Lara

A week and a half had passed since the after party and the news of Alex and Elaine's kiss seemed to have spread around the school. Unfortunately the effect was not at all to my brothers liking. Half the girl population of Hogwarts now had it in their fluffy heads that Alex was now 'open for business', and we had to endure the constant whispering of their undying love – verbally and non-verbally. It was like Sirius all over again. What was even worse though was the fact that they all seemed to feel exceedingly sorry for him, due to the fact the very next day Elaine had hooked up with some boy in her year and they all believed him to be heartbroken.

"You'd have thought I walked around the school with tears in my eyes by the way they act" He whispered to me as we walked past wide the sympathetic eyes of a group of girls. We were walking down a busy corridor on the way to Transfiguration.

I snorted in agreement.

I feel so sorry for him. That Levet girl is such a bitch. Pretty grey eyes. Maybe he needs a helping hand. And oh that ass! A chance encounter in a deserted corridor. I heard he's a great kisser. That Levet girl is such a whore – didn't I always say she was. Do I have a chance? Yummy! I wonder if he doesn't like blonds. Silky silver hair. Almost as good as Black if you ask me. How could Elaine ditch this guy! Oh I would!

The thoughts pushed at my head were making me feel ill. I heard Alex groan.

"I have no idea how Siri can stand this" He muttered rubbing his pounding head.

"Yes well lucky for him he doesn't have the same ah... perception and you and me" I replied sending the corridor of girls a glare.

Entering the class room with a thankful sigh I went and sat next to Lily while Alex joined the boys at the back.

I was doing my DADA homework in the dormitory. Everyone was in the common room and I had escaped from the noise to finish my essay. Remus was tired again. I couldn't believe how fast a month had gone, to think that already I would have to watch as he slowly become more and more weak. I couldn't do it! It was driving me insane; to always see the dark shadow on him, to feel the fatigue tugging at his mind, to feel even more predominantly that sense of differentness. I didn't even know what it was! I had stared at my list countless times and it just wouldn't come. It was staring me in the face, I knew, mocking me, plaguing me as sure as it plagued him – but I was blind! I felt close to tears. I was just too stressed.

Our teachers were going crazy with our NEWT's 'on their way', I mean please! We had more than a year and already we were being hounded with so much homework that I barely had a moment to myself that combined with the continuing Quidditch practices. I didn't need to worry about Remus to be stressed.

I stared out of the window. Venimus ab astris. We came from the stars. And there they were, glistening like solidified light in the canvas of the sky. They were like my family, like my ancestors looking down on me, soothing. The stars always comforted me and my brother; they smiled lovingly down at us and healed the sores on our hearts with their lonely song. It was so quiet up there, in the dark.

The moon was nearly full, in a few days it would be a round disk in the heavens. How ironic my thoughts whispered to me when my essay is about werewolves. I thought it so sad to imagine all of the people who would be forced through that painful transformation in just a… few days… time...

Just a few days time.

"Oh Merlin"

It stabbed me. No. Oh Merlin, no! It couldn't be. It couldn't be.

I jumped to my feet and furiously grabbed my diary and yanked out the folded paper hidden there.

"No..."

His mind feels different.Once a month he and his friends disappear for a night, saying they're visiting his mother.Several nights before he finds it difficult to sleep and he's stressed.He came back exhausted and with wounds.He's got lots of scars.He's bitter about leaving school.He doesn't date.He has blond hair, pale skin and his eyes are pale blue, with gold dusting.He's a part of the Marauders.He loves to read.He's a prefect.His nickname is Moony.

Moony. Moon. I was frozen and tears welled in my eyes. I was shocked. It had been obvious. It had been staring me in the face. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think.

"Oh Remus..." I whispered as the tears burst from the corners of my eyes.

Maybe there was another explanation. Maybe...

No, I could feel the truth in my bones and flesh, in my heart. I knew it was true. His thoughts - that tinge of difference. The bitterness. The pain and shadow. The medicine Poppy gives him, I knew now what it was – form stabilisation – perfect for a werewolf after a full moon.

Werewolf.

I tried the word on my tongue. Tasting the way it felt. My Remus. The mystery that burrowed in my heart. Werewolf. What do I do? What can I do? Do I tell him I know? How will I be able to look him in the face again? He's no monster; he's just Remus, just Remus. No wonder he wouldn't tell me. No wonder he doesn't date. The idiot.

Well I didn't care. I knew what prejudice was, I knew it was a load of poppycock. It was just like the pure blood supremacy. I wouldn't let it get in the way of the person I loved.

I loved...?

I love him.

I Love him.

Wow.

Talk about information overload; I pressed my fingers to my temple. I loved him, I Larissa Petra Grey, daughter of Alexander oh-so-pure Grey, the madman of Germany, Death Eater and a complete bastard, was in love with a Werewolf. Ha! Father would be so pissed off if he only knew! I mean honestly! A Werewolf! That was practically worse than a Muggle-born in his book!

Oh. Shite.

Remus

We were in the middle of talking when I felt the change in Alex. It was sudden, he was halfway through a sentence when he stopped a look of surprise on his face and his eyes misted over. It must be Lara, I thought with a worried twang in my chest.

"Al? You ok mate?" Sirius asked in a worried voice.

Alex seemed to snap back to us, though he still looked shocked. His eyes zapped to me and he looked away fast but I had seen it. Did he know? Did she know? They had been filled with shock and softness. What did that mean? They couldn't know could they?

"Nothing... nothing" he said looking away, though I could see a smile tugging at his lips. No, that wasn't the reaction from finding out; I thought with a satisfied and yet strangely empty feeling.

How I wished I could just tell her: to be able to look at her knowing that I held no secrets between us. This lie was like a stone wall separating me from her. But I couldn't do it! I could tell her! I would be risking her turning from me in fear. Disgust. Regret. Pain. Denial. It all accounted to the same thing.

I couldn't.

I got no sleep last night. I was one of the first in the great hall for breakfast just because I was so bored of lying in bed tossing and turning, staring up at the curtains of my four poster bed. I'd lazily dumped several pieces of toast on my plate and slapped a bit of marmalade on it. I couldn't really taste it though, it was just ash in my mouth. I grabbed a bit of fruit instead. And coffee. It was disgusting stuff really, but it gave me a needed kick. Surveying my timetable I groaned at seeing Ancient Runes and Potions. It's not that I disliked them; it just meant I would have to attempt to do some actually thinking today.

I watched as my friends came in. James and Peter were in front, whispering together suspiciously and Alex and Sirius just behind laughing at some joke. They all sat down and began piling their plates with food, while I sipped my coffee – three sugars, no milk. Ugh. I saw Alex's eye sweep over me, much the same as Lara did every month at full moon. He seemed to linger on the bags that had probably appeared under my eyes. It turned away with a frown that was so much like Lara's I almost chuckled.

Next to arrive were Lily and Alice (plus Frank), then Amy and Tabby charged in as every morning (Tabby out of breath and red – Amy skipping all the way). But no Lara.

Where was she? Was she ill? Is she okay? Did it have anything to do with the way Alex acted last night? Should I try and find her? Do I ask Alex – he'd know? Or Lily?

Maybe I should –

"Lara's fine. She's doing a job for Pomfrey before classes" Alex interrupted my thought stream and I blushed at being caught out. He must have sensed my thoughts.

See, I was worrying over nothing…

Lara

I was scared to see him. I felt like if I did, if I had to hear his voice like I could in my head, if I had to look into those eyes… I felt like I'd burst. My own secret.

Hi Remus, I love you and I don't care you're a werewolf.

Yes, that would be great wouldn't it? And knowing me it would be in front of the entire school. What a perfect way to express my feelings – at the same time as breaking his trust.

Surely he'd see it in my eyes even if I didn't tell him. I was burning with renewed worry and desperate feelings I didn't know how to control. I was so knew to this… thing inside me, this feeling that burnt in my veins that twisted my heart. It was in every breath I took, tight like the breath of someone who is nervous. I could feel the word constantly bubbling to my lips, a slight flick of the tongue, I could practically taste it. Love.

I pushed the books back onto the shelves. I was helping out the librarian, a stern but kindly old woman with sharp precise eyes. She would rabble on about the most random things in a hushed raspy whisper, bless her. You could always hear her coming by the soft twittering of her lips.

Okay. I was in love, yes, but I had been for a while. For quite a long while really, now that I thought about it… When had it started? Perhaps it had been in that first week when he'd found me having one of my episodes? Or maybe it was on the train? That quite boy in the corner who seemed to get to the route of the problem first off. He'd known then that Alex and I didn't like our father, he'd steered the attention away from us, after whispering quietly in my ear. Was it then? Perhaps the seed had been planted then, then slowly grew into the fresh vivid plant that it was now. Perhaps someday it would mature into a mature tree, an oak… if he let it…

But maybe it would die. Perhaps it would be swashed. What if he doesn't feel the same way? What if he pushes me away? What if?

What if he didn't love me?

I sighed; it was pointless thinking this way.

I tried to act normal during Ancient Runes but it was difficult with him less that a foot away. I could feet his thigh brush mine now and then – very distracting. Unsurprisingly he was exhausted; I thought many times that he would simply fall asleep then and there. Tonight was full moon. I'd taken the liberty of writing down all the full moons this year in my diary this morning.

I could see Lily eyeing us on my other side. She was curious at the sudden change.

The day dragged…

Alex

Full moon.

The significance of it was bright in our minds as we both stared out of the windows of our separate dorms. I was worried for Remus, though not nearly as much as Lara who seemed to be have a minor panic attack. But he wasn't alone; the other Marauders were with him. How was that possible? It was much too dangerous for the boys to be there in the presence of a werewolf. How could they be with him? How were they safe?

I was alone again in my dorm while they were all out there doing whatever they were doing. Meanwhile I stared out the window at the moon and stars and thought about Sirius Black.

We had both been brought up by a pure-blood dark-magic family and we had both gone against their will and been placed in Gryffindor. We enjoyed the same things, though he was a lot more confident than me and didn't set so much in store for the rules - I know – that was an understatement. He was obviously a ladies-man and girls swooned over him. I knew girls liked me too, the last few weeks proved it. But, even if it didn't make me feel ill, I wasn't interested.

I'd never really been very interested in girls. I went out with them, kissed them and held their hands but I always knew it wouldn't last. I just did it to seem normal and to pass the time. Perhaps it had something to do with having a girl for a twin sister and sharing her thoughts all the time. I knew how girls thought and she knew how boys thought and from that we both tended to show some of the characteristics of the opposite genre. Girls were no mystery for me. I knew what they looked like, I had grown up with that, and I didn't really understand the attraction others felt for them. I could appreciate beauty but that was all.

That moment with Elaine… it had been so long since I'd even tried to do the whole façade thing. I can't see how I did it now. I would compare it to a very straight man being forced to kiss another man e.g. just damn weird and a little sickening.

I knew I was gay.

It had taken me a long time to accept it. Lara had helped me, of course, like she always would and I had slowly come to understand it. But I still blocked it out. It was uncomfortable because I could hear in their thoughts how very straight they were and I knew they would cringe away. It would make me feel so lonely…

So I blocked it out and suffered to dating girls and spending time with them. I could do that, I'd been doing it all my life.

Darien had broken my defences though. He had stared at me with those dark eyes; his hand would brush my hand, my shoulder, my leg, sending shivers down my spine. We'd been friends for years, since we were children, but our companionship had altered. It had been a gradual change that meant when we first stole a secret kiss it wasn't really a surprise to either of us. His lips had burnt mine and his hot delicious skin had made me feel things I'd never felt before. We'd meet secretly in the night, just to touch and kiss and try to suffice the overwhelming passion that twisted our hearts. There had been close shaves, moments when I thought somebody would find us but fate held our path safe. Those months had been overwhelming.

Then that fateful summer came. He told me his parents wanted to take him to England, he was worried at what they wanted to show him. He'd never been a fan of the DE's though it hadn't been so bad back then. We'd had our private goodbye previously so when his parents came to pick him up we simply clapped each other on our shoulders. Lara had given him a hug and a radiant smile and then he was off. We'd watched as they had apparated away, him hold his fathers arm.

And then he came back and I didn't know him. His mind was shielded and he'd become colder and tenser. I hadn't thought much about it at first, I was just so happy to have him back. We'd continue our affair and when his lips were on mine his defences would fall and I felt the raw passion still there. But he was sad too and nervous; I didn't understand it but when I asked he avoided all my questions.

Finally everything had crashed down.

And he'd planned it all. It was so perfectly orchestrated, so carefully concealed and all the loopholes sealed. He'd known what would happen. He'd know. Pain beyond pain. I'd suffered it before, on the end of a wand but nothing matched having my heart smashed. It would have been bad enough if he just told me he'd never loved me, I'd know he was lying but it would have hurt enough to rival any curse. But no. He taken my heart, threw it to the floor, then he'd taken a knife and cut it up and threw its mutilated fragments at the walls for all to see. The spectators had crowed and kicked me away.

Lara had helped me pick myself off the floor, even though she herself had been cursed for my pain. My shame. She'd helped my sew my poor heart back together and we continued our lives till all but us had forgotten the reason I was no longer acceptable company.

It changed me. I locked my compassion away behind heavy locks and steel and complex spells. I pushed everything into the back of my mind. I wouldn't be the cause for my sister's pain again. I wouldn't let myself be tricked into love. Not again.

But here was Sirius Black mixing my emotions up and finding his way through the hair line fractures of my shield.

I felt all tingly just thinking about him. I saw his dark eyes meeting mine, that moment of stillness when they met that silenced everything around us. The heat of his hand brushing against mine, such an innocent touch and yet not, was so much more even than Darien. He seemed alive with energy all the time! Always smiling and laughing, always in the moment and just so free. It made me feel so light.

Then there was always that feeling of not knowing how he felt for me. He liked girls, he'd dated them before many times and I'd never heard a whisper of him perhaps liking the other gender. I just didn't know what to think, what to presume. Was I just one of the guys? Was I just a mate, a friend, like James and Remus and Pete? I didn't know what I would do if he got a girlfriend and I'd have to pretend I didn't care. Why would I care if I was just his friend?

When we had first met I had felt his attraction to Lara and it had made me jealous. I knew Lara would never fall for him, she was in love with Lupin, but it had still made me jealous. When we got to know him though, I began to feel a slight confusion with him when he looked at my sister. It was a weird emotion, and strange mixed up thoughts had got him there and I couldn't figure it out. Confusion isn't a strong emotion, exasperation or obsession is, but not confusion, so I couldn't hear him. I felt guilty for wanting to hear his thoughts. To break into another's mind deliberately is a violation and a shameful act, it's like a mental rape. You are taking something from someone which should always be their own. Thoughts are a person's safe box; they should never have to fear a person can hear them there.

Of course me and my sister can't help but break this code that we made for our self so we make as much effort possible to block people's thoughts away.

But I was desperate to know what it was he was confused about. I was too embarrassed to ask him though. What if the questions let to awkward revelations about my sexuality and attraction to him? I valued my friendship with these Marauders so much. Remus the recently discovered guilty werewolf, it would be impossible to dislike him sharing Lara's thoughts all the time. Peter with his quiet smile and carefree chuck. James with his cocky grins and lazy attitude, I could feel the devotion and kindness in his thoughts toward his friends and, of course, Lily. And Sirius.

Ugh, Alex can you shut up and go to sleep? I can't rest when I can hear your constant feelings for Black. Just talk to him, will you – in the morning that is. I'm already finding it hard to sleep without having to listen to your obsessions.Lara's annoyed thoughts broke into my ravine.

I chuckled.

Your one to talk sister, and I'm sure Remus is fine It's not his first full moon – as you well know.

That's hardly the point though is it?

No, I suppose not…

do you think we will ever separate our minds?

She seemed shocked at this turn in the conversation and I felt her skim through my feelings.

I… I don't know. I don't think about that sort of thing, I avoid it. I just can't imagine it. I mean I know it can get a little awkward… with things… but I don't know whether I could sacrifice it. I would just be weird.

I know what you mean…

But? Is that what you want?

I was only thinking. We're constantly interrupting each other's sleep and we have very little independence from each other. Whatever happens to you I feel and vice versa. Perhaps it would be easier if we could just block each other... you know when we want some privacy…

I felt her become panicked, though I knew she understood my side of the argument, it scared her.

I suppose. I mean – but – yeah. I just don't know. I don't know how to live without you! How would it feel to be quiet in my head, not to know where you are at least? What if it becomes permanent?

I sighed and rested my forehead against the cold window pane.

I know. Perhaps we should talk about this later, let's go to sleep for now shall we?

I felt her accent and I climbed ruefully into bed.

It took a long time for us to fall asleep that night.

So then... what do you think? too cheesy? I wrote half of this chapter after I had finished chapter.. 2 or 3? something like that. I had already planned and written most of the things that are coming from now, so hopefully updating should be a bit faster - not to mention it's Easter holidays now. But that also the reason why some things may be a bit contrasting to what I've already written. Well hope you liked it... Reviews are much loved on this side of the screen :)