Disclaimer: The show Victorious, its characters and other associated trademarks are property of someone else and not me.
Okay here is chapter two guys. I need to mention there is some self-harming in this. I changed the rating to M just to be safe with the subject matter. Keep I hope you all enjoy it let me know what you think.
Jade's POV
I'm not sure how long I stood staring off into the space. I hung up with my mom after talking to her and figuring out funeral arrangements. I decided I didn't want anyone else to know about my father. I went home the next day to help my mom prepare for everything.
I went to the funeral alone besides my mom and sister and other family member's of my dad being there. My sister and mom cried on either side of me. I just sat there in a trance too numb to cry, too numb to feel anything.
After the funeral we all go out to breakfast at a local diner that doesn't get too busy during the weekdays so they can easily handle a large group. We all get some food and everyone chitchats sharing funny stories about my dad. I still am too numb to feel anything or speak though I notice my sister is rather quiet next to me.
I reach down and take her hand in mine giving it a squeeze. I see her out of the corner of my eye look up at me as tears stream down. I realized today that I need to figure out a way to spend more time with my family because I just never know when something could happen.
After the diner my mom, Lauren and I head back home to the empty house. I feel my heart clench walking through the door seeing one of my dad's jackets hanging on the coat hook. He is never going to come home from work grumbling about traffic while he hung up his coat and took off his jacket again. I shake my head cursing the world.
"Can we watch a movie?" Lauren asks me in a broken voice.
"Anything you want." I say as I walk towards my room in the basement with Lauren behind me.
Lauren went back upstairs real quick to grab her movie. To my horror she picked The Notebook but I watched it with no complaint.
"Thanks for sitting through that movie with me, we can watch one of your horrifying horror movies now." Lauren said taking out the DVD. I couldn't help but give her a half smile.
"Okay, but it is not my fault if you have nightmares tonight." I say putting The Scissoring in. I have made her suffer through this movie many times and she always was a big baby and ended up sleeping in my room most times.
After The Scissoring was over Lauren said she was headed out for the night to see her friends.
"Do you think it will ever get better? It hurts so bad Jade." Lauren says turning to me before leaving my room, tears forming in my eyes.
"I hope so. I really hope so." I say feeling my eyes burn. "I love you Lauren, I don't ever tell you but I do.
"I know you do Jade. I love you too you big Goth scissor loving freak." Lauren says smiling through her tears. I feel a few tears leak form my eye before pulling her into my arms.
"Be careful driving."
"Okay mom. I'll see you tomorrow." Lauren pulls back and runs upstairs to get ready and leave for her friends.
I turn on some scare show and numbly watch it sad that Lauren left not that I would ever guilt her into staying with me and not seeing her friends. It's my own fault I don't have friends here with me now.
I don't know how long I stared at the TV but suddenly someone I never expected to see came into my room. Before I knew what was happening Tori had her arms around me. This meant she knew. Her sudden engulfing hug made me want to cry again so instead I let anger control me.
"Who told you?" I snap pushing her off from me. I wasn't angry at her it was just everything and the fact that my dad was taken form me when we finally had a relationship. "Who told you Vega?" I ask again with venom. "No one was supposed to know otherwise I would have told them but did I? NO!" I couldn't help the yelling.
"My dad was on the scene Jade, he told me. I'm so sorry I didn't tell anyone else. I just flew out here as soon as I could. I tried calling you but you didn't answer or call back." Tori said gripping both my hands in hers. I should be happy she is willing to comfort me after everything.
"You shouldn't have come. Glad to see you unblocked my number though." I sneered getting up and away from her. After we broke up I figured out that Tori blocked my number not that I blamed her.
I walk into my bathroom that is connected right to my room trying to calm myself down. Seeing Tori after all this is just sent a spiral of emotions through me. Why does she still care about me?
"Jade, I know you are upset but you can't deal with this alone. You need someone." I hear Tori say through the door. I
I flew out as soon as I could.
"So you think I need you to help me through this? Wow Vega full of yourself much? Just leave I don't need anyone especially not you!" I snap t Tori who has a calm face one. Why can't she just hate me?
"Jade." She says too calmly
"Why do you even care Tori? I have been rotten to you. I dumped you last summer and told you I don't even want anything to do with you. I didn't want you to come here or I would have called. Stop trying to find the heart I don't have in my chest! I HATE YOU STOP CARING, why can't you just leave me alone?" Tori suddenly slaps me across the face. I hold my cheek in utter shock.
"I will not be your verbal punching bag Jade. I still care because I am a fucking idiot and still am in love with you Jade!" Vega says through tears.
Suddenly I'm crying, I'm just bawling my eyes out falling to my knees on the floor and Tori is holding me tight.
"He's gone. We finally had a relationship and he is just taken from me. God Tori it hurts so fucking much." I cry out grabbing Tori tightly. Tori is right I need someone I need her. I have always needed her.
After I finally calm down slightly I look up at Tori an god she looks so beautiful then suddenly I am kissing her and she is kissing me back and everything happens so fast.
The next morning I wake up in Tori's arms and we are both naked. I can't help but admire how beautiful she is. I should tell her how I actually feel, the truth for once. I see her start stirring and then open her eyes to look at me.
"Morning." I say with a smirk. I am sitting up leaning up against the headboard not caring that my naked chest is uncovered by the sheet.
"Morning." Tori says before stretching. I can't help but smirk as the sheet moves down as she stretches showing off her small but amazing boobs. "How are you feeling?" She asks staying where she is laying but not bothering to fix the sheet. I wish it could be like this everyday but even if I admit the truth what would that change? I know she told me last night she was still in love with me but was that even enough? Would she even want to be with me? She seemed so happy with Dylan.
"I'm alright." Tori just gave me a look that said she didn't believe me. "I'll be alright."
"Why didn't you tell anyone? You had no one at the funeral."
I knew she was really asking why didn't tell her.
"I was too numb and I just didn't want Beck or Cat there, Andre and Robbie well we aren't exactly friends anymore and with you well everything that happened last time I saw you I just couldn't bother you with this. I didn't deserve you to drop everything for me." I say looking off to the side. The guilt with her eats me alive. I should just tell her how I feel because life is short and I don't want anything to happen to her without knowing how I really feel.
"Jade, I would have been there fro you no matter what. I " She was suddenly interrupted by her phone.
"Oh my god. It's Dylan. Oh my god I cheated on her." Tori says looking horrified.
"You better get that." I say acidly letting my anger get the best of me before getting up to use the bathroom.
"Hi babe. I miss you too." I just shake my head while I pee.
"Yeah she is doing alright. Yeah I'll be there to pick you up later. I can't wait to see you either. I'll see you later bye. Love you too." I hear Vega hang up as I flush the toilet sand wash my hands.
I walk out to see Vega sitting on the side of the bed with her face in her hands. I walk over throwing on some shorts and a shirt while she sits on the edge of the bed like a statute. I stand there watching her for a few minutes before saying anything.
"Would you like some coffee?" I ask finally Tori looks up at me with regret. Why would she stay with me is she is this upset over last night? She obviously loves Dylan more than me.
"What am I going to do Jade? I cheated on Dylan, she is going to be crushed," Tori says as tears spill over.
"Well she never has to know Vega. I wouldn't tell her, it can be our dirty little secret. We wouldn't want to hurt her." I say through gritted teeth. "Now do you want coffee before you go?" I ask.
"Before I go?" Tori asks in shock.
"Yeah, it's obvious last night was a huge mistake. I wasn't in the right mind. So I figured you could have some coffee then you can leave and forget this ever happened and be happy with Dylan." I try to hide the venom in my voice.
"But Jade."
"Tori, I heard you on the phone, I'm giving you an out. If you want to tell Dylan that's on you but you don't have to you can just pretend this didn't happen. You are happy with Dylan and deserve someone who cares and loves you. I'm sorry I took advantage of you last night Tori. Now come have some coffee before you leave." I say before turning so Tori won't see my tears.
"Jade, I'm sorry." Tori says looking down.
"You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm going to just spend some time with my mom and sister today. Go be happy Tori." I say walking out of my room and upstairs.
Tori and I sat in the dining room drinking coffee with her telling me about school. When she left she gave me a tight hug telling me that I could call her for anything. I watch sadly as she walked out the door. Maybe one day I could be just friends with her.
"So how did things go with Tori last night? Sorry I just was here when she knocked on the door." Lauren says after coming into my room.
"I fucked up. I yelled at her, and then I slept with her Lauren. Then instead o telling her how I felt I let her go thinking I am still a heartless bitch. Her girlfriend called her and she was heartbroken over the fact she cheated on her and I heard her tell her she loved her and Tori wouldn't just say that. Fuck, Lauren she deserves to be happy so I just said to not tell Dylan and to stay with her because she deserves someone who loves her and cares about her. I'm too fucked up and emotionally broken for her. I don't deserve her." I didn't even know I had started crying until Lauren wiped my tears from under my eyes.
"Come here." Lauren said pulling me into her and hugging me tightly. "You deserve to be happy too Jade, you should have just told her how you feel. Tori still loves you I could tell when she came over last night she was so worried. Jade she came all the way here even after the shit last spring break. You aren't fucked up, or emotionally broken but you should trust her not to hurt you Jade and trust her to stick it out even if there is a distance between you. One day Tori isn't going to come back and you are going to lose your chance."
"Dylan is apparently flying here for Thanksgiving break. So I'll have to wait." I still hugging Lauren.
"Come on let's go see what moms doing and drag her to the new horror movie we can trick her last like last time." Lauren says causing me to smile and think back to when we tricked our mom to see the last Saw movie. Let's just say after we left and she was looking pretty sick and pale she grounded us both for a month. Of course we didn't follow our rules.
"Mom, come on we want to go to a movie, you have been working too much since the funeral take a break." We say as we enter her office.
"Okay girls, but you better not take me to another horror movie. I still have nightmares from the other one."
"Oh don't be such a baby mom, this movie isn't even scary compared to Saw."
We all get ready and head off to the movies. Lauren and I do convince our mom to go to the horror movie, though we didn't trick her this time. We all have a goodtime sharing popcorn and laughing whenever Lauren and my mom got scared. I smile to myself as we leave. I really wish my dad was still with us and it's going to hurt for a long time and I'll never get over it but I'm glad I still have my mom and Lauren here with me.
After Thanksgiving break I sadly had to say goodbye to Lauren and my mom. Thanksgiving was a day filed with tears. I finally told Beck and Cat they were shocked that I didn't tell them so they could be at the funeral but I wasn't lying when I told Tori that I was numb. I didn't see Tori over break again which was good because I couldn't see her with Dylan and be okay. I gave my mom and Lauren a hug goodbye saying I would let them know when I got back safe and would see them in a few weeks at Christmas time.
When I get back to my apartment I go back to school and work the next day. This time throwing myself into school and work is to distract me from my dad being gone. I know that he would want me to work hard to get my degree and save money. It was sad to be back at my apartment. After spending so much time with Lauren again it was sad to be alone. I just find myself suddenly drinking alcohol I had someone buy me.
The weeks leading up to Christmas break pass in a blur between doing final projects, studying, working and drinking. By the time it was time to go home for Christmas break I'm probably close to an alcoholic. The first night I go home and Cat and Beck come over I convince them to drink with me so I look like less of an alcoholic.
I felt like I was living a nightmare. My dad was dead. It had been a few weeks since he died and I just couldn't help but drink to numb the pain, of him and Tori.
After hanging out with Lauren, Beck and Cat they start to notice my heavy drinking. And finally on Christmas Eve when they are all over Lauren has finally had enough.
"You know Jade, I miss him too." Lauren says walking up to me in the living room. I was nursing my 5th maybe 6th drink of the night? I definitely had a problem.
"I don't doubt you do." I say rudely and walk away from her. I was hoping to go find Beck or Cat to get away form her but I just decided to head down stairs to my room for a little bit.
"Jade, don't walk away from me." Lauren says following me down to my room. "I know you miss him but there is no reason to become a drunk." I lost it.
"Don't tell me what I can or can't do Lauren, you are not my mom."
"Jade please?" I just lost my dad too but I can't stand the person my sister is because of the alcohol and I have no one else who knows exactly what I am going through to talk to." Lauren says tears forming in her eyes.
I may seem bitchy, and not caring to most people, but I care about my sister, she is my best friend. Lauren also always knew how to guilt me.
"Jade, please I know it hurts but you are hurting me by doing this. I need my sister, not the nasty girl she has become from drinking." Lauren has such a sad broken voice it hurts my heart I didn't even realize how bad I had gotten
"I'm so sorry Lauren. I haven't even though of what I was doing to you, or even mom. I have only been thinking of myself and trying to numb the pain." I put my head in my hands sitting down on my bed. "I just wanted to numb the pain Lauren, I'm so sorry." I say through tears that have started to stream down my face.
My emotions I have been trying to run from have finally sprung free. I feel Lauren wrap her arms around me and start crying into my shoulder as well.
"Will it ever stop hurting? Dad or Tori?" I ask through a broken voice.
"I hope so, but I'll always be here Jade remember that." Lauren says squeezing me tighter.
"I'll try to stop with the drinking, I really will." I say when we have both finally calmed down.
For the next week I hang out with Lauren mostly, and sometimes Beck or Cat or all of them together. I'm hoping I can maybe see Tori. Hopefully Dylan won't be back so I can admit the truth to her. Lauren thinks I just need to tell her the truth even if we don't get back together. One day Cat, Beck and I went to get some coffee at a new place that open by Hollywood Arts.
"So how would you feel about a gang hang out at Karaoke Dokie again? This Friday?" Beck asks me while we are hanging out in my room.
"I don't know. I want to see Tori but I don't know if I am ready."
"Why weren't you just honest with her Jade?"
"I don't want to talk about this Beck." I snap before turning towards him.
"Jade." Beck says sadly.
"Just stop Beck." I say not looking from the TV to him.
"At least think about it."
"Fine."
I do think about it and then Lauren convinces me to go. So I do. Cat and Beck pick me up again and we all ride together. I sit quietly thinking of what I am going to say to Tori if she is even alone.
I walk in to see Andre and Robbie over at the soda bar and Tori sitting at a table alone. This is great. I walk over to the table.
"Hey Vega." Tori looks at me and smiles.
"Hey jade, how is everything going for you?" She asks and I sit down next to her.
"Things are getting better." I say honestly and I look in her eyes. I'm going to do it and if she doesn't feel the same than at least I know. "Tori." I stop before saying anything else as Dylan walks up to the table.
"Hi Jade." She says politely giving me a smile.
"Hi." I say about to get up before Beck and Cat come join us all at the table.
Andre and Robbie follow shortly after saying hi to me. They tell me they were sorry to hear about my dad and then ask about school and update me on their lives.
I get up at some point to get a soda while Tori and Cat are singing up on stage.
"Jade."
I turn around to see Dylan standing behind me.
"That's me." I say trying to not being rude even though I don't want to talk to her.
"Tori told me about the cheating. It wasn't cool of you to sleep with someone else's girlfriend, one that you let go because you claimed to not love her. I know your father died and you weren't in the right state of mind but still you took advantage of Tori's old feelings for you."
"I told her it was a mistake and meant nothing. I'm not trying to steal her from you."
"You could, easily Jade, I'm not stupid I know how she still feels about you. I could treat her better though. I love her and am not afraid to tell her my feelings or be there for her. Tori deserves to be with someone who won't toy with her emotions and lead her on then crush her the next day. I know she still loves you but I am willing to fight for her feelings in hopes one day she will love me that way. It is probably pathetic but I can't help it. I love her enough to look past the cheating." Dylan says looking at me sadly.
"Shouldn't this be Tori's idea not yours?" I snap getting angry.
"I can promise to love her, can you promise her that? Can you promise not to get scared and hurt her and push her away again Jade, because I can. If you want to keep hurting her by playing with her feelings then go pretend to care about her and steal her away. She has someone right now that loves her and isn't afraid to. Do you even have real feelings for her? Or did you just sleep with her because she is falling for someone else and you want her to love you but not have to be with her? If any part of you truly cares about her or even loves her slightly let her go and be happy. I won't make her stay with me if she doesn't want to be with me but don't just steal her away from me because you can." Dylan says before walking away from me back over to Tori.
I walk back to the table with my soda and sit quietly next to Beck. I watch how happy Tori seems with Dylan. I can't hurt Tori anymore. I have to let her go.
I only hang around for a little bit more before I call the girl I met last year, Roxi, for a ride because I just can't take watching Tori and Dylan anymore. I say quick goodbyes to everyone and go to wait outside for Roxi.
"Jade." I hear someone say my name as I wait outside. I turn around to see Beck.
"What?" I ask not having my usual tone.
"Why are you leaving early again? "
"I'm just tired and have a lot on my mind." I say not looking at him.
"Jade, what did Dylan say to you?"
"She just roved a point that Tori is better off with her. She is right I just hurt Tori and was too afraid to just love her. She loves Dylan I heard her say it on the phone the day after we slept together. She wouldn't just say it." I say turning from Beck why can't everyone just leave me alone about this.
"Jade." Beck starts but Roxi pulls up in her car.
"Hey hot stuff ready to go?" She says leaning over towards the open window.
"I didn't know you had a girlfriend." Beck says with a disappointed tone.
"She isn't but I am single so I can do what or who I want." I say nonchalantly. "Have a good night Beck." I get in the car and give Roxi a kiss. This is me letting Tori go.
Roxi takes us back to her house for some fun ad drinks. I call Lauren after Roxy falls asleep because I am just not doing a sleepover. I wish I had my car because I just don't want to have to explain to Lauren why I am at this chick's house and not Karaoke Dokie with the gang.
"So explain." Lauren says immediately when I get in the car.
"Dylan was there, telling me how she is better for Tori and she is right. Tori deserves someone who loves her so I am letting her be happy."
"What the fuck is wrong with you Jade. Seriously. I just ugh you are so fucking frustrating sometimes I could just punch you."
"Just drop it. It's over and done with Lauren." I say looking out the window thinking of how stupid I was two summers ago. But really, what if Tori really did just love Dylan now, would it have made any difference? Would she have met Dylan and fell for her anyways. Maybe it would have been worse.
When we arrived home I grumbled out a thanks to Lauren before going to my room to hide. I wanted to go back to my apartment maybe even move further away I also wanted to drink heavily. I withheld the urge to drink because I had to at least try not to fuck up my relationship with Lauren. I hadn't drunk since Christmas Eve. I just shut my eyes and willed myself to sleep. The slightly good feeling I had was just ripped away and I know it is my own doing. Maybe my mom and Lauren could just move by me we could all have a fresh start.
The last couple of weeks of break pass by and again I'm back to hanging out with Lauren, Beck or Cat. I don't talk to Andre or Robbie, and I definitely don't talk to Tori. They don't bring up Tori to me after the night at Karaoke Dokie. I start getting ready to leave to go back to school. I am packing my stuff when there is a knock on the door.
"Jade." Beck says at my door.
"Beck, what's up?"
"I needed to tell you something and I wanted to tell you face to face. Dylan gave Tori a promise ring. I know you are sick of hearing us talk to you about it but this is your last chance. You should go over there and tell her how you feel before she goes back to school and actually does forget about you."
"It's too late Beck. I appreciate you telling me but I just need to move on with my life as does she."
"Jade please."
"Beck just stop. It's done. I need to finish packing everything I have a shift at the coffee house tomorrow." I say turning from him to throw something in my bag. It hurts. Tori accepted the sing. Even if I told her how I felt it didn't matter she is Dylan's now I lost my chance.
"Well have a safe trip back. Maybe Cat and I can visit again."
"I hope you can. Bye Beck." I give her a hug.
The rest of the day I spend with Lauren and my mom. They are sad I am going back to school but understand. I was happy I could get some time off to spend with them for Christmas.
I get back to my apartment even more depressed than I was last time I came back from break. I hate myself. I ruined my chance with Tori but who was I kidding I would never have been good enough for her. It is amazing she could have loved me at all. I pour myself a drink and I walk over to my nightstand and open the drawer pulling out a little razor. I roll up my pant leg putting the razor to my skin. I am lucky no one has caught on that I am doing this. I have been cutting since the night I broke it off with Tori. I don't do it all the time just when I get really stressed or upset about Tori. This is definitely one of those times.
I watched with interest as the blood slipped down my leg before walking to the bathroom and wiping it up.
The weeks following the break I tried not to drink and screw up my work but I couldn't help the cutting. It helped me release my stress. I can't believe how bad I screwed up with Tori.
I hadn't told anytime I had been cutting since the night I dumped Tori. I didn't do it much until lately. I was this or drink and at least with this I could function at school and work. I was shocked I still even had a job.
I tried to throw myself back into school and work and sometimes that could help me to not cut but then something at school would stress me out or something would remind me of Tori and I would find the blade to my skin again.
I couldn't help but think of how Tori would end up married to Dylan. I tried to not think about them but every so often I would have them pop into my head. I wonder how Tori was, if she was happy, she probably was happier than I could ever make her.
After about two months of being back at school I thought I had finally started controlling myself with the cutting. That was until I had a project that was really stressing me out. I couldn't get the script right. We were supposed to have a happy ending about love and I just couldn't write it correctly because I don't have a happy ending. I found myself with the blade on my wrist slicing down and very deep. It was a Friday night and I didn't feel like going out or seeing people, which was mistake one.
As I was making a second cut thinking about if I just sliced a little harder, a little deeper I could kill myself and I would be out of my misery the door to my apartment open and there stood a shocked Lauren catching me in the middle of cutting.
"Oh my fucking god Jade! Are you trying to kill yourself!" Lauren screamed rushing over to me taking my wrist in her hand. Well I wasn't actually trying to kill myself but the damaged was done.
Lauren looked back up at me with tears in her eyes.
"What the fuck Jade!" Lauren says through tears.