Author's Note:
This has now officially become my most reviewed story, and I fucking love you all for it. Thank you so much!
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Devotion
Leather bit skin, and the sound of a woman's muffled scream echoed through a small hotel room in lower Manhattan.
Regina's skin seared but she closed her eyes, reveling in the feeling it allotted her. It wasn't merely pain, nor was it just pleasure; it was satisfaction. Satisfaction that, for once, she had provided a proper substitute for the demons that had laid rest in Emma's mind, for if it wasn't this, it would have been something far worse.
Emma had fallen apart, the small bit of control she finally had over her life disappearing within an instant as she had found herself knocking on the door to her past, and everything she had strived towards the last couple days ended up shattering around her, cutting into her heart and destroying her sanity.
"What did I say about noise?" Emma hissed, her eyes darkening with the only power she had anymore. The leather belt licked Regina's skin again and the pain shot through her behind as she bit back another scream from behind her gag, trying to be completely subservient despite her innate nature to challenge those who held the upper hand.
Emma needed this. It was all she had left in that moment.
So Regina stayed silent, holding back every scream, every gasp, every sound. Hands bound over her head to the metal coat rod in the closet, Regina faced the wall and allowed Emma to do as she pleased with her body. Her body ached and the skin on her bottom was raw, but her compliance seemed to bring a momentary sense of calm to Emma as Regina heard her exhale a long breath, and fingers began their decent down the brunette's body.
"Good girl," Emma breathed into her ear, the praise sounding almost condescending as fingertips slipped through a sticky gush of arousal. Regina whimpered softly and widened her stance, pushing her backside up against Emma's body as she silently begged for a reward.
Even if it came though, Regina knew the abuse her body was receiving tonight was far from over. What had transpired today begged Emma to forget in whatever way she could, and it was not something that could merely be fixed with a few licks of a belt. Still, Regina would do whatever it took so that Emma didn't go searching for a more toxic solution, for taking a few steps backwards was far better than turning and running towards inevitable destruction.
It was a possibility that had become all too real when Regina had finally caught up to her, finding Emma rummaging desperately in her luggage for what she called her emergency stash. "They were just in case!" she had exclaimed, her breathing erratic and eyes widening with panic as Regina tried to take them from her. Despite her efforts though, she had only managed one. "It was just in case and fuck Regina, I'm pretty goddamn sure that this qualifies, okay? So get off my fucking back!"
They were just nips, perhaps five or six, but it didn't matter. Regina wouldn't allow her to do that to herself, and words meant nothing in comparison to the haze of unstoppable panic and desperation that had clouded Emma's mind, and in the end, Regina had ended up doing the only thing she knew how to do.
She dropped to her knees before her.
"What—what the hell are you doing?" Emma asked her, actually looking frightened for a moment at the possibility of Regina pleading with her on her knees. But that wasn't what this was, nor was it something she would ever do. Regina gave and she took, but she never begged.
"The name of Henry's biological grandmother."
"What?"
Regina looked up at her pointedly, still unmoving from her knees with her hands clasped behind her back. And then Emma's eyes widened as she understood; their safe word, a name that neither of them would ever utter in bed otherwise. They had never had one before, and even suggesting that they should was a silent allowance for extremes, should Emma need to go to them to achieve what she needed. Regina was basically giving her permission to destroy her, should she be able to handle it.
"You believe your life is not yours," Regina told her softly, her gaze meeting the floor as she slipped into a role that, outside of Emma's last birthday, she had never truly had. They played at it, but it was never real. And for this to sate Emma's desperation, Regina knew it had to be real. "So I offer you mine, Madame Swan."
Emma's eyes darkened, her expression etched into something undeniably feral, and the nips were dropped to the floor, instantly forgotten as she began to grasp for a sense of sanity that only Regina had ever been able to allot her.
[x]
"You really need to relax; it's over now, Regina."
"Don't tell me I need to relax," Regina snapped, still feeling queasy and anxious from their flight out of Logan. She had never been on a plane before, and now she was certain that she never wanted to again. "People are not meant to fly; it's unnatural."
Emma snorted. "Says the woman who can teleport."
Regina shot her a dark look, but said nothing; she was still trying to get her stomach under control anyhow. Why on earth anyone would chose to continuously subject themselves to something so utterly sickening, she would never understand. Glancing at the map in her hand, she looked up at an apartment building before them. "This one," she told her, nodding towards the structure. "The tracker hasn't moved, so Baelfire must still be inside."
Emma inhaled a deep breath, her eyes searching each of the windows for a moment. They then caught Regina's, her gaze much too invasive for it to be born from something casual. "You ready?" she asked her, however not sounding very ready herself. Raising an eyebrow, Regina looked at her questioningly.
"What's wrong, dear?"
"Nothing. I just…" Emma scrunched up her face for a moment before glancing at her again. She fidgeted before taking another hesitant breath. Something was obviously on her mind and she was struggling with revealing it. Finally though, Emma asked, "What if the dude doesn't even wanna come back?"
"His presence ensures that we can get back to our son," Regina reminded her firmly, maternal instincts overriding all else. Henry had and would always come first. "He will have no other choice."
"Right," Emma agreed, yet didn't sound particularly thrilled with the possibility of doing this by force. Regina didn't really understand why, as the woman used to be a bounty hunter, until Emma barreled through her previous hesitation and requested, "Don't—just don't kill him or anything, okay? Pretty sure this deal with Gold warrants his son being brought back alive."
Emma's tone was light, like it was some kind of trivial reminder, and how easily the words came to her made Regina want to set something on fire.
The brunette stared at her, a sickness beginning to creep into her stomach that no longer had anything to do with the plane ride. Emma's assumption made Regina feel dirty, and the way the woman was looking at her furthered the feeling of worthlessness. It began to enrage her. "Is that what you think of me, then?" she heatedly demanded. "That I'm no more than some murderous psychopath with absolutely no capability for sense?"
Emma appeared torn between snapping at her in defense, and actually looking kind of guilty from the wounded, angry look that was now plastered across the Regina's face. She struggled with her words, but Regina wouldn't allow her to get them out anyhow. "I—"
"You believe I killed for pleasure, don't you?"
Regina had crossed the space between them, her face dangerously close to Emma's as she demanded answers. It finally kicked Emma's defense mechanism into full throttle, and she countered with an angry, "Well you obviously didn't hate it enough to stop, did you?"
Regina's open palm connected with Emma's cheek, and the blonde stepped back and hissed in pain as she grasped for her stinging flesh, her eyes flashing furiously. But it didn't compare to the look on Regina's face, and her tone was dangerously low as she reminded her, "You know nothing about my past, Miss Swan. So before you thoughtlessly spew your ignorant assumptions, you should perhaps take it upon yourself to ask about what happened back then. Until then, your opinions on the subject are utterly inconsequential, is that clear? Do not speak of it again."
Emma's eyes darkened as she backed away from her, needing to establish space between them before she did something foolish like retaliate in public. "Whatever," she growled in response. "It isn't like I'm ever gonna want to know anyway, so fuck it."
"Of course you don't, dear," Regina snorted disdainfully, her whole body still tense with anger as Emma tried to walk away from her. "Because then how on earth would you continue to convince yourself of this black and white villain you've so readily painted me as?"
That made Emma stop.
Whipping around, offense colored Emma's face as she abandoned all dignity and shouted, "In case you've fucking forgotten, it was me who told you that the goddamn world wasn't black and white, and neither were you. So why don't you just fuck off with your self-pitying bullshit, Regina, because I know who you are, and you are far from simple in any sense of the word."
The shouting caused quite a few of the pedestrians' heads to turn, and Regina's teeth clenched as she stalked up to her, grabbing hold of the woman's upper arm before dragging her into the entranceway off Baelfire's apartment building. "I will not allow you to cause a scene over this; if you wish to scream at me like some irate child, at least have some common decency about it!"
"Fuck you," Emma spat, ripping her arm from Regina's grasp. Thankfully, there was no one else in the entranceway, so Emma's adolescent retort went unnoticed by anyone other than the woman it was intended for.
"Charming, dear," Regina drawled furiously, her tone condescending and cruel. "And since you so thoughtfully brought up that conversation, need I remind you that it was you who said that you accepted everything that I was, and yet, funny enough, that turned out to be just as much of a lie as the day you told me you loved me."
It was perhaps that, more than anything else, that had hurt Regina the most. That conversation had completed her, made her feel accepted and loved, for the first time in many years. And in the end, it turned out to be complete shit. That realization had utterly destroyed her, and Regina blamed Emma for ever giving her hope for something that she had accepted many years ago she would never have.
"I do love you, you fucking idiot!" Emma exclaimed, looking at her incredulously as she threw out her hands in a frustrated, hapless gesture. She clearly had no idea what to do anymore. She looked as though she didn't even understand how they had even gotten here, and Regina felt the same. But it had always been like this with them, hadn't it? Nothing was good between them for long.
"Love encompasses all things, Emma," Regina angrily reminded her, feeling her heart weigh heavy in her chest at the sorrow her words held. "You may be bound to me, but you do not love every part of me; you have made that abundantly clear over the past few months."
"You don't fucking get it, do you? I do—shit," Emma swore, turning around to hit the wall with an open palm, trying to let out her frustration and anger over this entire situation. "Fuck this, Regina! We don't have time to—we have the rest of our goddamn lives to fight with each other, okay? We can't do this now! So just shut up!"
Normally, Regina would be furious with being told to quiet herself, but Emma had cut herself off mid-sentence, and it was that which kept Regina's attention. "Don't you dare tell me that you do," she demanded softly, the words breaking in her throat. "Don't you dare give me any sense of hope again. You do nothing else but destroy it shortly afterwards."
"I said shut up!" Emma shouted at her, her own words breaking from frustration and the sadness that had suddenly erupted across her expression. "If you don't want me to assume how you feel, then don't fucking assume you know how I do, alright?!"
Regina pursed her lips into a tight line as she tried to get her emotions under control, and said nothing. Emma was right; they really couldn't do this now. Still, it was so hard to contain everything she was feeling once it was let out, and she had to turn her gaze from Emma to try to do so, because just looking at her ignited an uncontrollable emotion that she only wished she knew how to handle.
"Damnit," Emma swore under her breath before practically punching the buzzer for Baelfire's apartment. In a moment a man's voice floated through the intercom.
"Yeah?"
"Delivery from UPS," Emma said, her voice still having a bite to it despite her intentions to subdue it. A few seconds passed, then the buzzer for the front door echoed through the entranceway.
"Oh, right. Sure, come on up."
[x]
Every time they found themselves in this position, Emma wished that she did this to punish Regina. She wished that her anger at the woman outweighed her anger at herself, and every snap of the belt, every bite to the skin, was born from hatred instead of self-loathing.
But it wasn't.
They were a fucking mess, the two of them. They always had been. They found their pleasure from self-inflicted punishment masked by an illusion of power. Regina gave her the control, and Emma exerted it without a second thought. Regina needed the physical pain of their encounters, but it was Emma who needed the emotional; for every time the woman she loved cried out, every time angry bruises and red lashes were left across Regina's skin, it tore straight into Emma's soul and ate her from the inside out.
And yet she got off on the feeling. They both did.
They were fucked, truly, and they both should have been in therapy years ago for this psychological goldmine. Still, there was a sense of comfort in their shared need for self-destruction that Emma couldn't ignore. She felt drawn to it in a way she couldn't quite understand, and it was a solution to the madness that overrode all else. Maybe she was addicted to alcohol, but this would always be her true vice.
"Do not come until I tell you to," Emma hissed in Regina's ear, holding the gag that was once in Regina's mouth fiercely around her neck, keeping her captive but still allowing the woman to breathe. The brunette was still tied to the rod in the closet, her wide stance allowing Emma's fingers to barrel into her from behind. "Do you understand me? Because if you disobey me, I promise you I'll make you wish that you hadn't."
Regina nodded frantically through shuddered gasps, but it wasn't good enough. Taking her hand away from the gag, Emma's hand snaked around the brunette's torso to violently twist one of her nipples. Regina's knees buckled and she fell against her, crying out in pain as Emma snapped, "Answer me when I speak to you!"
"Yes, yes!" Regina exclaimed through labored breaths, the words still laced with pain as Emma continued to viciously twist and pull. "I understand!" Emma released her hold on her then and Regina choked back a whimper as she tried to right herself again, but it wasn't quick enough as Emma grabbed hold of the gag once more, pulling Regina into the position she desired her.
The woman was nearly there already, the lashing she had gotten earlier having turned her on to the point that the insides of her thighs were drenched in sticky arousal. It was fucking mouthwatering, but more than that, it was distracting. And Emma knew that was the point to all this; to distract her enough to not fall apart, and to allow her to get out her crippling emotions in what was probably not the healthiest manner, but by far the most preferred one. Anger and helplessness had rotted her insides, and the desperation to not feel like a pawn in destiny's sick game had consumed Emma whole as she began to seek power over the only person who apparently gave a shit enough to realize how badly she had needed it.
Sometimes she hated Regina for knowing her so well, but in this moment, Emma could have dropped to her knees and profusely thanked the woman for being so perfect in her complete fucking disaster. It was what she needed. She was what she needed.
Emma's fingers had snaked around Regina's hips to find their home against her clit, the pressure she put on it enough to make Regina tremble as she desperately tried to hold herself back. Her breathing was coming out in tight bursts, her moans beginning to resemble whines as the pressure in her abdomen started to become unbearable. Emma watched her in acute fascination, observing Regina emit every ounce of self-control she had inside of her as she sought to adhere to Emma's demands. But the longer it went on, the more she began to fall apart.
Regina was shaking now, her entire body trembling within Emma's firm hold as she struggled to keep her knees locked and herself standing. The noises she was making barely even sounded human, and Regina choked back a sob as desperation for release overtook her. "Please," she begged, voice tight as a singular tear slipped down her cheek. "Please!"
"You could always make it stop, you know," Emma breathed into her ear, testing her despite it being terribly cruel to do at this point. But some part of her needed to know how far Regina was willing to go for her, what she was willing to sacrifice for her. Was she really doing this for her, or did Regina need this because she too ended up being fucked sideways from Emma's past blowing a hole into their little dysfunctional family? She hadn't exactly hidden how upset she was over the revelation. "You know the word, Regina, just say it…"
But despite the overwhelming feeling, the pleasure bordering on agony, Regina didn't budge. "No," she choked out before trying to bite back a scream of frustration, her body thrashing against her bounds as she used everything within herself to keep holding on.
Emma had to wrap her entire arm around Regina to keep her from moving, however her hold was not as firm as she would have liked due to the brunette's entire body being sheened in a light sweat from the control she was exerting. Regardless, it kept Regina still enough to continue her assault on her clitoris without her jerking away, and Regina was practically sobbing in desperation at this point, her painful pleas cutting through Emma's soul as she waited for Regina to just give in and prove her right.
It never came though, and Emma began to fear that Regina was going to hurt herself if she kept this up much longer. The woman barely had control over her own body anymore, all of it being focused on one singular thing to even acknowledge how much strain her muscles were under. It was fucking awe-inspiring, if Emma was to be honest. It was fucked up and practically torture, but Regina endured it for her, and that spoke volumes louder than any of her words ever could.
"Come for me, Regina," Emma finally breathed into her ear, pressing her fingers as firm as she could against the woman's sex as she rewarded Regina's diligence with the sweet promise of release. "Come all over me; I wanna feel how fucked I got you. Do it!"
And then Regina fucking erupted.
The force of her orgasm was violent and intense, and all of that pressure being released at once seemed to kick her body into some kind of desperate need to get it all out, because fluid gushed from between her thighs as she screamed, soaking Emma's legs and part of her pelvis as Regina collapsed into her.
"Oh, holy sh—!" Emma exclaimed, her eyes nearly bugging out of her skull from the unexpected response. Her words cut off though as Regina's entire body weight fell against her, and Emma had to struggle to keep the woman upright so she didn't pull anything from the momentum going against her restraints.
Regina was trembling and crying, the aftershocks of her orgasm coursing through her as her frail mental state from the experience utterly destroyed her. Emma held her close, cradling her head in one hand as her other worked on getting Regina's bindings undone. "Shhh," she hushed, her own voice broken with emotion at the intense show of submission and loyalty Regina had given her. It was fucking amazing and Emma wished she knew how to express how it made her feel, but all she could do was try to comfort her. "Shh, it's okay. You did good, you did so fucking good…"
Emma brought Regina carefully down to the floor, cradling the woman as she continued to shake and sob in her arms. "I'm gonna take care of you now, okay?" Emma promised her softly, words tickling Regina's skin as fingers weaved tightly in raven locks. "You did so fucking well, Regina, and I promise you I'm gonna make sure you know how much I appreciate that…"
Because she did. Jesus, she did. That was fucking incredible.
"Anything," Regina choked out against her neck, the word barely even audible from how hoarse her voice had gotten. Tears wet Emma's bare skin, and she held onto the brunette a little tighter as Regina struggled to elaborate through her post-orgasmic haze. "Anything… for you. A-Always." She coughed to try to clear her throat, and she whimpered from how painfully raw it was. "Fucking under—understand that, Emma. Please."
Emotion welled up in Emma's throat, tightening it and causing her vision to blur as she felt the truth in the statement. It was intense and it was honest, and Emma wished she had realized just how much Regina was willing to sacrifice for her happiness before now, despite how much harder it really made everything between them. "I know, baby," she assured her, because if nothing else, tonight Regina had sought to prove it and had succeeded with flying colors. In that moment, nothing else mattered. "I fucking promise you I know that now."
A weak sounding scoff was muffled against her skin before Regina demanded in a broken voice, "Don't… call me that."
Emma laughed, not really knowing what else to do. Everything she felt was so damn overwhelming, and Regina's words reminded her of a time when they were happy. She wanted to keep that – God, did she want to keep that – but the rest of the world was such utter shit, and no matter how much Emma tried to immerse herself in the good, it seemed the bad always had a knack of showing up at just the wrong time.
[x]
"Don't you fucking touch me!" Emma exclaimed fiercely as she shoved Neal, fucking Baelfire, away from her, his wounded face blurring before her as angry tears stung the back of her eyes. She didn't care how he felt about having a son; it never warranted his touch. "You fucking sent me to prison, you soulless bastard; I had our child in jail, and you actually think I want you near me?!"
"You were—fuck, Emma, you were the one that knocked on my door, you know—" Neal tried to defend, looking completely overwhelmed by how his day had exploded in the span of five seconds. The emotions in the air were conflicting and intense, but Emma would barely let him get a word in edge-wise, feeling as though she was trapped in her worst goddamn nightmare as her anger and sorrow tore through her heart and polluted her veins.
"Because your freaking father—Jesus, did you know?" Emma demanded, the words sounding hoarse and raw as she struggled to keep anger as her dominant emotion. "Did you fucking—was this all some goddamn homesick bullshit, and when you got tired of reminiscing you just, what, threw me away? Jesus, I can't—" A roar of helpless frustration tore from her lips and Emma's hand collided with the floor lamp, causing the bulb to shatter as it made impact with the floor.
"Emma!" Regina called out, her voice sounding so goddamn worried about her and her pathetic mental state, despite how furious she had looked before that this had brought them to the door of their son's father. She had accosted Emma like she could have actually fucking known that they were one in the same, and then the sorceresses thoughtlessly spewed out the word 'father' in her anger that, Jesus, screwed everything up just a little bit more.
Emma couldn't handle this. She just couldn't.
Arms were wrapped around her and Emma lashed out, but Regina kept her grip firm. "Relax," she encouraged her, even though it was the most hypocritical thing the woman had ever uttered to her. Still, Regina knew what anger and helplessness brought her, and her concern was written all over her face as she tried unsuccessfully to subdue the woman's consuming emotions. "Breathe, Emma; please, just take a second and breathe, alright? I promise you, he's not near worth this."
But it didn't matter what Neal was or wasn't worth, because it was fucking her sideways regardless. Emma had thought she'd never see this man again in her life, and yet it turned out that he was from the same world she was, and everything, everything just seemed like one big 'screw you' from destiny as it laughed at her from afar.
"I thought it was the right thing to do!" Neal pleaded with her, guilt and shame written plainly across his face as he confronted something that, he too, believed he would never have to deal with. "Emma, please, you have to understand—"
"I fucking understand perfectly!" Emma shouted at him, starting to feel lightheaded as Regina began to instinctively syphon magic from her, knowing that it was the only way to hold the blonde back since strength wasn't exactly on her side.
It was like a vice, containing her when all Emma wanted to do was lash out at the world, and it was probably the most suffocating thing she ever felt. And god, Emma hated it, despite knowing that she really needed to be stopped because she was this fucking close to beating the man within an inch of his life. Emma had known betrayal; she had felt it from Regina months before, but to have this on top of that? It overwhelmed her, unable to allow her to see sense as she needed to just make it stop.
Fuck her. Fuck him. Fuck everything.
"You couldn't deal with being a father, so you fucked off and left me to—"
"I didn't know!" Neal shouted, looking at her as though his entire world was crumbling apart as well, and Jesus, he had no goddamn right. "Jesus, Emma, do you think I really would have done to that you if I had known? You didn't tell me!"
"You shouldn't have fucking done it to me anyway!" Emma screamed, barely able to even see him anymore because of the tears that assaulted her vision. "I loved you, you worthless piece of shit; and yet you treated me like I was—!"
But Neal kept defending himself, like it even mattered in the end. "August told me that you had a destiny!"
"Fuck my destiny! Fuck it and fuck you!"
Emma was crying now, furious tears staining her cheeks as Regina held her. She hated everything about her life; it was just one shit show after another and fuck, she was so goddam sick of it all. Neal's emotions were starting to get the best of him as well, and he looked like he was trying to hold himself together as he struggled to come up with words to express how he felt.
"How could you—shit, Emma, I mean… I get what I did was fucked, okay? And you have no idea how much I've regretted that every day of my goddamn life, but you—how could you not even bother to tell me that I had a son? Don't you think that I had a right to know; that he had a right to know?"
Emma felt like something inside of her snapped at the blame he dared put on her, but it was Regina who spoke.
"He is not your son," Regina growled, the words angry and cruel. "You are nothing to that child, nor will you ever be. He is irrelevant to the conversation at hand, so I suggest you keep your tiny little brain locked onto something you actually have a say in."
"I'm sorry, but who the fuck are you again?" Neal bit back, furious that some random stranger had just put him in a place he didn't believe he belonged in.
"She's his mother, you idiot!" Emma exclaimed, wishing she could revel in the look of horror that flashed across his face. "What, did you think they'd let me keep my baby while I was in jail? He got thrown into the system thanks to you, and fucking thank god Regina adopted him because if she hadn't—if he… fuck, if Henry ended up being a foster kid for the rest of his life, do you even understand—"
But the words choked up in her throat, her own past experiences beginning to haunt her once more at the very worst of times. Emma felt like she was falling, and it didn't matter how guilty Neal looked because he knew – he fucking knew what had happened to her in there – since everything was too screwed up to even process properly in the first place. This wasn't how this was supposed to go. This wasn't supposed to happen this way, and all Emma could think of doing was drowning in the escape that she had recently favored.
She needed to drink until she couldn't think, couldn't move, couldn't breathe.
"I'm sorry," Neal said finally, his words heavy with despair as he watched the woman he once loved fall completely apart. But Emma barely even registered it, her mind locked on to only one thing now.
"Let me go," Emma demanded, desperately struggling against the brunette's hold. She needed to run. She needed to breathe. She needed to drink. "Goddamnit, Regina, fucking let me go!"
The hold was broken immediately and Emma stumbled away from her, away from him, away from this as she barreled out of his apartment and down the stairs, unable to deal with her emotions any longer.
She wanted them gone, needed to feel blissful fucking nothingness, and screw it, screw sobriety, and screw promises, because she was going to see to it that she did even if it was the last goddamn thing she ever did.
[x]
Regina hissed as the ointment came into contact with her reddened and raw backside, and Emma bit down on her bottom lip as she began to smother it across her skin. "Sorry," she whispered to the woman lain out on her stomach before her, no longer wishing to cause her anymore pain. But this had to be done, and they both knew it. As it was already, Emma was actually worried that she might scar; the belt had broken Regina's skin quite a few times, and because of the haze of power she was in before, she hadn't noticed until now.
"It's quite alight, dear," Regina assured her softly, her voice still sounding rather hoarse and frail. She was exhausted, and Emma was surprised she hadn't passed out yet. If it was her, she would have slept for a week straight after an ordeal like that.
Still, Emma didn't really think it was alright, and her silence more than stated that. She felt like she had gone too far in her desperation to just… feel like something other than a chess piece being moved around the board for other people's amusement.
Regina turned her head to the side to look at her, and seeing the guilt on her face, she firmly reminded her of their arrangement. "Emma, if I hadn't wanted this, I would have never allowed you to do it."
"I know," Emma whispered, because she did. Still, Regina's body looked horrific and it was her fault. The symbolism of Regina's sacrifice wasn't lost on her – as, God, it was the only thing she could think about after what Regina had allowed her to do – but now that the dust had settled and reality had set in, it only made Emma feel like shit.
Here Regina was, fucking putting Emma before everything and everyone, even herself, and all Emma could ever be consumed with was her own bullshit problems to even see that, despite everything that had happened between them, she had devotion that most people could only dream of.
What the fuck was wrong with her, that she couldn't even take a second out of her life to appreciate that? It wasn't even like she deserved it, and yet all Emma could do was shit on it over and over again.
"Emma," Regina strongly continued, watching the emotions play out across the blonde's face and knowing what they meant. "If you belittle the most intense orgasm I've ever had in my life with your needless guilt, so help me."
"I'm—I'm not," Emma stumbled, tearing her eyes away from Regina's prying gaze in the hopes that the woman didn't realize that they were beginning to mist over. She swallowed hard, squeezing more ointment into her hand before lathering it on the affected skin once more.
Regina watched her out of her peripheral as silence fell between them. "Tell me what you're thinking, love," she requested softly after a long moment, and Emma's words came without thought, finding herself too emotionally exhausted to hide anything any longer, and the syllables ended up catching in her throat from the emotion they caused her.
"I fucking hate myself for not appreciating you."
Regina froze for a second before immediately turning towards her in surprise, the quick movement making her hiss out in pain. But Regina seemed to barely register it for more than a moment, because she then situated herself half up on her side so she didn't put any weight on her wounded area, taking one of Emma's hands into her own.
A tear fell from the blonde's eye before she turned away from her, unable to show her how terrible everything made her feel, and Regina sucked in a sharp breath at the sight. "Emma, this… it's been an emotional day," she reminded her softly. "You're still feeling that, but you shouldn't—please don't let it consume you by layering more on top of it. You don't need that right now."
Emma wouldn't listen to her though, the thought already having planted itself firmly in the darkest corner of her mind. "It's such bullshit, you know?" she sniffled, hating how pathetic she had become because of the hands life kept dealing her. She was supposed to be stronger than this. "I can't get over it, and I want to. I… God, I hate feeling like this, Regina, because all you've fucking done lately is help me regardless of how much of a cunt I've been, and instead of appreciating you for who you are, I can't help but still hate you for who you were. And I just—fuck, I just want it to stop."
Regina's face etched in emotion, but when she opened her mouth to speak, Emma wouldn't let her. "And now there's fucking Neal," she choked out, her words mixing with the force of her tears as they intensified beyond her control. "And everything's so screwed up, and I don't know how to handle that when I can't even handle you, and Jesus, I don't know what else to do but beg you to fix it like some pathetic child, and that's so fucked because I don't deserve anything that you could ever—"
"Emma," Regina pleaded, her own voice choking up as she cupped Emma's damp cheek with her palm. "Please, stop. We have the rest of our lives to talk about us, but for now, you need to calm down. You can't handle this level of emotional turmoil, and you're just making it worse for yourself. Please," she breathed, leaning her forehead against the other woman's as she cradled the back of her neck protectively, "Please, just stay here with me right now, in this moment. Nothing else exists, do you hear me?"
Emma choked back a sob and nodded, trying to do as Regina requested because God, she was right, she couldn't handle this. This day had been one massive shit show after another, and she felt like she was suffocating beneath the weight of it.
A thumb grazed her bottom lip softly, and Emma pulled back a little to look at the woman before her. "I love you," Regina whispered, keeping her in a moment that Emma wished she permanently resided in, because this, this was the only goddamn thing that was good in her life. If all the other factors disappeared, Regina just loving her with the intensity that she did would be nothing short of a perfect life.
Emma swallowed hard before reaching up and brushing the hair from Regina's eyes, her fingertips trailing down the side of the woman's face as she became mesmerized by a fleeting desire that they both knew could not last. "I love you too," Emma breathed in return, a small, sad smile gracing her lips before she leaned in, allowing herself to forget that the rest of her crappy life even existed, even if it was just for a moment.
Because no matter what else happened, no matter what had transpired between them, Emma knew that she could always count on Regina to mend things after they had shattered. And that, she knew, was more than she could ever ask for, and far more than she ever really deserved.
TBC…