DISCLAIMER; No Twilight ownage.
RETARDS WILL DEVOUR YOU IN YOUR SLEEP
WARNING – SEVERE EMASCULATION OF EDWARD IN FOLLOWING CHAPTERS
Disturbed by Bella's incredibly erratic and completely disgusting behaviour, Edward flitted home. Yes that's right, flitted. Good word right? I thought so but then my hairdresser was all like, 'that's a stupid word,' and I was all like, 'Well, fuck you then bitch!' True story, what's that? Oh right... Getting back on track.
Edward flitted home and threw himself through his window. He had a thing for windows, they were his secret fantasy. Yes that right, not only was Edward homosexual, he got a hard on when he thought of, drew or climbed through windows. There was many an awkward moment in his art class. This was one of the reasons why Bella believed that Edward was in love with her. Alas, woe is Edward and his window obsession.
When he was in his room, Emmett, rather unceremoniously ripped the door off of its hinges and threw it at Edward. Caught of guard, the door broke into a gazillion pieces that turned into mini erections once they touched Edward's body. Dumbfounded, Edward went cross eyed and stared, mouth agape at Emmett. The before mention vampire punted him across the room and screamed.
'Edward likes boys! Edward and a boy, sitting in a tree F-U-C-K-I-N-G.' With that he bitch slapped Edward with a kitten and ran out of the room giggling girlishly. Utterly bereft, Edward burst into – dry sobs. You know, because vampires can knock people up but not cry? True story. I got knocked up by a vampire once, but that's a different story...
Edward was heart broken. Emmett had just called him a pussy, and his favourite pink quill had just run out of pink ink.
"Woe betide me! Must such misfortune come my way??" he screeched, throwing his room at Alice, who certainly hadn't seen THAT one coming.
Rushing past Alice, whose head now lay rolling on the floor, he flung himself into the woods, knocking down several trees that somehow stood erect again under his presence.
Flaunting his way across rivers, and shimmying over mountains, Edward arrived at seemingly noowhere, and continued to cry, out of the earshot of his poser of a brother, who was at this stage taking MySpace photos of himself and uploading sex videos of himself and Rosalie to PornDeliqua.
"I hate them!! I hate them all!" he screamed into the air, and thumped his chest in a baboon like manner.
"Even me?" a silky voice penetrated the trees like a penis to a hot, swearty arse.
Edwards ears pricked up.
"Jasper?"
It was Jasper Hale, standing in all his manly, testosterone, holding the body of the beheaded Alice, who was twitching and convulsing.
"Jasper? What are you doing here? Did you.. follow me?" asked Edward, as the plot line turned into that of a horny, retarded fangirls.
"Why yes Edward... yes I did."
The plot line began to spin out of control as the distance between Edward and Jasper crept closer and closer, and Grace shrieked as she realised the horror that she has caused in this already disgusting enough fanfic.
Edward pounced on Jasper, and they started rubbing up against each other moaning like.. bears?
Grace and Shelby screamed in fright as they slammed down the delete key, when suddenly, Alice the Decapitated saved the day, and she sliced Jasper in the rear, causing him to explode into rubber because he was only inflatable.
Edward stared on mournfully at the shreds of latex strewn upon the ground, when a sly idea formulated into his mind.
He grabbed a nearby raccoon, ripped off its tail whilst throwing the other half somewhere in the world, which turned out to be the goose that hit that famous male model in the nose when he was riding a rollercoaster, and tied the tail up in latex.
"Now I can service myself!" cried Edward jubilantly.
But alas, Edward had forgotten that he did not have a vagina anymore.
"Shit, did I say that outloud?" he thought.
No, he did not, but now we know.
HOW DOES THE TRUTH FEEL?
HUH?
Anyway..
"But first, I better call Charlie.. Booty Call." he thought promisciously.
And they had sweaty man sex.
Hot and sweaty.
But not really.
I was also knocked up by a vampire once. Turns out it was just a really large rat that made me contract RABIES in a various assortment of ways, but they all cancelled each other out.
Now, I only foam OCCASIONALLY at the mouth, thanks to new 5 in 1 Rabid Care!!
Buy 4 for the price of 50 today!
A/N; We are not actually against homosexuality, we just find the concept of Edward being gay funny.
Please review, it makes life pleasant!