Sorry this chapter took so long to be posted. Greg Lestrade was incredibly uncooperative in this story. But he came around eventually!
I don't own BBC Sherlock, nor any of the AU stories out there. I just own a fickle muse!
Greg Lestrade sped up the stairs of 221B and pushed the door of the flat open. John and Sherlock turned to look at him. Sherlock was holding a stack of papers in one hand and had his other hand curled around his chin, as if he was contemplating them before he was interrupted. John had his elbows on his knees and was leaning towards the coffee table. He smiled at Greg in greeting. It was obvious that the papers scattered on the coffee table were the focus of his attention before he had looked up.
Lestrade felt disappointed, "Are you working on a case?"
"It's a social experiment." Sherlock answered him offhandedly, "Do you have a case for me?"
"It's a cold case actually. I thought you could do with one to stave off your boredom." Lestrade answered him casually while he handed the file to Sherlock.
John got up to go and make tea while Sherlock read the case file. Lestrade sat in John's chair and looked around the flat for a short while. Then his eyes wondered towards the papers on the table. On some of them were lists with some items crossed out; while in front of others were open brackets that contained a large bulk of scribbles.
Before Lestrade was able to investigate any further, he was interrupted by a mug of tea being handed to him. He raised his head and thanked John.
"This is a pretty straight forward case, Lestrade." Sherlock drawled, "The willow leaves found near the body make it clear that it was the neighbor that did it." He handed Lestrade the file after finishing his deductions.
"Okay, thanks for that." Lestrade took back the file rather reluctantly and put down his half empty mug of tea. "I better be-"
"Nonsense, you haven't even finished your tea!" John said rather enthusiastically, "Let me get some biscuits and more tea." And he hurried to the kitchen without waiting for Greg's reply.
Lestrade looked at him with a perplexed expression. He turned towards Sherlock and found the consulting detective was regarding him with interest. "Is there something you wanted to ask from me, Sherlock?"
"Yes." Was Sherlock's curt reply.
"Okay…"
"Hay! Wait for me; I'm not done making tea yet!" John yelled from the kitchen.
"He doesn't know of the experiment yet!" Sherlock yelled back.
"Woaw, wait a minute! I'm not going to be a guinea pig in one of your hair brained experiments. I don't fancy being turned into a frog or something!" Lestrade ranted.
"Relax Lestrade, it's a social experiment. No bodily harm would come to you." Sherlock replied calmly.
John reemerged from the kitchen holding a tray laden with tea things, "And don't worry about your sanity either, it's just a questionnaire."
"What kind of a questionnaire?" Greg asked bemused.
"We tell you some hypothetical situations and you tell us what your reaction would be." Sherlock replied.
Lestrade contemplated his situation. He didn't have any ongoing cases to labor on, and he hadn't any plans made for the evening. The whole reason he had come over was to postpone going back to his empty flat. He indicated the tray with his head, "Are those chocolate biscuits?"
"Yes, and there're also some of Mrs. Hudson's scones as well." John answered him brightly.
Greg picked up one of the biscuits, "Alright then, ask away!"
"What would your reaction be if we told you that we were vampires?" Sherlock asked.
"Both of you?" Lestrade asked with raised eyebrows.
"Yes, would that be a problem?" Sherlock said with his brows furrowed.
"Well, to be honest, I can kind of picture you as a vampire, but not John."
"Why not?" Sherlock asked in the true fashion of a scientist.
"You sort of fit the cliché of vampires in literature with your pale skin and aristocratic air. John fits better with the werewolf stereotype."
"Why is that Greg?" John asked with genuine curiosity.
"You know," Greg paused and gestured to John, "Your whole protectiveness and temper, plus the fact you were abroad in a war fits in with the theory that you could have been bitten there by something and gotten infected."
"Thank you for ruining question number two, Lestrade." Sherlock grumbled.
"You're getting ahead of yourself, Greg," John interjected, "How would you react if any of those theories was true?"
"Both of them?"
"Answer them one at a time," John instructed him, "So, what's your response to us being vampires?"
"Is there an exsanguinated body somewhere I should know about?"
"No." John and Sherlock chorused.
"Should I expect one?"
"No." Came the chorus again.
"Then why should I know about this?"
"Because you're our friend and we want to let you in on our secret." Sherlock said, a bit rehearsed.
"Meh…that sounds a bit boring, don't you think?" Greg pointed out.
"We want to prevent you from having a heart attack in the possible event of you barging in the flat and seeing us sucking some blood bags with our fangs extended." John explained.
"Uh ha," Greg said contemplatively, "How old are you guys?"
"Really? Greg, that is offensive!" John said with exaggerate indignation.
"What? It's not like you're a bunch of women!" Lestrade retorted good humoredly.
"Doesn't mean you have to go ahead and ask it!" John shot back mildly.
"Don't mind him Lestrade, he's become rather touchy about his age after he reached forty." Sherlock interjected.
"Forty what, decades? Or centuries?" Lestrade asked with a wicked grin.
John leveled a look at Lestrade, "I am not going to dignify that with an answer!"
"Alright, moving on to next-" Sherlock began.
"So who turned whom?" Lestrade cut him off mid-sentence.
"What?" Sherlock asked thrown off balance.
"Who turned the other one into a vampire?" Lestrade clarified.
"No one turned the other. We met in the hospital's blood bank." John rattled off.
"Awe, how-"
"Next question!" Sherlock interrupted Lestrade, "How would you feel if we told you we are werewolves?"
"Like I said, I'd believe if John was a werewolf, but I'd seriously doubt it about you."
"Why, what's wrong with me being a werewolf?" Sherlock asked.
"You don't fit the cliché of a canine. You'd be better fitted to being a were-cat."
Sherlock paused for a beat, then let out a sigh, "It doesn't matter what I turn into. What matters is that I turn into a huge furry beast in nights with a full moon."
"You'll turn into a cat. It will neither be huge nor particularly furry." Greg countered.
"A house cat?" John interjected, "He's nothing like a house cat. A Persian cat in her shedding season makes less mess than he does!"
"I don't shed!" Sherlock exclaimed indignantly.
"No, that's not what I meant. I was comparing the mess making. Persian cats start to- Oh never mind!" John was frustrated. "He's not a cat."
"If I'm going to turn into anything feline, I'd rather it be a panther." Sherlock replied. "Besides, I have good tracing skills."
"And he whines when he's bored." John added. "He fits the wolf image pretty well too!"
"I like the panther one better." Greg countered. "Any way, werewolf, were cat, why would I want to know that? I doubt I would walk in on you in your beast forms in the middle of the night."
"If you know our condition, you would know when we are unavailable to assist on your cases." Sherlock responded.
Greg pondered that, then nodded, "Fair enough. Where do you stay at full moons?"
"In the flat." John answered him.
"Wouldn't it be better if you relocated to someplace safe out of town?" Greg wondered.
"We did think of that first, but then decided it was too risky." Sherlock replied.
"The country has its benefits, but the hassle of relocating there, especially if we're in the middle of a case has too many drawbacks." John explained. "Besides, we're going to be human in the day and wolf or whatever at night; we can go on with our business better if we stay in town."
"Plus, it would draw less attention to our schedule, thus protecting our secret." Sherlock added.
"Wow, you have given this business a lot of thought, haven't you?" Lestrade asked with an amused smile.
"This is a very important experiment. I tried to be as thorough as I can." Sherlock said seriously. "So, what is your reaction?"
"Stay away from Baker Street at full moon nights and not make jokes about you hissing like a cat or snapping like a dog!" Greg answered in one breath.
"Next question, what would your reaction be if we informed you we were shape shifters." Sherlock pressed on.
"Meaning you had the ability to turn into animals whenever you wanted?"
"Yes, and we would completely take the shape of said animal." Sherlock continued.
"What animals would you turn into?" Greg inquired.
"What animals do you think we'd turn into Greg?" John asked.
"Hmm…" Greg rested his chin on the palm of his hands and leaned forward a little. "I'd say…John would be a hedgehog and Sherlock would be an otter."
John and Sherlock's eyebrows rose simultaneously. Greg grinned at them, "Your faces remind me of those animals!" He said brightly.
"This one always has odd answers, just go to the next question, Sherlock." John advised his friend.
"Alright, moving on." Sherlock cleared his throat, "How would you react if we had wings?"
"I'd tell you to lay off of Red Bull and stick to coffee." Greg deadpanned.
"Lestrade!" Sherlock huffed.
"Angel wings or demon wings?"
"What are demon wings?" Sherlock asked confused.
"Big black leathery wings that look like distorted bat wings." Lestrade said with a hint of excitement.
"Who would want those wings?" John said bewildered, "We had Dragonfly wings in mind."
"No, John. You had those insect wings in mind. I was referring to the feathery wings."
"Why would you want pixie wings John?" Lestrade asked the doctor.
"Because they are easier to hide under my clothes, and if I wanted to use them, the slit in my clothes would be a lot thinner." John explained.
Greg considered that, "That's pretty practical mate. Sherlock, are yours pixie wings as well?"
"No." Sherlock drawled, "Mine are feathery wings."
"Those will be hard to conceal." Greg mused, "There is no way you'd be able to hide those bulky wings under your clothes."
"I don't want insect wings!" Sherlock snapped.
"Not even bee wings?" John prodded.
"The only reason bees are able to fly is because of their meager weight, otherwise it would have been impossible for them to fly. Therefore bee wings on a human body would not be able to lift said body in the air, let alone allow said body to fly." Sherlock lectured.
"Not even butterfly wings?" Greg said with a cheeky smile.
John looked into space, trying to visualize that image, then shook his head, "Nope, not going to happen! Besides, they'd have the same problem the angle wings would have."
"Oh for the love of- Would you stop splitting hairs on the technicalities of the wings and move along to your reaction to them?" Sherlock snapped.
"I wouldn't mind them, if you hadn't gathered that already!" Greg told him brightly. "I even might want to touch them!"
"Hold it mate! You don't go around touching a block's wings." John said a little alarmed.
"Come on! How often do you come across a winged human?" Greg retorted cheerfully.
"I'll remember to never show you my wings, Greg! I'm disturbed!" John said with his eyes narrowed.
"I didn't expect you to have that approach, Lestrade. What else?" Sherlock asked calmly.
"Um, nothing else. I was mostly having fun picturing you two lunatics with different kinds of wings." Greg mused.
John and Sherlock stared at him for a bit. Then Sherlock decided to move on. "What would you do if you discovered we were wizards?"
"I'd ask you to not get me mixed up with Voldemert, thank you very much!" Greg answered quickly.
Sherlock furrowed his brows, "Who?"
"You know, you-know-who!" Greg said indignantly.
"No, I don't know to whom you are referring by you-know-who. I obviously don't know who!" Sherlock replied calmly.
"Leave it, Sherlock. I'd explain later." John intervened. Then he turned towards the DI, "We're not those kinds of wizards."
"I gathered that much. Otherwise he would have at least known about the dark lord. How would I find this out anyway?"
"You saw one of us levitating the skull."
"Then how would I know you're wizards and not telekinetic?"
"Because we would tell you so." Sherlock said matter-of-factly.
"How would I know you're not misleading me?"
"I think being magical is a much bigger deal than being telekinetic." John answers with a tilt to his head.
"Yeah, fair enough. So how does the arraignment go? You're the wizard and Sherlock's your cat?"
"What?" John and Sherlock both ask in confusion.
"You know, a wizard or witch has their shape shifting companion? You're more suited to be a cat Sherlock."
"And how are you sure I'm the shape shifter and not John?" Sherlock challenged.
"A wizard and a hedgehog? Not very likely!"
"And why can't we be equals?" Sherlock retorted.
"Because then you'd belong to the Harry Potter universe which brings us back to you-know-who." Greg took a breath after his tirade.
"Those can't be the only versions of wizards." Sherlock argued.
"Well, now I know what I'd do if Greg found out I was a wizard." John said evenly, "I'd sure as heck wipe out his memory of the discovery and be done with it."
"Hey!"
"I agree with him Lestrade, you are being very annoying about it." Sherlock replied, "And this way you wouldn't have to worry about getting mixed up with he-who-you-know-whom."
Greg slumped in his chair a little, "Yeah, sorry. I saw a movie about dark magic a few days ago and I've been jumpy about it ever since."
Sherlock regarded Lestrade for a few moments, then he let out a sigh, "Its fine, Lestrade. John didn't react well to me being an android."
"Well, it is a farfetched notion. I mean, who would want to marry a robot?"
"I'm sorry Greg, but I think I heard you wrong." John interrupted, "You said 'who would want to-?'"
"Marry, like in those questions." Greg pointed to the paper on the coffee table, "That was on the list, right?"
Sherlock looked at the said paper, "Um, no. Those were questions suggested by Mrs. Hudson, and they were rejected for the purpose of this research."
"So you're not trying to break the news to me that you're getting married?"
"Nope!" Sherlock said, popping the 'p'.
"Why not?"
"Why is everyone so keen to have us married?" John said exasperated.
"I don't know about everyone else, but I like weddings. I haven't been to one in ages; I was hoping you were inviting me to yours." Greg said with a mischievous smile.
Sherlock ruffled his hair in agitation, "The madness is contagious!" He mumbled. Then his brows furrowed and he looked at John, "What did you exactly mean by every one? So far only Mrs. Hudson has made that outrageous suggestion. Who else has mentioned this to you?"
"Your brother."
"When was that?" Sherlock was shocked.
"The first time he kidnapped me." John deadpanned, "I'm thinking of using him as our next subject. It'll be amusing to see how he'd cope with all the illogical situations."
Sherlock had an excited glint in his eyes, "I'll make the draft right after this session is over!"
"There are more questions?" Greg asked.
"Yes, what would you say if you found out one or both us was a zombie?" Sherlock asked in a professional tone.
"That would explain the body parts in the fridge quite nicely." Greg said calmly, "It would be better than my own theory of you being a cannibal, Sherlock."
"Me being a-"
"On the flip side, that would prove Donovan right." Greg continued, taking no notice of Sherlock's protest. "She believes you keep the severed limbs as spare parts!"
John stared at him, "Alright, that was awkward!"
"Tell me about it, half the yard has made all kinds of speculations about you two. Donovan and Anderson are the forerunners of the freaky theories!"
John turned to Sherlock, "Is that where you got the idea for this questionnaire?"
"No, it was from a conversation I had with Molly Hooper."
"Really?" Greg asked, "How did that go? I'm guessing she didn't draw out a questionnaire like you did."
"Oh no, it was nothing like that. I believe she was trying to be funny, but that lead to the idea of this research." Sherlock explained.
"Now I'm really curious to hear how that exchange went." John prodded.
"Well, I had gone to the lab at Bart's." Sherlock began.
Not exactly a cliff-hanger, but don't worry! Molly's chapter will be up soon.