Unbeing dead isn't being alive

-E.E Cummings

#

The rapid sounds of gun fire bursting like firecrackers woke her up first and the peal of wailing sirens reminded her exactly where she was. No paradise here, no heaven. She was in the ghetto where she belonged, where they all belonged.

Junkies, thugs, juvies, drifters, cunts, puppets and a very special place for former princesses, yeah that was good old Quincy Adams high school for you.

Lacey lay there for a long while, eyes fixed on a green gecko crawling around the mouldy ceiling, scuttling past swirling patterns of light from passing vehicles, dashing past the dark places to seek the sunlight.

There was a flash of light, a clack of metal and then she heard the nurse's throaty voice. Lacey screwed her eyes up at the hefty woman, lifting herself off the unsteady cot.

"Good, you're up"

"Morning, Nurse Davis"

"You got to stop with all this nonsense Lacey, what' you taking?"

"Excuse me?"

"Crack, dope, coke, which is it?"

"I'm not taking anything"

"Hmpff, 'heard that before just before y'all overdose" she cocked a brow, massive breasts heaving while she scrutinized Lacey. The nurse turned around and scrimmaged through the medicine cabinet. She fished out a box of Tylenol and whirled around to face Lacey.

"Sure, paint us all with the same brush" Lacey snorted, grabbing the three tables that the nurse dropped into her hand.

"Lose the smart mouth girly, I know what you are"

"What am I Nurse Davis?" Lacey challenged, scrambling to her shaky feet. The older woman merely shook her head, clicking her tongue.

"Wild things don't feel sorry for themselves Nurse Davis, "she said, her chin thrust out "oh and I'm clean, see" she showed the nurse her arms, daring her with her fierce defiance. After collecting her things and stuffing them in her backpack, Lacey stumbled out into the hallway just as the bell rang for the next period. The crowd pulsated, swarmed and she hugged the walls travelling to her own beat, lost in her own world.

"You're sitting in my seat"

English class, her favourite class and some wet behind the ears jerk was overstepping his boundaries. She wished Rita was still round to tell him off, to help her fight her battles like she used to. It wasn't the same having the other girls in the gang with her, Sarita and Regina actually liked the parties, the drugs and all the nonsense, it made them like they were a part of something bigger than themselves. Lacey used to feel like that too before it all came crashing down, before she realized how deep they were in the murk.

"Really?' the boy said, scratching his chin. Leaning back against the wall, he gazed at her through long dark eyelashes and a smile began to toy with his lips.

"I don't see your name on it" he quipped, his gaze licking he length of her. She was tired, drained, and too exhausted to bicker about some stupid sitting position.

Lacey moved to an empty desk in front of the boy, eyes around the classroom crawling all over her as she settled into the cold hard wood.

The teacher said something about Dylan Thomas and she heard the startle of paper as books flew open searching for the required page.

Lacey hated taking a seat in front of people, hated that they could get a full view of her ink, her mark. She could feel the boy's eyes on her now, clawing her back, tiny little spiders scurrying up the back of her neck. A million hairs grew an inch on her arms. She caught her bottom lip between her teeth, tapped her foot on the floorboards, and drummed her nails against the wood of desk, waiting, waiting for something to happen.

And then it happened, the boy breathed.

In a whirl of flapping paper, she fluttered and flew up from her chair, pouncing on his desk, her hands gripping the wood. Dizzy, hazy, her heart pummelling her ribcage, Lacey scraped his desk, etching her name on the worn wood. She heard him snort and huff, heard the faint whispers behind her. His pecan skin and his tangled mess of dark hair unnerved her and when he ran his fingers through those thick curls, it grated her.

"There, now you see my fucking name on it" she snarled at him.

Her chest was pounding, a thumping in her ears above the clatter of cheers and jeers in the classroom. She could feel Regina simpering behind her back; caught Sarita's husky chortles commending her bad behaviour.

"Miss Porter, headmaster's office! Now!"

"Miss Adams, please. It's my fault, I'm the bad guy and I'll take the blame"

From somewhere in her storm, she heard the noise, heard his voice and received his explanation to the English teacher; pick up the apology directed at her. She didn't know what to think or what to believe about him, all she cared about was the fact that his eyes would not be stuck on her ink for the rest of the period.

"I know you" he called to her as everyone toppled out of the classroom like wild animals in searing hot bush somewhere.

"Do we ever really know anyone?" Lacey said coolly, forcing herself to remain there glaring at him.

"I kissed you twice "he began, leaning against the wall, his knuckles rapping against his faded jeans. Lacey cocked her head and pursed her lips, waiting for him to finish his fairy tale.

"Once, we were five playing in your mom's backyard and the second time you were a junior cheerleader and I was some bum crashing a party"

"You slapped me both times, if I might add" he smiled devilishly, a new glint in his eyes.

"Yeah, well that was a long time ago" Lacey shook her head, trying to hide the fact that she was trying very hard to place him, to remember him.

"Yeah, you're not a cheerleader anymore" he scanned her slowly, finishing with nonchalant shrug that set her off.

"No shit, Sherlock" she spat, nerves jingling before she shoved past him.

"I like you better this way" Danny called but his voice was crushed by the wild clatter of noise around them and she was swallowed by the throbbing crowd, mingled in their wet sweat.

#

Danny couldn't keep his eyes off Lacey; she was clinging to the back of the class again with Cesar and the rest of their gang. She sat there, slumped against a corner with Cesar's arm swung over her shoulder and his fingers drumming her chest. She swept back a lock of hair licking her forehead and tucked it behind her ear. Danny's mouth dried up and his heartbeat rocked hard inside his chest whenever her eyes drifted towards him. Her eyes would coast, wide and bewildered before scampering off to the teacher, sometimes they drifted, heavy lidded and lingered as if daring his eyes for a dance.

"My name is Mr Garfield" the man in front of the class announced, "I'm going to be your substitute teacher until they release Mr Hopkins from the hospital" he said scrawling his name, small and meek on the blackboard.

Danny's eyes rushed back to the group at the back of the class to single Lacey out yet again. He knew what she was, he had seen the tattoo and knew how the Quincy Adams worked, knew how the gang operated. He wondered how a girl like her could've winded up in her situation. Danny knew what a puppet was, he'd been privy to a few of them before he had his head fixed and he knew what was expected of them.

Cesar saw him starring and Danny flinched before cracking him a big flashy smile to which Cesar nodded. With a scowl, Cesar tightened his grip on his property and the message was clear, steer clear of this one. He nodded back before directing his attention back to Mr Garfield. Danny had belonged to Cesar's gang once, once when he couldn't make decisions for himself, once when he had been a coward because only cowards hid in gangs. That's what that psychologist in prison had told him, real men were never party to gangs, independence and freedom were never part of any gang's vocabulary. Danny had long lost his need to belong, his need to please, he had a new need and that was freedom.

"Has anyone read animal farm?"-Garfield addressing the class

"No, but I fucked a sheep once" Cesar yelled, hands cupped around his mouth.

Everyone broke out in laughter, heads thrown back and hands cupped over mouths in delight of this joke Cesar had made. Danny didn't laugh and he noticed someone else who had missed the joke, the fiery Lacey Porter.

"Danny" Cesar nodded as they were all clearing out of the dingy classroom "good to see you, Danny,'

"Good to see you, Cesar"

'We're skipping class, having a lil party over at Benny's. You should come with that"

"I don't know man, you know how it is"

"Benny misses you, the boys miss you" Cesar affirmed, draping an arm around Danny's shoulder "Danny boy, you know how this works. You're coming with us"

#

Nearly an hour later, they were all sitting inside Cesar's brown impala, the girls stuffed in the back seat like sardines in a rocking can. They had bought stock to last them till Christmas, pills, coke, beer, tequila, cheap whiskey and mountains of mixed weed.

Cesar kicked one of the many beer can littering the sticky floor as they all tumbled inside the dank, grimy graffiti house. Danny groaned at the ear-splitting clank, his hand reaching up to scratch the back of his head. He sniffed the air tentatively; a stench of weed mingled with crack permeated the air. Benny came up behind him, grunted and motioned him toward the couch where Archie was already perched working the cap tequila bottle with his teeth.

"How about we seven minutes in heaven?" Regina exclaimed, removing her jacket while locking her eyes to a bashful Danny.

"Seriously, what are we twelve?" Danny scoffed, his eyes rushing toward Lacey.

"Not the way I play it baby" Regina persisted, slinking her arm around Cesar's shoulder.

"Tell him, chica" Cesar teased, expertly rolling a new joint as Sarita had already seized his old one.

"We do it differently, old Danny boy"

"Is that so?"

Cesar motioned for Regina who promptly drained the last of her beer before sauntering over to Danny. She leaned over him, red hair swinging out over her shoulder and brushing his cheek "I'm Regina and I think you're hot" she whispered before tossing her hair back and kneeling down on the floor in front of him.

Danny didn't miss Sarita and Archie's slack chortles as they passed a joint between the two of them. His eyes skipped over to Lacey, her long legs slung awkwardly over Benny's lap, his calloused hands stroking her thighs.

Regina settled the bottle on the wobbly table and spun it around. It whirled and gyrated, the final roll hitting Danny like whiplash.

"Lacey, "Benny announced, lighting a cigarette. He began to cough, deep chesty seizures "You're lucky ese, she's the best"

"Spin it again baby, I can make you real happy" Regina persisted but Lacey started toward him, glaring defiantly as she stretched her right hand out towards him.

"Are you down?" Benny called from somewhere behind Lacey, behind Danny's giddy miasma.

"Yeah, I'm down" he heard himself say before catching Lacey's hand and following her through the cheering group sprawled in dirty couches with cigarette burns, pulling on ice cold beer. His feet hammered on the dusty hardwood floor, his heart rocking hard against his chest.

Danny was scared and he didn't know why. He'd never really been scared of anything in his life and this, this moment with his clammy fingers clinging around hers, following her to some steamed distant room with too much sun and too much smoke, this scared the shit out of him.