Ok this is a really long chapter. I hope I got it all right. Thanks for all the kind reviews and putting my story on your alerts! I really hope you like this chapter.
Twilight belongs to SM!
I pulled off the highway onto the Cullen's long drive. My heart was racing and my palms were sweating. Part of me was ready to turn around and go home, however I was pretty sure between Alice's visions and the sound of my bike they knew I was comming, so there was no point, I needed to get this over with.
Before I knew it the large white house stood in front of me, it was just the same as I had remembered it. I parked my bike, I had run out of the house so fast I didn't even grab my helmet or jacket. I was shaking and wasn't really sure what I was going to say.
Just as I had gotten off my bike, two stone arms wrapped around me almost knocking me to the ground.
"Oh Bella, thank God you are ok!. I am so sorry I left you. I never should have listened to that idiot brother of mine, he thought he was doing what was best for you, but obviously that wasn't the case."
"Alice, you are hurting me. Can you loosen up a bit please?" I asked trying to pry away.
"Oh, sorry Bella, I am just so excited to see you, and alive at that. I was so scared, what were you thinking trying to kill yourself? Do you know what that would have done to me, not to mention what it would have done to Edward?" Alice said as we walked to the porch.
"Alice, I am sure Edward wouldn't have cared much one way or the other." I said feeling the hole in my heart throb.
"I wouldn't be so sure about that Bella, anyway I promised Edward I wouldn't talk to you about him. He wants to talk to you himself." She said looking at me with her beautiful topaz eyes.
"Right, so he can tell me himself that he is leaving and doesn't want me." I said sarcastically trying to cover the pain in my voice.
"So, how is Charlie?" Alice asked trying to change the subject?
I don't know what I was expecting, but Alice hadn't changed one bit, she looked exactly the same as the day she left.
"Um, he is fine I guess. You know Charlie, goes to work, comes home and watch's the sports channel and goes fishing, that is his life."
"I missed you so much Bella, we have so much to catch up on. I told Edward that I wouldn't watch your future when we left, but I still sneaked in peeks when I could, then one day I just stopped seeing you. It was kind of weird actually." Alice said as she played with a piece of her short black hair. "I think it is just because I had been away from you for so long, I am not sure really, but then I got the vision of you trying to off your self. You still haven't told me what the hell you were thinking."
"Everything just hurt too much Alice. After Jake imprinted on Savannah, my heart just couldn't take it anymore, it was all too much." I said clutching my ribs.
"Yeah, Edward told me about you and Jacob Black awhile ago."
"Wait, awhile ago? How would he know about Jake and I. I just told him that today." I said looking at her for more answers.
"Oh, well I mean awhile ago today. He told me when he got back from seeing you." Alice said trying to back peddle.
"Alice, you are lying to me, tell me now what you really meant. How would Edward have known about Jake and I?" I said starting to get frustrated with her.
"No, I can't, I told Edward I would let him talk to you about everything. In fact he is coming out right now to rip me a new one. I made him let me talk to you first, I really did miss you Bella." She said grabbing my hand with her cold hand.
"Yeah, well you should have called me if you missed me, even a letter would have made me happy." I said with tears starting to burn in my eyes.
"I know, I am sorry, I really never should have listened to Edward. You are my best friend Bella, but he is my brother, I had to support his wishes. He thought it was best for you."
"Yeah, I keep hearing that. Obviously Edward doesn't know shit about what is best for me." Just as I said that, Edward opened the door to the house and stepped outside.
My heart started racing and I felt like turning and running away. I didn't know if I was really ready to face him, really ready to hear the truth about how much he didn't want me all over again. I took a deep breath while I continued to look into his eyes.
"I am going to go and let you two talk. I will be just in the house if you need me Bella, I really did miss you." Alice said as she flitted past Edward glaring at him.
Once she was inside Edward took a step towards me. I wanted to step towards him too, but instead, I took a step back. Edwards face looked hurt that I would step away from him, but then quickly returned to his normal cold façade.
"Hi." He said to me.
"Hi." I said back, not really knowing what else to say to him.
He took a deep unneeded breath. He looked even more nervous than I did. I decided to speak before he got the chance.
"Edward, I am going to spare you from having to break my heart again, I just can't take it again. I know you only came back here to save me for whatever reason, I am not sure, Maybe you feel guilty for leaving me two years ago, or maybe you feel sorry for me, but whatever it is, please spare me with any lies that you plan on telling me just because you think I am going to try to kill myself again. I just don't want to hear any of it." I said trying to sound confident.
"Bella, I don't plan on telling you any lies, anything I tell you will be all truth." He said as he took another step towards me.
"I don't want to hear any of it really. The only reason I came here was to tell you what you did to me when you left me. I think you need to hear how much you hurt me, then you can go back to your distractions and you won't have to worry about me anymore." I said, my heart was pounding so loudly in my ears, I was sure Edward could hear it. The whole house probably could hear it.
"Bella please, let me explain…." I cut him off before he could continue.
"No Edward, you need to hear this. When you left me, you left me broken, I was catatonic and I am really ashamed for the way I acted, but I loved you Edward. You were my whole life, I thought you felt the same for me till you dumped me and left me in the forest."
I took a deep shaky breath and saw him flinch at my words.
"For months I did nothing. I went to school and work, I didn't talk to anyone, came home and went to my room closing myself off to the world. The days couldn't go by fast enough. I tried hard not to think about you, not to remember how much I loved you. I tried to push you out of my mind, act like you never existed just as you had said, but I couldn't do that. My love for you was much too strong.
Then one day Charlie had enough of me acting like a zombie. I thought I had him fooled, I thought I had put on a good enough façade acting like I was fine, all the while dying inside, but I was wrong. He was ready to send me to live with my mom, that was enough to snap me out of it. That is when I started hanging out with Jacob, he was good to me, he helped me try to heal. I always called him my own personal sun. We became very close and even started dating, I loved Jake, but never with as much intensity as I loved you, but Jake wanted me even though I was broken because of you."
I saw Edward flinch again when I said that. Did you really think what he did wouldn't effect me?'
"As much as I cared for Jake and as happy as he made me, I still couldn't get over you. You were always in the back of my mind, always in my dreams, I still loved you. Jake knew that too, I thought I hid that well too, but I guess I really am a bad actress, but still Jake wanted me. Then he imprinted on that girl, and I lost him too. Everything came crashing down on me and I couldn't take it anymore. I figured I would put everyone including myself out of misery. I should have done it two years ago, I would have saved myself and everyone else a lot of pain." I finished, looking down at my feet. I was ashamed of everything I told him and I couldn't look into his eyes.
I finally looked up at Edward, he looked like he wanted to cry if he could.
"So now you know. I am going to leave you now to whatever it was you were doing before you had to come save the poor little pathetic human again. I am sorry you had to be bothered." I turned around and headed towards my bike.
" Is that your motorcycle?" He asked with what sounded like disgust in his voice.
"Yes, it is my motorcycle, what's it to you?" I snapped back turning to look back at him.
"Does Charlie know you ride that thing?" He asked looking at the motorcycle like it just committed a crime.
"Yes, Charlie knows about it. He wasn't happy at first but he saw how much I enjoyed riding it with Jake so he let me keep it."
"Do you know how dangerous those things are? Why aren't you wearing a helmet? Do you have a death…" He changed what he was going to say "Do you want to get hurt Bella?"
"If you must know I forgot to grab my helmet and jacket before I left the house. I didn't want Charlie to try to stop me from coming over here, so I just took off as fast as I could." I said
"First hanging out with wolves, now motorcycles. You really are a danger magnet. I really don't want you riding that thing. It isn't safe for you."
"For you information Edward." I said with as much spite as I could. "You gave up any right to tell me what I can and can't do the day you left me in the forest. You don't love me so it shouldn't matter what I do. I can manage on my own thank you very much." I was pissed now.
I turned back to my bike about to hop on when I felt a cold hand grab my arm.
"Let go of me Edward, I just want to go home. I told you everything I came to tell you so you can go on your way now. Please spare me the dramatics again." I said trying to yank my arm away from him without success.
Edward turned me to face him.
"Is it my turn to speak now, since you seem to have gotten everything off your chest?' He asked dazzling me with his butterscotch eyes.
I had to compose myself to be able to answer him. Two years later he could still dazzle me.
"I am sure whatever you have to say I don't want to hear it, now let me go." I said again trying to get away from him. Why did he have to be so damn strong?
"Bella, I love you! I am so sorry for leaving you, I never should have left you, it was the worst mistake I have ever made in my existence. I thought I was doing what was right for you, I thought I was keeping you safe, I can see now how wrong I was. I thought I was leaving you for your own good."
"Keeping me safe? From what, you Edward? You were trying to protect me from you for my own good. Please Edward, spare me. You left me cause you got bored of me, you didn't want me any more. That's what you told me remember?" I asked with such rage. I was angry at him for continuing to tell me lies over and over again.
"They were lies Bella, I lied to you that day. I didn't mean any of what I told you, I didn't think you were actually going to believe them after all the times I told you how much I loved you and needed you in my life."
"Edward, you told me you didn't want me, you said I was no good for you. You left in there in the fucking forest broken over you! How was I not to believe you? You made it very obvious you wanted nothing to do with me ever again, you said you would never come back here and do this to me again, yet here you are standing there telling me they were all lies." I screamed at him
"When I told you I didn't love you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy. Bella, I thought it was for you own good, I thought I was doing the right thing for you. I didn't want to keep putting you in danger because of what I am. I am sorry for all the lies Bella, I never thought you would really believe them." He said calmly
"How could I not believe them Edward? You were so detached, I saw nothing in your eyes. How could I think they were nothing but the truth. You left me. How many times do I have to say it before you understand what you did to me." I continued yelling.
I saw his family come out onto the porch to see what all the yelling was about. Great now I had an audience.
"Edward, just let me go, I can't do this right now."
"No Bella, not till you understand why I did what I did…
"Oh, I understand why you did what you did just fine." I interrupted him. "You thought you were doing me a favor, keeping me safe or whatever. That pisses me off even more. Don't I have a say in what is good for me? Huh Edward, cause really I don't think you leaving me was what was best for me, what do you think?" I asked tears streaming down my face.
"No, it wasn't, I….
"Don't you dare tell me you are sorry again, I have heard it enough from you. Telling me you are sorry doesn't change what you did Edward, it doesn't change how you treated me. God, I want to hate you so bad for doing this to me, but I can't. I love you too fucking much. Do you know how often I prayed you would come back to me? Now that you are here I don't even want to see you. You wasted two years of my life with these lies and now you think you can come back and apologize and think I am going to come running back into your arms."
"Bella, please don't do this. I hate myself for what I did to you. I am sorry I was so cold to you when I left. I am a really good liar. I had to be, you weren't going to let me go, I felt it was the only way for you to really believe me. I thought it was going to be harder to convince you after all the times I told you I loved you. I thought you were going to put up a bigger fight, I had to act cold, but I never meant to act so cold that you would believe I didn't love you. I am sorry for what I am, I am sorry for being a monster, please forgive me Bella, please." Edward sobbed.
"How could I not believe you, you told me you didn't want me anymore? You didn't want me to come with you. Do you know how that made me feel? I felt worthless because you didn't want me. Only now to find out it was all lies. I was miserable because of you." I was shaking at this point. I slumped down onto the ground pulling my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around them.
"I was miserable too without you. The last two years has been the most excruciating time of my existence. You can even ask my family. I was unbearable to live with. Without you Bella, life meant nothing to me." He said kneeling in front of me.
"If you were so miserable then why didn't you come back. Why did you stay away?" I asked
"I did come back. About 10 months after I left I came to check on you. I had to see you, I was so depressed. You are like a drug to me, I had to get that one little hit of my Bella. You were the only antidote that got me by, knowing you are out there somewhere and possibly happy. I had to see you though, I told myself if you were happy I was just going to leave you alone and never come back to Forks again." He said staring deep into my eyes forcing me to believe every word he said.
"I watched you for a few days, I followed you and just stayed hidden in the woods, then I saw you with Jacob. You looked happy and you seemed to be going on with your life like I hoped you would. It still killed me though, seeing you with him. I was jealous beyond belief, it took everything I had to not come talk to you. I wanted to ask you to forgive me and to beg you to take me back. I made a promise however that I would leave you alone if you were happy and you seemed to be."
"You were here, in Forks?" I asked speechless.
"Yes, I couldn't stay away from you, but I wasn't going to come back into your life and upset you all over again."
"So if Alice would have never seen me try to kill myself, you wouldn't have come back now?"
"No, probably not." He said looking away from me for the first time.
"So you only came back to stop me from killing myself? Well you did your job, I am sure you are itching to leave now." I said coldly.
"Bella, didn't you just hear a word I said…." Before he finished he snapped his head to look at Alice on the porch.
"Bella, did you tell Charlie where you were going?" Alice asked.
"No, I just ran out the door and took off. Why?"
"Because he is about to pull up to check if you are here." Edward said standing up.
"Shit." I said also standing up.
Just as I got to my feet Charlie pulled up in the cruiser not looking to happy.
"This isn't going to go well." I said. "Charlie really hates you for leaving me and hurting me so bad."
Charlie got out of the car looking like he was about to explode.
"Bella, get into the car now!" He said sternly.
"Dad, I brought my bike, I will just ride it home." I said pointing to the motorcycle.
"No, I will put it in the trunk. You are riding home with me, now get in the car." He said this, the whole time starring Edward down.
"Chief Swan, Bella just came over to talk.." Edward started to say before Charlie cut him off.
"I want you to stay away from Bella do you understand me?"
"Dad, I came here on my own today. I needed to talk to Edward before he left again." I said looking at Edward.
"Are you guys leaving again Edward?" Charlie asked looking hopeful.
"No Sir we are here to stay." Edward said looking at me.
"Stay away from Bella do you understand me. I don't want you hurting her any more than you have. You have done enough damage to her." Charlie said turning back to me.
"Jacob is waiting for you at the house. You do remember him right, your boyfriend."
"What, why is Jacob there?" I asked.
"I called Billy to tell him you were home from the hospital. I am sure Jake is worried about you and came to check on you. I didn't tell him where I thought you were though. No need to upset him." Charlie said.
"Dad, Jake broke up with me. He told me he met his soul mate. We aren't together anymore. So I really don't care if he knows where I am."
"What, that is nonsense, Jake loves you." Charlie said confused.
"No Dad, Jake loved me, now he loves Savannah. He is with her now." I said about to break down again.
Edward saw how upset I was and started to put his hand on my shoulder but quickly stopped when Charlie glared at him.
"Bella, regardless you are coming home right now. Maybe Jake wants to be with you again. Now lets not keep him waiting."
I really hated Charlie telling me what to do, but I was more than relieved to get away from here. I needed to think long and hard. I needed to figure out how I felt about Edward and everything he just told me.
I looked up at the Cullen family standing on the porch. They all looked like they were attending someone's funeral. They all looked sad and heart broken. I met Esme's eyes. She mouthed the words "I'm sorry," to me. My heart sank even more. I looked away and headed to Charlie's cruiser. I turned to look at Edward one more time. He was so beautiful standing there, even with his eyes holding so much agony.
"Just go Bella. Think about what I told you and remember everything I said before were lies" He said with a voice full of love.
I got into the car and waited while Charlie loaded my motorcycle into the trunk, it just barley fit.
He got in without another word to Edward or any of the Cullen's.
Once we were on the main highway he started drilling me with questions. He wanted to know why they were back, what Edward had said to me, and if I planned on trying to see him again.
I told him I didn't want to talk about it. I had to figure out what to say to Jake, I wasn't even sure why he wanted to see me. I am surprised he was able to tear himself away from his precious imprint. All I could think about was Edward though and everything he just said to me.
We pulled up to the house much faster than I would have liked. I got out of the car and walked towards the house. Now it was time to face Jake.
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