A/N: Thank you so much for all of the reviews I have been receiving! I absolutely love them!
There is one thing though, this is for alex: Are you trying to tell me something? I think you are trying to give me a hint, but it's just not hitting home. I just had to get that out of my system, I love being sarcastic; can you tell by my story?
Oh! For all of you sick minded people out there, (I should talk, I was the one that wrote it!) it was Aragorn she kicked where it counts. Since later he marries Arwen, I figured he was the most likely candidate for having children. Yes, don't worry it was only me being sadistic again.
All of you people that have to have a fanfiction story based almost completely on the original with only minor plot twists, LEAVE! THERE'S THE DOOR! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! It is my version of the story, not Tolkien's. Yes, I am not going to argue, more than likely Tolkien's original is a whole lot better than mine, BUT THIS ONE IS STILL MINE!
There, I now feel a whole lot better. I figured I was going to get something like that sometime, I might as well dispel them before they actually happen. I'm already getting the whole "Mary-Sue" kick. Ask yourself this question: Do I care?
Sorry, I'm getting off on a tangent. Thanks for hearing me out at least.
Alrighty then, on with my amazingly loved story and sense of humor! (I am seriously having too much fun right now.)
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"You are an elf?"
God, now I'm dealing with elves. What next? Wait! Don't answer that, I probably don't want to know.
"Yeah, sure, I'm one of Santa's little helpers, didn't you notice? I mean the bells on my feet and the pointy hat I'm wearing must be a dead giveaway."
The little guy, (I guess I have to stop referring to them as munchkins now) just stared at me, "Who is this Santa fellow?"
"Never mind, it's not worth the time or the effort to explain it. By the way, I didn't catch your name, care to share it?"
"Oh! My! Forgive me, that was incredibly rude of me!" He gave a little bow, "I am Frodo, son of Drogo, resident of the Shire." He straightened up, "May I ask what you are known by?"
I gave him a lopsided grin, "Yeah, no problem, I'm Emily, nice to meet you, how do you do, yadda yadda. So now that we are friends, you aren't just going to let your new lady friend stay tied to a tree all night, are you?" I smiled sweetly at him again.
"I apologize, , milady. I can not do what you have requested. I would be in terrible trouble if I did so. It was nice to meet you Lady Emily. Good night."
With that, he just turned around and walked away towards the others. Of course why would he want to stay here all night and chat to his "Lady" Emily when he could go sit by a nice, toasty warm fire? Well at least he said 'lady'. I guess I am getting some respect around here.
Just then, I figured I might as well know whom the heck I was dealing with. Or I might at least learn some names, that way I would have something else to slaughter.
"Hey, um, Frodo?"
He stopped and slowly turned back to me.
"Aye?"
"I was wondering if you could tell me a little about your other buddies. I guess I'm just a little bit curious about the people that decided I would make a nice tree ornament."
He paused, then he turned and took a few steps towards the fire. Obviously he thought better of it and started to turn back to me, then he started to turn again. This was quickly becoming ridiculous.
"Are we having a bit of indecision?"
He stopped long enough to answer me then he went back to his pacing.
He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out except a tiny squeak. After that, he quickly shut it again.
I could see the poor guy was really flustered, so I gave him a few moments to compose himself. When he finally started to complete his previous thought he really surprised me.
"I do not believe I am able."
"What? I mean, what the heck does that mean?"
"Well Gandalf said—"
"Is Gandork the old fart that is still pissed at me?"
"Aye, that would be him. But it's Gandalf, --dalf."
"Okay, got it. But why does he say what you can and cannot tell me?"
"He is our leader. He also spoke to me when I made the decision to bestow this blanket. He requested that I tell nothing to you, seeing as he would be more capable at it.
"Oh. So, he's a control freak?"
" 'Control freak'?"
"Never mind, it's not worth it. But, why do you think you have to listen to him?"
"He is a wizard; he's much more powerful than I will ever be."
"That, my height-impaired friend, is where you are wrong. I have seen how everyone is coddling and pampering you, you are important to them, I just haven't figured out why."
"What do you mean? I am not important. I carry nothing."
He winced and gave himself a mental kick. I mean what did he say? I now know that he must be carrying something of value, but what? Hmmm…
"Frodo," I looked at him sympathetically, "You can tell Auntie Emily, I will listen to you."
Okay, bad move! Now the guy looked like he was about to start crying. This guy was sensitive, with a capital 's'!
"I cannot," he sniffled, "I would like to, but it is not safe. I would also break Gandalf's trust."
Suddenly the strangest feeling came over me. The whole time I had been pestering Frodo, he had slowly been moving closer to me. With the last sentence he plopped himself down right beside me. But when he did that, I could not concentrate on his words; I was drawn to his chest. Now I want to dispel all thoughts I was hitting on him, this guy had nothing for pecs. He was skin, bones, and absolutely no height. Definitely not my type, friend but nothing more. Got it?
But I still couldn't tear my eyes from his chest, something was drawing me to him! Suddenly I yanked myself upright, while I had been looking at his chest I had slowly been sliding towards him. As of a couple of moments ago, my nose was approximately three inches form his chest.
"Eep!"
With that the little guy high-tailed it out of there. By the time I had realized what had happened, he was already back at the campfire having what looked like a very heated discussion with Gandorf, no Gandalf.
Now what did I do? Of course, the way my luck has been going, in about three minutes I will be having one of his heart-to-heart talks. I can hardly wait.
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Okay, I was off. Obviously the whole discussion took a lot longer than I thought. Somewhere along the way, I had fallen asleep. Suddenly I felt a hand roughly shaking me awake.
"You! You there! Girl! Are you awake?"
"Now I am," I mumbled, I hate being waked up. "Goddamn, you people give lousy wakeup calls."
I slowly opened my eyes. (I had learned.) What met my eyes, really surprised me. It was still dark and a very serious Gandalf was leaning over me, shaking me very hard I might add.
"Whaddyouwan?"
"We must talk, now."
"Why now?" I was just about to launch into my next tirade, when he covered my mouth with his hand.
"Shh! Please be quiet. I must speak with you privately, this is the opportune moment.
I struggled to sit up, I wasn't going anywhere. Gandalf reached down and grabbed me under my arms and hauled me upright.
"Thanks."
He nodded at me, "Are you ready to talk? Or are you planning one of your childish tantrums?"
"Will it help me get out of this?" I motioned with my chin to the ropes.
"Aye, in time. The tantrum will not, however."
"All right," I sighed, "It's not like I have anything better to do at the moment."
"Frodo was telling me you seemed to be drawn to his chest and that you nearly drew out of him our carefully guarded secret."
"Okay, listen, I need to clear up some misunderstanding here. First off, I was not taking advantage of him, he looked like he need to talk, so I offered. Second off, if you really don't want to tell me what the 'secret' is, you don't have to. I have secrets of my own. Finally, third off. Why did you tell him that he couldn't tell me about you guys?"
"I feared that he would disclose valuable and dangerous information.
"You need to have some faith in the poor guy. By the way, does he and the other three have malnutrition or something? Because that is definitely not a normal height."
"Nay, they are what we call Hobbits, or better known as Halflings. That is their normal height."
"All right, thanks, but it's all Greek to me."
"I am not familiar with your word 'Greek'. Could you explain yourself?"
"Are you serious?"
He nodded his head.
"It's a language that is spoken in Greece."
"Where is 'Greece?'"
"Um, never mind, it's a long story."
Right about now, I was getting very worried. What kind of person does not know what Greek is? Or better yet, Greece itself? This is just a little weird here…
"Now, as you were saying? You wanted to learn about us?"
"Yeah. Um, please?"
"The dark haired man, the man that you kicked, um…down…there, is Aragorn son of Arathorn, the heir to the throne of Gondor."
Uh-oh! I kicked a future king. I think I have some very nice apologizing to do in the near future.
"A-all right, continue please."
"The other dark haired man is Boromir, son of the Steward of Gondor."
Shit! I gave the birdie to a steward's son!
"The dwarf—"
"The what?"
"The dwarf, or as you called him, 'the short, hairy man,' is Gimli son of Gloin."
"Well, at least he isn't royalty or anything like that, then I could have insulted him even more."
"That means nothing to him. If I recall correctly, he was prepared to chop off your head.
"Ookkay. Note to self: Steer clear of the blood—thirsty dwarf in the future."
At this, Gandalf laughed heartily. Or as heartily as you can laugh in the pitch of right above a whisper.
"Let me continue, or we shall never get done. The blonde one is the elf—"
"ELF!"
"Shh! Aye, he is an elf. Now, will you cease interrupting me?"
I nodded my head.
"He is Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood."
"Great, I accused a prince of doing drugs. I'm on a roll."
Gandalf cleared his throat and gave me a sharp look.
"Oh, right, sorry."
"The Hobbits are Sam Gamgee, he is the slightly heavier one, the one that does the cooking. Peregrin Took, or Pippin, is the one that asked you about the psychologist. Meriadoc Brandybuck is his cousin and the one that answered him. Finally, you already met Frodo."
"All right, there is Aragorn, Boromir, Gimli, Legolas, Sam, Pippin, Meriadoc, Frodo, and you the world renowned Gandalf. Did I get that right?"
"Aye, you did, but now will you share your name with me?"
"But I already tol--." I paused for a moment, "Oops, that was Frodo. I am Emily, I would shake your hand but I'm kinda stuck at the moment."
"Ah, the ropes. I am terribly sorry, my dear, but as you can see it would be nearly impossible to untie you in this dark. I am afraid you will have to wait until dawn arrives to be untied."
"Oh, that's all right. I completely understand." For all of you that are wondering, no, I was not brainwashed. If my plan succeeded I would not be here to untie come morning.
"It has been a pleasure to speak with you this night. But, these old bones need their rest. I will see you in the morning."
"Yup. G'night!"
"Good-night."
As he was walking away from me, I started to weasel the Swiss Army knife out of my back pocket.
While I was talking to Frodo, I had quickly stashed it there.
When Gandalf got back to the fire, he gently shook awake one of the Hobbits, I think it was Meriadoc.
Meriadoc got up and started to walk around the campsite while Gandalf laid down.
Okay, all I had to do was wait until Meriadoc fell asleep and I was out of here!
I started sawing away at the ropes that were binding my hands anyway. By the looks of it, I wouldn't have to wait long.
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I was right, just a few minutes after my hands were free, I noticed the poor Hobbit was no longer moving, but now he was snoring softly.
I threw off the blanket and started to saw through the rest of the ropes. When I finally got through them, I realized that my butt and my legs had lost almost all feeling in them. Damn!
Finally, I got the feeling back. I had jogged in place silently for a few minutes. I furtively skirted the edge of the camp and was just about to take off running, when I noticed my sweatshirt and backpack just sitting in a pile not far form the campfire. Well I certainly wasn't leaving with out them, now was I? I slowly crept up to them and snatched them up. I walked a little ways away before I repositioned them on my body. I was now ready to go.
I picked a direction haphazardly and started to jog as silently as I could. I hadn't been running for more than three minutes when all of a sudden, my world was turned brutally upside down.
"EEIIAAHHHH!"
I was hanging by one-ankle, approximately ten feet off the ground. I was really praying that the rope wouldn't decide to break; that would be one nasty headache!
I had finally become what was my fondest dream.
I had become a side of beef…
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A/N: I apologize for the length in between updates. I have really been busy and I wrote this chapter over three days. I think this is now the longest one that I have written. Make sure when you leave your reviews that you tell me if you got that last line, I'm not sure everyone will. Prove me wrong!