Middle Earth Virtual Tours
Disclaimer: see chapter 1.
Author's Note: Hooray, so many reviews! The Author shall answer them after she survives this next tour:
Mordor
Welcome to Mordor, the hottest place on Middle Earth and the only place where you can find a volcano. I apologise for this rather late tour as it was a pain trying to plan the entire trip without Sauron or any of his minions knowing. I hope that you have taken the advice of our travel agency to buy a fireproof and heat proof protection suit, seeing as you have not heeded the agent's advice to not sign up for the tour in the first place. You might have tried to buy some travel insurance to cover your tour; however, you would have discovered this is not possible as the mortality rate is too high for any insurance to cover. Well well if you decide not to enter Mordor now you may turn back, but you will not get your money back, seeing as you did not pay anything to come here in the first place
Black Gate
We are currently standing right at the entrance of the Black Gate. This is the place where many great battles took place, and it is rumored that another great army lead by the rather reckless King Aragorn himself will be coming here soon (seriously, is he not even worried that he will die in this battle and thus ending the line of Elros, which so many people have painstakingly tried to protect? Commanding the army is fine, but personally fighting? That seems too dangerous for an only heir to do.). Right at the slopes here is where Frodo and Sam once slipped down from and only just missed detection because the soldier did not realize that it was odd to have a large stone amongst a sea of sand. You may take some pictures here, but we regret that we will not be able to show you the exact spot where Frodo and Sam were as their travel path is supposed to remain a Secret.
We will be entering Mordor through another more significant and interesting route as it is said that this iron-wrought spiky gate is troll operated and so will not work in the morning. We do not suggest any attempts to climb over it as you may easily be impaled by the spikes on top.
Minas Morgul
Find this place familiar? That's right, this is where the Nazguls rode/ flew out from to search for the 'Bagginses'. The whole tower is very tall and seems to be bathed in some aurora-like green light, a major technical feat only recently accomplished by some of the more brilliant minions of Sauron which have been trained in lighting effects so as to make the entire place seem more sinister.
Interestingly, this place was initially founded by Isildur and built by the men of Gondor. How handy it must have been for Sauron when he found this place, though looking at how weathering weakened Gondor, he had ordered metal to substitute most of the stonework to strengthen the building- a good move, I must say. At least it will not crumble that easily.
We will now enter the building. We shall soon have to climb a lot of stairs, so please change into your hiking boots. We should really charge people for climbing stairs as it is essentially a slimming down activity, but as no money is made in the process of bringing people on tours, we have to let go of this money making opportunity.
Shelob's lair
Knife? Ready. Anti venom? Ready. The Light of Earendil? What? No one has been to Lothlorien before? Oh dear. But you do have the modern version of the Light, known as the Torchlight, right? Yes, I suppose so. Let's enter the cave!
Hmmm it seems like someone has been here before. The webs have been cut. What's this? I believe this was Shelob, the lair's owner. Oh dear, it seems like the giant that had recently broken the Middle Earth Records as being the Largest Surviving Spider is now dead, stabbed by something child size, like a hobb- oops, I mean, eh small Orc! It is curious, though, that the bits of web on the floor that seems to have been part of a casing the small Orc is different from the webs gracing the lair. I wonder if Shelob had different types of silk for different purposes.
From this place onwards, you must be in constant vigilance as you may accidentally be killed by orcs or taken back to their prison for looking different from orcs. Should you suddenly feel like an Orc is suspicious of you, mutter some curses or hiss the word 'Shire, Bagginses' and you shall be fine.
Barad dur
This is Barad dur, the tower where the flaming eyeball resides. Contrary to popular belief, that eyeball is not Sauron itself for Sauron still needs to command his army who would not understand his commands through only glares and stares. Should he be an eyeball, he would also be the saddest Maiar on Middle Earth, seeing as he cannot even sleep as he has no eyelid. At this point, however, I must emphasise that you should not be wearing any rings in case you happen to possess the One and thereby drawing the Eye's attention to us. By the way, this is also the tallest tower in Mordor and perhaps even the tallest in Middle Earth which would have made a really good observatory tower if there were no clouds in Mordor. As a lookout post, however, it seems questionable seeing as it is almost in the middle of Mordor rather than its outskirts.
Mount Doom
We are now nearing the mouth of Middle Earth's only active volcano, Mount Doom! From here, you may observe an opening in the volcano, where red light is coming through. That is the entrance to reach the heart of Mount Doom. Rumors have it that Elrond led Isildur to the heart itself, but after much verification, it is believed that that rumor initially arise to give a short introduction to the Second Age, but it has since been used by Sauron to teach new servants how weak Men actually are. Please do put on your fire and heat proof gear now as we will be entering the volcano and coming close to molten lava, which is a few hundred degrees Celsius.
We are now in Mount Doom, the only place where you can feel and see lava beneath your feet without being vaporised. Again, there are no railings, so please be careful. No, you may not throw any rings or jewellery in there as this would undoubtedly attract attention from Sauron, who will vanquish us and ensure that we never make it back again. Also, to attract attention would mean that Sauron will realize that he had forgotten to add metal bars to seal the entrance to this very important place (he had ordered that to be done a long time ago, but the orcs forgot to do it), which could potentially ruin the whole story. Oh dear, there are no Sauron's minions in this tour group, are there?
We shall have a barbeque here for lunch, where you can rest assure that you are not the main course as long as you do not attract attention. I have brought some meat and vegetables which we can roast over the lava using sticks provided, so do enjoy this rare privilege which the inhabitants here do not have. We regret that you would not be able to enjoy Mordorian cuisine as a cook that passes our hygiene standards could not be found. Should you wish to join us on the next tour, please press the review button to contact our agency.
Middle Earth Virtual Tours: the only tour that is free, fast and 100% safe. Maybe.
Author's Note: (Yay I survived!)
Thank you so much for your kind reviews, horseyay, Mirlasse, OneSizeFitsAll, Lily Lindsey-Aubrey, icprncss2, Aria Breuer, Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant!
To horseyyay: no worries about that! I'm glad you loved it :) I hope you have made a truce with those kittens :)
To Mirlasse: Thanks for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed your tea :)
To OneSizeFitsAll: Hmm maybe The Author would start a story involving haircuts when she is in an evil mood. You never know. Also, thanks for your comments about the story! I agree, it did help to speed things up a bit. But it would have been interesting to see elves being interested in hobbits :) The Author has clarified with the inn keeper that 1 gold piece will be charged to pose as any of the hobbits- that is why this inn has grown bigger these few years. You may see the room where the Nazgul slashed up the sheets if you do not mind waiting as there is currently a very long queue to that room.
To Lily Lindsey-Aubrey: Oh dear, it seems like The Author made a slip there (thanks for pointing it out!) Luckily, the food is virtual, so nothing was wasted :) I'm glad you enjoyed reading it!
To icprncss2: Barrow downs and Tom Bombadil is likely to be in a separate story if enough people sign up for it, and if The Author is free to bring people around. Yes hobbits do love eating :)
To Aria Breuer: Yes, hobbits have their own currency (I think) :) The food is an alternative in this parody. Thanks for liking the story!
To Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant: Thanks for the review! I enjoy reading your stories, by the way; indeed, this chapter was partly inspired by your story, "Amazing Middle-earth Vacation Spots" (Mordor) so please update that story soon! And yay, a fan of Elrond! I am sure he would be glad, after how the movie partly destroyed his character. Kidnapping Glorfindel would be difficult, though kidnapping his horse may be another story :)
To ccgaylord: I'm so sorry I missed you out the first time round! Thanks for enjoying this story and leaving a review :) I enjoy reading your Survival of the Fellowship! And yay someone recognized The Matrix :)