I feel self-conscious as I sink into the couch and close my eyes. From the red light on the camera, I know that it's still running and Peeta's watching me from the bedroom. Dr Aurelius begins to speak, asking me to breathe in, listen to my breath, breathe out, and again, and again. We do this many times until I feel like I'm so lightheaded with all this air that I'm going to pass out.
Then it's as if his voice begins to fade away as he counts down. I don't even hear the click of his fingers and I'm out like a light.
When I come to, I'm lying on a sandy beach. At first I think I'm back in the second arena, but this feels different. The air is not humid and when I sit up and look around, I notice that the shore spans from each side of me to the very edges of the horizon. Ahead, the ocean goes as far as I can see. Behind me, there's scrub that leads into a wooded forest of pine trees. The sun is hot, but it doesn't burn. It hurts my eyes though, causing white spots in my vision. I put my hands up to shade myself and look away and at the same time, to my left, I suddenly feel a presence. And it's not just the presence, it's the change in the space next to me, which I'm quite sure was empty and is now occupied by a figure in white.
I frown, hardly recognising him. His hair glows copper red in the sunlight and I can see the familiar freckles that splatter across his fair skin. His dark eyes are framed with orange lashes and the recognition finally clicks in my mind. It's Darius. He's back in his white Peacekeeper uniform, which dazzles my eyes in the bright sunlight. Darius laughs when he sees me. To my surprise, he begins to speak. "Miss me much?"
Despite myself and this strange situation, which I'm sure isn't real at all, the corners of my lips turn up in a smile and I push him to the side. "You wish!"
My eyes have gotten used to the bright sunlight now as Darius chuckles. But his expression changes and his tone is sombre when he speaks. "There's not much time, so I've only come back to say this to you, Katniss. You can't blame yourself for the actions of others. They took advantage of all of us. When I put myself between Thread and Gale, I knew what I was doing, and I don't regret it one bit. It was all for you, Katniss."
I frown, confused, as Darius lifts his hand to caress my cheek. "All for you..."
I'm too taken aback and lost in thought to shy away as he softly kisses me. His lips are soft and dry and I can smell his scent on them, like a combination of almond and honey. He pulls away, speaking softly. "I've been wanting to do that for a long, long time."
The next moment, he's gone.
What's just happened?
"Darius?" I call, looking around. I stand up to go and look for him, but I don't even know where to start. I'm all alone on this beach. "Darius!"
"Katniss," I hear a voice behind me. I whirl around, facing the woods. It's him, my first and only Capitol friend.
I can't believe my eyes. "Cinna!"
I rush forward, throwing my arms around him. I feel his arms around me, his hands smoothing across my back. When we pull away, he's smiling gently at me. "I knew I could bet on you, Katniss. You've made me proud."
I'm wiping a tear away from my eye. In the sunlight, I can see the gold glinting on his eyelids. I smile softly and my voice breaks. "I couldn't have done it without you. Even after they took you away..."
Cinna shakes his head. "Don't say it. I knew what I was getting myself into. But it was all for the good, my mockingjay. You stayed strong and you flew above all of us."
I'm leaning on him and I give him another hug, squeezing him in my arms. He whispers in my ear. "You did it, but you can't give up, Katniss. Keep strong. My bets are still on you."
And with that, he's vanished from my arms and I've collapsed on to the sand on my hands and knees. There is a whiff of that emptiness again, but I shake my head, willing it to go away. Not here, not now; not when I've come so far.
When I stand up, I take a deep breath and exhale as slowly and calmly as I can.
I guess this is goodbye to all of them. I understand now that I can't keep carrying this guilt with me. Their deaths weren't a result of my actions alone. It made up the bigger picture. They knew the consequences of their actions, but made the decision to sacrifice themselves to make this world a better place. It's for them that I have to keep fighting. I at least owe them that much.
I wander into the woods. It's cool and damp in the shade of the trees. I hear the sound of waves in the distance. In the woods, the sounds of bird calls and wood creatures surround me. The rustle of leaves and crackle of branches. This is my kind of place.
My feet wander. As I explore, I begin to see shadows of people. At first, I'm not sure if I'm seeing correctly, but the outline of the shadows become clearer, darker. Some shadows wave their hand at me, as if in goodbye. I hesitate and then lift my hand and wave back. Then the shadow disappears.
"Hey," a familiar, smooth voice behind me says. It's the same charming voice that had offered me a sugar cube.
Finnick sits at the base of a tall tree, still dressed in his army fatigues. His honey blonde hair is a mess, but he's still as handsome as he was. I hesitate for a moment, the guilt overwhelming me. He'd only been back with Annie for a short while before he died.
I will my legs to move and I walk up and collapse on to the ground next to him. "Hey, yourself."
There's a pause as Finnick takes the time to exhale slowly, as if savouring the scent of sea and the trees around us. Finally, he speaks.
"Look, don't beat yourself up, Katniss. We all thought we were just going to film a propos down a dead street. Nobody knew about those extra pods. Besides, we all knew what we were getting into when we followed you." He speaks quietly, but there is an edge in his voice. It's a hint of blame, of resentment, and I can't help but feel overwhelmed by guilt and regret.
He continues. "Annie's pregnant. If only I could have the chance to be there for her and our baby."
My heart falls so quickly it sickens me. I want to reach out to him, but I feel like it wouldn't be appropriate. Finnick takes a stick and starts drawing swirls in the dirt, as if trying to find something to occupy his hands. I realise that they're not swirls, but knots.
"I don't want to leave things like this. So please, can you tell her that I love her? And that... that she'll be alright." Finnick says quietly.
"I will."
"And Peeta... he's okay?"
"He's better than he was."
Finnick nods. "Good. I was worried. You two need each other. You give people hope. Together, you'll make it. You'll make the country a better place for the baby. Promise me you'll do it, won't you?"
His blue eyes penetrate mine.
"I promise."
He lifts the corners of his mouth in a smile and his blue eyes crinkle in the corners. He drops the stick and touches my shoulder momentarily. There's only silence as I watch him fade away.
It returns, the empty feeling of despair, depression, sadness, loneliness. The black, disgusting gunk has settled back in my stomach and I want to stick my fingers down my throat and throw it up. I want to clean my insides dry. I want to take something sharp and scrape the dirt off my hands, my skin, and cut a hole deep into me to let this thing out. Maybe then I wouldn't be so terribly disgusted with myself, with the past.
If only I'd made sure that Finnick hadn't stayed back. If I'd made sure that he kept up with the rest of us, he'd still be here. He would still be able to see his baby grow.
But now I have to keep my promise. I have to do my best for this campaign, and change this world so that his baby and all the district children can live in a better place. I just need to do that.
I feel weak at the knees and lean on the tree for support as I stand up. I continue on into the woods. I come across more of these shadows. Some wave, some simply stand and watch me as I wander further in, the leaves crunching beneath my feet. I swear, I can make out the shape of Madge, the mayor's daughter who I'd become close friends with after I'd come back from the first arena. The girl who'd given me the mockingjay pin that had actually belonged to her aunt, a fallen Tribute. The same girl who showed up in the snow at our house to give Gale the morphling.
The shadow becomes clearer, more opaque, and I recognise her features. She smiles at me, but doesn't say a word. It makes me sad that she hasn't come forth to speak, but I wave to her and say, "I still have the mockingjay pin. It means so much, you know that. Not just for me but for everybody."
She smiles again, tilting her head, and then fades away.
I think I also see Peeta's father, his wiry frame leaning against a tall tree. When I approach it, I just know it's him, the man who gave me the cookies and would always trade for my squirrels. "Peeta's a good person. I love him, I really do." I say. The shadow nods and it, too, disappears with the rest of them.
Then I hear the crunch of leaves and twigs to my left and I turn in the direction of the sound. A few metres away, a familiar, large figure appears from behind a tree. I recognise the built, tall frame immediately.
"Boggs!" I shout, running up to him.
Boggs chuckles. It's like he's really standing in front of me. I straighten my stance and raise my fingers straight to my forehead in a military salute.
"At ease, Soldier Everdeen." He punches my shoulder playfully before his expression changes. He takes a breath, frowning at me. "Why'd you do it, Katniss?"
I frown. "Tell me you didn't know about the parachute bombs. Please."
Silence.
I shake my head. Despite my hatred and disgust for Snow, I can't help but feel that what Snow said was true. "I couldn't do it. Coin would have taken me out down the track anyway. Only one can survive."
"This isn't the Games, Katniss. From now on, you need to think carefully of the consequences your decisions will have, not only on yourself but others."
I nod.
"There's still a way to go, Katniss, and people will try to play you. And if it doesn't go their way, they'll try to kill you. But remember, just with the nightlock, you can choose to play on your own terms."
"And Peeta? I don't understand why you told me to kill him. You know I couldn't."
"I was trying to save you. He was bent on killing you."
"He's okay now. He'll be okay."
"You really believe so?"
I nod. "I do."
Boggs is silent for a moment, taking in the expression on my face, contemplating my answer. "I'll take your word for it."
He begins to move away. I want to call after him and hold him back, but something stops me, telling me to let him go.
I continue to explore the woods. The shadows appear less and less. I wonder how long I'll be here, and who else is here as I head back to the beach, towards a fallen log lying in the shade at the edge of the wood. It's damp and covered in moss. As I sit, I see a shape form in the corner of my eye. I recognise that duck-tailed shirt at the back, the long blonde hair and those blue eyes. And suddenly I'm blubbering like a baby and I've got Prim in my arms, squeezing her so tight that I don't want to let go. I want to take her back with me, to live the life that she deserves.
"It's okay, Kat," she says, because she knows that I can't.
"Why did you go, Prim?!" I demand. I keep her close against me. "Why?!"
"It's okay, now. You can't change the past." Prim replies. She snuggles up to me and I place my arm around her shoulder, stroking her long, blonde hair. "Besides, it's nice living with Pa."
"Pa… he's with you?" I ask. Prim nods.
"Yes. He's fine, he's happy. We both are."
I never thought about there being any sort of life after you die, whether you saw your loved ones again, or whether you just didn't see anything at all. I thought that perhaps you would just cease being and the world would go on as it always did, just as it had before you were born.
Prim continues. "Pa's sorry he couldn't come today. He wasn't allowed, but he's asked me to tell you this. Peeta's a good person. You have his blessing. Peeta will take care of you and protect you. Trust in him, Katniss, and he'll come back to you."
"What about you, Prim? What are you going to do?" I ask.
Prim smiles sadly. "I miss you, of course. But I'll wait. It's okay. I'm happy now, waiting here for you and Ma. We both are."
I nod. I don't feel like there's much time left, so I put my arms around her again and hug her tightly against me. "I love you, little duck. I miss you, and I'm sorry."
"I miss you too, Kat." She pulls away. "I never said thank you that day. I never did. I love you."
And with that, she's gone and my hands are empty.
The woods are silent. Prim's voice, her warmth and presence lingers with me as I stand up and head back towards the beach. I find the spot where I initially woke up next to Darius and lie down on the sand, facing up towards the sky. It's still blue and bright, an infinite expanse of cloudless space that stretches up and up. The ocean continues to lap and foam at the shore.
They all knew what they were doing. I need to respect that and keep fighting. I must stay strong. I must stay with Peeta. And I need to do what I can to make this world a better place.
Haymitch was right. The war was won, but the game isn't over, not by a long shot. I'm sorry, Prim, I say to myself. You'll need to wait a lot longer before I can join you and Pa. I have to keep my promise to you and Finnick. People are relying on me.
Time passes, I'm not sure how long, but it stretches out. It could be minutes or hours. Eventually, the sun begins to set. It slowly sinks down in to the horizon, painting the sky a soft burnt orange colour. And there is only one thing that I feel at that moment.
Peace.
.
The first thing I'm aware of as I open my eyes is the complete and utter silence that surrounds me. I sit up, glancing at the camera. The red light is still on. I wonder what I've said and done, what Dr Aurelius has asked me, and what Peeta is thinking about all of this.
Dr Aurelius still sits in his chair next to me, writing notes. When he's done, he looks up at me through his thick glasses, an expectant expression on his fac.e
"So, Katniss, tell me the first word that comes to your mind: how do you feel?"
"Peaceful," I reply.
Dr Aurelius nods, looking satisfied with my answer. He notes this down and continues. "Now, during your experience, you met with several people close to you or with whom you've shared a significant experience. What did they say?"
The conversations flit back in to my mind. "They told me that... I can't blame myself for what's happened. I can't beat myself up for the deaths of others. And that I needed to stay strong and move on."
Dr Aurelius nods and writes this down. "Good, good. Wonderful. And what was your reaction to those words?"
I reflect for a moment. "I suppose that's true. For those who were in the rebellion, they knew what they were doing. But I can't say the same for Prim. Or Madge, or Peeta's family. All those who died in district twelve. All the innocent civilians who died in the Capitol. The children behind the gate. I guess I have to stay strong for them, but the guilt is still there. I don't think I can ever rid myself of that. I just have to keep fighting."
Dr Aurelius looks perplexed at my response and his brow creases as he writes a whole page of notes.
"There's a few more things I'd like to research before we have our next session, Katniss. I'll arrange a time with Effie during the course of filming. Is that okay?"
"That's fine, doctor." I respond.
Am I a tougher nut to crack than Peeta? Is that it? Peeta, who had been hijacked and tortured to the point that he was almost a completely different person? Do my scars run deeper than that?
Dr Aurelius turns off the camera and disconnects and packs his equipment with Peeta's help. Peeta accompanies him across the hall to Haymitch's suite. I go to follow them but from the front door I hear them exchange words in hushed tones. I only manage to catch the end of the conversation.
"...sharp objects with the possibility of self-harm."
Immediately I turn and head back to the couch. I hear the front door close, but Peeta doesn't return. Probably sitting in Haymitch's session, for some reason.
I don't know how to take this. I feel upset and angry. I feel like I'm being left out in the loop. What's going on that can't be said to my face? What are they all playing at?
Suddenly I feel as if the air has been sucked out of this room and I'm suffocating. My heart paces quickly and there's a tight, painful knot in my chest.
I head to the window. I need fresh air. I need to get out of here, now. I need the woods, the trees, the animals around me. I need my bow and arrow. I need Gale beside me.
I push away the lace curtain and find that the window is not actually a window, but a sliding door that leads out to a balcony. I fumble with the lock and it finally clicks open and I push the door aside. It's heavy.
I stumble out on to the tile of the balcony, cool and dusty under my feet. I rush to the very edge and hold on to the railing, breathing in deeply. The Capitol air is cool and thick, with a strange tang to it. There's a faint hint of smoke, car fumes, chemicals; there's an artificialness here in the Capitol that's tangible even in the air.
My heart rate begins to slow and I look out on to the expanse of green lawn and gardens of the hotel. I lean down, resting my head on my hands.
The beach and the woods come back into my mind. For some reason, Darius felt some affection for me. This is new to me. He'd covered his emotions quite well.
Cinna knew that helping me would lead to pain and death, but he did it so that real change could be brought about in this country. And he believed in me, and still believes in me.
And Finnick... I think about him with regret. The only thing I can do now is to keep going and make this world a better place for Annie and their baby.
And Boggs... he was protecting me, too.
His words ring in my head. People will try to play me, but I can play on my own terms.
I can't keep going along with people's games. I need to be careful and watch them, make my own decisions. I can play on my own terms. And who knows what Peeta and Haymitch and Dr Aurelius are discussing in Haymitch's supposed session. It's about me, for sure.
It's a long while before I hear Peeta calling my name from inside. When I turn to head back, he's standing at the doorway, the curtain pushed back, watching me carefully. His face gives nothing away.
I arrange my face in a calm, easy going expression as I walk towards him and put my arms around his middle. I feel his arms hugging me back, his breath exhaling slowly from his chest. He presses his cheek to my head and holds me against him. Fine, then. Say nothing, I think. Two can play at this game.