A/N: Hi guys, I really tried to make this chapter longer but if I make it too long then I feel the chapter will lose some of its essence and give too much away (wink wink)! I promise some chapters will be longer than others when necessary, bear with me…
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There is another world, but it is in this one
-W.B. Yeats
#
It was an old room, a room she had inhabited before countless times with numberless heartbeats and endless dark crawling hands.
Lacey vanished the minute they entered the yellow stuttering pulse of the room, an out of body experience she had trained her mind to perform. It wasn't her tucking her hair behind her ears; it wasn't her pulling the hoodie over her head and fluffing her hair. It was that other girl, the one who looked just like her, sounded just like her and moved just like her. The other girl had taken shape and form again, she was there taking over everything while Lacey drifted, not willing herself to watch.
But it was like a car crash, she could do nothing but look, nothing but watch.
"Stop"
It was not her voice that said it and so she locked, paused and pieces of her weighty limbs fell unto the clumpy bed. This one wouldn't be rough, she thought, he wouldn't be anything because his body language told her he didn't want this just as much as she didn't want this.
"Have you read Animal farm?" Danny asked, standing up abruptly.
"No" Lacey whispered shaking her head, covering herself with her hoodie as if she was covering her wounds. She raked her fingers through her tangled hair; waiting for this one's hurt to manifest itself. They all had their hurts, their tells and tales and so she waited for this one to explore to his own fantasies.
"Have you read Animal farm?" he inquired again, slowly resting on top of the bed, miles away from her.
"What is with this damn book, are you and Mr Garfield calling us animals?"
"No, just trying to illustrate a point" he raked his fingers through his messy hair "Quincy Adams is a dictatorship, and so-"
"No shit and so Benny runs the show"
"For the moment, yes but-"
"You think I'm stupid, I know about tyrants" she sneered, the room filling up with music from the outside. It pounded the walls, controlled the space around them at a nauseating pace.
"I'm just saying that Mr Garfield was trying to make a point about the whole system and comparing it to the book, you should actually tr"
"You think just because you've been to juvie and read a few books that makes you fucking Einstein?" she spat clenching her fists, aching to connect them to his jaw.
"News flash homeboy, you're back in the damn valley!"
"Why are you always so angry?"
"Why aren't you?"
"What are you rebelling against?"
"Everything, "Lacey snarled, her knuckles white around her hoodie "I know about you, I did my own research"
"Well look at you, "he smirked "the resourceful sort" he said, the static in his eyes making her hair rise.
"I seem to be known in all the wrong places" he added, his eyes clinging to hers, his liquor talking.
"You've paid your debt to Benny, went to juvie for some drug bust. Why are you still wallowing around here for?" she asked, slipping on her hoodie.
"Who said I'm wallowing?" he smirked, lifting his beer and taking a hefty gulp.
"I know your type, "she shrugged "and your type usually thinks they're doing me a favour by not fucking me"
Danny remained quiet, the beer buzz slowing his sentences.
"You're not by the way because the minute you leave, the next guy won't be so chivalrous"
"Listen, Lacey I –"
"You can take your pity and self-righteous attitude and shove it up both your holes!"
"Is that all you got, Wonderwoman?" He cocked an eyebrow "I know your type too, you act tough and talk a good game but you're really soft and mushy on the inside"
"I guess that's your diagnosis since you're psycho-analysing me?"
"Sorry, it's a bad habit"
"You didn't answer my question"
"About?"
"You and Benny. How come you're back here?" she blew a lock of hair from her face" 'you back to score?"
"Nah, I'm leaving my life righteously now, might even study theology"
Lacey scoffed, clanking the frozen beer inside her bottle.
"What'd you wanna be when you grow up?"
She looked up at him, startled by the question and slightly unnerved by the softness in his voice "Who says I'm not grown already?" she shrugged her shoulders, pushing a lock of hair behind her ear.
"I think you're interesting" he said quietly, his dark brown eyes studying her like she was a Rubik's cube.
"Just wait until you get to know me" she breathed, slipping the bottle neck between her lips, her eyes looking intently at him.
The loud banging on the door startled them, Lacey jumped in her skin, eyes flashing toward the rotting door masked with graffiti.
"Your time's up!" Cesar hollered behind the door. Slowly, Lacey peeled herself off the crusty bed sheets and headed for the exit. She hesitated at the door, fingers wound around the cold doorknob with her heart kicking against her chest. The tremor of the music came through the floorboards, up through the soles of her feet and Lacey waited for Danny to say something.
"Thank you" he said and she wrenched the door open, rushing out into the smoke filled room.
"There you are, "Benny snatched her wrist, dragging Lacey toward him. He sat her on his lap again, one hand gripped tightly around her neck, the other curled around his beer. Lacey had learned fast over her time with the gang, everything provoked Benny; she could breathe and that could provoke Benny.
She felt Benny's marinated armpits against her shoulder, soaking into her flesh. The diabolical heat in the room was gravity, it sagged everything around them. Lacey took a long sip of beer, the gold warm against her tongue from too much cradling and not enough drinking.
"Seven minutes of hell, wasn't it chica? Benny asked, he was starting to thaw a bit, his temper softening.
"More like two minutes of nothin" Lacey offered with a shoulder shrug.
Everyone laughed, loose, lazy chortles but Cesar's eyes stung, draped around her like she was the chosen one. Lacey could feel him watching, observing as Danny's eyes bribed her eyes for another quick dance, watching as her eyes fluttered out to the blistering porch in a weak attempt to avoid Danny's.
# # #
Hatred can fuel you, give you energy but it drains you after that and leaves you depleted. It leaves you feeling and looking like a version of your former self.
Judy Porter was a version of her former self just like her daughter; she just didn't know it yet. Lacey watched her mother over the years grow into a functioning alcoholic. She couldn't go a day without a bottle. She couldn't face her bed without cradling something; she always needed something especially after Lacey's dad left. A whisky bottle was her new security blanket.
Hatred for her former husband fuelled her and the alcohol numbed her. It was her perfect storm.
"Did you have a good day?"
"Amazing," she replied biting into her cookie.
They liked playing this game, the same act over and over like Groundhog Day. Nobody actually said anything worth saying and no one actually listened.
"Uhm...I uhm…are you speaking at Rita's funeral?"
"Her mother asked me to say a few words"
"Will you be okay?"
"I'll handle it"
"Everything will be okay, you'll see" Judy assured her as she rose from her chair. She paused to give Lacey's shoulder a firm squeeze before staggering up the stairs to her bedroom. With a sigh, Lacey finished the rest of her milk and switched off the kitchen lights. She was about to drag herself up to her bedroom when something made her stop, an old family album sitting on the side table next to the staircase. Picking up the leather bound book, she carried it up the stairs with it her.
Lacey flung herself on the bed, creasing the rose quilt and leafed through the worn photo album. The house was quiet except for the clank of the wind chimes outside her window and Clara's blaring TV behind the wall.
She paused when she reached a picture of her parents together, arms draped around each other. They looked happy behind the glossy film, grinning like school kids and then Lacey narrowed her eyes to take a closer look at the picture. The background was littered with balloons and other party decorations but what stunned Lacey were the two figures sitting solemnly on a pair of tire swings. The two kids were gazing at each other and holding hands. The image seemed odd, a pair of kids secluding themselves from the festivities whirling around them. They seemed to be in a trance, lost in their own space, caught in their own secret. Lacey recognized his face; the little boy in a red flannel shirt was Danny Desai.
#
Cesar let the car idle in the dark alley and Danny prayed he wouldn't kill the engine. It wasn't fear; he only wanted to be prepared for the getaway should the shit hit the fan. He had no illusions about why they were parked in some pitch black alley at eleven in the evening, Cesar was there to deal, push his narcotics. Benny had him making deliveries and Cesar had already divulged the news about their latest stash, some new drug they were cooking with the help of their new 'chemist'. Danny had been very firm with Cesar, no deals, I'm on parole and yet he found himself sitting inside Cesar's car wishing he'd been carrying a piece for his own protection.
The obscene heat inside the impala breathed hot and moist, wilting his hair. Cesar pealed open a pack of camel cigarettes.
"By the way…when it comes to Lacey," he took a long drag from his cigarette blowing rings of smoke until the air around them filled with bitter smoke" Benny, doesn't like to share"
"That's not the impression I got, I thought she was uhm…" he said quickly, trying to hide the tightening stammer in his voice. Danny had to play it cool, he had to play this with his best poker face otherwise Cesar would call him out on his bullshit.
"She was a gift, sometimes Benny likes giving pretty gifts" Cesar explained, fingers drumming against the peeling steering wheel.
"Who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth then?" Danny chuckled, the threat received.
"Just don't get too attached" he warned, the cigarette dangling from his mouth as he spoke.
"Is that what happened to you Cesar? Got in too deep?"
"I don't know what you mean, ese" Cesar shrugged his shoulders, squinting out into the ink black evening.
"I saw you caught in that, like a fly to flypaper"
Archie chuckled behind them, a heaving, wheezing snigger in the thick heat of the dark car. When Danny noticed the flicker of headlights in the distance, his heart pushed against his chest a million times per second before the other car lurched, hurtling toward them. With wheels screeching, it came to a rocking halt before the driver handed Cesar a wad of cash in exchange for a few bags of meth. It was a quick, fluid exchange, liquid like poetry.
"Yo, ese" Cesar nodded his head, tapping his hand against the other guy's hand and finishing off with snaps and twists of fingers around fingers. Secret handshakes, Danny thought shaking his head slightly.
"Yo, so, who's he?" the guy motioned to Danny on the passenger seat.
"Nah, relax" Cesar said turning to look back at Danny "he's family"
A hot minute later, they were rushing down a labyrinth of zagging streets, hot air hissing through his fingers as he hanged his arm out the car window. Pulling up in front of his house, Danny stared at the place for a moment; the lights inside the house were out but the porch light beamed out illuminating the hood of the car.
"Hey, sleep tight" Cesar yelled above the music as Danny slammed the car door shut making the car rock.
"Drive loose" Danny grinned, jerking from the shadows and dragging his feet toward the house.
"Remember, ese, don't cross Benny!"
"Sure" he nodded reluctantly.
Danny stood there watching the impala drive recklessly, swerving all over the road, music shattering through its open windows with Archie passed out in the backseat.
Don't cross Benny.
#
Survives couldn't die, they were made of steel; at least that's what Lacey had thought before it happened. Rita had committed suicide and that had not been part of their survivor mantra.
Lacey stood in front of the small crowd gathering around the cemetery. She breathed in hard and deep, fighting the tightening in her chest.
"I loved my friend," she began, a flicker of panic gripping her voice. She shut her eyes, counted to four before starting again "Rita went away from me. There's nothing more to say. The poem ends, soft as it began. I loved my friend." She breathed.
Lacey edged closer to the hole, her breath held in so deep that it rattled her entire body. Leaning over, she squeezed her eyes shut to halt the hot tears that were threatening to break free.
"Hasta Luego, "Lacey finally said, releasing the rosary onto the coffin. She turned, the soft thud of earth covering the coffin seeping in and clinging around her like second skin. Finding Rita's mother, she wrapped her arms around her and they made their way to the cars with the rest of the mourners.
Later, the younger crowd were gathered around their cars, smoking and drinking warm flat beer. Lacey heard everyone talk, waffle about but there was no real conversation. She didn't even know why most of them came as they had never been friendly with Rita.
"Bitch, now she'll be young forever" Regina pouted, slipping a cigarette between her painted lips.
"We're born to fucking die" Archie added his particular brand of needless wisdom before flicking a cigarette stub into the gutter.
"No Archie, we're born to fucking live" Danny corrected him, taking a hefty swig from his beer.
# # #
Lacey had to blink to see the skyline; she screwed her eyes toward the green roofs stippling the shimmering horizon, they blended with the swaying palm trees creating a heaving crest of snort-green waves.
Nothing endured in the valley and Lacey wished that she could burn the whole place down, purge everything and everyone in it. She was alone, perched up on Benny's green roof with her arms draped around her legs, knees pressed to her chest.
"Hey, I managed to find some scotch"
She recognized the voice and didn't have to turn around to release her venom.
"Go away!" she hissed, wiping the tears from her eyes.
"It's pretty good scotch" Danny noted, reading the label "cheap but still pretty good"
"Did I stutter? I told you to get lost" Lacey narrowed her eyes at him as he took a sit next to her swinging his legs over the edge of the roof with the back of his knees brushing the gutter.
"I want to be alone" she scowled, teeth clenched.
"Stop lying" he teased, rolling his eyes at her.
"I liked your poem" he said, handing her the drink" Langton Hughes, right?"
Lacey snorted, tossing her hair over one shoulder and giving him a sidelong glare. She took the glass he offered and took a quick swig, the burn making her cough.
"Sorry, being a wise ass is a hard habit to break"
"Listen, you know a lot and you wanna flex it, I get it" she shrugged her shoulders then guzzled more of the scotch. She didn't care about the burn anymore, she would take it and she would learn to love it.
"Actually that's not accurate but-"he gulped enough to let out a long breath "what do you see when you look at me?"
"What?"
"What do you see; do you recognize me as a man?"
"You're here, with them" she gestured down toward Benny and the rest of his herd standing around the lawn, drinking and smoking "I don't see them as men"
"Correction, I'm here with you"
The gentle hum of his soft voice made her shiver and she wrapped her arms tighter around her knees, slowly rocking back and forth.
"You ever killed anyone?" she whispered, starring into the glittering gold liquid in her glass.
"No" he replied gruffly.
"You ever wanted to?"
"Yes"
"I think funeral after parties might start to grow on me" he teased, arching his eyebrow and grinning at her.
"It's not an after party" Lacey sniffed, glaring back down at the group on the lawn.
"It feels like it, what you call this?" he frowned, gesturing toward the growing gathering.
"A wake"
"I believe a wake is before the formalities" he said "This is an after-party; we're a culture that celebrates death"
"I think we're a culture that celebrates life" she replied, then turned to look back at him "at least we should be"
"We should be a lot of things" he said gravely.
"You wanna shoot some hoops?" she asked, perking up and lurching to her feet. Danny had to grab her hand to prevent her from slipping off the roof.
"Careful," he simpered, the weight of his hand warm around her hand.
#
Strangers are endearing because you don't know them yet, Danny had read that in some book while he had been in lockup. It stuck because that was all he dealt with behind bars, strangers.
"Hey, wake up homeboy!" Lacey laughed, tossing him the basketball "I'm about to school you in the game"
"Oh, so think you're a ball payer ha?" he winked, bouncing the ball and crossing it over behind his back for a back dribble. Danny could smell the tar under their bare feet, its hot grease tearing up the air in the blistering summer heat.
"You know I am" she replied trying to cover him as Danny threw up a jumper shot behind the three point line.
"What are we playing for?" he requested.
"You got a bet in mind?" she cocked an eyebrow, throwing him the ball again.
"Maybe" he grinned, looping around her.
"You gonna keep teasing or what?" Lacey asked watching the movement of his feet intensely; he dribbled low and fast with his left hand before switching to his right.
"I'll play you for a kiss" he called trying to drive past her. Too fast and not fazed by his bluff, Lacey stole the ball, dribbling it between her legs then behind her back.
"You're on" she chortled huskily, dribbling past him and ducking under his extended arm to jump for the basket. Realising the ball with one hand, Lacey dropped it through the basket, above the rim. It was the recoil that threw her off balance as she fell down on top of Danny.
Squealing in pain, he felt the weight of her body on every inch of his body. Her warm breath fanning his cheek, her breasts pressed against his chest, her thighs brushing his thighs. Suddenly, Danny's back didn't hurt anymore with her lying on top of him like that. He closed his eyes and really felt the moment, the gravity of it. Pressing her hands on either side of him, Lacey slowly pushed herself up then reached for his hand to help pull him up.
It took Danny a while to realize that he had been holding his breath and it was only when he gasped for air that he took in everything around Lacey, the quaking green leaves around her, the electric air around her and the heady lilac smell of her.
"You don't play fair" he said plucking a twig from her messy curls.
"If you find it hard to punch yourself, I'll happily do it for you" she snapped at him, drawing back into her shell again.
"Sarcasm, the protest of cowards" Danny called, watching as she jogged back into centre court swinging the ball between both hands.
"Double or nothing" Lacey challenged him, bouncing the ball once before holding onto it, she was testing him and searching for his flaws. Quickly, before Danny even knew what was happening, she was dribbling again, driving past him with big giant strides before shooting a three-pointer.
Fifteen minutes later, they were slumped up against the wall watching the rest of the crew winding up and down the wiry tarred lanes relishing in the block party celebrating Rita's life.
Lacey was braver than him, Danny thought. All that time while he was in juvie he'd always wondered what the outside would look like. The outside looked like her, everything moved around her. She thought she was tagged and labelled, sorted in some box but Danny saw her differently, he saw hope when he looked at her. Lacey had heart and she didn't even know it yet.
"I remember you"
"You do?"
"Yeah, I do" she said simply before taking a swig from her glass. She held out her glass and Danny refilled it to the required brim.
It must have been scotch induced stupidity, that's the only motive he could perceive, the only reason he would be dumb enough to kiss Lacey Porter with Cesar only meters away from them.
"Are you drunk?" she asked.
"I'm not sober" he replied, his eyes gliding over every single sweet inch of her.
Lacey reached out behind him to grab the half-empty bottle. Her face was so close his face, so close that he could count all the eyelashes dusting the tops of her cheekbones; see the tiny quiver of her bottom lip just before she sucked it between her teeth. Danny heard a thousand million humming birds fluttering around inside his chest, a zillion heartbeats throbbing inside his throat and his temples.
Danny swallowed hard, his gaze dropping to her lips.
He wanted to kiss her,
He was going to kiss her