A/N: Disclaimer – Stephenie Meyer owns the characters, I own what they do in this story.
A/N #2: IMPORTANT
Please note that the rating for this story has now changed. I would consider it hard R more than NC17, but I've changed the rating to MA to be on the safe side.
Thanks again for all of your reviews – I might not have the time to respond to them (it's indoor soccer season and outdoor Spring season has started as well – for both of my boys) but that doesn't mean I don't treasure each and every one. Thank you all for your continued support and it thrills me no end that you're enjoying my little world.
This chapter is dedicated to rainpuddle13 - my beta, my girl, and the epitome of awesome.
And sending a massive amount of love to m81170 for the fabulous banner she made for this story. It's on my profile over at Twilighted and on my LJ writing journal, rushhourmuse, because has issues with images.
Interlude ~ Edward
She was gone. No matter how many times I tried to tell myself that this was the right thing, the only thing, I couldn't seem to move past that one, unassailable fact.
Bella was gone. She wasn't ever coming back.
I thought I had dealt with that a year ago, when I'd watched from the shadows as she boarded a plane to Jacksonville. I thought the pathways were set, coping mechanisms in place to move past the loss.
I was finding now, however, that my mind had never truly given up on the idea that she would find me, that she would come back and be a part of my life again. Because the pain now as I watched the endless chasm of my life without her stretch before me was more than I'd ever felt.
It kept me frozen in place, unable to move, unable to speak. Because if I did… If I took that first step, said that first word, it would start. The hell of my life without Bella. And I was cowardly enough to want to delay that as much and as long as possible.
"Has he moved yet?"
"Not so much as a twitch since I got back from taking her home, no."
"And you tried talking to him?"
"Emmett, if it were possible for me to lose my voice, I would have hours ago. He's not listening. Not even my thoughts are getting through."
Of course her thoughts were getting through. I was frozen, not dead. Well, not in that sense. Technically, I'd been dead for over ninety years. And I'd continue for another ninety, and another, and another. I watched it draw out in front of me, that endless path of "life."
From the moment I'd acknowledged my love for the frail human girl I had just begun to know, I saw very few possible paths. All of them led away from her toward a life of watching her, loving her, from afar. None of those grand intentions had come to pass, however. Bella had seen to that with her stubborn determination to disregard her own personal safety.
A determination I was only just now beginning to understand, to feel the depths to which she'd hold to a course once her decision was made.
It was ludicrous. The very idea that there was nothing more for us, that we would carry on our lives away from each other, that I could lose her over something as unimportant as sex was ludicrous.
Was it that unimportant, though? Was it really?
I thought back to how she felt in my arms while I kissed her, how it felt when she'd brushed against me – the shock of unanticipated pleasure through my unschooled body. Venom had welled in my mouth, yes, but that response had been secondary. For the first time in my endless existence, I'd felt another need beyond thirst. Another siren's call apart from the burning in my throat.
The need for her body had eclipsed the need for her blood. For any blood. I'd forgotten that I was a vampire. In that moment, I'd been as mortal as she – with a mortal man's need for the woman in his arms.
A need she'd felt as strongly as I had.
A need I could never satisfy for her. Not without dooming her, or killing her. Neither of which was an option.
Which left one course, and one course only. A life without her.
Barren. Empty. Endless.
"Emmett, what are you doing with that?"
My mother's voice reached me as I struggled with the grief, and pulled me from the abyss that stared into me just as I stared into it.
"If he's gone completely statue," I heard Emmett call out, much closer than I'd expected him to be, "might as well make him decorative."
The sheer absurdity of that statement forced my eyes to blink, my mind to focus.
And I realized I was still standing in my room, but I was now holding a large vase of fresh flowers.
"What the hell is this?" The words came out before I'd realized the paralyzing shock had finally broken.
"Well, well. Frankenstein's alive after all," Emmett grinned. "Shame. I was thinking you'd make a great addition to the living room."
Carefully, because both Esme and Alice would have my head if I ruined the arrangement, I set the vase down and turned to glare at my brother. He met my glare with the blasé face only Emmett could pull off.
"So. Planning on removing your head from your ass and going after her? Or are we in for an eternity of angst because you're a stubborn idiot without a clue?"
"Emmett," I growled in warning, body sinking into a half-crouch automatically. He copied my motion.
"Bring it, little brother. I've a mind to do a bit of damage after what you did earlier."
"And what," I ground out between clenched teeth, "did I do to you?"
"To me personally? Nothing. But you made Bella cry. And I dunno if you've noticed, but I protect my family, Edward. No one, not even you, makes one of my sisters cry and gets away without some payback."
"She's not your sister, Em," I said, rising from my crouch, defeated. "She's gone."
"Only if you're stupid enough to not go after her," Emmett replied, smacking my shoulder and making me stumble. He watched me for a moment then sighed. "Which you're not going to do, are you?"
I couldn't answer, my body was trying to freeze up again from the pain. Emmett, naturally, was having none of that.
"So, now that you've given up your statue impersonation, you going to tell me just what the hell happened?"
"No, I'm not."
"Didn't think so, but it doesn't matter. We all heard it anyway. And may I be the first to call you a complete idiot? Honest to God, I've never known anyone more prone to fucking up his own happiness than you."
"Emmett," I growled, the only warning I was capable of issuing, ire rising in me again like molten lava.
"It's true, Edward and you know it. So does everyone else, even Bella. Always did think she was a smart little thing. I mean, really, Edward? What's the big deal?"
"What's the big deal?" I repeated, incredulous. "I could kill her. You of all people should understand the loss of control. For God's sake, you and Rose demolished whole houses. What do you think would happen..." I stopped. I couldn't even continue that thought. Warring images were erupting in my mind, Bella's body beneath mine, writhing in pleasure...and then still in death. A single motion. A single snap of control that was all it would take. Certainly this loss, losing her to save her, would be more bearable.
"So change her, as she said. Then you don't have to worry about killing her."
"And doom her to this? Take away her future, a normal human life? You've heard Rosalie go on about her dissatisfaction with our fate enough times to understand why that's not an option."
Emmett merely threw up his hands in frustration and crossed to the doorway. He stopped just outside the threshold to my room and turned back to me. "You know, Edward, either way you've lost her forever. Might want to think about that."
And then he was gone and I was alone again. As I would be, conceivably, for the rest of my existence.
Unless.
I'd spent a while, too long, curled up on the couch and crying out my heartache. It had taken hours but finally my eyes had run dry.
Then I'd sat up, wiped my cheeks, and started my life again. My life without him. Without Edward.
Eventually, I told myself, I'd be able to say that without the grief threatening to bear down and crush me again. It might take a while, but it would happen. I was determined on that point.
I decided to start slowly. Get back into normal routines. So while Charlie tinkered with his cruiser out front, where he'd gone to escape the overflow of female emotions, I searched the fridge and freezer, cobbling dinner together for us.
We ate that night in relative silence, Charlie watching me warily the entire time. I knew he was waiting for a return of the tears, but I knew he was safe. There were no more tears left.
But there was one thing I needed to do, to say.
"Dad," I began, pushing my hardly touched plate away from me. "I wanted...no, I have to...," I took a drink of water and continued, "I'm sorry. For how I left Forks last Spring."
"It's all—"
I cut Charlie off with a raised hand. "No, it's not all right. I said some rotten things that night," I paused, gathering my strength, "things I didn't mean."
Charlie set down his fork and looked at me across the table, my words that night ringing in the silence between us. "Why did you?"
"It's not important now," I mumbled, because it wasn't. Edward and his family had spirited me away that night to protect me, to protect Charlie. There would be no such interference, or a reason for it, again.
I fought to keep the darkness from overwhelming just as it had while I was trapped in the mist.
"I just wanted you to know that it wasn't true, what I said. I loved living here with you, Dad. And I was so glad that I'd had the chance to get to know you again. Really know you."
"Well, that's...that's nice of you, Bells," Charlie grumbled, his cheeks a little pink in his embarrassment from the praise.
I thought the conversation would end there. That Charlie, never comfortable with any sort of long discussions especially where feelings were involved, would beat a hasty retreat to the living room and whatever game was on. I was wrong.
He kicked back in his chair instead and leveled a look at me. For a moment, I saw the cop behind my father's eyes. "Why did you leave, Bella? What happened?"
I looked up at him. The words were actually forming in my mind, finding their way towards my lips – and for a fraction of a second I considered actually telling Charlie that I'd left because a sadistic vampire had been stalking me. But Charlie, by his own admission, didn't know exactly what the Cullens were, and I wasn't going to be the one to open that particular door. Even though my connection to them was now severed, I kept their secret. Charlie's suspicions were one thing, confirming them was quite another.
But I knew I couldn't lie either. So I stuck as close to the truth as I could.
I stuttered a bit as I told him the story, how an acquaintance of the Cullens had arrived while they were playing baseball and became instantly interested in me. Very interested, dangerously so. I told him that the Cullens had been afraid for me, because they'd known what the man was capable of; they wanted me far away. That we'd decided to get me out of Forks without delay for everyone's safety. I watched Charlie's face as I stumbled through the story and I could see him sifting through the details, washing it through the filters of his suspicions. And I could see something..not relief, not exactly, but satisfaction. The puzzle was solved, the questions answered.
My dad and I were a great deal alike in that way. We, neither of us, liked unanswered questions.
"And now you've remembered it all...," he said, his words trailing off.
"Yes, it's all back. Every day of my four months here," I said, the aching sadness of everything I'd gained and lost trying to creep back up my spine again. I thought, in that moment, that the dream me had the right of it. I remembered everything – and that memory had done nothing but bring more pain.
"And the Cullens…." This time his trailing comment was more of a question.
I shook my head. "That part of my life is over now," I replied, amazed that I was able to get the words out around the pain lashing through me.
Charlie's brow furrowed. "I don't understand. After all, after everything…that doesn't make sense, Bells."
"It's true," I said softly, taking a deep breath in, "Edward…didn't want me enough to keep me with him. With his family." The traitor tears were welling in my eyes and I knew I'd have to escape soon or risk subjecting Charlie to another round of female emotions run amok. "Dad. I can't…I can't talk about this yet."
Charlie obviously sensed the impending storm, evidenced by the twin tracks of moisture running down my face, and merely nodded. He pushed back from the table and walked around to where I sat. His hand fell on my shoulder with a light squeeze. "I don't believe that, Bells. Whatever else he is, he's in love with you. Might have been a while, but I recognize that look well enough."
Without another word, Charlie left the kitchen. A few seconds later I heard the front door open and Charlie call back to me that he was going down to LaPush to watch the game with Harry and Billy. The names rang dim bells in my returned memories, my dad's best friends at the nearby reservation, but I didn't dwell on them. I didn't have enough room in my mind for my problems, much less my father's social circle.
Slowly, I made my way up to my room. My legs felt like lead and were shaking by the time I got there. I collapsed onto my bed, waiting for the grief to find me again. But there were no tears this time, I simply pulled my pillow in close to my body and held onto it tight.
"He's right, you know."
The pillow flew out of my arms and across the room as I spun around in shock. My jaw dropped open just as my heart leapt into a dead sprint.
Edward was standing at my window.
Just as it had been in the forest when I'd run from him, every instinct in my body screamed at me to go to him, to hold him and never let go. I couldn't, though. He was here, but it changed nothing. I had to dig my hands into the comforter to keep them from shaking, to keep myself from moving.
It took everything I had left to speak the words I had to say. "Go away, Edward."
"I'm sorry, Bella, I can't do that."
His simple denial shook me to the core. He had to leave, didn't he see that? Couldn't he tell I was barely hanging on?
"You have to. You have to," I said, my voice rising on every word, almost breaking at the end.
"I can't. I told myself I would, that the future stretching before me was the right one, even though it was a dark, barren place. But I can't do it, Bella. I've tried to live without you, even knowing you were safe, relatively happy, I found no comfort in that. The ache of missing you was too great. And now that you've returned, that I've had you in my arms again, I find myself utterly unable to let you go so easily."
It took everything I had to steel myself against his hypnotic words, even going so far as to fist my hands so tightly my fingernails left impressions on my palms. "That's a very pretty speech, Edward, but it changes nothing. I know you love me, just as I love you and I always will. But unless you've changed your..."
I broke off, staring at him in disbelief. "Did you change your mind?"
"Not exactly," he said softly and my anger rose again, quick and intense. How dare he come here and wipe away the small progress I'd been able to make? Angered tears pricked my eyelids, threatening to spill from my cheeks.
"Then I repeat, get out, Edward. I meant what I said earlier. There is no way for this to work unless we can be together, really together."
He was shaking his head and that only angered me further. I felt my hands start to shake and the tears that had welled almost to the point of blinding me spilled over and down my cheeks.
"Do you know why I lost my memories, Edward?" I didn't give him time to answer, I simply plunged on without even taking a breath. "I had a lot of time to think about it today while I wished my memories had never come back. I think I knew, deep down, that it would come to this. That you wouldn't keep me. That's the pain I was guarding myself against. This pain. This..."
My momentum gave out then, so did the anger. It was as if I had purged the last of me, leaving behind nothing but an empty shell. I dropped onto my bed, put my head in my hands, and found the strength for two more words.
"Please leave."
He didn't leave, though. He only moved closer. Closer. Closer. I could feel his cold breath on my face, feel his solid presence in front of me. "Bella, please look at me."
I couldn't. I knew if I pulled my hands away from my face, if I met his dark eyes I would lose myself forever in them, that I'd give him anything just to still be near him. Childishly, I shook my head.
"All right then. If you won't look at me, will you at least listen?"
I debated that for a moment. It was risky, letting him speak, letting his cool, seductive breath wash over me and wipe away all of my resolve. I wanted desperately to shake my head again, to speak my 'No' loud and clear, with no hesitation in my voice. But as always, his voice held me spellbound and all I could do was nod.
"I thought it would be like it was, Bella, like when you left a year ago for Jacksonville with your mother. I thought my conviction that I was doing the right thing would sustain me now as it had then. I thought wrong. I must have harbored some hope that you would return to me in some form back then, because the chasm that opened before me today was filled with pain like I'd ever felt before."
His hands reached up to take my hands away from my face and he didn't have to exert much pressure to do so. What he'd said already had my bones nearly liquefied. "I once thought I could be strong enough to walk away, if that's what was best. But I know now that I'm not. I'm not, Bella. But maybe," his voice dropped to a whisper, "maybe I'm strong enough for this."
His lips were on mine then. Before I could blink, before I could try to move away. And then, I didn't want to move. I just wanted more. As it had been on his sofa, this kiss was new, different, much more intense than any he'd ever given me.
Slowly, and without moving his lips from mine, Edward rose and moved me backwards, pressing me into the mattress, his stone body covering me. I whimpered into his mouth, but when he attempted to move away, my arms locked around his neck. "No," I panted, "that was a good sound. I like the way this feels."
"As do I, Bella. Very much. Too much."
I looked into his eyes, worry in mine. Had I really given in so easily? Of course I had. When had I ever been able to think clearly when he was near me, much less when he was kissing me? My thoughts must have been clear in my face, because he leaned his head down at once and kissed the frown line between my eyebrows.
"I'll admit to being scared, Bella. Terrified. I don't want to hurt you, I've never wanted that. At the same time, I can't knowingly stand back and let you leave me. It will take me some time, to work up to being…to being that close to you. To build my control. That's what I meant when I said I hadn't exactly changed my mind. Can you give me that time, to ease into being close to you this way?"
My eyes searched for his and I was shocked at first to find his image blurred. Then I blinked. The tears fell down my cheeks just as his face became clear again. "Oh, Edward," I sighed, raising one hand to bury deep into his hair, "as long as I know it's possible, yes, I can wait." A blush colored my cheeks and I had to focus on his forehead to continue, "We can go slowly, try other…other things, work up to it, you know?"
He chuckled then, but there was no laughter in his eyes. They were dark with intent as that idea was turned over in his mind. He shifted above me and I gasped when I felt the hard ridge of him pressed against my thigh. There was no shock this time, no uneasiness, just a return of the same spreading heat I'd felt in his bedroom.
There was also no answering stillness in Edward. Instead he moved slightly, arched his hips experimentally, and brushed against my very center. I nearly bucked straight off the bed as the heat turned to fire with just that one touch.
"Edward!" I gasped his name and he cast worried eyes down toward me. I tried to smile, but I was almost too far gone to manage even that much. "Good. Feels. So good." Instinctively, I raised my hips to mimic his motion, trying to emphasize my words with my actions.
I must have been successful, because this time, we groaned together in mutual pleasure.
Edward's hands were everywhere. I barely had time to register the cold touch of his fingers against my stomach, my breasts, my legs, before he'd moved on again. I heard a soft growl, almost frustrated, before the sound of ripping fabric filled the silence in my room. The rush of cool air felt good against my overheated skin and then it was replaced by something infinitely colder. And more glorious.
The rational part of my mind, the very small part still capable of thought in the onslaught of touches and kisses, knew that this could end at any moment. Knew it and was prepared for it. The rest was given over to sensation alone.
Then Edward went still as a statue above me. I managed to wrench open my eyes, to look into his dark pupils and the wonder and uncertainty on his face. "Wha-," I had to stop and start again when I found my voice, "what's wrong?"
"Nothing," he said and for the first time his voice wasn't velvety or musical. It was rough, hoarse, threaded through with the desire I saw in his eyes. "I should stop, Bella. I should…but I don't know if I can." His last words were drowned out as his lips continued to kiss along my neck and shoulder. "I know I don't want to," he added in a gruff whisper at my ear.
"Then don't," I managed through panting breaths, my arms coming up to lock around his neck, trying to hold him to me.
"Promise me," he said at last, his lips trailing a line of cold fire across my collarbone, then down along my breastbone. It felt like my heart would stop beating at any moment from the burn of need coursing through me.
"Promise me," he repeated. "If I hurt you in any way, stop me at once."
"I promis-," I couldn't even finish the word, because in that second, Edward's head lowered and his cold mouth covered my breast and I felt his icy tongue flick against my already distended nipple. I had to work to bite back the scream of pleasure, terrified he'd take it the wrong way and stop. I never wanted him to stop. I wanted to feel this, feel it with him, into forever.
Edward seemed to share my thoughts on the subject, because he took an inordinate amount of time before shifting his talented mouth to my left breast and subjecting me to the same torture all over again. I had no more ability to speak, my only vocalizations coming in sharp pants, deep moans and soft keening as I writhed beneath him.
"You are so beautiful, Bella."
There was a soft whimper in the room when his mouth began kissing its way up my chest, along my collarbone, soft, open mouthed kisses pressing to every inch of skin as he passed over it. It wasn't until the noise came again that I realized I was whimpering. Every time his lips left my skin, I thought for sure that that would be it. That our experiment would be finished. I reminded myself that this was what I'd agreed to, that the aching pit in my stomach would go away…
And then my pep talk became a moot point. Edward didn't leave, he didn't shift away from me. Instead, he met my eyes, shifted his hand, and brushed my core with the tip of his erection. Wildfire bloomed through me again, igniting my nerve endings and setting my heart racing at impossible speeds.
I could only manage one word. "Please."
I would never know if it was my words, my bucking hips rising to meet him, or his own long-denied desires, but Edward gave in. With one motion, with his eyes still locked wonderingly on mine, he closed the last distance between us and thrust himself deep inside me.
I'd been told of pain, or at least I'd overheard that. But there was nothing. No pain, no discomfort. All I felt was him, all I knew was his body joined to mine, all I could reconcile was the sense of utter completeness. I didn't think there could ever be a more perfect moment.
Then his body started to move against mine and he proved me quite wrong.
I was making sounds again, moaning into Edward's mouth when he kissed me, letting my soft keening fill the room when his lips were elsewhere on my face or neck. He seemed to have picked up the pattern of my sounds and didn't tense. He only asked once, checked to be utterly certain he wasn't hurting me. As I'd been unable to speak, all I could do was look up into his dark eyes and try to let everything I was feeling shine through them. It must have worked because his pace increased, his hips moving against me harder, deeper than before.
Acting on instinct, I raised my legs and wrapped them firmly around his hips, holding him tight to me, unwilling to let him go. As I did so, the pleasure radiating through me changed, shifted, heat became tension, curling itself into a ball in the pit of my stomach. There was urgency now, a frantic need for…something. Something I didn't understand. Something I was reaching for, something only Edward could help me find.
"Please," I moaned against his shoulder, not even knowing what I was asking for. He seemed to understand, though, because he moved against me with even more ferocity than before, arching his hips hard into mine, his lips fastened over mine, kissing the very breath from my body.
Before I'd managed to truly understand the tension within me, light suddenly burst behind my closed eyelids. There was pain, pleasure, need, release, and joy wrapped up in the light that surrounded me, that clenched my muscles around him and drew from him the same release he'd wrenched from me. I felt him stiffen above me, felt his body shudder as mine had, and heard my name fall from his lips like the sweetest music.
And then I knew no more.
Interlude ~ Edward
There were no words. In all I had read, in all I had experienced through the thoughts of others…nothing had prepared me for the moment Bella became truly mine. A complete extension of my body as she'd been an extension of my heart since the first time I'd come to this room.
The pleasure of my release was still shuddering through me, each motion of my body set off another round of aftershocks. I rested my weight on my bent arms, elbows and knees holding the majority of my weight off of her so as not to crush her, my lips raining kisses over her forehead and jaw, trying to regain my ability to form words. Were there any words for such a moment?
Her soft, warm breath caressed my cold cheek as she panted beneath me, small moans still issuing from her mouth. I chuckled and kissed her forehead again. In spite of the odds, we'd made it. Together. One. As we would be now through the rest of her life. We would find ways around our differing ages, living apart from society if need be. But we had years to resolve those issues. Years and years. I was certain we could come up with something plausible.
I'd thought I could abide by our compromise. I knew when I'd come here that I would be facing temptations the likes of which I'd never been faced with before, but I thought myself equal to them. I thought if we moved slowly, testing the water for potential rip currents first, that we could eventually reach where we were now. Just as I'd inured myself to her blood when I first met her. I should have known it wouldn't happen that way – that once I'd started to know her intimately, only her pain or her resistance would have been able to stop me. Bella had shown neither. Maybe it was the shock of new sensations that had kept my strength in check, maybe the time my mind spent experiencing and analyzing each new touch; whichever it was, it had not been the struggle I'd anticipated. Being with Bella this way, making love to her, was almost natural, instinctual, and more magnificent than I could have ever dreamed.
I closed my eyes, wishing with everything I had that I could breathe in the room around me, taste it with all of my senses. That wasn't possible now, however. The room was most likely still saturated with the smell of her blood. Of course it would be, Bella had been a virgin just as I had been. It was common knowledge that the breaking of her maidenhead would cause her pain, and a little blood. The scent had hit me when her legs had raised to hold me to her, just as I felt her body begin to spasm beneath mine.
I swallowed the venom that had pooled in my mouth at the memory just as Bella begin to writhe beneath me again, another moan, louder this time, escaping her lips.
"Bella? Bella, what is it?"
She didn't answer, her lips were pressed in a firm line, her whole body starting to shudder. I could feel her hands clenching into fists against my back. My own shook as well, doubt and fear clawing their way up my spine. Had I injured her, broken bones or organs that weren't visible to my eyes?
I was about to start probing her skin for damage when I heard it. It was a sound I'd heard three times before in my lifetime, one that made no sense and had no reason here. The frenetic beat of a changing heart.
Instantly I sprang back from her, panic threatening to shut me down again. Had I…God, had I bitten her? I scanned every inch of her body that my mouth could have possibly touched and found nothing. Then her head fell to the side and I saw it. Two rough, red scratches just under her jawline – deep enough to have broken the skin. Two marks that could only have been made by my teeth. My razor sharp, venom coated teeth.
"Oh God, Bella, no!"
But it was too late. In the seconds I'd taken to revel in the wonder of our joining, I'd lost my opportunity to reverse my own actions.
In my selfishness, I'd doomed her to a life of night.
I barely noticed when my father's hand laid gently on my shoulder.
"We have to move, son. Alice says Charlie will be home in less than an hour." I moved like an automaton when he helped me dress myself, dress Bella, and carry her home. Away from her father, her family, her life, from everything I'd stolen in my most self-centered moment.