To Hold

Sirius

No one was particularly surprised when Remus and Lara got together, we could all see it coming. At least now they had an excuse for giving each other lovey-dovey eyes all hours of the day. I could see Alex deliberately not looking at his sister for much of the next week and to be honest I really couldn't blame him. I mean, they made Alice and Frank look censored. Yeah. I know – ew.

Okay, maybe, just maybe, I was over exaggerating things just a little.

I mean really, there wasn't too much PDA and they weren't one of those couples that became isolated from the world because they were 'just so in love'. They were sweet, but not sickly sweet like tea with five sugars. They walked around hand in hand and yes there was a lot of deep and meaningful eye locking. But I suppose it could have been a lot worse.

What was a surprise, on the other hand, was the revelation that the Grey's had figured out Remus' furry little problem. This was just as well, seeing as I was getting tired of lying to them. I had never seen our werewolf as happy as now. Now, not only did he have a beautiful, intelligent (a must for Moony) girlfriend who was in love with him, and vice versa, but she also didn't care about his problem. He had everything he wanted...

Okay yes, there was a hint of bitterness there.

The problem was that I was... jealous. You might say 'Sirius Black, jealous of an actual relationship?' but it was the truth. It was weird, I was the last person out of the Marauders who went for the whole 'serious relationship thing'. I mean James was begging for it, Pete would take whatever and Remus, though didn't think he deserved it, had always wanted that sort of thing. As for me? I was the ladies man, the charmer and one-nighter, not gonna last kind of guy. And yet I was desperately jealous of Remus and Lara.

Did I want a long term relationship? Well yes, but not with just any girl. In fact scratch that. I didn't want it with any girl.

Yes, I Sirius Black had a crush on a guy. And that wasn't the worst of it. I had a crush on one of my best friends. I'd finally done it. I'd got into enough trouble to warrant leaving the country.

If it had been any one but him (excluding my other friends) then I may not have thought it too bad. Sure, there was the startling fact that I was, um, gay (that word was still a little difficult to say) but I could deal with that. Except as it happened, it was him and I had to constantly pretend I didn't feel any different about him. He was just a friend, a very good friend. Nothing more, nothing less.

Okay! I'll admit it, I had the weird feeling in my stomach that I was, dare I say it, in love with him. I was in love with one of my best friends! I was in love with him and I could do absolutely nothing about it. I didn't even know how to tackle such a problem. I'm mean, I couldn't tell him! Yeah that would be great "Hey Al, I'm in love with you – hope you don't mind". Great, just fabulous. I'm sure he'd take it really well.

Maybe he would? He'd certainly seemed uncomfortable with Elaine. Maybe he was into guys as well?

Except, I didn't know for sure if that was the case. I didn't want to ruin our friendship and if he didn't feel the same then I was pretty sure it would become a good heap of awkwardness. I didn't know how to deal with awkwardness! I was the least awkward person ever. When I thought something, I said it! So why couldn't I just say this.

I love you.

It was only three words; it would take less than two seconds to say it. I felt like it could slip of my tongue at any moment. How quickly and effortless it would be to utterly mess up my life.

Hence my plans to flee the country.

I thought about asking James, or Remus, but it just felt weird. Beyond weird really, it felt... I don't know! Just really, really, not good.

Every time I saw him something inside me seemed to twitch and squirm. He was just so god damn sexy! I could see him in my mind's eye. I saw his pale angular face and straight silver hair, his large grey eyes that always seemed to see more than what was visible. I saw his broad chest and that hint of his collar bone at the neck of his shirt. He was slender, and well muscled, and he had pianist hands, large and willowy which more deftly and firm over the pages of a book. He made my clench inside, made me gasp.

Alex Grey, did you see the way you affect me? Can you hear my thoughts wrap around you? Do you notice the shiver, the dancing lightning, which travelled up my spine with every guiltless touch?

Alex

Lara and I sat in the boys dorm staring wide eyed at the three animals in front of us.

"So you three are illegal aminmagi and every full moon you go with Remus to the shrieking shack, which isn't haunted at all"

The large black dog nodded excitedly and I remarked on how much he still asked like Sirius. Padfoot was sitting quiet happily wagging his tail and resting his head on my knee. He was a completely black shaggy dog/wolf that nearly reached my hip when he stood. Prongs was a proud white stag and Peter was a large brown rat. They had both now changed back to their human selves and were looking at us with a superior look. Sirius had yet to change.

I was in shock.

Lara was laughing and shaking her head. She seemed to have this idea that we should have known that our best friends could transform into animals. How she came to that conclusion I don't know. She was currently wrapped in very happy moony's arms, with her head resting on his chest.

I ran my fingers through Pads thick black fir and scratch his head.

"You know this sort of makes you Marauders now" James said thoughtfully and Sirius barked happily, I chuckled at his antics.

"How did you learn to become Animagi?" I asked curiously.

"Why? thinking of becoming one yourself" James asked with a smile.

"We considered it last year" Lara said.

"But couldn't find out how" I added.

"So yes, we are considering it"

James nodded and Remus simply kissed Lara's temple, his brain buzzing as he frowned.

"Well it took us a while to find the book but we eventually found one in the restricted section of the library" He replied, getting up.

He walked to his trunk and pulled out a large book from an extended pocket I hadn't noticed. He passed it to me and opened it on a book marked page. Lara edged closer and looked over my shoulder curiously.

It was a complex and very difficult process which I could instantly see would take months to complete. It involved some very strong spells, a good measure of self-legilimentic magic and detailed knowledge of human biology. It looked daftly confusing basically. It reminded me of the spells me and Lara would pour over back at Amalia's. We would constantly sneak down to the library and search through the shelves of NEWT level books. Of course this was beyond NEWT level...

"This must have taken you ages" I muttered, my fingers still in Padfoot's hair.

"Yeah it did and we had to help Peter too" James said, lightly punching the rat animagi.

Remus was grinning and I could see why. These guys were truly incredible friends.

"Do you plan on getting register?" Lara asked a hint of disapproval in her voice.

James and Peter looked sheepish and Peter replied.

"We hope to, once we leave school – after all the punishment is Azkaban..."

Lara

When the letter finally came from mother I felt like weeping and I pushed my food queasily away. Alex had opened it down the table from me and I read it through his eyes. It was short; the shortest it had ever been, and left no doubt we would be following their rules.

Dear Alexander and Larissa Grey,

Your father and I are expecting to see you this holiday. I will be at the station to pick you up.

There is no need to reply.

Cynthia Grey

Alex scrunched it up and vanished it with a twitch of his wand, his jaw clenched. His eyes looked at me across the table and they showed the same identical fear as mine surely held. We were silent, just listening to each other's feelings. It felt so much closer now, so much more real.

I got up on unsteady feet and Remus looked up at me in concern. He saw the terror in them and quickly jumped to his feet as well. We walked out of the hall, not saying a word, his arm wrapped around my waist. I led him away, to a tree beside the lake and just sat. He didn't ask, he just held me close and rubbed circles on my back.

We were going home.

Sirius

That night I walked into our room to grab a jumper and I was startled to see Alex and Lara on Al's bed. Alex was curled up next to his sister, his face in her shoulder and she was holding him close. Silver hair blended with silver hair. Her eyes were fogged and her lips were silently moving. Both seemed to be trembling.

I froze but neither seemed to notice I was there; I had no idea what to do.

"A-Al? L- L- Lara?"

I was scared and I found myself running out of the room. What had I just seen? What was wrong with them? What could I have done?

In the common room Remus saw my expression and his eyes filled with his own pain. He nodded, as if to say I know.

But the time I went back up stairs the curtains around his bed were closed and Lara had gone.

Lily

I entered the dorm just in time to see Lara swallow some blue liquid from a phial.

"Lara? What's that?" I asked her coming up to her, I lifted the glass from her hands and smelt it suspiciously; it had a fresh, sweet smell.

"Calming potion? Why are you drinking calming potion?" I asked her sternly.

I heard her sigh and look at me appraisingly. I had my hands on my waist and my best 'you better tell me' look.

"PCE" she said simply and I gapped at her.

"PCE? Post Cru- what!" did that mean that she'd been - ? "Larissa Grey! If you don't tell me exactly what you mean right now then I swear I'll..."

And then she told me. In a quiet voice she talked about her father and Darien and Alex. She didn't seem to be able to stop the word pouring from her mouth and her eyes were unbearably tired.

"All because he found out Alex was gay. We managed to persuade him he wasn't... that it was a set up... but he doesn't trust him anymore – not like he trusted us before..."

"Do the others know?"

She shook her head.

"Just Remus"

I frowned, thinking of Sirius.

"Could your PCE have anything to do with why Sirius looked so shocked today when he left the boys dorm?" I asked and I saw her blanch.

"What time?" she asked, panic in her voice.

"Umm... about an hour ago" I heard her sigh and she sat on her bed a look of defeat on her face.

"Yes, it could defiantly have something to do with our PCE" She shook her head and pressed her fingers to her head "He must have walked in on our episode"

"But how did you not know that he saw?" I asked confused. Couldn't they tell who was around them with their Legilimency?

She looked at me with bitterness as if she really did not want to go into it.

"Well, we kind of get a little caught in our memories. We are blind to the world" she said and sighed again.

I winced. Caught in their memories. What kind of father does that to their own children? How could he do that to them? Just for something as stupid as being gay!

"You can't go back to them Lara! You can't" I exclaimed, it was madness! But she just shook her head.

"You don't understand"

I stared at her in confusion. What possible reason could she have for going back there? It made no sense at all. The Marauders and Alice would agree with me.

"You should tell the others at least"

"No" Her answer was swift and hard.

"Why not, they are your friends and they're bound to find out and be upset you didn't tell them" I argued and she rubber her temple. I saw eyes briefly blur and I knew she was talking to Alex. She clenched her jaw.

"Fine" She muttered, more to herself or Alex than me. I grinned in victory.

Lara

I can't believe I'm about to do this. I didn't want everyone to know. I didn't want to see the shock and sympathy in their eyes. I was already thinking about it and worrying, I didn't need everyone doing the same. Damn Lily, damn Alex. I don't know why he wanted to tell everyone. Surly it would bring up the whole gay thing, which he didn't want people to know. It made no sense.

They deserve to know, perhaps not the whole story, but at least a little.

No. It was our pain.

So here we were, sitting in the boys dorm in front of our friends: James, Sirius, Peter, Remus and Lily (who was pointedly ignoring a staring James), preparing to tell them about our dear father. Well Alex was at least. I wasn't going to say a word if I had my way. Remus knew what was coming and kept giving me small kisses on my temple and cheek. The still made me tingle inside and I snuggled into his arms. Mine. All mine.

Sirius looked nervous and wasn't looking at us. I could only imagine what he must be thinking after seeing us in the state we were in. I think this was the main reason Alex wanted to tell everyone, to explain to Black what was wrong. Not to mention the fact that we knew their secret so they deserved to know mine.

"Right. Well. I know you're wondering why we asked you here. It's because we" You, you not me I muttered "wanted to tell you something" Alex said, ignoring my thoughts aside from a quick glance.

"Okay... well for most of our lives me and Lara were best friends with Darien Irvine" I saw people blink at the name "back then he was just like us, pure blooded and hiding the fact we were against the idea of pure blood supremacy from our families. "Then the summer before last Darien's parent brought him here, to England. I didn't know at the time but I know now that he was being taken to meet the Dark Lord. I don't know what happened but when he came back... he was different, colder. We didn't think much about it and we didn't enquire what happened here. And then... he betrayed us. You see our father is a hard man and if he were to find out that we were say working against the DE's well... he would certainly not be happy." Understatement "And he believes we should be just like him. He thinks we have to have a nice pure blood marriage, produce heirs, perhaps partake in a little dark arts and hopefully pledge ourselves to the wizard with the right idea, our very own Dark Lord" My lips curled in disgust.

"Then last year, as I was saying before, Darien betrayed our friendship and trust. I'm not going to go into what he did, it doesn't need to be brought up again, but our father was angrier than I'd ever seen him. He was angry mostly at me though, the only thing Lara did was not to tell him of my 'sin'. He used the Cruciatus curse on me and then, once Lara began to beg, on her. He tortured Lara to punish me. You all know of our connection to each other, we could feel everything the other felt; there is no way of switching it off." He looked at me and I could see the still alive guilt in them.

It's not your fault; you shouldn't be punished for what you are. It's Irvine who should feel guilty.

He shrugged.

"And that's what we wanted to tell you about. Siri, I know you came across me and Lara last night, I just wanted to explain."

The room was silent as they took in his words, our story. I didn't look at anyone instead I pressed my face into Remus' chest, letting his warm smell flood me. His grip on me had tightened and I could tell he didn't like hearing it again either.

"Let me get the straight, after all that you still plan on going back there for Christmas?" Sirius said and I could hear the anger in his voice, I pulled away to support my brother.

"Yes, we must" I said.

"Why" His eyes flashed and his nostrils dilated in anger, Alex answered with a tired voice.

"Because if we don't then he will simply hunt us down, if we go"

"Then he will be mollified and we will have a chance to remain in his good books" I supplied.

"Why do you want to be in his good books, he sounds like a bast-"

"Because he's mad! If he finds out his only two children, his heirs have gone rebel than he will hunt us down!" I was getting angry and Alex put a soothing hand on my shoulder.

Sirius seemed to think for a while and everyone else remained quiet and speculative. Lily sat with her arms crossed and a death stare. James still looked a little shocked at the information overload and Peter looked like he couldn't put his finger on the argument. Remus seemed calm, but I could tell he was fuming inside.

"Well then why don't we come with you?" Padfoot said decisively

"Yes I like that idea we cou-" Remus agreed eagerly.

"No" Me and Alex cut them both off coldly with one quiet voice "That is completely out of the question"

"But-!"

"No"

They stared at us, sensing they were not going to win. I could feel magic ripple up mine and Alex's arms and flicker in our eyes.

Remus

That night I held Lara by the fire in the common room. There were very few people in here and none of them spared us a glance. I was brooding, not happy about the fact Lara was to be going to her father. It seemed too large a risk.

"Remus stop, just relax and don't think about it" Lara whispered, her lips millimetres from my ear.

Her breath ticked and sent shivers down my spine. I turned my head so that my nose ran up her cheek and planted a kiss to her temple, pushing her silky hair away gently.

"I'm sorry... but I don't like this idea. In fact I hate it. I only just got you and now..."

"I'll be fine... really there is only one thing that he can be angry about and that's us being put in Gryffindor which hardly deserves..." She trailed off but I could hear the slight quaver in her voice.

I pulled back and looked into her soft grey eyes. I could see she was scared and I couldn't do anything about it. I stroked her face and I felt her lift up her own hand. She placed it onto my own face and I closed my eyes as she began to, very slowly, map out every contour of my face. Her fingers followed every scar and every crease like pathways.

"It's not okay" I told her, opening my eyes "But you don't care"

She smiled at me.

"On the contrary, I care very much, however I just don't let that effect me"

I shook my head in disagreement but settled to try and forget it, for now. I stared into the fire and the warmth of her body next to mine echoed the warmth of love in my heart...