Author's Note:
Apologies for the month long wait. I was playing WoW, lol. It's a problem.
CHAPTER THIRTY TWO
Cursed
"I'm going to kill myself."
Emma watched Regina look up from the newspaper as she strolled through the doorway of the study with that declaration, a singular eyebrow of the other woman's beginning to arch at the blonde's blatant exaggeration of her current state of mind. "You know, if your archery lessons aren't going well, dear, it may be pertinent to try your hand at acting; you do seem to have a flair for the dramatics, after all."
"It's not because I suck at archery," Emma responded flatly before throwing the first of many books she held in her arms on the desk in front of Regina. "Believe me, I wish it was."
She watched Regina peer at the cover of the book she threw down on the desk, the woman's eyebrows rising as she read the cover. "'The Intimacy Dance'," she read out loud. "'A Guide to Long-term Success in Gay and Lesbian Relationships'. Emma, why on earth would you buy—?"
"Oh, it gets better," Emma responded, her voice a little more high pitched than normal as she threw more books down on the table, each one another version of relationship help books, and more than half of them accenting the 'lesbian' aspect of it, like for some reason their problems were drastically different than any other couples.
Well, alright, to be fair they really were, but not because they were in a gay relationship.
"But the icing on the cake?" Emma continued, knowing her eyes were probably far wider than normal and her voice much more strained than it should be, but to be fair, she was now traumatized. "The blow-your-brains-out, worst part of all of this?" She threw another book down, the last one then, and Regina's eyebrows practically flew off her head when she read the title.
The Lesbian Kama Sutra.
"Ask me who gave these to me," Emma prodded. "Go on, ask me."
But Regina seemed to have already reached the logical conclusion, seeing where Emma had just come from, and finally looked properly scandalized by the very idea of it. "Please tell me you're joking."
"Believe me, I really wish I was. She even flipped through them and tried talking to me about some of the stuff in them on her way to drop me off. And you know, I was on board with the whole… my mom being an advocate for the success of our relationship thing – since you know, she never bothered to be before – but this? This makes me want to bang my head against a goddamn wall. Repeatedly."
"You're being dramatic, but nevertheless I agree that this is not something we need," Regina said, picking up the books one by one with a look of distaste and throwing them in the waste bin. "Just tell your mother to stop overcompensating to overshadow her discomfort with this, because it's clear that's what she's doing. Remind her that being a silent advocate will do just fine. Although," she amended, bitterness in her tone, "perhaps holding our breath over your mother's silence is unwise, as she has never seemed very capable of keeping her mouth shut in the past."
"Water, bridge, Regina; can you look at the big picture here? My mother just gave me a sex book."
Regina shot her an exasperated look as she continued to toss another self-help book into the trash. "I empathize with the embarrassment this has caused you, dear, but I doubt this is life-shattering. Weren't you friends with Snow before she… well, before she remembered that she happened to birth you? I'm sure this wasn't the first sex conversation you've ever had with her."
"Okay, that was different and, by the way, something I'm still trying to forget ever happened."
"So then file this away along with all those other conversations, and try to move on," Regina told her, her movements suddenly halting before she threw the last book in the trash. She was looking down at it, and Emma's gaze immediately followed hers.
"No." The answer was immediate, already knowing the reason why Regina hesitated on that particular book. "Regina, we're not even having sex right now."
Regina shot a brief, yet vexed glance in the blonde's direction before her eyes landed on the book once more. "I'm aware of what we are and aren't doing, Emma, thank you; but I have to admit that I am a little curious. I wasn't aware a lesbian version existed of this book."
She tried to open it then, but Emma's hand came down on top of it with a loud bang, forcing it closed.
"Regina, we've got enough kink in our sex life to make up for the lack of crazy positions," Emma tried to rationalize because, Jesus, they were not keeping that book. Straightening her spine and moving her hand away from on top of it, she continued, "Besides, if you read that, and then you try to fuck me upside down or pretzel style or whatever the next time we have sex, do you know what I'm going to be thinking the entire time? If my mother was the one who suggested this; which, in case you weren't already aware, is a surefire way to kill my lady-boner in about two seconds flat. So unless you never want an orgasm from me again, I'm gonna suggest that you throw that damn thing away like, now preferably."
Regina exhaled an exasperated sigh, and made an overdramatic showing of picking up the book, dangling it over the waste bin, and letting it fall into it with a loud bang. "Happy?" she deadpanned.
"Not exactly the word I'd use to describe my emotional state right now, no, but thanks for asking."
Regina didn't even bother to hide the roll of her eyes before she rose from her chair. "Traumatic parental advice aside, I assume everything else went well today?"
"Archery lessons sucked like always. I really don't understand how I can aim a gun perfectly fine and then accidentally kill a bird when I was going for a very large target board instead."
"The mechanics of the weapons are different," Regina rationalized, before her eyebrows rose and she asked, "You killed a bird?"
Emma scrunched up her nose as she leaned against the desk. "Yeah, like three shots in today. Mary Margaret cried over it and gave it a mini-funeral; it was a mess."
Regina looked amused at that, but suppressed it as she crossed the room. "As entertaining as it is to hear about your mother's unnatural bond with woodland creatures, or your failed attempts at actually succeeding at the hobby you've chosen, I was more referring to your therapy session. Is everything… going well?"
"Yeah. I mean, I guess. Today he made me write out a list of—" But Emma's words died in the back of her throat then as she noticed what Regina was reaching for and Jesus, how had she not noticed before that it was back in its original spot? An uncomfortable feeling swirled in the pit of her gut, tightening and pulling and making her feel a little light headed.
Regina, noticing the drop off of the other woman's sentence, turned around then to be greeted by the sight of a very pale Emma Swan. "Emma, what…?" she began, before it seemed to click in her head and she realized why the blonde looked like she was fighting an anxiety attack. "Oh, no," she quickly tried to explain, placing the decanter back down on the mantle and turning to her. "This isn't—I made some cider today, and I just wanted to put the decanter to some use; it's fine crystal, and I just thought it was far too beautiful to be hidden away and not used, even if this was not the use it was intended for. There's no alcohol in this, I promise you."
Emma swallowed, repeating Regina's last sentence over in her head to assure herself that it was okay, and eventually nodded. "Sorry, it's just— I… you know. Sorry."
"I should be the one who's sorry, Emma; I should have forewarned you, as I'm sure the amber liquid bears a striking resemblance to… what used to be inside of there." Regina lightly chewed on her bottom lip, looking guilty. "I really am sorry, I could put it away again if you—"
"No," Emma interrupted quickly, not wanting Regina to feel even more burdened by her problems, even if it was over something minor. "No, that's—it's fine. It just took me by surprise is all. Gimme a glass?"
After a moment's hesitation, most likely because she was taken aback by the blonde's quick switch from a near-panic attack to being relatively fine again, Regina shot her a soft smile. "Of course."
As Regina poured her a glass, Emma tried to resume a bit of normalcy as she cocked her head and asked, "Isn't that gonna go bad in there? I thought cider had to be refrigerated."
"Believe me, dear," Regina started, turning around to hand Emma a glass. "By the time I'll need to refrigerate it, there won't be anything left to go bad."
"Why, is your arrogance the special ingredient?" Emma asked, smirking so Regina would know she was kidding. Sort of.
Regina shot her a look that let Emma know she wasn't as funny as she thought she was, before she invited a second opinion with, "Why don't you taste it and see for yourself?"
Emma obliged, yet went into it without high expectations. It was just apple cider; how great could it be?
"Oh, wow that's—" Emma started after she had had her first taste, surprise washing over her expression as she honestly didn't think it would be anything that amazing but God, was she wrong. It was easily one of the top five things she had ever had touching her tongue, and that was because the other four were Regina's various body parts. "Shit, Regina; why the hell don't you make this all the time?"
"Before I answer that, I'd like the record to show that it was confidence, not arrogance, that led me to make those statements."
"Fine, fine, whatever," Emma brushed off after taking another sip and waving her hand. "Now explain to me why we don't have this all day every day. You've been holding out on me, and I'm pretty sure that's grounds for a divorce."
Regina smirked, taking a small sip of her own; she looked very pleased with herself at Emma's reaction. "We'd actually have to be married to get a divorce," she reminded her, sounding amused.
"Technicality."
"And I don't make it often because I'm very particular about the time I should harvest the apples for it, so it's seasonal." A small pause, and then with a glance at the expression on Emma's face she chided, "Oh, don't pout, dear."
"You basically just kicked my taste bud's puppy, Regina; how the hell else am I supposed to look?" Emma defended, the pout growing deeper. "You really can only do this a couple times a year? You can't like—improvise with other less-perfect apples?"
"Even if I was willing to sacrifice some of the unique taste just to sate you, I hardly think a diet that consists solely of apple cider would be very healthy," Regina told her, before taking another sip and switching the subject. "Anyway, as you were saying before… Archie made you write out a list of what today?"
"Oh. Uh… just… things."
Regina's brow rose disbelievingly. "Things?"
"…Triggers," Emma admitted, sounding a little guilty herself now since she knew how Regina was going to react. The woman's face crumbled a little at the information, and Emma's heart ached because she knew she had made that happen. In the end though, she knew Regina wouldn't want her to lie, and she had never really been good at avoiding questions.
"You mean like the decanter," Regina realized, her tone soft and sullen.
"No," Emma denied immediately, before Regina shot her a disbelieving look and she amended, "Okay, maybe a little; but it's fine."
"I'm so sorry," Regina quickly apologized, looking ashamed of herself for not thinking how Emma would react ahead of time to something like that. "I won't use it again; I don't want you to—"
"No, Regina," Emma tried, placing her glass down on the desk before grasping the other woman's hands in hers. "Look, it's… okay, Archie made me write out of a list, right? And then we went over it, and he reminded me that I couldn't just avoid all of those things forever, you know? Life doesn't come with trigger warnings, and I can't expect everyone else to take my issues into account every time they're around me. People are going to have decanters, Regina; I'm going to end up going places where they serve alcohol, or… or, you know, one day we're probably going to fight again and it's gonna make me…"
Emma took a breath, hoping this was coming out right but worrying, because of the look on Regina's face, that it wasn't. Maybe she shouldn't have mentioned the fighting thing, but it had been one of her triggers; fighting with her, fighting with her parents… just feeling emotionally out of control in general. "All I'm saying, is that my issues are my own, and I gotta learn to deal with them without everyone babying me. I can't live my life in some kind of protective, trigger-free bubble, Regina, because that's not realistic. So just… relax about the decanter, okay? It fucked me up for a minute, but I'm fine now, okay? I'm fine."
Regina pursed her lips into a thin line, silent for a moment as she looked at the woman across from her. Her fingers curling protectively within Emma's grasp, she finally took a breath and said, "I know that it is perhaps rather unrealistic of me to believe that I can protect you from everything, but that doesn't… it doesn't mean that I don't wish to try."
Emma's lips upturned into a soft smile at that, and she leaned in to gently rest her forehead against the other woman's. "And I love you for that," she breathed, because the warmth that enveloped her chest at those words seemed to overtake her. "But I don't need you to shield me, Regina; I just… I just need you to support me, you know? To hold my hand when I'm freaking out, remind me that it'll be okay, but don't… don't take me out of the world, because then I'm never going to be living in it."
Regina smirked a little at those words. "You're paraphrasing the bug right now, aren't you?"
"More like plagiarizing actually; it's pretty much word for word," Emma admitted with a small shrug. "But still. I don't… I don't want to live my entire life worrying about what's going to cause my next relapse; I don't want my struggle with sobriety to take over my whole fucking life like my struggle with alcoholism did, you know? I just want to be normal again. I want to go back to the way things were."
Regina's smile was gentle then, her eyes softening in emotion as she delicately brushed a strand of hair away from Emma's eyes. "I'm proud of you," she whispered, the words tickling Emma's lips as the brunette sought for eye contact. "You've come really far. It's almost as though you're actually becoming an adult, much to my surprise."
"Hey, shut up," Emma countered with a small laugh, gently hitting Regina's shoulder. "Adult for like ten years now, standing right in front of you."
"Legally perhaps," Regina responded with an amused smirk. "But as that was about it, I think that can be categorized under the banner of 'barely'."
"Yeah well, we can't all be eligible for AARP benefits," Emma shot back, her tone light and teasing as she pulled away from Regina and cackled at the flash of offense on the other woman's face for her daring to bring up her technical age like that. Regina really liked to pretend that she was just the age she looked, and not how long she actually lived for; frozen in time or not.
"Unless you wish to sleep on the floor tonight, I suggest you take that back," Regina warned, her eyes flashing dangerously as she pointed at Emma, advancing on her until the blonde's back was pressed up against the wall. Emma smirked, knowing it was all bravado and finding something strangely endearing in it. It was like… a game; it was light, it was fun, and there would always be a part of them both that enjoyed pressing the other's buttons.
"Now why would I want to do that, when you're actually kinda cute when you get all huffy and indignant at me?" Emma teased, her tongue resting on the inside of her cheek as she allowed Regina's palm to lay flat against her torso, gently pinning her to the wall.
"Cute?" the former queen repeated disbelievingly. "I used to make women weep and grown men wet themselves with a mere glare, and yet you find my irritation with you endearing?" Her eyebrow arched then, a challenge and a warning as she got within mere inches of Emma's face, and the blonde could do nothing but glance down at the woman's lips as she licked her own.
"Endearing, and right now… incredibly sexy."
Regina smirked, her gaze catching Emma's before she leaned down and gently brushed her lips over the curvature of the younger woman's jaw. "That's only because I have you pressed up against a wall right now, dear," she breathed into her ear. "You're finding eroticism in our reversed roles because it's new to you."
"So?" Emma breathed, her heart beginning to race as she grasped for the hem of Regina's button down shirt. "Maybe it'll be good for us; the change. We fuck everything up the other way around. Don't pretend like you're not curious too…"
The last time they had kissed, Regina had also taken the lead, despite how briefly. It made Emma wonder if perhaps control was something Regina needed in order to help her pick up the shattered remnants of her self-worth; and if that was the case, then Emma was more than happy to comply. In the end, she too was sick of the routine they had fallen into, because she had demonstrated on more than one occasion that she really shouldn't be trusted with being in charge. Maybe something different would be... better, healthier for them.
But Regina just gently took Emma's chin in her hands, turning the woman's head in order for the blonde to meet her gaze. "You still don't understand, do you?" Regina breathed, her brow creasing in a mixture of distress and empathy. "Our problem isn't who's in control, Emma, but our obsession with one of us needing to have it in the first place."
Emma's eyebrows knitted in confusion, and Regina gave her a soft, understanding smile as she continued, "Do you remember the night before the curse broke, do you… remember when we made love?"
Emma nodded, silent. Of course she remembered; how could she forget?
"That was... one of the most beautiful experiences of my entire life," Regina softly admitted. "So much that it physically aches when I question if I'll ever have something like that again. It was… pure; it lacked control, reason, or direction. It was just… it was emotion, Emma, and it was the truth that began to break down the walls of the curse. What we did before, that was just a game to us; but what we've done since… became almost a dangerous obsession. We immersed ourselves in it, let it consume us and define us, and in the end, all it did was destroy us."
"It's not a lifestyle, Emma; not for us," Regina reminded her softly, catching the blonde's gaze once more. "It was just a game that we took too far."
Emma pursed her lips, staying silent for a moment while she mulled that over. But even as she paused to consider it, she knew within seconds that Regina was right; in the end, they had taken something fun and turned it into something fairly dangerous, and Emma wished she knew why. Their anger perhaps, their sadness and their loneliness; it bled into their little game and tainted it with something dark to reflect their shared sense of self-loathing. But did that mean that they had to give it up completely? If they were happy again, would they be able to play their little games in the way they had before, or had they managed to ruin it completely?
"So you're saying we shouldn't do stuff like that anymore?" Emma asked softly, hoping her disappointment wasn't evident in her voice, as she knew that perhaps that might be the best decision for them.
"I'm saying we shouldn't let it define us," Regina corrected, sliding her fingers down Emma's wrist to tangle their hands together. "We need to be more than aggressor and subordinate; we need to be people. We need to own ourselves, not each other."
Emma nodded, understanding that. Chewing on her bottom lip for a moment as she stared at the floor, Emma tightened her grip on Regina's hand before admitting, "That's what I want, you know?" She looked up at her then, hoping Regina didn't hear her voice crack with emotion when she said that, because this had been a sensitive subject for her ever since their last sexual encounter. "What we… what we had, that night before the curse broke? When I said that I wanted to… make love to you, that's what I wanted. I just want… you, without all the other stuff; all the… all the mess, you know?"
"I know," Regina whispered, giving her a gentle, yet sympathetic smile as she placed her forehead against the other woman's. "It's what I want as well, but we're not… we're not there, Emma. Not yet."
"I know," Emma breathed, not bothering to hide the disappointment in her voice this time, as Regina already knew where she stood in regards to that. Bringing their clasped hands up to her mouth, Emma lightly brushed her lips against Regina's knuckles before she asked, voice filled with uncertainty and insecurity as she looked up at her, "But we'll get there… right? Some day."
Regina smiled at her, tightening the hand that Emma held in her own. "I'd like to think so. Perhaps even much sooner than I originally imagined."
They made eye contact then, the brunette's soft smile becoming infectious and causing another to slowly grace Emma's lips, before she finally closed the space between them. The kiss was tender, slow and soft, the two of them standing a mere fraction of an inch apart with their hands locked between them. Emma could feel the beat of Regina's heart against the back of her hand, felt the way it skipped before it became a steady, rapid pound inside of her ribcage, and as the blonde parted her lips in invitation, Regina slipped her tongue inside and began to drink up the last of her doubt. Because they were getting better, much faster than either of them had ever thought they would, and when Emma looked back on a month ago; hell, even a week ago… it seemed almost surreal, that things between them were beginning to reflect how they used to be so very long ago.
Regina left her lips and began kissing the blonde's chin, her cheek, her neck, to land once more on the underside of her jaw as she untangled her hand from Emma's. As it found its new home atop her left breast, Emma found herself exhaling a shuddered breath of air, the sound almost coming out like a desperate whine as she pressed her hips against the other woman's. And it was terrible; it was absolute fucking shit because Emma knew they didn't have time to get into this right now. She knew that Regina knew as well, but unlike her, she was certain Regina didn't care.
But they couldn't keep putting this off, and so while it almost physically pained Emma to do so, she placed her hand on Regina's hip and gently encouraged the other woman off of her. "Henry's gonna be home in like an hour," she reminded her, slightly breathless as she pushed some of the hair back away from her eyes.
"And?" Regina countered, her own breathing relatively labored as she looked at the woman against the wall, her pupils so dilated it made her eyes look almost black. Emma wanted to jump on her, but restrained herself. It was extremely difficult. "Last I checked, an hour is more than enough time to…" Regina smirked, her tongue peeking out to briefly wet her bottom lip as she allowed her eyes to drag over the expanse of Emma's form, "explore other areas of intimacy…"
Oh, fuck her.
"Why, why did you have to do this now?" Emma whined, tangling her fingers in her hair in frustration as she slumped her entire body weight against the wall. "You promised, Regina; we can't keep putting this off, as much as I…" Her eyes raked over Regina's form, drinking her in, allowing the woman's curves to drive her absolutely insane as she ached to see her bare skin again. "God, you know I'd do whatever PG-13 bullshit you wanted me to before I ultimately end up fucking myself in the shower later, but… but my parents took Henry for a reason, and we gotta—I hate it, I really, really hate it right now – but we gotta do it. We've stalled long enough."
"The spell will take ten minutes, Emma, if that," Regina tried to reason, despite Emma recognizing it for what it was: stalling. But Regina still tried, lacing their fingers together once more as she pulled the blonde towards her. "You're saying you'd rather do that now instead of… more enjoyable endeavors?"
She quirked an eyebrow at her, an enticing gesture meant to distract as her other hand slipped around Emma's waist, bringing the blonde in so she could place a hot, open mouthed kiss against the base of her neck. Emma groaned, her eyes falling closed for one short second before she got her bearings and tried to bargain with, "Spell first, if it won't take that long. Then we can… mmm… then we can do whatever you want…"
Regina sighed heavily, and pulled away enough to look Emma in the eyes as she told her, "Do you honestly think that either of us will be in the mood after that? It isn't as though we're searching for rainbows and unicorns, dear; a curse is bound to put a damper on things, should we find one."
"We may not," Emma reasoned, although she knew the chances of that were fairly slim; right now, it was the only viable theory they had. "And do you honestly think that if we… I don't know, groped each other for a good half an hour, that we'd be in the mindset to do the spell afterwards? Come on; we'll be lucky if we're even competent enough to pull away from one another and get into a cold shower."
From the look on Regina's face, Emma gathered that the answer was no, but that it would be preferable to her nonetheless. "Regina," Emma coaxed softly, her tone understanding as she lightly touched the other woman's face. "Look, I get that this… I know it scares you, finally knowing that something might be wrong with one of us, but we need to—we have to fix this, and this is the first step in doing that. Please."
"And what if there isn't a second step?" Regina countered, pulling away from her. "What if I can't distinguish whose magic it is, and we're left knowing something is wrong with one of us with no viable way to fix it? Do you really want that knowledge in the back of your mind; truly knowing that one of us may never be fully happy?"
"Even if you can't figure out who did it from this spell, Regina, we'll find a way. Okay? I promise."
Regina shook her head, a disbelieving look crossing her face as she ran a frustrated hand through her hair. "You can't promise me that."
"Well I am anyway, so just… just trust me, okay?" Emma tried, stepping closer to her imploringly. "I mean, fuck, I'm the 'Savior', right? This probably falls under my job description or something."
Regina side-eyed her, her lips pursing into a thin line as she crossed her arms over her chest. After a long moment she let out a hard puff of air through her nostrils and relented with, "I'm more than aware of the overactive state of your libido, and if you're honestly willing to put aside pleasure for something like this then… then I suppose I can see how important this is to you."
It wasn't a yes, not really; but it was close enough.
"I just… I want things to work out, you know?" Emma tried to explain, an apologetic look on her face for making Regina go through with this when the woman would clearly prefer to live in blissful ignorance. But in the end, she knew this way was better. "I want us to be happy, I want the curse to break right, I want to be able to see my family, all of my family, whenever I want. I don't want this hanging over our heads for the rest of our lives, and I definitely don't want either one of us to never be able to feel true happiness, should that be what's wrong. I know we've been such a mess, but I really fucking hope we deserve better than that."
Regina sighed softly, her gaze resting out the window as she wrapped her arms around her midsection. It was a long time before she spoke, but when she did it was soft, yet ultimately compliant. "Fine," she breathed, turning on her heel. "Let's do this before I change my mind."
Emma said thank you, but she doubted it was even heard as Regina strode out of the room faster than the blonde could even process. Soon she was right behind her though, taking the steps two at a time to meet Regina in her bedroom, where she had hidden the wand. They hadn't wanted Henry to get ahold of something that had the potential to be dangerous, as all magic generally was unless wielded properly, and the kid knew better than to go snooping in his mother's room. At least, apparently, after The Great Christmas Present Fiasco of '08.
Emma closed the door behind her, hearing the latch click softly shut before she learned against the frame, watching Regina stand on her toes to reach the wand hidden away in the back of her closet. When she saw that she finally had it in her hand, Emma pushed herself off the door and began crossing the space between them. "Regina, it'll… it'll be fine," she tried, watching a distressed look cross over the other woman's face as she stared at the object in her hand. "Okay? Whatever it is, it's going to be fine, I promise."
She placed a gentle hand on the brunette's waist, but Regina just scoffed and moved away from her; just enough to make a point that she wasn't interested in being placated right then. "I really wish you would stop promising things you cannot deliver; it's entirely counterproductive."
"Sorry," Emma mumbled, feeling badly that her attempt at comfort failed rather miserably. She knew she couldn't promise something like that, yes, but in the end, it was at least a promise to try; because she would, she would always try to make it better. She would always try to make Regina happy. Maybe she had sucked quite terribly at it in the past, but she had vowed to get better.
"Do you…" Emma tried after a long stretch of silence, "do you want to do me first? I know you thought it was stupid last time, but it's still better to know. What if we're both cursed?"
"That's highly unlikely, but as I don't wish to argue with you right now, we'll do it your way," Regina practically snapped, her fear over this coming out in the form of irritation. Emma knew that though, she knew that this was hard for her, and so she didn't comment on the woman's sudden short temper. Pursing her lips, all she did instead was hold out her hand in offering, and after a brief glance in her direction, Regina exhaled a hard breath before forcefully taking the blonde's hand in her own.
"This may feel a bit strange," Regina warned her as she held the wand up, almost at eye level. "It will be… for lack of a better term, almost scanning you, to see if there's darkness that resides beneath the surface. If there is, it will manifest into a projection of its physical form." Emma nodded in understanding, watching the brunette take a long inhale of breath as she steeled her concentration.
Regina's hand trembled then, just slightly, but enough for Emma to notice as the wand wobbled in front of her vision. Squeezing the woman's hand in her own, Emma shot Regina a reassuring smile, but she doubted it made a difference as the brunette seemed to be staring through her, rather than at her.
And then Emma felt it, this fierce sense of cold that suddenly washed through her entire body. She gasped sharply at the invasive feeling, exclaiming, "Jesus, that feels—"
"Shh!" Regina snapped, not wanting Emma to disrupt her concentration, and Emma's mouth snapped closed. Thankfully it was over quickly, but in the end, nothing changed; nothing manifested, the air around her was just… empty, save the harsh wave of pessimism that clouded over Regina so fiercely that Emma could feel it herself.
"What did I tell you?" she snapped, like she was angry at Emma for making her do that, as in the end, it only probably furthered her own fear that it was she who was cursed.
"Look, okay, so maybe I'm not cursed, but that doesn't mean that you're—"
"Oh, don't be an imbecile," Regina shot back, upset swirling behind her chestnut eyes as she stared at the woman across from her. "You and I both know exactly what's going to happen when I use the spell on myself, and I honestly would prefer it if you stopped trying to make me feel better with your ridiculous platitudes."
Emma sighed softly, but didn't argue with her. She didn't want to upset Regina any more than she already was; she felt badly enough about this as it was.
Furiously shaking her head, Regina's grip on Emma's hand turned almost painful as she immediately turned the wand on herself, apparently needing to just get this done before she lost her nerve. Emma felt her heart begin to beat heavily in her chest, suddenly terrified that Regina would be right; not because she didn't think they could fix it even if she was, but because of what it would do to Regina's mental state should her pessimism prove to be completely valid.
She watched as Regina began to slowly bring the wand down over her form, her hand shaking more than ever. And for a split second, Emma honestly thought that nothing was going to happen, but then Regina gasped hard, her whole body jerking forward as this inky black stuff began to pour out of her ears, her eyes, her mouth, swirling into a dark cloud before them. It freaked out Emma so badly that she shouted, letting go of Regina's hand and breaking the magical connection so suddenly that it seemed to lash backwards at Regina, bringing the woman to her knees as she struggled to breathe.
"You… idiot!" Regina shouted in between large gulps of air, the black cloud beginning to disappear. "Do you have any idea how dangerous it is to break a connection in the middle of a spell?!"
"Regina, I—I'm sorry, it just… it freaked me out and I didn't—"
But Regina was barely listening to her, her fury and upset suddenly merging into an uncontrollable cloud of emotion as she screamed in rage at the answer she had been given and threw the wand against the wall, the force of the impact looking as though it broke it before it fell heavily to the floor.
Well, if they weren't on Gold's hit list before, they certainly were now.
But Emma barely had time to contemplate that, let alone care about it, as Regina's lack of a conduit caused her magic to explode outwards, knocking the blonde flat on her ass as every breakable surface in Regina's room shattered. Glass rained down from the mirror on the wall, and Emma had to roll out of the way in order not to be hit by its remnants before she frantically crawled on her hands and knees towards Regina, forcefully grasping the woman's hand in her own.
"Regina! Regina, calm down!"
Regina shut her eyes tightly then, struggling to breathe in order to calm herself despite how upset she clearly was. "I told you," she seethed through her teeth. "I damn well told you…"
"I know, I know," Emma tried, moving herself close enough to wrap the other woman up in her arms. She felt terrible; she knew this was a possibility, and she knew exactly how Regina was going to react, and yet she pushed for it anyway. Regardless of the possibility of fixing it since they now knew the problem, a part of her still regretted it. She didn't want to do this to her. "I know, and I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry…"
Cradling Regina's head in her hands, she encouraged the other woman to rest in the crook of her neck as she held her. A soft sob was released then, followed by a hand pressing to her lips as Regina tried to stifle the emotion that was threatening to envelop her. "I'm going to kill her," she breathed, the words sounding fierce despite the distress she was feeling in that moment. It caused a shiver to roll down Emma's spine at the undeniable promise in it, at the rage and anger that was building behind her veil of tears. And in that moment, Emma knew that the woman's words weren't just bravado; that Regina honestly would do exactly what it was that she was promising to do, without thought or hesitation as to what else in her life it would kill in the process. "I will destroy her for doing this to me…"
"Who? Regina, who?" Emma tried, not having expected Regina to have known who it was. Gold said it was a small chance, that Regina would have needed to… something, God she couldn't remember right then, but—
Regina just shook her head though, apparently not intent on talking about it right now as she tried to pull away from her. "It doesn't matter," she told her, voice hoarse as another tear rolled down her cheek. "It doesn't matter… I won't involve you in this, Emma; I won't. This isn't your fight; this isn't your problem."
"I'm already involved in this, Regina!" Emma exclaimed, grasping the woman's hand in hers once more as she pulled the brunette back to her. "Regina… Regina, look at me," she coaxed, her own voice sounding desperate and strained, because she feared what would happen should Regina go off on her own on some kind of vengeful mission. She… she feared who she would become.
When the brunette's bloodshot eyes finally landed on hers, Emma wasted no time in telling her, "If someone hurts you, they hurt me. And I swear to God, I won't rest until we get whoever did this to you to undo it, okay? But just please… please don't shut me out, because I…" Her voice hitched then, and yet Emma told her honestly, hoping the repercussions of it wouldn't be terrible, "I'm scared of what you might do, of what this might turn you into if you do this alone. You're not alone anymore, Regina, okay? So just… please just let me help. Let's do this the right way, please."
That, at least, apparently seemed to strike a chord in Regina, and the woman turned away from her, a look of shame on her face as she realized the line she was getting dangerously close to. Instead of thinking of her options, she had immediately gone to murder, and that… that scared Emma. And in the end, it was Regina's final decision that meant more than her first instinct should she choose not to actually act on it, and so Emma hoped that Regina would try to reel herself back in a little before she did something that she'd ultimately regret.
"Regina…" Emma tried softly, but the woman just waved her off as she rose to stand, her arms covering her midsection as she quite literally tried to hold herself together.
"Please just…" Regina begged, her voice hoarse and broken as she avoided eye contact with the woman on her bedroom floor. "I'm—I'm truly sorry that I frightened you, Emma, but I need—I need a minute alone. Please. This is… it's quite a lot to process. I can't—I just need a moment to think."
Emma pursed her lips into a thin line, worry etching across her face as she honestly didn't think Regina was in a state of mind to be left alone – especially with her magic on the fritz in an already unstable environment – but in the end, Emma didn't want to force herself where she clearly wasn't wanted. She respected Regina more than that.
That didn't mean, however, that she wouldn't be camping directly outside of the door, just in case anything happened. If Regina lost control of her magic again and she wasn't around, she could very well bring down the entire house on top of herself. And so as Emma stood, she nodded in understanding.
"Alright, but… I'll just be right outside, okay?" she tried, wanting Regina to know that even though she needed space, that she wasn't going to abandon her. "If you need me, please just… just come and get me, okay? I won't be far."
Regina didn't say anything, but Emma did see the slightest evidence of a small nod after the woman swallowed hard and turned away from her, and that was good enough for her. And so she backed out of the room then, her heart weighing heavy in her chest as the door clicked behind her, the sound reminding her that she was completely shut out from the one situation she desperately needed to fix.
God, she wished it had been her that was cursed. If Emma could wish for anything in that moment, she'd wish for that, because they… they desperately needed an answer, a way to fix the curse on the town, but she didn't want Regina to be the one to carry that burden, that pain. She had had enough terrible crap happen in her life, and it just wasn't fair.
It just wasn't fucking fair.
TBC…