Growing Pains- Chapter 14
Sorry if this is a little later than usual (though you may have not even noticed!) I was stuck doing physics homework, and it was stupidly hard.
I couldn't resist myself in this chapter- there will be fluff! I was tempted to expand the entire Elladan being angry at Estel for a while longer, but honestly, I can't see Elladan holding a grudge for that long. I think he has probably learnt by now that it is pointless. Besides, he loves Estel (it's all so fluffy and adorable :) )
Anyway, ignore my rambling. I am running on dregs of energy by now, and it always makes me super susceptible to cuteness and fluff, and does tend to bring out my inner (well, not very inner) fangirl.
Disclaimer: see Chapter 1
0-o-0-o-0
When Legolas next awoke, it took him a few moments to realise where he was and why his entire body was aching like he had been thrown from a horse.
Of course, he had been thrown from a horse. Only two days ago. It seemed like longer. He pushed himself up from the bed with a stifled groan as his stiff body protested.
It was early afternoon. Estel was curled up on the bed the other side of Elrohir, asleep. Elrohir was, as he had been the last time Legolas had been awake, lying still on his side. Elladan sat next to him.
Legolas winced and pushed himself into a sitting position on the edge of the bed. "How is he?" he asked, grimacing at the hoarseness of his voice.
Elladan glanced up. His clothes had been changed, no longer bloody and dirty. "Better," he said softly. "I think he might wake soon. Adar will be along in a few moments." He looked over Legolas, and a small smile lifted the corners of his lips. "You look terrible."
Legolas chuckled. "I can believe that," he murmured. "Did you sleep?"
"A little," said Elladan, shrugging slightly. He still seemed tired, still slumped slightly in the chair, but there was a little something more in his gaze, something that makes his eyes not blank anymore. Elladan's eyes briefly cut to Estel's sleeping form, and Legolas knows for certain at that point, even though he already knew, that Estel had nothing really to worry about.
Elladan reached down to the floor and carefully picked up a tray of food, a bowl of soup and bread rolls. "Here," he said, getting up and walking around Elrohir's bed to pass the tray over. "Eat. It should still be warm."
Legolas paused. "Have you eaten?" he asked, his hand hovering over one of the bread rolls.
Elladan rolled his eyes. "Aye," he said with a grin, sitting down on the edge of the bed next to him. "Go on, eat. I know you want to."
Legolas chuckled slightly and tore apart the bread roll, dipping it into the thick soup. "The food here is always so good," he muttered around a mouthful of bread and soup. "I can see why Estel eats so much of it."
Elladan chuckled a little, his gaze sliding over to where his little brother lay asleep, tangled in the sheets of the bed. His gaze changed, becoming softer, the grin slowly fading from his lips. Legolas followed his gaze.
"You know he was trying to help," he said.
"Don't try and get him out of this, Legolas," said Elladan, but there was a warmth in his voice that had not been there before. "He shouldn't have come."
"I know that," said Legolas. "I do. But try and tell me that you never did anything you were not supposed to do. Your little brother is growing up to be rather similar to you and your brother, Elladan, including the slight disregard for what they should be doing, and the irritating stubbornness that both of you possess in spades." Legolas chuckled. "You should be proud of him."
Elladan laughed at that. "Most days I don't know whether to be proud of him or wring his neck," he admitted. "You do not have a little brother, Legolas. You have no idea how frustrating it can be."
Legolas opened his mouth, about to say something, when the door swung open and Elrond walked in, closely followed by Glorfindel. They paused when they saw Estel, still sleeping, and both adjusted their stride so that their footsteps, which before were quiet, were now silent.
They paused again, and at that moment Elrohir began to stir. A stifled groan came from the bed, and instantly Elladan sprang to his feet. Elrond swiftly made his way to the edge of the bed and sat down carefully. "Ion?" he asked softly. "Elrohir, open your eyes."
Elrohir's eyes didn't open, but one hand came up from the covers to feebly bat at the bandage covering the gash on his temple. In almost an instant, Elladan was sitting on the other edge of the bed, and had caught Elrohir's hand. "Easy, brother," he murmured. "Easy. Leave the bandage alone."
Finally Elrohir's eyes cracked open and he squinted. "Ll'dan?" he murmured almost incoherently. His other hand moved to shield the weak sunlight from his eyes, and Glorfindel instantly moved across and pulled the curtains shut, dimming the room.
A relieved grin broke out across Elladan's face. "Aye, I'm here, brother," he said softly.
Elrohir grimaced, his eyes squinting as he turned his head to look over to Elladan first, and then to Elrond. "Adar," he murmured with a wince. "Man-?"
"Easy," chided Elrond, gently stilling Elrohir's turning head. "You took an orc blade to the head. It's a nasty concussion and some stitches, but nothing that won't heal."
Elrohir's face scrunched up in what looked like confusion. "Yrch…" he muttered. Something suddenly clicked inside his head and he surged up, worry evident across his face.
"Steady, ion," said Elrond, pushing him back down. Elrohir resisted, and Elrond was about to say something when Elladan suddenly opened his mouth.
"Muindor, it's alright, I'm alright. I'm fine. Estel is fine. He's safe. Legolas is safe as well, that insufferable blond elf. We're all fine."
Elrohir settled back down, but his face was still fixed in a grimace, and his hand tried to go to his head again. Elladan pulled it back down with a small grin. "Leave the bandage alone, brother," he said with a smile.
"Here," Elrond said, holding out a small cup. Elladan hadn't seen his father get up and get the sleeping draught, which is what he guessed it was, but Elrond was insistent, holding it out until Elrohir took it with shaky hands.
Yet still the stubbornness prevailed for a little longer. Elrohir looked over at Elladan, knowing he would get more answers from his brother. They had been in each other's position before, after all.
"How…long?" he murmured, his words becoming a little clearer.
Elladan smiled slightly, knowing what was going through his brother's head. "You haven't missed too much," he said softly. "A day, more or less."
Elrohir nodded, and raised the cup to his lips. "Good," he murmured, before drinking it down. He grimaced. "Still tastes…foul."
"I know, brother," said Elladan with a small laugh. "Sleep well." Elrohir's eyes slid shut, and soon he was fast asleep once more.
Everyone in the room let out a breath they didn't realise they had been holding. Elrond's experience let him know that Elrohir would be perfectly fine, and everyone else in the room reacted to his relief, knowing exactly what it meant.
Elladan sagged back, sinking onto the bed next to where Legolas was sitting, and Elrond and Glorfindel both watched as Legolas put an arm around Elladan's shoulders, and the dark-haired elf leant into the blond. Legolas heaved a sigh and allowed a small grin to come across his face. Not long after, it spread to Elladan as well.
Elrond caught Glorfindel's eye and smiled at the elf. It was not only the recent sight of Elrohir, awake and somewhat coherent, but also the two elves sitting on the bed across from them now. Only the Valar knew how many times each of them had been waiting, for what Elrond knew could seem like an Age for any news, and sign that things would be alright. And Elrond knew from experience that after a while, it became easier to expect the bad news. It softened the blow.
And that, he suspected, was probably the reason for the slightly glazed, uncomprehending looks that he could see on his son and Legolas' faces. Sometimes it gets hard to believe good news, when you have every reason to believe that things, once again, will not go your way.
"He will be fine," said Elrond, his voice soft, though the draught he had given Elrohir was rather strong, and the elf would not be awake for hours. "He should wake again before the day is out. Elladan, are you staying here?"
Elladan nodded. "Aye," he said, still leaning a little into Legolas. "We will stay." Legolas merely nodded, and still Estel slept on, oblivious.
Elrond nodded. "There are things have been left that I must attend to now. Ion, make sure you look after yourself as well. I will return in the afternoon, or as soon as I can."
Elladan nodded, and Elrond turned and left, leaving Glorfindel, Elladan and Legolas awake in the room. Glorfindel sighed, but there was a smile on his face, and he was almost relaxed. He turned to Elladan and Legolas.
"Things could have been far worse," he said. A wry smile came across his face. "Of course, I know all too well how pointless those words are, but you know we were all lucky this time." He turned away, clapping Elladan on the shoulder.
"Look after yourself, Elladan," said Glorfindel. "Legolas, make sure he does that." Both elves smirked slightly, and Glorfindel smiled, turning to leave the room. Elladan watched him go, and as soon as the door swung shut, he leant more heavily into Legolas.
Legolas sighed. "You alright?" he murmured, both of them watching Elrohir and Estel sleep peacefully. Elladan shrugged.
"It gets worse every time," he muttered.
"Are you referring to Glorfindel's jokes?" asked Legolas. "Because I know they can become bad, but they haven't even started yet." He smiled, but somehow it fell a little short of his eyes as he watched Elrohir.
Elladan pulled away slightly. "You know what I mean," he said softly, but there was a small smile playing across his face.
"I do," admitted Legolas. "But I was hoping you would say it, rather than me."
Elladan chuckled morosely. "I was hoping neither of us would say it, mellon-nin. Because it does really get worse every time."
Legolas nodded, and the two friends leant back into each other slightly. They both knew what each other meant, and they both knew that they were right. It got worse every time.
They weren't referring to the injuries. There was no pattern to the wounds they received or the fights they fought, if only that the battles, having died down after the Battle of the Five Armies, were now coming back in number once again. But the fear, the worry that sat in the pit of their stomachs, became worse every time.
Not because they were necessarily worried for each other, at least not once they knew the other would be alright. But every time one of them was injured, the others were faced with the terrible, horrible feeling that maybe this time they wouldn't be lucky. That maybe this time it would go wrong, and one of them would die.
But there was an even worse feeling, one that crept up only after the injured one of them opened their eyes and spoke and smiled. The others would be relieved, of course, but yet they would still wonder, still ask how much longer their luck was going to last. How many more times would they scrape through before the worst happened, before a sword cut too deep or a blow was too hard?
And so this lingering fear crept up on them, sitting here, watching Elrohir sleep. This time, things had worked out to be alright. But that holds no guarantee that the next time, and there will be a next time, things will not go wrong, and there is no guarantee that the next time everybody lives.
It was a sobering thought.
Neither of them said anything after that, sitting together on the edge of the bed. After a little while Legolas shifted and lay down, flat out with his injured ankle propped up on a folded blanket. He slowly drifted off to sleep, his eyes wide and unfocused as he walked in dreams.
Elladan stayed awake a little longer, his need to stay awake and make sure that his brothers and friend were all safe with his body's need to rest and go to sleep. Eventually his body won, and he gave in and lay down on the next bed over. He was so tired that his eyes slid half shut as he fell asleep, and then the room was quiet, save for the sound of three elves and a young man steadily breathing as they slept.
Glorfindel walked into the room a little while later, and paused in the doorway. In front of him lay the two brothers he had known and trained for most of their lives, their invaluable friend who was still, to Glorfindel's slight surprise, still cheerful after so much, and the recent addition, the young man who Glorfindel had already come to love fiercely. All of them were fast asleep. Estel's arm had flopped out from underneath him and hung over the bed, as if reaching for Elrohir. Both Elladan and Legolas were facing the injured elf as well.
Glorfindel moved silently across the room, first pulling the blanket up over Estel's shoulder and gently putting his arm back on the bed. He then grabbed two more blankets and spread them carefully over Legolas and Elladan. A smile came over his face as he watched the four of them sleep, and then silently, he turned and walked away.
0-o-0-o-0
When Estel next awoke, it was the afternoon again. He grimaced and sat up, rubbing his eyes in a futile attempt to try and wake up. With a yawn, he swung his legs off the edge of the bed.
He had no idea how he was still so tired. He had spent an absurd amount of time sleeping, and yet still was resisting the urge to fall back onto the soft pillow and pull the blanket up around him…
He shook his head and got to his feet, wincing a little as the slight pain that throbbed through his casted arm when he grabbed hold of the edge of the bed to steady himself. It would heal, though. And then he could start becoming a better fighter, a better warrior. He had not forgotten the promise he had made himself. He wouldn't allow anyone else to get hurt because of his stupid mistakes.
Estel was still half asleep as he stood away from his bed, aiming to go and get a glass of water from the side. His throat was dry and scratchy, and his head ached. But his feet betrayed him and he stumbled, one ankle twisting underneath him. He made an undignified grab for the edge of the bed and managed to stop himself before he completely fell over. Estel blushed slightly. So much for becoming a better fighter. He couldn't even keep his balance.
A low chuckle from nearby made him suddenly straighten up. Estel turned to see Elladan sitting in a chair next to Elrohir's bed, a small smile across his face.
"Careful, little brother," he said. "You wouldn't want to break the other arm."
Estel scowled, but the effect was spoiled by the grin that spread across his face at the friendliness in his brother's voice, the smile on Elladan's face. "Aren't you still angry at me?" he asked, trying to make it sound nonchalant, but to his ears, failing miserably.
Elladan sighed. "Not really, not anymore," he said. "Elrohir will be alright, and I can't see how my anger will in any way help anything." He smiled softly at Estel. "You meant well, and Legolas did point out that the exact qualities that got you into trouble are those that both Elrohir and I seem to have taught you, so if anything, it is our fault."
Estel chuckled. He wondered what had made Elladan suddenly seem so much more relaxed, from the last time he had been awake. And then he saw how Elladan's eyes kept flickering to Elrohir's sleeping form, but held far less worry than before. As if every time Elladan looked at him, he is relieved.
And then it clicked in Estel's mind, and he frowned. "He woke, didn't he?" he asked, his voice suddenly colder. "You could have woken me. You should have woken me, Elladan. He is my brother too."
Elladan couldn't help but smile at the indignant tone in Estel's voice. "There is the stubbornness that you learnt from us," he said softly. "You needed the rest, and he will wake again. He will be fine."
Estel scowled again at his brother, but was so relieved by the fact that Elrohir would definitely be alright that the thought wasn't in it. He moved over and grabbed a cup of water from the side, drinking it down quickly.
"When will he wake again?" Estel asked, coming to sit on the edge of his bed. Elladan looked over at him, and the guilt and worry in Estel's heart lessened at the sight of his brother smiling at him, and not looking at him with anger or disappointment.
"Not for a few more hours," said Elladan. "Adar gave him a strong sleeping draught, but he has never been one to stay asleep for long. By tonight, I would imagine, he will be awake."
"How is Legolas?" asked Estel. The blond elf was curled on his side facing them, his knees nearly up to his chest. His face was still a little flushed, and even in his sleep he seemed restless, shifting slightly as if he couldn't find the right position to be comfortable in.
Elladan reached over and gently pressed the back of his hand against Legolas' brow. "He has a slight fever," he murmured. "But it is not too bad. I will make him drink something when he awakes." He smiled slightly. "There is no point waking him now. I doubt he has had much rest in Mirkwood before he came here. He looked tired when he arrived, and it hasn't really left yet."
Estel had thought the elf had looked fine when he had arrived, but then he hadn't known Legolas. He still didn't know him. Or did he? He felt like he knew Legolas better than he should after only, what, less than a week? But then the circumstances had been less than normal.
"So Elrohir will be alright," murmured Estel. "Good." He slumped forwards, resting his elbows on his knees. "So now we wait?"
Elladan chuckled a little. "Patience was never one of your strong points," he said softly. "Aye, we wait. Find a book, if you cannot be patient." He leant back in his chair, his eyes still on his sleeping brother.
Estel sighed and looked over at Elladan. "I'm sorry," he murmured.
Elladan's eyes cut sharply to him. "We have been through this," he said, his voice slightly tighter than before.
"Aye, but you are more reasonable now," said Estel with a slight smile. "And I wanted to say I'm sorry. I really am."
The smile disappeared from his face. "When I…when I set out, I wanted, I did it to show you and Elrohir that I wasn't just a child that needed protecting. I never realised how foolish that was."
Elladan raised one eyebrow, and Estel blushed. "Well, maybe I did know how idiotic it was. But at the time I thought I had to do it, to prove myself to be brave. You and Elrohir have been training me, teaching me all this time to be a fighter, to be brave. And when we first met the orcs, when I was in that tree, all I could think of was how I was letting you down."
To Estel's horror, hot tears filled his eyes and began to spill over his cheeks. "The last thing I want to do is let you down," he said softly. "And I know this is my fault, and it is because of me that Elrohir is hurt. But I just didn't want to disappoint you, Elladan, even though I ended up doing just that."
Estel stopped there, afraid that if he kept going he wouldn't ever be able to stop. And the tears started to run down his face, because it was now that he realised what it was exactly he would become, if he grew up to fight like his brothers. And he was terrified that he wasn't good enough, terrified that he would let down his brothers and father and anyone who depended on him. He just hoped that it wouldn't be that many people who were reliant on him in the future.
"I will be better," he promised. "I won't allow something like this to happen again because I am not good enough, I promise. Elladan, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I won't let you down again, I promise."
Through the tears that were blurring his sight, Estel didn't see his brother get up from where he sat. But suddenly strong arms were wrapped around him, and he heard Elladan's voice, soft and calm, in his ear.
"It's alright, little brother, it's alright," murmured Elladan. "We're all here. We're all safe."
Estel leant his head into his brother's shoulder and finally, after trying to keep hold of it for days, let go of all the worry and fear and horror at what had happened, and cried.
"Hey," said Elladan gently. "Estel, remember to breathe. In and out, alright?" Estel nodded shakily, and wrapped his arms around Elladan.
"I'm so sorry," he breathed through sobs. "I'm so sorry."
"Ai, little brother," said Elladan softly. "I know. I know. But never doubt for a moment, Estel, that we are not incredibly proud of you. We really are. And do not promise to never allow something like this to happen again, because it will. Sometimes you will make mistakes, or others will make them, and people will be hurt. They might die."
At this thought Estel gulped, hearing the undercurrent meaning in Elladan's voice, that one day him and Elrohir might be killed, might be cut down in battle, their luck running out. And his arms tightened around his brother, one of the two who had always been there.
"I don't want any of this to happen," Estel whispered. "I don't want anyone else to be hurt. I don't want to watch someone die."
"Ai, I know, little brother," said Elladan. "And it's a horrible, terrible thing to say, but things are dark right now, and if everything continue in the way it seems to be set, then the world will become a lot darker. And people will die because of it. We cannot change that, not really."
"Then what's the point?" asked Estel softly.
Elladan's voice almost sounded slightly amused. "The point?" he asked. "I don't know. We fight against the darkness and shadow as well as we can. We try and kill as many orcs as possible before our luck runs out. We try and protect as many people as possible before it is over. That is all we can do, I suppose."
"I want to grow up," said Estel, half pulling away from Elladan, so his brother was still gripping his shoulders, but he could look the elf in the eye. "I want to grow up, and not have to… be able to be less afraid."
Elladan chuckled. "You think the fear goes away, little brother?" he asked. "I know Legolas already said something to you along these lines. It never leaves you, Estel. Aye, it changes, it may fade over time, but it will never, ever leave you alone. All that happens is that you get better at hiding it. You build a better mask."
Elladan's face was sad now, a shadow of grief passing over it. "Why do you think Elrohir, Legolas and I never look afraid to you? We have had plenty of time to build the best mask we can."
Estel ran a hand over his face. "I'm sorry," he mumbled again. Elladan laughed slightly.
"You do not have to be," he said. "Tears do not make you a coward. If they did, Legolas, Elrohir and I would have turned and run hundreds of years ago." His face softened, and he smiled softly.
"I will not say that you have much of a choice in this," he said. "These times are darkening, and they will need people to fight back against the shadows threatening us. Sometimes there is little choice, if we want to protect that which we love."
"But this is what we, meaning Elrohir, Legolas and I, have told each other over the years. Just because you may not live to see the end, it doesn't mean that there won't be one. And the only way to keep going towards that end, be it good or bad, is to find something good in this world, find something worth fighting for, and defend it with all that you have."
And then Elladan leant back a little, and there was a strange look in his eyes. "But Estel, something tells me you will live to see the end. You will be there, little brother, and when you are, remember that. Keep something close to your heart, and defend it with all that you have."
To Be Continued...
I just want to wrap Estel up in a warm blanket and cuddle him until he cheers up...
Concussions, the bad ones anyway, do take a while to wake up out of, which is why Elrohir is only awake for such a short time. It's really hard to stay awake when your brain seems to have lost most of its rational thought (when I had my concussion, I would do things like randomly sit down because my brain was suddenly like 'I have no idea what is going on so let's sit down because at least that's something'. It was really weird).
It's not over yet- there is still some things left to happen, and the wrapping up of this story is going to take a little while. As always, reviews are very welcome.