Hey guys sorry for the wait, this was difficult to write and I've had to write it over a few days, which made it harder to get it to flow. I hope it's not too awful with grammar ect I'm exhausted but wanted to update. So here it is... xxx
Caroline had to admit to herself how happy she had been the last week since her and Kate, had finally got together. They had, had a brief conversation about making things more public but taking it at a slow pace. Kate understood Caroline's difficulties, she remembered having to tell her friends and family. She had been 21 and had dabbled in both sexes when it came to relationships, until she had wholly admitted it was women who she ultimately looked for in a partner. It hadnt been easy her mum had been disappointed as Kate her only child, the likely hood of her having a grandchild was subsequently less. But as Kate had got bolder, and more confident in embracing who she was, her mum had seen a change how much happier and brighter she was. She had no longer looked at Kate any different and was happy she was happy, and from that Kate had been able to grown in, her self belief and become proud of who she was. It hadn't been easy she had lost friends throughout her life, who were uncomfortable with her relationships and sexuality. She had rarely introduced her mum to any of her girlfriends or discussed her relationships, and had never found the right person. She had met Richard through a friend, she had felt safe with Richard and had settled hoping for a family life that she was missing. Ultimately social pressures had driven her into richards arms Looking for the aspect which was forever missing In her life.
Which had been fine for a few months but after a year and no children, she had felt the cracks begin to get bigger and bigger. She had felt as if she was loosing herself her identity as she was so desperately wanting to be happy, even attempting what she knew wasn't for her a straight relationship. It was immensely hard for her to admit to everyone that she had been wrong as she didn't love Richard in that way, and to "revert to Being gay" as her mum had put it. But she had been so deeply unhappy until she had, but even her mother had found it hard to understand her confusion. How she had married Richard and stayed with him for so long, It was hard for her to explain she just felt something was missing. She had never really been in love, not really and she just wanted a nice easy happy life with somebody that loved her, wanted her.
So Kate had some idea about people having an opinion on her life choices and what made her happy, but Kate was lucky in that she had always had a selfish streak in her. That she knew what would make her happy and took it, but Caroline was different she knew that.
She had had a very different upbringing, by what Caroline had told her. Celia seemingly strict and formal and her father a rather arggressively man who she was forever frightened of, desperately seeking to please him. Kate saw the effect that had on Caroline ...Caroline was a magnificent woman and yet she was very aware of other people views and opinions of her. She cared greatly what others thought especially family and in her professional career, scared of failure and people thinking badly of her. She had become closed off, shut people out she had seen that when they had first become friends, but Caroline recognized it herself too. She was always very serious and reserved with aspects of her that left her vulnerable, Gillian had confirmed it when they had spoke that night After John left.
So Kate knew that for Caroline this admittance of their relationship would be hard for her, with her fear of rejection. So from what she had heard about the formidable Celia Buttershaw she was a little worried, she had been friends for months with Caroline and had heard of many arguments and upsetting coversations between Caroline and her blunt opinionated mother.
Kate as a result had hardly slept as Caroline had been restless all night, Caroline had had a call from her mum that afternoon to say they would be home the following afternoon. So naturally they had attempted to have a conversation about what they would tell her if anything, which had resulted in Caroline being mute most of the day as well as all night.
Kate couldn't help the anxious butterflies that swam about her stomach making her feel sick, she wasn't sure what Caroline would say. What Celia would say, how that might affect things Between them.
Caroline couldn't help but be on edge all day, she knew her mum was coming back around 4pm. It was 3.10 and she she couldn't help watch the clock, She felt guilty as Kate wrapped her arms around her as she couldn't help but pull away.
"We shouldnt incase mum is early" she said embarrassed at her own behavior. She saw Kate's pained expression, as she had pulled back, "I'm sorry I'm just on edge I don't know how this is going to go, mums never been particularly understanding" Caroline tried to explain.
Kate watched Caroline's worried face "Caroline it will be ok, she loves you she might take some time to get used to the idea". Kate took Caroline's face in her hands and tilted it letting her lips delicately connect, Caroline dissolving in the moment as she felt Kate lean into her further. Her heart beating fast her desire to escalte things at the forefront of her mind as she heard Kate gasp In pleasure.
Caroline lost herself in the kiss for a moment pulling Kate closer running her hands up her back, feeling her shiver at her touches. Caroline pulled apart "thank you for being ... You know understanding" she pecked her lips once more and pulled back slowly A soft smile across her face.
A sharp bang on the back door brought her crashing back to reality, she looked up to see Alan "she couldn't help but pull further away from Kate". She moved to open the back door "Hello Alan, your early", she couldn't help feel flustered she wasn't sure what he had seen, what she should say.
"Hello Caroline sorry to interrupt" he smiled looking up at a timid Kate, "that's umm.. That ok where's my mum?". "Well I um I don't know what to tell you love, but she is a little bit upset". "oh why?" Caroline asked concerned "well we arrived home early, and we caught a glimpse of you a few moments ago as we brought the bags in, and she's very upset about it".
Panic flickering across her features "why what did she see? I mean what upset her?". Alan smiled sympathetically, "look love I know times have changed and I I'm happy for you as long as your happy. But your mother she's less "down with the times as our Raff would say, and I think seeing you just caught her off guard. Shes confused about what she saw, I don't know what else to say love" he Sighed. "I'll go and see her" Caroline suggested as she stepped forward, "she says she doesn't want to see you love, maybe give her some time to digest it".
Caroline looked at Kate and back again "I'm sorry Alan I need to speak to mum" she stepped out in to the cool evening air and knocked on her mothers door before entering.
"Mum" She called seeing Celia sitting on the sofa "mum we need to talk, about what you um saw". "I don't want to speak to you now" Celia snipped at her, as Caroline tried to ignore the sharp pain that her mothers face caused her to feel.
"Mum it's not what you think" Caroline stumbled "how is it not what it seems? I go on holiday and come back to find my married daughter kissing a woman in her kitchen" her voice raising higher.
"well ok it is what you think then" Caroline snapped back "but it's not like that, you make it sound sordid it's not Kate is..."
"Kate is that her name" the nasty tone of her mothers voice didn't go unnoticed. "Yes Kate and shes wonderful and for your information John has been having an affair for months, and I've chucked him out". "So you decide to shack up with some woman instead, I mean really caroline carring on at your age it's ...well it's ridiculous. You look ridiculous I mean what will people say it's bad enough for you to leave John but to do this as well... How could you Caroline".
"Mum how can you, you know how unhappy I've been for well years... You know I've done all I can to keep it together for the boys and Ive had enough. Did you not hear me he's been having an affair mum he doesn't want me and I don't want him.
And well Kate has been there for me and we have a connection, I really like her mum. No I love her, I want you to be happy for me do you not want me to be happy?".
Celia slowly met her gaze "of course I do love, but I can't ... I just can't support this is not right, it's not natural. I'm sorry I don't want any part of it, I think it's best me and Alan go to Gillians for a while".
"Mum you don't need to do that, you've only just got back", "well I think under the circumstances it would be best if your going to carry on behaving like this" Celia groaned.
"Mum I'm sorry you saw us, and well I'm sorry you found out the way you did. But it's not like I planned you to find out this way mum, can you not just try to understand" Caroline pleaded.
"Are you going to carry on with this woman", "it's Kate Mum" Caroline's anger beginning to boil. "Well are you?, how long have you and Kate been you know...will you tell the boys? Your not going to expose them to this Surely" Celia rounded on her.
"yes mum I am, it's in the early stages and I was going to talk to them soon about it, me and Kate are serious about one another. I had just hoped for a little support and understanding mum, and that you would at least listen to what i have to say".
"We to say myself and Alan can not condone this behavior it's not right Caroline, I can't support you in this, two women together it makes me feel physically sick thinking of it and seeing you together well... No I'm sorry Caroline I can't, I won't.
"Mum please", "Caroline I don't want to talk about it anymore until you've come to your senses. Now please leave it's been a long day and there is obviously no way for me to change your mind. So whilst you and her are carrying on I think it's best we have some space".
The pain and anger reaching it's pinicale, she couldn't take it. How could a mother treat their child this way, no matter what the situation. Anyone would think she was the adulter the way she was reacting, but then again what else had she expected other than to be disappointed By her mums reaction.
"Do you know what mum, thats fine. Fine I'm fed up of being unhappy I'm nearly 50 years old I don't need your approval. I'd have hoped you'd have been understanding because you love me, but no don't worry mum I get it. I make you sick you can't condone it, you want nothing to do I with it. Well fine mum if that's how you feel maybe it's best you did go stay with Gillian". She shouted watching her mums face reden "so your really going to choose her over your own family Caroline, where are your morals" she shouted back. "Morals!" Caroline laughed "Mum are you joking your asking me that when your choosing to shun me because Of who I love. It doesn't affect you does it, so why do you have to treat me like this. I'd never treat my children how your treating me, so just go" she said slamming the door behind her.
She saw Alan standing outside, he stoked her arm reassuringly "I'll speak to her love".
"Thanks Alan but I don't see it being much help she's a stubborn bigoted old cow". "Give her some time love" he softened "I won't hold my breathe. Anyway if you could at least make sure she doesn't blab to anyone until I have chance to tell people first like the boys. Gillian's knows she's been amazing, it's just my own mother who doesn't love me enough to accept it" The hurt apparent.
"Of course love" he kissed her cheek as Caroline headed inside to find Kate fidgeting in the kitchen. "Is everything ok what happened?" Caroline dissolved into tears "I'm fine" she shrugged it off, Kate tried to wrap her arms around her. "Sorry Kate I just need some time" she whispered "yep sure, if that's what you want. I'll go home for a bit you know where I am ok," she slipped back trying to hide the pain in Caroline's rejection. "Kate I'll come over later?" She asked "of course, I'll be waiting" Kate smiled before slipping out the back door.
Caroline grabbed a bottle of wine from the fridge and sank onto the sofa, the tears falling down her cheeks. Was this what the choice was her mum or Kate, what if the boys felt the same. How would she deal with that she wanted Kate, she had since they'd met she had known it would be difficult to embrace this side of herself. But she hadn't realized quite how hard it might be when the people you love, dont even understand. Maybe she wasn't strong enough to do this, everything she had feared that had lead her to deny who she was, was coming true. This had been the sole thing she could never handle, Kate had made her feel strong enough to face it, but was it enough if everyone she loved turned their backs on her?
The conflict raged inside her as she consumed the bottle of wine her happiness or the happiness of others. The million dollar question she knew what she had always done, but maybe she deserved some happiness too. Caroline knew her mother it would take a lot for her to change her mind, even more to apologize and admit her own faults. It didn't seem likely ...what a mess, a week of bliss with Kate and now this ... The tears continued to streak down her face as once again she sat alone feeling empty. Why was everything so hard all the time, she buried her face in her hands.