A big thank you to my reviewers as always especially wRiTeR'S bLoCK is AWFUL, Airlady, SMUSH04, LillyLupinXD and any other frequent reviewers I might have missed :D

To Risk

Lily

The sun had set an hour ago and the stars were beginning to appear. I wasn't meant to be here, my logical brain told me, I wasn't meant to be up after curfew. It was completely silent, completely still, and the night sky was beautiful and calm and just how it had always been. Just like it would always stay. The sky didn't change - those bulbs of light would be there no matter how many people died, no matter how many Dark Lords rose to power. Standing here, at the highest point of the only home I had left, I felt a peace and sadness I hadn't felt in a long time.

I was thinking about what James had said, what he'd said about the stars. It was the sort of logic that didn't fit into my head because I had grown up in the muggle world where everyone knew that the stars were just other suns light years and light years away. Standing here though, on the Astronomy tower, I could truly see what they'd been talking about. Looking up it was easier to understand than the science. Perhaps neither and both were right, who to say there can't be more than one answer? It did feel like they were watching me, like those little balls of light, so small that by reason you shouldn't even be able to see them, really were conscious. If my parents were up there looking down on me, well… that was a comforting thought. They would not wish for me to waste away my life without taking risks.

There had to be a reason I was in Gryffindor. I thought of everything I had done… but what? What could be called brave out of my life? I had… nothing. Where was the bravery in going to school? Was it brave to be intelligent? I didn't care what I said to people, I had shouted enough time at those who annoyed me (namely James), that held a certain amount of courage…

I'd never taken that one risk, the one I had always pushed to the side.

And my excuse had been "He never leaves me alone and every girl in the school thinks he's good looking". It was true, it really was. All the girls did gather around him, the Quidditch star, the Marauder... And he never would leave me alone; he'd been the constant pain in my side for the last few years and beyond. I'd told myself he did it to get on my nerves but the look Lara had given me when I'd said that… Lara had said… what was it? "He may be a jerk sometimes but he is a good-hearted jerk" but…

I remember the looks he'd given me, those broken looks in the hospital wing like I was going to disappear at any moment. He liked me, duh, but what did I feel? What did I honestly feel?

You've liked him for years.

I hadn't had I?

You've been too scared you'd be disregarded after a few months, like Black used to do to his girls.

Well I guess that was true but that didn't mean I liked him.

But look at Black now.

Well… he had to settle down eventually…

Look at James now.

So what if he's stopped being an annoying prat? So what if he's been comforting me? This was all beside the point, I trying to figure out how I feel – not the ignorant little toe rag with large hazel eyes and those stupid glasses and messy black hair…

Just listen to yourself.

Well…

That's beside the point too. I told myself stubbornly.

Then what was the point? Does he like you? – Yes. Do you like him? – Yes. What are you waiting for?

"You were put in Gryffindor for a reason: you're brave, so take a risk" I whispered out loud and felt determination fill my voice. I guess it was like what I said to Lara all that time ago.

Regulus

My heart thudded in my chest as I stared up at the old manor house through the cold twilight. The air felt heavy, unwelcome and stiff in my lungs and sweat clung like cold beads to my brow under the cool metal. I licked my dry lips under the mask. The building was large and had a dominating air about it. The stone walls were shear and stuck up out of the hills like a sore thumb. All around the sky was drawing in and cloaking the building in dark grey clouds, the pasty yellow lights from the windows seeming not to touch the outside world. I felt ill.

"Come, the Dark Lord is waiting" the forbidding voice of the Death Eater said next to me, a very real hint of impatience in the gruff voice.

I nodded, trying to hide just how scared I really was. I took one last look at the building of the Grey family and then stopped in my tracks again, to the annoyed grunt of the black robed figure.

A form in a murky window was peering down at us. The face was mostly in shadow and for a moment I thought I had imagined it because as soon as it was there it had gone again. The face was imprinted on my thoughts though. It had been ghostly pale, standing out against the dark, and her featured, because it had defiantly been a woman, had been sunken so that her eyes looked like dark holes. I hadn't seen the expression but something about the face had struck my heart to the core. Who was she?

"Come" I shook myself, pulling my eyes from the now empty window, and followed him towards the building.

The doors swung open at our approach and we entered into a high ceilinged entrance hall. There was a wide stone staircase winding up one side of the room and various doors led off into other parts of the house. Everything was dark apart from the moonlight drifting in through the skylight and other thin twisting windows. The shadows seemed to be accentuated and stretched out below my feet. There was one door, the one I was being led to, that had a poison green glow dancing beneath the frame.

I couldn't think anymore, I was shaking beneath the long black cloak and to my vision came the poignant figure of my brother. Oh if he could see me now. It my mind he radiated deep disappointment and in his dark eyes I could see exactly what he thought of me. Who are you? They said, who are you that wears the face of the brother I grew up with? Who are you?

Why was I here?

I wanted the things the Dark Lord offered, yes; I wanted the freedom for Witches and Wizards. I wanted us to be able to walk out of our homes without worrying the Muggles will find out our secret. They were so much weaker than us but there were so many…

I didn't want to kill though.

I didn't want to feel pain, or inflict it on others.

I didn't want to fight…

Why was I here?

Mother was so proud, father too. They believed I was upholding the family name, doing what was right for our people. Showing those blood traitors how proper purebloods were meant to act…

I saw Alex and Larissa. I saw them fighting, dancing, nearly giving their lives. I saw their set faces, her set face, and the fire in their movements and the pure undiluted energy they put into what they did. They were fighting, they were fighting against what they didn't believe in. They were fighting this.

The Death Eater pushed the door open and I saw a long room, a hall, with a green fire at the end and a cobwebbed chandelier with emerald flames on the ends of the everlasting candles. There was a single high backed chair at the far end and all around the room, sitting on the window ledges, leaning on the walls, were the Death Eaters. The silver of their metal masks glistened within their black hoods with the green lights reflecting off the embossed surfaces crudely. Their heads turned to me and from the eye holes I saw the glints of appraising eyes, mad eyes, dangerous eyes, hungry eyes. They were like wolves eyeing a new arrival and I almost expected them to start circling me in crouched positions. They shifted as I walked and their backs straightened warily with their arms loose at their sides or folding into crosses. The air was thick and too warm and every sound was heightened. The floor was stripped with long shadows from the many thin windows and I felt like I was slowly walking to my death.

Was this the same place where Larissa got that scar? Where she and her brother screamed and writhed. Was this the place?

I reached the end of the room and the Death Eater that had accompanied me from school stepped to the side to join the others standing around. He blended into the mass of black figures till I didn't know which one he was. Next to the chair there were two figures, both of them unmasked and proud. One was a tall broad man that stood straight next to the chair, leaning against the mantel piece casually. His face nearly made be step back. I knew him, but I didn't. He was Alexander Grey senior: Larissa's father. He was a direct replica of his son, though his face was harsher, more twisted and lacked the youthful joy of the junior. His grey eyes were filled with subtly boredom and cunning as he looked at me. It was as if I were a dog that was being appraised on the terms of obedience, viciousness and breed. It sent a wispy shiver through my bones. The other was a woman who sat on the floor with long legs spread out over the cold stone. She was leaning back on her arms and black wild hair fell over her back as she sent me a wild and proud look. She was dressed in a tight fitting corset which was as revealing as it was treacherous. She screamed danger and in her black, heavy lidded, eye I could see a restless eagerness. Nice to see you too Cousin Bellatrix.

I stopped several meters from the high backed chair and fell to my knees in a semi deliberate / semi just because my knees wanted to way.

"My Lord" I gasped out as I looked determinedly at the gap between two slabs of stone.

"Regulus Black" came the reply from the shadows of the chair and I felt my knees shake under me as I gasped as quietly as I could for breath. That voice. It cut through every defence I had tried to form in my mind. It was tempered with a hiss, an evil seductive voice that was omniscient and had my heart bashing frantically at the cages of my ribs. He's only said two words!

"So you would like to join my ranks? A wise decision Mr. Black, I would expect nothing less of one of such noble blood… Are you quite sure?" I winced. As if I could say no to that question.

"Yes My Lord, I am certain" I gasped out, feeling them wrap around me like an oath.

Merlin, I was actually doing this.

"Good, very good" The voice hissed and my breathes came in short fast gasps "Raise your left arm"

With a pit in my stomach I slowly rolled up the sleeve of my robe and presented the inner forearm to the figure. From the darkness a long pale hand with thin bony fingers tipped with pale pointed smoky blue nails emerged. I watched in mortified sick curiosity as the icy fingers grabbed my wrist and a wand was jabbed into my pale skin.

I saw a brief flash of black tendrils rising into the air above my arm, twisting in a hypnotising movement, before they came down like a hundred razor pins into the flesh of my arm. The pain was like fire and I cried out and crumpled onto the floor. The skin of my arm was twisting and boiling and the stench of black magic overrode my brain.

Then it was gone and I was left panting on the floor.

"Welcome Regulus Black" The hiss said and I felt strong arms hooking under my arm and pulling me to my feet. It was another Death Eater and I looked up to see the face of my new master towering above me with the green glow of fire on his face. I gasped. It was a waxy white face with dark eyes and black hair and all of the features were angular and pronounced. It was unnatural, warped and inhuman. It showed no emotion and it was like something out a nightmare or a Dark Arts textbook. I recalled the draw out bony faces of banshees or the blood curdling image of a soul crushing poison that broke down everything that you were made of till you were a whimpering broken figure of just white bone and flayed skin. I bowed my head to him.

"Thank you master" my voice broke.

The Death Eater at my side pulled me to the side and I watched in revulsion as the Dark Lord stepped out from the shadows and slid down the hall, his eyes resting on all of us in turn. He spoke to some of them about various attacks, about outposts and who was under the imperius curse. I could hardly listen as I studied the black and still stinging mark now imprinted forever on my arm. It was a black inky skull with a snake protruding from its mouth and twisting around itself and my arm. It was rank with magic that I could feel in my blood and in the taste on my tongue. It was disgusting, I felt tainted and suddenly I realised just what I had done.

"Would you take your head out of the clouds? You're going to get yourself killed" the voice of a Death Eater muttered next to me, drawing me out of my thoughts. I started, recognising the voice.

"Irvine?" I whispered and I could see through the slits in the mask his eyes rolling.

"Regulus Black" I looked up in fright, thinking I had been caught talking, and saw the Dark Lord walking towards me "I have a mission for you, a way for you to... prove your loyalties." There were cackles of laughter and I gulped.

I nodded then, feeling it not to be enough, raised my voice.

"Of course My Lord, anything"

He 'smiled'… or at least I think he did, I couldn't really tell.

"Such enthusiasm" He laughed high and cold and I bit down on my lip to resist shivering. "You see Mr. Black we have a little problem concerning a certain pair at Hogwarts" my eyes widened "and our Alexander is missing his children very much" I turned my head to eye Mr. Grey in the corner of my eye and saw the look of complete mad hatred plain on his face. Please Merlin let this not be happening to me, anything but this. Anything…

"Want we need you to do is bring us Larissa Grey"

Lara

Spring was turning before Alex was let out of the Hospital wing. The shoots were pushing out of the moist soil and the trees were growing fresh and green, laden with lush leaves. The sky was clear and the wind gentle as it swept over the hills. I spent so much time basking in the sun and cool air on the shores of the lake with Remus and chatting with Hagrid about creatures and the forest. Lily and I liked to visit Professor Sprout in the greenhouse of exotic plant and help her just because it was so alive in there. Everything was beautiful and light and life was good again. In fact, it was better than it had ever been for me. I was relishing in the love and beauty around me. Remus with soft kisses and gentle feather touches, Lily with her blazing eyes and smile, Sirius bounding down the corridors with laughing eyes, James staring adoringly at Lily as he pranced around the school, Amy and Tabby with their yin/yang-ness, Alice and Frank who were as gooey and in love as ever and even Snape, the idiot, was slowly becoming slightly more comfortable around me. That didn't mean he'd stopped insulting me every time I waylaid him but it was a start. And besides, I liked to think there was a friendly sort of banter to our insults.

I was happy.

Simply said.

I was currently walking with Remus to the forbidden forest, our hands clasped. I loved the way he would almost absently kiss my ear or cheek and the little smiles that just brushed his eyes as he looked at me. I loved the warm closeness of his mind next to mine, the way he never cared if I accidently answered a though instead of a word but just sparkled his gold-blue eyes at me.

Hagrid pocked his head around the fence to his garden and seeing me he raised a hand in greeting. He'd gotten used to my occasional wonderings into the boarders of the forest. He didn't tell me off but just gave me that look that said I was technically allowed but he trusted me.

"I'm just introducing Remus to Umbra" I called to him and he smiled his wrinkled eyed smile and turned back to whatever he was doing.

"Umbra?" Remus asked quietly as we came to the large trees.

I squeezed his hand happily.

"Uh hu, Umbra" I said with grin and he looked at me in the way that clearly said he had no idea what to make of me – again - or shall I say – as usual.

"I see… and who is Umbra?" He asked uncertainly as I pulled him into the shadows of the trees.

"He's my bestest bestest friend" I replied gleefully, leading him to a clearing, loving the slightly worried and confused look in his eyes. It got even better when I started pulling out the raw, bloody meat! Oh his face!

"You know I think I'll rephrase – what is Umbra?" His voice noticeably higher as I gave a high pitched whistle.

I laughed and moved closer to him, kissing him neatly on the nose.

"Aww, is the big bad werewolf frightened?" I whispered teasingly, giggling as he pouted and wrapped his arms around my waist. There was nothing for it, those lips were just too cute when pouting that way – I had to kiss him.

This was how Umbra found us and interrupted with a high chirping noise as he entered the clearing. I turned out of the kiss, as Remus jerked around, and smiled at the Thestral. I slipped out of Remus' arms and picked up one of the bloody pieces of meat to feed to the young Umbra – which was what I had dubbed him upon the second time I came to visit.

"A Thestral! Umbra is a Thestral?" Remus said in shock and I briefly remarked on how his eyes could definitely see the winged horse. Should I ask about that? Maybe later...

"Uh hu. Umbra, meet Remus, he's my boyfriend and you can trust him, kay?" I told the Thestral and he gently nipped my hand in response and butted his head to my chest. I let my hands trail through the thick black hair and over the bones of his shoulders.

Remus slowly edge forward and I smiled at him glad to see him accepting the young Thestral I had been visiting. After that first time of finding the young male Thestral I had visited again, this time with the offering of fresh meat from the kitchens. Hagrid had taught me the call that he used to get the attention of the Thestrals and I had been delighted when the same young Thestral had come to greet me. Hagrid said that it was a sign of great trust that the Thestral returned and that if I kept returning then he would become very loyal to me.

Remus held his hand out nervously to Umbra who turned his glowing eyes onto him with curiosity. The Thestral carefully stepped forward, rustling his leathery wings as he did, and sniffed his palm before nudging it gently. Remus smiled and slowing stroked the stallion on the beakish snout.

"Hagrid said that he will be mature by the end of the summer and could carry our weight" I said and Remus' eye went wide.

"You mean-?"

"Yep, we could go flying" I grinned and stroked the hard oily skin around the joint of the wing. Umbra moved from Remus and nibbled my back making me laugh. He trotted around me and prodded my bag; I rolled my eyes and pulled out more of the meat. "A bit persistent today aren't you?" I hummed as Umbra snatched the food from my hand.

We spent a bit more time down in the forests but had to leave to go to dinner after a while. As we walked up to the school I saw Regulus sitting next to the lake with Irvine, his face grim and undecided. As I watched Irvine nodded and fiddled with the cuffs of his shirt in what I recognised as his stressed reflex. Regulus looked up suddenly and his eye met mine. He looked away quickly but I had seen the look in his eye. I had seen the fear and uncertainty there. Irvine looked up to and quirked his eye brows and gave me a mock salute which I scowled at. I grabbed Remus' hand and dragged him up to school faster with me.

"There is something weird going on I'll give you that" I said as I pulled my hand through my hair. Remus said nothing just frowned and tightened his hand on mine.

Darien

"Why do they just want Larissa?" Regulus said his eyes agonized as he watched Lara storm a way, boyfriend in tow.

He had taken the news that I too was a DE fairly well considering things. He'd also very quickly seen that I was not all that pleased with the new order from the Dark Lord. Don't ask me how he deduced that. This meant I now had to sit around listening to the poor boy going on about what he'd have to do.

"Well, I'd say it because they think it would be crueller to separate the two and leave him here to fret and tear out his heart" I said blandly, not at all amused by my predicament "You know for somebody who doesn't have a clue about love that guy certainly knows how to manipulate the fickle emotion"

I watched in amusement as he winced over my 'that guy' comment. Merlin, you'd think I'd said his name.

We descended into silence. Not that I minded, I'd spent way too much time with this particular fifth year anyway and I didn't want people to start thinking we were friends. We weren't by the way, defiantly not. Okay, so what if we were both, unfortunately, caught up on the same pair of twins and were both now DE's suffering on behalf of said twins and were both never going to get those same twins. You know I was getting to the conclusion the Grey twins were too much trouble...

What great conversation fodder… Shame I'd never use it. He didn't even know I was gay – a fact which would stay exactly how it was thank you very much. I didn't desire conversation. I didn't need somebody to pat me on the back and tell me in a roundabout fashion that I was screwed – I knew that. And I certainly didn't need sympathy. I didn't want it either. Nope.

What use would it do anyway? Soon there was going to be a proud Mrs. Darien Irvine prancing around in all her finery – bought from my money I'll add. I should just forget it all.

"What you think they'll do to her?"

"Wah?" I blinked.

"What you think they'll do to her?"

"Oh… well I expect they'll torture her, add to the scar she already has" He wince but I went on in a bored factual voice "They make her scream just so Al- He knows what is happening to her through their twin connection. They make her-"

"Alright! I get it!"

I smirked, serves him right for asking the obvious.

"Don't you feel any remorse?"

"I'm Darien Irvine" so therefore I do but pretend to not at all cost and lock it in the back of my head till it kills me.

He snorted.

"Right, sorry. I forgot I was talking to the evil Ice Prince of Slytherin. Of course you don't feel remorse because that would make you human wouldn't it?"

"Right in one, well done" I said with a smirk.

"I bet it's a lie though, isn't it?"

"You can make as many assumptions about my character as you like Regulus Black but it won't change how I act"

He was silent, obviously thinking about what I said. I didn't care how he thought about me though.

"Larissa blamed you for what happened to her and her brother... she said you'd done it again... and that mark on your arm: Traitor, we wouldn't have. You used to be friends? But then you betrayed them? What did you do?"

I was cold. I could hold the knowledge of my stupidity inside me well but for other to know, others that I talked to, Regulus to know, that would not help my mask. Truth be told, I had gotten used to the younger Black's presence, it wasn't demanding and I didn't always have to be the Serpent Prince. If he knew...

"Yes. You could say that"

His face became cold and I could just see the forming of reproaching words on him lips. One result of growing up with Legilimenatus was that I had become very good at reading expressions.

I was suddenly angry.

"You know I'd be quiet about now. You don't understand so don't even try to tell me off."

"I wouldn't have-"

"I'll have you know that you are very close to doing exactly the same but for your information if this was anybody but 'your beloved Larissa Grey' then you wouldn't give two shits about what happened to them. The funny thing is that you don't even know her! Did you know that she can play any instrument you hand her? Did you know she hates over cooked vegetable and the sound of glass smashing? Did you know that her favourite colour is sky blue and she is excessively proud of her American impressions? Did you know that it was I who taught her the spell that she used on my arm? Did you know that it was originally a Dark Art's curse? Did you know that she and Alex's souls are combined and to kill one is to kill the other in the most real sense? I bet you didn't, I bet you were thankful when it was Ally who took the curse last month not her. You're like me Regulus, you're an idiot. You're not going to do a thing about this mission because you're too much of a coward to turn you back on the bad side, so don't even try to scold me, and that is why you don't deserve her and why I don't deserve-" I bit my lip, anger still pulsing in my veins. Damn I hope he didn't hear that.

Obviously I had no such luck.

"Don't deserve who?" He urged with his own anger, mingled with shock, in his voice.

I didn't answer but got to my feet and he followed me as I stomped away.

"What do you mean I'm like you?"

Just don't answer him, just keep walking.

"Why do you call him 'Ally'?"

I froze.

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