To Find

Lara

It was the first of December and in less than three weeks we would be going 'home'. Less than three weeks. I found myself close to hyperventilating every time I thought about it. Alex was infuriated at the development with Regulus and I had to try very hard to get him to keep his mouth from blabbering it to Sirius. I can only imagine the consequences of that action...

We were waiting for mother's letter, we knew it would come and we were dreading it. We'd be going back to him. To that cold house in London we had seen briefly before boarding the Hogwarts express. To our newly initiated Death Eater father. What would he do to us for being put in Gryffindor?

I shivered and not because of the cold.

Walking down into the common room I searched for the Marauders. I was going to talk to Remus. I had been pushing myself to do this for a long time, ignoring every doubt. Remus would never start anything with me; perhaps he thought he didn't deserve it? Perhaps he thought I would never go near him if I found out. It seemed stupid to me. I'd go up to him and simple ask him to walk with me. Right now I really did not care what anyone thought of that request. It was passed curfew, being eleven o'clock, but I didn't particularly care about that either, worst comes to worse I'll cast a disillusionment charm on us. I'd become pretty good at it because Alex used it so much to see Irvine and whatever he learnt, I learnt.

Seeing the group of boys however I frowned. Where was he? Remus wasn't there and I knew for a fact he wasn't in his dorm.

"Hey guys, where's Remus?" I asked them.

They looked up at me and I saw three identically (a freaky) smirks on their faces. It was as if they knew exactly what my plan was. The exception was Alex, who did know and just nodded at me.

You're going to tell him?

I nodded back.

"When are you?" I smirked directing my thoughts onto the boy next to him so that his face flashed in our thoughts. I smiled when I saw him blush.

Um. Well. Remus went for a walk.

"Moony went for a walk" James said unhelpfully.

"I see..." I wondered if I could locate him from here, I felt Alex sigh.

I sent out my thoughts, becoming totally blind of the visible world and just sensing the sparks of energy around me. The whole world pulsed with energy here, every stone imbedded with spells and raw magic. In my senses I felt the vast network of corridors and stairways and occasionally the moving light of a person – or ghost. I spread out, pushed to the limit of my brain power, reaching...

James

I heard Alex sigh at the moment when Lara's eyes became completely clouded. What was she doing? She stood there for a while and Alex merely started to read his book again. We didn't say anything. I exchanged looks with my friends and they shrugged. Then Alex said, after about a minute, without looking up.

"Siri, stand up a second"

Paddy looked confused but did as asked just in time for Lara to collapse right into his unexpected arms. She had fainted.

"What the-"

"Lara, are you okay?"

Her eyes blinked open and she smiled a radiant smile.

"See, I told you it would work" she said with a triumphant voice as we gapped at her.

"I never said it wouldn't" Alex replied lazily.

"You thought it wouldn't"

"I thought it would make you faint and I was right about that"

"But it did work"

"I suppose"

"Well I'll see you later"

"I'm sure you'll tell me all about it" there was a hint of sarcasm there to be sure.

"Oh, thanks Sirius, for catching me"

"Bye"

"Bye"

And then she was gone, Sirius looked from the door to his still open arms and back and Alex was still reading his book.

"You guys are weird" He said with a shake of his head.

Alex looked up with a sudden brilliant smile.

"Don't you just know it!"

I grinned as I saw the Sirius Black's cheeks become enflamed.

Lara

I knew where Remus was, vaguely. The empty, dark, corridors felt eerie as I walked through them, following the map in my head. Third floor, to the east, next to the courtyard and left of the tower. I was tired now; sending my thoughts out had used a lot of energy. But this was too good an opportunity to miss not to mention I had finally built up the courage to tell him and who knew when that would happen again.

The shadows stretched out around me and the portraits snored lightly in their frames. It was completely silent apart from this and I felt shivers down my spine. Are you sure this was the best idea?

I had been walking for about fifteen minutes when I felt an approaching mind and I went into a panic. I ran my eyes up and down the corridor but there was only one door further down. The mind was coming around the corner and I recognised it as (the elderly caretaker) Apollyon Pringle's nephew Filch. He had build up a bad reputation, I had heard, in the ten years he had been here, him and his annoying cat. Without thinking I sprinted to the door and yanked it open, only to cringe as it shrieked, as if in pain (or perhaps to spite me). I ran into the small corridor and sprinted down it. Then, just as I turned into another dark corridor, I heard the door behind me scream again and I knew he was following me. I could hear him muttering, the echoes of his voice jumping down to meet me.

I was going to be caught. I was going to be caught!

Suddenly my thoughts settled into determination. No! I would not be caught!

I ran into an alcove, tripping on the slight stair there. I gasped and flung my hands out in front of me to stop my fall. I felt sudden pain shoot through my hand as it caught on the corner of the metal window frame and the familiar heat of blood trickled over my hand. I ignored it and drew my wand with my other hand. Filch wouldn't sense the magic I was about to do, he was a squib. Muttering under my breath and twirling my wand over my form I poured the remains of my magic into the disillusionment charm. I watched satisfied as my clothes and skin shifted to match the wall behind me, I was basically invisible – even to my eyes.

He was coming closer surprisingly fast, my heart was beating faster than it ever had before and I felt as if he would hear it beating away and my disguise would be for nothing. Filch was muttering to himself and his precious cat and I held my breath willing him to keep walking. Just keep walking.

He was outside my alcove; I could hear his words with my own ears – no magic involved.

"We'll find them my sweet. They won't get away with this, oh no. We'll find them"

He was a hunched up man with a disgusting brown overcoat and a long dropping nose. He was less than a metre away and I could smell his dusty odour drifting off him. In his arms Mrs. Norris turned her lamp like eyes onto me and I begged her to see me. She meowed and I bit my lip.

Subsequently he paused, listening and I clamped my hand over my mouth. The cat was still looking at me with large yellow eyes and I had no doubt that she knew I was there. I didn't breath. I didn't think. I was stone, just stone.

And then he walked away on surprisingly speedy feet.

I stayed there for a while, just recovering from the shock of nearly being found.

"Wow" I said quietly to myself.

I continued to walk to where I had seen Remus and slowly I began to feel his presence ahead of me in a charms classroom. And there he was. Behind this door here. He was quite, his thoughts that is, and I found I had a lump stuck in my throat. Should I go in? Should I?

Of course! This is what I came for, the bolder part of my brain said – the Lara-ish part. But he might not want you here, the quieter insecure Alex-ish part retorted. Well I wanted – not, needed – to see him, I argued. How do you know he loves you back? How do you know he won't just push you away, perhaps with a sympathetic smile and an uncomfortable feeling? Or worst still with anger and sco –

No!

I knew Remus. I knew him and even if he didn't return the feeling he wouldn't be cruel. I could do this. I had to do this. I had to know because I was in love with him and I would regret never giving us a go.

Resolved and not the least bit prepared, I reached out and clasped the cold door handle and twisted. As I pushed it open it didn't make a whisper and I could gently step into the room without its occupants noticing.

At first I thought I had opened the wrong room because it was completely empty to the eyes. However I could still feel Remus in the room, just there, sitting on the desk facing away from me. I smiled as I realised he had borrowed the invisibility cloak that I'd seen James and Sirius wearing in Hogsmeade. And he still hadn't realised I was in the room!

Time to have a little fun I think!

I walked into the room and slid into one of the desks, the disillusionment charm still on. I rested my face into my hand and held my wand underneath the table. I smiled, feeling his peaceful mind.

"So, what is Prefect Lupin doing here at this hour?" I called casually to him.

His reaction was hilarious!

He jumped of the table, span around, tripped over the cloak which fell from him and then fell onto his face. He then quickly jumped up with his wand in his hand. I laughed as his head swept from side to side trying to find me. I quickly undid the charm and his eyes snapped to me in shock. I wiggled my fingers at him in greeting, still grinning.

"I should so hex you right now, for scaring the live daylight out of me" He said with a sigh and walking forward and pressing his want tip to my shoulder.

He grinned at me and lowered his wand, tucking it in his pocket.

"And I could ask you the same thing Grey"

I laughed and, leaning back in my chair, I looked at him intently.

His face was lit up in the light of the moon coming from the window and I could see the gold dust glittering in his eyes as he watched me. He looked tired, unsurprisingly, the full moon being only a few days ago. His blond hair hung limply over his left eye and as I watched he absentmindedly swept it away.

He looked so cute when he did that and I wished I could have done it for him, I wished I could hold that endearing, handsome and dear face of his.

"Stalling my question are we?" I teased, standing up and lightly punching his shoulder. He caught me though, his hand shooting up and holding mine before I could even touch his shoulder with my fist. His hand was warm and gentle as he turned me so the palm was facing upwards. We both looked at it and I saw, for the first time, the long jagged cut that spanned my palm.

I'd nearly forgotten about that...

"How did you do this?" he asked, shock and concern in every syllable. I tried to pull away but he held fast.

"It was nothing, I fell and that's all" I said self consciously.

He looked at me with his blue eyes.

"You still haven't mentioned why you're here" He said and though he didn't sound annoyed I still felt a lump at his suspicion.

"I was going to the library but then I felt you up here and..." It was a plausible lie (sort of) the library was only just a few floors below.

"Honestly Lara, for someone who can never be lied to, you're really bad at lying" he held my hand closer to his face and turned it so it was more in the light.

"Only to you" I whispered.

He looked at me surprised and I realized how close we were, his face only inches from mine. I could feel his body heat on my skin like the sun. I could practically hear his heart beating and his breath touched my face, tickling me. And his mind, I could feel his mind so near, locked yes, but so near.

"You… you should probably clean this. Before it gets infected" he whispered back. His voice was rough and it sent shivers up my spine.

I nodded slowly, my movements dulled, and reached for my wand, my eyes still locked on his.

"Exfolium Fascia"I muttered and I felt a gentle stinging as the wound was cleaned and gentle bandages wrapped around the cut. We looked down at my handy work and I let out a small giggle. The binding had wrapped itself around both of our hands, tying them together.

"Oops" I said and Remus chuckled.

"Well, I'm going to assume that wasn't intentional" He said, amused and began to undo the knot that tied the bandage but failing miserable with his one hand. I laughed and pointed my wand at the knot tying us together, slightly regretfully. It came undone and Remus pulled his hand back from mine and began to bind me again.

"I could have done it with magic you know" I said as he tied the final knot, he shrugged and I saw a faint hint of a blush on his cheek. I bit my lip to keep from chuckling, again.

"So, this is an unusual place to wander to in the middle of the night - a charms classroom, seriously?"

He shrugged again and leant back onto the table I had been sitting at, his arms bracing him from behind. I carefully sat next to him, also on the table.

"I needed some space and this was where my feet took me" he said studying the ceiling.

I looked down at my hands, examining the gentle wrappings and remembering the feel of his warm hands tenderly looking after me.

"I hope I'm not interrupting. I can go if you want" I said still looking down.

"No! No it's fine, really. I don't mind you being here at all" I looked up into his face again and found that he'd sat up in his exclamation and his hand was raised to touch my back.

That piece of hair had fallen in front of his eyes again and almost without thinking I reached out and brushed it away, tucking it behind his ear. He stared at me and I found my breathing had picked up. I was going to kiss him - whether he liked it or not because I didn't think I would be able to stop myself.

My hand was still raised to his face so I gently hooked it behind his neck and pulled him toward me.

His lips met mine and they were gentle and warm. I felt his hands reach up to my face to cup it and in that moment I felt as if something had fallen into place.

I was kissing him and best of all, he was kissing me back! He was so gently and yet I could feel the passion under the surface. I pulled his face closer to me, deepening this never ending kiss. I felt so warm and safe in his arms.

I don't know how long we sat there but eventually Remus pulled back, breathing heavily against me. I rested my forehead on his and sighed in contentment. I'd wanted to do that for a long time and against the odds he had responded.

His mind was humming next to mine and I could guess what he was about to say and I wasn't going to let him win.

"Lara, we can't. I can't, I'm sorry, so sorry. I wish I could explain, but we just can't" His thoughts snapped and I heard the pain and regret his words only half showed.

I pulled back and looked at him keenly, listening to his inner turmoil. I felt hot tears bubble to the surfaced and desperately tried to push them away. I wouldn't show him how much his word hurt. Of course that did nothing to stop him noticing, he was too observant.

"Oh Lara, please don't cry. I can't bear to see you cry, I can't." his face was tortuous and I touched his face worried by his expression.

"Remus" I shook my head "oh Remus. You're not a monster, and I don't care. Do you hear me, I don't care"

His shocked expression told me he'd had no idea that I'd known.

"Wh-what do you mean?"

I rolled my eyes.

"I know you're a werewolf you silly thing. And it doesn't matter to me. You more than deserve this Remus and I'm not going to let you persuade yourself otherwise. You deserve to be kissed" I kissed the end of his nose "and you deserve to be loved"

"I… but how did you know?" he asked his voice shaky "did one of the guys tell you?"

"No, they didn't tell me. I figured it out, well, I figured it out a few days ago, though I had know you weren't telling the truth well before them"

He nodded.

"I knew you didn't believe my cover story, I could see it in your eyes. Just like every other time I lied to you about anything. Are you angry I didn't tell you? I wanted to, I really did but I just couldn't. Why are you here? Why are you still here when you know what I am?"

I shook my head.

"I don't give a shit if you're a werewolf. Do you hear me? I don't care. You could turn into a three headed slug once a month, once a week, and I would still love you."

And then the words were out. I had said it and I watched nervously as Remus heard them and were processed in his mind.

"Did you hear that Remus?" I whispered "I love you"

"You... You love me?"

Remus

She loved me. She loved me.

She knew what I was and yet she was still here, in my arms no less, and she loved me. How could she love me, a werewolf? She deserves so much better than me, this brilliant woman, beautiful and strong, incredible and intelligent woman ought to have so much more than this werewolf. This monster. And I didn't deserve her.

"I don't deserve you Lara, not you" I tried to push her away. Tried being the key word because she was grasping my shirt, preventing me. She let out a growl of frustration.

"I don't care! How many times must I say it for you to hear it and believe me! I don't care, Remus Lupin" she hissed at me, her voice shaking "Don't you leave me"

And the tears were back. No! I couldn't stand to see her cry. Why couldn't I just say it? Why couldn't I tell her that I loved her back and that I wanted to be with her more than anything else? I stared at her large grey eyes and I wiped the tears that fell from there.

She was so beautiful. Her silver hair seemed to glow in the light of the moon and her skin was so clear and soft. Her eyes stared pitifully at me and it wrenched my heart. Of course I loved her. And she loved me. Was I about to throw that away? I couldn't.

I shook my head.

"Ahh Lara... don't cry. I won't leave you. I don't have the strength of will to do that, though I know I should, I'm just too selfish. I don't know how you can love me... I am a monster Lara... but I love you, hell I started loving you a day after we met, perhaps before then. Beautiful, talented, sharp Larissa Grey... how can you love a guy like me?" I said the last bit more to myself than her.

"How can I not? I love you; I love the gentle smile on your lips and the crease between your brows when you read. I love the way you eat your toast with too much butter and the way you roll your eyes at your friends. I love the way you scratch the back of your neck when you're nervous and the way you can see through the most complicated of problems. You're not a monster, you're Remus Lupin." She looked deep into my eyes and I felt as if I was being swallowed by them.

She loved me.

I loved her.

I stoked my fingers across her silky cheek and she closed her eyes. Under my skin she felt like velvet and I my heart felt like it was expanding inside my chest. I brought in a choked breath and her eyes snapped open. I forced myself to believe this was really happening, I was with Lara, my Lara, and she loved me. Her eyes, unbearably soft, watched me with such love that I felt overwhelmed.

And suddenly I was grinning from ear to ear and gasping laugh escaped my lips.

"You love me" I stated as my hand curled round her face.

An amused half smile tugged at her lips and I noticed for the first time that she had dimples.

"Indeed I do, more than even I believe"

"Say it again" I whispered to her, I wanted to hear it. My face drew in closer to hers.

"Only if you do" she said in an equally hushed voice.

"I love you" I said into her ear and I felt her shudder.

"I love you too" she gasped and the feel of her breath of my ear made me tingle.

I drew back and looked at her. I felt like the luckiest guy alive as I pressed my lips to hers for the second time tonight.

Lara

This kiss was nothing like our previous one. I was clinging to him and kissing with as much passion as I could and he seemed to be doing the same. Our lips were being pushed so close together it became impossible to tell who's belonged to whom. His hands wrapped around me desperately and my hands were in his hair drawing him ever closer. When our lips parted it was magic, pure and free, and I forgot everything but the feel of his body next to mine, his mouth and lips and tong and his mind. His mind enveloped mine and I felt his pure pleasure and joy intermingle with my ecstasy. We were free and in love and I was never going to let this man go.