What's on the menu?
By White*l_l*Tea
Kitchen Throw down
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, plots, ext. of Naruto I only do this for my nice, Guinea, who needed something to read over the summer. Don't sue…I have no money. Seriously I'm taking out loans.
****l_l****
Groans, Complaints, and Curses could be heard throughout Akatsuki's hideout. Almost every single member had something to say about their newest "S-class" mission. Some amicably chatted while others chose a more hostile approach.
"I can't believe we're being sent out on some scavenger hunt for hired help." Kakuzu gumbled.
"We wouldn't be in this situation if somebody hadn't killed the last two cooks that we kidnapped!" Konan glared accusingly at Kakuzu.
Hidan tensed. He could feel the killing vibes coming off of his partner. Even though he could take dying over and over again, he was sure that Konan, however, could not.
"Well if somebody would get off their lazy arse and cook like a good little girl then maybe we wouldn't have to be in this situation where somebody killed the last two cooks that somebody kidnapped!"
"Ugh! You're impossible! Did you know that? You're impossible! And what the hell do I look like you personal man-servant!? Why don't you cook, wench! Why don't you clean wench? Hey, Raggy-Ann here's a better question for ya. Why don't you dislodge your tongue from your mouth sew some string into it and have a freakin' puppet show! Damn! It's so aggravating listening to you talk all the time."
"Obviously," Hidan interrupted. "our meals have been…less than satisfactory, and I am not the only one to have noticed this. Yes, somebody killed our last two chefs, but if we're being fair-"
"We're akatsuki, Hidan, since when are we ever fair?" Konan sarcastically remarked.
"But if we're being fair," he grounded out through clench teeth. "the last two chefs made dishes that not even spartans would dare to touch. And that's saying something. So I guess that it's a good thing that we're looking for a new chef, and a good one at that."
"Che, if Pein-O-sama wants a new chef why doesn't he just go get him himself. It's bad enough that we capture all of junchurriku. The least he could do is go out and 'commandeer' someone with decent enough cooking skills."
The blue haired siren cut her eyes at the menance to her left. How dare he even think that he has the audacity to even say their leader's name. She would punish him, later.
" Quit cuttin' ur eyes my way unless you want me to pluck them out for you, wench. I'm sure I could make a pretty penny off of em'.
Hidan stepped in between Konan and Kakuzu in case a fight broke out. To some Kakuzu's words might have been perceived as a mere warning, to someone who knew him better they were a death promise. They continued walking toward the exit as if the change in position never happened.
Hidan was happy that Konan seemed to be ignoring him. Seemed being the key word.
"Then again, you've had them stuck up the Leader's ass for a while now so I'm sure they ain't worth anything." Kakuzu replied.
Oh, well. There went the hope of not having a deathly confrontation.
'Could be worse.' HIdan thought to himself. 'I could have Tobi for a partner.' He shivered in fear. Tobi and partner didn't need to be in the same sentence, nonetheless his.
"Come say that to my face you gold diggin' rag doll!"
"What'd you call me, wench!?!"
Kakuzu stopped walking and turned fully to face the blue harpy.
"Oh, what? Are your ears losing their threads too, now? Or have they already fallen off? Oh, too bad then, maybe Cinderella can come help you sew it back on."
Kakuzu's sewed arm shot out and wrapped around her throat. Pushing her up against the wall, and lowered his mouth to the side of her ear he whispered maneacingly.
".."
Konan clawed at the threads connecting his 'flesh'. Her eyes narrowed.
"Har..d…to….te..st…wit…ou…any..brai…s- UGH!!!"
His grip tightened around her flesh and he could feel the air in her esophagus trying to weasel out of the small passage way that was slowly closing in on itself.
'Pity, she was kinda pretty.' Hidan thought. 'Whatever, better her than me. I didn't' plan on dying today that's scheduled for Thursday.'
Kakuzu watched thrilled as Konan's eyes rolled into the back of her head from suffocation. The light pink color of her lips was sickenly turning into a nice fushia…then a blue..next purple…and then…
"Kakuzu-san. Would you obligingly remove your person from Konan-san."
The tone of Itachi's voice said it all. This was a command. Not a request, and most definitely not a question.
Seconds seemed like minutes as Itachi wondered if Kakuzu would head his words. Above all else the uchiha prodigy hated dealing with his other comrades, especially this one, whose only motivation was his greed. Did he not know that Greed was a deadly sin? Indeed he was a fool. It was of no matter though. Death would be come soon and quick for his frail mind, and Itachi could honestly say that he would not miss him.
Finally, Kakuzu loosened his grip and turned to walk past red eyed nuisance. No words were imparted between them.
"Let's go Hidan."
Itachi watched the duo head into the clearing until they were a small speck in the distance.
A hackle of coughs reverberated throughout the halls. He turned to see Konan on her hands and knees gasping for what little air her strained lungs could his head lightly he followed the duo into the clearing, and waited for Kisame-kun.
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"Oi! Kisame no dono."
"Hmm?" The neutral shark nin stopped and turned around. Chuckling softly, Kisame saw that it was the clay kid again. While a little on the aggressive side Kisame had found the ex rock nin to be a little on the rookie side, and not completely a convert. He had tried to spare the 'chunin' from Itachi's forced conversion, but unfortunately his plans were thwarted. He had miscalculated just how determined Itachi was going to be. Kisame had to say that he did feel a little sorry for Deidara. At least the majority of the group's decision to join was voluntary. This fella on the other and hadn't had a say in the matter. It was join or die. Geez which one to pick I wonder.
"Hai, Deidara-kun"? Kisame replied in a warm greeting. His shark grin showing off chompers that not even a hammerhead would want to tackle. It was after all the least he could do.
"Why are we all being ordered to bring back a chef when we only need one"?
Holding back laughter, Kisame's shoulders shook. It was unbelievable how sometimes this one could be so ignorant. No, take that back, it really wasn't.
"Ah, I forget that you weren't here when we picked out our first one. Come on, I'll brief you on the way out."
"Hai."
The two started walking out toward the west side exit. Deidara turned his head to the side and looked up expectantly at Kisame like a small child waiting on a lollipop.
"Besides the occasional fight with our adversaries, capturing tailed beasts, and planning missions, things around here can get a little…"
Kisame hesitated to search for the right word.
"Tedious?" The clay nin supplied.
"Iie. Not tedious. Demo-"
"Dull."
"uh-uh." Kisame shook his head negatively.
"Lackluster?"
"Not exactly."
"monotonous?"
"Uhh.." Kisame had absolutely no damn clue what that word meant.
Sighing he gave up on trying to sugar coat it.
"Bored. We get bored, alright. Anyway, where was I…ah yes. Since we aren't a part of civil society and our faces are on every wanted poster on the continent. We must find other ways to amuse ourselves, ne."
"Like?"
"The last time we needed a chef every member kidnap-er…brought back a chef that they thought would cook up to our standards."
"Standards?"
Kisame looked nervously around.
"Hai standards."
"….you live in an underground maze of catacombs…"
"Mmmm hmmm." Kisame nodded.
"you wear the same shit everyday…."
"Demo-"
"…and now I'm supposed to believe that this group actually has standards, expectations to hold up?"
Looking around the very same hallways that were being insulted the clay artist did have point.
"Do you want to hear the reasoning or not?"
Deidara nodded.
"After every member returned we proposed a challenge to the featured chefs…a game if you will. Every cook is given a chance to prepare one meal for the group. The catch is that they are put into pairs. Each pair goes against another pair for a cooking contest. We taste-test the food, and whichever we find dissatisfactory…"
"Kicks the bucket?"
Kisame chuckled.
"We've done worse. But, yes, the team with the better food gets to live to be detained for another day. The not so lucky team 'kicks the bucket'.
Kisame tilted his head. "Speaking of which…where is your hyperactive chipmunk?"
Deidara stopped walking to glare at the elder akatsuki before turning around to go pick up the little trash heap and go fetch a chef.
The ex-rock nin scowled as he heard Kisame's laughter bouncing off the walls.
Damn, the leader for making Akatsuki work in pairs. Couldn't he just go solo, like Zetsu? Deidara shivered. No. Bad thought.
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"But,but,but,Tobi CAN cook! He can, he can he can! Please let Tobi prove this too you."
The swirled masked nin protested heatedly. He could not believe that his leader did not want to test his culinary skills.
"Leader-sama doesn't need another chef."
Pein sighed heavily before responding.
"And why not Tobi?" he asked boredly.
"Because Tobi can cook! Tobi wants to cook."
Pein wanted Zetsu to eat him alive because at this point anything was better than being stuck with Tobi and his incessant whining. Did the naïve underling really think that all this whining was going to convince him to let him touch a skillet with a 39 and ½ foot pole?
".Lea-der…."
Damn it all to hell. Why didn't they just kill this idiot when he first arrived? He doubted that he was even exiled out of his own village. The bastards probably got rid of him on purpose. He could just imagine the ninja villages laughing at his expense.
Looking around Pein noted that Tobi had…disappeared. Blessing his luck, he returned to going over some maps and future missions.
It was only thirty minutes later that a whiff hit Pein's nose. The succulent scent of something that smelled like a…sniff-sniff…a tuna roll? Looking around his desk, he found at the corner a plate of well crafted cut sushi rolls in the shape of a smiley face. Must've been where Tobi had…disappeared to.
Peini pulled the plate closer to him, and examined the contents carefully. He checked the object warily for any hidden jutsus that might come back to kick him in the butt. Finding none he poked and prodded each individual roll.
"I guess one bite couldn't one bite."
Picking up the sushi roll on the top, Pein popped it into his mouth and set about finishing the fifty million yen ransom note that he was writing.
To a Grieving Father,
If you want your daughter baACKKK!!!!!!!!
Eyes widening at the wiggling in his neck, the leader hit the desk repeatedly with one hand and clawed at his throat with the other.
Something was definitely NOT supposed to be there. ALIVE.
He hacked and coughed for another five minutes before he vomited on top of the ransom. Closing his eyes, he gave himself a moment to catch his breath. Looking back onto his death his face turned green at the sight of a small fish with sharp teeth flopping for life on his desk.
"TOBI!!!! Ahhh!!! Where the hell did you come from!?!"
Tobi popped up right next to his leader.
"Did you like your sushi!"
Breathing hard out of his nostrils like an angry dragon, Pein pointed accusingly at the flopping fish.
"Where did you get that fish!?! And why didn't you kill it before feeding it to me."
Tobi looked at the fish and then his leader.
.Fish. .Leader.
"Ohhhhhhh, did leader-sama not like our special for the day?"
"No! Tobi I did not why didn't you kill the tuna before feeding it to me!?!?"
Tobi looked confused.
"Hmm?"
"I said why didn't you kill the tuna before feeding it to me!?!?"
"B-but Leader-sama that's not tuna…"
Pein stared wide eyed at the still flopping fish.
"…it's a poisonous piranha from Kisama-san's fish tank. Do you he'll notice it's missing."
Pein didn't have time to be mad, he dashed to their healer and hoped to high heaven that he'd be alive enough to kill Tobi later."
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