Disclaimer; Feck you Twilight, with your sexy vampires and hairy wolves and Skankabella's.

We don't own it.

RABIES!!

Limping out of Translivania with his tail* between his legs (*may or may not have been pink dildo), Edward ran homewards, pondering the random rape situations he had been placed in over the past 24 hours. Arriving back in Forks, he returned back to his home, and braced himself for the impact of insults from his siblings.

The situation went sort of like this;

"EDWARD YOU GAY FUCK! WHY DID YOU RIP OFF MY HEAD?"

"Little fairy poncey poncey boy! I found your diary; seriously, feathers?"

"I read it too, I didn't know you were into BDSM!"

"Jacob was asking for you."

The conversation stopped when Rosalie, who had heard the verbal raped, stopped posing in front of her camera for 3 seconds of her life, and had her input.

Edward spewed a duck out of his nostril when he had heard this news.

Obviously, Jacob was obsessed with Bella to the degree of stalking her feverishly by shooting love letters at her head with a potato gun.

He was obviously ALSO not going to be exceptionally pleased with the news of Edward punting his lover across the world.

Edward started crying huge anime tears until the Cullen nest turned into a large bathtub, occupied by Emmett's generous donation of strippers and warthogs.

"What do I do??!" wailed Edward melodramatically, flinging himself sidewards into a brick wall, smashing through it gracefully and even landing in dog shit gracefully.

Jasper snickered.

"Stand up to yourself you little pussy- he's just a werewolf" he sneered, looking at Edward who was floundering obnoxiously through the lake of shit.

After a couple rounds of martinis, a foot massage and several inspiration talks from Jerry Springer, Edward was ready to face the big bad wolf.

Striding across to La Push in 3 large steps, Edward knocked on Jacob's door and waited.

There was scuffling, swearing and a loud explosion, and an awkward silence.

Opening the door a minute later, Jacob appeared, looking cool and relaxed, but his shifty eyes indicated a sort of secret.

"I believe you wanted to shpeak to me?"slurred Edward at Jacob, who looked lustfully at the vampire.

"Yes."

More silence.

Edward looked uncomfortably at Jacob, who was at this point undressing him with his eyes.

"Erm..." Edward shuffled on his feet again, and got straight to the point.

"What the fuck do you want Jacob?"

Jacob, startled, snapped out of his trance, and grabbed Edward by the collar, hauling him inside.

"I want to be raped!"

Edward gaped at Jacob, and there was more silence.

Jacob looked back, and then said,

"But if you would like some tea first, then that's fine."

"Sure!" agreed Edward.

It was fun to find out where the tea came out later, but let's not go there.

But seriously, we will go there for we know no limits. (Disgusted already? I am!)

Jacob, wanting to play the gracious rapee, bustled about the tiny kitchen that was so small you couldn't swing anal beads in it.
Edward stood sheepishly in the corner, having tried to sit down, only to be hindered by his sore buttocks and the pink dildo that was now an ever present feature in his body.
Handing a cup of tea to Edward, Jacob tried to make small talk.
"So Bella aye, heard she's one kinky bitch." Slightly repulsed by the question and having remembered that Vampires dont eat human food, Edward spluttered, tea coming out from his mouth. (You thought it would be somewhere dirty didn't you, you minx!)
"Ahh, sure... I mean she has this gigantic growth come from her ar..." Edward was cut off from his conversation as Jacob leapt at him.
"RAPE ME YOU SEXY BITCH YOU!"

Suprised but always willing to take advantage of a werewolf, Edward proceeded to give Jacob his sick, masochistic, unholy, bubbly pleasure.
Hours later, the pair laid in the remnants of Billy Blacks house, being ogled at by various La Push citizens. It was a rather awkward silence that followed.
However neither seemed to notice the small children staring agape, dogs licking their balls or the flashes of cameras.
Zero point two-five seconds later, Jacob started to speak, his usually husky voice turning into a high pitched lisp.
"Edward, I have something to show you," Edward raised an eyebrow, he'd already seen all of Jacob Black.
Quickly, with skill of a llama playing dodgeball, Jacob grabbed his hair and pulled upwards to reveal ...

"Mike Newton! I didn't know that you had Jacob Black's skin surgically grafted to your body!" Edward exclaimed in suprise.
He was somewhat taken aback by the fair head on top of the darker toned body.
"I'm not Mike," said the Jacob/Mike entity in a strangely feminine voice. Edward sat staring, utterling confused.
The person then gripped their hair once more to reveal...

"Jessica Stanley!" Edward exclaimed, yet again, only to vomit blood at the thought of his non-gay activities.
It was unfortunate, that, at this time Bella entered the scene. Only she was different, she was a... Man!
"Edward! Your gay now so I got a highly expensive, painful sex transformation! We can be together and have happy times with rainbows and butterflies..." Bella stopped in her verbal shit storm. Her now deep voice stopping in her adams apple.

She'd seen Jessica.

A/N; A random child sprayed petrol up my nose, now my brain cells are melting. Reviews make me happy.

Grace- ....

Shelby- I'm gay!

Grace- heh heh heh...

In case you have not realised by now, Grace's part and Shelby's part are usually seperated by a bar halfway through each chapter. Grace started this chapter out, and if you know that then you can kind of pick out our different styles of writing now. THEY COULD BE ANYWHERE!!! OOoooOOo....

Reviews people!