To Lose

Lara

I was sitting in the common room, it was two o'clock. Alice and Lily were talking amiably together and I was trying to finish my Care of Magical Creatures homework but failing. The room was warm and the fire chuckled happily in the corner. The cosy smell of burning wood drifted over me.

I was unreasonably confused and worried about the Marauders. It was silly really, when I thought about it, they were allowed to have secrets and they were allowed to lie. I had known them for a month. A single month, and yet I had this tweaking feeling at the back of my mind like a persistent twitch that was telling me it was important. And important things deserved my attention, right?

What is the best way to treat a Violet Salamander from Fumomorbia?

It was only two hours until the boys got back from visiting Remus' mother - If that was what they were doing.

To treat the Salamander it must be removed from its flames and sheltered from the smoke.

Why had they lied? It was so uncharacteristic of the four loyal boys. It must be a big secret. Or maybe they really had gone to his mother's? No – they had lied, there was no loophole there - no matter how hard I tried to find one.

Perhaps it was a simple, but important, prank? Maybe they wanted to surprise us. That would explain their hushed voices, could that be it?

Wearing dragon hide gloves, carefully grasp the Salamander, holding the head and tail still as you do so.

But then why had Remus been missing so much sleep – could he be the ill one? Perhaps he doesn't want to mention it? Could that be it? Perhaps he had to visit St. Mungo's every month. Why wouldn't he want to tell us?

The Salamander must be fed pepper throughout the duration it is out of the fire. Do this by gently squeezing the neck and raising the head and pouring a pinch directly down throat every minute.

What should I say when they get back? Should I just ask them? Surly Remus wouldn't mind. Or should I just let them be? That might be the politest way; they might think I'm nosing into their business if I ask...

Maybe I was just reading too far into it…

To cure the Fumomorbia, pour a boiling cleansing potion (Type cleans41smoke, with added pepper) using the same procedure as when giving pepper. This should remove the dry ash from the throat and allow the inner fire to course through the system properly.

The nagging feeling was back though. I saw the shadows under Remus' eyes and felt the apprehension soaking his mind. I saw him yawning and dragging a restless hand through his limp blond hair. I saw him hovering at the top of the stairs, his hand clasping the banister thinking no one saw him.

I felt the sympathy of his friends and his gratitude towards them.

You should consider working in pairs to do this, with one person holding the fire lizard and the other administrating the pepper and potion.

It was not my business though. I was just a friend, not a best friend, not a Marauder, just a simple friend, one who hung out with them now and then. I wasn't his girlfriend and I wasn't close to becoming it so it didn't affect me. I didn't even spend most of my time with them. Every so often yes, but mostly I was with Lily and Alice.

'Secrets are made to be found out with time.' Came Aunt Marilyn's voice from my mind and I sighed, knowing it was the truth.

To prevent it occurring again feed the home fire dry willow, previously soaked in salt minerals. You could cast a smoke rising charm to sweep away any remaining fumes. Only replace the Salamander once the fire is back to its red state.

"This is useless. I'm just not going to be able to do any work now, ugh!" I said in aspiration, surprising my friends and chucking the book away, glaring at it.

"What's up Lara? You've been agitated all day" Alice said, concerned, picked up my book from the seat next to her and setting it on the table.

I shrugged and looked out the window. The sky outside was grey and dreary, rain was coming and the very air was moist.

"Has this got anything to do with the Marauders by chance?" Lily asked knowingly and I looked at her surprised. She had a small smile on her lips and her hands supported her face, which was cocked to the side.

"What makes you think that?" I said slowly, knowing full well that I didn't fool her at all. She was too smug.

She rolled her eyes at me and exchanged a look with Alice, whose lips were twitching in amusement. I felt like I was missing some sort of joke and wondered briefly if Alex and I made people feel that way.

"Several reasons. Number one: the one day where you get all jumpy and restless just happens to be the day the Marauders have their monthly visit to Remus' parents. Coincidence? Unlikely. Number two: you've been looking at the clock every few minutes since you woke up, obviously waiting for something. And number three:" She grinned and chuckled "My powers of detection has come to the very certain conclusion that our dear Lady Grey has a certain little crush of a certain pretty eyed boy"

She said this all very factually, while Alice sat there giggling.

I felt my cheeks enflame and I gapped at them. Before I knew it, I was blabbering.

"I do not – Remus is just a friend! A friend! And that's not why I'm nervous- who said I was nervous anyway. I'm just tired, really tired – that's all. I have no feelings for- what are you laughing at!"

The girls were full out laughing now and I sank into my seat further.

"Who said we were talking about Remus, eh?" Alice says in between laughter and I blush even more crimson.

"You said – I just assumed -" I spluttered and their laughter increased again. Woops, I sort of asked for that.

"Nope, you came up with that one all on your own!" Lily said gleefully, her eyes twinkling.

I huffed in indignation. This was so unfair. I didn't even have a crush on him, we were just friends. Sure I noticed how handsome he was, how he brushed his hair from his face, the way his eyes glistened – but I noticed things like that about everyone. I was just observant – that didn't mean I had a crush on him! I was worried yes and perhaps I liked him the best out of the group of boys, but really!

I remembered opening my eyes again. This thought that had come to me so many times, replaying like a broken video in my mind. It was still just as vivid. Blue eyes met mine, the fairy dust shimmered. And that sense that I was safe again.

"Ugh you two are hopeless! Have I ever told you that I hate you?" I threw my hands in the air and crossed them, hoping to stare them down. I had a feeling this effect was diminished by my red cheeks.

"Not as hopeless as you are in love" Lily retorted and I just gapped at them.

"And don't be such a spoil sport – we know you love us really"

Just at this point I felt Alex walk over.

Get them to stop! I pleaded to him and I heard him chuckle.

"Now, now girls. Teasing Larissa Grey isn't the safest thing to do, you know. She has the memory of Sphinx and a scheming talent you don't want to get on the bad side of." His voice said at my shoulder.

"Oh come on. Even you can't deny she has her eye out for a certain blond!" Alice said smirking.

Alex pretended to think about it and I punched his arm. However, the problem with sharing the mind with somebody is that they always apprehend you. My fist landed in thin air and he grinned at me.

"Well, I don't think I'm at liberty to say, sorry" he said, smiling.

"Whatever. I'm going for a walk." I got up, rolling my eyes, and pacing out of the room, their laughter following me.

I was walking aimlessly through the many corridors of the school. I didn't think were I was going and I didn't care.

Right now the only thing I wanted to do was lose myself.

I stopped to stare out of a nearby window. It was dark outside; the thick grey clouds shielded the sun. Grey as my eyes, I thought. Next to me there was a painting I had never seen before. It showed a wizard, dressed in long purple robed and waving his arms up and down like a conductor. In front of him two trolls were standing looking as dumb as they ever did, wearing what looked like ballet costumes. An inscription bellow said Barnabas the Barmy. I turned my back on the painting, baffled. How idiotic would you have to be to try and train trolls to dance? There was a door there. It was ornate; the dark wood had black steel enlaced into it in beautiful patterns. Where did that come from?

I approached it carefully, raising my wand as I did, and reached out a hand to the knob. It was cold under my touch and it twisted smoothly, making a small clicking sound as it did. I pulled the door open and looked inside.

It was a large room, with a tall, church like ceiling and the floor and walls was made of a glittering marble of many subtle colours. I gazed around in awe. The space was filled with a pleasant soothing light and although everything was stone, it was warm and relaxing. At the far end a grand piano gleamed black and a beautifully gold carven harp sat proudly. Leant against or hung on the walls around me were a variety of instruments. On my right brass instruments glittered gold, they were cold to me though and I didn't approach them, although I did see a flute amongst their bullion colours. Violins, Violas, Cellos and bulky double basses lined the other side, their deep red woods warmly called to me.

I hadn't played in so long, not since I'd joined Hogwarts. Alex and I had spent hours of our childhood learning as many instruments as we could with our feisty aunt. She had drilled us in everything. She loved to play, she loved he music that could be made, the beauty of the solitary instrument and this type of magic that was universal in its simplicity. As we grew older though, instruments were slowly left out. First to go for both of us were the cold brass instruments: the saxophones, trombones, trumpets, tubers, horns and the rest. They were too heavy and loud for us.

"How can you know what instrument most matches your soul, if you haven't tried them all, eh?" She'd said when we asked why we learnt so many. It made sense now.

By thirteen we had both dropped all but the harp, violin, cello and piano, Alex favouring the latter two, though I still held a soft spot for the flute.

We both sang as well.

"Singing is the purest instrument there is, it is a direct link to your heart – if mastered properly.

What was this room? I had never heard of it before, never come across it. Could I play these instruments? Or was it not allowed. It was like the room had made itself for me, magic resonated everywhere around me. I had wanted to lose myself, wanted to forget and to calm my mind, what better way than music?

I approach the violins, there were three in total, each beautiful. My favourite was an old looking one, with dark red and orange varnish. Carefully, looking over my shoulder as I did, I removed it from the wall, picking up the bow next to in.

I tucked it under my chin and grinned at the familiar pressure. Raising the bow, I drew out one pure note. The sound touched my core as it danced across the room freely. The noise swirled around me, untouchable and untainted it jumped into the world. I took a deep breath, walking to the centre of the room and raised the bow again to the strings.

I was gone from this word now. My bow was flying across the strings and my fingers ran up and down the fingerboard. The violin and my soul cried into existence. It was a sad tune, heartfelt and beautiful. It opened me and I lost my self to the sound.

Lily

It had been an hour and a half since Lara had - I guess you could say - 'stormed off'. I still chortled when I saw her indignant dazed face in my mind's eye. She was obviously caught up in the quiet book boy and there was no way she was getting out of it. Her pale skin had turned bright pink, the most colour I'd seen on her, and solidified her guilt.

To think, one of my friends had fallen for a Marauder! Sure Alive once had a crush on Sirius, in third year and I'd had my own shy moment with Remus but now was different. We were older and more responsible with our love, or not so much responsible just... solid. I rolled my eyes. They would make a cute couple, nevertheless.

Remus was obviously stricken with our new Grey lady. I'd seen him watch her, smiling secretly in her direction as if nobody could see him. It was so sweet!

I wished somebody would look at me like that, as if I were something precious. As if they noticed things about me, the little things, that nobody else saw. If it wasn't for Potter I might have had a boyfriend who did that. He scared away all my previous boyfriends, playing pranks on them constantly and such. As if he thought I was his. Bastard.

"If he'd really wanted your relationship to work he wouldn't have backed down" was his comeback. Ugh I hated that boy; I knew how to handle myself for goodness sake. He couldn't get it through his thick, over bloated head the fact I would never, ever go out with him. Never.

Anyway...

Remus had never really done anything about any infatuations he'd had in the past. I doubted it was because of his shy nature, I mean – he is shy – but I think he wouldn't be as scared to ask out a girl if he wanted. He wasn't scared in that way, not the actual act of asking out a girl, or her response, but I didn't know what was stopping him.

There was a possibility... something Sev – Snape – he had suggested. I'd thought over it and had come to the same conclusion, not that I told him that, but I wasn't positive. Either way, I doubted Lara would mind if she found out and it would explain Remus' reactions.

Lara still wasn't back which surprised me, seeing as Remus and the others would be back soon. Alex was sitting opposite me, reading Lara's discarded book. I nibbled my lip and he looked up at me. I was a little startled but I recovered quickly. He must have felt my attention on him.

"Do you know where Lara is?" I asked. It was a silly question really, how could he know, when he had been here ever since she'd left and she hadn't mentioned where she was going. However, I had grown to forget reason when it came to these too – or at least, as much as possible.

"Erm..." he looked deep in thought, eyes misted over "somewhere on the seventh or sixth floor that way" he pointed to the west.

I shook my head in amazement. These twins never ceased to amazing me.

"I don't suppose you could tell me what she's up to, to?" I chuckled.

He smiled.

"No, she'd too far away. I can tell you she's fairly calm though" Just as he said this, leaving me to laugh at the impossibility of the twins, the portrait swung open. I noticed Alex sat up a little straighter and turned in his seat towards the door. There was a funny look in his eye, it confused me.

Three boys walked in and I recognised them immediately as Potter, Black and Peter. They strutted to our table and sat down, Sirius and Peter next to Alex and Potter next to me. Aren't I the lucky one?

"I thought you weren't coming back for another hour or something" I grumbled, shifting away from Potter.

"Naw, missed me did you Lily Flower?" He said playfully.

"Ugh. You wish. If I'd known you were coming back so soon I would have been better prepared to leave; the less time I have to spend in your company the better" I replied gloomily. Dammit, I should have just left the moment I saw him – now I was trapped.

"I don't have to wish because I know it's true already." He said, just as buoyant as before. He effectively ignored the rest of my statement.

"How was your visit to Remus'? Speaking of, where is he?" Alex asked.

His face and voice were nothing but casual, calm and effortless, like he was asking about the weather. Too calm. He seemed too intent into the answer, his word sounded too well chosen to my ears. What was he really asking?

"It was okay, I suppose you could say, she's not looking her best. Remus is still there" James said, remorsefully. Poor Remus, his mother was so ill; it must be so hard for him...

I saw Alex's lips clench slightly and a subtly confused came to his face. He shook his head, frowning and looked out the window. The Marauders exchanged a meaningful glance.

What the hell was going on?

Lara

I was walking back from the music room, a new spring in my step thanks to my now light heart. It was so refreshing to be able to simply play music. I'd released my worried energies. The boys would be back soon and I would allow them their secrets. What did it matter? Their minds were theirs to keep and their secrets included.

I was walking to the common room when I felt a familiar mind on the floor bellow me. It was sleeping, I was sure, and though it was faint I knew who it was. But he wasn't meant to be back yet. Another half an hour – and he should be back. So why was he fast asleep downstairs it a random part of the castle? That was just weird!

I hesitated. Should I investigate? I had told myself they could have their secrets and they could. I should just walk away... but I couldn't. I wanted... no needed, to know, at least to see why he was fast asleep downstairs. That was it, right?

I felt curiosity nagging at me though.

My feet carried me away. I didn't think about it, I just walked. Taking the approaching stairs two at a time (jumping the fake one) and I gathered speed. Questions were beginning to crowd my head again. I didn't think about them though. I knew where I had seen his mind – in relation to me – and I knew I wasn't far away.

His slumbering thoughts came closer and closer, I stopped myself from running pell-mell down the corridor.

There. Ahead of me a pair of double doors ended the corridor. There were a couple of others behind the door, all calm but busied. I stopped at the sight of them. I didn't know where I was. Remus' sleeping mind was behind those doors. I knew it. His dreams were tense, uncomfortable, I shied away from them. He was so tired.

I was uncertain now. What was going on? Should I find out? What was that room? It seemed important... but why?

I approached the door, my heart hammering. I raised a hand and knocked with my knuckles. The thuds sounded quiet to my ears and I wondered if they'd heard me – whoever 'they' were. I waited for a moment and then I felt an approaching mind. The door opened and I saw a woman, of about thirty, standing in front of me with a disapproving look. Behind her I could see rows of beds, mostly empty. Screens were set up around some of them and behind one, quaking, I felt Remus. The woman in front of me was wearing dark red robes with a white apron and collar. On her head she wore a white cap that covered all of her hair. I gapped at her and at the room.

She was a matron and this, this was the hospital wing.

"Yes? What can I do for you?"

Remus was in the hospital wing. He was sleeping restfully. He was ill? What do I say to this woman now? I must look like an idiot. Should I just run for it?

"I, um, I..." I stuttered, before swallowing nervously "I was, um, wondering if I could... apprentice here?" where the hell did that come from?

I really need to communicate better with my own mind! I'd been doing too much listening to Alex's to realise I'd abandoned mine.

The matron surveyed me from head to toe. I could feel her mind sieving through everything she saw and I stood a little straighter.

"Oh I see. Why don't you come into my office and we can speak about it" She said stepping back to let me in.

I stepped uncertainly in, still processing my minds decision. It wasn't really that bad an idea, really... not when I thought about it. I'd always been curious about the idea of becoming a healer and what better way to find out if I wanted to be one? Not to mention I would probably pick up lots of useful skills along the way.

Wow... well done self conscious.

Remus

I suddenly awoke. I was lying in my bed, surrounded by screens. I was aching from last night, predictably, and a particularly bad bite on my arm was bandaged lightly. Not all of my cuts could be magically healed and most left scars crisscrossing my skin.

I heard voices nearby, one of them was Poppy, and I figured this was the reason to why I was being woken up.

"Have you had any experience of healing?" Poppy asked her companion.

"A little; I know a few simple cleansing spells and how to heal basic cuts and a charm to conjure bandages but not much more, though I'm eager to learn" A familiar voice said. I gasped.

Lara! Lara was here, in this room. She would know I'm here; she would be able to feel my mind! What was I supposed to say to her? I was meant to be at my mother's house.

Poppy and Lara were walking into the office and I heard their voices dull as the door was closed.

Shit!

I searched my head for something to say. I just came in to collect some meds for my mother. No! That was stupid; if mother really was ill then I would get them from St. Mungo's. I was visiting a friend. No, she would know nobody else was in here. I fell and broke a bone. No... I'd need more evidence for that one, not to mention the boys upstairs would have said something. I was splinched on the way back. No. I had to collect a sleeping potion – because of my stress for mother. So why was I behind a screen...? I'm a werewolf just back from full moon. Great, just fantastic, what was I supposed to tell her.

Nothing. I'll just say I can't tell her. It seemed a poor thing to do, after everything she'd told me but what else could I do?

The office door opened again.

"Very well, I will see you this Saturday then. I look forward for the extra help. Can you show yourself out?" Poppy said.

"Yes, thank you Madam Pomfrey. I'll see you then. Bye" I heard Lara walking across the room, past my bed. The office door clicked shut. I sighed, what was I going to do now?

I suddenly realised something. Lara's steps had stilled, I held my breath. I heard them, quietly now walking towards me and I panicked. I looked at myself, seeing my bed clothes and bandaged arm, I pushed myself into a sitting position.

"Hallo? Can I come in?" I heard her whisper, she sounded nervous and hesitant. I could see her silhouette through the screen, slender and graceful. I sighed, wasn't anything else I could do.

"Yeah, I suppose so" My voice was a little ragged and I coughed.

She came in, biting her lip with a face of worry on her face. My heart clenched. She paused, looking over me and sighing before looking away to stare out the window. I found myself blushing for some reason. She walked forward, sitting on the seat reserved for guests. There was a crease between her eyes and her lips were clenched.

She was here, at my bed side, a concerned friend.

"I don't suppose you'll tell me why your here instead of at your mothers? No, don't answer. It's your secret, don't mind me... Just answer me this; are you okay?" She asked and I wanted to weep at her resigned tone.

How hard to hold secrets, I wished I could just tell her.

"I'm... alright, nothing serious, don't worry" She nodded and turned to look at me again.

My eyes met her Grey ones and I stilled. It was another of those awkward moments again, the ones I despised but I just couldn't draw myself away.

"So... you're an apprentice here now?"

Lara

I sat with Remus for a while, we talked about ordinary things. I told him about my thoughts on being a healer and he seemed deeply impressed. He told me he had very little ideas for his future and I sensed a slight bitterness in his voice. I didn't question it, but filed it away in a mental folder named 'the Remus conundrum' for later use. We talked about studies and books we'd read.

I studied him constantly. He seemed exhausted and in pain; each movement he made was stiff and accompanied with a wince. His left arm was bandaged, though he tried to hide it beneath the covers. Dark circles rimmed his eyes. My heart was twisting.

There were moments of slight awkwardness, born from the knowledge of secrets between us and moments when I was caught staring at him – or he me. But other than that it was relaxing sitting there talking to him and I had to dull my laughter many times because Pomfrey didn't know I was here. I was smiling and so was he.

A little later I left him to change and we headed up to the common room in comfortable silence. My thoughts were not so soothing though. I unconsciously sensed every one of his flinches as he walked, there was a slight limp on his right leg and he was involuntarily rubbing his temple as if he had a headache. The stone halls were long and twisting ahead of us.

Everyone gave us funny looks when we walked into the common room, the Marauders included. They were looking at us with surprise, shock and uneasiness. Perhaps they thought I knew their secret – which I sort of did, or at least just a little.

Alex's eyebrows rose when he heard the story in my mind of what had happened and he too surveyed the blond next to me, concerned.

The look I saw on Lily's face was the most awkward though. Satisfaction, scheming, slyness. This one was not trustable, uh ow. I blushed under her suggestive look and she grinned. She was uneasily pressed between the window ledge and James and I gathered that he had trapped her. I waggled my eyebrows at her and she scowled.

That night, in my dorm, I opened my trunk and from its extended depths I pulled out a black case. Laying it on my bed, I opened it, as if it were a lost treasure. Inside, on black velvet, there laid a gorgeous violin. It was as familiar to me as my own hands and I ran a finger lovingly over the Latin inscription carved into the side.

Venimus ab astris

"We came from the stars" I whispered the Grey family motto quietly.

The violin had been handed down from generation to generation for years, each owner restoring or editing it with magic or craft. Most instruments played by Wizards were enhanced with magic; this one never had and never would. The only magic laid into the wood of this violin was of a different sort.

It was mine, only I could play it, save my aunt before me, being my father's sister. Any Grey could try, but the instrument would repel them, make playing it seem tiring and opposing. Everybody else wouldn't be able to make a single sound on it. That was the true magic of it; only one person per generation of the Grey lineage could ever wield this violin. Marilyn Grey had been the one before me and before her it had been my grandfather Everett Grey.

Father didn't know I had it. Marilyn had told me father had always admire the handsome violin for what it symbolised in the family but had never had the patience for music. My grandfather had tried to teach him how to play but he couldn't be bothered. "You must work for music; you cannot just pick up an instrument and expect to be able to play like a master. Your father didn't like feeling like a novice" She'd said. However, it was a Grey family heirloom and he would love to have his hands on it – even if he couldn't play it.

Alex had been jealous at first, I knew, but he'd got over it of course. After all, he didn't play violin as much as me and didn't enjoy it half as much as the piano.

In the case there was a small compartment that only the owner could open. It was about the size of pack of cards and inside… well, that was my secret.

I picked the violin up and felt reunite at the feel of its warmth. It and the bow felt like limb of my body, an extension. It was made of a dark red wood, varnished in black, which had become thin near the centre, allowing the natural red to come through. It was aged and yet timeless.