His heart stopped and the breath left him. There on the floor was the women he loved more than life itself strewn carelessly in the hall. He wasn't sure why, but his body just wouldn't move. Just the sight of her like that was too much and it stopped him in his tracks.
Her normally soft, wavy, and effortless hair was a mess. It was tangled and frizzy against the carpet. She was wearing yoga pants and an oversized Columbia hoodie that swallowed her whole and made her look impossibly small. Her face was free of makeup and her eyes were rimmed in red from all of the crying. The scary part was the bruising on her face.
They were so recent that they hadn't fully formed yet, but there was definitely two on her face that he could see. One was on the left side of her temple and the other right across her cheek. His blood boiled in anger. Who would do such a thing?
On top of all of that she was soaking wet. Her hair and clothes looking as if she had taken a dive in the Hudson. It was then that he noticed her shaking. He hadn't realized that it was raining outside, too caught up in his worry and grief too even look out the window before deciding to leave the house.
He set his anger aside for the moment in lieu of getting her dry and warm. It was also worrying him that, apart from the shaking, she was not moving at all. He prayed that she wasn't unconscious, though why else would she be laying on the floor in his hallway?
Another wave of worry was enough motivation to have him uprooted from his spot by the door. He swiftly stepped up to her and picked her up as if she was nothing. Her legs were more or less around his waist as he carried her like a child. Her head lobbed onto his shoulder, whether heavy because of exhaustion or unawareness he did not know. But, he could feel her heart beating, as they were chest to chest, and her body was shaking slightly from the cold and he took those as good signs.
He stepped back through the door and bumped it with his foot to close it behind them. Rainwater was seeping through his clothes as he continued on through his apartment and into the bedroom.
He curled her up in the armchair, wanting to keep the bed warm and dry for her. He detoured to the bed and turned on his electric blanket before heading into his closet. He shucked his shirt and pulled on a simple pair of sweats before quickly finding his smallest pair of boxer shorts and his warmest sweatshirt.
Returning to her, he silently apologized for having to undress her in these circumstances, but he knew it had to be done. It was awkward and she was no help at all, but he finally managed to rid her of the yoga pants and wet sweatshirt and dress her in his clothes.
He couldn't help but notice a bruise forming on her right thigh and knee as well as a spot on her ribs that was already an angry dark purple. He was going to kill whoever did this to her with his bare hands. That much he knew.
Right now his worry for her took precedence as he took her in his arms again and slipped her under the covers and wrapped her up in the electric blanket, before propping himself against the headboard and stroking her still wet hair.
"What happened to you, Kate?" He spoke into the air. It gave him chills to even think about.
"I should have never left you last night! I knew that! Never again, Kate. I'll never leave you like that again." It felt good to voice his promises, even if she wasn't able to hear them. He told himself he would give her five minutes to come to before he started freaking out or seek medical attention. Five minutes to calm himself and give her time to warm up. He knew that it was better for her to wake up to him then to a whole room of strangers, but if she still wasn't aware in five minutes he wouldn't really have a choice.
He looked down at her and found that even in her sleep she was still distressed. Her forehead was wrinkled up as if she was in pain, probably from her grief just as much as her bruises. Her eyes looked like she had been crying for days.
She was still as beautiful as he had ever seen her and she looked so small in his oversized sweatshirt and all wrapped up in his bed. He was hit once again with just how hard he had fallen for her in these last few months and how much he wanted to protect her.
Only three minutes into his allotted five he saw the first signs of life returning to her. Tears started to leak out of her still closed eyes as she came back to him. His fingers ran through her hair in, hopefully, a comforting show of affection.
"Oh, Kate." He sighed as he noticed her tears. He wrapped one arm around her loosely and gently wiped away her tears with the other. "Please don't cry. You're safe now. I'll never let this happen to you again."
She curled in on herself and wrapped the blanket around her more securely. He breathed a sigh of relief to see that she was, at least, awake and hearing what he was saying.
Her eyes opened and immediately caught his own. Her normally bright green eyes were glassy and dimmed to an almost brown color. She only held his gaze for a moment before her eyes dropped down to the comforter and another tear escaped her eye.
"I'm sorry." She said after a long, silent moment. It was so quiet that he almost missed it. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have come. I just… I didn't know where else to…"
She was whispering to herself more than to him.
"No, Kate." He put a finger to her chin and lifted her eyes to meet his. "Never be sorry. I am so glad that you came here. I wouldn't have wanted you to go anywhere else. I want to help you, to protect you, and take care of you. I am here for you and I…"
He took a deep breath and thought for a moment weighing his options and outcomes of what he was about to say.
"I love you, Kate. Always." She sucked in a deep breath of surprise as the tears still rolled every few seconds.
She needed to know. Bad timing or not, she needed to know that he loved her and that he was not going anywhere. They would get through this. He wasn't sure how. All he knew was that he was going to stand by her every step of the way. If that meant scooping her off the floor when she just couldn't do it anymore, or standing tall and protective beside her as she stepped out into the world. He was there and there is no where he would rather be.
"NO!" Her voice was loud and sure this time, surprising even herself, as she tried to wriggle out of his loose grasp. He only tightened it. "No, Rick. You don't love me, you can't love me. I'm so broken right now. My life has just been shattered and you deserve so much more than me. I am nothing."
He was stunned by her words. He knew that she would not say them back to him until she was in a better place, but he never thought that she would think herself unworthy. She sounded hollow, like these words weren't even coming from her, but an echo of herself.
How could she think so little of herself? How could she think that her grieving her mother would somehow change the way he saw her? She wasn't nothing, she was everything.
She had buried her face in the pillow at the end of her piece, and when she lifted her head she said something that broke his heart even more, if that was possible.
"It's all my fault." At that a sob broke from her as she collapsed again on the pillow.
He had heard enough at this point. He didn't know where all of these ideas were coming from. She was everything to him, and her mother's death was not going to change that. And it certainly wasn't her fault.
He scooted up so that he was sitting fully against the headboard and pulled her up so that she was sitting across his lap, one leg on either side of his. He hugged her to him and she buried her head into the crook of his neck. He pulled the blanket around her. Successfully cocooning her in warmth and away from the world. It was just them in their own little world.
He couldn't understand how the most beautiful, confident, and extraordinary person he knew could end up like this. He knew that it was going to be hard. He knew that she loved her mother more than anything else and had patterned her life after her. Going to Law School after she finished at Columbia had always been her dream.
But, it wasn't just her mother she was grieving. It was herself. She really had been shattered into a million pieces by this, and whatever had happened to her in between his leaving her last night and finding her this morning.
When she had calmed enough and seemed to sink into him, grabbing onto his shirt and breathing a deep, calm breath, he began.
"Kate, first of all, none of this is your fault. It is the fault of the person who killed her. You are not responsible for any of this. Your mother loved you very much and I am sure she would not want you thinking like this.
"And, Kate, you are broken. You've been through a lot in the last twenty four hours and you know what?" He lifted her up and back just far enough so that she could see into his eyes. "I still love you. I am here for you through all of this. I will do whatever it takes to see you smiling again. I know that it is hard to think about now, but you will get there.
"I am going to pick up every beautiful, wonderful, frustrating, stubborn, extraordinary piece of you and put it all back together. You won't be broken forever, I will see to that.
"Nothing you say or do is going to change my mind about that, Kate." A small hiccup escaped her and she buried herself into him again. He wrapped her up, even more tightly then before, in his arms and settled in. If this is what she needed he would hold her all day long.
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She woke up about an hour later alone in Rick's room. She felt awful and her head was pounding. She wanted nothing more than to bury herself under the blankets and never come out again. She was so lost. Her mother had just been killed and now all of this mess.
The only part of this whole situation that made any sense in her head was Rick. He made her feel safe and loved. She could tell from looking in his eyes that he meant it when he said he loved her. And when she was in his arms she felt like she was home.
It was cheesy and way too soon to even be thinking those thoughts, but it was true. This morning she had woken up in her house. The house she grew up in, the house that she had always loved, and it had felt empty.
There was no feeling in it. It only made her feel dark and cold. It was only when she had found herself here in Rick's apartment that she had felt that sense of belonging again. It scared her and it was all too much to think about right now.
She sat up and drew her arms around her legs, resting her head on her knees. A note caught her eye on the bedside table. She picked it up and read:
Kate,
Good morning, Sleeping Beauty. There is a glass of water and some Asprin on the table for you. Come and find me when you're ready.
Love,
Rick
She smiled weakly at his words. They were so ordinary and plain, yet to her they meant so much. He was giving her space. Not too much and he was still taking care of her, but he knew her well enough to give her just what she needed. A few moments to compose herself and think all this through.
She took the medicine and downed the glass of water, before using the bathroom and splashing water on her face. When she looked at herself in the mirror she didn't even recognize herself. There were bruises and her eyes were hollow. Dark circles and red rims overtook her eyes and reminded her of everything he helped her forget.
"Rick!" She yelped as she backed away from the mirror and ran to the safety of his bedroom.
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It had been about an hour since she had finally fallen asleep in his arms. It was killing him not to have answers about what had happened to her and where she had found herself. He had his suspicions, but he refused to voice them with no evidence.
She needed him to be calm and levelheaded. She was trusting him to stand by her and help her get through this. If she didn't she would already be gone. Yet, she was still sleeping peacefully in the other room. No one made Kate Beckett do anything she didn't want to do. That much was clear.
He had left her a note. Nothing emotional or triggering words. Just alerting her to the medicine he knew she would need and that he would be here when she was ready. He wouldn't push her. If he wanted her to be with him and get through this together he knew that he was going to have to give her a certain amount of space. As much as he wanted to, he couldn't just hold her all night and hover all day. She needed time and space.
He was just settling in to a rhythm with his latest chapter when a strangled and painful call came from her direction. He was up and out of his chair in seconds.
When he reached her she was huddled in the corner of his bedroom, curled up tightly with her head buried in her knees.
He was pretty sure that something had triggered another panic attack when he saw how rapid her breathing had become and just how pained she looked. He wasn't sure if she wanted to be touched or left alone, but she did call for him.
He threw caution to the wind as he sat on the floor beside her and took her in his arms. He whispered comforts in her ear and told her over and over that she was safe and he was here. Eventually he was able to calm her down and her breathing slowed.
As soon as she was able she wrapped her arms around him and gripped his shirt in her hands. Safe. She was safe for the moment, at least.
"Thank you." She murmured quietly once the attack had released its hold on her.
"Anytime, Kate." He pressed a kiss to her hair and prepared to stand. She began to look scared and tightened her hold on his shirt when he tried to stand. "Not going anywhere."
He pulled her up with him and walked them out of the bedroom. She was a bit shaky at first, but trailed along behind him as he walked. He ultimately led them into his office and sat on the comfiest looking couch she had ever seen.
They sat facing each other on the couch. One of her small hands in both of his larger ones. Again, giving her some space, but letting her know that he's there.
"What happened, Kate?" She waited a moment and took a deep breath and spoke all the while looking down at the hand he held.
"She's gone, Rick. She was stabbed in an alley all alone. It's my fault. And she is never coming back to us. Never."
"Kate. I know about… about your mother. I was there with you last night, remember?" She nodded her head and concentrated even harder on her hand. "What happened when I left? This morning?"
He brought one hand up to touch the bruise on her temple, that in the last few hours had only turned darker.
"I woke up to him yelling, drunk. I came down the stairs to see what was going on. There was an officer there in the living room. Uh…same one as last night… I, uh, think." She took a few breaths and wiped a stray tear from her face, gathering the courage to continue. He rubbed soothing circles on her hand, a mirror of her actions in the car home last night, before it all went wrong.
"Gang Violence. A random wayward event." Another pregnant pause.
"There was no reason…it just happened. They think she decided to walk to the restaurant to meet us. Never made it there."
Tears were flowing steadily now and he pulled her into his side so that her head could rest on his chest.
"He was so angry, Rick. So angry. The officer left, just said 'I'm sorry' and 'they did the best they could'. It hadn't even been twenty-four hours. How is that their best? Did they even lift a finger?" She was practically yelling now. He ran a hand through her hair in an effort to calm her down without stopping her.
"He threw…he threw a bottle at me. Or towards me…it wasn't even close really. I don't even think he saw me until his direction was pulled by the bottle. He was drunk. I shouldn't blame him. It was my fault…"
"He told me it was my fault. He told me that I was good for nothing and that all I did was remind him of her. He said I was a poor substitute…. He threw me around and then he threw me out. Literally, threw me out, like I was nothing. I guess I am.
"I started walking and ended up here. I guess."
Rick didn't need to hear the rest. He was much too disgusted to even think about what had come next. Her own father had reduced her to this. Made her believe that this was all her fault. It was disgusting and boy was he going to kill him now. His blood was boiling, he couldn't even form a coherent thought.
He took a few breaths, counted to ten, and then did his best to fix this horrible mess.
"Kate. This is in no way, shape, or form your fault. It is the fault of the man who stabbed her. You are not to blame and I never want you to say that, or even think that, again.
"He was wrong. He was drunk and crazy and wrong. You inviting your mother to dinner does not put that knife in your hand, alright? You have to believe me!" He was pleading with her now. She was never going to be able to grieve properly if she kept thinking that all of this was her fault.
"Kate, look at me. I don't know what he said to you or what other lies he put in your head, but whatever it was is wrong. You didn't deserve this. You deserve so much more than shabby cops and drunk father's.
"But I promise you this. I won't let anything happen to you if I can help it. I will protect you with every fiber of my being. If you can make it through these next couple of days, you will never have to see your father again, if that's what you choose. However, I can assure you that he will never lay another finger on you.
"As for those cops, who needs them? I don't know how, but we will find whoever did this to your mom. Random event or not, there will be evidence somewhere. And one day, when you're ready we will look. Just not today." He pulled her over and onto his chest as he lay back. Situating her between him and the couch.
"You're not nothing, Kate." He recalled her words from earlier. "You were everything to her. I could tell by the way you talked about her and the way she raised you into this brilliant gorgeous person. You can never doubt that she loved you.
"And I love you. You are everything to me and I hate to see you hurting like this. You're not alone anymore, never alone. I am here for you, always."
They were silent for a minute. Rick hoping that she understood, Kate speechless with how much he had truly meant the words he said. She could hear it in his voice.
She believed him. She did. She never doubted that her mother loved her, and as hard as it was to think about, her father loved her too.
She was broken, she didn't doubt that. But it would seem that Rick didn't mind. Even as her whole world shattered around her, he remained.
"I love you, too." She whispered into his ear. "Thank you, for picking up the pieces."
Fin.
Thank you for all of your support. I love to hear from you!