I jerked awake suddenly. I don't even know what woke me.
"Food!"
Okay, never mind. I did know what woke me up. I smelled food or at least I think it was food, but it smelled good and as long as it didn't move, too fast that is, I was planning on eating it.
I slowly sat up and my vision swam. Wicked! It looks like I'm underwater! Yes, I know, I'm an idiot. When I finally could see straight, I once again tried to stand up, my balance had obviously not returned yet.
"Oof! Not the butt again! I don't think it can handle much more!" I had fallen flat on my butt. I stood up again and actually stayed up right. It is a miracle!
Everyone was spread out on the rocks that I had been on. Frodo and the chunky hobbit were making some kind of food. I almost jumped them but then I realized there were some clothes right by me. Being the single minded individual that I am, I quickly bent down to investigate. I mean what kind of a girl does not love getting new clothes?
"Yikes! Beverly Hillbillies meet Austin Powers!" They were honestly that bad too. There were some green tights, yes tights, a big-assed brown shirt thingy that had fringe or something on it, a giant blanket that I think was supposed to be a cloak, slippers and I don't mean Cinderella kind, and a sword. A sword! I didn't have to use my technologically advanced spear anymore! What a shame…
I changed into the clothes, if you can call them that. Whoever picked these out should be drug out into the street and shot. I looked like a clown that had a fight with a cowboy and then had a horse shit on me to top it off. I was ready for the runway! This summer's style is to look like a complete dork, and man was I pulling it off!
I walked out from behind the rock I had been laying under and looked around. Like I said the chunky hobbit and Frodo were making lunch, Aragorn was smoking a pipe (I sure hope that that is tobacco!), Gandalf was talking down, literally, to the dwarf, Legolas was hoping around from rock to rock looking like a moron, and Boromir was attempting to take off the other two hobbits' hands. Oh! Excuse me! He was teaching them to sword fight. Same difference.
As I was walking around the rock to go over to the old fart I bashed my foot against an outcropping of rock. When I use the term "bash" I use it lightly. I shouted a word, which I cannot repeat right now, so loud that I think aliens on Mars heard me. Everyone whipped around and just stared at me. I had my mouth firmly glued together so I just held up one finger and slowly limped around to the other side of the rock.
"OOOOOOUUUUUCCCCCHHHHH!" Then I just gave another nice long scream for good measure.
I limped back around to the others again and said tightly, "Okay, I'm better now."
The hobbits were once again rolling on the ground laughing and even the two men and Gandalf were trying not to laugh. Gimli the dwarf, looked like someone just shoved a skunk under his nose and Legolas completely ignored the rest of them.
"Is anyone else here having a bad day? Or is it just me? I'm just really curious, that way I know if I should go throw myself off the nearest cliff or just wait out the day."
This time the hobbits stopped laughing and just looked at me.
"I'm not serious you little hairballs."
Almost instantly all four of them started laughing and two of them, Merry and Pippin, I think, fell on top of Boromir. Then those three started wrestling. Hmmm, male bonding that has just gone a tad too far…
Gimli and Gandalf were in a very heated conversation about Moria, which must be some girl to have those two arguing that hard. I mean what kind of a girl would like those two? A very hairy little man and an old fart. Oh well, who am I to judge?
Anyway, I was just in mid-eye roll when something coming at us caught my eye. It looked like smog. But, since we were in the middle of now where I highly doubted the existence of smog at this point and time. Give the place a few thousand years of evolution and then maybe, just maybe. I figured it was my duty as the only intelligent one of the group to say something.
"Um, boys? I think we are having some current air pollution. But to me that just seems a little out of the ordinary since we are in the middle of the largest forest I have ever seen."
They all stopped what they were doing and looked at me quizzically. I cocked my head in the direction of the "smog."
"What is that?"
The thousand dollar question, Johnny.
"It's just a wisp of cloud." That was Gimli, obviously Moria was a hot chick to have him just scoff something like that. That's his life, scoffing others I mean.
"But it's moving fast, against the wind," Boromir added. Oho, we have a genius in our midst!
Suddenly Legolas, who was leaping around like a cat shouted, (and scared the shit out of me in the process…) "Crebain from Dunland!"
"Hide!" I guess we have another genius…or was that Boromir?
Someone ran up behind me and grabbed me around the waist and shoved me under my favorite rock. It was Aragorn. He tumbled in behind me pretty much crushing me.
"A-air…"
"Shhh!"
A very massive cloud of very large crows suddenly swooped over us and wheeled around in the air for a moment before heading back in the direction they came from. Slowly we all crawled out of our hiding places.
"Okay, does anyone care to explain why Nature Boy threw me under a rock? And then fell on top of me, currently I cannot feel my toes, I think the blood supply has been permanently cut off. That is not one light man." I rubbed my stomach for emphasis.
"Spies of Sauroman." I see Gandalf managed to scrape himself off the bottom of his rock.
He turned to look at the giant snow-covered mountain behind of him. "Our passage south is being watched. We must take the pass of Caradhras."
One guess at what that is…
"That's the mountain right?"
In a very tired voice reserved for toddlers, Gandalf answered me, "Yes, Emily, that would be the mountain. Now I suggest we all pack up and get moving. Night falls quickly on top."
"Okay, well good luck."
Gandalf looked up sharply, "You are coming with us, are you not?"
"Hehe… not."
"But you do realize now that you cannot survive on your own don't you?"
"Well, lately I have been hoping I will live to see my twenty-fifth birthday, but if I go up there I won't see tomorrow. I made it for what? Ten days on my own with a tree branch! I think I can make it now since I have some decent clothing and I have…da, da, da…a sword!" I completed my drum roll and looked up, I had been staring at my feet. All nine of them were looking at me as if I should have been in a psyche ward. But who am I to say that I shouldn't be?
"But on a serious note, how about I just meet you…somewhere. I mean even if I don't find you, you do have a wizard in your midst." I turned to Gandalf, "If worse comes to worse you can just wave your staff and chant and you will find me right?"
Gandalf sighed and nodded.
"Great! Now that I have my own WPS I can be on my way."
Pippin looked at me, "What's a WPS?
I looked at him and grinned, "Wizard Positioning System."
A/N: I really hope that everyone got my last crack. I think that it's my best one yet. Maybe this is the best chapter so far? I don't know. Maybe you all should go and shed some light on it for me, review! Thank you to everybody that has so far. I just want you to know that I read each and every one of my reviews many times. I'm just too lazy to give each one of you a note. Just know that I really do appreciate it! I'll have the next chapter up soon, or so I think…