Middle Earth Virtual Tours

Author's Note: Hello, I'm back, hopefully with slightly more humor. Thank you everyone for all your wonderful reviews so far, and for adding my stories to your favourites! Do enjoy the (hopefully) long awaited chapter!

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or anything, just my own ideas. I did not write for benefit, nor did I aim to insult anyone in this story.

Greenwood

Welcome, everyone, to the Greenwood tour! Before we start, may we please remind you not to mention the word Mirkwood under any circumstances, just in case the elves decide to kick us out into the spider infested forest halfway through our tour, which would not be amusing. Please also check that you have brought appropriate antivenom as suggested by the tour agency, along with long knives to kill spiders with. If you ever think that a spider is going to attack you, the best thing to do is to run and hide in small places where there are no webs. You will also be furnished with a lighter to chase these spiders away if things become rather desperate.

Dol Guldur (far away)

Before we enter Greenwood, it is a must to catch a glimpse of the dark tower near Greenwood and marvel at the ability of King Thranduil's forces to keep them at bay. Unfortunately, we cannot linger here for long for that will increase our chances of becoming spider bait, which the Author is trying to avoid becoming.

Doors of Greenwood

Here is the entrance to Mirk-GREENwood. Before we enter the realm, may we please suggest that you hide most of your jewels away, leaving only the plainest to be seen? The King is a little obsessed with gems and jewels, thus it may not be a good idea to let him see any beautiful gems, unless you wish to lure him to your realm (The Author should not have suggested that; if a Mary Sue ever tries to (and successfully) lure the King and either him or Prince Legolas finds out, please do not put the blame on the Author for she still wants to live to bring people around. Thank you.)

In the event that there are dwarves in the tour group, may we suggest that you either make a detour here and hide somewhere else, or wear the pair of stilts given to you and claim that you are bearded men—unless you wish to possibly end up being imprisoned.

Now that everyone looks reasonably human, the Author shall give a fancy knock on the doors to announce our entrance into the realm.

Cells

These here are the cells in which the 13 dwarves were imprisoned. All the cells here are rather nicely decorated and quite spacious, though one cannot help but question why they were not all locked up in adjacent cells on one floor so that one or two guards would have been enough to guard the 13 of them. Also, it is questionable why the elves would bother building so many cells when it seems like no elves get imprisoned here and elves usually kill orcs immediately rather than keep them in cells. Perhaps King Thranduil had some foresight that he might one day imprison many dwarves and so built a large number of cells? No idea. Movie watchers would perhaps wonder at how despite the cells being on different floors, Bilbo seemed to be able to get all of them out without climbing the stairs or meeting any guards, to which the Author shall answer by reminding the readers that no one guards these cells when the King is having a party (Oh dear, a security breach!).

Interestingly, Gollum was once also imprisoned in one of these cells, and the Author is convinced that whilst it is perhaps true that Gollum was accidentally released partly due to the orc raid, he was let go possibly also because his screeching voice hurt the ears of the elves too much, especially since even the Author winces at his voice. And also maybe because most of them had no idea what Gollum was and was talking about and so did not think it important to guard him too much.

The throne room

This is the throne room of Greenwood, housed amongst the roots and branches of trees. The Author must say that she loves the fancy ornaments and how the roots intertwined together so beautifully, but is once again wary of the danger of falling off due to the absence of railings. The throne is certainly majestic, with the long spiralling staircase that seems to elevate the throne to a ridiculous height. The throne itself, though, seems surprisingly undecorated for an elf King like Thranduil—one would perhaps have expected more gems or perhaps more colours to the throne. There are some, however, who are convinced that there is a mirror tucked away somewhere so that the King can maintain his perfect hair wherever he goes, though no one has yet verified that. Also, the Author cannot help but remark that the distance from the entrance/exit of Greenwood seemed too close to the throne room—the fact that guards can be called out to close the door as Legolas walks a little from the throne seem to mean that if orcs were to dash into Greenwood, the first place they would reach is the throne room, hence its location does not seem to make much sense. One would expect the throne room to be tucked away in the centre of the city far away from any well-known entrance.

Speaking of city, it seems like Greenwood curiously lacks common inhabitants. Whilst there seem to be housing for the commoners in most of the cities, the houses in Greenwood seem to be absent. Of course, they could also just be extremely well hidden to make the entire city seem more natural and better for hide-and-seeks and mazes.

We will take a few minutes break here for all of you to take pictures. Please do not attempt to ascend the throne because only the King is allowed up there. You may, however, take pictures whilst posing as Legolas or the King himself as long as you do not make fun of either of them. Unfortunately, we regret that we would not be able to see either the King or the Prince in person today as both are out hunting. We also regret that we are unable to show you their private rooms for fear of the presence of any Mary Sues in the group that would do much evil with that knowledge.

The cellars/basement

Here is the cellar where Bilbo famously helped the dwarves to escape. As one can see, there is a large stock of Dorwinion here, declared by many Greenwood elves to be the largest and best stock of Dorwinion in the whole of Middle Earth (and possibly the whole of Earth, seeing as there is no Dorwinion here). Given the large number of bottles of wine in this place, it is not surprising then that the elves guarding the cellars were drunk when Bilbo helped the dwarves to escape, for which Greenwood elf can resist taking a sip of "the best wine of Middle Earth" when there are so many bottles around?

To any wine lovers here, should any of you wish to buy a few bottles, you are most welcomed to. Highly diluted samples will be passed around now to ensure that all of us will be sober enough to leave this place walking upright after drinking it. For those of you who would love to purchase a bottle or two, a normal bottle of Dorwinion would cost about 1 gem each and an excellent bottle of Dorwinion would cost about 5 gems each. If any of you happen to possess the Silmaril, it is suggested that you hide it until you leave this palace for most of the elves here do not have good impressions of the jewel despite it being perhaps the prettiest piece of jewellery available.

We will now proceed to one of the smaller halls for our lunch, where you can savour the best of Greenwood cuisine. We regret to say that all the dishes involve a small amount of wine, thus if any of you are allergic to wine, it is perhaps best to stick with drinking water. Meals for children, however, have been specially prepared to be without wine, though the Author cannot promise them to be 100% wine free. If you are a wine-lover, we suggest that you do not eat too much as we will later be leaving this place by barrel riding, which the King has very kindly given us permission to. The Author promises this to be rather safe as life jackets would be provided, though if you are feeling adventurous, you may choose not to wear them. Do enjoy your meal now, and should you wish to reserve a place for the next tour, please click the review button.

Middle Earth Virtual Tours: the only tour that is free, fast, and 100% safe. Maybe.