Leyton, the Most Awesomely Epic Love Story in the History of Epicness - Part Deux

Season 2's Not So Epic Leyton Interlude

Rob Thomas (creator of Veronica Mars)'s Office

Rob: We have a problem.
Veronica: What's up Rob?
Rob: There's a rumor floating around that the WB and UPN are going to combine to form one network either next year or the year after. Of course that means a few shows are going to get the axe..
Veronica: Noted. Who's our competition?
Rob: On the WB they have this show called 'One Tree Hill' that airs at the same time we do on Tuesdays. You heard of it?
Veronica: Vaguely familiar of it.
Rob: When push comes to shove, this new network would get rid of us in a heartbeat over One Tree Hill.
Veronica: Is it really that good?
Rob: Their average viewership is above four million. We're at two and a half.
Veronica: I presume you have an idea to fix this?
Rob: Of course. Now, Tree Hill's surging ratings are powered by this entity called Chophia.
Veronica: Chophia? Is that a mutated Chia pet or something?
Rob: No, it's a portmanteau of Chad and Sophia, the characters' portrayers.
Veronica: Who?
Rob: Who they are is not important. What's important is that we have to sink the Chophia ship.
Veronica: So where do you plan to get an iceberg big enough to sink that ship?

(Rob presses a button)

Rob: Send her in. You remember a certain blonde we had on at the beginning of the season?
Veronica: Seriously?

(Paris Hilton walks in)

Paris: omghi. Rob, you're so hawt. I'm so hawt. You're hawt too Veronica.

Veronica: jesuschrist.

Paris: He's hawt too.

Rob: So.. I heard you're going to be working on this movie.. House of Wax? I want you to do something for me…

End of Season 2

Mark Schwahn's Office of Doom

Mark: As I have been saying since the beginning of this show... Brucas has been destined since Peyton's drugging.
Secretary: Um, I thought it was that "Leyton was destined from the pilot".
Mark: No, it has been Brucas. Always has been Brucas. Always will be Brucas. I even got a tattoo of them.
Secretary: Are you sure Brucas is your endgame?
Mark: Of course. I think you can give me a little credit here. I know exactly what I am doing. When we get Naley back on track after I character assassinated Haley for absolutely no reason, we're going to have a double wedding at the end of this season. Hell, even Jeyton will be in the mix. Maybe I should do a triple wedding... *smiles wistfully*
Secretary: Are you sure that's wise to put all of you eggs in the Brucas basket?
Mark: What's the worst that can happen?

Season 3 Pre-School Shooting

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Summer Broodin

Lucas: I can't live without Brooke. A life without her has no meaning.
Peyton: Too true. I don't know how you've managed this summer.
Lucas: It's been difficult. But I'm a trooper. I know she'll come back to me.
Peyton: Definitely. You two are destined to be together. Just like Jake and I.
Lucas: Can you imagine us raising our kids together? *daydreams*
Peyton: They'd be best friends… just like their parents.

Mark: The thought of Jeyton and Brucas babies just brings a tear to my eye.

Leytoners: *projectile vomit*

Beach Bash

Brooke: Non-exclusive. Friends with benefits. No feelings. No heartbreak. Take it or leave it.
Lucas: But.. but I love you.

Brooke: So?

The Red Door Massacre

(Lucas is sobbing and squinting hysterically in front of the door.)

Peyton: I got the emo batsignal. What's wrong?
Lucas: Brooke.. *sobs* Wants *sob* to be non-*sob*-exclusive.
Peyton: WHAT?
Lucas: *sob sob squint hiccup*
Peyton: Is she trying to throw the world off its axis?! Don't worry, I'll make her see reason.
Lucas: Really? You'd do that for me? After all we've been through?
Peyton: You two will be together, even if it kills me.

Mark: *dabs eyes with hanker chief* Beautiful.

Leytoners: *eyeing cyanide pills*
Brucasers: Um.. we don't exactly know what to do with a pro-Brucas Peyton. Can you boo and cheer simultaneously? Do we call it choo-ing?

Brooke's Apartment

(Brooke is gorging on ice cream)

Paley: omgnoooooooooocalories!

Peyton: Drop the spoon.
Haley: Step away from the Breyers.
Brooke: I think I just lost Lucas for good.
Haley: Oh sweetie no.
Peyton: Lucas loves you!

Brucasers: Um.. Choo?

Haley: What did you do anyway?
Brooke: I slept with Chris Keller.
Haley: *facepalm*
Peyton: Ok, we can get you through this. We will get you through this.

Brucasers: Ok, this whole not wanting Peyton dead thing is hard.

Torrential Downpour of LOVE

Brucas: *insert I LOVE YOU scene here*

Interlude – Mark's Office of Killing Dreams

Mark: Everything's on track. Brucas is good. Naley is good. We set for the Jeyton airport scene for late in the season?
Secretary: Yes, but..
Mark: I was thinking about having Jake twirl Peyton in the middle of the airport.
Secretary: That's great, but..
Mark: And then the new Jagielski family can share a hug at the end of the episode. What do you think?
Secretary: That's great and all, but we have an issue.
Mark: You're harshing my Brualeyton buzz.
Secretary: Have you read TMZ today?
Mark: T-M-whatnow?

(Secretary hands over laptop)

Headline: Chophia. DONE? Read the exclusive scoop!

Mark: O_O

Hallway of Broken Dreams

WB Minion 1: Did you just hear screaming coming from Mark's office?
WB Minion 2: Nah, you're just hearing things.

Mark's Office of Doom

Mark: Burn the scripts!
Secretary: All of them?!
Mark: We need to start over. Trash it all! Where's the shredder?!
Secretary: What are you going to do?
Mark: Does it look like I have a CLUE what I'm doing?!

Weeks Later

Mark: As I've said from the beginning of this very show, Leyton has been destined from the PILOT.
Secretary: *curiously remains silent*

Season 3 – The Second Half

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Brooke: You know.. Lately Lucas has been treating Peyton more like a girlfriend than me.
Rachel: Maybe because they belong together.
Brooke: I knew I hated you for a reason.

Mark's Office of Doom

Mark: I need a plot point to drive a wedge between Brooke and Lucas forever.
Secretary: I don't think that will end well. You've built up a significant Brucas fanbase. Look at what you did to Haley and how the Naliens reacted..
Mark: Whatever. The Naliens always come back no matter what I do to them.. I got it! We haven't had a crazy scene since Dan was set on fire right?
Secretary: Right...
Mark: Ok good.
Secretary: What exactly are you planning?
Mark: You'll see.

Tree Hill Hallway of DEATH

Jimmy: *shoots door*
Everyone: OMGTHEGEEKHASAGUN! *screamingstampedes*
Glass: *breaks*
Bullet: *ricochets*
Breyton: omgwtf *ducks*
Jimmy: *flees*
Bullet: *defies every law of physics and hits Peyton anyway*
Peyton: ow.
Brooke: *loses Peyton*
Peyton: *loses walking ability*

Five Minutes Later
Nathan: I'm going to take this scumbag on.
Lucas: With a bat?
Nathan: Yeah!
Lucas: Nathan, bullets can shatter bats.
Nathan: .... I'll hit the gun with the bat.
Lucas: .... That is the dumbest plan ever.

Tree Hill Library

Lucas: Is anyone here?

(Silence)

Lucas: If you're the gunman then pretend you didn't hear that!

Peyton: *whimper*

Lucas: PEYTON!?
Peyton: No, it's Dr. Seuss.
Lucas: What happened!?
Peyton: There's this searing pain in my leg and I got trampled on by a herd of terrified students.
Lucas: Are you okay!?
Peyton: I repeat, my leg is bloody and I got stampeded on.
Lucas: Do you need help!?
Peyton: I'm going to DIE. Is that clear enough for you?!

Somewhere..

Brooke: *sobs for a full minute*

Tree Hill Library

Peyton: It's not glass in my leg huh?
Lucas: Looks like a .45 ACP bullet to me.
Peyton: This is where you lie to me.
Lucas: Oh.. Well then it's definitely glass. Nothing a good tweezer can't fix. Well a good tweezer and surgery.
Peyton: I'm losing a lot of blood.
Lucas: No duh, it's all over me.
Peyton: I'd punch you if it didn't take all of my energy to do so.
Lucas: Glad to see even as you're in shock, you haven't lost your snark.
Peyton: Since I am losing a lot a blood, don't hold it against me when I say something stupid like "I love you Lucas." Ok?
Lucas: Uh hu–Hey! Why is that stupid?
Peyton: I love you. Remember, this means nothing because I'm about to die. People kiss their best friend's boyfriend who they already had an affair with previously when they are about. to. die. Understand?
Lucas: Got it.

Leyton: *insert angsty near-death kiss here*

Brucasers: *do a double take* Huh.. but the-adda-wibba.. Is that even legal?

Leytoners: Who cares? WHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!