over him."

"Are you being serious right now? He tried to kill himself. Yes, I'm going to react. Yes, I'm going to jump all over him. What he did was incredibly selfish!" Buffy's voice had risen.

"What he did, was snap." Xander clarified.

Buffy was completely taken aback by his words. She tried to form words of her own, but she didn't know quite how to respond.

"He's right…" Fred's soft voice spoke up. She took a step forward from the counter she stood by. "Spike's not in his right mind."

"I'm aware of that." Buffy sighed. "I know he's not himself, but this is beyond not being himself."

"Actually, the depression itself would be what's beyond him not being himself. Trying to commit suicide is his mind practically collapsing. He's traumatized. You know, I worked alongside Angel for a few years. I knew him very well. He had a soul for a much longer time than Spike and still hurt over the pain that he had caused. Spike just got his soul. We can't forget that that pain added onto the trauma he received just before coming here would drive anyone over the edge." Fred pointed out.

"I think dealing with one of those things alone would be enough to drive anyone over the edge." Xander stated.

"Are you two honestly trying to tell me that his behavior was excusable?" Buffy stared at both Fred and Xander in disbelief.

"Yes." Xander answered simply.

Buffy's eyes widened hearing his words. You could have knocked her over with a feather in that moment.

"And what do you think Buffy? We should all be mad at him? Make him feel really bad about himself? That's not going to bring him back from what he's feeling. That'll only make it worse." Xander explained heatedly.

"He needs to understand that what he did was wrong." Buffy couldn't believe her ears. Spike had just tried to kill himself, not to mention that he had knocked them all down, roughing them up in the process. The last thing she would have thought was that they would have been coming to his defense over his actions. If anything she thought she was going to have to try and talk them into forgiving Spike, not that it would be the other way around!

"But it's not about right or wrong. You can't make him feel like he was wrong. He needs to deal with the root of the problem. He needs to feel like he has support. Anything else just makes him feel isolated, alone. Down on himself. He shouldn't be worried about other people judging him. People's support is what helps a person going through this heal. I mean sure, it's not all of it, and it takes a long time. But support helps it to more likely eventually happen." Fred continued to clarify.

"No one is judging him. He should know that by now." Buffy shook her head.

"He doesn't." Fred answered. "In fact, he basically said the very opposite thing to me last night. He's anything but selfish. Part of what he's worried about is how his trauma is affecting you." Fred gently pointed out. "I didn't want to say anything. He was talking to me and I don't want to break his trust, but now I'm starting to think that you should know."

"Trying to kill himself, how was that going to help me?" Buffy sounded exasperated. "That's him thinking about him."

"Not exactly. It could be him thinking it'd be easier for you if he wasn't here. Easier if you didn't have to keep putting up effort and making sacrifices for him. Sure, he wouldn't have to deal with what he's feeling anymore and it'd benefit him, but if what Fred says is true… I have no reason to think it's not. Then, this choice didn't only center around what would work best for him. Though, now it might." Xander rolled his eyes.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Look, I'm not trying to judge you. Something bad happened and you didn't handle it well. It's not easy to walk right in on someone that you care about who is getting ready to end their existence. I get that. People can overreact, but you've got to calm down and think. Spike is safe right now. So, now that you're calm, and you think about why he acted the way that he did, maybe realize that saying the things that you said to him is going to stick in his mind. It's not going to help him stay away from the holy water. It might make him run a little bit faster towards it now." Xander paused. "If he felt alone and a burden before, he's really going to feel that way now."

Fred gave Buffy a sad smile. "Suicide isn't a selfish act, Buffy. It's a shattered soul in need of help. And that's what we do here at Angel Investigations. We help the helpless."

***************************************************

Buffy made her way up the stairs with the same notion in her head that had been there since she had first rescued Spike; she didn't have enough experience with caring for someone who could hardly care for themselves. To think, she had thought it was going to be easier when he could bathe by himself, feed himself, start walking on his own. Somehow, it had become harder. She hadn't thought about emotional trauma. She hadn't known that depression would set in. There was so much she had overlooked. She was so fixated on what had been done to him she hadn't thought about how he had already been hurting before Wood had taken him. He didn't act like he was most of the time. There was so much he kept inside and it was hard to know that, because he always seemed to be so open with her on what he felt. Now it turned out that he didn't relay probably even a fourth of what he was really feeling most of the time onto her. When it came to matters of the heart in concern to her, yes, he was an open book. He had been ever since he had first admitted that he was in love with her, but other than that, the other emotions that he had, they were locked away more than she had known. Of course, he had gone mad! Of course, he had tried to take his own life!

Great job, Buffy. Way to make him feel safe and supported. Scream at the traumatized vampire.

He hadn't been selfish. I had.

She thought that Spike was only looking at himself, how things were affecting him, but oh no, that had been her. She was only looking at how she would have felt if he had dusted. It would have killed her inside. That wasn't an excuse to say the hurtful things that she had said to him. She knew better now. She wished she had known better, at least, right after she had blown up at him. He had had all the longer to really let her words seep in, shattering his poor broken soul even further. God, she had been so much calmer about this when Jonathan had tried to take his own life. Granted, she had thought he was going to commit mass murder at the time. It was easier though when it was someone you didn't care about. The emotions weren't there as much to react so strongly. You didn't feel the pain.

All she had been able to think at the time of stopping Spike was how dare he do this? How dare he hurt her friends just so he could hurt himself, and hurt her! She knew it had been a human reaction, but still she felt badly for it. It wasn't what he needed. Fred and Xander had both been on the receiving end of Spike getting too rough and they didn't bat an eye over it. They had known. They had understood. And when did Xander get so smart about people? She figured he had a lot of practice over the years to become so insightful, watching everything his own friends had gone through. He was the one who had saved the world once with his mouth. Now, he was becoming a big reason that she was saving Spike. Him and Fred both. Experience went a long way, she just wished dealing with the emotional end of things would have been something that could have rubbed off on her eventually. The crosses a slayer had to bear.

When she reached the door to his room she made her way inside, surprised to find that Willow and Spike were sitting next to each other. They didn't seem to be talking, but she wondered if Willow had been able to get anything out of Spike. Spike, randomly, over the years spilled his guts to Willow. Maybe it was a personality thing. He seemed to do the same with Fred. The two of them had their similarities, no question there. She just hoped that Spike would start talking to her too. There was a lot she seemed to be missing, feelings that he had, and she couldn't help him if he didn't talk to her.

Good luck with him talking to you now.

"Hey." She said softly.

Only Willow looked up.

"I can take it from here." Buffy stated quietly.

Willow nodded and stood up, but first she gestured for Buffy to follow her into the hallway.

Once they were out there, Buffy looked at Willow calmly. "If you're going to lecture me, don't. I already got it from Xander and Fred."

Willow shook her head. "I'm not here to lecture you, Buffy. Well, not exactly."

Buffy stiffened at her words a bit. "I know I didn't handle it right."

"I understand. I do. I don't think many people would in that moment, but now that it's passed, he needs you to be there for him. He's really down on himself. You should hear some of the things he says about himself. He's in a lot of pain." Willow expressed with concern.

"I know." Buffy frowned. "I feel really bad and I'm going to apologize to him. I don't know how much good it will do after the way I acted, but I'm going to try."

"He really needs to know that you're there for him. That you're not judging him. That you understand." Willow explained.

"I know. I do. I know I didn't know before, but I do now. I wish I could get a re-do, take it back, but I can't. I just have to hope that it's not too late to work past the freak out that I had." Buffy sighed.

"Just be there for him. It goes a long way." Willow gave her a soft smile.

Buffy nodded and made her way back into the hotel room. Spike was exactly the way that she had left him.

"Spike, can we talk?" She asked quietly.

Spike shrugged.

Buffy made her way over to where he sat, taking the seat by him that Willow had occupied a moment before. "I didn't handle what happened downstairs right. I got scared and pretty much everything I said downstairs I wish I could take back. I'm so sorry, Spike."

He didn't respond.

"I understand if you're not ready to talk to me. I really do. Not just because of the way that I acted, but because I'm sure that you're feeling a lot of things." Buffy paused. "I'm going to do my best to relate to you better on this. I kept trying to fix it. I'm always doing that. I'm always trying to think up ways to fix things. If I just got you back into the swing of things your mind would have something to do and you'd feel better. But, that's not how it works. Not completely. It's part of it, but I can't expect you to take on everything that you use to do right off. I can't expect you to snap out of it and feel better. And I don't."

Spike looked towards her for a split second with cynicism before his eyes fell back towards the floor.

"I don't expect you to believe me. I wish that you would, but I've been sending you mixed messages. I say one thing and then I get overwhelmed and act another way. Like I did last night. Like I did just now. I'm not good at the emotional stuff. You know I'm not, but it's not that I don't care. It's not that I think any less of you. It's not that I feel like you're burdening me. It's not any of those things. I just want to fix things. I want to do things to fix things. I can't do anything to fix this and I feel so helpless." Now, it was Buffy's turn to look down towards the ground. "I want to help you and I don't want my wanting to help you to make you feel like you're doing something wrong, because you're not meeting whatever expectations that you think I have. Or that I've accidentally made you think I have."

Buffy turned toward him, gently taking his hand in hers. "It's going to take time, but I'm going to figure out how to do this. I'm here for you. I don't think you're selfish. I don't think you owe me anything. I didn't mean that, when I said it, it didn't come out right. I was scared. Please believe me, I'm here for you."

He looked up at her, clearly listening, but still not much responsive. She reached out her hand, and took to stroking his hair again, like she had done so much when he had been badly injured. "I love you." His face lit up in a warm, though still very sore, smile. "No, you don't. But thanks for saying it".