A/N: I know the last few chapters have not been that funny. But, you do all realize that I need that, it all leads up other better stuff. I promise, scout's honor and all that...
Thank you to all of my stupendous reviewers! I'm still working on that wallpaper...
*~*~*
The past few hours had been nothing but a blur. When Unic had to repress his dignity and pick me up, I think I was almost completely gone. All I remember was there were people, or Elves I guess.
"Lady, wake up please." A gentle voice whispered.
"I don't wanna. My head hurts and I am going to hurt the next person that talks to me."
"No, you would not. You are much too weak. But you have been abed for far too long. Up!"
I felt the covers being yanked off from on top of me. I was all warm too, that was a very fluffy comforter....comforter?
I sat up in bed...bed? What the hell was going on? I sat up and looked around. As it turns out, I was in a bedroom in a giant bed and there was a lady standing in front of me frowning very heavily.
"Hey there. Um, can I help you? Or wait, better yet. Can you help me?"
"Yes, I am able to help you. I have already for many days, but I suppose once more shan't do much." She answered with a resigned sigh.
"Okay, yeah that works. Anyways, where was I? Ah yes, WHERE THE HELL AM I?"
The woman jumped and clapped both hands over her ears; her pointy ears.
"Oh, shit. Sorry. I have a rather healthy set of lungs."
"Yes, you do, milady. Now please stand up and I will fix up the bed."
I stood up automatically and stood there like a good little girl until the woman began to start fussing about with the bedding. I snapped out of my stupor and bent down to help her. As I was tucking in a loose corner of a blanket I saw my lightly bandaged hand. I stood up straight again and started to inspect it.
The bandage was not the filthy remains of a tank top that I remembered putting on. No sir-y Bob, this was a very fine linen bandage, very soft and rather expensive by the looks of it. Not only was it very nice fabric, but it was no longer sloppily applied. No again, this was applied by someone that knew what they were doing. Unlike me...
I felt someone watching me so I looked up and met the eyes of the woman across the bed. I looked into the crystal blue depths for a moment and then finally voiced what was running through my head.
"Thank you."
She looked at me, puzzled, "But, milady, it is only a bed."
I smacked my head with my good hand, "That's not what I meant. I meant for my hand." I gestured at my very nicely bandaged hand. "That must have taken some time and effort and I thank you for your efforts." I smiled at her.
"She chuckled lightly, it was pure music to my ears. "Do you think that if I could do the job of a healer that I would be making beds? That is the work of the palace healers. You have been resting for three days since the bandage was applied."
"Three days! My God! Why don't I remember that?"
"Well, the healers had to give you a draught to make you sleep. You would not lay still. You kept insisting that 'the next person that makes me try to sleep is going to turn seven shades of blue from the ass kicking I am going to give them'."
"You know, that sounds strangely like me. Hmm, well I'm sorry for all the trouble I obviously caused. Is anyone's hearing permanently damaged from my rantings?"
"Nay."
"Well that has to be a good sign. Oh! I'm sorry! My name is Emily."
"Good day, Lady Emily."
She just stood there after that. Damn, I just had to be the mediator....
"And you are...?"
"My mother would be furious if she knew I forgot my manners! I am called Maydenia, Lady Emily. I shall be your Lady's Helper while you are here."
"Um, sure, whatever works for you. Just out of curiosity, how old are you?"
The woman couldn't have been more than seventeen, if that. Jeez, only late teens and already serving others. You gotta commend her efforts.
"I am one thousand nine hundred and three years old, Lady Emily."
Damn wrong again...
*~*~*
"My God! Doesn't she ever leave!"
I sat with my back to the bathroom door. I couldn't take this anymore. After I had finally woken up enough to do the whole intelligent thought thing, I asked Maydenia where I could take a bath. Man, I stink!
Anyway, one thing led to another, and pretty soon I had her following me into the bathroom. She just wouldn't leave me alone! Every time I walked anywhere, there she was, right behind me, asking if I 'needed anything.' I was toeing the line to just yelling, "Yes, I need something! For you to leave me the hell alone!"
But as satisfying as it would be, my mother raised me better than that. I mean manners and all....
"No, Maydenia, I don't need help with my bath."
"Are you sure?" Came the anxious reply form behind the wood of the door.
"Well, as sure as I ever will be. So don't worry, if I'm not out in about three days, then send out a search party. But, until then, I will be just fine. I'll let you know when I get out and if there is anything else you can possibly help me with. All right?"
"If that is your wish milady. I shall work on my other duties, just pull the cord by the bed. That will summon me."
"Sure, thing Maydenia."
I got up from the door and inspected the already filled bathtub and its surroundings. This was paradise, pure and simple. The bathtub was absolutely huge and there was windows surrounding it on all sides. There was so much light that the place was dazzling. The soap and towels were already set out for my use, (Maydenia again...).
I stripped off my clothing. The Elves hadn't bothered to change my clothing. I think they were afraid for their very lives, from what Maydenia has told me about my behavior. But then again, I have said that each and every one of them is a giant narcissist.
I sank down into the water and let off a giant sigh. It was pure bliss! I dunked my head under the warm water, if I could have had gills I would have stayed down there forever. But, the little thing called breathing made me come back up for air.
I started to scrub myself and just laze around in the water when I finally realized that there was something odd about the water. It never got cold, actually it never changed temperature at all! How weird is that? But, then again, I mean I am staying in an Elven palace, that kinda has to take the top spot on the weirdness scale.
Reluctantly I finally got out of the tub. I mean I was starting to think that my three days were up and an army would come and bust down the bathroom door! I must have been in the water for at least two hours, but no prunes! I'm serious! My fingers, toes and other appendages did not become pruny at all; they stayed as smooth as the day I was born!
I wrapped one of the towels around my body after I had dried myself and stepped out of the bathroom and looked around. Thank God! No sign of Maydenia. I know she means well, but honestly, I'm a big girl, I can wipe my own ass.
I walked over to the bed; I was going to flop down, but stopped just in time. On the bed was a beautiful blue gown with matching slippers.
"Oh wow! Uh oh, no one does this stuff for nothing. This Gala-person is going to charge one hell of a bill!"
Even though, being the girly-girl that I am, I picked up the dress and held it up to me. I spun around a few times and giggled. Then, realizing what I was doing, I slapped myself, not mentally. Physically, very hard too I might add.
"Okay," I said, while rubbing my stinging cheek, "Maybe that wasn't one of the brightest moves. Emily, focus, you are in some person's palace and normal people don't give out this much charity for free. I mean I know, I'm a good looking girl and my public loves me, but this is getting ridiculous!" I rolled my eyes at my last comment. I slay me...
I let the towel fall off from around me and slipped the dress over my head. It fell perfectly around my body. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not a dressy sort of person, but this was too good even for me. But, the strange part was that everything fit me perfectly! It was like everything was tailored for me, not my second cousin, me! I mean my God, even the shoes fit perfectly and my feet could rival Sasquatche's!
I turned to the full length mirror across the room. I was breath-taking. I turned around and looked over my shoulder. Well, maybe I was wrong. You can only be so breath-taking when the back of your dress is hanging open and your ass is on display for all to see.
I fumbled around with the little buggars that these people call buttons. I couldn't even get one fastened. Buttons, the bane of my existence. I started turning in circles trying to reach the back of the confounded dress. I still couldn't get it. I started to get dizzy and then I fell onto the bed. Man, I hope these people have irons, my dress was just a wee bit wrinkled after the little Icecapade show I was putting on, minus the ice of course.
I looked over at the window and then I saw the cord Maydenia was talking about.
I started to crawl over to the other side of the bed towards the pull-cord. I mean how dense could I get. Here I was, trying to help myself, when help was just a yank away!
I gave the cord a hard yank and then stood up and tried to smooth out my dress somewhat. Roughly five minutes later, Maydenia came jogging into the room.
"Does milady require my assistance?"
"Actually I do. Are you busy or could you help me just for a few minutes?"
"Nay, Lady, I am never too busy to help you."
"Great. Could you do me a favor before you help me?"
She nodded enthusiastically.
"Maydenia, don't call me 'Lady'. That just drives me nuts. I am not a lady of any sorts. I'm just a girl that doesn't know what is going on half the time. All right?"
"If that is what you wish."
"Yeah, that is what I wish. Thanks."
She waved aside the thank you, "Now, what can I assist you with?"
I just turned around and presented her a magnificent picture of my backside.
"Maydenia, I think I may be feeling a draft. Is there something wrong with my dress?"
*~*~*
"Yes, that is all that I needed Maydenia, thank you again. I don't know what I would do without you?"
"Walk around without your dress buttoned?"
"Yeah, that sounds about right... Well, I guess I had yanked you away from your other duties, so if you need to go, I won't hold you here anymore."
"Thank you...Emily. I must go now."
"See ya later."
"Yes, you will. Later tonight I am to send up an escort to take you to the Lady Galadriel, she wishes to speak with you. Than we shall have a feast in honor of yourself and the Fellowship."
"Oh! Yeah, I knew they were here! Oopsy...."
"You shall see them tonight. The Lady's only wish is that you stay in your rooms until someone can show you around. She fears you may become lost."
"She knows me too well. I have a habit of becoming tragically lost when I am in a strange place. What can I say? It's a hidden talent of mine."
"I must leave now, good day."
I nodded as she walked out the door and softly shut it. I stepped in front of the mirror again, I still couldn't believe that it was me looking back.
Not only had Maydenia buttoned my dress, after she had a good laugh or course, she also insisted upon doing my hair. It was actually quite pretty. I mean it was something I would never manage to do; I'm all thumbs. The sides were pulled back and braided down to the end, but wrapped around inside the braid was a sapphire ribbon. It was very becoming, but considering I have a hard time brushing my hair, I highly doubt I will be doing anything like that in the near future. Hell, even in the far future.
I walked over to one of the bookshelves along the wall and pulled out a random book. I flipped it open and came face to face with a bunch of gibberish. Okay, next book.
*~*~*
"I don't believe this! What kind of people are they?"
Every single book was in some language that I could not speak. I mean it was a conspiracy against me! The only good thing about it was that it had taken me the better part of an hour to flip through all of the books. The 'escort' should show up at any moment. Good, I am thinking 'death by book' would be a good alternative to the boredom that I was faced with then.
I dropped the book I was holding and walked out to the balcony. Yes, I had a balcony! I don't even have a balcony on my little apartment. I mean my God! The balcony was bigger than my entire apartment! A homeless family could live in it, and I am not talking a small family either!
Anyway, I walked to the railing and looked down. Yep, it was a very long way down. I leaned down on the railing, (after making it was sturdy, of course). It was really a beautiful view. It was slowly becoming dark, so lanterns were being lit all over the expanse that I could see.
I turned from the balcony and then looked down at my hand. That's when I realized what the dress reminded me of! A wedding dress! If it had been white it would have passed off as a very expensive and very nice wedding dress!
I grinned a little at the thought and then started to hum a song. It slowly progressed into full out singing and soon after that I started to dance around in my room. After being bed ridden for three days I had just a bit too much energy.
So, I was singing at the top of my lungs bouncing around my room like a ball out of control.
I made it through the wilderness
Somehow I made it through
Didn't know how lost I was
Until I found you
I was beat incomplete
I'd been had, I was sad and blue
But you made me feel
Yeah, you made me feel
Shiny and new
Like a virgin
Touched for the very first time
Like a virgin
When your heart beats
Next to mi-
I was spinning around the room when all of a sudden it felt like I was being watched. I stopped and turned to the door.
Uh oh!
There was Maydenia and another elf, and right behind them was Unic. They were all staring at me open mouthed.
I gave a little laugh. "Um, well you know after being in bed for so long I decided that I needed some physical therapy. Yeah, therapy." I gave them a wide smile. They still just looked at me.
Maybe I should think about mental therapy. They think I'm insane!
I was starting to become even more flustered. I started to fidget and pick at my dress. Then I got an idea.
I gave them a winning smile.
"Who's hungry?"
*~*~*
A/N: There! For all of you that don't already know, the song was "Like a Virgin" by Madonna. Quite a few people had been asking for Emily to sing that so...what the hell?
I hope everyone enjoyed that chapter! I really have been slaving away on it. I think in total it took me about four days to get it right.
Next chapter is going to be Galadriel, this should be a hoot!
Read, enjoy and review!
~A~
Thank you to all of my stupendous reviewers! I'm still working on that wallpaper...
*~*~*
The past few hours had been nothing but a blur. When Unic had to repress his dignity and pick me up, I think I was almost completely gone. All I remember was there were people, or Elves I guess.
"Lady, wake up please." A gentle voice whispered.
"I don't wanna. My head hurts and I am going to hurt the next person that talks to me."
"No, you would not. You are much too weak. But you have been abed for far too long. Up!"
I felt the covers being yanked off from on top of me. I was all warm too, that was a very fluffy comforter....comforter?
I sat up in bed...bed? What the hell was going on? I sat up and looked around. As it turns out, I was in a bedroom in a giant bed and there was a lady standing in front of me frowning very heavily.
"Hey there. Um, can I help you? Or wait, better yet. Can you help me?"
"Yes, I am able to help you. I have already for many days, but I suppose once more shan't do much." She answered with a resigned sigh.
"Okay, yeah that works. Anyways, where was I? Ah yes, WHERE THE HELL AM I?"
The woman jumped and clapped both hands over her ears; her pointy ears.
"Oh, shit. Sorry. I have a rather healthy set of lungs."
"Yes, you do, milady. Now please stand up and I will fix up the bed."
I stood up automatically and stood there like a good little girl until the woman began to start fussing about with the bedding. I snapped out of my stupor and bent down to help her. As I was tucking in a loose corner of a blanket I saw my lightly bandaged hand. I stood up straight again and started to inspect it.
The bandage was not the filthy remains of a tank top that I remembered putting on. No sir-y Bob, this was a very fine linen bandage, very soft and rather expensive by the looks of it. Not only was it very nice fabric, but it was no longer sloppily applied. No again, this was applied by someone that knew what they were doing. Unlike me...
I felt someone watching me so I looked up and met the eyes of the woman across the bed. I looked into the crystal blue depths for a moment and then finally voiced what was running through my head.
"Thank you."
She looked at me, puzzled, "But, milady, it is only a bed."
I smacked my head with my good hand, "That's not what I meant. I meant for my hand." I gestured at my very nicely bandaged hand. "That must have taken some time and effort and I thank you for your efforts." I smiled at her.
"She chuckled lightly, it was pure music to my ears. "Do you think that if I could do the job of a healer that I would be making beds? That is the work of the palace healers. You have been resting for three days since the bandage was applied."
"Three days! My God! Why don't I remember that?"
"Well, the healers had to give you a draught to make you sleep. You would not lay still. You kept insisting that 'the next person that makes me try to sleep is going to turn seven shades of blue from the ass kicking I am going to give them'."
"You know, that sounds strangely like me. Hmm, well I'm sorry for all the trouble I obviously caused. Is anyone's hearing permanently damaged from my rantings?"
"Nay."
"Well that has to be a good sign. Oh! I'm sorry! My name is Emily."
"Good day, Lady Emily."
She just stood there after that. Damn, I just had to be the mediator....
"And you are...?"
"My mother would be furious if she knew I forgot my manners! I am called Maydenia, Lady Emily. I shall be your Lady's Helper while you are here."
"Um, sure, whatever works for you. Just out of curiosity, how old are you?"
The woman couldn't have been more than seventeen, if that. Jeez, only late teens and already serving others. You gotta commend her efforts.
"I am one thousand nine hundred and three years old, Lady Emily."
Damn wrong again...
*~*~*
"My God! Doesn't she ever leave!"
I sat with my back to the bathroom door. I couldn't take this anymore. After I had finally woken up enough to do the whole intelligent thought thing, I asked Maydenia where I could take a bath. Man, I stink!
Anyway, one thing led to another, and pretty soon I had her following me into the bathroom. She just wouldn't leave me alone! Every time I walked anywhere, there she was, right behind me, asking if I 'needed anything.' I was toeing the line to just yelling, "Yes, I need something! For you to leave me the hell alone!"
But as satisfying as it would be, my mother raised me better than that. I mean manners and all....
"No, Maydenia, I don't need help with my bath."
"Are you sure?" Came the anxious reply form behind the wood of the door.
"Well, as sure as I ever will be. So don't worry, if I'm not out in about three days, then send out a search party. But, until then, I will be just fine. I'll let you know when I get out and if there is anything else you can possibly help me with. All right?"
"If that is your wish milady. I shall work on my other duties, just pull the cord by the bed. That will summon me."
"Sure, thing Maydenia."
I got up from the door and inspected the already filled bathtub and its surroundings. This was paradise, pure and simple. The bathtub was absolutely huge and there was windows surrounding it on all sides. There was so much light that the place was dazzling. The soap and towels were already set out for my use, (Maydenia again...).
I stripped off my clothing. The Elves hadn't bothered to change my clothing. I think they were afraid for their very lives, from what Maydenia has told me about my behavior. But then again, I have said that each and every one of them is a giant narcissist.
I sank down into the water and let off a giant sigh. It was pure bliss! I dunked my head under the warm water, if I could have had gills I would have stayed down there forever. But, the little thing called breathing made me come back up for air.
I started to scrub myself and just laze around in the water when I finally realized that there was something odd about the water. It never got cold, actually it never changed temperature at all! How weird is that? But, then again, I mean I am staying in an Elven palace, that kinda has to take the top spot on the weirdness scale.
Reluctantly I finally got out of the tub. I mean I was starting to think that my three days were up and an army would come and bust down the bathroom door! I must have been in the water for at least two hours, but no prunes! I'm serious! My fingers, toes and other appendages did not become pruny at all; they stayed as smooth as the day I was born!
I wrapped one of the towels around my body after I had dried myself and stepped out of the bathroom and looked around. Thank God! No sign of Maydenia. I know she means well, but honestly, I'm a big girl, I can wipe my own ass.
I walked over to the bed; I was going to flop down, but stopped just in time. On the bed was a beautiful blue gown with matching slippers.
"Oh wow! Uh oh, no one does this stuff for nothing. This Gala-person is going to charge one hell of a bill!"
Even though, being the girly-girl that I am, I picked up the dress and held it up to me. I spun around a few times and giggled. Then, realizing what I was doing, I slapped myself, not mentally. Physically, very hard too I might add.
"Okay," I said, while rubbing my stinging cheek, "Maybe that wasn't one of the brightest moves. Emily, focus, you are in some person's palace and normal people don't give out this much charity for free. I mean I know, I'm a good looking girl and my public loves me, but this is getting ridiculous!" I rolled my eyes at my last comment. I slay me...
I let the towel fall off from around me and slipped the dress over my head. It fell perfectly around my body. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not a dressy sort of person, but this was too good even for me. But, the strange part was that everything fit me perfectly! It was like everything was tailored for me, not my second cousin, me! I mean my God, even the shoes fit perfectly and my feet could rival Sasquatche's!
I turned to the full length mirror across the room. I was breath-taking. I turned around and looked over my shoulder. Well, maybe I was wrong. You can only be so breath-taking when the back of your dress is hanging open and your ass is on display for all to see.
I fumbled around with the little buggars that these people call buttons. I couldn't even get one fastened. Buttons, the bane of my existence. I started turning in circles trying to reach the back of the confounded dress. I still couldn't get it. I started to get dizzy and then I fell onto the bed. Man, I hope these people have irons, my dress was just a wee bit wrinkled after the little Icecapade show I was putting on, minus the ice of course.
I looked over at the window and then I saw the cord Maydenia was talking about.
I started to crawl over to the other side of the bed towards the pull-cord. I mean how dense could I get. Here I was, trying to help myself, when help was just a yank away!
I gave the cord a hard yank and then stood up and tried to smooth out my dress somewhat. Roughly five minutes later, Maydenia came jogging into the room.
"Does milady require my assistance?"
"Actually I do. Are you busy or could you help me just for a few minutes?"
"Nay, Lady, I am never too busy to help you."
"Great. Could you do me a favor before you help me?"
She nodded enthusiastically.
"Maydenia, don't call me 'Lady'. That just drives me nuts. I am not a lady of any sorts. I'm just a girl that doesn't know what is going on half the time. All right?"
"If that is what you wish."
"Yeah, that is what I wish. Thanks."
She waved aside the thank you, "Now, what can I assist you with?"
I just turned around and presented her a magnificent picture of my backside.
"Maydenia, I think I may be feeling a draft. Is there something wrong with my dress?"
*~*~*
"Yes, that is all that I needed Maydenia, thank you again. I don't know what I would do without you?"
"Walk around without your dress buttoned?"
"Yeah, that sounds about right... Well, I guess I had yanked you away from your other duties, so if you need to go, I won't hold you here anymore."
"Thank you...Emily. I must go now."
"See ya later."
"Yes, you will. Later tonight I am to send up an escort to take you to the Lady Galadriel, she wishes to speak with you. Than we shall have a feast in honor of yourself and the Fellowship."
"Oh! Yeah, I knew they were here! Oopsy...."
"You shall see them tonight. The Lady's only wish is that you stay in your rooms until someone can show you around. She fears you may become lost."
"She knows me too well. I have a habit of becoming tragically lost when I am in a strange place. What can I say? It's a hidden talent of mine."
"I must leave now, good day."
I nodded as she walked out the door and softly shut it. I stepped in front of the mirror again, I still couldn't believe that it was me looking back.
Not only had Maydenia buttoned my dress, after she had a good laugh or course, she also insisted upon doing my hair. It was actually quite pretty. I mean it was something I would never manage to do; I'm all thumbs. The sides were pulled back and braided down to the end, but wrapped around inside the braid was a sapphire ribbon. It was very becoming, but considering I have a hard time brushing my hair, I highly doubt I will be doing anything like that in the near future. Hell, even in the far future.
I walked over to one of the bookshelves along the wall and pulled out a random book. I flipped it open and came face to face with a bunch of gibberish. Okay, next book.
*~*~*
"I don't believe this! What kind of people are they?"
Every single book was in some language that I could not speak. I mean it was a conspiracy against me! The only good thing about it was that it had taken me the better part of an hour to flip through all of the books. The 'escort' should show up at any moment. Good, I am thinking 'death by book' would be a good alternative to the boredom that I was faced with then.
I dropped the book I was holding and walked out to the balcony. Yes, I had a balcony! I don't even have a balcony on my little apartment. I mean my God! The balcony was bigger than my entire apartment! A homeless family could live in it, and I am not talking a small family either!
Anyway, I walked to the railing and looked down. Yep, it was a very long way down. I leaned down on the railing, (after making it was sturdy, of course). It was really a beautiful view. It was slowly becoming dark, so lanterns were being lit all over the expanse that I could see.
I turned from the balcony and then looked down at my hand. That's when I realized what the dress reminded me of! A wedding dress! If it had been white it would have passed off as a very expensive and very nice wedding dress!
I grinned a little at the thought and then started to hum a song. It slowly progressed into full out singing and soon after that I started to dance around in my room. After being bed ridden for three days I had just a bit too much energy.
So, I was singing at the top of my lungs bouncing around my room like a ball out of control.
I made it through the wilderness
Somehow I made it through
Didn't know how lost I was
Until I found you
I was beat incomplete
I'd been had, I was sad and blue
But you made me feel
Yeah, you made me feel
Shiny and new
Like a virgin
Touched for the very first time
Like a virgin
When your heart beats
Next to mi-
I was spinning around the room when all of a sudden it felt like I was being watched. I stopped and turned to the door.
Uh oh!
There was Maydenia and another elf, and right behind them was Unic. They were all staring at me open mouthed.
I gave a little laugh. "Um, well you know after being in bed for so long I decided that I needed some physical therapy. Yeah, therapy." I gave them a wide smile. They still just looked at me.
Maybe I should think about mental therapy. They think I'm insane!
I was starting to become even more flustered. I started to fidget and pick at my dress. Then I got an idea.
I gave them a winning smile.
"Who's hungry?"
*~*~*
A/N: There! For all of you that don't already know, the song was "Like a Virgin" by Madonna. Quite a few people had been asking for Emily to sing that so...what the hell?
I hope everyone enjoyed that chapter! I really have been slaving away on it. I think in total it took me about four days to get it right.
Next chapter is going to be Galadriel, this should be a hoot!
Read, enjoy and review!
~A~