Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin.
Chapter forty-eight: The right destiny
Merlin and Freya rode side by side, a they made their way back to the tower. Tyr had been able to summon some horses to get them back to the tower quicker and Zafira had flown off towards the west, in search of Jared and any others forces he may be planning to attack with. Merlin glanced round, he and Freya were on their own, the others had riden ahead to inform the council of what had happened.
"The stars are beautiful tonight, don't you think?" Freya asks, glancing up at the quickly darkening sky.
Merlin glances upwards and smiles slightly. "They are. "
"My mother used to tell me all the stars in the night sky tell stories. ... I used to think she just made them up, but they were the most amazing stories. "
Smiling Merlin glanced at Freya. "My mother always told me stars were the guardians of our realm, that they watched over us all and granted wishes to those who deserved them."
"Did your wishes ever come true?" Freya asks.
"No," Merlin answers, shaking his head. "But then what I wished for was not something which could be changed. "
"What did you wish for?" Freya asks, curious.
Thinking for a moment, Merlin sighs. "I wished I wasn't a monster."
Freya pulls her horse to a stop. "What?"
"I used to wish I wasn't a monster, that I wasn't evil... All I ever heard was people saying how evil magic was and how all those who had it were evil..."
"You're not a monster, Merlin." Freya answers. "You could never be a monster."
Merlin smiles sadly. "But for a long time I belived I was a monster... There are times when I still believe I am a monster."
"You could never be a monster, Merlin, " Freya answers. "You should never believe you're a monster... You're the kindest person I know."
Merlin shakes his head. "Do you really believe that?"
"You're not a monster, Merlin." Freya repeats. "You could never be a monster."
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Hunith smiled as Merlin and Freya walked through the door, hand in hand and made there way into the room.
"Mother." Merlin greets his mother.
"My boy." Hunith replies, kissing her sons forehead.
Freya smiles. "Good evening, Hunith."
"No need to be so formal," Hunith smiles. "You're family."
Freya smiles sadly. "It's been a long time since I've had a family."
Hunith grips Freya's arm. "Well you have a family now... You two better sit down, you're stew is getting cold."
"Mother..." Merlin complains.
Freya laughs slightly. "I must say, I'm starving."
Hunith smiled. "Well hurry up and eat then."
Freya and Merlin quickly take their places at the table, Hunith smiles as she notices, they are still holding hands.
Alice smiles, as she joined them at the table. "Merlin I was wondering if you could lend me a hand tomorrow... There have been reports of a sickness spreading near the border and I am to busy to make the journey. "
Merlin smiled as he swollowed a mouthful of stew. "I'm sure I'll have an hour or two free to go check it out."
"And if he doesn't, I'll go." Freya answers.
Alice glances at Freya. "Healing in this realm is much different to that in Avalon."
"I know," Freya replies. "My mother was a druid, so she taught me the basics of healing... I can simply go and look and report my findings back to you."
Alice nodes. "I would be greatful for the help."
Hunith watched her son, as he ate. "I'm not sure whether you are eating or inhaling your strew... Be careful or you might choke. "
"You sound like Gaius," Merlin laughs. "Only your soup doesn't taste like bog water."
"Merlin!" Hunith scolds.
Alice laughs. "Gaius is a great physician and I love him dearly, but his cooking is terrible."
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Merlin sighed, as he lay on his and Freya's bed, staring at the ceiling and clunting the cracks. On the other side of the room, Freya was getting changed into her nightdress, behind a screen.
"There's something troubling you, Merlin." Freya speaks. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"Do you really believe I'm not a monster?" Merlin asks after a moments silence.
"I do," Freya answers. "You are not a monster, Merlin."
Merlin sighed again. "But what if I am a monster?"
"Why would you think you're a monster? How could you possibly think you're a monster!"
"In the council today... I was speaking with Iseldir, he told me I choose the best destiny... But I can't help thinking I didn't."
"What do you mean?" Freya asks.
"When I first entered Camelot, Kilgharrah told me it was my destiny to protect Arthur until he became king... That Arthur was the once and future king and he would unite all of Albion."
"But Arthur is the once and future king..."
"He is," Merlin agrees. "But I didn't have to protect him... My destiny had more than one path. Kilgharrah simply guided me down the path, he thought was the best."
Freya glances at Merlin as she sat down on the bed beside him. "But how isn't the path you've chosen the best?"
Merlin shut his eyes. "I watched so many people burn, or be beheaded, or hanged... Gods, Uthur even drowned people while I was in Camelot... How could watching so many people die be the best path?"
Freya sighs and grips Merlin's hand. "And what would the result of following a different path be?"
"I don't know." Merlin sighs. "But there must have been something better than watching hundreds of people die at the hands of Uthur."
"But you don't know for sure," Freya answers. "What do you think Uthur would have done if a sorcerer kept saving everyone he tried to kill? He sentenced those closest to him to be burnt for witchcraft, when he believed a sorcerer was mocking him! He would have started a second great purge, he would have killed anyone who simply knew about magic."
"You don't know that," Merlin mutters. "I could have saved hundreds of people."
"And Uthur would have killed thousands more!" Freya answers. "You saved evryone you could Merlin and many of those who died were not innocent... Revenge is not always the answer and killing those who have no defence against magic, with magic is hardly the right thing to do... The fight should have at least been fair."
Merlin shakes his head. "Many Uthur killed were innocent, Freya and I did nothing to try and save them... I can still see them dying every time I shut my eyes... I can still hear the screams every time it's silent."
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Freya lay with her head resting on Merlin's chest, she knew the deaths of those he couldn't save rested heavily on his conscience... But there was little either of them could do to change the past, they could only learn from it. They could learn from their mistakes and they could make sure those mistakes were never repeated in the future.
"The first person I watched die was Thomas James Collins," Merlin suddenly speaks. "His mother, Mary Collins, was the first person I killed... She tried to kill Arthur, I had to stop her."
"You feel guilty." Freya muters.
"I killed her," Merlin mutters. "But she killed innocent people to get revenge on Uthur... I just wish I could have saved her son, he didn't use magic to harm the kingdom... He was just trying to help."
Freya gripped Merlin's hand. "But what could you have done Merlin? Your mother sent you to Camelot to try and help you control your magic... You didn't even know any spells!"
"Yet I keep getting told I'm the most powerful sorcerer of all time! I should have been able to save him." Merlin answers.
"Merlin you have a great power... A great destiny," Freya speaks. "But you are yet to learn the full potential of what your magic can do... It would have been like giving a farmer a sword and asking them to fight an army of knights."
Merlin sighs. "I killed Edwin."
"He practiced dark magic," Freya replies. "You killed him, because if you hadn't he would have killed Gaius and Gaius is your family... You killed him to protect your family."
"I killed Sophia and her father, Alfuric."
"And they were willing to sacrifice a life for their own selfish gain... They were going to kill the once and future king."
"Alfufic was just trying to give his daughter a better life." Merlin answers.
"I know," Freya replies. "But they were thrown out of Avalon for a reason."
"I killed Nimueh." Merlin mutters, after a moments silence.
"She used dark magic that is forbidden by the magic council. She turned her back on the ways of the high priestess." Freya answers. "She nearly killed your mother and she killed Gaius. She nearly killed you... You should be dead, the poison killed you. She created a creature which killed many innocent people. She was blinded by her need for revenge and didn't care who she killed in order to get it... By the laws set by the magic council, she was guilty and the sentence for such crimes is death..."
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"I led Arthur and the knights straight to a druid camp." Merlin mutters. "I should have known my tracks were easy to follow."
Freya sighs. "We all make mistakes, Merlin."
"Yeah," Merlin laughs harshly. "And mine cost many of innocent lives."
"You were trying to do the right thing." Freya answers.
Merlin shakes his head. "I could have just left Morgana with the druids... She was happy there, she found somwhere she belonged and fitted in... Somewhere were she was scared of who she really was."
"You tried to help Morgana the only way you could without reveling you had magic... If you had not gone after her and tried to convince her to return, Uthur would have hunted everyone with magic down... You know what he did when Morgause took Morgana from Camelot... Hundreds of people died trying to find her."
"Maybe if I had helped Morgana understand her power, like Gaius did for me... Maybe she wouldn't be the way she is now. I could have taught her the good magic can do and that it was not something to be feared..."
"But at what cost?" Freya asks.
"What do you mean?" Merlin asks confused.
"If you had helped Morgana and she knew you had magic, do you really think it would have been safe her knowing?"
"She was my friend, Freya, she would never have told Uthur!"
"Maybe not," Freya agrees. "But what if a sorcerer was caught, do you not think she would have tried to talk you into helping them escape? If Uthur had caught you, you would have been executed, not Morgana. Uthur would never harm Morgana, you would have been killed and blamed for corrupting Morgana against the king."
Merlin sighs. "But I should have done something to stop her following the path she took."
"She was destined to follow the path of darkness, Merlin." Freya answers.
"But you have more than one destiny," Merlin replies. "My choices forced her down the path she has taken... I poisoned her, I let her fall into the hands of Morgause and all that dark magic has to offer... It my fault."
"Morgana chose to fight against Camelot, she chose to try and kill you, Arthur, Gwen and everyone she once cared about... You may have poisoned her to save Camelot, but you did not force her to hate those she once loved. She and she alone made that choice."
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"I killed two Sidhe and a pixie." Merlin speaks. "Kiling a Sidhe is punishable by death."
"The Sidhe elder you killed tried to kill you... You acted in self defence. The pixie also would have killed you if you had killed her. And the second Sidhe was placed in a human child, a Sidhe which possessed a child would be killed by the high priests and priestesses."
"I doomed Morgause to die a slow and painful death."
"She practiced dark magic, she used magic that was forbidden and killed many innocent people who couldn't fight against her."
"I killed Uthur."
Freya shakes her head. "You tried your best to save him, you did all in your power to save him... Morgana's left hand path charm was what killed him."
"It was my fault Freya, I should have known Morgana would try something like that... But I was so happy Arthur might accept magic, I didn't think. I even knew Agrivaine was working for Morgana!"
"Somethings are easy to forget in the light of another," Freya answers. "We all foret things from time to time."
"My forgetfulness killed a king."
"Morgana killed Uthur, Merlin, not you... You simply played a part in a plan you had no idea about."
"I killed Agrivaine."
"And he would have killed you, he even tried to before you killed him! He helped kidnap Gaius, almost start a war... He betrayed Arthur and Camelot, all becuase he wanted power and revenge on the man he blamed for his sisters death... He was not a good man, he may have been once, but his need for revenge mage him turn his back on everything that made him a good and honorable man."
Merlin sighed. "I've killed so many people..."
"You have done what you needed to, to protect your self and the people you love and care about... You have saved far more people than you have killed or let die."
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Hey everyone, sorry about not updating sooner. I dropped by Surface rt and it had be sent away to get repaired and won't be back for another three weeks :/ So I have half-inched my mum's samsung tablet, which sadly dose not upload word documents... So while trying to find a way to put up a note to inform you I wouldn't be putting chapters up for a bit, I found a way to write chapters without having to upload documents :) (it only took me a week and a half to work that out :/) Anyway hoped you like that chapter, next up is the secret sharer and Lamia, which will be up real soon.
Blessed be,
TreeOfLife1997.